Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Hey all, just wanted to get this off my chest.
I have been really struggling with the loneliness that I feel since coming out to my parents. I haven't spoken to dad in months and my mom has gotten so cold and harsh.
She never replies to half of what I say to her anymore, we wher super close, I called home every night.
And my uncle here managed to get me to go see some religious councilor friend of his in a Church next Thursday :/
Mum has been holding on to the hope that I will be "converted",.

Will things ever be normal again?
Makes me wonder about coming out atall, loosing all my friends. Not that I have too many but still.
It so sad how they can't understand how much of myself I sacrificed for ther happiness :(

I know that online friends typically don't count, but I'll be your friend.  Your profile doesn't say where you live but if you are in the US and anywhere east of the Mississippi river north of let's say the Mason-Dixon line... let me know and we'll do lunch one day.  (or meet in Las Vegas ... you never know!)

I'm not sure what a Religious Counselor is, but maybe you can convert them.

I'm sorry your family isn't treating you better, and that they aren't showing you the loyalty that you showed them.

I'd reconsider going to the councilor, unless you really think he has something good to say. I highly doubt anything he says will be good for your mental health, if he just tells you a bunch of "trans is a sin" BS.

I hope you find some new people, whose love isn't so conditional.

Thanks you two. And Yea Denise I count you as a friend here. I am living in Switzerland, originally from Ireland, so I am a little lost :/. Launch a day would be great though :')
I dunno what to expect from this councilor guy, my uncle thinks he is great, of course he is super religious too.
I really hope they don't trash me... For my life. I can do nothing about it, I most definitely would if I could.

It just downs me to no end seeing no message from my mum every now and then like it used to be.
I feel myself welling up just typing this. Why do be people have to be so cruel :(

Even at my age it sucks when your parents won't show any support towards you. My mum went missing for about 18months after I came out to her. Each time I would skype call them she would disappear and I would have these horrible transphobic conversations with my father. It got really bad until another family member stepped in and told them to pull their heads in a bit. That took over 18months but today they saw a picture of me for the first time and were genuine in their beautiful comments.

I know how tough it is to keep going back, but if you are able just to keep that conversation going somehow, keep those lines of communication open, let them see you are still you. There remains a chance you may even get the relationship working again one day. But one thing is for certain if the door is not left open then reconciliation has very little chance of happening.

Liz

I had some rough times with my parents over the years, there were times when we didn't speak for months, we didn't part on the best of terms when I moved out from home.

Parents sometimes have a hard time understanding that transition is absolutely needed and they feel that they are loosing something and a lot of times they fear that you will ruin your life by transitioning and they are not willing to participate in anything that (from their perspective) harms you. And if religion and 'what others will think' comes in, it can be even harder for them. They have to realize at some point that it's their behavior that hurts you and not your decision to live true to yourself.

In the last two years my relationship with my parents seems to be improving, we'll see how they'll react after seeing official documentation with my new name on it. They haven't seen my in male mode for years and the email address they know is under my new name already so they have time to get used to the idea.

Give them some time, live your life, be the best daughter you can be without sacrificing yourself completely and as others have said, keep communicating because that will be the key to repair the relationship with your parents.

ChristineRachel,

First let me say I enjoy your postings and find you strikingly beautiful with a certain sense of sass in your pictures. Wish you could be full time cause you rock!

I think others have said in previous posts that we tend to build a whole new support structure based on living our lives as a woman instead of a man and that makes sense. I am not sure if you have developed new hobbies etc that would lead to other friends but that is something to consider.

As a Christian I am (insert negative emotion) at the way most in the church handle transgender people and the whole topic in general. I would be pleasantly surprised if they didn't try to "cure" you. So many link their thoughts about transgender to their sin issue with homosexuality that it clouds there judgement and any ability to really see what we are. I believe there are 31,705 verses in the Bible and approximately 7 deal with homosexuality, thats seven not seven thousand, but they treat it like its half the Bible sometimes and transgender gets dragged into the mix. Ugh!

