Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Hello again everyone, its Christine.

I have been feeling more disphoric about just about everything at the moment, sad thing is I feel so selfish in thinking like this :/
I'm a few days of the six month mark now on HRT and full dose everything, I'm super fortunate, I know, they're others, even some of you reading this who may not even be on hormones yet and struggling with that, and here I am crying about nothing. I feel so bad about this.
Let me tell you though the whole feeling female thing and the transition really has helped bring on my disphoria twice as hard as it ever was. This for me was a true hidden effect that I never really heard talked of. It has hit me hard. Mostly in silly vain things like my appearance and voice. I have become so hard on myself and pick myself apart about everything, my jawline, my nose, my brow, my chest, my voice even my hair.(which I love)
This is why I feel so selfish, and probably deserve a good slap.
On my good days I really don't think any of these features are that bad, my hairline has even at the corners begun growing alot of new baby hairs, filling in those old manly indentations,, my muscle changes have softened me alread quiet abit and my hips look pretty big.
Its hard for me to tell what has caused this negativity, maybe because I haven't been able to come out to everyone and socially transition? I haven't been able to do my brows or do my make up, hair or even dress the way I feel. This has also gotten worse since accepting being this way and getting on hormones. More I see some of my body change, more I feel right in myself. The more I notice feature I don't like, features that before when I pretty much never knew about transition or the possibilty of living life as a women, I simply would tell myself to "cop on and quit crying, you are not a woman, and those features are perfectly fine for a guy", that was easy enough to believe when you never knew the possibilties and had to accept yourself as a man.
I don't know why I'm even telling you guys this, but I have been quiet down and negative about myself lately, I don't think I'm depressed or anything, I just don't like me being so negative about such trivial things. I never was like this before.
I also realise that I am in a very fortunate position, I was able to start all this fairly young(26) I stayed pretty petite all my life, I'm in perfect health and 65kg with no hair loss (my hair grew into the man shape, there never was hair their before HRT), I have no reason to be like this!
Sometimes I feel like maybe blogging some of my journey or making youtube videos, but my voice and negativity has held me way back.
For those of you interested I will attach a pic of this hair growth, hair starts blonde and slowly darkens thickens and lengthens, this may help some of you see some of the possibilties of HRT that I never knew could happen
I know my negativity sucks, and I do try to avoid it
I shouldn't be spreading this vibe here either, but I had to get it out! Sorry girls! :/ and guys if you are here

(https://i.imgur.com/NuxXz3E.jpg)

Some new hairs are even being pulled up too :')

Super cool about the hairs~! Its okay I can be a bit of a debbie downer fairy often too. I find the wore weight I lose I notice more things wrong too, like my trach becoming more prominent now that my neck has slimmed down by LOTS. >.< (Yet the 'love handles' seem to stay..)

Christine, that's so cool, seeing that HRT actually does this! Of course, the more info HRT you get, the more you feel a disbalance between areas HRT can change and areas HRT can't change, like your voice. So it's more visible for you but that doesn't mean you are not a girl anymore...

I would suggest starting a voice therapy, if you feel dysphoric about it. Many of us feel very off just because our voices don't pass..other things are just an add-on but voice can be a first impression thing.

Oh and I feel happy for you, hopefully I will be able to follow your steps!

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Christine, it's perfectly normal to struggle even more with dysphoria while you're in the midst of transition.  There's a reason for this -- the more you become familiar with being gendered female (by yourself and others) and that accompanying euphoria, the more it's going to make you dysphoric when you receive male gendering, because you're more acutely aware of how wrong that is.  Especially because you're not full-time yet.

Often, the hardest thing is learning how to stop clocking yourself.  Not to say we shouldn't be lucidly clear on what aspects of our embodiment need to be addressed -- Sidney's right that there's always room for more voice work -- but it's a fine line between identifying and taking steps to address our dysphoria and actually stoking it up.  We need to learn to tell ourselves stories that what we're doing doesn't means anythin other than we are women taking care of our needs. 

Hey Christine, I'm one of those that is not on hormones.  You have no reason to apologize or feel guilt about your emotions.  We all have them, they're natural and they're valid.  This place exists for you to come share your feelings without guilt or shame and to get feeback and hopefully support from the other people here.  We're all on our own journeys and at different stages of those journeys so please don't feel like you don't have a right to be depressed or upset just because you're further along on yours.

Regarding your feelings, please try to remember we are our own worst critics.  As each of us tries to achieve an image that aligns with our sense of self, we're going to be the ones that are able to see all the little "defects" that keep us from that image.  To the rest of the world however, those little aspects are more often than not barely noticeable.  The only advice I can offer is try to focus less on the parts that don't match your goal image and maybe give a little more time to admire the parts of you that are coming into line with how you want to be going forward.  Celebrate those little victories, like your hair line, and while I realize it's easier said than done, try to be patient as you wait for other aspects to change.

