Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Hey everyone! As some of you know, I came out to my therapist a couple of weeks ago. He was very understanding.
   
     Now, I am planning to come out to my best friend. I don't know how to approach the subject. Coming out to my psychiatrist was easy, because, I knew, he had experienced many people like me before.
     But, coming out to my friend has become a difficult task for me. I tried today, but I couldn't muster the words. I just couldn't get the damn words out of my mouth.

     With him, I'm not expecting  any acceptance issues. Like me, he is also in med school and is very broad minded.

     We have always been buddies, he has always been like a brother to me. He doesn't suspect anything about me. I know, it is going to be a mega-shock for him, I just want to soften the blow.

      I want it to go as smoothly as possible, without disturbing my friendship with him.

    Do you think I should just test the waters by coming out to him as gay initially, or should I just rip the bandage off?

      Please, I need as much advice as I can get.
What have your experiences been like when coming out to close friends, especially, guy friends?
 
      All ideas are welcome.


   Love,
    Saira.

I have two suggestions.

If you have been diagnosed with gender dysphoria, lead with the diagnosis.  It kinda deflects the "choice" or "I think I'm transgender" to more of a fact base discussion.  It's worked for me 50+ times.

-and/or-
Ask them how often door l do they think about their gender.  How often do they think "I'm a <assigned gender>".   The answer is usually "never" or "what do you mean".  Then reply, for me it's demolish or something I think about constantly/hourly/daily....

I find it important to get in front of the "why did you choose...'. No body in their right mind would voluntarily transition. 

Good luck, please update us on how you do decide to come out and how it goes.

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Past movies and TV shows have typically been in error when depicting gender variance. Some of these archaic ideas seem entrenched..especially among religious conservatives.
Common wrong assumptions:

1. "Sex" is synonymous with "gender," "sexual orientation," and "gender identity," perhaps from hetero gender binary assumptions. Most seem unaware those words have differences in meaning.
2. cross dressing means someone is "gay."
3. transgender people are "choosing" to be a certain gender, usually because they are gay.
4. There are only hetero, gay, and trans people, all within the gender binary. Most people seem unaware of the gender sliding scale, or of binary people.
5. "bi" is really gay, but not yet fully "out."
6. gay and transgender people are sexual predators, out to get their children
7. people who dress in clothes for the opposite gender are "perverts."

Quote from: Saira128 on December 15, 2016, 03:57:25 AMI just couldn't get the damn words out of my mouth.

God, I know that feeling so well!  It took me literally months of trying before I could get the words out to my wife.

QuoteI just want to soften the blow.

Don't worry too much about that.  You can't control how someone takes things.  It's going to be a shock to him regardless.

QuoteDo you think I should just test the waters by coming out to him as gay initially, or should I just rip the bandage off?

Don't tell him you are gay unless you actually are.  It will only confuse things later.

When I told my wife, I started with a couple of sentences just to give her some warning that this was going to be a serious, weighty conversation: "I have something to tell you.  It is really hard to talk about, and I don't know how you are going to take it."  Then, I just got right to the point: "I am pretty sure I am transgender."  The only softening of the message was saying I was "pretty sure".  I knew I didn't want to water it down as much as saying "I think I might be..."  In fact, I was certain. 

It was important for me to get right to the point, so I could get the message out before I lost my nerve.  And it was important that I knew exactly, word-for-word, what I wanted to say.  Because, when I did say it, I kind of dissociated, and I heard the words coming out of my mouth like I was listening to someone else.

You can do this!

Quote from: KathyLauren on December 15, 2016, 07:10:35 AM
God, I know that feeling so well!  It took me literally months of trying before I could get the words out to my wife.Don't worry too much about that.  You can't control how someone takes things.  It's going to be a shock to him regardless.Don't tell him you are gay unless you actually are.  It will only confuse things later.

When I told my wife, I started with a couple of sentences just to give her some warning that this was going to be a serious, weighty conversation: "I have something to tell you.  It is really hard to talk about, and I don't know how you are going to take it."  Then, I just got right to the point: "I am pretty sure I am transgender."  The only softening of the message was saying I was "pretty sure".  I knew I didn't want to water it down as much as saying "I think I might be..."  In fact, I was certain. 

