Susan's Place Transgender Resources

      I wake up every morning and just wait for the day to end. I don't feel ambitious about anything, I don't feel anything, I keep on having negative thoughts constantly.
      I know, transitioning would make me feel better, but I don't even have the strength to come out to my parents.
     I just want everything to end. I feel tired, disappointed in myself.
     I don't know, maybe, I am not strong enough.

       I started cutting myself. I have scars all over my arms. I keep on hiding them. Nothing makes me happy anymore.
    I try to hurt myself so that I can feel something.

  I don't know what to do anymore.

Please don't hurt yourself.  If you need someone to chat with, PM me and we'll chat.

Sent from my LG-H820 using Tapatalk

Big hug! Have you tried non-scarring self harm? Holding ice, eating hot peppers, and cold baths are some things I've heard of.

Hugs, Devlyn

Saira, here's another suggestion, do something hidden to start your transition.  Like:
Shave your legs.
Heck why stop there, shave off everything below the neck.
Talk in a higher voice.
If you're really gutsy, Pierce an ear or two. Lots of guys have pierced ears.
Wear female underwear.  It doesn't have to be frilly, just not cotton.
Watch and mimic women. 

Most of those things takes time to learn and do right.  You'll be ahead of the game later.

Please keep reaching out, we're here to provide support.


Sent from my LG-H820 using Tapatalk

Quote from: Saira128 on January 04, 2017, 03:50:32 PM
      I wake up every morning and just wait for the day to end. I don't feel ambitious about anything, I don't feel anything, I keep on having negative thoughts constantly.
      I know, transitioning would make me feel better, but I don't even have the strength to come out to my parents.
     I just want everything to end. I feel tired, disappointed in myself.
     I don't know, maybe, I am not strong enough.

       I started cutting myself. I have scars all over my arms. I keep on hiding them. Nothing makes me happy anymore.
    I try to hurt myself so that I can feel something.

  I don't know what to do anymore.

I absolutely refuse to believe that hon. You are strong enough. You may not be able to see it right now, but I have seen, over the years, that people are capable of quite incredible things.

Let me ask you something. Do you think coming out to your parents would make you feel any worse than you do right now? All these things you don't feel you have the strength to do... would the outcome of doing them make you feel any lower than you do right at this moment?

If not... what do you have to lose?

I know the place you're at. It's a dark place. It's a place you feel paralzyed, and that paralysis is what's making you feel so bad.

Sweetie, listen. It's the not doing what you want that's making you feel horrible. And why is that? Because you're scared. You're scared that the reaction to what you want to do is going to make you feel horrible, right? Well... is that any worse? Isn't it worth at least trying? People can't make you feel any worse, and you never know... you might just get everything you ever hoped for.

I believe in you, okay? I know how scared you are. I know how it must feel like once you take a step on that road, there's no turning back. But... the way you're feeling now, you're punishing yourself. You're punishing yourself for not going through with it, even though it's the thing you want most in the world. But don't you see? The result of that punishment is no different to the worst possible outcome. Nothing you can say to other people can make you feel worse than you do right now. And it may make you feel a whole lot better. Isn't that worth the risk? At the very least, you will know.

Although I'm inclined to believe that you might just get to a better place. Take the risk, sweetie. Just do it, okay? And then you will know.

*huggles*

you are very strong, dont let anyone bring u down, they will win.

I can't think of much to add to what these ladies have already said but I want you to know we all are here to support you. Please find a way not to hurt yourself. Try to remember we do understand everything you are going through. You are not alone even if it feels like that sometimes. I wish there was something more I could do for you.

Stay the strong person we all know you really are! Take a digital hug from me sweetie

if you need help finacially , i can help u abit.

Telling people you know can be very liberating and open doors you didn't know existed. Regardless, your paradigm will shift if you tell the peeps. Based on what you're saying about your present circumstance, you've little to lose by trying. Tell them you need therapy and use the therapist as a go between and proxy to share more intimate info with the folks after you've been with them a while. Do something at any rate, what you're doing is failing for you. Move to a new tact.

I know that place. Fear keeps us from being ourselves.

Your situation seems bad right now. So if it cannot get worse, make it better: Tell it, vent, scream if you have to. Make them listen. Guaranteed, you'll feel better.

Hey Saira,
     It has been a few days now, how have you been feeling?  I know this is hell at times, I really do, but just keep at it.  As far as not being strong enough, you came out to your friends, that is amazing!  You are also seeing a therapist, which is fantastic!  You are not giving yourself nearly enough credit. 

I was talking to a 69 year old trans lady friend of mine this week.  She's about to get her GCS.  At 69.  She shared a phrase with me this week about "living in the wreckage of the future."  It's about how when we are isolated we allow monkeys in our mind to get all loud and scream and jump around and make all kinds of mayhem.  Imagining the worst outcomes. The worst possible scenarios.  But none of it is real.  We all have problems and the last thing we need to do is add new ones that don't even exist. It's better I think to deal with real problems and not imaginary ones.  They are much more amenable to solutions.  You are a medical student.  You have taken lots of math.  This is basically just another math problem that you can find solutions to.  You are THAT smart.  Before I came out the stress was unbelievable. Couldn't sleep. Couldn't eat.  I imagined all kinds of scenarios and the worst one was backing out and then 5 minutes later I was thinking no way can I do this.  I knew it couldn't keep going on that way and I had to move off of that spot.  Either forward or backward.  The stress was just too much. 

I know you're tired of it all. I would be too.  It's not easy.  The emotions are exhausting.  But don't give up. Work the problem you have in front of you.  Then you can move forward.  I'm sending out good thoughts to you, hoping you feel better.  I really do wish I could just give you a big hug.

Quote from: Sephirah on January 04, 2017, 05:40:13 PM
I absolutely refuse to believe that hon. You are strong enough. You may not be able to see it right now, but I have seen, over the years, that people are capable of quite incredible things.

Let me ask you something. Do you think coming out to your parents would make you feel any worse than you do right now? All these things you don't feel you have the strength to do... would the outcome of doing them make you feel any lower than you do right at this moment?

If not... what do you have to lose?

I know the place you're at. It's a dark place. It's a place you feel paralzyed, and that paralysis is what's making you feel so bad.

Sweetie, listen. It's the not doing what you want that's making you feel horrible. And why is that? Because you're scared. You're scared that the reaction to what you want to do is going to make you feel horrible, right? Well... is that any worse? Isn't it worth at least trying? People can't make you feel any worse, and you never know... you might just get everything you ever hoped for.

I believe in you, okay? I know how scared you are. I know how it must feel like once you take a step on that road, there's no turning back. But... the way you're feeling now, you're punishing yourself. You're punishing yourself for not going through with it, even though it's the thing you want most in the world. But don't you see? The result of that punishment is no different to the worst possible outcome. Nothing you can say to other people can make you feel worse than you do right now. And it may make you feel a whole lot better. Isn't that worth the risk? At the very least, you will know.

Although I'm inclined to believe that you might just get to a better place. Take the risk, sweetie. Just do it, okay? And then you will know.

*huggles*

In your picture you look young but what you write is beyond your years. Very thoughtful. very intelligent, very reassuring.

Dawn

If you can move somewhere where you feel happy about yourself, do it, no need to be near toxic ppl that drains you.

