Susan's Place Transgender Resources

So my mother-in-law and my wife's step father are coming to visit this weekend. We've talked about it briefly and I think I'm ready to come out to them. I haven't told any family other than my wife yet, and I don't plan on coming out toy own parents or siblings until shortly before I'm ready to legally change my name and begin full-time. I've told a few close friends and even come out to my boss at work and all were positive experiences. I have no reason to believe this will be different other than initial shock, we know they will be the most accepting put of either of our parents. But I'm feeling a lot of anxiety about the idea of telling them. Am I really ready? Does anyone have any advice for coming out to extended family?

Secrets, for some people, are hard to keep.  A simple slip of the tongue or even blatant telling someone is bound to happen.  HOWEVER - I'm a FIRM believer that the truth will set you free.  I'm telling everyone I can find before I go full-time. I don't want to put them or me or anyone else in a situation where something could go very wrong.

For me, telling people in Dan mode gives them a chance to process it before Denise shows up.

So for me - I would tell them and your family too as soon as possible.  BUT if you want to surprise everyone right before the big changes, you might want to wait and tell everyone at one time (or close).  I would be upset if my child told the in-laws WAY before telling me, for example.

Quote from: Denise on February 07, 2017, 01:43:42 PM
Secrets, for some people, are hard to keep.  A simple slip of the tongue or even blatant telling someone is bound to happen.  HOWEVER - I'm a FIRM believer that the truth will set you free.  I'm telling everyone I can find before I go full-time. I don't want to put them or me or anyone else in a situation where something could go very wrong.

For me, telling people in Dan mode gives them a chance to process it before Denise shows up.

So for me - I would tell them and your family too as soon as possible.  BUT if you want to surprise everyone right before the big changes, you might want to wait and tell everyone at one time (or close).  I would be upset if my child told the in-laws WAY before telling me, for example.

As far as being honest and open with people goes, I'm definitely feeling that. I initially thought I would wait to tell everyone when I first started therapy 2 months ago and within a couple weeks I had told my closest friends, within a month I was out to my immediate supervisor & the head of HR at work. I think you're right, it's for the best to let people know early so they can adapt and adjust. I'm definitely worried that word might spread before I'm ready for more than my support system to know.

As far as my own family goes, I know my siblings will be accepting, or at the very least, indifferent, but my parents are staunch conservatives. My mother has on multiple occasions voiced her opinion that transwomen who use women's bathrooms are just perverts.  My relationship with my parents isn't great to begin with and I wouldn't be surprised it they disown me. We currently rent a house they own, so before I come out to them I want to move into our own place. We've just been waiting for my wife to finish graduate school/internship this coming June. On top of that, I expect the same reaction from my grandparents who might even go so far as to remove me from their will. My family, particularly my mother, has a history of issuing ultimatums and flat out refusing any reality they disagree with. Part of the reason I don't want them knowing is that I don't want to hear months of "you're not transgender" or threats against my present living situation. I also have this idea in my head that if I haven't made tangible progress before telling the world, I won't be taken seriously.

Here's an approach I've never tried - Did you see the National Geographic special last night?  It's being repeated at 9:00 America-Eastern Friday night (02:00 utc Saturday).  Maybe a subtle (?) hint to watch it might be worth an effort.

Now there's an idea I'll have to entertain! I haven't seen anything about a special but I would assume it had to do with the gender issue they released back around the new year? I have that one sitting on my counter at home but haven't had time to read through it myself.

Look in the transgender talk forum.  There's a thread about it.

These "coming out" talks are always emotional for me so before I let them know what the discussion is about I always preface with ..... "if this gets emotional, I want you to know that everyone in the family is happy and healthy and we are in a really great place".   The reason for this is simple, if I choke up (which always happens) I don't want them to think someone has died or is sick.  Also, since this is your wife's family, you may want to add something about the expected outcome (hopefully positive) of your relationship.  Secondly, I've found that it's been important for me to first explain that this has been a lifelong struggle, not because of a trend or whim.  Then it's " I'm transgender" ....I then go from there about transition plans and if they need any general education.....sexuality vs gender identify has always been something that is misunderstood.  The overwhelming first reaction I've received has been of sympathy ...that I've had to live with this bottled up for so long....after that it's been total support.

