Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Hello, there! My name is Robin, I'm genderqueer (They/Them pronouns preferred, please and thank you), and I've been struggling with my family members completely dismissing any part of my identity.

This is in no way a recent thing, mind you, but for a while now I've just had enough of it. I came out about a year ago, and I think everyone maybe assumed that i was just going through a rebellious phase or something and didn't expect it to last long. At the start there was minimal effort to use my preferred pronouns and refer to me somewhat gender-neutrally. This lasted a week.

From there they insisted on female pronouns and wording when referring to me and whenever I try to bring up the subject I'm dismissed ("it says female on your birth-certificate, you are female and you will always be female"), spoken over, or spoken to in a manner you would use to placate a temperamental toddler.

I've recently decided to change my name because my birth-name has always made me uncomfortable, and the response to that was "even if you change your name, you can't get angry at me if I still call you {my birth name}. I'm the one that named you."

I'm just really tired of it, and it's been badly affecting my already not too good mental health. Does anyone know of ways to cope with this? Or ways to confront them without being treated like I don't know what I'm talking about?

Welcome to Susan's Place. Short of avoiding your family, the only other option is not to respond when they use the incorrect name. Act like they are talking to somebody else. In my case, I tended to ignore the mistake even though it hit a nerve because most of the time my mother would get it right. The problem was when she got it wrong, it tended to be in a public location. Oh well. It's been enough years that my mothers doesn't get it wrong any more.

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Quote from: Robin S.K. on December 19, 2016, 11:38:20 PM
Hello, there! My name is Robin, I'm genderqueer (They/Them pronouns preferred, please and thank you), and I've been struggling with my family members completely dismissing any part of my identity.

This is in no way a recent thing, mind you, but for a while now I've just had enough of it. I came out about a year ago, and I think everyone maybe assumed that i was just going through a rebellious phase or something and didn't expect it to last long. At the start there was minimal effort to use my preferred pronouns and refer to me somewhat gender-neutrally. This lasted a week.

From there they insisted on female pronouns and wording when referring to me and whenever I try to bring up the subject I'm dismissed ("it says female on your birth-certificate, you are female and you will always be female"), spoken over, or spoken to in a manner you would use to placate a temperamental toddler.

I've recently decided to change my name because my birth-name has always made me uncomfortable, and the response to that was "even if you change your name, you can't get angry at me if I still call you {my birth name}. I'm the one that named you."

I'm just really tired of it, and it's been badly affecting my already not too good mental health. Does anyone know of ways to cope with this? Or ways to confront them without being treated like I don't know what I'm talking about?

I hear your frustration and I am MTF (she, her). I think I can relate because I one important thing,

I think its a matter of belief, I am 53 and I don't actually think my parents believe that I could possible have lived my life being the way I am...so in order for them to use my pronouns and name they need to believe that I am a woman...

Simply because they don't believe doesn't make it not true...surely they would have to accept that as a general principle? In these kinds of situations I think you need to sit down and have a serious conversation with them about this...if you have already done this then maybe you need to do it again. They have to understand how real this is for you, how important it is for you. 

My father made the same argument to me...I said to him that I expected people to slip up...no problem...but if you love and respect me then you will use my name and pronouns correctly...

Again in this case it comes back to belief...he doesn't get it

Liz

I came out to my dad explaining everything; how I felt in the past about my gender, how I feel now and my plans regarding trasitioning. Even then he misgendered me; I had to then send a text explainimg how hurtful it was. He still hasn't apologised to me and over a year later he still doesn't directly acknowledge me being trans. So now I'm moving out and won't have contact with him unless he apologises and realise how hurtful he's been.

So maybe send an email explaining everything including some useful links and explaining how they've made you feel. Unfortunately many parents feel like they own you and know more than you do. You just have to keep to yourself, ignore them, and make your own life away from them so you can be yourself and grow as a person.

Quote from: Dena on December 19, 2016, 11:48:33 PM
Welcome to Susan's Place. Short of avoiding your family, the only other option is not to respond when they use the incorrect name. Act like they are talking to somebody else. In my case, I tended to ignore the mistake even though it hit a nerve because most of the time my mother would get it right. The problem was when she got it wrong, it tended to be in a public location. Oh well. It's been enough years that my mothers doesn't get it wrong any more.

We issue to all new members the following links so you will best be able to use the web site.

Things that you should read

• Site Terms of Service and rules to live by  (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,2.0.html)
  
• Standard Terms and Definitions (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,54369.0.html)
  
• Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar) (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,114.0.html.)
  
