Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Okay so I recently realised that a lot of my transitioning was me creating an alter ego (Dissociative Identity Disorder) as a coping mechanism from severe childhood abuse and burying three of my children. Yep, for real.

Question I have is what to use in terms of getting T back after an orchiectomy? My endo has recommended Tostran and he told me exactly what I need to take, when and how, but my Gender Identity Clinic are being typical 'gatekeepers' and trying to delay all this. I clearly don't fit into their box and I've been treated like a naughty school child. So I may order it all online if I can.

Any thoughts as to what to use? Are there alternative brands to Tostran out there?

Thanks xx

Maybe go to see a different gender clinic if at all possible. Depending where you live that shouldnt be too big an issue :). Hope that helped a little bit

The only thing that is truly effective is external testosterone. Currently it can be by injection or topical. There is an oral form in final clinical studies now and may be released soon. After an orchiectomy, you are in the same situation as FTM.  I do not recommend any testosterone product ordered online. Because of locker room abuse and roid rage, all testosterone products in the US are now a controlled drug. They can only be prescribed by a licensed physician and filled in a licensed pharmacy. All non-prescription products are a waste of money.

Gender clinics should not be a gate keeper. They should be a facilitator. They should have picked up on your Dissociative Identity Disorder earlier on and no clinic should ever demean someone by letting them feel like a naughty school child.

I agree with SailorMars1994, see if you can find a different Therapist.

Thanks so much for that Dani.

One of the things which shocked me was that although I had an endocrinologist appointment at the GiC, where I discussed my wish to detransition, the psychiatrists refused to speak to me even though they were in the building, and told me to come back in six weeks.

As you say, they really should have picked up the DID. Anyone presenting with my background: the deaths of three of my children (not to mention severe sexual abuse) should have had warning bells ringing with any psychiatrist who didn't have blinkered vision. I'm not impressed.

Rxx

Quote from: Rachel Richenda on March 27, 2017, 04:50:21 AM
Okay so I recently realised that a lot of my transitioning was me creating an alter ego (Dissociative Identity Disorder) as a coping mechanism from severe childhood abuse and burying three of my children. Yep, for real.

Question I have is what to use in terms of getting T back after an orchiectomy? My endo has recommended Tostran and he told me exactly what I need to take, when and how, but my Gender Identity Clinic are being typical 'gatekeepers' and trying to delay all this. I clearly don't fit into their box and I've been treated like a naughty school child. So I may order it all online if I can.

Any thoughts as to what to use? Are there alternative brands to Tostran out there?

Thanks xx

Take this all very slowly. If you have an endocrinologist on your side, then you should have no problems. You should know that your 'gatekeepers' are doing what their protocols call for. And as long as they perform according to their protocols, they cannot be successfully sued over any perceived miscare of a patient. And right now I'll bet that that's a big consideration on their mind.
   If that sounds cold, then I apologize. But it's a real consideration.

Sent from my LG-H820 using Tapatalk

It's not cold. I'm lining up the potential legal armoury. They have made mistakes here, big time.

Im going to be very unpopular here but I feel I must ask some important questions.. One, were you completely honest with your counselors. As in, did you explain to them you feel as if you have two different personalities due to pst trauma or did you down play it or not say anything  in hopes to press on with GRS or did you not even know you had DID at the time. There are people who do have DID and are in fact transgender/gender dysphoric by nature. Its much harder to diagnose someone with GD who has DID then someone who doesn't so if you were completely honest with them they should have in fact taken it slower and possibly found other methods to ease any dysphoria you probably felt and leave GRS as something for last after everything else was tried and it was a 100% sound decision.

With that said, how long was your transition? as from coming out and living full time to grs? 2 years, 5 years, ect?

Rachel I am gonna be blunt here.

YOU told the therapists that you are a transsexual, YOU told the therapists you wanted to have Hormones, and later GRS/FFS. YOU then told the doctors that did your surgery the same thing. At every step of the way they try to talk you out of it. At each point in this process YOU made the choices YOU did, and YOU said that, "Yes this is really what I want."

So the only person YOU should be suing is YOURSELF.

Put on your big boy or girl panties, and deal with the repercussions of YOUR decisions, choices, and actions. Don't try to place fault with others, when it all started and ended with YOU.

