Susan's Place Transgender Resources

I have recently accepted my true self, my desire to be a woman. My depression has gotten better. But I can't figure out why I should be happy about realizing I am in the wrong body. If I transition, I will lose friendships and my marriage will likely end. I worry about the relationships that will change with my three children who are all in their twenties. Not all of them will necessarily understand. So emotionally I am in a better place realizing who I am, but why should I be happy about being like this. It will ruin a lot in my life that is important to me. It is like a bad trick of nature.

Simple: The alternative is much worse. You'll be sad, depressed "man" who can't stop thinking about the life she's never lived, the chance she wasn't brave enough to take.

Yes, you might lose your friends, family or job. But in turn, you'll have sought yourself and faced your fears. There are no do-overs in life.

It is not something most transgender people are happy about. It is something that just happens and we have to accept it. Unfortunately for some of us transitioning is not a choice and we bare the consequence of losing friends family and more in order to survive.

I also felt like a bad trick is being played on me by God, Well a lot of people get crap to deal with in their life cancer and disabilities plaque the world. It is just the cards you have been dealt with in life and the best we can do to live with it.
I too lost my wife and some family and friends too being transgender and living out who I feel I must be. But it is what we have to do to survive sometimes.

But in the process I gained a lot also that I tend to overlook I made friends that I would have never made as male and met someone that I would have never met to spend my life with that is good for me.

I think you can experience joy from the realization and resulting actions, even though those come at a loss and sometimes a pretty high price beyond that. Just the acts of aligning yourself to your real self and then getting rid of any bad mental effects of the misalignment is pretty freeing.

This doesn't mean there won't be other problems or it will perfectly eliminate all of the old issues, but there is happiness out there.

Unfortunately there is nothing more important in our lives than ourselves.
If there was maybe we could get by without ever dealing with this, but there isn't.
If we are not truly happy with ourselves how can we truly ever be happy with anyone or anything else in our lives?

It's a great first step to being truly happy, and you can already feel your depression lifting.
Happy for you :)

It's a rebirth.  Birth is always painful.

If you dwell too much on the negative, and on the past, you might just miss the amazing journey that awaits you.

I am a spouse of a non transitioned Transgender MtF. I am trying to be so supportive of him (he prefers his male pronouns). We just started seeing a gender therapist on Tuesday. I have to say I have had a lot of ups and downs with this. Reading your post brought me to tears because for one, I can't imagine my life with out my husband. I am talking about him as a person but I'm also referring to how I can't imagine my life without him as my HUSBAND.... it's very difficult to come to terms with actually. For him as well. I too am scared of loosing friends and family. I'm scared about what it could do to our 13 year old daughter also. Right now my husband and I talk about his desires and wishes, I allow him to dress anytime he wants when we are home alone. I also let him experience feeling womanly during our intimate times. But I really want to hold on to my HUSBAND. I try to tell myself that I would never leave him if he went full time as a woman but I'm not 100% about that. I think I would feel like I'm giving up my life as a heterosexual woman and putting her in the closet for my husband to come out of the closet.

I can totally understand how you would wonder why you should be happy about this realization. It's scary and no one wants to loose anyone they love. I feel for you. You never know. They may accept you for you. I'm not sure if my husband is willing to give up his whole life as he has known it to be after 42 years. But everyone is on a different spectrum of being Trans. Good luck to you. I'll be thinking of you ❤.

Quote from: Amoré on March 30, 2017, 09:24:33 AM
I also felt like a bad trick is being played on me by God, Well a lot of people get crap to deal with in their life cancer and disabilities plaque the world. It is just the cards you have been dealt with in life and the best we can do to live with it.

Wow, this is exactly how I felt throughout my life...I'm not a religious person, but I believe in "some" higher power that played a trick.  It felt like this was a way of balancing out all the positive things that worked out so well for me.

So many of us go through our lives sacrificing our happiness and core fulfillment for those around us.  When we get to a point where we NEED to do something so important for ourselves we feel like we are being overly selfish and hurtful to those that we protected.

Be 100% truthful to yourself and those around you.  After you come to terms with your needs, let your family understand how you have been hurting and this is vitally important to your mental (and possibly physical) health.  Would they rather have a hollow (possibly deceased) man/husband/father or a happy/healthy/fulfilled woman in their life?

You're not happy that your gender doesn't match your sex, you're happy to express your true self, finally.

I think my relationship fell apart ironically because I wasn't transitioning, that I was constantly being affected by the depression, and other factors of living in a closet that's too small. The woman in question was pretty liberal, and open to things sexually, so I doubt it would have been a problem for her, heck even if it was a problem she would've loved to become best friends instead.

