Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Well I have been down this road now for a couple of months that I sometimes not always regret transitioning. I get it when seeing old photos of my male life on fb. When I see photos of my child and me when she was younger and I still her male father. I then start to feel guilty.

I go and look at my relationships and how many of them got destroyed for transition. My relationship with my dad my brother that can't accept me. I look at my failed marriage because I am transgender and feel guilty.

Then I take it one step further and guilt gets bad when I feel like I taken my child's father away. That she will never know him and wonder what he was like and how her mom could not stayed with me because I was transgender.

All this I realized is a big depression trigger for me and causes me a lot of grief.

I look at the woman in the mirror and the product that transgender-ism spat out with treatment and all the trauma and pain and feel guilty and ashamed.

Hi Amore,

   Let it be known you are not alone. I too have recently started down this road. I am too new to have the regrets you speak of,  but in my case they are the fears I do have.
  I have yet to come out to family and friends. One of my biggest fears is coming out to my daughter and her husband and by doing so risking my relationship with and access to my 5 grand children. It is a very real possibility. Once I do come out to the I have promised myself that I will fully comply with my daughter's and her husband's decision. I can do no less.

   Hugs,
     Jeanette

Big hug! The good news is that these kids and grandkids are growing up in a world where all the grief and guilt about this is disappearing.  :)

Hugs, Devlyn

Thanks Devlyn

Quote from: Amoré on February 16, 2017, 01:35:29 PM
Well I have been down this road now for a couple of months that I sometimes not always regret transitioning. I get it when seeing old photos of my male life on fb. When I see photos of my child and me when she was younger and I still her male father. I then start to feel guilty.

I go and look at my relationships and how many of them got destroyed for transition. My relationship with my dad my brother that can't accept me. I look at my failed marriage because I am transgender and feel guilty.

Then I take it one step further and guilt gets bad when I feel like I taken my child's father away. That she will never know him and wonder what he was like and how her mom could not stayed with me because I was transgender.

All this I realized is a big depression trigger for me and causes me a lot of grief.

I look at the woman in the mirror and the product that transgender-ism spat out with treatment and all the trauma and pain and feel guilty and ashamed.

Amore,
I have thought about this often lately. Im only a week in on hrt but this is a burden heavy on my heart. Today is my wife and I's 16 wedding anniversary & for the first time in those 16 years we are spending it apart. She is in Tennessee with our son for a mini vacation spending tome with her family.
I too will have to deal with the removal of the male figure in my son's life but he is being replaced with a much happier female parent who knows all about football, comics DC/Marvel, video games and even wrestling.
Put yourself in his/her place for a moment and imagine if your parents were going through this....
Would you have traded a miserable father who transitioned into a happier female which made for a happier life.
I know I would have.
As a child we dont always understand the why's or reasons something happens. We do however notice when a person is happier because it is reflected in the way we are treated.
You may have a failed marriage over this but maybe you can have a better friendship with mutual respect with your former wife. That is my wish.

Sent from my SCH-I535 using Tapatalk

Quote from: Amoré on February 16, 2017, 01:35:29 PM
Well I have been down this road now for a couple of months that I sometimes not always regret transitioning. I get it when seeing old photos of my male life on fb. When I see photos of my child and me when she was younger and I still her male father. I then start to feel guilty.

I go and look at my relationships and how many of them got destroyed for transition. My relationship with my dad my brother that can't accept me. I look at my failed marriage because I am transgender and feel guilty.

Then I take it one step further and guilt gets bad when I feel like I taken my child's father away. That she will never know him and wonder what he was like and how her mom could not stayed with me because I was transgender.

All this I realized is a big depression trigger for me and causes me a lot of grief.

I look at the woman in the mirror and the product that transgender-ism spat out with treatment and all the trauma and pain and feel guilty and ashamed.

I can't speak from personal experience of this, being quite possibly allergic to children. But what I can say is: sweetie, you're still you. You still have everything inside you that makes you the kind, loving, caring parent that you are. That doesn't change because you needed to transition. Outwardly, yes, you may have changed. And maybe some parts of you inside too. But the spark which makes you you is still the same as it ever was. Your heart hasn't changed. The love for your child hasn't changed. The important things which make you a good parent... haven't changed.

