Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Hi,

I've been watching these forums for a while now as I have questioned and struggled with my gender & identity. I've finally decided join in as I begin to make some changes.

A little bit about me: I'm a 25 year old biological male with a wife studying to be a counselor and a 3 year old daughter. I've been curious about my gender for most of my life, in the recent months - and years, at this point - I have really begun struggling with it. For a while I found comfort in calling myself gender fluid. It gave me an excuse to feel my masculinity and femininity at different times and to be someone who I hadn't been able to be. It let me hate my stubble and body hair, gave me the okay to think about and act on urges like dressing feminine. Then, through research, the realization dawned on me that I experience dysphoria, and have for some time. I just never associated the feeling before until more recently. Now that I have begun to openly talk with my spouse and experiment with my desires, I realize that this is something more than I ever expected.

I came out to her on December 3rd, or as out as someone who is as u sure about everything as I am can come. She knew about my feelings toward gender fluidity, but opening up to her that the male side I held hope for as someone who identified as gender fluid just didnt seem to be there in the way that I have spent my life convincing myself of was a big moment for our relationship. I told her that I'm not sure what I am, but I don't feel male. The conversations that followed have made me feel closer to her than any other point in our nearly 8 years together. I'm lucky to have someone so accepting and open minded.

This morning, I reached out to a counselor who is covered under my insurance and deals with gender issues. I'm waiting to hear back. The whole thing makes me feel excited and nervous and terrified, but I just want to figure out who I am.

Good for her, Good for you. To have a partner willing to work with you is half the battle. It has to be hard on her, as you are not the 'man" she married. The thing I have learned is you can't love someone else if you can't love yourself. It took a loooong time to figure this out. Forty years too late actually. Luckily you are young and have access to online help. When I was your age we didn't have the resources you do, so I thought I was some kind of perverted freak. I not only turned away from my wife I disappeared off the radar of family and friends. I hope that does not happen to you. Go to your therapy and maybe one of your session in the near future you can have her come with you to one of your sessions so the therapist can answer her concerns. It has to be a genuine gender therapist and not one misguided by religious dogma. As they tend to want to save you instead of help you.

DawnODay,

Thanks for the kind words. I definitely don't know what I would do without her. Having her by my side as I confront myself has been more valuable than any other resource I've taken advantage of so far. I know it must be hard on her, I think how these decisions will change our relationship has been the primary aspect that has been on my mind. I talked with her at length about our relationship - not being the "man" she married has definitely been on my mind and we touched on it. I feel guilty for even considering putting her through a transition. I feel like I've lied to her about myself for the better part of a decade. And when I brought those things up, she showed me her wedding ring, the same one her grandmother wore until she died. She explained to me why she wouldn't let me buy her one of her own, why she chose that one to wear as the symbol for our marriage, and why she would never think of taking it off or associating bad memories with it. She has consistently taken every bit of this 100 times better than I ever expected, from our discussions, to seeing me presenting femme. What ever happens, I think k she and I will be just fine.

As for finding the right therapist, this is something that definitely concerns me. I don't have very good health I durance and because my wife is in graduate school and an internship, we don't have any real disposable income. I'll find something soon enough, but I might have to put it off for a little while. The idea of waiting sucks but I can live. I just hate that it's taken me so long to come to terms with needing to see someone, only to find a hundred roadblocks in my path now that I've reached the conclusion.

Hello Rambler

It is great that you have an amazing woman who wants to be with you.

I don't know where you live or what programmes you have access to but this is an important step for you.

It may be tough, but you are strong and you have people behind you to give you strength.

Keep flying.



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Thanks, Cure Bunny.

I'm in Chicagoland, more specifically the north/northwest suburbs.

Welcome to Susan's Place. At this point you shouldn't be hung up on labels as that's a mistake many people make. By committing to the gender fluid label, you are indicating you have both a male and female side you are determined to maintaining. You could for example be 10% male and 90% female it which case you might be more comfortable in the feminine roles. For now it's best to see if you want to live on one side, the other side or in the middle. Once you understand where you are comfortable, then go looking for a label. If you don't find one, just be yourself and forget the labels.