It was important for me to get right to the point, so I could get the message out before I lost my nerve.  And it was important that I knew exactly, word-for-word, what I wanted to say.  Because, when I did say it, I kind of dissociated, and I heard the words coming out of my mouth like I was listening to someone else.

You can do this!

Hi Kathy. My sexual orientation is another thing that has confused me time and again.
    I was sexually attracted to women, but since, I have become gender dysphoric, I am thinking did I really think it through?
    Maybe, I never considered the idea of dating men for many years, but if you ask me at this moment, I would say, I am comfortable being open about the idea of dating men.
      For me, its complicated. I have on numerous occasions imagined myself being with a guy, but I don't know if that is because I am attracted to men, or because it makes me feel more feminine thinking that way.
     I know, I would feel comfortable being in a relationship with a guy. I often imagine social scenarios, where I am walking with a boyfriend, holding his hands, it makes me feel loved, protected. But I don't know if I am sexually attracted to guys.
     
     My best guess is, I would love to be romantically involved with a guy. Sexually, I don't really know at this point of time.

     Is there any way I can be sure about myself?

I agree stick with facts and don't rush yourself before your ready to tell them. If saying the words out loud is hard you could try righting it down and handing it to him to read if that helps. I stuck to communicating with the facts and that allowed things to go well along with mixing in things from my life that they likely noticed to help give them a frame of reference for understanding. Hugs
Mariah

      Haven't yet mustered the courage to come out. I again thought about doing it today, but I am a master of procrastination.
     

I've only come out as a crossdresser/trans person to a couple of very close friend the closest of which was my wife.It was the best feeling to be able to talk to someone about being a trans women.It was a very gradual thing with my wife and it has evolved into going out together.I think if I were you I would not hold back especially if you are tat close.You might be surprised by how your friend takes it.

   So, I came out to my friend today. And his reaction was very, very bad. I don't think I can call him my friend anymore.
     He abused me in the worst possible manner, he called me a ->-bleeped-<-got, he said he wished he never knew me, he said I am worthless. I have never experienced so much hate in my life.
      He also said, I would never pass as a woman however much I try. He said, he wished I was dead.
     I kind of agree with him on that last point. Even I wish I would just die. I just don't have the guts to kill myself.

      I don't know what to do now. I don't think I'll be able to transition, but I hate living like this.

      Please help me.
I again had thoughts of hurting myself today, so I started to write this post.
     I feel tired. I need to sleep now. Its 11 pm here in India.
I just wish tomorrow would be better.

Good night

Love,
Saira

     

First, congratulations on coming out.  That is incredibly brave.  There is nothing wrong with you. You are a beautiful woman.  That's obvious from your posts.  And I'm so sorry you had to experience that.  There is so much ugliness in the world but you just made this world a little more beautiful. You will always have that.  And it is possible that your friend could come around someday.  One thing I'm sure you have accomplished is this: he will never view transgender people the same way again.  Whenever he thinks of transgender people again they will always be associated in his mind with the good times you two had together.  But the sad reality is that many of us do lose loved ones because of this.  My own mother won't even look at me anymore.   You are very fragile right now.  But you are young.  You are intelligent.  You have a wonderful and lucrative career ahead of  you.  You will help so many people in your life.  The world is opening up before you. The best part of your life is ahead.  You may not see it now, because of the pain you are feeling, but by accepting yourself, you have already become so much more than you ever were before.  You will find a way to be happy.  Give it some time.

Saira, I'm so sorry your friend had a bad reaction, they may come around if it was just shock, but if not, then move on and find friends who value the person you are on the inside. I had the same language from my own mother, nothing but hate, it's their view, but please don't share it, you are entitled to express yourself and be genuine, just as they do. Keep well. X

Quote from: Jane Emily on December 17, 2016, 12:16:18 PM
First, congratulations on coming out.  That is incredibly brave.  There is nothing wrong with you. You are a beautiful woman.  That's obvious from your posts.  And I'm so sorry you had to experience that.  There is so much ugliness in the world but you just made this world a little more beautiful. You will always have that.  And it is possible that your friend could come around someday.  One thing I'm sure you have accomplished is this: he will never view transgender people the same way again.  Whenever he thinks of transgender people again they will always be associated in his mind with the good times you two had together.  But the sad reality is that many of us do lose loved ones because of this.  My own mother won't even look at me anymore.   You are very fragile right now.  But you are young.  You are intelligent.  You have a wonderful and lucrative career ahead of  you.  You will help so many people in your life.  The world is opening up before you. The best part of your life is ahead.  You may not see it now, because of the pain you are feeling, but by accepting yourself, you have already become so much more than you ever were before.  You will find a way to be happy.  Give it some time.