All legal action would do is to make it even harder for people who actually need to transition, and have GRS for their personal well being, and I am sure that is not your intention at all.

Now with that being said we will try to help you through the process as much as we can.

Yep I agree with Mars and Susan.
This stuff has to be really really thought about before we go running into it.
It is all our own decisions in the end.
The psychs can only go off what we feed them really. Ther is no way they can tap into our brains. They think they can, but ultimately when one wants something they will get it, sometimes we don't realise we didn't really want it and we can't give it back.

Yeah I'm not too serious about the legal stuff but they have definitely missed a trick here.

Susan your words are harsh but then you don't know me. I presented as best I could but was suffering from PTSD. Two professional psychiatrists arguably should really have picked up on that. I nursed my son whilst he died in hospital over a two month period from 70% burns and other horrors and just 'blocked' it, then ran. They knew I had buried three children and really, really, should have pressed some questions.

You can't tell someone suffering from PTSD that they should have known. Sorry, Susan, but that's just wayward. My coping strategy for PTSD was a dissociative identity. Don't forget, 20% of transsexuals are running away from trauma. Any psychiatrist worth his or her salt should know that and ask the right questions.

This isn't the first time one of those two psychiatrists has come under the spotlight for something similar, as it happens.

Much more I could write.

Quote from: SailorMars1994 on March 28, 2017, 10:17:21 AM
Im going to be very unpopular here but I feel I must ask some important questions.. One, were you completely honest with your counselors. As in, did you explain to them you feel as if you have two different personalities due to pst trauma or did you down play it or not say anything  in hopes to press on with GRS or did you not even know you had DID at the time. There are people who do have DID and are in fact transgender/gender dysphoric by nature. Its much harder to diagnose someone with GD who has DID then someone who doesn't so if you were completely honest with them they should have in fact taken it slower and possibly found other methods to ease any dysphoria you probably felt and leave GRS as something for last after everything else was tried and it was a 100% sound decision.

With that said, how long was your transition? as from coming out and living full time to grs? 2 years, 5 years, ect?

Hiya
15 months from starting hormones to first GIC appointment
22 months from starting hormones to orchiectomy

They also made a big mistake re. my RLE. They wrote that I had been in RLE for 2 years which I hadn't. I had actually only been in RLE for 9 months when they recommended me for GRS.

I don't want to be unfair here. I was thorough, efficient and obsessed. I covered everything and was totally driven. Apparently I talked about nothing else. It was my sole focus. I can be persuasive and convincing when I'm on a mission ;) And I did present with female characteristics and desires from my childhood: though that's linked to post-abuse reaction, almost certainly.

In any normal circumstance they work with what we present. However, anyone presenting to a trained psychiatrist with my case history of deep trauma should have pressed questions ... and how. Someone with my case history of the deaths of three of their children and the horror (PTSD) from the last of those really should have picked it up. And it's certainly not right to blame a patient with PTSD for failing to self-diagnose.

x

In terms of helping others we must recognise that 1 in 5 transexuals are running away from trauma. Ongoing and deep counselling with psychiatry are really important not quick fire solutions based around a focus on whether or not you're dressing female or have officially changed your name.

DID is a fairly rare disorder so most would not pick up on it. In fact they would probably misdiagnosis it.  To be honest I have experience with someone with DID. I was married to her for ten years. I suggest holding off on changing genders until you have dealt with it and integrate your personalities but that is my opinion and it is your life.

Quote from: Rachel Richenda on March 28, 2017, 04:52:00 PM
Hiya
15 months from starting hormones to first GIC appointment
22 months from starting hormones to orchiectomy

They also made a big mistake re. my RLE. They wrote that I had been in RLE for 2 years which I hadn't. I had actually only been in RLE for 9 months when they recommended me for GRS.

I don't want to be unfair here. I was thorough, efficient and obsessed. I covered everything and was totally driven. Apparently I talked about nothing else. It was my sole focus. I can be persuasive and convincing when I'm on a mission ;) And I did present with female characteristics and desires from my childhood: though that's linked to post-abuse reaction, almost certainly.

