Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Hello, I very recently came out to my family as NB AND that I'm taking T. To my family, especially my dad, this seems counter intuitive. "How do you not identify with men or woman but want to look like a guy?" I tried explaining it on a 1-10 scale of how masc do I feel and that kinda helped but I just don't feel like I have the right words to explain it to some of my friends and family.
I use they/them pronouns and my given name is pretty neutral but I want a masc body. How do I very effectively explain NB to folks who aren't so read up on their queer theory?

Any chance they can just accept it without understanding it?

My parents don't understand being transgender, even when I'm binary. But they are supportive and empathetic. Perhaps that's what you should go for instead of total understanding.

None of them are coming from a place of bigotry but more from a purely all being white, cis and straight people never really interacting with the queer community all that much. I literally just have to educate them and I'm finding that difficult to do without having to BREAK. IT. DOWN. for them. I don't want to have to start from the top of queer theory and work my way down to get them to understand gender is fluid and that I can present as one thing but feel another.
I'm just hoping there are some lines that I can drop or an example scenario that really drives my point home? 

IME, it's more real to people when you explain how you feel, how this affects you, how you hope transition will improve your life, what your concerns are, etc. Not lines or facts.

I describe myself as part man, part woman. I'm not male, but not female either. Exotic hybrid seems to fit.  :)

Hugs, Devlyn

Quote from: FTMax on January 18, 2017, 10:55:42 AM
IME, it's more real to people when you explain how you feel, how this affects you, how you hope transition will improve your life, what your concerns are, etc. Not lines or facts.

Exactly this. What could also help is saying to your dad for example what if you woke up one day; looked exactly as you always did in the mirror but everyone kept referring to you as female or kept using they/they pronouns for you; wouldn't that make you uncomfortable.

Another way to explain it I guess would be saying some cis people feel more comfortable in a fem looking body (men and women who like looking slender and having no body hair and maybe wearing makeup) and there are some cis people who feel more comfortable in a masculine looking body (men and women who weight train or like to keep their body hair or like to have their hair short). But they still identify with their assigned gender; simply are more comfortable in a body that traditionally is reserved only for people who are the opposite gender to them. Not sure if that makes sense.

You could also look at the non binary network blog on tumblr; they also have a youtube channel which they post and make videos about all things nb. There's also beyond the binary uk which is an online magazine with articles about various nb experiences.

Quote from: Elis on January 18, 2017, 12:04:19 PM
Exactly this. What could also help is saying to your dad for example what if you woke up one day; looked exactly as you always did in the mirror but everyone kept referring to you as female or kept using they/they pronouns for you; wouldn't that make you uncomfortable.

Another way to explain it I guess would be saying some cis people feel more comfortable in a fem looking body (men and women who like looking slender and having no body hair and maybe wearing makeup) and there are some cis people who feel more comfortable in a masculine looking body (men and women who weight train or like to keep their body hair or like to have their hair short). But they still identify with their assigned gender; simply are more comfortable in a body that traditionally is reserved only for people who are the opposite gender to them. Not sure if that makes sense.

You could also look at the non binary network blog on tumblr; they also have a youtube channel which they post and make videos about all things nb. There's also beyond the binary uk which is an online magazine with articles about various nb experiences.

The thing about using things like wanting to be slender or buff or hair free is that I would be afraid I'm undermining my cause by comparing it too lifestyle preferences not actually being something.

This has been a pain for myself and my oldest child (who is also non-binary). We do have to repeatedly explain it to my parents who still struggle to fully grasp it.  A couple things that have been helpful for me:

1. I try affirm for them that it's ok not to understand. I try to avoid making them feel they have to walk on egg shells by correcting everything they say that is "wrong" or "potentially offensive".

2. Related to #1, I also try to keep in mind their perspective.  They're in their 60's and 70's and have an entire life in which they never really were exposed to gender identity the way we are today.  Gender has always been a binary thing for them and after 60+ years, that's a lot of unlearning to do. So again, I try to be affirming and understanding of their struggles and I accept they may never totally "get it".