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Thanks for the input Dena. I do feel the same way about labels, I don't particularly like them, but rationally acknowledging this as I explore myself is easier said than done. At this point, I believe the gender fluid label stuck out to me as appealing sometime ago because it allowed me to explore my feminine side without discarding my male self. A way to pack it safely away where no harm will come while I explored my female side, if you will. I don't believe that label fits me at all, and in truth, I'm not sure I every really think it did. It was experimentating that brought me to this conclusion. I slowly started wearing feminine articles of clothin, shaving body hair, and taking on manneris. At first I tried to switch back and forth, paying close attention to how I felt. Of course, I quickly found myself taking every advantage to feel feminine and foregoing the opportunities to revert back to "male mode, it's been nearly 2 months since I stopped letting my body hair go for more than a week because I just can't stand having it, and I've found that in the last few weeks I'm uncomfortable if I'm not wearing some type of clothing I consider feminine. Essentially, in just a few months I went from being incredibly curious about presenting feminine to not wanting to embrace my male features. As soon as I came to that realization I started becoming anxious, that feeling persisted up until this weekend when I opened up to my wife. Now I feel much more resolved in my thinking, like I've finally begun to find a path forward.

Hi Rambler,
   Many of us only find ourselves in our 50's or sixties. I wouldn't feel bad about starting your journey at 25. Your wife sounds wonderful. I have stayed with my wife through my transition. I will give a heads up. When you start figuring things out and possibly start making changes, it can become easy to get very self absorbed. You are, after all, figuring out something very basic about yourself and it requires a lot of introspection, as well as living in very new ways. Be sure to respect your wife's feelings. Check in on how she feels, include her in the decision making process, and consider gradual changes (if you make them) that will allow her adjustment time. In my case, I have two sons who really appreciated me changing things gradually.
   It was also my experience that I had to wade through the fear, denial, and negative thoughts to find out what I really wanted. These things can be overcome. I think it is pretty universal that these gender feelings don't disappear. A good therapist can help you figure out what you must do to cope with the feelings and live happily. Good luck!
Monica

Thanks  for the kind words, Monica. I definitely consider myself lucky to be this young and starting out. That being said, I wouldn't have minded starting earlier, but that seems to be the case regardless of age. I will have to keep your advice about including my wife in the decision making process. The first thing we did is discuss our fears and wants. I can see already how easy it can be to become self-absorbed, even after coming out to her this weekend, I already feel like hitting the ground sprinting in a way that I've never desired before. I know the process will be long and I should rush it. I have the rest of my life.

She has said that the idea of me as a woman makes her feel uncomfortable, but clarified that by mentioning that 'uncomfortable' is basically the default mode/reaction for her. Shes also consistently been surprised at how okay she is seeing me in a feminine manner, and even how she is as or more attracted to me now that I'm showing her my true self. (It helps that she already considers herself bisexual) But it will still be a process, regardless. We talked about our worries, primarily being that we are in the process of growing a family, we definitely want to be pregnant with another child in the next year and possibly one more shortly after that. We're only waiting for her to be done with school as it is. The other being that we both VERY thoroughly enjoy our sex life, and we are both fearful of losing that aspect of our relationship. However, I'm hopeful in that I have an extremely high libido as is, and a lot of the reading I've done has suggested that younger individuals tend to have better luck with maintaining some functionality. I understand that our sexlife would definitely be altered, though, and even if I'm able toncontinue penetrative intercourse, there will be some changes. It will be great to find a therapist (strange saying that after so long denying that I had a problem or needed to see anyone) who can help me sort through this and get my desires in check.

Quote from: Rambler on December 05, 2016, 03:36:05 PM
Thanks, Cure Bunny.

I'm in Chicagoland, more specifically the north/northwest suburbs.

Ah, being a Canuck I do not know what they offer you in care services. I know here we just have to ask our GP for a referral.

I don't know if you wanted to move because of the election, but most provinces do cover SRS.

Mind you that is a whole set of things you have to apply for.

Be shiny.



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Cure,

While moving is a nice thought, I have a civic duty to stay here and fight the orange fascist and his brigade of ignoramuses. Luckily for me, at least at this point, the only procedure I'm not considering is SRS. BA & FFS are totally on the table if I end up transitioning, though. Unfortunately, those procedures will be quite costly, but I'll be damned if I don't get a kick out of the idea of burning my inheritance from my ultra conservative and entirely bigoted grandparents on a transition  >:-) But I've read that as transition goes on, so often does the desire for SRS. Only time will tell, I suppose, but for now I'm more than content in that area.