Thank you Jane. What you wrote is beautiful. It made me feel a lot better about myself.
      I know you wrote something different earlier, about me being negative. It was ok, there wasn't any need to change it. I totally agree with you.
      I have been very negative for a few years now. I was not always like this. I used to be happy, I just don't know when that part of me left me.
      I have always tried to match up to my parents expectations. When in a group, I was always the one to adjust. I have never felt confident in my body, maybe, that is the root cause of my insecurities.
      But I can assure you, beneath all this facade, beneath all this ugliness, beneath all these numerous insecurities, there is still the real me, fighting with myself constantly, trying to win a battle with myself.
     But this internal turmoil, sometimes gets the better of me. I try to be a good brother to my sister, I try to be a good son, I try to be a good boyfriend, but sometimes I just get tired.
This is the place where I can reconnect with the real "Me". And when I connect with the real "Me", she tells me, that its alright, she tells me to face everything one day at a time, she assures me that she will never leave me.

      So what I write here, is not really me spreading negativity, its just me talking with myself, however weird it might sound.

        I know, I will come out someday, and start living full time. I know, wonderful people like you will always be there to help me. I know its going to be difficult. I know I am going to lose most of my friends in the process.
      But, I will still carry on, because I know I will never be alone.
      Sorry for my rant. Its just who I am, unapologetically, me.


Love,
Saira.

Quote from: meganjames2 on December 17, 2016, 12:25:08 PM
Saira, I'm so sorry your friend had a bad reaction, they may come around if it was just shock, but if not, then move on and find friends who value the person you are on the inside. I had the same language from my own mother, nothing but hate, it's their view, but please don't share it, you are entitled to express yourself and be genuine, just as they do. Keep well. X

Thank you Megan.

Quote from: Saira128 on December 17, 2016, 11:32:28 AM
   So, I came out to my friend today. And his reaction was very, very bad. I don't think I can call him my friend anymore.
     He abused me in the worst possible manner, he called me a ->-bleeped-<-got, he said he wished he never knew me, he said I am worthless. I have never experienced so much hate in my life.
      He also said, I would never pass as a woman however much I try. He said, he wished I was dead.
     I kind of agree with him on that last point. Even I wish I would just die. I just don't have the guts to kill myself.

      I don't know what to do now. I don't think I'll be able to transition, but I hate living like this.

      Please help me.
I again had thoughts of hurting myself today, so I started to write this post.
     I feel tired. I need to sleep now. Its 11 pm here in India.
I just wish tomorrow would be better.

Good night

Love,
Saira

     

Oh ->-bleeped-<- sweetie, that is rough.  I don't know what I can say that will pull you out of this misery, but I am going to try anyway.  You have so much ahead of you, please don't let this person drag you down.  You have not had the chance to live the life you want to, you have so much more to experience, and hell, I wish I was there to give you a big hug and tell you that you will get past this.

I'm so sorry your friend reacted to you this way, surely he does not understand the pain he caused you, nor does he understand how you really feel.  You will get past this, just take one step at a time.

Quote from: zamber74 on December 18, 2016, 12:06:34 AM
Oh ->-bleeped-<- sweetie, that is rough.  I don't know what I can say that will pull you out of this misery, but I am going to try anyway.  You have so much ahead of you, please don't let this person drag you down.  You have not had the chance to live the life you want to, you have so much more to experience, and hell, I wish I was there to give you a big hug and tell you that you will get past this.

I'm so sorry your friend reacted to you this way, surely he does not understand the pain he caused you, nor does he understand how you really feel.  You will get past this, just take one step at a time.

Even I feel like hugging you right now. Thank you so much.

I'm so sorry, Saira!

Male to female is the most triggering to transphobic people, it seems. I hope you hang in there, because there are more people in the world than one friend. Do you have a local transgender support group?
Maybe a gender therapist can recommend one.