In any normal circumstance they work with what we present. However, anyone presenting to a trained psychiatrist with my case history of deep trauma should have pressed questions ... and how. Someone with my case history of the deaths of three of their children and the horror (PTSD) from the last of those really should have picked it up. And it's certainly not right to blame a patient with PTSD for failing to self-diagnose.

x

I am glad you are kidding about the lawsuits. But, my heart does go out to you. I suggest however you do more then talk therpay. No offense but it aint helping ya. Why do I say that? because I too have had quite a bit of truama much like you but I havent had to bury 3 kids which by the way I am sorry you had to go through and am amazed you are still here trying to figure stuff out <3. But in my opinio talk therpay will not do too much for you but scratch the surface. May I suggest give EMDR therapy a try :)! We are here for you, rather you find that Rachel was just a safe place to cover from those problems or that Rachel is indeed who you are we want the best for you

Hugs-Ashley

Quote from: Rachel Richenda on March 28, 2017, 03:33:57 PM
Susan your words are harsh but then you don't know me. I presented as best I could but was suffering from PTSD. Two professional psychiatrists arguably should really have picked up on that...You can't tell someone suffering from PTSD that they should have known. Sorry, Susan, but that's just wayward. My coping strategy for PTSD was a dissociative identity. Don't forget, 20% of transsexuals are running away from trauma. Any psychiatrist worth his or her salt should know that and ask the right questions.

Most of the trans community is suffering from PTSD, that's not an exclusionary condition. You should have brought these issues up, and not expected them to dig them out. So, it is and was your responsibility.

All they are trying to figure out is if you have an underlying mental condition that limits your ability to make a decision, or that prevents  you from understanding the repercussions of your actions. That's the limit of their responsibility, and that isn't PTSD. You convinced them otherwise.

Quote from: SailorMars1994 on March 28, 2017, 08:54:50 PM
I am glad you are kidding about the lawsuits. But, my heart does go out to you. I suggest however you do more then talk therpay. No offense but it aint helping ya. Why do I say that? because I too have had quite a bit of truama much like you but I havent had to bury 3 kids which by the way I am sorry you had to go through and am amazed you are still here trying to figure stuff out <3. But in my opinio talk therpay will not do too much for you but scratch the surface. May I suggest give EMDR therapy a try :)! We are here for you, rather you find that Rachel was just a safe place to cover from those problems or that Rachel is indeed who you are we want the best for you

Hugs-Ashley

That's so sweet of you Ashley. Funnily enough I was discussing EMDR with my counsellor last week as she is qualified to use it.

Thank you so much. That kind of understanding response means such a lot to me.

xx

Quote from: Susan on March 29, 2017, 12:39:25 AM
Most of the trans community is suffering from PTSD, that's not an exclusionary condition. You should have brought these issues up, and not expected them to dig them out. So, it is and was your responsibility.

All they are trying to figure out is if you have an underlying mental condition that limits your ability to make a decision, or that prevents  you from understanding the repercussions of your actions. That's the limit of their responsibility, and that isn't PTSD. You convinced them otherwise.

You're missing the point, Susan. PTSD is a condition which blocks the actual traumatic event from your conscious memory. The trauma is not something you can simply speak about at a moment's notice. Think of a film / book like The Railway Man.

I nursed my son David for two months after he climbed an electricity pylon and survived with 70% burns, his arm amputated that night. The following two months whilst he had daily skin grafts under GA, and as my hopes soared and sank with every new piece of medical information, are a traumatic horror that I blocked from my conscious life. I couldn't grieve at the time because I was nursing him. I blocked it out: locked and jammed away as I ran, and ran and ran. This is what happens in PTSD and it's misleading, misguided and injurious to others to suggest someone simply brings that back up at a moment's notice. Psychiatrists should be sufficiently skilled to press the right questions of someone with a case history like mine.

Interestingly, I did have a telephone psychiatric assessment online from Thailand with a consultant based in the UK. And, unlike the GIC, he began to suss this out and ask the right searching questions. He worked that out in the space of a few minutes. But over a phone I could of course block and evade. The GiC have been very, very, poor in this regard. They are trained psychiatrists and anyone presenting with my case history should have been asked more searching questions than, 'have you changed your name?'