As a parent and also someone who was estranged from my Mom for three years or so I certainly can feel for you. Having a transgender child would be hard for any parent to process, especially the mom because they feel responsible for every breath and decision the child makes, no matter the age. It takes time to heal on all parts and there is no telling whether dad will ever allow the healing given the way men process things.

My suggestion is to commit to sending her cards. Say one a week. Old fashion pen to paper and share your heart and your appreciation for all of the little things she has done along the way and your commitment to her. Eventually I believe that love will win the day because a mom does not want separation from her kids.

Meanwhile those of us living in boring places will swoon over your exotic locale ;D

I'm a partial transmale who spent my life living as a female, but having a mind wired more like a male.

Females, especially religious ones, tend to use passive aggressive/religious guilt methods to punish/control offspring who aren't living exactly as they wish.
My mom would stop writing or contacting me when I was at college if I said anything at all that didn't match her beliefs, to punish me.
My sister still does this.

Being of a male mind, I either didn't notice or didn't care. If my mom didn't write me, I never missed her letters because they were mostly lectures on what I should be doing. I make sporadic attempts to communicate with my sister but she has been annoyed with me most of my adult life due to my clueless male behavior.

I did become close to my mother in last five years of her life, when I lived in the same house but that was only after we did a bit of emotional healing stuff, and none of it had anything to do with my being partially trans, since I only realized what I was in 2013, and my parents passed in 2008.

You don't have to obey your uncle at all. Just laugh and say something glib about having other plans, and if they get pushy, just say "Naw, I don't think so," and immediately change the subject.

Maybe it's time to make new connections and friends who accept you, and let your relatives sort things out for themselves. As long as you are needy and beg for their approval, they can punish you for trying to be yourself.

Here is a link to resources in transgender Switzerland, and I'm sure there are many more. Maybe you could attend a support group, or find transfriends nearby:
https://www.angloinfo.com/how-to/switzerland/family/lgbt

Quote from: ChristineRachel on March 31, 2017, 11:57:36 AM
Will things ever be normal again?
Makes me wonder about coming out atall, loosing all my friends. Not that I have too many but still.
It so sad how they can't understand how much of myself I sacrificed for ther happiness :(

They might not be. For some people transition really does mean starting a new life, making new friends, and finding others who will be equivalent to family. If you were just used and underappreciated, and if they will never make the effort, you may as well consider them a lost cause. Mine were a lost cause long ago before any of this stuff came to light. It's sad, but at least you can escape it and find better people.

Thanks all of y'all.
I see my best approach would probably be simply keeping convo alive, even if it is not as frequent.
Maybe they will eventually feel sorry for just letting me fade out of their lives?... Maybe they will see something that changes their minds on the topic.
And Raell that's a good point, about the male mind. In general males will beore lone wolf and not rely as much on there parents or siblings.
I was always very female in that regard, I clung onto them, I always talk with them, and now nothing.
My neediness for them got even worse as Hormones and my changes started happening. I feel like a little girl developing and now no one wants to help me or talk to me about changes, I duno I always seen it as a very mother daughter experience... :/
And thanks Dana, maybe I do get a little Sassy when I am cleaned up, I spend all my time a bum. When I finally get the chance to be me, I am on fire.
I will see what happens with this religious guy, if he commits to downing me I am walking out, he knows nothing of the workings of God as do I. Being nice to others is all it really boils down too
Hopefully things do work out, it has been very tough after Christmas, I love my family, and if I didn't have to transition I wouldn't.
And yea making new friends is so hard when you are not out, things is It don't want to while I am not out, making more friendships based on that lie that is my old life is a waste of time.
Thanks for all your help guys, it really helps my mental

hey, this is a life where you will have to grow up very much faster! if your parents cannot provide support, so be it! you are an adult and exceptionnal person. Seek support around you in the present rather than in you past. Try to understand that parents do the best they can for you, and somtimes they can't enough.

Immediate family members often have a difficult time coming to accept our decisions. Some members of my group went as long as 10-15 years before some level recognition (as in actually speaking, even with a name slip or pronoun slip).