I'm incredibly happy about this most days. I'm still in a bit of shock that most trans people online aren't as happy as I am. I seem to have a different take on this than most, though. Before coming here, I mostly just lived my life as if I were a woman, and didn't worry that much that I came off more as a metrosexual or feminine gay guy than trans woman. I still don't really, and question why I would need to transition much farther than that.

For me, facial hair and body hair must be gone, and head hair must be longish for me to feel like a woman. That's it really, and I just love the look and feel of women's clothes also, so that's what I mostly wear. I also usually wear light makeup and earrings. I still come off as a feminine guy to most people, and so what.

If you choose to look at being trans as a bad thing that happened to you, it is difficult to be happy about it. Am I really the only one with an attitude towards being trans like this?

I'll not lie, there are parts of transition, especially in the beginning, that really suck.  The potentially bad reactions of family and friends are high on that list.

But I found lots of things to be joyful about.  For one thing, I narrowly averted spending my remaining years in a dreary existence as  someone else's idea of who I should be.  I have been clanking around in a suit of emotional armour all my life.  I was happy to take it off after all these years.  I am happy to be able to go forward now as myself. 

I am happy for the reaction of my wife.  For all my fears about how badly she would take the news, she really came through for me.  Talk about testing her committment to me!  She is my biggest supported, and we are closer than we ever were before.  Happy doesn't begin to describe how I feel about this.

I am happy too at all the support I find from the people around me.  I have been coming out to selected people for months now, and I have not had a single bad reaction.  Everyone has been enthusiastically supportive, even total strangers, like the hairdresser today when I was wig shopping. 

Mostly, I am happy to be myself.  I spent yesterday in the city as Kathy.  No worries about running into someone I know, no worries about whether I got clocked or not.  Just me being me, window shopping, going to a coffee shop, chilling with some friends.  The freedom was amazing. 

And I couldn't have had that experience without plunging through the sucky parts.

Quote from: VeronicaLynn on March 30, 2017, 01:32:58 PM
I'm incredibly happy about this most days. I'm still in a bit of shock that most trans people online aren't as happy as I am. I seem to have a different take on this than most, though. Before coming here, I mostly just lived my life as if I were a woman, and didn't worry that much that I came off more as a metrosexual or feminine gay guy than trans woman. I still don't really, and question why I would need to transition much farther than that.

For me, facial hair and body hair must be gone, and head hair must be longish for me to feel like a woman. That's it really, and I just love the look and feel of women's clothes also, so that's what I mostly wear. I also usually wear light makeup and earrings. I still come off as a feminine guy to most people, and so what.

If you choose to look at being trans as a bad thing that happened to you, it is difficult to be happy about it. Am I really the only one with an attitude towards being trans like this?

I'm on board with feeling that way. I'm glad that I'm transgender, and  surprised that so many see it as a negative. We're traditionally revered by societies because of our unique condition, and  that is how I view myself: unique.  :)

Hugs, Devlyn

Don't transition if you don't have to.
It can be a brutally hard path and many don't make it. You could lose everything.

Quote from: Devlyn Marie on March 30, 2017, 02:06:47 PM
I'm on board with feeling that way. I'm glad that I'm transgender, and  surprised that so many see it as a negative. We're traditionally revered by societies because of our unique condition, and  that is how I view myself: unique.  :)

Hugs, Devlyn

There's a huge difference between coming to terms with it, accepting it and pushing forward, than being "glad" that you're transgender.  Would you rather be transgender than a CIS-woman, or is that not "unique" enough?  Do you enjoy going through an awkward stage during transition, being somewhat of a social outcast and having a mind and body that don't match from birth?  I can't imagine too many trans folks on here that believe this is a blessing compared to being born, raised and have lived completely as their identified gender.  This is not a life that I would wish upon anyone....being confused, depressed, angry and constantly considering what could have been if things aligned properly.   Am I happy that I've started my journey to matching what I've always felt inside with the outside and living the rest of my days authentically?  Absolutely! .....would I have traded being Trans for being a CIS-female and experiencing my entire life as a girl/woman.....in half a heart beat.

Glad? Happy? about being Trans...nope not me

Nope can't say I feel that way...but I am who I am and now that I understand myself I am much happier and the only real grief in my life comes from outside influences. Other people make me feel bad about myself...I am perfectly happy being me but am I "glad" or "happy" about being born Trans? No I would sooner have been born cis and forgone the crap shoot that being trans can be.