This isn't the first issue arising with the Dr in question: http://www.nottinghampost.com/procedures-followed-teacher-suicide/story-12251715-detail/story.html

Admin edit - Devlyn Marie

No not all PTSD blocks trauma. It depends on the person. I have it and I can remember most of it quiet well unfortunately. It affects people differently. Mine is closer to what vets have. Mine is on high alert 24/7 and has affected my health along with my mental health. It can cause the body to produce adrenaline which is good on a limited basis but not so good on a constant basis. I  have some heart problems as a result.  I do have triggers and I have to be careful because of  automatic reactions on my part. Being raised by a high functioning psychopathic ex military chemist was so much fun, not.

Rachel, you do feel kinda all over the place, I'm sorry for your losses and hardships. And that said, I don't think how you got to where you are is the point. You said initially that you changed your mind when you fell for a straight woman. I can certainly understand the conflict between wanting to be the person who can fill a role for others and I can't pass on what decided you on this fork in your path.

Under WPATH 7 hrt is effectively informed consent, however if you've changed your decision on surgery I can well imagine your medical team putting some extra scrutiny. I don't think it's fair to blame them for allowing you to transition, lots of us who do have one stripe or another of PTSD. And then I rarely focus on blame, I prefer to think about how to get from A to B or in your case B to A.

Fortunately hormones can be provided exogenously, I initially would have preferred to keep a testicle as a source of testosterone, my surgeon said that while yes that's been done, she's not willing because it wouldn't have support structure and that if post op I need testosterone for whatever reason, exogenous is fine.

Hell, come to it I'd have preferred to be hermaphroditic, however I also understand that that's not something available from surgery and also where I've come to in a year & 1/3 of RLE is a solid realization that among the options, yes I could survive as a male endowed feminine person but ultimately I'd want to be binary female. I know may feel differently after GCS because you just can't keep all other elements equal.

I'm sorry you're going through this and am sending you my best wishes for peace and happiness.

I have yet to see a single detransitioner over 21 years who was completely open and honest with their therapist in my personal opinion. In Rachel's own case they admit to doing this. "But over a phone I could of course block and evade;" trust me you can do it in person too. You had a goal and were not going to let anything get in the way.

I also have yet to see any that I can recall that accepts that they made specific and concrete decisions to proceed at each step of the way. Instead others are always responsible.

Many also shortcut the systems, (counseling, RLT, Letters from multiple doctors, etc) in place designed to prevent situations like these from occuring in the first place.

If PTSD was a disqualification very few trans people would ever be allowed to transition.

The political right in the U.S. loves to use stories like this one to try and paint us all as mentally ill and thus to deny us our human rights.

I am sorry you feel this way about what to me has been a wonderful and life changing experience.

I'm not sure I've managed to follow this, but I'd be tempted to reserve judgement on being trans or not at this point. It's quite possible to combine being trans with other issues. Wait until you see how you feel after going back on testesterone.

Quote from: Susan on March 29, 2017, 11:54:31 AM
I have yet to see a single detransitioner over 21 years who was completely open and honest with their therapist in my personal opinion. In Rachel's own case they admit to doing this. "But over a phone I could of course block and evade;" trust me you can do it in person too. You had a goal and were not going to let anything get in the way.

I also have yet to see any that I can recall that accepts that they made specific and concrete decisions to proceed at each step of the way. Instead others are always responsible.

Many also shortcut the systems, (counseling, RLT, Letters from multiple doctors, etc) in place designed to prevent situations like these from occuring in the first place.

If PTSD was a disqualification very few trans people would ever be allowed to transition.

The political right in the U.S. loves to use stories like this one to try and paint us all as mentally ill and thus to deny us our human rights.

I am sorry you feel this way about what to me has been a wonderful and life changing experience.

Thanks Susan and others for latest reflections.

It's a very tricky situation for me on a number of levels and I ask you to 'bear with.' Certainly my use of legal language was unhelpful, for which apologies.

It's certainly the case that getting together with a straight cis woman has affected things but, then, I only told her I loved her once I landed in Thailand for my orchiectomy. She said the same, which I knew, was prepared to accept me and boarded a flight to be with me. Therein lies a tale.

I'm not sure where things will land but today I reached a better place with my counsellor than I was in yesterday, so that should be a good thing.