Dawn is very true what she said.

      I tried to stop cutting myself. I was clean for 2 days. But, I had a bit of a set back yesterday.
      I talked about piercing my ears with my sister, and her reaction was very bad. She is already upset with me shaving my arms.
     I had a bad bout of depression. I couldn't sleep, couldn't feel anything. I again resorted to cutting myself.
     My arm is a mess. Nearly 30 cuts in a night. I have bandaged it now.
     Talking here helps. I'll try to go a week clean now.
     I have thrown away the blades.
   
     Its funny, a year ago, I remember getting sick, after being told to dissect a cadaver  in my anatomy class. I was told to locate the femoral artery in the thigh,  and I was on the verge of fainting.

    I guess, depression changes you as a person.

      Thank you everyone for your love and support. You all have been very patient.

     I wish, I could have friends like you in real life.

Quote from: Devlyn Marie on January 04, 2017, 05:20:03 PM
Big hug! Have you tried non-scarring self harm? Holding ice, eating hot peppers, and cold baths are some things I've heard of.

Hugs, Devlyn

I tried the rubber band technique. I kept on snapping it, but I couldn't get enough of it.
   I'll try holding ice.

Quote from: Sephirah on January 04, 2017, 05:40:13 PM
I absolutely refuse to believe that hon. You are strong enough. You may not be able to see it right now, but I have seen, over the years, that people are capable of quite incredible things.

Let me ask you something. Do you think coming out to your parents would make you feel any worse than you do right now? All these things you don't feel you have the strength to do... would the outcome of doing them make you feel any lower than you do right at this moment?

If not... what do you have to lose?

I know the place you're at. It's a dark place. It's a place you feel paralzyed, and that paralysis is what's making you feel so bad.

Sweetie, listen. It's the not doing what you want that's making you feel horrible. And why is that? Because you're scared. You're scared that the reaction to what you want to do is going to make you feel horrible, right? Well... is that any worse? Isn't it worth at least trying? People can't make you feel any worse, and you never know... you might just get everything you ever hoped for.

I believe in you, okay? I know how scared you are. I know how it must feel like once you take a step on that road, there's no turning back. But... the way you're feeling now, you're punishing yourself. You're punishing yourself for not going through with it, even though it's the thing you want most in the world. But don't you see? The result of that punishment is no different to the worst possible outcome. Nothing you can say to other people can make you feel worse than you do right now. And it may make you feel a whole lot better. Isn't that worth the risk? At the very least, you will know.

Although I'm inclined to believe that you might just get to a better place. Take the risk, sweetie. Just do it, okay? And then you will know.

*huggles*

Omg, you are so, so right. Its so dark here.
    I am trying to build up courage.
     
     We don't really talk what we feel like, in my family. It has been like that for years. I don't remember having a heart to heart conversation with my parents for years. Its all so awkward.

I don't know if you can do it but for me the pressure built to the point that I had to come out or face serious self harm. I realize my only hope was to stop bottling it up and come out regardless of the consequences. You need to set a day, time or event when you will come out and not let it go beyond that.

Saira, be strong, try hard not to ruin your body with those cutting marks, get some good anti scar stuff quick and look after the ones you have made! You will regret this.
As Dena says, its best to just come out with it now, regardless of consequences. Atleast you know who is on your side, then you cut them out of your life and you move on!
You need to live for you, right now you are living for your family and others, while you are getting more and more unhappy. You have to move fast with these things not just for the sake of transition, but for your mental health, you must keep moving or you will stagnate and depression will set in, its horribly hard to shake.
I wish you all the best! But its up to you to move forward, well unless I drive to India!

Quote from: ChristineRachel on January 11, 2017, 01:34:24 AM
Saira, be strong, try hard not to ruin your body with those cutting marks, get some good anti scar stuff quick and look after the ones you have made! You will regret this.
As Dena says, its best to just come out with it now, regardless of consequences. Atleast you know who is on your side, then you cut them out of your life and you move on!
You need to live for you, right now you are living for your family and others, while you are getting more and more unhappy. You have to move fast with these things not just for the sake of transition, but for your mental health, you must keep moving or you will stagnate and depression will set in, its horribly hard to shake.
I wish you all the best! But its up to you to move forward, well unless I drive to India!

Wish you could be here!

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20170111/4b3b93b81cda61f96cd8ffbdd90e2cde.jpg)

This is it! I'm going to my therapist. Is there somewhere he can keep me from self harming?
      I don't want this to become an addiction.
I don't want to die.

Oh god, I'm going mad.

I'm sorry you're having a hard time sweetheart, I'll suggest a couple of things.

A therapist can help you learn to get by without cutting, they can't fix you so much as enable you to fix yourself.

I would suggest being out with your parents might be safer than with your sister, younger people may lack the maturity to deal and I've know siblings to be very unsupportive.

Feel our hugs, know that you're not alone.

For some real hard advice i will add in. Seek help NOW! a good therapist can help you decide what options you can take. The coming out factor, the ways to do about your day without self harm, working on you in general. The thing is girl, i too have cut, and the worst thing is it is there forever and will only serve as a reminder of tough times. Dysporia is a demon, i feel you. In my personal case whenever i too tried the many man card i would vomit , a lot, and was so worried about losing any weight i came close to eating 3 bricks of butter to regain weight. Self harm, or self torture will only hurt you and those that love you. So please find a good therapist, or if need be talk to me. There are a lot of people who wana see you shine <3

Quote from: Saira128 on January 11, 2017, 06:46:33 AM
(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20170111/4b3b93b81cda61f96cd8ffbdd90e2cde.jpg)

This is it! I'm going to my therapist. Is there somewhere he can keep me from self harming?
      I don't want this to become an addiction.
I don't want to die.

The second and the last sentences are the most important in your post.

I am guessing you have a therapist you go to? That is great if you do. Can I ask if you are in school? If so, almost all level of schools have a therapist who could put you in touch with one for a longer period of time. Therapists sometimes will put one in a mental health ER if they need to force you to stop self harm. What ever you do, please be very honest with them. Even if it is scary and exhausting. That can be a really good first start. Then you can work together on approaching your family.

Like so many of us here, I was at that self-harm place before finally going to see a therapist. That was nearly two years ago. It is not all sunshine and flowers now but whose life is? However, once I got to the point of starting to come out to some people I started to see that there could be light in one's life. I did not see the lighter life right away but it became possible. That darkness makes it seem like it is not even possible.

So, one step at a time. Go see a therapist. They will often see you faster if they know that your are damaging yourself. Then work through the urge to self harm and coming out to who you need to.

It is not easy. You can do this, though. We believe you and you have the support of us here as a common family.
Contact any who have offered here, if you need to. PM me or email whenever you want. I will try to get  back to you quickly. We care about you. You belong with us.

Take care of yourself.

With warmth,

Joanna

Quote from: Saira128 on January 11, 2017, 06:46:33 AM
This is it! I'm going to my therapist. Is there somewhere he can keep me from self harming?
      I don't want this to become an addiction.
I don't want to die.