Something I ask myself often is: Is it better to embrace a lie, and to allow people to get caught up in that, knowing it isn't the truth... or is it better to follow the truth, and take everything that comes with that? It's a hard thing to deal with. Most people don't transition on a whim, sweetie. It's not something you do when you wake up one morning and think "I know, I feel like a change of gender. Because reasons." It's a long, sometimes grueling process that people do because they need to. Because the anguish they're feeling is impacting both themselves and the people around them, sometimes more than not doing anything ever would. Very often it isn't a choice, it's a necessity. And if something is so imposing and so oppressive that you have no choice but to change it, then you're sparing people from living with the shadow of a person. Of trying to get your attention when you're so focused on yourself and the pain you're feeling. Of needing you to be there but you're so distracted that you can't see beyond it.

Being free to be yourself means being free to be there for others. It's something less to weigh on your mind, leaving more room for thinking about the people close to you. You don't owe anyone a life, sweetie. It's hard to see that sometimes. We think that those closest to us build an image of us that we have to keep going because it's our fault that they have that in the first place. And we have to keep stuck in that facsimile because we made it.

The truth of it is, if we can't see ourselves, then no one else can ever see us. And, for me, that would be a far bigger source of guilt. Perpetuating a lie would make me feel far more guilty than laying it all out there. If I ever had a kid, then knowing they grew up believing in a lie for their whole life... seeing an image as their hero, their rock... that would make me feel terrible. I think... well, for me as a kid, I would rather have another mom who loved me and had the freedom to be there for me, to listen to me and to give me advice with conviction and honesty, than a dad who always seemed too hung up on something inside his own head to listen to me. Who always looked sad, and hurt, and sometimes led me to think it was my fault he was like that.

*extra big hug*

Regrets and guilt, you are not alone.

Sometimes I think when things are going really well I sabotage it with guilt or regret. A friend of mine tells me guilt and regrets are suffering I cause myself because I resist accepting change.

Sometimes I think what my life will be like when my wife moves out and my daughter stays at her place when not at college. I wonder who will want to be with me. Sometimes I think I have felt so bad about myself for so long that I need to feel that way.

I want to start reframing my future and fill it with positive images and thoughts. I think we become our images and thoughts.

Oh honey, the guilt of shaking the foundation of my wife's life and expectation of life can be crushing. That I understand completely. Some things are not really under your control.

My children I do not feel guilty for. For my daughters, having a happy and healthy second mom, is far better than an angry and sometimes suicidal feeling dad. Truth is my involvement with them is no different. I have always been very involved in every part of their lives. There's also the truth that the male me was always just a façade based on what I thought everyone expected me to be. For me the answer of asking " how can I be a real male role model when I do not even seem to really understand how males think" is the key. The answer is I can't be a male role model. Any expectations of men based on me will be far from the truth. Yes I could show them a hard worker who supports their family but I cannot show them how men really behave.

If you are having feelings of regrets and guilt, I suggest you discuss this with your gender identity therapist before you go any further in your transition.

You absolutely MUST have this resolved BEFORE you do any surgery.  Once you do this surgery, it's nearly impossible/impractical to go back, and if you do go back, then it will never be the same as it was before you did the surgery.

I evaluated and researched those with regrets very in depth before I committed to surgery.  One of the big things I saw was the short length of transition for those who regretted their surgeries.  Most were under 2.5 years from the start of transition to surgery. They were in a big hurry.  IMO based on what I've felt, experienced, seen and undergone emotionally, mentally, psychologically, is that you need lots of time to process the magnititude of what you're doing. The ramifications, the positive and negative consequences. 4 years at least. 

For me there's never been any doubts at all, but finances, insurance availability, living situation, college, etc all played in a part in my nearly 5 years of transition (May 14th will be 5 years exactly).  I'm thankful for the hiccups, delays, and unexpected things that popped up, because it gave me time to process everything on every level, and to prepare myself mentally, emotionally, psychologically and spiritually for the surgery I'm about to undergo next week.  I always looked at the first 31 years of my life and they were complete crap.  Angry, worthless, unhappy, miserable, trapped, emotional, confused years...I don't want to go back to that.  Not now, not ever.  Life has been SO MUCH BETTER since the day I started transition. The difference is night and day.

So take your time, seek out guidance and wisdom from others, sort through your feelings with a professional and let it lead you where it may.  Best of luck.

Amore'

   I am in no position to tell you how to feel, and I won't try. I find myself wondering if, in looking back, you think you had more of a choice then you really did. I start thinking about my fifty years of denial and know I transitioned because I had no choice, for my sanity I had to. Do you look back and think it was really a choice that could have been avoided? As far as the adults who have reacted badly, they made a choice. Is it not true that they are responsible for their negativity? I don't know the situation with your child. Are you able to just be you for your child, male, female, whatever? Is that a basis to build a relationship with him/her? I am truly sorry for your pain. The emotions of what you have been through must be so hard to deal with. I hope it will turn for you and you will be able to see things in a more positive light. Sometimes it takes a little time to heal Hon.
Moni

Thank you all for the advice.I can always count on this community to open your mind up to new ideas and reasoning.

Well I don't think I would ever detransition.I find myself in spots in my life where I think how I could have changed the outcome more than anything else to save myself from the pain that I am feeling.The honest truth it was a choice made for my sanity not only because what sort of a unhappy father I would have made but for many more reasons.

What if I stayed male what do I tell my new partner why me and my ex separated? "Ummmmm we broke up because I am transgender and wanted to transition to female and there is a possibility that I might break down again in the future and go down the same road."

That is the reality of it I just decided after struggling for so long that it is time to transition and not repeat the past mistakes while I am getting divorced and being free that it was the right opportunity. That I don't want to set myself up for failure again. Don't want to be a man for someone else but I can't be a man for myself anymore. Who I wanted to be for myself was not a man it was a woman.

A good point was made that I might want to deal with this feelings first before going all the way with grs. The regrets is not that much but the guilt is a lot . I won't detransition but I fear that it might make the guilt worse if I get the surgery soon.

Hi Amore

Just wondering how the self acceptance was going? Many people have guilt where they shouldn't and much of it comes back to self acceptance...if you had full self acceptance(if possible) would you feel so guilty? I know I wouldn't...most of the things I have guilt about are out of my control and things I cannot do anything about anyway.

Just some food for thought

Liz

Quote from: ElizabethK on February 17, 2017, 03:09:03 AM
Hi Amore

Just wondering how the self acceptance was going? Many people have guilt where they shouldn't and much of it comes back to self acceptance...if you had full self acceptance(if possible) would you feel so guilty? I know I wouldn't...most of the things I have guilt about are out of my control and things I cannot do anything about anyway.

Just some food for thought

Liz

You have a very good point there. Most of the things that causes the guilt is out of my control.

Quote from: Amoré on February 17, 2017, 03:22:05 AM
You have a very good point there. Most of the things that causes the guilt is out of my control.

I know that doesn't make it any easier but I guess identifying what you can do and what you can't is also important. I have a tendency to make my self acceptance dependant on other peoples acceptance. Something I am working on myself...

Liz

Shame & Guilt are my two oldest and worse friends. I keep trying to drop them and somehow one or both manage to slip back into my life for a while. Being trans is pretty easy. Actually doing something about is a monumental undertaking. Do you continue on living up to other peoples expectations of what you should do or be? Or, do you try to learn what it is like to actually be the real you? A you that you don't really know.

I cannot count how many "WTF am I Doing ???" meltdowns I've had my first few years on this road. I still get them, though far less intense. Life is a constant juggling act for me as I try to balance all my needs and then try to work on the wants. Sometimes I loose my balance. Sometimes it is very easy to look at one or two specific issues/triggers and then start beating up on yourself thinking "If Only I Didn't...."

What helps to pull me out of these tailspins into depression is looking back at the totality. Thinking and reliving those feelings you had and that person you were the days, weeks and years before taking on the Trans-Beast and how you have been feeling since. Sure, this is not an easy road to be on. Sure you may have twisted your ankle a few times. But are you now in a better place overall? Are you now generally feeling better being a genuine You? Are you happy living in your own skin? What does the person in the mirror tell you? Most days no matter what my presentation is, I see a joy filled Joanne. I know it's a dark day when I see that sad old man looking back.

You are not responsible for the actions and choices of other people.

Read that again. And again. And again.

You cannot be guilty for anything that someone else chose to voluntarily do. This means your father, your brother, your former wife, or whoever else all made those choices themselves. You didn't put a gun to their head and say "Hate me or else", did you???

Of course not. They did that. They own that. That is their own personal responsibility and if they ever try to lay blame on you, that is because they know, deep inside, that they are the ones who are truly guilty of hate and divisiveness.

You can't help them but you are not responsible for them. The damage and harm done to your child comes from their choices. It's far better that you be a happy and functioning woman than a miserable or even suicidal man. If they cannot see this, if they choose to keep your own child from you, those are their choices and their own fault, not yours.

Stop beating yourself up. You didn't do that. The only choice you made was to transition for your own mental, spiritual, and physical well being. If someone hates you for taking care of yourself, then the problem is that person, not you.

Forgive yourself and let it go. If your child wants to know you, they will come find you someday.

Quote from: Amoré on February 17, 2017, 03:00:26 AM
A good point was made that I might want to deal with this feelings first before going all the way with grs. The regrets is not that much but the guilt is a lot . I won't detransition but I fear that it might make the guilt worse if I get the surgery soon.

It is smart to evaluate whether or not you are ready for GCS. Do it if you know it is right for you and wait if you decide it is not. That said, you have already made a significant commitment to becoming the real you. I think the best thing you can do is focus on your future. You can only control what happens from this day forward. Why do anything other than be the best 'new you' that you can be. In your future, you will affect  many people around you. If you go forth with positivity, building and creating the person you want to be, don't you think that the people you touch will benefit from a happy, whole, confident Amore'? Fear, shame, and guilt are your enemy. If you drag them along and  allow them to block or delay becoming that wonderful you, it will be  such a waste of time and effort. If I could state a motto for you, it might be, "Build, don't mourn." Build that person who can do so much for the people you will know. You have such an opportunity as a young sensitive woman, Sweetie, grab for it.
Moni

The hardest thing I blame myself for and feel guilty about is my loss of time with my child from the divorce. I get to see her almost each weekend but there is no more dropping her off at school. No more tucking her into bed and a lot of things I lost because of this loss of time with her because of divorce  :embarrassed: Each weekend is not the same as having her under your roof.


Then I start regretting my decision because I dwell on the past and think where am I missing something to fix the present so that I don't feel this pain.

I find myself getting up each day but knocked back down by depression, anxiety guild and regret. As if my ex knocking me down in the marriage when I came out as trans was not enough she still does it. The honest truth I am the hardest critic on myself I don't know if it is depression or what that makes me this way but I feel like the worst parent on earth and this is not my picture of life I wanted for my daughter.

I find myself in a constant tug of war internally with this issue of disgust with myself for what I have done and how it might influence her life. Only when she is older and understand will she be able to give me feedback on how she really feels for now she is only 3 years old and sees me as a hero that I feel I am not.  :-\

Amore',
   I understand and sympathize with not seeing your daughter like you used to. That is very painful to deal with and I would feel exactly the same. It is the new reality brought about largely by the hostile reaction of your wife. She didn't have to stay with you as that is her legitimate choice, but the decision to make your relationship with your child hard was her doing. Her decision to be hostile is her choice.
   I know you are expressing your sadness in this post. I get it. It is good to have a place to get it out sometimes. I would just urge you to not let the sadness control the future for yourself and your child. She will very soon only know you as who you are now(female). I don't have many memories of being 3 years old. My question  is, do you want her memories of you at 6, 10, 14, 18 years of age to be of you as a sad regretful person or as a positive, happy, hopeful person? How she will feel about you later will not depend on how you acted when she was three, but how you act from this day forward.
   We each have our lives with our different set of highs and lows. I get on here sometimes and feel really bad about my life. It is natural for everyone sometimes. I try not to let it last long because I don't want it to dominate my life. When I post to others, I talk of being positive because the negative tends to bring about more negative. If you are consistently down, would it be possible to get help in dealing with it? There is nothing shameful in seeking help.
   I don't mean to sound preachy and I am not familiar with the details of your life. I saw your post and thought bad for what you are dealing with. I also thought that you need to get out of the negative cycle of how you view yourself. You don't deserve to feel this bad about yourself ! I am no expert but I have dealt with some depression in my life. Sometimes I have put one foot in front of another trying to go in a positive direction. Even though I didn't feel positive in my head, before I knew it, things were in a better place. I hope you make moves to get to a better place. I wish you the best, Hon!
Moni

Quote from: HappyMoni on February 18, 2017, 08:41:36 AM
Amore',
   I understand and sympathize with not seeing your daughter like you used to. That is very painful to deal with and I would feel exactly the same. It is the new reality brought about largely by the hostile reaction of your wife. She didn't have to stay with you as that is her legitimate choice, but the decision to make your relationship with your child hard was her doing. Her decision to be hostile is her choice.
   I know you are expressing your sadness in this post. I get it. It is good to have a place to get it out sometimes. I would just urge you to not let the sadness control the future for yourself and your child. She will very soon only know you as who you are now(female). I don't have many memories of being 3 years old. My question  is, do you want her memories of you at 6, 10, 14, 18 years of age to be of you as a sad regretful person or as a positive, happy, hopeful person? How she will feel about you later will not depend on how you acted when she was three, but how you act from this day forward.
   We each have our lives with our different set of highs and lows. I get on here sometimes and feel really bad about my life. It is natural for everyone sometimes. I try not to let it last long because I don't want it to dominate my life. When I post to others, I talk of being positive because the negative tends to bring about more negative. If you are consistently down, would it be possible to get help in dealing with it? There is nothing shameful in seeking help.
   I don't mean to sound preachy and I am not familiar with the details of your life. I saw your post and thought bad for what you are dealing with. I also thought that you need to get out of the negative cycle of how you view yourself. You don't deserve to feel this bad about yourself ! I am no expert but I have dealt with some depression in my life. Sometimes I have put one foot in front of another trying to go in a positive direction. Even though I didn't feel positive in my head, before I knew it, things were in a better place. I hope you make moves to get to a better place. I wish you the best, Hon!
Moni

Thank you for the good advice

Quote from: Amoré on February 17, 2017, 11:07:37 PM
Then I start regretting my decision because I dwell on the past and think where am I missing something to fix the present so that I don't feel this pain.

I find myself getting up each day but knocked back down by depression, anxiety guild and regret. As if my ex knocking me down in the marriage when I came out as trans was not enough she still does it. The honest truth I am the hardest critic on myself I don't know if it is depression or what that makes me this way but I feel like the worst parent on earth and this is not my picture of life I wanted for my daughter.

I find myself in a constant tug of war internally with this issue of disgust with myself for what I have done and how it might influence her life. Only when she is older and understand will she be able to give me feedback on how she really feels for now she is only 3 years old and sees me as a hero that I feel I am not.  :-\

the first step to all of this (especially the second paragraph in this)...you need to be active.

Sitting around thinking all the time and feeling sorry for yourself leads to darkness, despair, poor self-esteem, lack of confidence and so on and so forth.

I live in Colorado.  My best friends here are a pair of hiking boots and my own two feet.

When I get down, I grab my boots, my hiking pack and my camera and I go find a nice mountain trail and I go for a nice long hike. I immerse myself in the beauty of nature and its wonderful and indiscriminate existence.

Being out in nature brings perspective and clarity back to my life. It relieves the tension and anxiety and allows me to think clearly, rationally and logically again.

So, find SOMETHING you enjoy that doesnt cost anything and make it your go-to activity when you have these feelings and get down.

It can be an urban walk in the city, a hike in the mountains, it could be volunteering to help at boys and girls club, it could be photography (cell phone, point and shoot or a dslr if you have one), drawing, blogging, whatever fits you.  But it needs to be something you are passionate about that you can get lost in for hours and days. Something that uplifts you.

Once you start doing that, then you can move forward to goal setting, achieving objectives and coping and overcoming the various issues in your life. 

PM me if you need someone to talk to or have questions.