Susan's Place Transgender Resources

My name is Travis and I'm finally getting the balls to come out as a person who does not want to have balls. I'm 22 years of age and a senior at a UC. I recently told a school psychologist that I'm of female gender identity. And then I told my girlfriend. And now I'm here to tell you because this seems like a place that I belong. I don't know where to start, but I promise I won't go overboard with boring details. :)

Childhood:
I started off as an accident which united the two most incompatible people on earth. Growing up I cannot remember a morning where I wasn't awoken by yelling of some sort or the sound of something being thrown or punched. I never had friends over and I wasn't really allowed to play outside because our street was a busy street and my mom was wayyy too protective. So I grew up inside where I spent the first 7 years of my life playing with my sister and listening to the radio. The earliest memory I have of transgender behaviour was that one night when I was 5 I snuck into my sister's room late at night and tried on her tights. I had been jealous of them when she got to wear them at christmas. Another early memory I had was that every night before bed I would purposefully induce dreams where I was a girl or a mermaid(6-9 yrs old). My dad took off one day when I was in second grade, and we had to sell the house and move in with my grandparents. I didn't see my dad for 2 years until he showed up one day and started getting back together with my mom. Eventually we moved out of grandparent's house, but things went back to normal with constant yelling but this time he was throwing or hitting me. At school, I was extremely passive and nearly constantly picked on because I just didn't want to fight back, even though I was bigger than most other kids. I couldn't wait until school was over so I could go back to my books and Nintendo, but then when dad came home I'd be worried about him.

Teens:
I was pretty much alone until 8th grade when I moved to the valley in CA and finally made a real friend who I would invite over. He was pretty damn feminine and always made fun of for it. I was raised 'christian' but never really thought about it much until I started eating at my friend's house; his parents were extremely religious. I started getting heavily involved with my church youth group; which was only about 8 people. I also started getting involved in christian music, became the church's youth pastor, and was even a moderator on the POD forums at age 15. It was my life. However, every morning in the shower I'd pray for god to just make me a woman on the outside. "God" had already given me rather large breasts, so why not the whole package(w/ out the package)? I was deeply conflicted, and even though I was a very good looking person, I didn't care about my appearance and gained a lot of weight. At night I would wear a bra and pantyhose whenever I could. In the shower sometimes I'd wear a 'wife beater' shirt and fill the breast area with shaving cream. I was told that masturbation was a sin, and the few times ->-bleeped-<-'s were brought up around my christian friends they laughed and said that those people were confused and should know jesus. So I'd go months without release until I couldn't take it any more and then when I finally did it I'd imagine myself as a woman. And then I'd weep because I couldn't help but "sin". Otherwise I was sin-free: I never lied, looked at porn, cheated, ect. NOTHING but being myself made me a sinner. And where I lived at the time.. everyone claimed to be christian. There was nobody to talk to and I was extremely alone. I was just stay in my room and play guitar until youth group or some other friendly function, but even then I wasn't myself. I was always just doing what everyone else was doing and could never put in what I'd want to do. It was always an act. My whole life was an act unless I was devoutly worshipping jesus or talking about him and the bible. Even my relationships with girls was an act; not that I wasn't attracted to them, but I was just playing the role of the gentleman and never understanding real emotion and love.

Dad and masculinity:
I felt this should be its own topic since it's been so hard on me. My dad is in construction and is manly to the extreme. He would force me (a woman musician, mind you) to do construction work and landscaping. Without gloves. He would always look at my hands and tell me they weren't manly enough (even a few months ago). I've always been an IT guy who loved everything electronic (it's a lonely life, it fits us). But I hated manual labour and my father made me do it constantly. When I was in first grade I broke both of my wrists and when my mom said we needed to go to the Dr.'s my dad said "No, he's fine. It'll heal." Because we didn't have health insurance. I don't really think I need to go further; you can probably guess the hell I went through (I was scared to use lotion). He also used my social security number to wrack up 10k of debt and never told me about it(had to fix it myself). This guy is a real ->-bleeped-<- even outside of the abuse, but he was a 'good christian' who watched TBN all day and paid the bills(sometimes).

College:
I was never really motivated for anything other than playing music. I started going aimlessly to Junior College because my parents always drilled it into me that life was hell without education (both HS dropouts). I had no real motivation or desire to do anything with my life; kinda like how I didn't care how unhealthy I was. For the first time I planned to shave my legs in the fall because it was winter. I liked it so much I did it until the summer! It was great. One day I couldn't take it any more and shaved all my hair off. It was amazing to look in the mirror and finally see something that resembled what I felt inside.

