Susan's Place Transgender Resources

My last session with my therapist helped me realise that I need to do more work on self acceptance . This is borne out by the way I have been feeling and a number of things that have happened over the last few months. I think she is right and there is a myriad of stuff out there on self acceptance, but I wanted to narrow it down to our community and what helped us.

To the point of this post; what is working or worked for you, to help with self acceptance? Was it a book or film, a piece of advice, something you did on physical level each day or something completely different?

I would appreciate any input on the subject

Liz

Do you love yourself? Can you look into your own eyes, say it and mean it?

Hugs, Devlyn

Ahhhh A Self Acceptance "How-To"

After 8 years into taking on the Trans-Beast, for real, I can tell you it takes a lot of constant work to fight off a lifetime (50-60 years) of Shame, Guilt and Internalized Transphobia, made all the more complicated when there other..... annoyances(?) in your life like a wife & family. Just as you aren't on a constant positive slope, neither are they.

Early on I read a ton of various self help books. Some got tossed aside after a quick skim. Others really spoke to me. I cannot say any one book aside from Richard Bach's "Illusions" has done more for self acceptance and helping me take full "ownership" of being trans. Still, in a perfect world I sure wish I NEVER was. It is what it is.

There will be OK days. There will be not so OK days, and there will be very BAD days. Likely everyone on this planet wishes their lives were something different/better. Nature of the beast. What counts is knowing you are always in some way headed in the direction you want to go.

My whole experience in AA was very positive in regard to self-acceptance.

i.e. Serenity prayer. 

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Also, step 1. Admitting one's powerlessness has everything to do with self-acceptance.  It's a pretty important step. There's a reason it's the first one.

Self acceptance is something that has come easier to me than I expected it would. My first counseling session I spent the hour lamenting about not wanting to be transgender, wishing I could just be happy as I was, and listing off all of the different alternatives that I would have rather explained what was going on (OCD, schizophrenia, multiple personalities, depression just to name a few) But even as I said those things, I knew none of them had any explanation to offer as to why I had questioned my gender so heavily.

What really helped me was sitting down with a pen and paper and putting my thoughts and feelings on paper. One of the first thing GS I did after that initial session was try to reconcile between the things in my life I felt that I wanted, needed, and did not want. As I got along, that "being happy as I am" popped up as a want, as well as a host of other things both trans related and non. But at the end of the day, I found my wants and needs coming full circle, except for one detail. "As I am,". As I realized that the lists I wrote were the same, except for that one little detail, I realized that being happy was what was important, and as I was, I wasn't happy. Why did I need to cling onto that? Why can't I work to be the best me possible, even if that meant I would live the rest of my life as a woman? In that moment, "as I am," faded away and I was left with a surreal knowing of who I am. Sure, coming to terms with that took longer, I likely still haven't fully accepted it and I'm sure there will be hard day's to come, just as there were hard weeks immediately following that revelation. But I have no doubts as to who I am now, and the only way I'm moving is forward. I couldn't be happier about that.

For me Self Acceptance came after two events:
1) A discussion with my wife where I realized (I finally got what made me/us different).  Cis gender people never thing about their gender - they just are.  I've thought about it every day for 50+ years.
2) I realized I really didn't have a choice.  NOT transitioning was not an option.  (Read some of my posts from Sep/Oct 2016)

These questions/answers are what allow me to continue.
Am I happy I'm trans?  NO.
Do I have a choice?  NO.
Am I accepting these changes? Yes.
Am I looking forward to the changes?  Most YES, some not-so-much.
Ultimately will I like myself better as Denise than Dan?  So far - Yes.

It also helps that EVERYONE (Okay maybe not my wife) was excited for me.  So I have support.  If I get really down I know I can hit anyone on the contact list and they will help me out.  I never knew I had so many real friends.  (that helps too)

Each of us have to come up with their own "happy place" or "Zen Den" (A mental place to put negative thoughts our of mind.)  I've keep coming back to - THIS IS NOT A CHOICE and DON'T JUDGE  YOURSELF.

But that's me.

I posted this before so if you read it, sorry. I found it very helpful to journal in a very specific way. I wrote from the perspective of two different people. Back then it was my male and female sides. It could be your accepting and non-accepting sides in your case. I gave each side a chance to express how they saw the world, trying (at first)  not to mix the two. It was actually very revealing. Each side gave their best argument for themselves. After a while what emerged in my case was my truth. The female side was so dominant and the male side had such a weak argument, he really became only a shadow. He admitted his existence was not necessary as anything other than a memory. Let me be clear, this is two aspects of one personality, not two personalities. This gave me my basis. Self-acceptance is a constant battle if one is in the earlier transition stages. More recently, I constantly remind myself that I am a woman and anything that happens during that day will happen on that foundation. Do I accept 100%? It is not possible at my stage of things. I am doing the best I can with acceptance until my experiences bring me further down the road and I am different, at a more advanced stage.
Hope this helps.
Monica 

This is something I am also currently working on.  It's not easy and I curse it a lot most days.