I suspect the most effective way of controlling what you feel is to start you on a testosterone blocker. It may not suppress all of your feelings but in as soon as a couple of weeks with the proper dosage, it can greatly reduce the dysphoria. For other site members, it can be like night and day and so effective they sometimes think they are cured. They are not physically addictive and should you change your mind, for the most part the effects are reversible.

You should continue with therapy because you have been through a very difficult time and you want to address any remaining or future issues. I hope you get help soon because you can't keep cutting like that.

Quote from: Saira128 on January 04, 2017, 03:50:32 PM
      I wake up every morning and just wait for the day to end. I don't feel ambitious about anything, I don't feel anything, I keep on having negative thoughts constantly.
      I know, transitioning would make me feel better, but I don't even have the strength to come out to my parents.
     I just want everything to end. I feel tired, disappointed in myself.
     I don't know, maybe, I am not strong enough.

       I started cutting myself. I have scars all over my arms. I keep on hiding them. Nothing makes me happy anymore.
    I try to hurt myself so that I can feel something.

  I don't know what to do anymore.

Hello, saira
You're cutting yourself you're not wanting to wake up you're wanting to continue sleeping
You're wanting to hurt yourself to feel anything although you're saying you're to scared to come out to parents.
You ready for the cheesiest comment? You're brave because what you're doing at the moment is reaching out
and that alone is a hard thing to do. On top of this your life is so important your future is brighter then you know
and all you have to do is believe in yourself you have courage then you have strength. Coming out can be very scary but if you're feeling in such distress sometimes facing that fear is worth every second. Not very long ago i felt the same thing and i said the same words "I'm not strong enough" turns out i had a lot of strength and it only takes others who've been there to see the strength in others and i can already see it in you. You'll get there take your time and try relaxing, listen to music or do something you enjoy.

Quote from: Saira128 on January 11, 2017, 06:46:33 AM
(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20170111/4b3b93b81cda61f96cd8ffbdd90e2cde.jpg)

This is it! I'm going to my therapist. Is there somewhere he can keep me from self harming?
      I don't want this to become an addiction.
I don't want to die.

I'm sure if you bring it up to him he will help you find other methods so you don't self harm.

Quote from: SailorMars1994 on January 11, 2017, 09:10:25 AM
For some real hard advice i will add in. Seek help NOW! a good therapist can help you decide what options you can take. The coming out factor, the ways to do about your day without self harm, working on you in general. The thing is girl, i too have cut, and the worst thing is it is there forever and will only serve as a reminder of tough times. Dysporia is a demon, i feel you. In my personal case whenever i too tried the many man card i would vomit , a lot, and was so worried about losing any weight i came close to eating 3 bricks of butter to regain weight. Self harm, or self torture will only hurt you and those that love you. So please find a good therapist, or if need be talk to me. There are a lot of people who wana see you shine <3

Thank you SailorMars.

I'd write more inspiring words, but I think everyone before me has it covered. I'm also a trans male, so I don't believe I could offer advice on ways to temporarily ease your dysphoria.

As someone who self harms as well, I can understand how difficult it is to stop. In the meantime, have you tried using neosporin for treating scars and letting the cuts heal faster? That is, if you're motivated to get rid of the scars. Sometimes I'm not, other times I'm grossed out by them. Perhaps your motivation could be that, once transitioning, you'll be able to enjoy your body even more without scars left from self harming.

As far as distractions from self harm... That depends on individual. You could work it out with your therapist, like you said. Or did you mean that you're going to finally get one? If so, I hope it goes well and that you could safely come out to them at some point, as well as find distractions. For now, keep looking up various distractions and other ways to cope and figure out what works best for you.

I wish you luck. Keep us updated if you can.

You are welcome Saira! We are all here to help and love one and another! as i said do not hesitate to inbox me if need be, i will get back to you as quickly as i can! Chin up, there is a beautiful girl waiting to be unlocked <3

Quote from: Denise on January 04, 2017, 05:34:49 PM
Saira, here's another suggestion, do something hidden to start your transition.  Like:
Shave your legs.
Heck why stop there, shave off everything below the neck.
Talk in a higher voice.
If you're really gutsy, Pierce an ear or two. Lots of guys have pierced ears.
Wear female underwear.  It doesn't have to be frilly, just not cotton.
Watch and mimic women. 

Most of those things takes time to learn and do right.  You'll be ahead of the game later.

Please keep reaching out, we're here to provide support.


Sent from my LG-H820 using Tapatalk

I want to do all of these things, but I can't. I live in  a Boys' hostel, everyone is so testosterone charged here. I feel so uncomfortable here.
   
   To add to that, I am attracted to boys, so it makes matters worse for me.

Quote from: Abbiem on January 04, 2017, 05:45:35 PM
you are very strong, dont let anyone bring u down, they will win.

Thank you so much Abbie

Quote from: josie76 on January 04, 2017, 05:49:38 PM
I can't think of much to add to what these ladies have already said but I want you to know we all are here to support you. Please find a way not to hurt yourself. Try to remember we do understand everything you are going through. You are not alone even if it feels like that sometimes. I wish there was something more I could do for you.

Stay the strong person we all know you really are! Take a digital hug from me sweetie

Hugs

Quote from: jentay1367 on January 04, 2017, 06:46:50 PM
Telling people you know can be very liberating and open doors you didn't know existed. Regardless, your paradigm will shift if you tell the peeps. Based on what you're saying about your present circumstance, you've little to lose by trying. Tell them you need therapy and use the therapist as a go between and proxy to share more intimate info with the folks after you've been with them a while. Do something at any rate, what you're doing is failing for you. Move to a new tact.

My parents don't even know, that I have been seeing a therapist.
    Mental health is a tabboo in India.

Quote from: 2cherry on January 07, 2017, 12:39:51 PM
I know that place. Fear keeps us from being ourselves.

Your situation seems bad right now. So if it cannot get worse, make it better: Tell it, vent, scream if you have to. Make them listen. Guaranteed, you'll feel better.

I hope this is the worst it gets.

Quote from: zamber74 on January 07, 2017, 01:33:40 PM
Hey Saira,
     It has been a few days now, how have you been feeling?  I know this is hell at times, I really do, but just keep at it.  As far as not being strong enough, you came out to your friends, that is amazing!  You are also seeing a therapist, which is fantastic!  You are not giving yourself nearly enough credit.

Hey, how are you? How has your journey been till now?

Quote from: Jane Emily on January 07, 2017, 02:51:24 PM
I was talking to a 69 year old trans lady friend of mine this week.  She's about to get her GCS.  At 69.  She shared a phrase with me this week about "living in the wreckage of the future."  It's about how when we are isolated we allow monkeys in our mind to get all loud and scream and jump around and make all kinds of mayhem.  Imagining the worst outcomes. The worst possible scenarios.  But none of it is real.  We all have problems and the last thing we need to do is add new ones that don't even exist. It's better I think to deal with real problems and not imaginary ones.  They are much more amenable to solutions.  You are a medical student.  You have taken lots of math.  This is basically just another math problem that you can find solutions to.  You are THAT smart.  Before I came out the stress was unbelievable. Couldn't sleep. Couldn't eat.  I imagined all kinds of scenarios and the worst one was backing out and then 5 minutes later I was thinking no way can I do this.  I knew it couldn't keep going on that way and I had to move off of that spot.  Either forward or backward.  The stress was just too much. 