Liz

Quote from: staciM on March 30, 2017, 04:22:00 PM

Quote from: Devlyn Marie on March 30, 2017, 02:06:47 PM
I'm on board with feeling that way. I'm glad that I'm transgender, and  surprised that so many see it as a negative. We're traditionally revered by societies because of our unique condition, and  that is how I view myself: unique.  :)

Hugs, Devlyn

There's a huge difference between coming to terms with it, accepting it and pushing forward, than being "glad" that you're transgender.  Would you rather be transgender than a CIS-woman, or is that not "unique" enough?

I'd rather be transgender. I'm not a woman, I'm genderfluid.

QuoteDo you enjoy going through an awkward stage during transition

I didn't. Others may have found me awkward, but that isn't my problem. 

Quotebeing somewhat of a social outcast and having a mind and body that don't match from birth?

People love me, I don't recall any social outcast days. I discovered that I was transgender about ten years ago now.

I feel as though you're trying to discount my experiences because they don't match what others have experienced.  There is no One Right Way to be transgender.  :)

Hugs, Devlyn

Quote from: ElizabethK on March 30, 2017, 04:45:07 PM
Glad? Happy? about being Trans...nope not me

Nope can't say I feel that way...but I am who I am and now that I understand myself I am much happier and the only real grief in my life comes from outside influences. Other people make me feel bad about myself...I am perfectly happy being me but am I "glad" or "happy" about being born Trans? No I would sooner have been born cis and forgone the crap shoot that being trans can be.

Liz

yup.....what Liz has expressed. Pretty much nails it.

Devlyn, I'm certainly not discounting your thoughts being gender fluid but I think you can agree that it is quite a lot different of an experience than being transexual.  This is probably why you may feel glad/happy with being transgender and are surprised by others negativity.   Yes, we are all technically by definition "transgender", but crossdressers vs gender fluid vs two spirited vs intersex vs Transexual vs whatever can be completely unique in how they feel about their "condition" (for the sake of a better word).  I'll assume (apologies if I misspeak) that because you are gender fluid you more comfortable in your body, however you express your gender.  However, we (binary) transexuals have a direct and "simple" misalignment of mind and body and as a result there is severe torment until the two can be brought closer together.  Based on this, I can't imagine transexuals ever being happy being born transgender.....honestly, it's hell.

 

Yes, I am comfortable with my body, I should have included that in my  reply.

As to the transgender/ transsexual distinction, we ARE in Transgender Talk. I may not have replied at all if the  topic was in Transsexual Talk and the target audience was limited to transsexuals. Given the location, I didn't think my comment was out of  line.  :)

Hugs, Devlyn

Quote from: Devlyn Marie on March 30, 2017, 07:43:06 PM
Yes, I am comfortable with my body, I should have included that in my  reply.

As to the transgender/ transsexual distinction, we ARE in Transgender Talk. I may not have replied at all if the  topic was in Transsexual Talk and the target audience was limited to transsexuals. Given the location, I didn't think my comment was out of  line.  :)

Hugs, Devlyn

I agree, it's not out of line....but in this instance, regardless of how the thread was classified, I believe the distinction is important to dissect the core question(s) in the topic.

I have to transition.  Not transitioning means suffering painful, debilitating panic attacks for the rest of my life, and after eleven years of panic attacks I had really run out of alternatives.

But here is a thought:  Today I found out something about a guy I have been working with for the past eight months.  This guy is about 15 years younger than me, and has a beautiful wife and two small children.  He also has an inoperable brain tumor.  The doctors already got as much of it as they could, and he has an implanted chemo pump attacking the rest of it.

So, there are worse things than this. 

Quote from: staciM on March 30, 2017, 07:57:27 PM
I agree, it's not out of line....but in this instance, regardless of how the thread was classified, I believe the distinction is important to dissect the core question(s) in the topic.

I feel  compelled to  point out that I was replying to VeronicaLynn as a sidebar. I was not addressing the O/P's question directly.

Hugs, Devlyn

Quote from: Devlyn Marie on March 30, 2017, 05:20:34 PM


I'd rather be transgender. I'm not a woman, I'm genderfluid.

Honestly I thought you were full out woman and not genderfluid for some reason. Still, you do make a pretty woman :)!

I am overjoyed to have my depression lift from accepting my true self, but I am with StaciM. I would chose to be cisgender in a heart beat. If I decide to transition, I face the prospect of potentially losing family and dear friends and potentially feeling alone. If you think I should feel happy about that prospect think again! It sucks!