Much love to you all

x

Quote from: AnonyMs on March 29, 2017, 12:26:36 PM
I'm not sure I've managed to follow this, but I'd be tempted to reserve judgement on being trans or not at this point. It's quite possible to combine being trans with other issues. Wait until you see how you feel after going back on testesterone.

Yes very much my counsellor's position too.

xx

Although you still got a road to go, I am glad you are getting better <3.

Rachel, I hope you find the right path for the rest of your life, no matter where it ends up leading you.

My sole disagreement hasn't been that you decided that this wasn't the right path for you, it's the responsibility issue. Nothing personal hon, it just a personal peeve of mine.

Quote from: AnonyMs on March 29, 2017, 12:26:36 PM
I'm not sure I've managed to follow this, but I'd be tempted to reserve judgement on being trans or not at this point. It's quite possible to combine being trans with other issues. Wait until you see how you feel after going back on testesterone.

Rachel, my heart goes out to you.  I'm extremely sympathetic for the history you have had to endure....I can't begin to imagine what impact nursing and burying your children would have on your soul.

I'm in agreement with the above statements.....I think a "confusing" relationship and your past traumas could certainly make you reconsider your decisions but they are not necessarily mutually exclusive with being Trans.  Take care.  Big hugs.

Quote from: Susan on March 28, 2017, 11:11:03 AM
Rachel I am gonna be blunt here.

So the only person YOU should be suing is YOURSELF.

Put on your big boy or girl panties, and deal with the repercussions of YOUR decisions, choices, and actions. Don't try to place fault with others, when it all started and ended with YOU.

That sound like my therapist and doctor said

I´m the only one choice in my live but i don't know what i want

Rachel, my best wishes to you
Your history touch my heart
Keep doind your best

I agree with Susan.  Lawsuits have been abused and all they do is make the attorneys rich at a great cost to the general public through increased prices for goods and services.

I know I'm just some person on the internet who doesn't know you but sometimes strangers can see things that others who are passionately involved in the passion of the moment might miss.

After reading thru a couple of your threads I note that about a month ago you said you are reclaiming richard and seeking testerone HRT.  But I also note that you are still posting under the name Rachel and still haven't changed your Susans.org gender marker from F as it still reads F.   Also, I note that your avatar hasn't changed either.

Are you having second thoughts about detransition?  Are you sure this is right for you?  I really wouldn't be so bold as to ask this if I didn't see these disparities that are to me really are quite striking.

Nope. No second thoughts. Just haven't been on this forum.

much love,

Richard x

Quote from: Susan on March 29, 2017, 11:54:31 AM
I am sorry you feel this way about what to me has been a wonderful and life changing experience.

And that's the key really. It's easy for us to 'take offense' when someone says transition didn't work for them because the news gets ahold of it or the detransitioner turns it around on the whole community with the attitude 'if it didn't work for me, it doesn't work for anyone.'

Doesn't seem like you're taking that stance Rachel so that's good. Do what's best for you. I'm sorry you've been through what you have but I hope you are on a road to a better life, one that's right for you.

That's so sweet of you Debra. I just posted this on another thread: https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php?topic=219370.new;topicseen#new

I massively admire those for whom transitioning is not a choice but an ontological truth: a state of being. I will always have nothing but admiration for those brave enough to see through their own inner and outer truth.

much love to you and all,

xxxx

Much soul searching reading this thread. I didn't pick up on it at the time but thinking back on each session with my counselor she asked questions that were perhaps trick questions to see where I was really at and coming from. Things like the same question but asked in a different way. I was always as honest as I could be with her and she referred me to an MD who thinking back asked many of the same questions. She then wrote scripts for HRT and set up the appointment with the Urologist for orchi which should be this summer.

So could I be making a mistake? This is a question I have asked myself literally thousands of times throughout my life and not once did the answer ever come back as "could be" or "maybe". Reading this thread is an eye opener and I asked the question again several times and being as honest with myself as I can I truly don't think so. So should what is the unthinkable happen and it does turn out to be a mistake is my counselor to blame? My MD? The Urologist? Or me? Should orchi be a mistake would I sue any of them? Not a chance in h*ll, the most they would hear from me is thank you cards for their caring and sincere effort to help me.