Right now they are still in shock and are hoping/praying "It is a Phase"

Hence the Go-To route of "conversion". Sadly a religious therapist will likely try to leverage the lifetime of Shame & Guilt harvested inside of you in order to get you to see the light.  Be Strong and true to your true self

Thanks Sophie and Joanne,
Trust me I have enough time spent trying to convert myself.
If I couldn't do it no one can.
I just hope he doesn't leave me feeling depressed, as I do believe in God.
It's a very simple way off looking at God for me,  but those Religious people have so over complicated the whole thing, people can't be bothered with it anymore :/

No need to see the religious nut conversion therapy guy at all!

Why would you even want to put yourself in their power? Just say you've changed your mind and don't go!

Here's an effective technique: when people treat you in a negative manner, simply let your attention wander, then say you have to be somewhere, and LEAVE. Only look at people and smile at them when they behave in a positive manner toward you. Very quickly, you'll teach them to only be nice to you if they want your attention.

It worked on my parents, when they kept accusing and attacking me whenever my daughter and I visited. I'd say, look at the time, well, we gotta run! Love you! See you around, and we'd leave. This only happened twice before they changed their tune.

You must be consistent and NOT need their approval. Find new friends from links to connect with transgender peers.
As for God, have you even read the Bible?
It's filled with laws telling people to stone children who talk back, who pick up things on Saturday, who touch unclean things, etc. It's a book that sounds like ISIS law. No reason to let anyone start using one verse out of it to condemn you. Whoever they are have cooked food on Saturday and should be stoned, according to the same Old Testament laws they are using to condemn you.

Religion is all about controlling people..especially women, who men were allowed to buy and sell in the Old Testament.

I agree with  Raell , I wouldn't  go to that guy... he will only have one point of view... his!
they will want you to desist..... which is something  you cannot do.... so don't  waste your time it starts off  nice but gets heavy the further you go
You make a beautiful  woman.... It was written  in your genetics  it's so plain to see....
negative  people are a plague  .....avoid them stand your ground 

Quote from: Raell on April 02, 2017, 11:48:03 PM
Here's an effective technique: when people treat you in a negative manner, simply let your attention wander, then say you have to be somewhere, and LEAVE.

And this is easier done if you arrange for someone to call you. At that point you'll have the choice to leave (eg. "a friend's granny just passed and she needs me, sorry let's catch up later") or stay if if you're not too uncomfortable.

I have read quite abit of it yes, but I don't take it so literally.
Thanks Markie, I think even though most are advising me otherwise, I am gonna go ahead a meet him now.
More so for curiosity, he will not deter me, I know who I am
If he gets checky to me I am outa there. I will only do this once too as he is miles away too :@
And actually expects abit of payment, pffftt

I can relate to the loneliness aspect of it, and I've only been actively working towards transition for about 3 months. The hardest part for me is that people just don't have any way of understanding where I'm coming from. My wife & the few friends I've come out to have been incredibly supportive, but I can't help but feel isolated. I can only imagine how my parents & siblings will react, much less my ultra-conservative grandparents and extended family who I have no intention of including in my plans until I'm nearing the time to come out. Resources like Susan's, long distance conversations with a friend from college who came out a couple years before me, and being myself in safe spaces like therapy & voice lessons helps immensely and has given me an opportunity to practice presenting totally female while I work on my transition. Going to a religiously oriented counselor for LGBT matters immediately raises red flags for me, particularly if it is being recommended by someone who doesn't particularly support you. If you feel as though it could be beneficial then go for it, but please be careful and be prepared to listen to to ignorance and misunderstanding and try not to let anything negative they might have to say affect you.

Hey all. :D

So I went to this guy yesterday afternoon. The Religious councilor.
Spent like hours in there, it was actually really good. He was kind and listened non judgementally.
I was surprised really.
Just talked about my life and how I feel and why I think I feel this way, and what he thinks can happen.
It's funny as a trans person who has been down all the mental roads and ways of thinking, ther was nothing really he threw at me that caught me off guard.
I've been there done that mentally already.
I told him how I see things very simply now, I have stopped worrying about what it means to be trans, or why I am trans, or trying not to be trans. Things do still get me down from time to time, but not because of me being trans, its others around me that bring me down.
I must learn to get passed that, and for certain of these people simply give them time!
I was very surprised by this whole experience in many ways so far.
Mostly good surprises, my life feels right since begining it all, and I am so greatful I could do this.
I am also so grateful that yesterday went so well and he didn't justs sass me all the way to the inferno lol
Anyway thats it for now.
Thank you girls and guys for all your help too, you are wee stars <33

Quote from: Fresas con Nata on April 03, 2017, 12:57:03 PM
And this is easier done if you arrange for someone to call you. At that point you'll have the choice to leave (eg. "a friend's granny just passed and she needs me, sorry let's catch up later") or stay if if you're not too uncomfortable.