Quote from: staciM on February 07, 2017, 10:38:35 PM
These "coming out" talks are always emotional for me so before I let them know what the discussion is about I always preface with ..... "if this gets emotional, I want you to know that everyone in the family is happy and healthy and we are in a really great place".   The reason for this is simple, if I choke up (which always happens) I don't want them to think someone has died or is sick.  Also, since this is your wife's family, you may want to add something about the expected outcome (hopefully positive) of your relationship.  Secondly, I've found that it's been important for me to first explain that this has been a lifelong struggle, not because of a trend or whim.  Then it's " I'm transgender" ....I then go from there about transition plans and if they need any general education.....sexuality vs gender identify has always been something that is misunderstood.  The overwhelming first reaction I've received has been of sympathy ...that I've had to live with this bottled up for so long....after that it's been total support.

Thanks Staci! That's the basic format I would like to follow and similar to how I told my.l boss, except I prefaced it with "I want to say that I like my job, and co-workers, for as long as I'm considered a valuable employee, and as long as I'm wanted here, I have no intention of leaving the company," but I haven't really been able to put down exactly what I should cover or say with family. This helps a ton!

If you are telling your SO's parents, their immediate concern will be her welfare. It will be important to reassure them that she is good, sticking with you, and her feelings  are being respected. Parents don't like their child hurt. It may even be something you want to say up front.
I have always tried to lead up to any announcement like, "I am trans" with a bit of setup in the form of my history. This included, for me, the pain involved with dealing with this issue. Once they hear the announcement they will probably hear nothing else after. I found it helpful to tell them the choice being faced. "I can continue on my current path and be absolutely miserable, or I can make a very scary change that will give me the chance to be happy." Saying that shows that this is life and death for you, not some whim. I don't know if any of this is useful to you but I have had good feedback from my coming out. I don't know about your history, but I had in my mind (when I told someone) that no one fought against this change happening more than me (I hid it over 50 years). I kinda felt like, "You, person who I am telling, You want to be resistant or negative. You have nothing on the feelings I have had in my past. Get over it."
Good luck, Rambler!
Moni

Quote from: HappyMoni on February 08, 2017, 04:09:55 PM
If you are telling your SO's parents, their immediate concern will be her welfare. It will be important to reassure them that she is good, sticking with you, and her feelings  are being respected. Parents don't like their child hurt. It may even be something you want to say up front.
I have always tried to lead up to any announcement like, "I am trans" with a bit of setup in the form of my history. This included, for me, the pain involved with dealing with this issue. Once they hear the announcement they will probably hear nothing else after. I found it helpful to tell them the choice being faced. "I can continue on my current path and be absolutely miserable, or I can make a very scary change that will give me the chance to be happy." Saying that shows that this is life and death for you, not some whim. I don't know if any of this is useful to you but I have had good feedback from my coming out. I don't know about your history, but I had in my mind (when I told someone) that no one fought against this change happening more than me (I hid it over 50 years). I kinda felt like, "You, person who I am telling, You want to be resistant or negative. You have nothing on the feelings I have had in my past. Get over it."
Good luck, Rambler!
Moni

Thanks, Moni!

A big concern of mine is making sure they understand my wife and I have every intention of staying together, so that input definitely helps and one of my worries is that they won't hear anything beyond the phrase 'I'm transgender,' so I think you and Staci are right that I should work a preface into the conversation. I'm on the fence about discussing my own reasons for transition and my history, misery, or dysphoria because I don't want to unload on them and I've always been fairly private about personal details, but you're probably right that it will only help them to get where I'm coming from.

Interestingly enough, I seem to have been the one fighting against the change the hardest, too. When I came out to my wife in tears it was a shock to her but she took it well and understood that I was really struggling. My friends who have been made privy have been nothing but happy for me as well. So I guess I just need to tackle this next obstacle in stride and have confidence that everything will work out.

Quote from: Rambler on February 08, 2017, 04:47:39 PM

Thanks, Moni!

A big concern of mine is making sure they understand my wife and I have every intention of staying together, so that input definitely helps and one of my worries is that they won't hear anything beyond the phrase 'I'm transgender,' so I think you and Staci are right that I should work a preface into the conversation. I'm on the fence about discussing my own reasons for transition and my history, misery, or dysphoria because I don't want to unload on them and I've always been fairly private about personal details, but you're probably right that it will only help them to get where I'm coming from.

Interestingly enough, I seem to have been the one fighting against the change the hardest, too. When I came out to my wife in tears it was a shock to her but she took it well and understood that I was really struggling. My friends who have been made privy have been nothing but happy for me as well. So I guess I just need to tackle this next obstacle in stride and have confidence that everything will work out.