I know you're tired of it all. I would be too.  It's not easy.  The emotions are exhausting.  But don't give up. Work the problem you have in front of you.  Then you can move forward.  I'm sending out good thoughts to you, hoping you feel better.  I really do wish I could just give you a big hug.

One problem at a time, one day at a time.
    Hugs

Quote from: Dena on January 11, 2017, 01:17:15 AM
I don't know if you can do it but for me the pressure built to the point that I had to come out or face serious self harm. I realize my only hope was to stop bottling it up and come out regardless of the consequences. You need to set a day, time or event when you will come out and not let it go beyond that.

I had set a date. I am 12 days past the deadline. Lol

Hugs

Quote from: Joanna50 on January 11, 2017, 03:18:52 PM
The second and the last sentences are the most important in your post.

I am guessing you have a therapist you go to? That is great if you do. Can I ask if you are in school? If so, almost all level of schools have a therapist who could put you in touch with one for a longer period of time. Therapists sometimes will put one in a mental health ER if they need to force you to stop self harm. What ever you do, please be very honest with them. Even if it is scary and exhausting. That can be a really good first start. Then you can work together on approaching your family.

Like so many of us here, I was at that self-harm place before finally going to see a therapist. That was nearly two years ago. It is not all sunshine and flowers now but whose life is? However, once I got to the point of starting to come out to some people I started to see that there could be light in one's life. I did not see the lighter life right away but it became possible. That darkness makes it seem like it is not even possible.

So, one step at a time. Go see a therapist. They will often see you faster if they know that your are damaging yourself. Then work through the urge to self harm and coming out to who you need to.

It is not easy. You can do this, though. We believe you and you have the support of us here as a common family.
Contact any who have offered here, if you need to. PM me or email whenever you want. I will try to get  back to you quickly. We care about you. You belong with us.

Take care of yourself.

With warmth,

Joanna

Thank you Joanna.
    I'm in Medical school, and we don't have therapists here( the irony).
   I love this family so much, it is truly great.
   I feel some weight off my shoulders when I talk here.

Hugs

Quote from: SpeakYourMind on January 11, 2017, 04:34:40 PM


Hello, saira
You're cutting yourself you're not wanting to wake up you're wanting to continue sleeping
You're wanting to hurt yourself to feel anything although you're saying you're to scared to come out to parents.
You ready for the cheesiest comment? You're brave because what you're doing at the moment is reaching out
and that alone is a hard thing to do. On top of this your life is so important your future is brighter then you know
and all you have to do is believe in yourself you have courage then you have strength. Coming out can be very scary but if you're feeling in such distress sometimes facing that fear is worth every second. Not very long ago i felt the same thing and i said the same words "I'm not strong enough" turns out i had a lot of strength and it only takes others who've been there to see the strength in others and i can already see it in you. You'll get there take your time and try relaxing, listen to music or do something you enjoy.

Thank you so much.

Hugs

Quote from: lc100 on January 11, 2017, 09:53:48 PM
I'd write more inspiring words, but I think everyone before me has it covered. I'm also a trans male, so I don't believe I could offer advice on ways to temporarily ease your dysphoria.

As someone who self harms as well, I can understand how difficult it is to stop. In the meantime, have you tried using neosporin for treating scars and letting the cuts heal faster? That is, if you're motivated to get rid of the scars. Sometimes I'm not, other times I'm grossed out by them. Perhaps your motivation could be that, once transitioning, you'll be able to enjoy your body even more without scars left from self harming.

As far as distractions from self harm... That depends on individual. You could work it out with your therapist, like you said. Or did you mean that you're going to finally get one? If so, I hope it goes well and that you could safely come out to them at some point, as well as find distractions. For now, keep looking up various distractions and other ways to cope and figure out what works best for you.

I wish you luck. Keep us updated if you can.

I already have a therapist. I have come out to him as a transgender. He doesn't know anything about my self harm. I haven't even told him about my sexual abuse. I was abused when I was 5 yrs old. I don't tell that to anyone.
I feel I was responsible for it, also, I don't want my parents to find out about it, it would break their hearts.  I feel so dirty inside, guilty even.
      How did you stop with your self harm?

    Yesterday, I tried finding some Mederma cream, but , I wasn't able to find it anywhere. I'll try again today.

     For me, cutting myself was, is a way to feel something, I hate that feeling of not feeling anything, it makes me feel like a vegetable. I know, there were too many "feels" in that sentence, but bear with me.
    I'm not so sure about the scars, the cuts are not too deep, I mean,  they bled, but I think, they will heal. One was too deep, so I stitched myself up. That was some first hand experience for my medical training.

    I'll keep on updating this thread.

Hugs

Love,
Saira.

Saira,

If you'd mentioned being abused before I'd missed it, I'm so sorry to hear this. I had been wondering if you didn't have something like that in your past because of the other things you've been writing.

Let me recommend the book "the body keeps the score" by Bessel van see Kolk. Because you're in med school you should also be able to obtain his (numerous) research articles.

His fundamental contribution has been recognition that humans (and all mammals) register abuse in the limbic center of the brain, an area that's not easily accessible to the thinking brain. As such, he's had good results with body centered therapies, breathing and meditation. I know those are the tools that most help me deal with my own history of abuse.

Consider pranayama? I feel that might be socially accessible for you. I'm not saying don't do therapy, it can help with both trauma and of course addressing gender.

Warm hugs from my side of the pond.

sb

     I can't comprehend how the people around me are so happy all the time. I don't remember really feeling happy in ages.
     I don't remember how it feels to laugh anymore.
     I just want to feel loved.

     I feel as if I am a ghost of a person I used to be. I was never really very happy, but the world definitely felt a better place back then.

     I am severly depressed, barely surviving each day. Only this online space gives me some hope.
     I know, the words I type are just bytes of data, floating in space. But talking here is like a drug, a drug I am clinging on for dear life.

    In Hindu Mythology, "Sanjeevani" is a magical herb, which can cure all forms of disease. Sanjeevani literally means "life giving" in Sanskrit. I wish I could have some of that now.


   

Saira, for every reply you see here there are a hundred more just reading your posts, and hoping for you!  So many of us have been in your place, and have found a way forward, hope, and healing.

None of us know the path your journey will take, but you have started, by seeing a therapist, and coming out to them.  Soon you will have an idea of what is possible, what paths are open to you, and you'll find hope.  It's out there, waiting for you.

You are doing the right thing in seeing a therapist.  Try to be as open and honest as you can with them.  They can help you better when they know all that you are going through.  They can help you clear away the mental clutter, the junk in our heads that we all trip over, and let you discover your path forward, and your hope.

Hope is the most powerful antidepressant I know of, and even though things seem terribly dark right now, you'll get better soon, life will be better soon, and you will have hope again. 

I was in the same spot a year ago.  Deep dark depression, and a feeling of no hope.  I thought I was dead inside, and almost did something very foolish.  Instead, I got help, and I found hope.  I'm better now.

Just hang in there.  Keep seeing that therapist.  Have hope that things will improve.  They will.

I've experienced that, depression has been with me so long that when it returns it feels like my oldest friend. Depression is common among trans people and I know mine has been severely triggered recently due to a combination of stresses coming together.