Hi Rambler  :icon_wave:

Welcome to Susan's Place  :) 

Hugs

V M

Give HRT some time. I have seen some amazing transformations on HRT alone. Some members in as little as a few months enter male fail while others take longer. It's not a sure thing but often HRT can take the hard edges off so hair and makeup work wonders.

Quote from: Dena on December 05, 2016, 08:44:51 PM
Give HRT some time. I have seen some amazing transformations on HRT alone. Some members in as little as a few months enter male fail while others take longer. It's not a sure thing but often HRT can take the hard edges off so hair and makeup work wonders.

I'm definitely interested in HRT. It's something that I plan to discuss seriously with a therapist. For now, my wife and I have agreed that we want to wait until we're done having children before I take any steps like that, by the current plan we're probably looking at 2-3 years depending on whether we have 1 or 2 more (I want 2 total, she wants 3.) I know there is the option of freezing sperm, but there's also huge expenses along with that process, and we would prefer to do it the old fashioned say. I'm not certain I want to wait that long, trying hormones seems very appealing, even if it's just to see how I feel. I still have my concerns, and taking my time to figure myself out is probably for the best. I'm young enough yet and have plenty of time ahead of me.

Quote from: Rambler on December 05, 2016, 08:12:54 PM
Cure,

While moving is a nice thought, I have a civic duty to stay here and fight the orange fascist and his brigade of ignoramuses. Luckily for me, at least at this point, the only procedure I'm not considering is SRS. BA & FFS are totally on the table if I end up transitioning, though. Unfortunately, those procedures will be quite costly, but I'll be damned if I don't get a kick out of the idea of burning my inheritance from my ultra conservative and entirely bigoted grandparents on a transition  >:-) But I've read that as transition goes on, so often does the desire for SRS. Only time will tell, I suppose, but for now I'm more than content in that area.

You do not have to any surgeries to be you, that doesn't change who you are. I think the important thing is you are you, and you want to be happy.

I am glad that you are staying, long live the White Rose, I wish you well.




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Thanks, I know I don't HAVE to get any surgeries to be me, but I'm trying to approach this as open mindedly as possible and I don't necessarily want to rule anything out. Everything is new, after all.

Oh dear

I fear my typing is being a bother.
I was trying to affirm you.

I think you are doing the right thing, keeping an open mind is always recommended.


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Oh no, blame me. I'm sure it had more to do with me trying to respond at 2:00am

Well I tend to type things my brain gets lost about.

Are you ready for the amazing potential of a day ahead of you?




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I really am. I had another talk with my wife last night, this time about some of the realities of what transition would mean, what would change, what I'm afraid of, and a lot of the little things that have held me back so far. We also talked about her fears, once again she is handling this better than me so far. Usually she is the one crying irrationally and feeling crazy, so I think the opportunity to care for me whenI'm vulnerable has been a nice change of pace for her. As torn as I still am, I'm very ready to make some changes.

You are ready to make some good decisions, no matter what they end up being, I hope they are they right ones for you.

As mentioned in "The Brain of Morbius " "if you don't change you die."


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Thank you. I'm looking forward to my journey and I can't wait to share my story as it unfolds!

I look forward to reading it


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Hi Rambler and welcome to Susan's.

:)

Thanks everyone. I managed to set up an appointment with an office that has multiple therapists who deal with patients struggling with gender identity, including those in various stages of transition. I'm nervous and wracked with fear of the unknown, but at least I'm doing something. I can't sit still any longer. Luckily, they had an appointment open for this evening and they work with financing so even though I have to pay out of pocket, I'm only paying half what I would with my insurance. When I picked the time with my counselor to be, she asked if I needed some time to think about it and all I could do was laugh internally about how ridiculous that sounded. I've spent more time than I care to even attempt to discern denying and rationalizing this away. I'm tired of thinking about it, I'm worn out inside of my head, I feel obsessed and crazy. It's time to arrange these thoughts and feelings with someone who can help. I need to start towards an outcome, whatever it is.  No matter how terrified I am, at least I can take solace in coming to terms with that.

You are not crazy.

You are you.

Be shiny.


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