Honestly I fail to see why I should be happy about what I am when it has caused me so much misery.  Instead I am happy with what I am able to become.  I am able to become what I have always been inside.  If I could have been born a cis girl, I would happily switch.

For me, being transsexual has been a millstone around my neck for my entire life and I just want to be what I always should have been.  I don't want congratulations, I don't want to be lauded for it, I just want to be me.  I've nearly died several times because of it, nearly been crippled while running from it, and lived a life of misery because of it.  Will transition bring me happiness?  Honestly merely accepting it and formulating a plan of action already has.  I am happier and more upbeat than I have ever been, I am more at peace, and the relationship with my girlfriend is blossoming in ways I never imagined possible.  This condition has been my lifelong curse, but she is such a blessing I cannot put it into words.  Not having to lie every day to the one closest to me is wonderful.

People like Delvyn can have more fun with this, and honestly I think they should.  The genderfluid folks definitely need the ability to not care quite so much about what others think, or just plain enjoy confusing the occasional ignorant person.  If you are genderfluid, have a sense of humor about yourself, and enjoy causing a little chaos now and again, I think you're in a perfect place.  That said, I imagine you'd need pretty thick skin to manage in that life.  I've done some pretty stupid(some say heroic) stuff, but I don't know if I'd be able to hack it as genderfluid even if it suited me.  Hats off to you folks, you definitely have my respect.

I guess it just didn't cause me nearly as much misery as some.  People called me names, and I would call them other names back. If they hit me, I'll hit them back harder. I knew from a young age things would be much easier if I had just been born with a girl's body, but I don't think it was all that bad being in this one. I was always a rather feminine though, maybe the fact that I was never really able to come off as a masculine guy, was actually a good thing. I tried pretty hard to so the last few years of college and when I first got out into the real world, thinking it would help in my career and dating life but it didn't really work. People always saw through it. People liked me more how I was before I tried that.

I didn't mean to imply you should be happy to lose family and friends. I don't think someone who doesn't accept me if they find out I'm trans is really my friend. That doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt. Family is a lot more complicated, and I don't think mine will be accepting, so I simply distanced myself from mine as much as possible. I never married and don't have kids though, so it was much easier for me to do this.

It is nice to find someone else that is glad they are transgender, Devlyn. I labeled myself genderfluid too up until recently.  I moved away from the genderfluid label because I don't really ever want to present as a cishet guy anymore, and it messes with my head if I think too much about if I'm feeling more masculine or feminine at any given moment. I just always feel I'm transgender.

Quote from: karenk1959 on March 30, 2017, 08:20:01 PM
I am overjoyed to have my depression lift from accepting my true self, but I am with StaciM. I would chose to be cisgender in a heart beat. If I decide to transition, I face the prospect of potentially losing family and dear friends and potentially feeling alone. If you think I should feel happy about that prospect think again! It sucks!

But you can't be cis. You never will be. So what other options do you have? Lying to yourself and to your 'dear' friends? If you're so afraid about losing them that you need to tell them a constant lie; perhaps they're not really friends?

Sometimes life sucks girl, and you're the one who's got to deal with it. You can keep talking about it, but in the end you're the one who's going to have to make it work. This whole thing has taugth me one thing: to stop complaining about the things you can't change, and to start working on the things you can.

So be brave, take a deep breath and go for it.

Sometimes it is all about what you focus on and your choices of who you hang out with etc. I know from experience depression and anxiety can be part of all of this. Many of us go to therapists to deal with the negative aspects of both GD and then adapting while in transition, as the GD goes away. Not all trans people have GD to deal with.

On many levels i am fortunate. I've looked at life from both sides now, as the song that Joni Mitchell sang tells us.

One of the biggest keys to all of this in my mind is not be isolated and have as many people around you that support you and like your company as possible. People are not meant to be alone very much. That takes work to get out there though. Another thing this gives you is an inflection point to consider the rest of your health, things like activity, weight, diet, etc.

1. I'm a transexual.
2. I'm glad I'm transgender. At this point I wouldn't have it any other way.
3. I think that #transisbeautiful.

Actually, as odd as this sounds, in recent weeks I have decided that I am happy to be transgender.   It's not a choice I made, but simply an acknowledgment that this is what I am, what reflects my nature, and a reasonable adjective to describe one aspect of me.

A variety of less reasonable adjectives had been used to describe me growing up, ones with a severe stigma attached, that did not accurately reflect me, but rather the broad assumptions others made about me based on their misinformation and misinterpretations.  Those adjectives are definitely not me.