• Reputation rules (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,18960.0.html)
  
• News posting & quoting guidelines (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,174951.0.html)
  
• Photo, avatars, and signature images policy (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,59974.msg383866.html#msg383866)
  

Thanks! I think I might actually try that.

Quote from: ElizabethK on December 20, 2016, 03:32:27 PM
I hear your frustration and I am MTF (she, her). I think I can relate because I one important thing,

I think its a matter of belief, I am 53 and I don't actually think my parents believe that I could possible have lived my life being the way I am...so in order for them to use my pronouns and name they need to believe that I am a woman...

Simply because they don't believe doesn't make it not true...surely they would have to accept that as a general principle? In these kinds of situations I think you need to sit down and have a serious conversation with them about this...if you have already done this then maybe you need to do it again. They have to understand how real this is for you, how important it is for you. 

My father made the same argument to me...I said to him that I expected people to slip up...no problem...but if you love and respect me then you will use my name and pronouns correctly...

Again in this case it comes back to belief...he doesn't get it

Liz

It's possible that that's the problem, but I really have no idea how to make him understand how important it is to me. He's seen me have full-out breakdowns about it and still doesn't seem to understand.

Quote from: Elis on December 20, 2016, 04:13:36 PM
I came out to my dad explaining everything; how I felt in the past about my gender, how I feel now and my plans regarding trasitioning. Even then he misgendered me; I had to then send a text explainimg how hurtful it was. He still hasn't apologised to me and over a year later he still doesn't directly acknowledge me being trans. So now I'm moving out and won't have contact with him unless he apologises and realise how hurtful he's been.

So maybe send an email explaining everything including some useful links and explaining how they've made you feel. Unfortunately many parents feel like they own you and know more than you do. You just have to keep to yourself, ignore them, and make your own life away from them so you can be yourself and grow as a person.

I actually did the email thing when he first started purposefully mis-gendering me, and he proudly stated that he deleted it immediately. I'm really just trying to hold out until I can at least move out, maybe things will go better if I do.

I have a similar issue. I decided it would be best to interact with my family as little as possible. I know it's not the best choice, but it helps my mental health stable enough. I know I could attempt to educate them, but I can tell from their reactions from talking about transitioning in general that it freaked them out. I'm going to cut off from them once I'm out of college and and have a job. It seems cruel, but they don't actually have my best interests at heart. I've been using this as motivation to finish my undergrad degree and I think you could use your situation as motivation to move out as soon as possible. Do whatever it takes to get out of there because your family dismissing you hurts you in the long term.

Yes it may seem cruel to be calculating how much contact we can take with people we may dearly love but still feel hurt from.  Being able to value our family is not the same as recognizing what is in our overall best interest.  Sometime a bit of absence or distance can help folks reassess how much they might do to remain a part of our lives.

And this can work both ways, of course.  People may well be happy not to have troublesome identities to learn when its so easy just to dismiss us.  While this is not a game it sometimes feels we have winners, losers or compromise?

I think that families are always hard.  I know mine was and they were both loving and accepting of me.  But then again they had endured decades of me being odd, strange, queer, gay, bi and a variety of other adjectives.  Still, that I was neither completely one thing or another thing, but perfectly delighted to be fluid was a challenge for them.  Tessa is pretty much spot on that yes the calculus of contact is something that we have to figure out if for no other reason than to maintain our own sanity and integrity.

When by choice or necessity you share an address it is almost impossible.  There is a power differential there that only the bravest and most patient can bridge.  The bridge is built with patience, persistence and love.  I wish you nothing but peace and strength.  :-*

JB

I hear ya on this. My family's been mostly pretty great about my lgbt identities (bisexual and nonbinary), although my dad had some trouble getting used to the idea. His initial reaction to my coming out as bi was "Well that's one more thing to ignore" and when I told him I don't identify as female he said "Well you'll always be 'she' to me." He's since started referring to me by more gender-neutral terms and stopped "ignoring" my bisexuality. Some people just need time, although I know a lot of people may never come around and that can be very hard.

In fact to this day my mother refuses to believe my initial mental health diagnosis was incorrect, and insists that I need medication to function despite abundant evidence that I am functioning without it. Unrelated to gender, but still  invalidating and hurtful. With that particular issue I decided years ago that we'll never see eye to eye so I avoid talking about it anywhere near her, and have been actively trying to find ways to legally prevent her from making medical decisions for me since she's technically my next of kin. Some things you just can't expect to change and have to take steps to protect yourself, and that can mean limiting your contact with people.

I really hope your family are the sort of people who just take time to come around. But if not, know that you're not the only one who's going through something similar and you have plenty of support.