What I am finding that is working a little for me is differentiating between the story that my family put on me and the story that is my own. As I can identify my own story I can accept a little more of myself.

Is it a cure all? Nope. My therapist just says that as long as I can look just a little longer than before then that's progress. Just putting one foot in front of the other.

Sent from my XT1254 using Tapatalk

Oh good, so many thoughtful and experienced voices to be heard here.  So much does seem to be internalized voices in conflict.  Those tired old feelings of shame and guilt struggling mightily with our better angels of knowledge and truth.

The truth is that there is absolutely nothing wrong with being transgender.  Diversity is normal and even needed for human survival. 

I guess it can be like the kid who hears positive advice or even a compliment from a parent and rejects it out of hand but, if a peer or authority figure says the same thing bingo, they believe it.  I needed to hear and repeatedly experience myself as acceptable when telling my once most uncomfortable secret as truth.  It was helpful for me to hear from objective professional people (therapists) and other experienced transgender people in real time and in print that it is simply OK to be yourself and a transgender person, whatever that means.  Loving ourselves with all our warts and imperfections is to value our whole story, not just the glossy cover of our book.

I felt so wrong for so long it took time and still needs reinforcement.  I was also so very afraid.  Yes, telling the truth means we own it all.  We are born this way and this vastly diverse world of people is a beautiful expression of humanity. 

This thread sent me back along memory lane!

I was a bit of Devlyn and a bit of Monica i think.

I could look into Peter's eyes and I knew there was no love or acceptance of his existence, he just had sorrow and pain.

After starting my transition and of course, bouncing of the wall, being depressed, doubting, can't do it and all the other stuff we pour over ourselves like the saints did with the ashes of the dead to humble themselves and beg for forgiveness - I suddenly remembered that I was a scientist.

Oh that's right I have a trained brain. So I did what all scientists do, I drew up lists. You know how Liz, big piece of paper and a line down the middle. One side had Cindy, the other Peter. I wrote down everything I liked about them and hated about them, I wrote their misery and joys; their expectations and doubts. Where they wanted to be in 1 year, in 5 years in 20 years. What they wanted to accomplish. Why they wanted to die. Why they wanted to live.

I noticed that Peter's side of the pages where full of pretty scary stuff; not a lot of future, a lot of doubt and a lot of pain. In fact not a lot of future at all; and a pst of pain hanging over him.

Cindy was quite different, lots of doubt, lots of excitement and doubt, lots of ambition, excitement and doubt and then I did what Devlyn suggested. I looked into the mirror and asked my eyes do I accept Cindy or Peter.

You know the answer.

[It seems so damn strange typing his name!]

I still have a difficult time accepting it, but two things really gives me a lot of relief:

1.  I did everything I could to not accept it.  I rejected it and waited until I was 26 before actually doing something about it.  I asked my physician if it could be a symptom of anything else and if there was a "cure" for it (I would take it or try that too)...  to my "surprise": No.

2.  My brother came out to me as MTF as well (Sorry, I'm not very sensitive/considerate on pronouns).  We both didn't know about each other in this regard, and although we grew up with each other, we were mostly separated for a few years and began HRT unknowingly to each other around the same time.  It's possible that an event could have affected both of us, but we feel it is more likely biological and it truly is something beyond our control.

My wife has done more for me on accepting Teresa then I ever did on my own. I accepted I was different when I developed like a female during puberty but still kept hidden,most people never knew they were dealing with Teresa not Terry,Terry was the mask I put on everyday of my life and I hated doing it but knew it was necessary for survival. I don't hate Terry but he is wimp and Teresa had to bail him out time and time again and people never go wind of it. In my case I learned to make friends with Terry even If he isn't a happy person to be around and is moody and has psych problems. Teresa on the other hand is a happy go lucky woman and is full of life and fun. This is why I can't kill Terry off for he is the ying of Teresa yang they balance each other and keep each other safe.

So much fantastic advice, thank you all. I have much to do in the way of writing I think.  I accept the reality of my situation in that I know I could not have continued for one second longer than I did, I can't go back (not that I want to) so the only way is forward...Liz is my way forward... it all sounds so easy when I talk about it in these terms. I do have some self acceptance but certainly not as much as I thought...

I have plenty to think about in the mean time, once again I appreciate all your thoughts on this.

One again that you all for your replies...I have plenty to consider.

Liz