I understand what being transgender really means, what my nature really is, and I know that this has opened up possibilities in my life that were denied to my by those older less reasonable adjectives.  I've examined those possibilities and have chosen a path forward for my life that has made me happier and more at peace with myself than I had been for decades.

Being transgender means I can finally, at last have joy in my life.  Why would I not be happy about this?

I agree, this feels very much like a cruel trick of nature. I would give anything to be cis gender. Male or female, it doesn't matter as long as my brain and body match. I would prefer cis male because if I was female I never would have met my wife.

I have also recently accepted being trans and my depression has eased but I am certainly not happy about it. I have even reached the point of starting HRT and have an appointment with an endocrinologist in late May. Not because I want to but because I don't think I am left with a choice.

To me being trans is like a cancer. I did not ask for it, I do not want it, it is turning my life upside down. All I can do is accept it and take whatever steps necessary to ease my mental torment. I am certainly not happy about it, it's just the crappy hand I've been dealt. But as others have said, there is always somebody out there that has been dealt a worse hand, so I just need to do the best with what I have.

I envy the people who are happy being trans. That is the right fit for them. The right fit for me would have been to be cis.

No point getting too worked up over something that is not my fault and cannot be changed. Just try and accept and move on and try and find happiness with what we have.

I hope you find some peace.

Jessie

There is no point in trying to convince yourself to be happy about being trans. You simply are who you are. Once you understand and accept who you are you can find some level of inner peace with yourself. Finding that, is what you can feel happy about.

Not everyone needs to transition. Maybe you don't. Only you can figure that out. For me, I have known who I was since I was four. I also learned really early that it was not ok for me to play with girls toys with my cousin or even jump rope with the girls in school. I learned what was allowed by society of the day and what was not. I then spent the next 36 years actively and angrily avoiding anything seen as feminine around anyone else. I'm certainly not happy I was born this way but I so wish the information was out there when I was younger. Looking back I see so many miserable years of my life wasted. Now I see hope. I feel so much better. It is scary no doubt. There is so much prejudice out there still. Just being feminine as a distinctually male body right now brings unwelcome attention. It's hard but for the first time in life I'm being real.

You all sound very brave.
Yes, I get what you mean..transition or suffer worse consequences.
As a partial transmale, I've not had to physically transition, thanks to a Thai herb that seems to ease dysphoria. but I found I must acknowledge it to people close to me, and allow myself to dress androgynously to avoid offending my male side.
One can transition just far as it takes to ease dysphoria, and leave it at that.

Quote from: Jessie007 on April 01, 2017, 12:05:16 AM
I agree, this feels very much like a cruel trick of nature. I would give anything to be cis gender. Male or female, it doesn't matter as long as my brain and body match...

...To me being trans is like a cancer. I did not ask for it, I do not want it, it is turning my life upside down. All I can do is accept it and take whatever steps necessary to ease my mental torment. I am certainly not happy about it, it's just the crappy hand I've been dealt. But as others have said, there is always somebody out there that has been dealt a worse hand, so I just need to do the best with what I have.

This is pretty much how I see it too. Life would certainly be easier if I'd been born cis (male or female), but it's just the way it is.

Quote from: josie76 on April 01, 2017, 05:22:26 AM
There is no point in trying to convince yourself to be happy about being trans. You simply are who you are. Once you understand and accept who you are you can find some level of inner peace with yourself. Finding that, is what you can feel happy about.

Josie your comment here pretty much sums up how I feel about it. In my earlier response I struggled to convey what you have said....Self acceptance is just so important because without it, I would never get out the door in the morning.

Liz

I can't even imagine what you are going through.

One thing I have always done, and HAD to do to survive, was to focus on things I love to do; on hobbies, obsessions, whatever excited me.

If you love to read, read. If you love to hike, hike. If you love to build things, do that. If you love to travel, do that.
I realize that US cismen are typically controlled by their women..only allowed to go to work, and must spend all their spare time and money on their wives if they want to keep their relationships. So your girlfriend might not be happy if you start pursuing hobbies, since she likely expects only typical cismale behavior.

It has been a long journey for me and it has sometimes been really hard. Last five years has been worst. Like many of you I came to that point that the only possible way is to start transition. It's about surviving in a way. If any other way could ease the pain I would choose that way. It would be so much easier in all other aspects of life.

I believe it's important to be honest to you self and realize what you are and what options you have. Don't rush into things. You have time to make your choices.
/Johanna

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