Thank you Girls, it helps to have someone here what I hsve to say, and give me some persepective on it, perspective you can't see when you are in it.
I know it is common place to have these feeling come and go, and you have reminded me of that.
Its funny every now and then ther is things we forget. Ther are even bad ways of thinking about ourselves, that we normally avoid, we slip back into from time to time.
I supose the negativity is to be expected, if ther was no negativity ther would be no positive, just as with good and bad, ther must be a contrast to remind us of each outcome or feeling.
Thank you hearing me out.
And Lisa thanks, it reminds me to of how long I waited for my hormones, how I done it I will never know :') and it wasn't even that long.
I hope you get sorted soon
Thanks for your words again, they do mean alot and help me get through my lowness, for now..... it always creeps back I know :@

Quote from: ChristineRachel on January 13, 2017, 02:21:55 PM
Thank you Girls, it helps to have someone here what I hsve to say, and give me some persepective on it, perspective you can't see when you are in it.
I know it is common place to have these feeling come and go, and you have reminded me of that.
Its funny every now and then ther is things we forget. Ther are even bad ways of thinking about ourselves, that we normally avoid, we slip back into from time to time.
I supose the negativity is to be expected, if ther was no negativity ther would be no positive, just as with good and bad, ther must be a contrast to remind us of each outcome or feeling.
Thank you hearing me out.
And Lisa thanks, it reminds me to of how long I waited for my hormones, how I done it I will never know :') and it wasn't even that long.
I hope you get sorted soon
Thanks for your words again, they do mean alot and help me get through my lowness, for now..... it always creeps back I know :@

Trust me, I get it lol
I get REALLY worked up, having to leave what precious little facial hair I have grow in between electrolysis/laser sessions in 'boy mode' at work. >.< (Its NOT a pretty site. lol)

Quote from: Angela Drakken on January 13, 2017, 03:41:47 PM
Trust me, I get it lol
I get REALLY worked up, having to leave what precious little facial hair I have grow in between electrolysis/laser sessions in 'boy mode' at work. >.< (Its NOT a pretty site. lol)

I am having lasser and it reduce so much in the first session, you should try, you can shave all the time, and its fast. This is the proper permanent laser too. Redness dissapears after an hour or two!

    Relax sweetie! You are already on hormones and that is such a wonderful thing. Your hairline is filling up, thats wonderful.

      I'm sure you are already a beautiful girl. Stay positive, hrt will get you there eventually.
   
     I don't really know what to say, because I am not on hrt, and I myself am struggling with a lot of negativity. I just know, whatever happens, we are always there for you.
   
        I wish I could start on hrt too.

I know Saira, I know :') I have nothing to worry about really.
I know you struggle alot, its people like you is why I felt so bad to be crying over pretty much nothing!
You stay strong now Saira, we all got your back here.
Its so annoying we all live so far away :/

Quote from: ChristineRachel on January 14, 2017, 02:05:20 AM
I know Saira, I know :') I have nothing to worry about really.
I know you struggle alot, its people like you is why I felt so bad to be crying over pretty much nothing!
You stay strong now Saira, we all got your back here.
Its so annoying we all live so far away :/

I am sorry I made you cry.

      I know, I am struggling right now. Seems like I am losing the battle with myself. I'll try to get myself checked into a psychiatric ward tonight. I want to live. I don't want to die, not after I have accepted I am transgender.
     I feel like I am so close, yet so far away.

      I 'll not be able to post here for some days.
Maybe, you can keep updating my recent thread. Keep me alive online. Tell everyone, that I'll not be able to post for some days.

Bye.

I wish I could meet you some day.

Love,
Saira.

Christine, I can relate. I am 10 months in and had some of my worst dysphoria in a long time this week. I basically had some thoughts that ended up a day later triggering horrible bottom dysphoria. I try to detach myself from the dysphoria and look at what it's telling me. One thing I learned is that my social dysphoria is a lot worse than I used to tell myself and it has been amazing to finally pass consistently. Another thing is that I always assumed that intensity of dysphoria was linked to phantom limb sensation but obviously it's not and I guess for me fears over social role really ramp the dysphoria up (coming back to that social issue again). It sucks to be struggling with this but at least now I can list all the things I'm not feeling so dysphoric about any more (like my voice).

Unfortunately dysphoria is going to be with us as trans people but we are strong and we can beat it. I know I can go hours without feeling dysphoric if I avoid thoughts that set it off. Working for me is a good way to avoid it. Doing things I enjoy. Obviously for you being outside the house isn't helping because you are still in male mode so when you're at home maybe dress up the way you want or just start doing really distracting things so you don't brood on your dysphoria would be my suggestion.

Quote from: ChristineRachel on January 14, 2017, 12:37:02 AM
I am having lasser and it reduce so much in the first session, you should try, you can shave all the time, and its fast. This is the proper permanent laser too. Redness dissapears after an hour or two!

Were comboing both. Its working great so far! Its not so bad having to be clean shaven for the laser appointments, but the electrolysis for my blonde and greys, shes got to be able to grab em with tweezers and I just.. ugh.. lol

Oddly enough Ive never had any redness? We broke the machine one because she doesnt frequently use it on the highest setting either lol

Hi Christine,

I totally understand as the more I get right with my body the more I want corrected! It seems it is never ending! I hope you keep progressing! Just think about us older trans people who didn't have the resources or medical support there is today!

Hi Saira,

Good luck with your treatment!

Hugs Riki

Saira just you take care of you, I will have you in my thoughts!

Thats so good that you can pass now Anxietydisord3r!
Im sure as a man and nearly 10 months in your voice must be pretty good, you guys are so lucky for that, the fact that it changes with T.
I hope I can work hard on my voice, and get ther, I don't like it one bit.
My main problem with being to live as I wish is that since August last year ther has always been an extra person living in my appartement. They should be gone soon, but it has been very hard to not get to do anything for so long :/

Haha Angela, at the price I pay id be fit to buy a new machine every session. Its extorsion here, just under 500 francs a session (Switzerland)

Riki, I'm sorry you had to go through those times, but thankfull it was those before us that paved the way for us younger ones.
i was trapped for a long time as my family was super old fashioned, and it trapped me for 25 years. I should have been out much sooner as I had plenty Gay friends, I was always part of the rejects at school, we where all the odd balls. I should have been out as alot of these friends wher highly ecentric and I could have easily joined them.
Its that image I had to uphold, the passivist in me tried to go the easiest path. And now it has back fired :/

Quote from: ChristineRachel on January 14, 2017, 02:14:49 PM
Haha Angela, at the price I pay id be fit to buy a new machine every session. Its extorsion here, just under 500 francs a session (Switzerland)

Thats... almost 4 times what I pay if my conversion rate is correct? ($1.30 CAD?)

insanity!

I get it too hon it doesn't really help but I've kinda worked it out.

At first we notice the slightest feminine traits within ourself grateful as we see ourselves moving forwards but when you reach the tipping point it's no longer  about the feminine traits pulling you forward but the remaining masculine ones holding us back.

Most direct experience recently was having to stop my meds before surgery. My fast healing I'm usually glad of I hated fast as the T prompted my body to undo the work of my meds at an astonishing rate.

Black hairs on my face and having to shave again I was totally unprepared for and it broke me.

To others they claim they were not noticeable unless really close but to me I might as well have had a full beard and tattoo on my face saying FAKE.

Still another few days until I get my normal appearance fully restored and until then every little detail that isn't quite right is weighing on me heavily.

I can handle it only because I know it is temporary and although I suck at being patient it helps especially as piece by piece I get myself back.

You've done seriously awesome hon in a short space of time which is as you've seen a blessing and a curse. Overall an undeniable blessing but we always want more. What we could once put up with become unbearable. The closer we get to being finished the larger the small things will be.

I could tell you it will go away but it won't and that I have realised is a good thing.

Can't remember where I read it but a trans woman was unhappily looking at herself and sighing in the mirror lamenting aloud "When will I get to look in the mirror and feel like a woman." her gf answered "You already are feeling like a woman. We all feel that way"

Once we cross the line in our mind we need to remember we are just normal women on the quest for perfection. We will get upset and cry over our self perceived weaknesses but we're not the first girls to cry about feeling ugly. Even when others tell you are beautiful it doesn't change how we feel so your feelings are always perfectly valid.

If upset about appearances and what's left just remembered you are allowed to be upset sweetie. It's never silly or about nothing it all matters x

Thanks Jerrica for reading this, I had to read it again myself to remember what I was feeling.
I am still in this boat at the moment, but the feeling has lessened.
I hope I can arrange something not to have to come of blockers for any oops.
And yes that old woman in the mirror is very true. It's just annoying because I or maybe other trans girls go back to blaming these things on being born male. :@
But we still should be greatful we aren't the most unfortunate either.
There are those stuck living the lie, they have no way or means of coming out or hormones or nothing.
I feel sorry most for those people.
And fortunate ones like me really have no right to be really crying to much about it.
My dad is also trying to make life not easy for me.
And I fear I may have to rush sell a car here in Switzerland to import my other car in Ireland to here
I fear in rage he could even maybe damage it? :/

You ALWAYS have a right  to upset and it is good for us as it does help us to remember how far we've come.

Good the feeling is lessening but you never have to make yourself feel better sometimes it's nice to follow it to the sadness to the bottom, deal with the demons then float back up after.

Sure it would have been a lot easier to be been born the right way but for better or worse we have been shaped by our experiences. Without them you simply wouldn't be you. I love you as you and so do you :)

I agree if I hadn't woke up and realised I could actually change I'd have just hit the button and died again as I wouldn't have been able to deal with it.

I've always got trust issues I'd probably do something to protect your car even if it's fake loaning it to a friend to put somewhere safe.

I'm just sorry it took me so long to see this thread. Hopefully my settings will work now.

Thanks Jerrica.
I know everyone has these days.
It is in a fading sort of state but does hit me from time to time.
And Dad definitely doesn't help.
Bros told he specifically told them not to make things easy for me. Lol
They are all on my side

Not entirely unexpected news about your dad but loving that everyone is on your side.

A good reminder for him he doesn't control you or your family any more.

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Nope not atall when it come to him, still have some hope.
He is thick as hell like.
Aw yea that truly marked the end of his reign that is for sure.