Ironically, finally having a surgery date has triggered a really nasty wave if depression, largely due to the months of uncertainty followed by an initially unworkable date and lack of communication from my surgeon's office.

For me and perhaps for you the immediate problem is coming from being in the midst of a time of change. The change is good but it's sure not easy.

Hello darkness my old friend...

I cried reading this thread. There are so many things I'd like to tell you but what's the point. First, you need to find a counselor. Someone who would listen to you and to whom you can open up, of course.

If there's anyone who drags you down, you need to let them go, or at least change people and environment you live in. That helped me a lot, found a different perspective.

Ummm... What else... I would definitely find qualified help with those cuts, I was able to suppress my cutting but in turn began to hurt myself in more sophisticated ways... I think most of us have in one way or another tendencies to destructive behaviour, especially before transitioning. All those emotions have to go somewhere...

Sweety, I wish you a happy life and courage to do what you want. We are here for you.

Odoslané z Moto G (4) pomocou Tapatalku

Quote from: Saira128 on January 12, 2017, 06:06:52 AM
Thank you so much.

Hugs

No problem, keep up the strength :)

Quote from: SadieBlake on January 12, 2017, 07:25:13 AM
Saira,

If you'd mentioned being abused before I'd missed it, I'm so sorry to hear this. I had been wondering if you didn't have something like that in your past because of the other things you've been writing.

Let me recommend the book "the body keeps the score" by Bessel van see Kolk. Because you're in med school you should also be able to obtain his (numerous) research articles.

His fundamental contribution has been recognition that humans (and all mammals) register abuse in the limbic center of the brain, an area that's not easily accessible to the thinking brain. As such, he's had good results with body centered therapies, breathing and meditation. I know those are the tools that most help me deal with my own history of abuse.

Consider pranayama? I feel that might be socially accessible for you. I'm not saying don't do therapy, it can help with both trauma and of course addressing gender.

Warm hugs from my side of the pond.

sb

I was abused when I was 5. I didn't know at that time, that this was something unacceptable.
    I have very vivid memories of that day. I remember the foul taste in my mouth.
     I remember wearing my pajama bottoms and shirt, and brushing my teeth twice, trying to get rid of the taste. Its been 15 yrs and I still haven't been able to get rid of it.

So, haven't made a cut on my body for nearly 2 days, I have started rewarding myself for every day without a cut.

Sweetie.

You're not alone, and positive support (self rewards), is a healthy thing to do. .

You do need to talk about all of this with your therapist - if you feel that you can't trust them with this information, then it's time to start looking for a new one, otherwise the root cause of these issues will remain unresolved...

It's thanks to the lovely folk here that I've managed 2 months without harm, although the clock went back to zero days recently after a particularly trying time - so I fully understand.

[hugs]

Rowan

Quote from: Saira128 on January 12, 2017, 06:16:59 AM
    I already have a therapist. I have come out to him as a transgender. He doesn't know anything about my self harm. I haven't even told him about my sexual abuse. I was abused when I was 5 yrs old. I don't tell that to anyone.
I feel I was responsible for it, also, I don't want my parents to find out about it, it would break their hearts.  I feel so dirty inside, guilty even.
Saira.

Saira there's absolutely no way a 5 year old can be responsible for sexual abuse.   There's absolutely no circumstance where someone who has been sexually abused is responsible.  The fault lies completely with the abuser.  This idea that the person abused is somehow at fault is very medieval.   Every person who decides to harm another person has made a choice, they have a brain, there's no magical power forcing them to do this.

Quote from: Saira128 on January 12, 2017, 09:53:31 PM
    I was abused when I was 5. I didn't know at that time, that this was something unacceptable.
    I have very vivid memories of that day. I remember the foul taste in my mouth.
     I remember wearing my pajama bottoms and shirt, and brushing my teeth twice, trying to get rid of the taste. Its been 15 yrs and I still haven't been able to get rid of it.

The person who did this to you is scum and is totally responsible.  This is not your fault in any way.

Take care of yourself Saira.  I hope things start to get better.
Paige :)

Quote from: Paige on January 13, 2017, 08:02:01 AM
Saira there's absolutely no way a 5 year old can be responsible for sexual abuse.   There's absolutely no circumstance where someone who has been sexually abused is responsible.  The fault lies completely with the abuser.  This idea that the person abused is somehow at fault is very medieval.   Every person who decides to harm another person has made a choice, they have a brain, there's no magical power forcing them to do this.

The person who did this to you is scum and is totally responsible.  This is not your fault in any way.

Take care of yourself Saira.  I hope things start to get better.
Paige :)

I think I was being punished for something I did earlier.
     I must have done something pretty bad.

Congrats on 2 days free of self harm!! This is a positive step in the right direction. And yes, for everyday you go reward yourself :)! maybe after a month or so go treat yourself and go out for a special dinner or go to the movies! something like that! milestones baby! they can be done.

Now to the other thing. NO ONE deserves to be abused, especalliy a child. And the fact that it was sexual abuse makes my skin crawl with anger. You did nothing to deserve that, and the guy who did this is nothing but a disgusting pedo who should be 6 feet under.

Stay strong, and keep up the good work! xoxo -Ashley

Quote from: SailorMars1994 on January 13, 2017, 09:03:16 AM
Congrats on 2 days free of self harm!! This is a positive step in the right direction. And yes, for everyday you go reward yourself :)! maybe after a month or so go treat yourself and go out for a special dinner or go to the movies! something like that! milestones baby! they can be done.

Now to the other thing. NO ONE deserves to be abused, especalliy a child. And the fact that it was sexual abuse makes my skin crawl with anger. You did nothing to deserve that, and the guy who did this is nothing but a disgusting pedo who should be 6 feet under.

Stay strong, and keep up the good work! xoxo -Ashley

It wasn't a guy

Quote from: Saira128 on January 12, 2017, 11:09:39 AM
I know, the words I type are just bytes of data, floating in space. But talking here is like a drug, a drug I am clinging on for dear life.   

No, they aren't, Saira. They're the feelings of a beautiful soul crying out in pain. Communication is communication, and reaching out is reaching out. Keep going. People are here for you, okay? You don't have to be alone. Keep talking, about anything, okay? You will get through this. You want to, and that is the biggest step of all. The rest will fall into place.

You don't have to deal with this by yourself. *hugs* Everything you want is there for the taking, sweetie. Just take it one step at a time and you can have it, okay? You have a lot of people who support you, who care about you, and who want the best for you. You're not alone.

Saira. i have been where you are, but my experiences were more overtly self distructive. I found a lgbtq help line that may be in your area, you may want to check them out. In the US i would say call the Trevor project, but maybe this line could be a help.

http://www.gaylaxymag.com/latest-news/sahaay-indias-first-24x7-queer-helpline-service/#gs.6PzOF3E

Quote from: Saira128 on January 13, 2017, 08:35:01 AM
    I think I was being punished for something I did earlier.
     I must have done something pretty bad.

Saira, as a Buddhist, I understand about karma.  But thinking about karma is not helpful in a situation such as this. 

Your five year old self was not in any way responsible for what happened.  You were not being punished for anything.  You were being abused.

Congratulations on two days without harming yourself!