Rambler,
   Putting your story out makes you vulnerable. You take a risk that you will be hurt more by a negative reaction. I thought of it this way. If someone is going to reject me, it will be on the basis that they have heard my side, gotten  a glimpse of 'the why' of this announcement. They will not reject me over a misapprehension or misinformation coming from me. I really knew where I stood with  them from then on. Also, another thought. If you are transitioning, you will soon find you have to let go of a lot of walls that the old you uses. Make sure you don't say you are protecting them from your truth if you really mean protecting yourself. Get used to being vulnerable.
   You said you are fighting against the change the hardest. I can relate. My SO accepted me over thirty years ago. I fought the change up until 2 years ago. We get in our own way sometimes, for sure! It is so good to let it go, let the change wash over you. Accept the real you.
   My thoughts only.
Moni

Quote from: HappyMoni on February 08, 2017, 06:06:43 PM
Rambler,
   Putting your story out makes you vulnerable. You take a risk that you will be hurt more by a negative reaction. I thought of it this way. If someone is going to reject me, it will be on the basis that they have heard my side, gotten  a glimpse of 'the why' of this announcement. They will not reject me over a misapprehension or misinformation coming from me. I really knew where I stood with  them from then on. Also, another thought. If you are transitioning, you will soon find you have to let go of a lot of walls that the old you uses. Make sure you don't say you are protecting them from your truth if you really mean protecting yourself. Get used to being vulnerable.
   You said you are fighting against the change the hardest. I can relate. My SO accepted me over thirty years ago. I fought the change up until 2 years ago. We get in our own way sometimes, for sure! It is so good to let it go, let the change wash over you. Accept the real you.
   My thoughts only.
Moni

It helps looking at telling my story from that perspective instead of just going about it thinking that I don't have to justify being transgender to anyone. It's amazing how simply reframing the way you approach something can let you understand it better. Reframing the way I approached the question of whether or not I was transgender was when I stopped asking "could I be trans?" And started asking "Am I cis?" The day I changed the way I asked that question rocked me to my core.
Believe me, I've already figured out a thing or two about feeling vulnerable and letting go of the barriers I've been putting up around myself. Throughout the process of coming to acceptance and working on transition so far, I can't tell you how many times I've said to myself "Get over yourself!" I definitely was the one fighting against the change at first, but that's certainly not the case now. I was carrying a lot of guilt over putting my SO through this and it took quite a lot of insistence from her that she wasn't going anywhere, and a lot of accepting on my part that if I took that guilt out of the equation, there was no doubt in my mind that I wouldn't jump right into transition. From that point on, I've been all hands on deck with this.

Rambler,
   I see it as having to continually adjust. I will be dropping barriers in the coming years that I am not even aware that I have now. I learned a lot by talking to more experienced ladies on this site. People like Inarasarah, Sophia Sage, and Misgendered (Missy) and others helped me with a little perspective. Missy really put it out there that there is no way to understand at your stage or mine, the things that  will open up and that we will live. She made the adventure very hopeful in my mind. The advice that the big sisters on this site give is so valuable. I am so grateful.
   As far as guilt goes, I see the relationship as a partnership. You go through it together when you love each other. You deal with the negatives she brings and vice versa. It has been a big positive for my partner. She would kill me if I had any thought of detransitioning. There are a lot positives for her happiness. I know this because we have been committed to total honesty in all things transition. I can say I have no guilt about putting her through anything.
Moni

Quote from: HappyMoni on February 09, 2017, 07:36:00 PM
Rambler,
   I see it as having to continually adjust. I will be dropping barriers in the coming years that I am not even aware that I have now. I learned a lot by talking to more experienced ladies on this site. People like Inarasarah, Sophia Sage, and Misgendered (Missy) and others helped me with a little perspective. Missy really put it out there that there is no way to understand at your stage or mine, the things that  will open up and that we will live. She made the adventure very hopeful in my mind. The advice that the big sisters on this site give is so valuable. I am so grateful.
   As far as guilt goes, I see the relationship as a partnership. You go through it together when you love each other. You deal with the negatives she brings and vice versa. It has been a big positive for my partner. She would kill me if I had any thought of detransitioning. There are a lot positives for her happiness. I know this because we have been committed to total honesty in all things transition. I can say I have no guilt about putting her through anything.
Moni

Thanks, Moni. Your input has really helped. And don't pretend that you aren't one of those big sisters to some members on thisnsite. In my couple of months here, I've seen you chime in with some really thoughtful and heartfelt advice.