Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Ugh, I think the first few times we go outside as our true elves are probably the most brutal moments we face. Although it was only the second time putting on makeup and stuff, I was insanely courageous. Me and my other half had a lot of shopping we wanted to do before we got hit with a blizzard. So, me being me, I decided to go all out, makeup and all. Sadly, since it was cold, I had to wear my big military jacked and jeans over my leggings which put a big twist on my image.

Even in public I find I was pretty good. Normally when I either dress up or put makeup on, I'll hide my face, bite my jacket, whatever I can do to hide myself and limit any ones guessing as to what my gender is (try to force a female image as best as possible). This time was much different, I was holding my head up high and didn't care what people were thinking. Even with anxiety, I didn't feel as if people were constantly watching and judging me.

All went well until we hit a new jersey store that opened up (as in popular sports jerseys). Since it was relatively new, not many people go in, if anyone goes in at all. There was two male employees working that night and I actually felt bad for them by the end of the night. What happened was, we had to wait for the bus to get to the mall for us to leave, as we passed in front of the shop, I overheard one of them ask "Is that a girl or...?". Normally I'd be bright red and annoyed, emotional, the works. Sadly, they got to me. I thought my night would have been ruined as my mood slowly drifted back into depression. The fact that we couldn't find me a pair of boots didn't help (I'm like a size 13 in women's, we found like maybe one store that came even remotely close).

After guessing we'd either have to have the custom made, or order online, we decided to head to the bus stop because that's how we get around. So of course, we pass in front of the store. The same two guys were still standing there, talking to each other. What happened next might be the best moment anyone stood up for me. The best part is, it only took one look. My other half is very special with a hatred for anything that makes another life form (animals and humans) feel any less than what they are. Naturally we both wanted to be violent and negative, as we both much prefer spending as little time with others as possible. I never got to see their reactions, nor did I hear anything, but all I know is that I was actually proud to be who I was at that moment, despite their rude comments. Even after being questioned out loud in public in front of others, I did feel bad. I felt terrible and downright miserable to just be me, but then it all changed after we walked by them the second time. Normally my emotions stay negative and pull me down for days, but yesterday was special. I actually felt proud to be me. I've never felt so much confidence in myself before.

One thing I discovered that night was that my boyfriend and I live in a really good city. We went from store to store and every time we were greeted as anyone else was. Some people just flat out thought that I was a girl, which was the goal we were trying to reach. The best part was that it was both males and females that thought that. I was totally stunned with all the events and discoveries that took place last night.

I guess the point of this is to say that yeah, you'll find people that will discourage you, whether they mean to or not. It's almost impossible to avoid them, but that doesn't mean everyone is like that. It feels great to be in a city that doesn't judge you. I agree that just telling someone to cheer up is harder than it sounds, but when you find moments worth being happy about, try to just focus on the positives around you. For my third night out as a woman, I feel I was blessed with that experience. The fact that I haven't done anything to help my transition medically yet, gives me high hopes for the outcome I will come to face. Hope this helps someone out there :)

Rachel

Rachel,

    I'm proud and excited for you.  I remember the EXACT same emotions about being questioned/spotted/clocked.  I found the next step after acceptance of other's ignorance is to turn it around on to be their issue, not mine.

    I went into a liquor store the other day wearing heals, tight jeans, a peacoat, purse, tight top (no hiding the girls with that top), a necklace and bracelets that jingled - the OLD guy (owner?) "sir this and sir that..." (my sister thought it was funny too).  Three months ago, I would have left without buying anything in a huff - now I just quietly laugh to myself about them and think "you're an idiot!" 

    It's people I'll never see again and really I don't care.  BUT it's taken me a while to get there.  Sounds like you are will on your way too.  Have fun with it, no sense in getting your panties in a bunch - what does that get you?

- DeeDee

   Way to go Girl!! It's those positive experiences that pave the way for us who follow.
Thank you for sharing

  Hugs,
  Jeanette

Congratulations on working the courage to venture out and standing tall against adversity. I dress for my counseling sessions and voice lessons, wig and all while I work on my hair, and I think I'm my biggest critic right now. I make a habit of hitting the store afterward, sometimes to look for clothes and others it's just to the drug store or running a quick errand. I've definitely gotten a couple looks, especially when I talk because my voice is anything but natural, but I haven't had anyone openly question me like that yet. I'm sure time will take me down that road, but you should be proud of yourself, girl!

Oh I know what you mean when you say you're your own biggest critic. Although I went out, I left all the talking to my boyfriend since I haven't started anything at all in my transition (well, medically that is) 'cause my voice is really deep. It's my biggest problem right now, besides, well, you know. Considering I'm a very negative and angry person, I was quite impressed with how I didn't cry or flip out. I agree with the whole why bother getting overwhelmed with them. It'll hurt me in the end a lot more than it will them. I think I made a good choice in avoiding a conflict with them and left them be. What excites me about the experience too is that I really haven't changed anything physically with my body, for them to question me at this stage is more of a positive for me. If anything, I'm lad I went through it to prove that hey, times may be tough right now, but if they're second guessing themselves already, I'm just that much closer to passing. :)

Another bit of input I've got for you as you get closer to transition is to try to approach all things transition related as objectively as possible. I've always felt like I had really broad shoulders, a deep awkward voice,  pronounced brow, just to name a few. But when I heard my counselor, general practitioner, and voice coach all telling me the contrary, I was sort of forced to reassess the way I look at myself. The way I clung to that false sense of masculinity for 20 odd years really rooted an image of myself in my head that was just as false as the facade I built up around me.

Dress, act, think as your normal self, a woman. Don't over do it, but use some colors & style, nice nails, nice makeup, nice shoes. Your wardrope is very important....a girl can never have too many shoes, dresses, rings, skirts......Just enjoy being your self a woman!!! Be proud.