Please open up to your therapist about your past and about your present.  He needs to know about this in order to help you.  And you need to have someone in real life who can help you through this.

Quote from: Saira128 on January 13, 2017, 08:35:01 AM
    I think I was being punished for something I did earlier.
     I must have done something pretty bad.

At age FIVE?  Hon, I raised three kids, and they all did kid stuff, misbehaved, sometimes pulled some pretty expensive stunts. But they are five year olds. They got punished, sure. But it was in terms they understood, NOT abuse. They might lose dessert for a few nights, or get a 'timeout', something they understood.

Kids don't understand abuse. The adults they trust are doing something strange, and it hurts, but they want to make the adults happy with them. And the abusers get away with it, transferring the burden of responsibility to the child.

It's not your fault. No matter what you might have done, you are not to blame for being abused.  That guilt is a legacy from the abuser. You need to let it go, and no longer blame yourself.

Please, talk to your therapist about this.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

    Everyone believes in me except myself. I am so sorry.

     I think I'll be checking in a psychiatric ward tonight. I don't know if I will be able to post new updates for some days.

Wish me luck.

Love,
Saira.
     

Best wishes hon, I sincerely hope you're ok and support you in whatever steps you need to feel better.

I was in one of those wards in november. Take care of yourself <3

I did that when I was 26. Kinda why I'm still hanging around. Good luck and know we'll all be here when you get back.

Find a spot of light, healing and self belief.

With all my best.

Warmly,

Joanna

I feel so depressed right now. I am sorry for being such a downer constantly.
     Time to go to bed and cry myself to sleep.

I haven't harmed myself for the past 1 month. But right now, I want to hurt myself bad.

Thinking of you sweetheart, contact your therapist? Stay in touch here if you can?

Hey Saira, you don't sound so good. I hope you do start to feel a little happier soon.
What have you done so far to advance your transition or atleast cut down the dysphoria?
I don't like seeing you so down.
You deserve as much as the rest of us, and you will get it you persevere!
Be strong, stay safe

Quote from: ChristineRachel on February 14, 2017, 10:13:53 AM
Hey Saira, you don't sound so good. I hope you do start to feel a little happier soon.
What have you done so far to advance your transition or atleast cut down the dysphoria?
I don't like seeing you so down.
You deserve as much as the rest of us, and you will get it you persevere!
Be strong, stay safe

I get nightmares of being sexually abused.

Quote from: Saira128 on February 14, 2017, 06:07:57 AM
I feel so depressed right now. I am sorry for being such a downer constantly.
     Time to go to bed and cry myself to sleep.

Saira, we are here for you.

We've all had bad days, down days, especially early on.  That's when we need the most support. I know typing at a glowing compute screen or phone is nothing like face-to-face contact, but... We are here.

Please don't hurt yourself.  When you are rested, come back and talk to us.  Let us know what you're feeling, and what you are worried about.  We will understand.

We are here for you.


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

Quote from: Saira128 on February 14, 2017, 10:17:57 AM
I get nightmares of being sexually abused.

You should really bring this up with your therapist.  Talking about such rough childhood experiences face to face with someone is a good way to finally process the horrible experiences and get them behind us.

I'm so sorry you have had to go through all of this.  We deserve better.  You deserve better, and you'll find it soon.


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

The "I must have done something to deserve my abuse" is very, very common among survivors of child abuse.  It's the way the brain, especially the immature brain of a child, copes with unbearable behavior from someone who should be protecting the child.

It's not something you can talk a person out of.  There are techniques (I'd like to second the recommendation for The Body Keeps the Score), but talk therapy is not all that effective at dealing with trauma, especially childhood trauma.  Unfortunately, the psychiatric establishment doesn't yet believe in childhood trauma (heck, a lot of them don't even believe in DID) which is why it isn't in the DSM V.

(Of course, the psychiatric establishment didn't believe incest existed, either, until incest survivors groups browbeat them into grudgingly accepting it.  Same for PTSD. Etc., etc.)

Hang in there. We are pulling for you. Try to reach out as much as you can, then try to get rest. I know you are worried about your dreams. However, not sleeping is not the answer either.

Please take care of yourself. Do what you can, positively to make life better for yourself.

With warmth,

Joanna

Ask about emdr - I was maltreated by my dentist (long story), as a child. That work was, without a doubt poorly done, and I ended up in hospital needing emergency treatment for sepsis, with extreme phobias around the whole dental world.

At least I can now type the word, hear it and say it, without a huge shot of anxiety all thanks to  emdr.

Clinically it's a relatively new treatment, but there are experienced specialists around, who are worth finding.

Now I just get panic attacks whenever I feel a twinge anywhere near my mouth. Ah well. Prevention is better than cure ;)

(Hugs)

Sno

Quote from: Saira128 on February 14, 2017, 06:07:57 AM
I feel so depressed right now. I am sorry for being such a downer constantly.
     Time to go to bed and cry myself to sleep.

Hi Saira.  No one here wants you to hurt yourself.  You can tell by the responses that there are many people who support you on this forum.  My suggestion to you is that you also find some people in your area of residence.  Do a search for LGBT Center and LGBT Church or LGBT-friendly Church, all in your area.  Don't let the word "Church" turn you off.  These churches will welcome you.  They will not push "religion" down your throat.  You don't need to be religious at all.  These are not the churches of the haters.  Just go to an LGBT center or church.  Tell someone that you need support, guidance, and fellowship.  They will help you.  I speak from my own experience.  I was very alone.  Now I have many friends whom I love and who love and support me.  Take it easy, my Sister.  I am sending you lots of love, peace, and healing.
Marcella [emoji257]


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Hello Saira! I just finished reading the whole thread and was really touched by what you're going through. Not easy... I myself went through some serious bouts of depression, but I managed to survive. You mentioned that you had anatomy classes with dissections... Are you a med student? I am myself a physician and had to endure lots of dysphoria along my medical student years, growing in a relatively conservative family, in a quite religious country. Anyways, if you'd like to talk with someone who also had to endure the combined and unique challenges of gender dysphoria + med school + conservative family, feel free to PM me. I'd be very happy to help you or simply to hear you!
Big warm hug,
Sarah

Sent from my SM-T810 using Tapatalk

Quote from: Saira128 on January 04, 2017, 03:50:32 PM
      I wake up every morning and just wait for the day to end. I don't feel ambitious about anything, I don't feel anything, I keep on having negative thoughts constantly.
      I know, transitioning would make me feel better, but I don't even have the strength to come out to my parents.
     I just want everything to end. I feel tired, disappointed in myself.
     I don't know, maybe, I am not strong enough.

       I started cutting myself. I have scars all over my arms. I keep on hiding them. Nothing makes me happy anymore.
    I try to hurt myself so that I can feel something.

  I don't know what to do anymore.

this is not the answer and it wont solve anything.  This will only set you back and get in the way of your goals and objectives.

Learning to compartmentalize your situation will help drastically.

Set small goals and objectives. complete them. 

Learn to deal and cope with your problems. Get with a good therapist and learn coping mechanisms, learn to recognize your triggers and deal with them.

Build relationships, develop a strong support system.

Also staying busy, always having a to do list helps. It keeps your mind occupied and focused.