Female to male isn't usually noticed as much, since many women dress in male clothes just as a fashion choice.

When I came out to my family as a partial transmale they didn't even comment, since they were barely talking to me anyway.

Quote from: Saira128 on December 17, 2016, 11:27:54 PM
But I can assure you, beneath all this facade, beneath all this ugliness, beneath all these numerous insecurities, there is still the real me, fighting with myself constantly, trying to win a battle with myself.

I know. I fight the same battle every day too.   Living out and free tho has allowed me to redirect that fight to a certain extent. Outwards. To the people who hate me and to all the obstacles that have been in my way all my life.  And some that continue to stand in my way.  All my life I have heard over and over and over again the advice to "just be yourself."  Many beautiful people in the world really mean it.   Many do not. It's just something they repeat.  When I hear stories like how you were treated it gets me pretty riled up.  Who in the hell is he to judge you? By what right?  It's your life.  Sometimes I can't help but think that in some situations anger is a more appropriate feeling/reaction than sadness.

Don't feel bad. It took me years to come out to my wife. 


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I came out to o my best friend yesterday.  He was cool. In fact he joked that he would have two girlfriends then.   Said he had a cousin that transitioned from FTM.  Awesomeness.  I need more good friends like that.  Both he and his wife are so supportive.  I'm lucky to have them as friends. 


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Quote from: Jasmine777 on December 18, 2016, 02:00:21 PM
I came out to o my best friend yesterday.  He was cool. In fact he joked that he would have two girlfriends then.   Said he had a cousin that transitioned from FTM.  Awesomeness.  I need more good friends like that.  Both he and his wife are so supportive.  I'm lucky to have them as friends. 


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Oh! Lucky you! I'm sure they are great people to hang out with.

I'm sorry your friend was not more supportive of you.  That's rough. 


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Quote from: Jasmine777 on December 18, 2016, 11:14:12 PM
I'm sorry your friend was not more supportive of you.  That's rough. 


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Its ok, I am already over it.
Thank you so much.

I'm so glad you are.   It's tough to talk about starting out and something like that most definitely creates a hurdle.  Sounds like you got your chin up and moved on and that's awesome. 


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      So, I did it again tonight. I came out to two more friends.
      They were shocked, but very supportive. It felt great to be accepted after all these years.
       Wow! What a feeling!
     I was very nervous, after my not-so-good experience, with my whywashereallymybest friend.
    I feel great again.
   I feel like I have just jumped and started flying for the first time in my life.

All of you really helped me. Thank you so much.

Love,
Saira.
     

Hey, this warrants a happy dance :)
(https://media.giphy.com/media/zUJlcJOJT7zMY/giphy.gif)

I'm so glad it worked out for you this time around, you deserve it!

Yay, these are the great times that you can build on and move forward with. X

Quote from: zamber74 on December 19, 2016, 01:39:19 PM
Hey, this warrants a happy dance :)
(https://media.giphy.com/media/zUJlcJOJT7zMY/giphy.gif)

I'm so glad it worked out for you this time around, you deserve it!

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That's great.  I found it very liberating as I told more people.



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Quote from: Bridget on December 16, 2016, 06:15:38 AM
I've only come out as a crossdresser/trans person to a couple of very close friend the closest of which was my wife.It was the best feeling to be able to talk to someone about being a trans women.It was a very gradual thing with my wife and it has evolved into going out together.I think if I were you I would not hold back especially if you are tat close.You might be surprised by how your friend takes it.

Bridget,

Welcome to the site. It is a big thing to come out. Congratulations. I hope you find what you are looking for here.

I also want to share some links with you. They are mostly welcome information and the rules that govern the site. If you have not had a chance to look through them, please take a moment to:

• Site Terms of Service and rules to live by  (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,2.0.html)
  
• Standard Terms and Definitions (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,54369.0.html)
  
• Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar) (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,114.0.html.)
  
• Reputation rules (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,18960.0.html)
  
• News posting & quoting guidelines (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,174951.0.html)
  
• Photo, avatars, and signature images policy (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,59974.msg383866.html#msg383866)
  

Once again, welcome to Susan's. Look around, ask questions and join in.

With warmth,

Joanna