I had started drinking around age 20, so I started to realize christianity's rules were not to be trusted. I stopped going to church at this time. One of my good friends who was also a youth pastor with me had turned to atheism and pot in HS, and eventually I started hanging out with him again after cutting him out of my life. I eventually came to the conclusion that christianity was not reality. I transferred to UCR at 21, but due to being in a dorm and having a deeply involved relationship, I was forced to put on the 'man show' nearly 24/7 (which nearly killed me).

The climax of the story:
In late september things started getting really, really, really bad. My family's house was in foreclosure, parents about to divorce, I had lost ALL of my financial aid and had nowhere to stay and no money for books/food, my little brother was in the hospital from a car accident and 5 near overdoses this year from substance abuse, and I was the only thing holding everything together. The day before school started, a woman rear-ended me on the freeway and totaled my truck. I was fine except for some bad whiplash and a headache, but mentally... I just snapped. I was in total shock for a few days and just thinking about how ->-bleeped-<-ty my life is and has been up to this point. I was living completely for other people, and now I was at the pure unadulterated mercy of the world with everything stacked against me and still completely alone. I was about to kill myself when my girlfriend saw my depression and shock and suggested I go to the school counselor. I walked over to the counseling center to try it, but saw they were closed. So I started to turn around (and likely end it all) when the door opened and a lady asked if I needed help. I said yeah and a counselor saw me for a couple minutes, and after I assured her I wouldn't harm myself she said to come back first thing the next morning. I left, survived another night, and went in the morning. I literally barfed everything that has been going wrong (minus transgender issues) to the counselor and he said that if I wasn't depressed I would be crazy. It was hard for me to do because I literally keep everything to myself because I don't want to depress anyone, but this was great for me.

I started attending the free counseling services and slowly built myself back up. I eventually was able to get financial aid and began renting a room last wednesday. Most of my problems are getting better, but as I'm putting back the pieces I'm realizing more and more that I need to be who I am. I came out to a counselor 2 weeks ago that I was transgender and it felt great and I cried. I then slowly built up the courage to tell my girlfriend and she has been very supportive (though she wasn't the first time I *tried* to tell her over summer). Things have been better and I've also told 2 of my closest friends and they are cool with it.

But even still I am usually very depressed because I finally have a longing to be myself but I still can't. I can't relate or talk to anyone; I just want to be alone all the time now because I can't handle the 'act'. Going to school has been really hard, as well as meeting with my family. Even though telling my lifelong secret to some of the people I trust most, I still can't be who I am around them. I was thinking about suicide again on saturday until I had a long unexpected talk with my 15yr old sister where I told her everything when talking about all the problems in the family. I decided that I couldn't leave her alone to deal with everything, so I couldn't ever kill myself. Which sucks for me, but oh well. When you're willing to die, you start to think less about what society will think of you and now I'm going to begin my transition.

Problems:
Well, life has been hell except for two good things that have happened: My girlfriend (of over 1 year!!!) whom I love and have shared more with than anyone and an almost secured 65k a year career as soon as I graduate. My girlfriend is fine with me being trans and has lately been encouraging me to start hormones (after banking sperm). She saw a documentary the other night on a lonely trans person and it really got her thinking when she heard about the suicide rate; she's even encouraging SRS. It's been good for the relationship, but I still worry as her mother is just as conservative-christian as my own. The sweet, sweet, job is through my grandpa and it is everything I've ever wanted. He, along with another guy, is retiring and there would be a spot for me in June. All my debt would be taken care of in the first year and I could purchase a house and live without worry. But my grandpa and many in the organization are Evangelical christian or in/from the navy/coast guard. So.. live life as a man who starts off successful (but feeling like ->-bleeped-<-) or a 6'2 woman with all the hardships that entails (but feeling pretty damn good inside)?


That's my story. Nice to meet you. I'm thinking about starting HRT and just being myself on the off days and only getting an orchiectomy. I know I'd look way too feminine, but I know I could deal since I'm large anyways. It seems like a decent balance to me since I don't care exactly how I present myself. If I need to start presenting to everyone and feel I'd pass I'd start doing it. I'm still working it out, obviously. One thing is for certain: I need to do something because I hate my body. And I'm starting to get back hair.

Wellcome to Susans Traverse - I hope you enjoy your stay.


It semas like you have had a hard life - I hope you find the peace you are looking for.