Build confidence. Set new goals constantly, take on new challenges.  This builds confidence, self-esteem and gets your positive endorphins moving in the brain.  This is a key to happiness.

When you have nothing to do and the weight of the world is upon you and you are is the hard part and it can be dangerous to your self-esteem and confidence and leads to dark times.

Take everything one day at a time. Take time to figure out what you want and go get it and let nothing stand in the way.

I haven't cut myself for nearly a month. I feel free.

That is super! Keep up the great work. Life gets hard sometimes but you can do it.

Warmly,

Joanna

Quote from: Saira128 on February 21, 2017, 02:51:11 AM
I haven't cut myself for nearly a month. I feel free.

Yay!  Glad to hear it!   :)  Hang in there.

Saira, thank you for sharing with us. I think that you are a remarkable person, stronger than you know.

You've already come so far.  We're here for you!

Hugs,
Michelle

I made 2 cuts today.
   I couldn't help it.

Please,please don't do that, hon! You deserve to treat yourself better than that. You have been so strong.

Try to just stay at rest, and find that inner strength you have shown.

Hugs, Michelle



Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Sweetie, look at the positives - how long have you been able to go, without this, and how many fewer marks have you made.!

That's progress. Real progress. It may not feel like it right now, but you're doing ok, especially if you set yourself a target of better than this time.

(Hugs)


Rowan

No one understands what I am going through, not my friends, nor my parents.
     I am responsible for it too, I don't show my emotions readily.
    I'm sure you all are sick of me ranting here, spreading all this negativity. I am sorry for that.
     I can't cope with it anymore. I don't know what I want, I just feel sad.
     I'll try for a month and if nothing changes, I'll just end it. I don't want to make anyone sad anymore.
     

You're not making anyone sad or uncomfortable dear. I've have had 3 major crises in my life and consider myself blessed to be here. Most of us have been there. Done that.  You feel what you feel. There is no shame.  Asking for help is not weakness.  Not asking for help is being "too strong."  The big lesson of being transgender is forgiving oneself and learning to love oneself.  Please don't be so hard on yourself.

Quote from: Saira128 on February 23, 2017, 10:26:02 AM
     No one understands what I am going through, not my friends, nor my parents.
     I am responsible for it too, I don't show my emotions readily.
    I'm sure you all are sick of me ranting here, spreading all this negativity. I am sorry for that.
     I can't cope with it anymore. I don't know what I want, I just feel sad.
     I'll try for a month and if nothing changes, I'll just end it. I don't to make anyone sad.
   

Saira, many here have been in the same place.  I've definitely been there.  It's a nasty dark place, and it took me a while to figure out how to leave it and move into the sunlight.

You have a therapist that you've seen, right?  Have you tried talking to them about these feeling, letting them know what's going on?  I found that to be tremendously helpful. The therapist is trained to understand, and guide us out of our darkness.  They won't judge you, and there really isn't anything to fear in being honest and open with them.

You've been able to show some of your emotions here, and we empathize with you.  There is no need to apologize for feeling the way that you do.  It has happened to many of us, and we understand.  We want to help you let this out, and help you cope with this.

Sharing your feelings, just writing them out and putting them here, can help.  I think that what you want is simply to feel better, feel right as yourself.  That is certainly something we all want, and we gather here in this place to help each other.

We're here for you, Saira.

Hugs,
Michelle

Quote from: Saira128 on February 23, 2017, 10:26:02 AM
No one understands what I am going through, not my friends, nor my parents.
     I am responsible for it too, I don't show my emotions readily.
    I'm sure you all are sick of me ranting here, spreading all this negativity. I am sorry for that.
     I can't cope with it anymore. I don't know what I want, I just feel sad.
     I'll try for a month and if nothing changes, I'll just end it. I don't want to make anyone sad anymore.
   

Sweetie,
Support means good times and bad, it means sticking by, and keeping trying to help - it also means freedom to express ourselves, not just the good times - so please don't worry :)

I self harm - and I'm trying to stop. My targets are my areas of physical dysphoria, and I have good and bad days. I do understand, and quietly, there are a few of us here.

If you have a therapist, then great, get in touch with them, and express how you are feeling. If it gets overwhelming then there are links at the top of the page, for folk to talk to, during those crisis moments, and there are all of us here.

Please, keep on talking.

Rowan

Saira,

Use all of the resources that are available to you.  Certainly continue to post here, but also try to find additional help where you are at.  For instance, find someone you can call 7/24 or whenever you are feeling particularly low.  There is no shame in asking for help from a variety of community resources.  That's why they exist.

Practice good self-talk.  Remind yourself repeatedly, "Self-harm is never the answer."  Walk!  Exercise!  Fill your moments and days with physical activity. 

All the best.   

Saira,

I just wanted to join the chorus of us on here who are rooting for you, who believe in you, and who care about you.

With love,
P

I have major depression. I am on anti-depressants, anti-anxiety pills.
  The pills make me want to sleep continuously, and don't really help with my depression nor my anxiety.
     Should I stop taking them?
   I need to study for my final year of Medicine, and I can't afford to sleep 12-13 hrs a day.
      What do you ladies suggest?

Quote from: Saira128 on March 01, 2017, 09:23:39 AM
I have major depression. I am on anti-depressants, anti-anxiety pills.
  The pills make me want to sleep continuously, and don't really help with my depression nor my anxiety.
     Should I stop taking them?
   I need to study for my final year of Medicine, and I can't afford to sleep 12-13 hrs a day.
      What do you ladies suggest?

That's a really tough call.  Backing off on the medication may expose you to more risks and distractions from studying from the return of anxiety and possibly depression.  If your studies can constantly distract you from the issues driving the depression and anxiety it might be worth the risk. 

It might be worth consulting with a professional about this, just to help you figure out what you can tolerate in terms of medication vs study effort, and what adjustments can be safely made.

I know you are a strong person, and will get through this.  Depression and anxiety are really rough when we have to concentrate on a task, so there is a tradeoff involved.  Just be careful.

Hugs and best wishes for successful studies!
Michelle

Quote from: Saira128 on March 01, 2017, 09:23:39 AM
I have major depression. I am on anti-depressants, anti-anxiety pills.
  The pills make me want to sleep continuously, and don't really help with my depression nor my anxiety.
     Should I stop taking them?
   I need to study for my final year of Medicine, and I can't afford to sleep 12-13 hrs a day.
      What do you ladies suggest?

I also suffer from major depressive disorder but haven't had an episode since 2013.  Sleeping 12-13 hours a day is a problem.   I want to do the same thing when I suffer a severe bout of depression.  My advice is to make a major effort to avoid this sort of sleep.  It is actually both a symptom and cause of depression.  i.e., the more you sleep, the more severe the depressive episode will be.  Do whatever you need to end this pattern. You should not be sleeping more that 9 hours a night.  Even if it means setting the alarm clock EVERY DAY.   Try to go to bed the same time every night.  Exercise.  Avoid sugar and junk food.  If you are lying in bed reading or studying and getting sleepy, then get up and walk around the block.  Also, the type of sleep is important as well.  It's important to get a lot of delta wave sleep.  This is the deepest state of sleep that is marked by delta wave EEG patterns of the sleeper. Studies have shown that Human Growth Hormone is manufactured and released by the body during delta sleep.  HGH gives you more energy and defeats fatigue.   There are supplements that can help with this. Also auto suggestion before sleep helped me to get better sleep.   If your current anti-depressants are causing  you to get sleepy discuss this with your doctor. It can take some time, trying different anti-depressants, trial and erroring if you will, till you find the one that works best for you.   They all have different side effects.  Also, it takes the anti-depressants a while to start working.

