Susan's Place Transgender Resources

..The girl who sexually assaulted me when I was a child. She still lives in the area, breeder welfare case..
I was visiting my girlfriend at work on her break with dinner, and when leaving the parking lot I saw her walk in front of my truck.. She didn't recognize me, likely never would. A million thoughts raced through my mind, part of me wanted to gun the engine and run her down with my vehicle (not productive, or positive.) Part of me was glad that shed become a fat slob in her later years. Part of me was curious what kind of 'life' shes leading now, if she even remembered what she'd done to me when I was little, I know she was pretty young too, yet old enough to know better. Part of me was wondering about the 'statute of limitations' for Sex Assault cases in Ontario and if it'd even make a difference. Then, part of me realized the light had turned green and I'd been idling there for about 4 minutes and she was long gone from view.. I got honked at, to be expected. I'm pretty 'triggered' right now, I think it's called. I still have intimacy issues to this day, physical contact repulses me, and it REALLY effects my personal relationships. Y.Y

I am so very sorry, Angela Drakken.
I don't know who said this but try hard to believe it when I think about what Mom and my cousin did to me.

"Forgive not because they deserve it, but because you deserve peace."

Love, Flytrap

Quote from: flytrap on January 13, 2017, 08:39:19 PM
I am so very sorry, Angela Drakken.
I don't know who said this but try hard to believe it when I think about what Mom and my cousin did to me.

"Forgive not because they deserve it, but because you deserve peace."

Love, Flytrap

I think it was Jonathan Lockwood Huie, though I could be wrong, I frequently am.. lol
Sadly, I don't think forgiveness is ever in my heart for this one, I can forgive my parents for the way they tried to 'train' the 'queerness' out of me, I can forgive everyone who picked on me, beat me up, or threw things at me, laughed at me, in extreme situations, tried to kill me.

There's no finality to this one, I get to live my life cringing whenever my girlfriend touches me, every time it breaks her heart. She knows it's not her fault. Meanwhile, this monster has her whole life with no regrets..

Not to mention the whole stigma about 'boys' being sexually assaulted.. it clearly doesn't happen amirite? >.>

I think you have proven yourself to be a better person than she is. For a moment you held her life in your hands and you refused to take revenge. Instead you allowed her to continue on her way never knowing how much her life could have changed in an instant. I know you are still hurting and the memory will be with you for the rest of your life, but you have a great future waiting for you.

Quote from: Dena on January 13, 2017, 08:48:58 PM
I think you have proven yourself to be a better person than she is. For a moment you held her life in your hands and you refused to take revenge. Instead you allowed her to continue on her way never knowing how much her life could have changed in an instant. I know you are still hurting and the memory will be with you for the rest of your life, but you have a great future waiting for you.

I still feel like such a coward though, I never said anything when It mattered. (To the right people, anyway.) I couldn't even honk my horn and glare at her now. Y.Y

Quote from: Angela Drakken on January 13, 2017, 08:51:50 PM
I still feel like such a coward though, I never said anything when It mattered. (To the right people, anyway.) I couldn't even honk my horn and glare at her now. Y.Y

You were young and inexperienced in life when it happened. Women much older than you were at the time hid the fact that they were raped for years because of the shame or the fear of not being believed. You are not a coward as you have lived with it for years and were able to put it far enough in the background that you could build a life for yourself. Had you honked your horn, she would not have known what it was about so it wouldn't have made any difference.

There will always be would have, could have, should have but you can't change the past. You look at what you have now and start building a new life. Live for the future.

Wisdom schooled, thank you Dena :3
Thanks for letting me vent a little before my partner gets home. I'm a bit more calm now before talking about this with her tonight. I opted not to tell her right away, because I didn't want to upset her at work >.<

You are human. I mean that in all the best possible ways(I usually mean the other way).

Humans have empathy, curiosity and compassion. Other species show some of that but really only humans fully can work through this. You proved it. You are a positive human.

Your rock. Congratulations.

With warmth,

Joanna

PS Do feel free to scream, vent and cry a little longer if you need.

Sometimes taking out a POS is just not worth it. This is one such case. They've probably stuffed their own life up big time. Most of the scum who bullied me as a kid are dead, in jail or live in a bus shelter drinking metal polish. I'm OK with that

I'm 52, and endured a lot of csa as a child. I was 46 when I finally saw a therapist. 40+ years of "living" in a hell partly of my own making...because I was stubborn and thought I could deal with it on my own, after the police and school staff did nothing.

PTSD is treatable, but you have to want it in order to make it happen.

Mental health and its treatment have a bad reputation, partly because of how much was unknown 50-100 years ago...it's much better now.

The abusers in my childhood are all dead btw (natural causes, old age mainly).

Quote from: Beth Andrea on January 14, 2017, 02:53:00 AM
PTSD is treatable, but you have to want it in order to make it happen.

My trauma therapist told me the same thing. She says there are two kinds of people in the world. Those who go to therapy to face the fear and pain from their abuse, and those who don't. Trauma recovery therapy is  highly successful. And horribly painful. Sadly most people limp through life looking for any reason than can to avoid facing the abuse they suffered as children.

I was going to try to say something about getting over things... but then I thought about some of the kids who made my life hell and what sort of reaction I would have if one of them crossed by me unwittingly in the street. I'd want to wrap my fingers around their throat until their brain rattled. So... I can't really say what I was going to.

But I think you were on the right track. She probably never amounted to much, and if she is a fat slob she'll do herself in all on her own in the end. Whereas you're on a road to another world. The baggage doesn't deserve to come along as well, or to have such a place of significance in your new life.

Mental skins are there to be outgrown and shed and walked over and forgotten. At least, that's how I managed to get through a fairly crappy childhood. Lots of miniature deaths of the old me and lots of purging of memories.

I feel for you, Angela. This is something you never really get over. The person who sexually assaulted me works down the street from me in the nearby hospital. Luckily I never have to see her, so I haven't had to deal with the same conflict you have. I just make a point to avoid that place as much as possible just so it doesn't come to that.

Our individual and collective stats about abuse are almost too horrible to think about for long.  We do recover and we do survive and the very best antidote is to thrive.  Living full, well and with loving intention is the best remedy or revenge I have found.

Angela you sound very creative and while we may never forget, your talents can help you move on to better places and directions to point your headlights.

Quote from: Tessa James on January 15, 2017, 01:15:14 PM
Angela you sound very creative and while we may never forget, your talents can help you move on to better places and directions to point your headlights.

I do spend a great deal of time inside my head, not sure how I come off as 'creative' though.. lol

Quote from: Kylo on January 15, 2017, 12:35:18 PM
But I think you were on the right track. She probably never amounted to much, and if she is a fat slob she'll do herself in all on her own in the end. Whereas you're on a road to another world. The baggage doesn't deserve to come along as well, or to have such a place of significance in your new life.

No I don't think she ever has, or ever will, amount to much. Just sitting around popping out kids like a clown car.
Still more of a life than she deserves..

From now on though, I'm going to concentrate on making mine AWESOME. My doctors are going to be pretty upset with me when they find out I had a couple cigarettes this week.. I think I get a free pass on that though!

Angela, you are not a coward.  You handled it as well as your young self knew how.  And whether or not you are able to forgive her yet, your victory is in living your life as well as you are able today.

For years, I harboured thoughts of doing violence to the boy who sexually assaulted me in high school.  I longed to break every finger on his hand, the way I should have at the time.  (Okay, that may not sound very violent in the grand scheme of things, but it was for me.)

What changed was me.  Coming out to myself, I realized that he had seen something in me that I didn't recognize in myself: that I was gender non-conforming.  He made a mistake (trans not gay) and what he did was totally wrong regardless, but it finally made sense.  And, with that understanding, I was able to forgive him.  I haven't seen him in 45 years, and I probably won't ever again, but it is a load off my mind.  My forgiveness won't make a scrap of difference to him, but it removes that violence from my mind.

I really don't think she 'saw' anything in me. She was a hormonally driven teenager, and I may as well been a plastic object.

Quote from: Angela Drakken on January 15, 2017, 02:33:55 PM
From now on though, I'm going to concentrate on making mine AWESOME. My doctors are going to be pretty upset with me when they find out I had a couple cigarettes this week.. I think I get a free pass on that though!

And that Angela Brakken, is what transcendence is all about. There are very few who escape childhood or even adulthood without some degree of angst and some have had more than anyone should be expected to bear. As often as it has been said, I have found more than a few seeds of truth in the phrase "what doesn't kill you will only make you stronger." You didn't run over her did you?
Were I to offer any advice it would be to mention this incident and where it took you to your counselor should you have one; putting the past to rest may help with intimacy - it did for me.
(Only a couple of cigarettes? I would have devoured several packs!)

Susan

Quote from: Angela Drakken on January 13, 2017, 06:15:08 PM
Part of me was wondering about the 'statute of limitations' for Sex Assault cases in Ontario and if it'd even make a difference.

Hi Angela,

When it comes to child abuse, there is no statute of limitations in Canada. Whether the child abuse occurred 5 minutes ago, 5 weeks ago, 5 or 50 years ago, an offender can still be charged. Nowhere is the latter more evident than with our Aboriginal people: more than 7,000 lawsuits have been filed against the Canadian Federal Government claiming sexual, physical and cultural abuse suffered at Residential Schools.

http://haltnow.ca/what-is-abuse/child-abuse/child-abuse-and-the-law

Sorry to hear about your abuse.
All the best,
Paige :)

Thats super awesome to hear. I may discuss this with my therapist when I meet with her next. (Though obviousy being assigned male, I still fear a good defense lawyer can somehow make it my fault because of whats between my legs..)

I don't blame you for that urge to run her over. You know that'd make the whole situation a lot worse for you, but I fully understand the temptation & and I'm glad you resisted it.

I was also abused growing up, and I'd always planned to someday sue the *illegitimate child* who did that to me. But once I grew up I got busy building my own life: establishing my career, buying a house, getting married, having kids... all that jazz. All of that distracted me from the very important business of taking him to court and letting everyone know exactly what kind of monster he really was.

But a couple of years ago I got in touch with his daughter on Facebook, and she revealed that he'd passed away the previous year.

I had such mixed feelings. I was obviously relieved that I'd never again have to look over my shoulder fearing his presence. But on the other hand, I was utterly devastated. Not because he'd kicked the bucket - but because it meant the SOB had managed to get away with it and I'd never be able to make him pay for what he did. He went to his grave knowing that everyone around him thought he was a great guy. It's kinda like the Jimmy Savile case (if you don't know who that is, don't Google him; it's very triggering).

The worst bit was that his daughter and our mutual childhood friends were singing his praises all over Facebook, saying how much fun he was. Each and every one of those messages stung like you wouldn't (or probably would!) believe. I had to see all of that knowing that there wasn't much I could say to his daughter... but I did message our mutual friends and told them I was deeply hurt to see the guy who abused me for so many years described in such glowing terms. I told them what he'd done to me, so even if he never saw his 'reputation' being tarnished in life, at least everyone has had to think twice about him now. And yes, his daughter did know about the abuse but because he never did it to her she'd just ignored it.

So his passing meant that I didn't get closure and now I'll never be able to do so. So what can I do? The only thing I can do is to draw a line under my past experiences & try to move forward. Yes, I keep getting triggered. Yes, I still have panic attacks when someone does similar things to me. Yes, it sticks in my craw that he got away with it. But as the Bard said, 'What is done is done, and it cannot be undone'.

I really, truly wish I'd hadn't let life get in the way & that I'd prosecuted him whilst I could. If this is something that's important to you, I'd urge you to do it as soon as you can. I don't doubt it's a painful process, but closure is so good for the soul and I deeply regret not getting mine.

Quote from: Angela Drakken on January 16, 2017, 04:47:06 AM
I still fear a good defense lawyer can somehow make it my fault because of whats between my legs..)