3. I try to focus on how it feels for me.  Rather than try to explain the concept of non-binary, I focus on what they really want to know, what is it that I'm feeling. I explained to my mother how there are days where I feel like I should have been born with a female body and that there are other days that I just feel like I'm somewhere in between. I hate to say it but I do use examples from contemporary culture to compare and contrast my experience, people like Caitlyn Jenner, Laverne Cox, and Carmen Carrera. These are people they see and understand so it allows me to set some context that they can associate with to some degree.

For Christmas, my oldest bought my mother a book called Gender Identity for Beginners.  It was a book they used in her gender studies class at school and she hoped it would help my mother better understand.  I'm waiting to hear how that was received.  If my mom understood her desire to help or if she's offended and feels that my child was being a smartass.

Quote from: kings joker on January 18, 2017, 01:37:21 PM
The thing about using things like wanting to be slender or buff or hair free is that I would be afraid I'm undermining my cause by comparing it too lifestyle preferences not actually being something.

Hmmm perhaps. You could follow it up by saying that some cis people feel very uncomfortable if they're made to look masculine if that's simply not how they naturally feel; same with people made to look fem. At least that's how I experience being nb.

I hope that the youtube channel and magazine will at keast be somewhat useful.

I would explain the gender dysphoria using more basic bodily autonomy.  Like when you have an itch or know you're getting a fever; your body just tells you when something is wrong, and it's like that.  For the social aspect, I would perhaps point out to a father that he feels uncomfortable when someone calls him princess or says that he throws like a girl.  And hopefully it's not because he's super misogynist, but just because it does not match his gender.  When someone refers to us based solely on our biological sex, it is very similar.  I think most people could understand that much.  If they understood perfectly 100%, it would probably mean they're trans* but empathizing and caring about you is really great, and good on them for doing it! [emoji4]


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Thanks everyone, what I'm hearing is that it's a conversation that can't be over with really quick like a band-aid but will take delicate explanation and time. I've just run into a few encounters where I tried to do the quick and casual way and have been struck with a barrage of questions that I wasn't emotionally in touch enough to answer well.
I will have to keep this in mind for the next few times so I can be emotionally open to having The Talk

My husband, who is MtF but not yet transitioning (still using male pronouns), cannot understand how I can be considering testosterone and metoidioplasty (simple release only), but still want to be called "she/her." So even within the trans community, being non-binary confuses people. The mix of male, female, or agender is different in every one of us, and trying to come up with a single explanation is nearly impossible.

Maybe try the mosaic - for these parts I feel feminine, for these I feel masculine, and the remainder I feel neither masculine or feminine. On balance, there is more masculine than feminine, and I am transitioning to reflect that - I'd get a good list of examples together to help, and I'm not sure if my explanation makes any sense at all...

[hugs]

Rowan

Quote from: Sno on January 19, 2017, 04:33:22 AM
Maybe try the mosaic - for these parts I feel feminine, for these I feel masculine, and the remainder I feel neither masculine or feminine. On balance, there is more masculine than feminine, and I am transitioning to reflect that - I'd get a good list of examples together to help, and I'm not sure if my explanation makes any sense at all...

[hugs]

Rowan

No this "mosaic" actually makes sense. Thank you, its kinda what I was looking for. I'll just have to think of some good examples now.

Maybe this is a "show, don't tell" scenario. Before I had a better understanding of nonbinary gender identities, I started going to a support group full of people who had already transitioned and were living the lifestyle they wanted. Maybe taking your family to such a group would be helpful? Then instead of having to think about everything and consider the words you give them, they could see with their own eyes that gender doesn't have to fit into a strict binary.

Sorry if that doesn't help--it was just a spur of the moment idea. (I may have solved my own similar problem by accident, though...)