Jane Emily's advice is spot on.  It sparked a memory of a family member who has been down this path.  There were several tweaks to treatment of a family member with depression and anxiety, similar to what she describes.

Is there a painless way to kill myself?

Saira, I want you to call the Trans Lifeline. Here's the number: US: (877) 565-8860 / Canada: (877) 330-6366

Or if you're in a different country, please let me know which one. Let's find someone you can talk to on the phone. If you're seeing a therapist, sometimes they will chat on the phone between sessions if needed.

We love you, Saira, and we want you to stay here with us! I know it's so, so hard--I am not trying to say that it's not hard, or painful. You have every right to feel this pain and depression. But we also want to keep you here with us so that you can enjoy some of the good things that are yet to come for you.

Love,
P

Quote from: Saira128 on March 02, 2017, 11:00:34 AM
Is there a painless way to kill myself?

Saira, that path is no good.  There are better ways to go, better paths for you.

Please call a suicide hotline there, talk to someone, just to dump your feelings out.  It helps.

I did find one, snehaindia.org, at 91.44.24640050 that says it is a 24 hour line, in the Chennai area.

I have been there as well and I am glad I didn't take the quick way out. I know it's difficult now and you have a bunch of work ahead of you but you have to believe it's going to get better and you will be happy. Call your therapist or somebody who can talk with and keep you occupied until this passes.

Quote from: Saira128 on March 02, 2017, 11:00:34 AM
Is there a painless way to kill myself?

The answer is no.  It's always no. I know this might sound meaningless to you now, but it WILL get better.
It really sounds like you need tell some real live people in your real life world about the way you're feeling right now.  People who can help.  Reach out for a lifeline no matter where it appears. Can you call your mom or dad? Or other family member? A local emergency room? Your therapist?  Are there any Indian suicide help lines you can reach where you are?
I've asked myself that question before too. It's a very common in our transgender community to feel this way at some point. There is a way out.  It just means you need to connect to someone where you are.  And keep talking to us too.

Sara, you're clearly hurting worse since last month, can you tell us if something has happened or changed? Of course maybe nothing has happened and you're simply feeling worse. I believe you mentioned taking an antidepressant, and sometimes those make things worse, please talk ti the prescribing psychiatrist.

I can't even imagine what's happening for you now, I hope you will talk to us, feel free to PM me also.

Warm hugs, love Sadie

Just want the pain to stop.

Quote from: Saira128 on March 22, 2017, 12:29:58 PM
Just want the pain to stop.

Saira, I think I understand that.  Are you doing anything for yourself right now?  I haven't seen any updates from you for a little while.  Any therapy sessions, or starting any medical treatment yet?

Just chatting here might even bring you a little comfort.

Hmmm, I am far from an expert. But seems you have been having these issues for a long time and they are intense. May I suggest a few things that have been suggested to me? Try seeking CBT (cognitive behavior therapy), EMDR or maybe even hypnotherapy. I am in the midst of starting these myself, but they seem to be the most popular and effective when regular talk therapey isnt doing as much as expected. You may also want to talk to your Dr about taking some take as needed medications when you find your less then happy moods increasing. Just suggestions I have to given, lets do them thogether <3

Hugs-Ashley

Cutting yourself is not the answer and neither is self harm.  I would suggest trying to come out to a psychiatrist and work from there.  Doing so would not only help in transition but also in your mental and emotional wellbeing.  I would also see how your best friend responds to hints without dropping the whole subject at once. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Quote from: Michelle_P on March 22, 2017, 12:43:19 PM
Saira, I think I understand that.  Are you doing anything for yourself right now?  I haven't seen any updates from you for a little while.  Any therapy sessions, or starting any medical treatment yet?

Just chatting here might even bring you a little comfort.

I am under psychiatric treatment for depression. The doc knows about my gender dysphoria too. But she said, that she will try to control my depression first, and then, we'll talk about my dysphoria.
     I am living with my parents now, I am not living alone. I have joined a gym, I don't skip a day, ever. I have started playing some games on my ps4, I don't do much rest of the day.
     I am stressed out about my exams too, I didn't appear for my exams the last time, I was very depressed, suicidal. Actually, that very day, I came out to my parents.
I have a re-exam in June. I haven't started studying for it yet. Even thinking about studying right now, makes me nauseated.
       This is the story of my life right now, more or less.

Quote from: SailorMars1994 on March 22, 2017, 12:52:28 PM
Hmmm, I am far from an expert. But seems you have been having these issues for a long time and they are intense. May I suggest a few things that have been suggested to me? Try seeking CBT (cognitive behavior therapy), EMDR or maybe even hypnotherapy. I am in the midst of starting these myself, but they seem to be the most popular and effective when regular talk therapey isnt doing as much as expected. You may also want to talk to your Dr about taking some take as needed medications when you find your less then happy moods increasing. Just suggestions I have to given, lets do them thogether <3

Hugs-Ashley

Yes, I have been suggested CBT before.

Just taking it one day or hour at a time is a good choice. Glad to hear you are working out, that usually helps.

Up to your doctors I guess. Might you ask if since a symptom of dysphoria is depression maybe they can take some small steps with you?

Just an idea. Good luck.

With warmth,

Joanna

Quote from: Saira128 on March 23, 2017, 08:29:51 AM
    I am under psychiatric treatment for depression. The doc knows about my gender dysphoria too. But she said, that she will try to control my depression first, and then, we'll talk about my dysphoria.
     I am living with my parents now, I am not living alone. I have joined a gym, I don't skip a day, ever. I have started playing some games on my ps4, I don't do much rest of the day.
     I am stressed out about my exams too, I didn't appear for my exams the last time, I was very depressed, suicidal. Actually, that very day, I came out to my parents.
I have a re-exam in June. I haven't started studying for it yet. Even thinking about studying right now, makes me nauseated.
       This is the story of my life right now, more or less.

Siara, I know it is hard right now, but you are doing all of the right things.  You are showing strength and wisdom in getting into therapy, letting your parents know, moving to live with others, and getting to the gym every day.  These are all great steps to have taken.

I know that with depression, concentration and studying are hard to do.  It is hard to even realize that there might be a future.  Many of us here have lived through similar experiences.  Your strength will serve you well in getting through this and finding your way forward.

Just know that it does get better.  It really does, even when depression hides that better future from us.

You've got a lot going for you, and folks who care about you.  As Joanna says, just take it an hour or a day at a time. 

Hugs,
Michelle

I'm glad you were able to move back home with your parents. It kinda sounds like what you need right now.  I had to move back home with my parents after my suicide attempt/crisis back in 1984.   I lost my job, my apartment and many of my illusions.   I used it as an opportunity to start over after hitting rock bottom.  It took me a long time to rebuild my life. So you are not alone. Lots of us have been in the exact same place you are right now.

And getting exercise at the gym every day sounds sounds like a great idea!