I agree with Susan in post #7 and the other poster that said the only ones to gain from most lawsuits are the ambulance ->-bleeped-<-s and everyone else suffers.

I'm clearly going through a huge upheaval and would have loved to have remained on here despite my confusion. This is a place and a space where, for the most part, I receive little judgement. I'm sure that someone like me can be a source of questioning for others, but that's never my aim. I'm going through intense counselling at the moment: serious sexual abuse as a child and the deaths and burial of three children. Last year I fell in love with a heterosexual cis female. Her daughters, as well as some others, rejected me to the point of utter despair and desperation. These are all things which have led me to massive self-questioning and to the brink of suicide. But I'm hanging on, just, by the fingernails.

I'd love to be back, preferably as 'me' and with some gentle guidance not heavy handedness. There's enough judgementalism in the outside world. I don't yet know where I'm at, or who I am. But I clearly have a strong feminine core. Could my old account by reopened?

Oh, and for the record, I haven't stopped taking estrogen for one single day. Does that tell its own story?

Much love and a huge thank you to Chris and SailorMars for your lovely comments.

Rachel Richard :)

p.p.s. no lawsuits I promise. I'm all over the place and need to hold a mirror to my face. When I do as Rachel I love myself. When I do as Richard I hate it.

Admin Note: Modified to comply with TOS 2.

I am so glad you are OK.., dam doesn't life serve us up some crap sandwiches..I hope you find your peace, whatever form that takes and I think your experience is invaluable wether you eventually continue to transition or not your insights in to what bought you to where you are will be really useful.

Liz

RR, I have been following your story and I am glad your back.  I am sorry you are going through a really tough time.  I hope you find some relief soon.  Be well.

--
Jill

Hi Dena,

Thanks for replying. I'm not sure I totally understand much of that (in a foggy frame of mind after another counselling session).

much love and thanks,

Rachel

I hope you and your girl can find a way to be happy, RR. Obviously, the daughters play some serious role in  your life's plans. If there's something I would be introspective about, it would be you and the woman you love letting people play you for marionettes puppets and interjecting themselves into your happiness. Because it would seem if they weren't in the picture, the rest of these problems would just cease to be an issue. Their transphobia is contagious. You appear to have caught it.  Keep that in mind and see if you two can't mitigate the source of this infection in some productive, constructive way. They don't need to be in every loop.  If you both can do it.... and create a united front, realize these people will go on to have their own lives very soon. I suspect you'll find at this point, you will never be 100 percent accepted by them and most likely are and will be sabotaged by them at every available opportunity. And this, regardless of your future presentation at this point. As has been said before "you can't un-see this".
...I think the answers you seek and need will present themselves with alacrity..... sooooooo good luck, sweetie! And please know that my advice is given from concern, not some pontificating Dais. I just would like to see you find some much deserved happiness. I think you may only be a few more epiphanies away. I have the greatest hopes for you! J

Oh my gosh, what an utterly gorgeous message Jentay. Thank you so much.

The love on here is overwhelming and incredible.

I'm going to allow your words to percolate through my being this evening. Thank you.

Rxx

Hi RRH,

I have also been following this thread. Hope you are able to find your happiness soon! Hang in there. Also, glad you realized a lawsuit wasn't the best idea.

Much love!

Quote from: R R H on March 27, 2017, 10:39:55 AM
Thanks so much for that Dani.

One of the things which shocked me was that although I had an endocrinologist appointment at the GiC, where I discussed my wish to detransition, the psychiatrists refused to speak to me even though they were in the building, and told me to come back in six weeks.

As you say, they really should have picked up the DID. Anyone presenting with my background: the deaths of three of my children (not to mention severe sexual abuse) should have had warning bells ringing with any psychiatrist who didn't have blinkered vision. I'm not impressed.

Rxx

Hey, just wanted to say that you're in my thoughts and you're an incredibly strong person for being able to not only go through the struggle of transition but the perhaps equal struggle of detransition. I too am a detransitioning FTM who was later diagnosed with DID as a result of severe childhood sexual abuse. I have a friend who is also detransitioning after realising that transitioning was just her way of dealing with childhood sexual trauma. I hope you get the medical treatments you need and I wish you the best in general. Stay strong!