Susan's Place Transgender Resources

I've been out as "gay" for almost 10 years now and one of the hardest things for me at the moment is to try to think of myself as straight. It was one of the few things I was comfortable with myself about and now I'm losing what has always been a big part of my identity.

I'm trying to just use 'gay' as an umbrella term to cover all of LGBTI+ in my mind but it still doesn't feel right. Is this an issue common with people and is there anything that helps adjust to the change?

It was weird for me at first, but I think only from a community sense. I identified as a lesbian to the world from age 12 to 25, though I knew I was trans and wanted to transition at 17. I helped start a GSA in high school. I was a member of Pride Alliance in college and grad school. The majority of my friends are either in the LGBTQ community or are allies. I had been out and gay for more than half of my life by the time I transitioned.

Now. My experience may be different, but at least here the lesbian community was very insular. Everybody knows everybody or at least has the ability to play lesbian phone tree and introduce you to whoever you want to know. It was also very inclusive - no matter how you presented or what you looked like, you were welcome and had a good chance of finding a partner. So the most difficult part was giving this up, knowing that on the flip side the community is smaller, it may be more difficult to get a date, etc.

But it was honest. I think one of the biggest motivators in my transition was the need for honesty. At the time I transitioned, I had known I was trans and that I wanted to transition for about 8 years. That was 8 years worth of not being 100% honest with my friends, family, and the revolving door of significant others that I had during that time. I was not a lesbian. I was a straight, transgender man.

So it was weird to come out and sort of immediately feel like I am not a part of that smaller segment of the LGBTQ community, especially given that there's no real community based around being straight. But I also found that I had less of a need to be a part of a community. I didn't run from the lesbian community to the trans community. I may hang out online in my free time, chat with folks, and offer transition advice but I don't do that out of a need to feel connected to the community, I do it because folks were willing to do that for me when I first started out.

I guess it helped for me to think about what value I was getting from identifying as a lesbian and what I got out of being a member of that community. If you can identify what it is that you're sad about losing/potentially losing, it is easier to figure out what to replace it with.

Being bisexual I never thought I'd face this problem, but the weird thing is how people change their definitions around you. People have been asking me if I'm gay even though I've been in a relationship with a guy for 10 years, a guy they know and never questioned before... and I'm thinking so now I'm gay in their eyes. Even if you tell people you're bi or they know it already, you still get asked as if to clarify things in their mind, and if it's guy + guy a lot of people just think = gay rather than bi. Not sure if it's because the concept of bisexual isn't accepted or understood well, or whether they think I got involved with someone without wanting to or what in my "old life". But I'm used to it now, it seems more for their benefit than mine that they have to ask. I never considered being bi part of my identity, I never fought with it or had issues with it, so it's weird to me it's a thing of interest to other people what sexuality I am "now".

Growing up I had a lot of on/off issues with labels because influence and issues I had. I don't like typing out all the details but I get where you're coming from and relate a lot. Letting go of labels you grew comfortable with is hard, but it's best to be honest with yourself. Though, I am bisexual so I can't relate word for word.
I wouldn't use gay as an umbrella term for trans and intersex people though. It doesn't make much sense to me.

I've always felt more like a straight man than a lesbian. The Lesbian community was not a good fit for me. Too insular and from my experience too much drama and competition for partners. Waking up one day and saying I'm straight was a long time coming for me. It was hard entering this world of privilege though. I remember the first time I stepped out with a woman as a man. No looks or stares. Except a few because she was white. We were just like everyone else. It was liberating but I did miss that sense of making a political statement just by walking down the street. I've since gotten used to being able to go anywhere and express my interest in a woman I see. Or not having to seek out LGBTQ specific parties or events. Now I feel odd in queer spaces. Like an interloper. In lesbian spaces I feel like I'm violating their right to be amongst just women.

You don't have to say I'm straight. Just say I'm a guy that likes girls.

Part of it is definitely the fear of losing the community and feeling like I don't fit in. I think part of it is also the loss of that feeling when you see some form of representation in the media (in this case obviously girl/girl couples etc) like not just that there's less FTMs in media but also that I feel like I'm intruding on enjoying queer women being shown.

I too have this fear. I've really grown attached to my Boi identity and haven't latched onto being trans. I'm really mourning my loss of feeling apart of the lesbian community and lesbian geared blogs, articles, events, products etc. I'm also really concerned about passing as cis because I want to be recognized as queer amongst those who don't know me. I find such safety and enjoyment in seeing queer folks out in the streets and I want to keep contributing to that. However, I would also like to pass in Mens bathrooms. Becoming more masculine with T has really got my pros and cons list all confused.

Yeah I'll definitely miss being obviously queer out in public, especially with how many clothes I own with rainbows all over them but again, identifying as a straight male will make me feel like I'm intruding in a community I'm technically not part of anymore. Recently I've started wearing blue, white, and pink harties on my wrist but that's nowhere near as obvious as rainbows.