Alice

Hello, Traverse, and welcome to Susan's.

Your story is well-organized and presents many elements that seem to me to be found in all stories of we who are transsexual. 

Dreaming of being a girl or a mermaid, yep, I've done that.

Crying myself to sleep after praying to wake-up as a girl, I did.

I came out when I was 51.  I believe that it's better for you to be true to yourself at a younger age than to wait.  I waited because there were no viable options ***that I could see.***

You have much to sort out but you seem to have a firm grasp of your priorities.

I wish you well in your job.  I served in the Coast Guard and I assure you that none of the military services fosters good will for gay, lesbian, bisexual, or transsexual persons in its ranks but that does not automatically make a person narrow-minded for life.

Be well.

Wing Walker

Hi Traverse, welcome to Susan's

I guess TS are also what some call like minds. It seams that we follow pretty close to the same pattern. Except for my childhood I was raised by loving middle class parents and had a good life at home. But it was back then that the girl within began to make her visits and of my yes how I felt like I had  committed a terrible mortal sin. As I grew older and went off on my own I hitched up with the bitch from "Hell" so I didnt have to worry about going to "Hell", I was already there. The beatings and even rape, on myself, I finally made a break from her at the cost of my three children whom I never seen again for ten years. I spent much of those ten years roving all over eastern Canada and US. 

I began to drink alcoholically for several years and became very ill and had to quit drinking. During the first few years of sobriety I revisited by ghosts of the past one of which was the girl within. For many years I would play act the part of the lady within, I mean really play act the backdrops the gowns the entire bit. I am a very imaginative person and I used this talent to survive. I also wrote six children's fantasy stories.  In the end it was the girl within saved my life. I was on my way home after an outing as my true self. I did not want to go back and was going to kill myself by driving my car into a rock cut. The girl within asked my other self, who is it wants to die here. The outer-self surrendered and the girl within arose victorious.

Again Traverse I believe you will find many here with similar stories yet unique unto each their own.

Cindy     

Welcome to Susan's Traverse,

Thank you for telling us so much. Like you, I had a "snap" if you will back in September too, all of the gender feelings / dysphoria (whatever) I had been supressing for so long surfaced and here I am.

You've come to one of the best site's for support and a wealth of information.

Again, welcome and I hope to hear more from you.

Hi Travis!

Thank you for your wonderful introduction. I can really relate to how you are feeling.

We both seem to have been dealt a similar hand as far as life is concerned, it just didn't take you as long to realize what you wanted.

I really hope you can find what you are looking for. You've made a good start by coming here to Susans.

So welcome and keep posting. :)

Bobbie  :icon_lalala:

Welcome Traverse!

It sounds like your life is on the right track now and you have a supportive relationship to get through things. I think you will find a lot of additional support and advice here.

Best Wishes,

Jayna

Welcome :D

I can relate to a lot of things from your childhood at the very least, though in my case it was my mum that did the assaulting, not my dad for the most part.

I hope that now you are out about your gender that you will become a happier and fuller person for it and I wish you all the best in your future.

JJ x

Wow. :o :'( :D Thanks for your responses!!! I'll definitely start to post more around here because there's really nobody around where I live to talk to. I felt extremely awkward when checking out my school's LGBT center because it didn't feel like there was much there for me, so this place is nice. I feel the love.

Reading through my introduction/life story I am quite embarrassed about how scatterbrained it was. But that's kinda how I am recently because I'm beginning to talk about myself for the first time ever and I don't understand how to structure and relate my own feelings. I'm conditioned to write or speak in generalities that have little to do with my ego - which makes for decent philosophy work, but can be real ->-bleeped-<- for socialization.


Anyways, nice to meet you all. I'll be spending the next few days reading your stories since they are so very similar to my own. :)

Hey Traverse,

Seems like you've gone through a lot for your age already, so I'm sorry about that :(  Hopefully you'll stick around so we can hear a little bit more about you and your journey.  Welcome again, and be sure to stick around!

Hello Travis and welcome to Susan's!

Thanks so much for your introduction.  Please take a few moments to get familiar with all the boards of the site, review the site rules  (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,2.0.html)before posting, and take advantage of our many resources such as the wiki (https://www.susans.org/wiki/Main_Page), chat (https://www.susans.org/chat/index.html), and the links listed at the main page. (https://www.susans.org/index.html)  We look forward to your future posts and participation.  Enjoy your stay :)

tink :icon_chick: