Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Hi there!
I am new here. My husband came out to me in January as a transgender but it's complicated. I as a straight woman attracted to men, am devastated but trying to be as accepting as I can. I have bought him some clothes, taken him to get a pedicure, and have helped him put makeup on to help him feel good about himself and that he is safe with me. He wanted to keep everything private and in our home. He says that he wants to go on HRT but won't because of the cocequenses. He says if he lets his mind wander then he can talk himself into going on HRT and even becoming a woman. Now he says he doesn't want to talk about it anymore and wants to put it back in the closet where it was and before I knew. How can that be possible???

Questions:
Can he go through life knowing he desires to be a woman but do nothing about it?
Can he have feelings of both a man and a woman?
Can he go on a low dose of HRT to get small breasts and some fat redistribution and softer skin to get just subtle changes to help his mild dysphoria?
If he stopped HRT, could he regain function of his penis to where it was before HRT?
Why is he all of a sudden pulling back completely and trying to ignore everything?
How do I accept and learn to incorporate this into our marriage if he won't accept it himself? He says that he had it under control before I found out by just wearing a bra and fantasizeing about being a woman while masturbating. After he was done, he would take it off immediately and be fine for awhile but still had thoughts going throughout his head often.

Any help is appreciated. I'm overwhelmed and feel like I'm on a roller coaster of emotions between grief and acceptance.

Welcome to Susan's Place. A gender therapist would be a good idea because the the answers to your questions depend somewhat on the individual and that takes far more knowledge than we have.

It is possible to desire to be a woman and not do anything about it now. Unfortunately our ability to resist it declines over time so the answer in the future could be different than now.

It is possible for a person to be a mix of both gender. It's also possible for a person to be bi gender or gender fluid where they switch between genders at regular intervals. Our WIKI  (https://www.susans.org/wiki/Transgender) will cover this in more detail.

Testosterone is the primary problem but there are drugs that can suppress it. Estrogen rounds out the package and low dose is one approach for people who want minimal changes or who are buying time. With this combination, we have several members who have bought years of time without transitioning.

Stopping HRT can restore male function for most if it's lost. The catch is the dysphoria will return full force.

Some people have a difficult time facing change. It may be for a number of reason and it's more common in people who have surpassed their need for years. We have members who purchases a number of feminine items only to purge them in disgust. This cycle can be repeated many times over many years until they are able to accept themselves.

The sexual act can give temporary relief from the dysphoria. It will last a few hours but will return. As for your marriage, joint therapy is very important. You will need to define your boundaries and your husband will need to state needs. Hopefully you can agree on rules that will allow your marriage to survive but it doesn't always work out.

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Dena gives the best advice around here, you sound very supportive, being transgender is a disconnect between your brain and your body, most of us fight it for most of our lives before accepting it and choosing to do something about it medically, so it isn't as if he can't just throw it back in the closet. This is the YMMV part (your milage may vary), but for me at least doing that, while it would maintain the status quo of my life, would also result in the return of my depression. Imagine every time you saw a nice outfit knowing that even expressing a mild interest in it would be socially unacceptable. Now extend that to everything viewed as even a little feminine and add the anxiety that someone might figure it out even though you're hiding it. Lots of us will bury ourselves in some masculine activity or another, but it always feels like a bit of a farce even if we enjoy it.

It sounds like he doesn't want the boys to shrink, but also he sees how his transition would affect you, and loves you very much. As Dena said, a gender therapist could help both of you wrap your heads around it at least.

I agree with Dena. If I had had that explanation 5 years ago, things would have been much different for me I think.
I just posted somewhere yesterday about my own roller coaster ride. I have thrown away everything female and tried to put it behind me. I tried. I really did. But the female side always comes back. And I think much of my personal life is because of the era of time I grew up in, the age of no internet and not knowing there were any other people out there like me. I thought I was all alone in my thoughts.

Do you have children too? I think that is my biggest fear in coming completely out. Im 59 and I still keep everything concealed. I am in fear of losing my childrens respect. And Im not sure if I would cope with that very well. So I live my life one day at a time, and keep telling myself maybe tomorrow I will tell them. It doesn't have to be today.

Listen to Dena. Her reply was awesome. Good luck with everything for both you and your spouse. All of us are here for a reason. To find answers and share. Let us know how we can help.
Best wishes
Roni

Quote from: Twoman44 on March 08, 2017, 11:35:31 PM
Questions:
Can he go through life knowing he desires to be a woman but do nothing about it?

Yes.  But as everyone here will tell you, doing nothing about it will eventually cause some big problems.  These are the common ones that I personally experienced; depression, extreme cynicism, resentment, anger, an obsessive engagement with something else to keep the mind occupied, and suicidal ideation.  Actually doing something about it usually addresses most or all of these problems.

QuoteCan he have feelings of both a man and a woman?

I can only tell you my experience.  Since I was about 11 my mental identity as female has been consistently fixed as female.  Despite that I had to act the other part out of self preservation.  I was very good with the act but my mind always recognized it as an act.  If you mean behaviors and interests then you would have to define the set of exclusive male interests and exclusive female interests.  My guess is that those sets may not actually exist.

QuoteWhy is he all of a sudden pulling back completely and trying to ignore everything?

While it perhaps getting a little better the overwhelming message from society has been that we are abhorrent, sinful, depraved, a danger to children and women, and an enemy of God.  It's really not a whole lot of fun to hear that all the time and know that it's what people think about you.  (hence, depression and suicidal ideation). So you try and fight it until the fight wears you down.  It goes through cycles until there is no fight left.  Then you give up to despair.  Sorry if that sounds kind of pessimistic but it is the truth.


Conform and be dull. —James Frank Dobie, The Voice of the Coyote

Hi! Welcome, and thank you for being so supportive. It's great to see a spouse reaching out & trying to understand what's going on.

I'd like to discuss some of the points of your post, and then look at your questions.

Quote from: Twoman44 on March 08, 2017, 11:35:31 PM
I as a straight woman attracted to men, am devastated but trying to be as accepting as I can.

Should your husband decide to transition (it's not a choice: the need to transition is like having a gun held to your head), then you will find that you will be married to a woman, probably with a new female name, who is perceived by everyone else as being a woman. Your friends, family, colleagues and everyone you meet as a couple will see you as being in a same-sex relationship. Is this a reality that you can cope with? I sincerely hope so.

Quote from: Twoman44 on March 08, 2017, 11:35:31 PM
I have bought him some clothes, taken him to get a pedicure, and have helped him put makeup on to help him feel good about himself and that he is safe with me.

That's very kind of you. However, it is customary when a transgender person comes out to you to refer to them by the correct pronouns. It's possible that your husband hasn't asked for new pronouns yet, but if she is a woman then you will eventually have to get used to writing your sentences as follows:

Quote from: Twoman44 on March 08, 2017, 11:35:31 PM
I have bought her some clothes, taken her to get a pedicure, and have helped her put makeup on to help her feel good about herself and that she is safe with me.

I know it takes a long time and it can be difficult to get your head around it, but how does it make you feel to see your husband described in those terms? Accepting that your husband is actually a woman - and therefore your wife - is a hurdle you'll have to overcome if you truly wish to be supportive. Of course, she'll need to fully accept it too.

Quote from: Twoman44 on March 08, 2017, 11:35:31 PM
He wanted to keep everything private and in our home.

That's probably because there's a huge societal stigma surrounding transgender people. It's incredibly difficult to be treated like a freakshow, but sadly that's something that a lot of us have had to put up with. Going out in public presenting as your true gender can be utterly terrifying. There's a chance that people might stare or laugh (scratch that: it will happen) or even worse: they may attack her. Perhaps you could support her in that by offering to accompany her when she's ready to do so? Particularly in places like public toilets etc.

Quote from: Twoman44 on March 08, 2017, 11:35:31 PM
He says that he wants to go on HRT but won't because of the consequenses.

Which consequences? Again, this goes back to that stigma: the worry that you could lose your job, your marriage, your kids, your home... everything you hold dear if you decide to transition. Many of us have lost exactly that. Well, at least I still have my job so that's something. This is one of the reasons why trans people are so admirably strong: we have to be in order to survive the trauma that other people tend to put us through.

Quote from: Twoman44 on March 08, 2017, 11:35:31 PM
He says if he lets his mind wander then he can talk himself into going on HRT and even becoming a woman. Now he says he doesn't want to talk about it anymore and wants to put it back in the closet where it was and before I knew. How can that be possible???

Nobody - but nobody - wants to be trans. Transition is an incredibly difficult thing to go through, and you lose whatever privilege you may have had in society in the process. People can be incredibly cruel to us and for absolutely no good reason. So pretty much all of us try to believe that we can suppress this; that we can put it back in the closet and carry on as before, because that seems easier than going through the trauma of transitioning. We can suppress it, but only temporarily. Gender Dysphoria is a genuine medical condition that cannot possibly go away on its own without treatment. In fact, it builds & builds over time until it becomes so unbearable that we're left with 2 choices: transition or die. It's so serious that more than 40% of us try the second option at least once. So no, even if it gets shoved back in the closet this time, it'll come back again stronger than ever next time.

Now onto your questions:

Quote from: Twoman44 on March 08, 2017, 11:35:31 PM
Can he go through life knowing he desires to be a woman but do nothing about it?

Yes, she can - but it'd be hell on Earth, and she'll be in pain every day.

Quote from: Twoman44 on March 08, 2017, 11:35:31 PM
Can he have feelings of both a man and a woman?

Of course! We are not a binary species; it's not like male and female are the only two options. Everyone has a bit of masculinity in them and a bit of femininity in them: most of us have more of one than the other, but some people are closer to the centre.

Quote from: Twoman44 on March 08, 2017, 11:35:31 PM
Can he go on a low dose of HRT to get small breasts and some fat redistribution and softer skin to get just subtle changes to help his mild dysphoria?

Yes, she can. In fact, transition isn't necessarily about going the whole hog and having "the surgery" (as so many people rudely refer to it). Rather, transition is about doing as much or as little as is necessary to be comfortable in your own skin. Some people are happy with just occasionally dressing in opposite-sex clothing. Some people want HRT. Some want certain physical changes but not others. Some need to go all the way. It's a very personal thing.

Quote from: Twoman44 on March 08, 2017, 11:35:31 PM
If he stopped HRT, could he regain function of his penis to where it was before HRT?

Not my area sadly; Dena's answered this one.

Quote from: Twoman44 on March 08, 2017, 11:35:31 PM
Why is he all of a sudden pulling back completely and trying to ignore everything?

Because she's scared out of her wits that she's going to lose everything that's precious to her, including you. If you're telling us that you're only attracted to men, I bet she knows this too... and she's frightened that you won't want to stay.

Quote from: Twoman44 on March 08, 2017, 11:35:31 PM
How do I accept and learn to incorporate this into our marriage if he won't accept it himself?

By supporting your spouse in seeking out a Gender Therapist, and attending as many sessions as you can with your spouse.

Quote from: Twoman44 on March 08, 2017, 11:35:31 PM
He says that he had it under control before I found out by just wearing a bra and fantasizeing about being a woman while masturbating. After he was done, he would take it off immediately and be fine for awhile but still had thoughts going throughout his head often.

Like I said, it's about doing whatever you need to do to feel comfortable. But Gender Dysphoria gets worse (not better) with time, building up until it gets to the point where we have no choice but to transition. Perhaps that's what's happening here. Many of us have a history of trying to seek temporary relief which works for a while, but eventually we reach the point of no return where it simply isn't enough any more.

Quote from: Twoman44 on March 08, 2017, 11:35:31 PM
Any help is appreciated. I'm overwhelmed and feel like I'm on a roller coaster of emotions between grief and acceptance.

That's exactly it: it's wonderful that you're trying your best to come to terms with a difficult situation, and it's understandable that you're experiencing grief. You're grieving for your mental image of the man you married. Well, the genuine human being you married has been suffering from a traumatic medical condition for many years now, and it's possible that they'll be happier moving through the world in a female form. They'll still be the same person you fell in love with; just happier and in different packaging. I'd urge you to both seek counselling with a Gender Therapist to help you work through this together.

Good luck! :)

Quote from: Twoman44 on March 08, 2017, 11:35:31 PM
Can he go through life knowing he desires to be a woman but do nothing about it?

I can't speak for everyone, but it is a consistent feeling for me.  Sometimes the desire, is but a hum in the background, it is manageable - although it leaves me depressed.  Other times, the desire is incredibly strong, he was probably at that point when he told you.  After a period of time, the desire diminishes a bit, to a more controllable urge.. one starts to wonder if it is even worth pursuing transitioning because of all of the hardships, and the pain it will cause to loved ones, etc.  At that point, I usually give up on transitioning until the next wave hits me. 

Quote from: Twoman44 on March 08, 2017, 11:35:31 PM
Can he have feelings of both a man and a woman?

He could, everyone is different.

Quote from: Twoman44 on March 08, 2017, 11:35:31 PM
Why is he all of a sudden pulling back completely and trying to ignore everything?

It is a terrifying prospect, it really is.  I sometimes consider ending my life to be a viable alternative, than having to live out my days with this strange affliction.. or dealing with a society that loathes me.  Then there are my loved ones, I feel so incredibly guilty about transitioning, that it is easy to just try to deal with the depression.  I'm not sure how I would make it without my family, and I don't know if I could deal with the guilt of hurting them.

I have not transitioned yet, I'm at the stage your husband is, perhaps just a bit further along.  I am far from the best person here to answer your questions, but I hope I helped a little.

Quote from: Twoman44 on March 08, 2017, 11:35:31 PM
Now he says he doesn't want to talk about it anymore and wants to put it back in the closet where it was and before I knew. How can that be possible???

It's not. As you've probably figured out by now.
Whenever I played that game, my transgender identity would be, much like that scene from Arnold Schwarzenegger's The Terminator saying, "I'll be back."

I'll answer your questions solely from my own perspective and what I've learned.  Obviously I don't know you guys or your history or anything so my answers may or may not apply.  They also might be similar to other answers you've gotten, that still doesn't necessarily make them accurate in your situation.

QuoteCan he go through life knowing he desires to be a woman but do nothing about it?

In my experience and what I've seen in others, no. Completely denying it will not work and eventually it will come to the forefront again and likely with more vigor than he's currently experiencing. Attempts to bury these feelings result in unhappiness, irritability and in the worst cases depression and eventual suicide.  My personal recommendation is he should talk with a professional, learn how to be honest with himself and truly connect to his feelings.

QuoteCan he have feelings of both a man and a woman?

Yes.  There are many people that identify as GenderFluid, where their gender identity actually swaps from one to the other. That said, I'll add my personal experience here.  At one point I too thought I was GenderFluid. I felt like I still had this connection to my male persona.  Well after months of therapy and peeling back 39 years worth of denial, shame and social conditioning, I found that what I thought was a connection to my male side was just more denial. I discovered that my mind was searching for comfort in the familiar experiences out of fear of the unknown.  There was also a certain amount of internalized trans-phobia, simply put I was unwilling to admit that I was transsexual.

QuoteCan he go on a low dose of HRT to get small breasts and some fat redistribution and softer skin to get just subtle changes to help his mild dysphoria?

He can go on low does HRT but the affects of it cannot be guaranteed. Sadly for each person the body's reaction can be wildly different. Honestly though he's a ways off from this.  He needs to truly come to terms with who he is and be willing to be honest with himself before making any decisions like that.  This again is where an experienced gender therapist is critical.

QuoteIf he stopped HRT, could he regain function of his penis to where it was before HRT?

Again, there's a lot of factors here.  How high of a dose he was on, how long he was on, and how his body reacts to it.  There are some people I'm aware of who were on HRT for years and stopped and their equipment worked to some degree.  Sperm production is one thing I've been told does not recover, once it's gone, it's gone.  But erections and such may not actually go away or if they do may return if he stops HRT.

QuoteWhy is he all of a sudden pulling back completely and trying to ignore everything?

My guess would be he's got some internalized trans-phobia himself.  Deep down he may know that he's transgender in some fashion but doesn't want to admit it to himself let alone the world. He's had years social conditioning telling him this is wrong to feel this way and that he should be ashamed.  So it can come in waves.  Not at all uncommon, even for people like me who've discovered who we are, to go through additional bouts of denial.

QuoteHow do I accept and learn to incorporate this into our marriage if he won't accept it himself? He says that he had it under control before I found out by just wearing a bra and fantasizeing about being a woman while masturbating. After he was done, he would take it off immediately and be fine for awhile but still had thoughts going throughout his head often.

First of all the fact that you're asking this question is awesome.  It shows how much you care about him and how supportive you are.  Many of us don't have the luxury of a partner who feels that love and caring strong enough to get past the emotions of grief and sometimes even anger.  Ultimately he does have to accept it himself but you can help him with that by helping him see he doesn't need to be ashamed, he doesn't need to hide, he can just be honest. It'll take some time to get past the masculine shell that he's hiding in.  His experience of the connection with sexual gratification is not uncommon either.  Many of us, myself included, have been there as well.  Associating with sexual climax but always knowing there was something more.  As I look back on my life, I think that association developed because my strong feelings of gender dysphoria really kicked in during puberty about the same time I was discovering sexuality. As a result, the two seemed to be connected in my mind.  That has subsided significantly now that I've understood the separation of the two.

QuoteAny help is appreciated. I'm overwhelmed and feel like I'm on a roller coaster of emotions between grief and acceptance.

That roller coaster of feelings unfortunately is something that continues for some time. Again he's very fortunate to have someone as caring and willing to try to accept this as you are.  You'll feel grief, there's no doubt. If he eventually determines he needs to transition to being a woman, the grief will intensify.  At the same time, you seem very open minded so if you can focus on the possibility that your relationship could change but also become more rewarding, that may help you.  Most of the partners who stay with a Transgender mate seem to report that while they had to accept a new relationship dynamic, in the end for many of them it was just as or more fulfilling.

Hi Twoman44,

   I'm Jeanette, a 64yo MtF on HRT since December. (slight curtsy) I am also the unofficial greeter and I was sorely remiss in not greeting you last night. ( abject apologies )

   I want to welcome you to Susan's Place (late is better than never). Come on in, well I guess you did that already. Did you find a seat? Here have Dena's she's not using it atm. I hope you are comfortable.
  I also want to applaud on being a supportive SO. Not all ladies can do that. I was really touched by your concern for your husband and your willingness to reach out for help. (after all we are a strange bunch) A lot of us were not so lucky to have a spouse like you. I hope he realizes that. You're a wonderful lady.
   I cannot add anything really to what these ladies have already told you except to re-enforce the fact that your husband's behavior is not unique. I personally have been there. This denial is likely caused my many things going round and round in his head. He is going through turmoil right now trying to resolve all those thoughts. Among them front and center is his love for you. He doesn't want to hurt you with his desires. And that's another one, he can't accept his strange desires to dress up like a woman. It's just not "normal", it is "wrong", it is"unmanly", and he can't put those feelings out of his mind or reconcile it with his wants. He cannot find an acceptable balance. So what is he to do about it? he withdraws, he stops dressing, he purges, and he denies. And he feels horrible both for having such "deviant desires" and for dragging you into it. Again he loves you and doesn't want you hurt.
   If he is like I was he may eventually accept that he can come to accept it. And like me it could be enough for him for many years. He may never choose to do more. Only time will tell. Keep in mind though these terrible thoughts are like to return time and time again. Each time will be a crisis for him but they can be overcome especially with your help when he let's you help.  There is hope. I wish you both the best of luck and hope for a good resolution.

  Hugs,
   Jeanette
   

Thank you all for your responses!!!! I hear you all say we need a good gender therapist. I have made several appointments and final found a good one but.... he won't go.... He says he doesn't need help because he just doesn't need to know what it is and what it is not... so that's pretty frustrating for me when I'm really trying to get us some help. I use the masculine pronouns because he refuses to use the female ones. Last night I told him it was perfectly ok for him to dress if he wanted to (he won't do it in front of our 13 year old daughter) he put on his favorite thing to wear.... leggings.... and his bra but his regular male T shirt. H soon took it all off and put his regular male clothes back on and said he just wasn't into it lately.... he says he just wants to not feed it because he doesn't want the thoughts and that he will never take HRT or transition or dress out side the house for that matter. He says that things were under control before I knew (I caught him masturbating with my bra on) and that the desires were less than now that he has been able to dress and talk about it. He says that It's my fault because now he's forced to talk about it and is in no way going to a counselor about it. He said he wanted to keep it a secret and take it to the grave.... I just don't know what to do at this point.

First, you are amazing. I know it's difficult for you but you have gone way above and beyond what is required.

We are dealing with shame/embarrassment/fear and possibly a few other emotions I can't think of at the moment. He has the option of joining the site and discussing this with us but I suspect that isn't going to happen. We know these feelings will continue to build or the ability to suppress them will diminish and if they are not faced, life will become more miserable. It's not necessary to cross live or transition though many of us find it desirable. I am a little short of good idea but I will continue to think about it. In the mean time there are a few links you might find useful. The in the first two links, only the post pointed to by the link is important but you are free to read the remainder of the thread if you want. The last two threads are more directed at a possible life for your husband.

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,189165.0.html
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,218060.msg1930448.html#msg1930448
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,207785.0.html
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,209589.0.html

There are many other threads  like this one but I don't want to overload you.
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,214663.0.html

Hi sweetie,

Sounds like a very familiar binge - purge pattern is starting to happen, the purge is denial, and the binge driven by our internal needs. Personally I'd say use this time wisely - do some reading, maybe see a therapist to talk through all of the issues that you may face - the aim of the game is to be better educated when the cycle starts again, and be prepared.

Her world will be badly shaken right now, as she may think that everything is at stake. She obviously adores you, to be able to try to bury how she feels - she possibly believes she's doing it for you, to be the man she feels you deserve.

You also adore her (although that probably seems an odd thing to hear right now), as you are wanting to develop understanding, and are looking for help and support for yourself.

This thread may be interesting, as it could give some insight into what she is feeling right now, and how much of her world may seem to be in jeopardy.

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,207772.0.html

However bad she is feeling right now, she will have to get to a place where seeking help is viable option, and not afraid of coming out to a complete stranger, and she will need to set her own pace.

It's great that you have already found a good potential therapist to support your journeys, and you have all of us lovely folk here at Susan's, and we will do our best to help

(Hugs)

Rowan

You ladies are awesome! Unfortunately I'm sitting in a bar by myself wondering what is going on... he is pushing me away and it's very difficult to reach him right now. I have told him over and over that I accept him male or female even though I'm pretty scared. I tell him that I don't want him to put @her" in the closet... he just st won't talk about it. What's funny is last weekend I did his full make up and helped him shave his legs and fully dress. I told him he looked great. He loved it! He still says that he does not want to become a woman (but I think that's not true) he says "I'm a man" he just had a remind side (there isn't one thing feminine about him ... freaking out tonight. It's him pushing me away not the other way around. I'm scared we won't make it with his attitude...

You may have to back off and wait for him to get comfortable with the idea or for the urge to return in force. We have a member who has spend nearly a year becoming comfortable with the idea and it was a battle all the way.

Hi Jeanette here again,

I will offer my 2 cents to you. it's not much but it's all I have.  At this point IMO it would probably be best to back off a bit and let this phase play itself out. I know you want to help her but he/she is in a place where nothing you do will help other than be there for him and her; He is going to fight with her until she eventually wears him down and then you'll be able to help.
  You have had a lot of very good suggestions and the best I saw was for you yourself to find out more about this thing we go through. I have been where he is now. Quite a few times. I would guess most of us here have. He will have to work this part out for himself. It is admirable your desire to help , understand and support him/her but I don't think there is a whole lot you can do right now.
  Like I said that's my 2 cents, it isn't worth much. It is but my opinion.

Hugs for you,
   Jeanette

Possibly suggest a few visits to a therapist and if you don't like it you can quit. If offered HRT, try it for a month and if you don't like it, you can quit. It takes more than a month to make noticeable changes to the body but only a week or two for the mental changes to set in.

The secret to transition is not to look at the whole problem at once. If you do, it looks impossible. Instead consider it a series of baby steps. Deal with a small part of the whole and it's doable.

I have to say I love this website and all of you. Even though I myself am not Trans I respect you all for what you have to go through everyday just to be happy! Having my husband admit to me about his "feminine side" as he calls it (he still won't say he feels like a woman in a man's body) had opened my eyes to this new world of accepting people for who they are. My husband as always been anti LGBTQ. But I think that was because he was hiding from himself. I started seeing a change in him (around the time Bruce Jenner came out) but I couldn't understand what was going on!  I'm going to take your advice and back off for awhile and let him be just man right now and let things cool off for a bit. But I'm sure the urge (he says it can become pretty strong sometimes) will be back soon and I'll be back on the roller coaster as he will be too. I have a few new questions. I hope you don't mind.... you ladies are my best source for understanding right now since my husband can't tell me as he doesn't really know how to answer the questions and right now he doesn't want to talk about any of it...
1.earlier I asked about HRT (something my husband deeply wants but says he won't do). Someone mentioned that the low dose can help calm the mind and thoughts. My husband read that. What does that actually mean? How does it calm your thoughts? Also given in low doses, what are the body changes that can be expected? I ask because he says if he could just get small breast development, some softer skin, his fat to redistribute, and his thoughts to all down he would welcome those changes. But... he wants them to be subtle changes so that people on the outside won't really notice too much but he and I will know what's underneath the clothes.
2. What if he battles this the rest of his life because he's afraid of loosing friends and family, his lifestyle (he is a manly man who hunts, fishes, drinks beer (alcoholic) and chews tobacco! There is nothing feminine about him. That's why it's such a shock to me. He was the last person I though would be female deep down.
3.earlier I mentioned my attraction was toward men not women (we are pretty but I'm not sexually attracted to them) but I love the person I'm married to not just the man part of him. I'm f he was to go on HRT, our sex life would be completely different.... I love having PIV sex... he says that's one reason he would not want to do HRT as he loves it too. Is there a way to have it both ways? How would sex be if he couldn't t anymore? We have tried toys but they don't do anything for me... we did try anal on him (he wanted to try, women get penetrated during sex right?)..... he can't handle it... he has had an issue with hemoroids before (I know TMI). So I'm asking because I'm not orried about that. As a woman, I love the closeness that PIV brings to me.
I sure hope you don't mind all of these questions from me. I'm really trying to learn, understand, be supportive, and be as accepting as I can be. But at the same time I'm feelings by bad for his struggle and I'm grieving for the loss of what I thought my marriage looked like.

I can't say about the HRT, don't have it yet, and I've been more interested in the full dose... Many of us DO battle it our whole lives for those reasons, I've even heard of girls coming out in their seventies, it's very much YMMV, but the common thread is that they generally wish they hadn't waited so long. It's unfortunately a decision that we have to come to ourselves though, if someone else is pushing it'll probably cause a recoil from it.

PIV on low dose should still be possible, but again YMMV. Some women are able to even with full dose, but they make this desire clear to their endocrinologist who carefully adjusts the dosing, but it's different for everyone, we all react differently to it. From what I can tell from reading about it in the cases where they can still get and maintain erection, it "works differently", more like an oversized clitoris... I'm not sure what that means exactly because I'm not there yet, but keep in mind that sexual function is something that's different for all of us.

Hi Twoman44  (that a terrible way to address you, did I miss a name?)

  I am 64 and started HRT in December. I can attest that we can fight this for a long long time and deny that it is more than what it is. I used to believe that crossdressing was enough. For me that was a lie.  I waffled between periods of not dressing, sometimes for significantly long periods, and binge dressing.  I'd get my fix and put it away for awhile.
What is good for your husband and yourself I cannot say. I can only relate my experiences.

   As for your other questions you will get various responses here, some of them really good, but questions regarding what HRT can and cannot do for someone and dosages are best left for  the professionals and that I am not.
I'm sorry I cannot help you further.

  Jeanette

Quote from: Twoman44 on March 10, 2017, 09:25:35 AM
My husband as always been anti LGBTQ. But I think that was because he was hiding from himself. I started seeing a change in him (around the time Bruce Jenner came out) but I couldn't understand what was going on!

Yes, that's very common: most people who are homophobic or transphobic are only that way because they have their own issues in those areas, so you could be onto something there. P.S. her name is Caitlyn Jenner. ;)

Quote from: Twoman44 on March 10, 2017, 09:25:35 AM
I'm going to take your advice and back off for awhile and let him be just man right now and let things cool off for a bit. But I'm sure the urge (he says it can become pretty strong sometimes) will be back soon and I'll be back on the roller coaster as he will be too.

It's great that you're aware of this and prepared to offer assistance. Yes, let your husband take the lead and let him know how much you love & accept him. When it comes back, be ready with advice, support and the contact details of that gender therapist. It will come round again, and it'll keep getting stronger with time.  But you must let him lead the way.

Quote from: Twoman44 on March 10, 2017, 09:25:35 AM
I have a few new questions. I hope you don't mind.... you ladies are my best source for understanding right now since my husband can't tell me as he doesn't really know how to answer the questions and right now he doesn't want to talk about any of it...

Well, we're not all ladies here (there's a little 'gender' flag under everyone's avatar that shows whether we're male, female or otherwise)... but I'm happy to answer anyway.

Quote from: Twoman44 on March 10, 2017, 09:25:35 AM
1.earlier I asked about HRT (something my husband deeply wants but says he won't do). Someone mentioned that the low dose can help calm the mind and thoughts. My husband read that. What does that actually mean? How does it calm your thoughts? Also given in low doses, what are the body changes that can be expected? I ask because he says if he could just get small breast development, some softer skin, his fat to redistribute, and his thoughts to all down he would welcome those changes. But... he wants them to be subtle changes so that people on the outside won't really notice too much but he and I will know what's underneath the clothes.

The best explanation I can come up with for how we feel when we're under the influence of the wrong hormones is to compare us to cars: you know how we have diesel cars and petrol/gasoline cars, right? Well, the car represents your body and the diesel or petrol represents the hormones on which your body runs. Think of what happens if you put diesel in a petrol-engined car (or vice versa): it can't run properly and you won't go anywhere, right? That's what it currently feels like for your husband to have testosterone running through those veins when his brain expects oestrogen (the same as it would feel for you if you were to have testosterone running through your veins). But as we're humans, not cars, the wrong hormones can make us feel cranky, anxious, depressed... we basically feel like there's something fundamentally wrong going on in our bodies. Because, in actual fact, there is! So a low dose can help alleviate some of that feeling of discomfort, and can quiet the storm within. I feel a million percent calmer and more settled now that I'm on testosterone: those monthly hormone swings are so much worse if your brain isn't geared up to expect them.

As for those subtle changes, yes they can be very welcome but don't be surprised if your husband's need to transition speeds up at that point. That's often the case: as our minds & bodies start to represent who we really are, we feel a stronger need to go even faster until we get to the point where we finally feel comfortable (whatever that might be).

Quote from: Twoman44 on March 10, 2017, 09:25:35 AM
2. What if he battles this the rest of his life because he's afraid of loosing friends and family, his lifestyle (he is a manly man who hunts, fishes, drinks beer (alcoholic) and chews tobacco! There is nothing feminine about him.

You'll be surprised how many women here have done similar 'manly' things. Many trans women are military veterans, and do you know why? Because when you're struggling with your gender identity and are trying to force yourself to be happy with living as your birth sex, it's pretty common to throw yourself in the deep end to try to make yourself accept it. Let's face it, joining the military is probably considered the most masculine thing you can do, right? As are hunting, fishing etc. The problem is: it doesn't work in the long term. Because if you're a woman, then you can do all the masculine things in the world but nothing is going to change the fact that you're a woman, is it? A woman who hunts, fishes, drinks beer and chews tobacco is still a woman.

I did something similar: I got married & had a couple of kids in an effort to force myself to accept being female. Because that's the most 'womanly' thing you can do, right? Same principle... and no, it didn't work (obviously!).

Quote from: Twoman44 on March 10, 2017, 09:25:35 AM
3.earlier I mentioned my attraction was toward men not women (we are pretty but I'm not sexually attracted to them) but I love the person I'm married to not just the man part of him. I'm f he was to go on HRT, our sex life would be completely different.... I love having PIV sex... he says that's one reason he would not want to do HRT as he loves it too. Is there a way to have it both ways?... As a woman, I love the closeness that PIV brings to me.

I love the closeness of PiV too, but I'm not a woman. And no, it's NOT just women that get penetrated during sex - I certainly don't magically morph into a woman, even when enjoying PiV. ;)

Some women do the penetrating, some men are penetrated. Some women only have sex with other women, some men only have sex with other men. It's all good. PiV is only one way of having sex; there are literally thousands of other ways of doing it. Oh, and if you're trying anal you need to make sure it's done right with lots of preparation. Think about what your husband didn't like about it: was it discomfort/pain? (in which case, more prep is needed). Or was it internalised misogyny or homophobia about the idea of being penetrated?

Quote from: Twoman44 on March 10, 2017, 09:25:35 AM
I sure hope you don't mind all of these questions from me. I'm really trying to learn, understand, be supportive, and be as accepting as I can be. But at the same time I'm feelings by bad for his struggle and I'm grieving for the loss of what I thought my marriage looked like.

Ask away, we're happy to help and we hope it makes your journey together a better one. If your husband decides to put this on the back burner, please consider leaving your account open so you can return at a later date when it comes up again.

Mentally HRT did a lot for me and it happened really quickly.
- It cured my depression.  At that time I had gotten to the point that nearly every night I prayed I would die in my sleep.  That all went away.
- It cured my anger.  I was angry all the time and was taking it out on my wife.  For a long time we were having fights nearly every day and nearly always instigated by me.  Since starting HRT we no longer fight, ever.  Sure, we still disagree on some things but the angry fights are no more.
- It stopped the incessant voice in my head so that today I am much more focused and able to concentrate on things.
- It cured my daily drinking.  I wasn't really an alcoholic but I did deliberately get drunk nearly every day to dull the anxiety and despair.  Now I might have a beer or two every three or four months.

These were the big ones.

I want to share something I wrote here not long after starting HRT.  Maybe it will communicate a little of what was going on in my mind.

QuoteI became self-aware,  opened my eyes and saw only darkness.  Feeling with my fingers; plain wood, coffin like, buried in the cold earth.  At first I laid quietly inside, accepting my fate.  But the darkness and the stifling air became overpowering.  I began to scream, clawing at the unyielding lid, crying for release, praying for divine intervention.  But nobody came.  I began to tire and in resignation waited for the eternal darkness to take away this cold lonely existence.  But it can't hurt to try just one more time.  So again I cried out for release in a voice I thought barely audible, weak and exhausted from a lifetime alone in the box.  But this time somebody heard.  The sound of footsteps approaching.  Scratching noises on the outside of the lid.  A sliver of light and for the first time I felt hope.  Is this my release? Can it really be?  Then with a crash the lid falls away and the light of a thousand suns fills my space but my eyes, never before having seen light, are overwhelmed and leave me unable to see.  But I am now free, and in my freedom there is happiness.  A strange feeling; something new.  My eyes will slowly adjust to this wonderful new light as I take one slow step at a time in the world, others helping me, away from that cursed box.  The evil ones of the Dark Lord gather in the distance with their torches and pitchforks, their black robes billowing as if in a furious wind, chanting in a frenzied unison for the witch to be imprisoned again into the box of death.  The evil ones, calling me a witch.  I smile inwardly at that irony as I take another small step away from that cold dark box, never to return.

Conform and be dull. —James Frank Dobie, The Voice of the Coyote

Quote from: FTMDiaries on March 10, 2017, 10:13:16 AM
You'll be surprised how many women here have done similar 'manly' things. Many trans women are military veterans, and do you know why? Because when you're struggling with your gender identity and are trying to force yourself to be happy with living as your birth sex, it's pretty common to throw yourself in the deep end to try to make yourself accept it.

Yes, I was an Army Ranger and a commander of Paratroopers.  Not quite the stereotype people think of.



Conform and be dull. —James Frank Dobie, The Voice of the Coyote

Just one quick comment, just hearing you refer to us as "ladies" means more to some of us than you might know. We thank you for that.

Roni

Quote from: Twoman44 on March 09, 2017, 08:15:21 PM
He said he wanted to keep it a secret and take it to the grave.

That's exactly what I used to say to myself.  Even down to the exact same words I would use in my internal dialog.  It's a long journey.  I hope he can one day find some peace and acceptance with his gender identity.

Quote from: Twoman44 on March 09, 2017, 08:15:21 PM
He says that It's my fault because now he's forced to talk about it and is in no way going to a counselor about it. He said he wanted to keep it a secret and take it to the grave.... I just don't know what to do at this point.

This put me in a ranty mood.

CONTENT WARNING:  UNGENTLE THOUGHTS EXPRESSED BELOW

He might take it to his grave sooner than either of you expects if he doesn't face up to this issue.  Like cancer, running away doesn't solve anything.  And like cancer, if untreated, it will kill him.

As for him blaming you for bringing it out in the open -- let's just say I'm not impressed.  (That's putting it mildly.)  I don't think I need to say any more -- res ipsa loquitur.

I'm tempted to tell him he should "man up" and face the reality that he's transgender (in some form) and deal with it like a grown-up.  It's called being honest.  It's call moral courage.  You've got a lot more patience than I would have.

I'm beginning to see what people mean when they tell me I'm "brave."

I blamed my wife also.  I was totally unjustified, even then I knew it was kind of weak, but this is how that thought process works.

I had been told by my parents I was sick, crazy, etc. and that message is reinforced by society.  I also heard from the Church that Jesus would fix everything.  So anyway, after I was about 13 I determined that I would beat it.  About 30+ years after that, despite my best efforts I had not beat it and Jesus was no help at all.  So I looked for reasons for this failure and latched onto the idea that if only my wife had been better or done something different then I might have succeeded.  Of course, that was totally ridiculous and she was not to blame for any of it.  I think that maybe was part of the root cause of all my anger and resentment. 

Fortunately, I did get my mind straightened out and all my anger, resentment, and blame is gone.

If your husband's thoughts are anything like mine were then the only reason he puts any blame on you is because you're the closest target and it helps relieve himself of a tremendous amount of unearned guilt that is instilled by parents, Church, and society as a whole.  I use the word unearned because this is quite beyond anyone's ability to turn off at will. 


Conform and be dull. —James Frank Dobie, The Voice of the Coyote

He says that for the past 30 + years he delt with it well (fantasizing about being a woman during masrurbation) then when we got together 17 years ago he had access to my clothes (nothing fit him) but he started 13 years ago (after our daughter was born) wearing one of my bras during masturbation. He said that this satisfied his urges when they would get bad (about once or twice a month). But when I caught him with one of my bras.... he played it off as a fetish or a kinky thing he did to get aroused for masturbation. Then he told me about a week later about his "feminine side" and after that. I had many questions to say the least.... He says that because of all my questions it is all he wants hinks about now. That before he was faced with everything that he never thought about actually becoming a woman or going on HRT or shaving his legs or dressing fully in women's clothing but now he say that he/we are feeding it and he wants to go back to when it was a secret and he can control his thoughts better. Our relationship will never be the same (that's because he shuts down) and he blames me for coming home one day and "catching" him.... but all I thought was that it (the bra) was just a turn on. He is the one who told me about possibly being a Transgender. Still to this day he won't fully admit it. He says that he doesn't always want to be a woman. He says he just likes to feel feminine sometimes but always feels he wants breasts. I was wondering if it was a sexual thing or did he feel he was missing that part of his body... then he said that if he really let his mind wander... he can actually feel like he has a vagina (when he would masturbate).  Honestly... I have wondered if he had some kind of sexual fantasy he has made up over the course of his life (the perfect woman to fantasize about so to speak). Could he have made this up in his head? I'm courious because I have read it's possible... I have also read abou Gyenophillia which sounds a lot like him too. Then we hav to allied about the term Gender Fluid (would you meet HRT for that???) That's why I want him to see a gender specialist to take what it's not off the table... HE WONT GO...

I cannot in any way diagnose anyone and I'm not a psychologist anyway.  But nothing you wrote about him in your last post is in any way unusual for transsexuals.  The fantasy stuff is not creating a perfect woman.  It's simply the only way of dealing with this when no other outlet is permitted.  For a few moments one might, in their head at least, feel whole.


Conform and be dull. —James Frank Dobie, The Voice of the Coyote

Quote from: Twoman44 on March 10, 2017, 09:25:35 AM
1.earlier I asked about HRT (something my husband deeply wants but says he won't do). Someone mentioned that the low dose can help calm the mind and thoughts. My husband read that. What does that actually mean? How does it calm your thoughts? Also given in low doses, what are the body changes that can be expected? I ask because he says if he could just get small breast development, some softer skin, his fat to redistribute, and his thoughts to all down he would welcome those changes. But... he wants them to be subtle changes so that people on the outside won't really notice too much but he and I will know what's underneath the clothes.

In the MTF, testosterone is really nasty stuff. It seems to have a greater effect on us that it does on a CIS male. When we are under the influence we experience dysphoria. I know of two forms. The first is body dysphoria were we feel our body is wrong and we want things like breast or a shapely body and we hate the package between our legs. The second form is social where we feel we don't fit into life. We may feel both form of dysphoria or we may feel one more than the other. This can cause extreme depression that may cycle or be pretty much a constant companion. Everybody seems to experience dysphoria a little differently but we know it when we see it in somebody else. The other issues the the testosterone seems to produce an increased sex drive that may express it's self in standard or non standard ways. Blocking testosterones will help bring both of these feeling under more control but how well it works depends on the individual. I know of one person who is resisting the role transition but has done everything but a social transition. Eliminating testosterone has reduced the need for a social transition but hasn't totally eliminated it.

As for what HRT will do is anybodies guess. I do know that the FTMs often pass male for years without altering their body so it can be done. A second option if things get out of control is a breast reduction surgery. Just be careful with that decision because we have a member who de transitioned, had a mastectomy and now somewhat regrets it.

Quote
2. What if he battles this the rest of his life because he's afraid of loosing friends and family, his lifestyle (he is a manly man who hunts, fishes, drinks beer (alcoholic) and chews tobacco! There is nothing feminine about him. That's why it's such a shock to me. He was the last person I though would be female deep down.

My parents and even one of my therapist thought I was to male to be a woman. Must have had something to do with my height or my very deep voice. In any case, we have members who dealing with the pressure of dysphoria ended up with physical complications. It's not healthy living with all that pressure and if you body isn't affected, your relationship with other is. Many of the member report that undergoing treatment has made them a better person.

Quote
3.earlier I mentioned my attraction was toward men not women (we are pretty but I'm not sexually attracted to them) but I love the person I'm married to not just the man part of him. I'm f he was to go on HRT, our sex life would be completely different.... I love having PIV sex... he says that's one reason he would not want to do HRT as he loves it too. Is there a way to have it both ways? How would sex be if he couldn't t anymore? We have tried toys but they don't do anything for me... we did try anal on him (he wanted to try, women get penetrated during sex right?)..... he can't handle it... he has had an issue with hemoroids before (I know TMI). So I'm asking because I'm not orried about that. As a woman, I love the closeness that PIV brings to me.

If your husband is comfortable with PIV and willing to forgo surgery, careful adjustment of HRT might preserve function. If surgery is a requirement, you would have to explore new ways of expressing yourself. This is where therapy will come it because you will need to state what you require and he will have to determine what he can provide. I am not an expert on sex but there are other things that you might find satisfactory.

Quote from: Twoman44 on March 10, 2017, 05:40:24 PM
He says that for the past 30 + years he delt with it well (fantasizing about being a woman during masrurbation) then when we got together 17 years ago he had access to my clothes (nothing fit him) but he started 13 years ago (after our daughter was born) wearing one of my bras during masturbation. He said that this satisfied his urges when they would get bad (about once or twice a month). But when I caught him with one of my bras.... he played it off as a fetish or a kinky thing he did to get aroused for masturbation. Then he told me about a week later about his "feminine side" and after that. I had many questions to say the least.... He says that because of all my questions it is all he wants hinks about now. That before he was faced with everything that he never thought about actually becoming a woman or going on HRT or shaving his legs or dressing fully in women's clothing but now he say that he/we are feeding it and he wants to go back to when it was a secret and he can control his thoughts better. Our relationship will never be the same (that's because he shuts down) and he blames me for coming home one day and "catching" him.... but all I thought was that it (the bra) was just a turn on. He is the one who told me about possibly being a Transgender. Still to this day he won't fully admit it. He says that he doesn't always want to be a woman. He says he just likes to feel feminine sometimes but always feels he wants breasts. I was wondering if it was a sexual thing or did he feel he was missing that part of his body... then he said that if he really let his mind wander... he can actually feel like he has a vagina (when he would masturbate).  Honestly... I have wondered if he had some kind of sexual fantasy he has made up over the course of his life (the perfect woman to fantasize about so to speak). Could he have made this up in his head? I'm courious because I have read it's possible... I have also read abou Gyenophillia which sounds a lot like him too. Then we hav to allied about the term Gender Fluid (would you meet HRT for that???) That's why I want him to see a gender specialist to take what it's not off the table... HE WONT GO...

As I said above, testosterone can really mess up a brain. It can produce an excessive sex drive and an over active fantasy life. We tend to really be happy when the uncontrolled thoughts fade as the blockers take effect. Diagnosing somebody while under the influence of testosterone is difficult because you don't know what is real and what is the chemical.

Gender fluid may be helped by HRT as well. I have heard that it can reduce the switching and if somebody is more feminine that masculine, that a transition is appropriate.

Something else your husband should be aware of. While some relations ships break up because a person transitioned, other have broke up because a partner refused to face treatment. We have a few member currently on the site who could have faced this years ago but instead hid the issue and destroyed their marriage in the process.

One last little thought, as nasty as the MTF consider testosterone, it's god sent for the FTM. FTMs have dysphoria much like us except the cause is estrogen instead of testosterone. Their mind come under control and they feel a reduction in dysphoria with the very hormone that causes us issues.

If he is gender fluid, why the HRT to help him feel more female? What if his Testosterone levels are low? Would getting that in balance help as well?

Usually higher testosterone levels just make it worse.  Before I started HRT my levels were several hundred points above average, close to the top end for my age.


Conform and be dull. —James Frank Dobie, The Voice of the Coyote

Testosterone can cause the switching that a gender fluid person experiences. Suppressing testosterone suppresses the switching. Estrogen isn't a major player in this but it helps feminize the body and protects against damage to the bones from calcium loss. As for low testosterone, I know mine was on the lower end of the scale but I had dysphoria pretty hard, I can live with a little testosterone because I am now mid range feminine and it's not causing problems but I sure don't want to return to the older levels.

We have member who were in the low testosterone ranges and they were diagnosed when they were young. Mostly they were intersex so the doctors where easily able to know about it. To make men out of them, they gave the testosterone and the end result was they went down hill with full blown dysphoria. Our brains just don't react well to anything above a low level of testosterone.

When I transitioned, HRT was far more primitive and we didn't have anything to suppress the testosterone. As the result, I had testosterone in my system up to the day of surgery and only after surgery was I fully free of it's effects. The good thing was that I had social dysphoria so cross living eliminated a portion of the discomfort I felt.

At the moment I suspect that she feels trapped. Trapped between wanting desperately to bury her feelings, and needing to be the man.

The shutdown is normal as far as I know, to grant headspace to be able to process and try to bury what's actually going on. A therapist would help, but she's in a place where pushing will probably shut things down further still, and hormone testing will probably fall into the same camp (all puns intended), as she's been fighting these feelings for many years, and won't readily want to acknowledge them.

She trusts you a lot, so have some time together, taking time to provide diversion to the issues that have been uncovered, as that is all that she will be thinking of right now. Even when making tea. She will get to a point where she will need someone to lean on, and she will need to start the process. Sadly, that can't be hurried.

(Hugs)

Rowan

Hi twoman44, its encouraging to find you so accepting of her being transgender. I cannot give any better advice than what has already been said. I just want to say that not only are you helping her by sharing her story but helping others as well from the advice given. some of the things that she is going thru is what has been the same for myself. so the advice given has also fit my situation. she does trust you enough to come out to you but I don't feel the same with my spouse at this time. believe me accepting oneself of this is very difficult and yes it does come in waves one day denial next day acceptance and the thought is always there no matter what I do, telling yourself to stop doesn't work. just be there for her. I can tell that you will be.  :) 