I doubt that'd be easy for them to achieve, particularly if you were younger than her at the time. Especially if you were pre-pubescent and she was in her teens. Female predators do exist and the courts are getting better at prosecuting them. Plus, think of this: if she's popping out kids & was able to do horrible things to you, what is she doing to those kids? Even if you couldn't get help you needed at the time, could your speaking out now help them instead?

Quote from: FTMDiaries on January 16, 2017, 06:45:00 AM
I doubt that'd be easy for them to achieve, particularly if you were younger than her at the time. Especially if you were pre-pubescent and she was in her teens. Female predators do exist and the courts are getting better at prosecuting them. Plus, think of this: if she's popping out kids & was able to do horrible things to you, what is she doing to those kids? Even if you couldn't get help you needed at the time, could your speaking out now help them instead?

I was 6 when it started. She was 11 or 12 and it continued until I was 11. I guess when she got to highschool and became a cool teenager ahe got tired of her childhood toys and discarded them. She would even go so far as tell me I'd get beaten up constantly in highschool (likely by her new 'boyfriends'), if I lived that long, because I have and 'attitude problem.' Gee I wonder why, lady!

Honestly part of me hopes her children feel what Ive felt. (Even if not by her own hand.) As a parent she may finaly understand how what shes done to someone elses child can be so wrong.

This probably makes me a heartless bitch.

Quote from: Angela Drakken on January 16, 2017, 07:20:00 AM
I was 6 when it started. She was 11 or 12 and it continued until I was 11. I guess when she got to highschool and became a cool teenager ahe got tired of her childhood toys and discarded them. She would even go so far as tell me I'd get beaten up constantly in highschool (likely by her new 'boyfriends'), if I lived that long, because I have and 'attitude problem.' Gee I wonder why, lady!

Honestly part of me hopes her children feel what Ive felt. (Even if not by her own hand.) As a parent she may finaly understand how what shes done to someone elses child can be so wrong.

This probably makes me a heartless bitch.

No it doesn't make you a heartless bitch.  It just demonstrates how hurt you are from this.  I would worry if this lady has kids.  I don't think people like this can just turn off this sort of abusive behavior.  I wonder if there are others that she has also abused.   Perhaps it wasn't her growing out of it, perhaps you got too old for her tastes and she found somebody younger.

I would also doubt if she would care that much about her own children.  Seems to me that she lacks any empathy.  She's probably a narcissist.  I also wonder if she was abused as a child.   

From what you said, it sounds like she was 16 or 17 when she stopped abusing you.  I'm not sure what the courts would do considering she was basically a minor too.

I definitely think you need to discuss this with your therapist.

Take care of yourself.
Paige :)

Quote from: Angela Drakken on January 16, 2017, 07:20:00 AM
I was 6 when it started. She was 11 or 12 and it continued until I was 11.

I'm so sorry. But that does go in your favour, legally speaking. There isn't a defense lawyer in the Western world who'd be able to successfully argue that a 6-year-old could be responsible for what happened, no matter what was between your legs! The age of criminal responsibility in Canada is (I believe) 12... so you were under that age the entire time, and she was over that age for most if not all of it! She doesn't have a leg to stand on.

As Paige said, it does sound like she committed her crimes as a minor if she stopped harming you when she was about 17. You could probably still have her prosecuted for everything she did from the age of 12 and upwards, but her punishment might be lighter due to her age at the time. Still, why not look in your local area for criminal lawyers who do a free first consultation and ask them what they think?

Quote from: Angela Drakken on January 16, 2017, 07:20:00 AM
This probably makes me a heartless bitch.

There's only one heartless bitch in this story, and she's the one who doesn't even realise she narrowly avoided being run over recently.

Quote from: FTMDiaries on January 16, 2017, 11:12:30 AM
There's only one heartless bitch in this story, and she's the one who doesn't even realise she narrowly avoided being run over recently.

Thats one way of looking at it, thanks. Yeah, I think I'll have to discuss it with somebody soon.. Another time I saw her on a train many years ago and missed a job interview because I just couldn't be on the same train.. [emoji24]