There are fake phonecall apps too! Super easy... Just let your mind wander, make a comment about the weather and BANG! Marie calls because her cat tried to jump in the pool again (silly cat). Now you've gotta go and help her...

Quote from: ChristineRachel on March 31, 2017, 11:57:36 AM
Hey all, just wanted to get this off my chest.
I have been really struggling with the loneliness that I feel since coming out to my parents. I haven't spoken to dad in months and my mom has gotten so cold and harsh.
She never replies to half of what I say to her anymore, we wher super close, I called home every night.
And my uncle here managed to get me to go see some religious councilor friend of his in a Church next Thursday :/
Mum has been holding on to the hope that I will be "converted",.

Will things ever be normal again?
Makes me wonder about coming out atall, loosing all my friends. Not that I have too many but still.
It so sad how they can't understand how much of myself I sacrificed for ther happiness :(

I don't understand how can parents act like this [emoji22] . I came out to my parents, and at first, I thought their reaction was good. But now, they are trying everything possible to "Cure" me. They want me to just forget everything, and keep on studying medicine. I don't know how I'll just become a normal guy, and stop being transgender. I'll kill myself, if they force me to live as a guy.
     My friends too, I have lost so many of them, they no more call, they don't even smile when they see me.
    But I have also made so many new friends here, I don't worry much about that.
    You are not alone. We all are there for ya.
       

So.. how was seeing the Church dude for counselling? Hopefully better then what I assume :)?

Hey Mars, yea I left a comment about that on the last page of this thread. Check it out.
It was a big surprise that's for sure.
I left ther feeling good about myself, and perhaps even better about myself.
But this guy was really someone to help people who really really need help.
The biggest problem I have is my parents. And that is them that need to talk to someone like the guy I did. Or standard issue councilor

Quote from: ChristineRachel on April 06, 2017, 11:36:57 PM
Hey all. :D

So I went to this guy yesterday afternoon. The Religious councilor.
Spent like hours in there, it was actually really good. He was kind and listened non judgementally.
I was surprised really.
Just talked about my life and how I feel and why I think I feel this way, and what he thinks can happen.
It's funny as a trans person who has been down all the mental roads and ways of thinking, ther was nothing really he threw at me that caught me off guard.
I've been there done that mentally already.
I told him how I see things very simply now, I have stopped worrying about what it means to be trans, or why I am trans, or trying not to be trans. Things do still get me down from time to time, but not because of me being trans, its others around me that bring me down.
I must learn to get passed that, and for certain of these people simply give them time!
I was very surprised by this whole experience in many ways so far.
Mostly good surprises, my life feels right since begining it all, and I am so greatful I could do this.
I am also so grateful that yesterday went so well and he didn't justs sass me all the way to the inferno lol
Anyway thats it for now.
Thank you girls and guys for all your help too, you are wee stars <33

That's awesome! I've been wondering how your meeting went, glad it worked out!

Glad it went well  :)

Thanks, Markie it was a real surprise.
I was happy with that

Even better, it sounds like you are happy being ChristineRachel.

That's all we can really ask of life. Self-acceptance and our happiness are something we all deserve.


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I am happy being me that's for sure.
And yes happiness is for all of us :3
I hope we can all feel true happiness and love sometime.
Thanks Michelle :)

Wish I reinstalled Tapatalk sooner. Sorry I missed your post but you're never alone hon.

Glad things went ok with the counsellor and your family situ defo sucks.

fwiw catch me anytime on WhatsApp.

The only thing I can suggest is what you can't do yet and that's be only you.

Whenever they see him they consider it proof that is who you were, are and can be.

Until you bury their son I fear they may never see their daughter.

Don't worry Jerrica, I go through these ups and down regularly.
It's typically gona happen when you are living the half like.
A good boot to the arse and I will be dandy again.
I hate when I go down this tunnel :/

Hi Christine Rachel

I agree about how lonely transition can be and am sorry that you are going through a difficult time.  I am also estranged from my family due to transition and am Irish too.  I live in Bavaria.  I don't know whether there there is a PM function on this forum as I have just moved from lurker to poster, but if you want to be friends, send me a message of some sort.

Yours in solitude.

Tara

What can I say Christine worrying is my thing and hanging out online with you for the past yearish gets you on my worry list like the rest of my family ;)

Yeah defo get the thought/mood loops but mine are kinda silly by comparison tbh.

You deserve better hon but luckily you're way stronger than me. I'd never have been strong enough to do the double life thing. Genuinely blows my mind to think about it.

I hope your family come around soon for their benefit more than yours. If they "decide" they don't love you then as cold as it may sound you will be better off without them. Just remember that you are not the problem.

My kids had a great way of approaching it through Pokémon their Dad evolved into Mum2. Like the Pokémon once you evolve that's it there's no going back :)

If only grown ups were as clever...

Quote from: tarabel on April 15, 2017, 12:57:06 PM
Hi Christine Rachel

I agree about how lonely transition can be and am sorry that you are going through a difficult time.  I am also estranged from my family due to transition and am Irish too.  I live in Bavaria.  I don't know whether there there is a PM function on this forum as I have just moved from lurker to poster, but if you want to be friends, send me a message of some sort.

Yours in solitude.

Tara

Welcome to Susan's Place. There is a PM function on the site as well as a number of other features that will unlock after 15 quality posts. The following links will explain this to you as well as other information you might want to know about using the forum.

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Thanks Jerrica. It helps to here you got my back too :')
I just hope things work out. I will have to let them go for the benefit of my own head if they don't want to see me how I feel I am.
Hopefully it won't come to that.
The kids always see it so simply.
It's the adults that over complicate everything.

If it wasn't for this forum not sure what I would do, mind you its this forum that's got me where I am now!!! Every body needs some one to unload/chat to and in our situation that's a lot of unloading

Quote from: ChristineRachel on April 15, 2017, 04:23:56 PM
Thanks Jerrica. It helps to here you got my back too :')
I just hope things work out. I will have to let them go for the benefit of my own head if they don't want to see me how I feel I am.
Hopefully it won't come to that.
The kids always see it so simply.
It's the adults that over complicate everything.

Hi Christine Rachel

Kids are so brutally honest and terrify me when I am out in public...the little buggers can clock you from 6 blocks away :) , but they accept so easily, the good thing is they are more likely to be concerned that you will still read them their stories or take them to the park than if you are wearing a dress or pants.

Liz

Yep Davina you are right.
This forum means alot to me too.
I am a very shy type person and don't talk to much or have a big friends group.
This place became my place to get things off of my mind, and I do see you guys as friends too lol even if we don't always speak, I read posts all the time, sometimes I don't reply, as sometimes I shy away from it.
But I love this place. Little safe haven.

Hey Elizabeth, as I am not out yet I have not spent anytime infront of em thank god, but I am sure when they realise they probably just blurt it out real obvious like. Hopefully parents being cool they would just explain nicely to them.
Kids aren't gona be hateful because of it, even blurring it out is not done in badness, just silly cause they don't know.
Badness against us would simply be things the older generations teach them :/
Not even ther fault

I expect you'll be an easy read for kids tbh. They'll read you as female a mile away ;)

Still smile about early on in transition (probably 8 months ago) overhearing a small group of kids talking about me in one of the nurseries I work at. One kid wondered if I was a boy or a girl and the other kids quickly set him straight with "She's a girl" while giggling at his mistake. The boy agreed and smiled then their playing continued. So sweet.

Another did make me cringe though in another nursery who remembered who I was (about a year ago). The other kids weren't convinced but the poor wee lamb was adamant. Fortunately I've been back since and he only sees me now.

Kids can be your best early validation or your worst nightmare lol

After that it's getting hit on and beyond which again I don't see any problems for you. Most people for better or worse are hung up on aesthetics to the extent that if you look good enough so much more can be overlooked.

I've not gone any further than being hit on and chatted up a bit due to being married but it sure does make you feel good. Major confidence boost until you're alone again as your own worst enemy.

Watching Mean Girls (again) reminds me that even the plastics were never happy with their bodies.

Anyhoo I digress again for a wee change.

Back OT

You're awesome hon and anyone that can't see it is missing out x

I think your biggest  problem  will be people. Stareing not because  your being read but because  they will be thinking wow look at this  statuesque woman

The definition of statuesque is someone, especially a woman, who is tall and dignified. A tall, beautiful woman known for her poise and grace is an example of someone who would be described as statuesque.

Thanks Markie, I hope that's what happens :')
Only problem is even if that is the case I will probably still be paranoid thinking people are clocking me.

Wow. Can I relate to you post. My father hasn't talked to me since 2002. Sometimes people just don't come around, it's very true. Most of the time, they do however. At leI was going to offer you something on the issue of Faith. I'm not a believer myself, but I do know a conservative Lutheran Pastor that that did who does a pretty decent job convincing herself she's within the bounds of her faith.

She has a blog on her faith and transition dialog if your interested. And she's just a little over a week post-op too.
https://eilerspizza.wordpress.com/

Goodluck

Thanks Emma, oh I hope he comes around sooner than that :S
And yes as someone who believes in God, being trans has been a tough old thing to get passed mentaly.
I think I am pretty happy now though about it, i do not worry so much no more.
I'll check out this girls blog, :)

Quote from: ChristineRachel on April 19, 2017, 10:09:48 AM
Thanks Markie, I hope that's what happens :')
Only problem is even if that is the case I will probably still be paranoid thinking people are clocking me.

I understand  a long time ago I had a date with a trans girl when I first met her my jawed dropped.. she was stunning  but  she freaked out.. and said what's the matter  !?
anyway to cut along story short eventually  she told me she was on Xanax as she had anxiety  about people  clocking  her it was sad because  the reason anyone looked at her was because  she was gorgeous so absolutely passable voice everything  but she just couldn't  see it
Personally  it would  not worry me to be clocked if I ever get that far ... as long as I looked good in fact I think I would never try to hide it... I guess I would  be proud  to be trans... Bits that's just me 😊

Yea, I wouldn't deny it if someone asked, i don't think so.
It's a scary thing, but not something I would be ashamed of, I am who I am like

I'd avoid the question if I could and probably deny it if I had to.

Unlike many I am actually ashamed of who/what I was before.
Sure there was a lot of good but I was also mental & emotional cripple (many suspected autism including me) while being a slave to T impulses which was embarrassing tbh.

Fortunately I consider my trans past to be like a birth defect that has finally been fixed.
Those that know don't care (in the best possible way ofc) and those that don't have no need to.
I don't expect others to know about it or for it to come up in conversation but would still feel awkward if ambushed with it.

Serious denial issues for sure but I'm ok with that.

On the God side of things she & I get along just fine. In fact I'd say we get along a lot better now than we used to. My religion before and after is Roman Catholic with no churchy issues but let's just say I'm flexible from a faith standpoint. I understand she had to have me born as a guy to make my kids (who I'd never change for anything) so I can forgive her for that and thank her at the same time. Talk about moving in mysterious ways sheesh.

Everyone sees a different way forward, to me if someone asks me about it, they probably know, so denying it would appear to them that I am imbarassed of my past or ashamed of it. I would prefer to stand tall with pride for not giving up and pushing forward

You know, I never talk about trans stuff outside my intimate personal life/wife/kids or with a very short list of trans friends that I've had for a long time. No one has ever asked me anything or made any attempt to lead me into a conversation about it.  I have a hard time believing I haven't been clocked in more than a decade, but I guess people respect me enough they just don't go there. I don't really have an answer why that is, but it works for me.😁 If it did I'd be honest, but that doesn't mean I'd out myself either.

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