Hello,
As others have already said, I am NOT a therapist, so I can't tell you this is the right thing to do or that is the wrong one. All I can do is to relate MY story to yours. And I see SOOOOOO many similarities between your Husband's story and mine. I used to be VERY vocal in my opposition to Gays (And let's not even get into THOSE trans people). But in reality, It was because I knew it hit way too close to home. I went to a Tri-Ess (Crossdresser's support group) one day and left as soon as I could politely get out of there thinking, "I'm not like THOSE freaks". (I was!) I used to be satisfied with a quick slipping on of panties,bra, and/or slip. I got "Caught" a few times and was able to successfully lie my way out of it (Even though she was still suspicious). I would buy myself some panties and a bra, maybe even a slip or a dress and would enjoy them for about a week, then I would get disgusted with myself and throw it all away. I could put on an article of (usually her) clothing for 3 minutes about once every week or two and be satisfied with that. Now I FREQUENTLY dress and sleep in a nightgown most nights yet I am constantly yearning for more. What keeps me from transitioning? My love for my wife, My desire to keep a good relationship with my family, and fear over the hardships that we would BOTH face if I were to transition. (And I'm an early retiree so "I" don't have job issues to worry about but I DO have to worry about my wife's employment.)  It's scary to think about going through not only the medical procedures but all that our society does to us as well. And growing up as "a man" we were constantly told to suppress our feelings and emotions. To be the provider for our family. To safeguard and protect our wives...especially since women are "the weaker sex". (And what idiot would want to go from being a big, strong, man to being a weak pretty feminine woman? ME! THAT'S WHO! But that's another story!  :) ) ( And before someone gets mad at me, the previous statements were written with sarcasm in mind (Except for me wanting to be a woman!)...An attempt to illustrate how many in the world denigrate us. NOT as true statements of my opinions!) In my opinion, a lot of the "shutting down" and pushing you away is his sub-conscious way of protecting you because he is terrified of what may be going on for him and of what the future may bring. So my advice. Tell him you love him. Hold him. Kiss him. Try to suggest a couples counselor who is well versed in transgender issues. (don't try just any counselor. There are many who know NOTHING about TG issues and could easily make matters worse!) And reassure him that you will always love him and be there for him. Even if he becomes she.

AllisonFS I tell him everyday. I tell him it is very hard for me (and him) but I want what makes him happy. The only thing I'm really afraid of is him changing his sexual orientation (he says he's not attracted to men, but others have said they lied about it for awhile...) as I hear so many Transgender women do after going in HRT. That really scares me!

I can imagine that would be a concern. Sadly, that issue is way above my level of knowledge. I'm sorry I can't help you there. :( But I do think you are an amazing wife to be so dedicated!

Some, but not all do. I personally can't see myself ever being with a man.

Gender identity and sexual orientation are two separate things, if I wanted guys, I'd just be a feminine gay guy, it would certainly be easier and is more acceptable in this society. It's also what everyone assumes I am. I just like everything about women, and dislike most everything about men. I just don't enjoy dating women like a man, I hate being the one making the first moves, being the one to choose where we go, etc.

Just a note on autogynephillia, it's a term that was coined in psychology a long time ago to delegitimize transgender people's claims that it was who they are, and that they felt deep inside that their assigned gender didn't match up with their minds.  The claim is that every transgender save for those that transitioned before puberty was sexually attracted to themselves as a woman.  This has been debunked on a bunch of fronts, for instance many of us would have transitioned before puberty if given the option.  It's also been found that certain brain structures in transgender individuals matched those of their claimed gender identity.  Not to mention that it doesn't make any sense for people who transitioned early, and female to male transgender people to have a completely different condition.  There is certainly a sexual component, but it only seems to surface in those who are in the denial stage, and goes away as they leave that stage (at least that was my experience).  In the best case you could say that being a transgender person motivates autogynephillia, not the other way around.  There are no longer any credible psychologists who would say that someone is not a transgender person, they're just autogynephillic.  Just google  ->-bleeped-<- debunked and you'll get tons of sources, it's fueled by hate, not science.

It's tempting to say that if it's a disconnect between brain and body you could fix the brain, but it's a STRUCTURAL difference, it's hardware, not software, so to fix it you'd have to give the person a new brain, and there aren't many of us who would elect that procedure even if it was 100% survivable with today's medicine (pretty sure that'd be 0% survivable right now).  So the only options we have at the moment is to change our bodies completely with hormones, surgery, and all the scary stuff, or cope with whatever mechanisms are available be it denial, low dose HRT to take the edge off, working in some feminine elements, or any number of other things we've tried.  No one is saying he has to transition, but denial is the worst coping mechanism by far, and that's the part that ends up hurting the people closest to us, it's easy to blame that on coming out since that's the thing immediately before all the trouble, but if it wasn't for the denial it wouldn't hurt anyone to begin with.

Sorry to rant, but that  ->-bleeped-<- thing had me going for a while too, it seemed to fit at first, and that's why it's so dangerous, since it doesn't recommend any proper way to cope with being a transgender person, it just says you're a silly horny guy who's crazy and going too far! Which is not helpful.  The fix to a problem is never "pretend it doesn't exist".

Daniellekai

Thank you for your comment! Autogyephillia did describe him at first because of what he initially told me. Especially since it was related to masturbation and I had no other information at the time. He said that when he would masturbate, it would not be of a vision of anyone else (no face or specific person) but the vision was him satisfying himself as a woman. So when I read about Autogynephillia, it sounded (at first) like he had created this fantasy woman upon himself and it evolved over time. Then came the Transvestic Fetishisim... which in the very beginning described him because he would only put a bra on, masturbate, take it off and be done. He said for years he did only that. He also said that when he would act on the urge after it built up, he would be good to not do it for weeks at a time. Maybe just once a month.
I totally agree when you say that the worst thing to go is to pretend it doesn't exist. It makes it very difficult for him and for me to just not talk about it when I know so much. I am the type of person who wants to deal with things to move forward and begin living again... I will always be there for him.

My own therory. S/he probably had gender related issues for some time before that. I dont take pride in admitting this but I too used to sexualize my female sel starting at age 15 lasting till age 18 or so. However, i had mild gender questionings at an early age and also started to experience some forms of Dysphoria at age 13. For myself, the turning it into a kink was done in two way. One, that was when my testosterone and sex drive actually really seemed to kick off. Before that I had no real sex drive or fantasies, and if I did it be like once every couple of months.  Despite my dirty mind and sex jokes i was really never truly kinky before 15 and 2, it provided a release. The thinking back then was ''This is fun and this is ok, becuase I am not acting on my trans-feelings''. Like him at age 15 I was very anti-lgbt, or, I tried to be anyways.

Perhaps it might be helpful to do a little thought experiment:

Imagine that you were born in the body of a male. With all the male equipment, i.e. genitalia.  Now imagine maturing and  your genitalia produces high levels of androgen.  Androgen is REALLy  potent stuff.  It makes you really horny to the point where you just can't fight it. It needs to be released.   One way or another.   It's a biological imperative.   You've heard the expression about how the "little head does the thinking for the big head."  That expression came from the very real lived experience of androgen-dominant males.  You can try to run from it and avoid it but in the end that strategy will eventually prove fruitless.  For a comical treatment of this see the Seinfeld episode "The contest."  Now imagine that you, a woman, have to deal with this somehow.  Are you going to deal with as a normal cisgender man?  That's not possible. You're a woman.  You are going to cope with it the only way you can. As a woman. Your thoughts, needs and fantasies are those of a woman. Not a man.  To put a label on it and brand it as Autogynophelia and beat yourself up about how you're not normal is one way to go.   A pretty dumb way.  The other way is just to accept it. I'm a woman.  What is happening to me is off.  It's off because I don't have the correct hormones in my body.  It's off because I was born in the wrong body.   But denying it isn't helpful.