Susan's Place Transgender Resources

For those of you who have ventured onto the dating scene as your true self, have you been openly trans or have you chosen to be stealth? 

In the limited exposure I've had (not dating, just socializing) I see too often men who view transwomen in a pornographic way.  If you enter the dating scene openly admitting you are trans the creeps come out of the closet in droves.  That's what I've seen so far.  What's been your experience?

Julie

Quote from: Julie Marie on November 18, 2007, 12:23:46 PM
For those of you who have ventured onto the dating scene as your true self, have you been openly trans or have you chosen to be stealth? 

In the limited exposure I've had (not dating, just socializing) I see too often men who view transwomen in a pornographic way.  If you enter the dating scene openly admitting you are trans the creeps come out of the closet in droves.  That's what I've seen so far.  What's been your experience?

Julie

For myself when I meet a man I wait and see where the relationship goes, if one develops at all.  If one doesn't then I stay stealth and no one is the wiser.  However, if a relationship develops then I will tell them about my past.  I've met quite a few men in the clubs and in other casual settings and from those encounters two of them turned into relationships where I came out to them, and both times the relationships flourished.  The reason they didn't last was due to lets just say - personality differences.

Now in my particular case I'm quite well know around town due to my community activities, and of course all those who work with me know about me so for me I just think it would be a little deceitful not telling then having the person find out from someone else.

Just my experience.  I'm sure that others have different experiences.

Steph

I have dated quite a few guys now and like Steph has said, my opening line, is never ... "Pleased to meet you, I am a Transsexual".

I have not told anyone that I dated yet, the longest relationship being 6 months. Two reasons, I have never felt strongly enough (or trusted any of the guys) to be open & honest with them.

Secondly, why out yourself and face problems (if the relationship is going nowhere)

But yes, I will eventually tell someone of my past life, If I love them deeply enough.

Rebecca

Quote from: Julie Marie on November 18, 2007, 12:23:46 PM
For those of you who have ventured onto the dating scene as your true self, have you been openly trans or have you chosen to be stealth? 

In the limited exposure I've had (not dating, just socializing) I see too often men who view transwomen in a pornographic way.  If you enter the dating scene openly admitting you are trans the creeps come out of the closet in droves.  That's what I've seen so far.  What's been your experience?

Julie

I haven't been dating Julie as yet, but just socializing has brought the creeps out for me too.  It is quite frightening really and confronting especially while you are trying to talk to them and they won't wipe the smile off their face.  It has made me very sad at times.  Young guys usually try to play it cool and easier to get rid of, but the old guys just make me want to wretch!!  :o
I have met many nice guys and they can be quite protective, but unfortunately not relationship material.  But you can never have too many friends.  I might end up alone or find a woman to spend my life with.  Who knows.  :)

I've been to the pub a couple of times and guys have bought me drinks and one guy asked me out. But I haven't followed it up and just said I already had a partner. I would think it was quite difficult for someone not to read me over a longer period of time and I think most of us would be read eventually anyway. 

Quote from: Julie Marie on November 18, 2007, 12:23:46 PM
For those of you who have ventured onto the dating scene as your true self, have you been openly trans or have you chosen to be stealth? 

In the limited exposure I've had (not dating, just socializing) I see too often men who view transwomen in a pornographic way.  If you enter the dating scene openly admitting you are trans the creeps come out of the closet in droves.  That's what I've seen so far.  What's been your experience?

Julie

Mostly creeps, but if you are pre-op, what choice do you have? Post-op, I am stealth. I would disclose if the relationship became serious. After a man has been intimate with me, it is going to be very hard to believe that I was anything but a cisgendered woman but I guess different men would take the disclosure differently.

I am not open to anyone. I cannot give myself that luxury but whatever works for you should be quite alright.

Quote from: Yvonne on November 19, 2007, 05:26:30 PM
I am not open to anyone. I cannot give myself that luxury but whatever works for you should be quite alright.

Not all of us have that luxury of not being read after a few dates.....you are very lucky in that respect..

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Quote from: Yvonne on November 19, 2007, 05:26:30 PM
I am not open to anyone. I cannot give myself that luxury but whatever works for you should be quite alright.

I am not exactly sure what you are saying, would you not disclose before marriage?

And you are pretty open here, posting your image where anyone in the world could see it.

I find I do not hide anything about me that might affect "my partner", which includes but is not limited to this TS mess. ^*shrug* I would far rather the person who falls in love with me know exactly what I am. For whatever my preferences are worth ;)

I honestly haven't tried dating as my true self yet. To be honest I haven't dated dated with anyone in almost a year and a half. If I had the choice I would be open and let them know before they try to take me home.

I'm stealth if I'm dating someone, until more comes up.

My last experience, it was a month and then I had to tell him (ur, we were in bed together -- he had no idea -- and it was a very awkward conversation, then we slept together, and now we don't talk to each other).

If I was post-op, part of me would not want to say anything until even further along. But then if I'm post-op, I don't know how much the trans history would be important. Since I'm pre-op, well, erm, it's hard to hide the parts once you're naked.

Right now I'm not really dating anyone. I'm not closing the door, but I'm not opening it right away, either.

Quote from: melissa90299 on November 19, 2007, 06:30:45 PM
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Quote from: Yvonne on November 19, 2007, 05:26:30 PM
I am not open to anyone. I cannot give myself that luxury but whatever works for you should be quite alright.

I am not exactly sure what you are saying, would you not disclose before marriage?

Exactly what I said.  That I cannot give myself the luxury to divulge my personal issues with peeps.  I wouldnt disclose anything even before marriage.  I hope I made myself clear. 

Quote from: melissa90299 on November 19, 2007, 06:30:45 PM

And you are pretty open here, posting your image where anyone in the world could see it.

Because I know that nobody I know would come here, to a trans, American site looking for me.  Women like myself that are stealth are stealth because we can be stealth though I know that the reality for other peeps is quite different.

I've two feelings about this.  One is that if they don't know, even after being intimate, then why bring the issue up?  If you do you risk changing the entire relationship and probably ending it.  I didn't choose to be trans, God made me this way.  Society has attached such a negative stigma to us it's sometimes impossible to get people to open their eyes.  Why tell someone something that they about which they are likely to have a totally twisted opinion?  I am a very honest and open person but I also want to be treated like a normal woman.  Once I disclose my male past the odds of that happening are slim to none.  But if they find out I'll ask them, "With they way society views us, how else would you expect me to handle this?"

If I disclose upfront or early into a relationship that I am trans the ->-bleeped-<- ->-bleeped-<-s will likely be the only ones remaining and then I become nothing other than a sex toy.  I don't want that life.  I know there are very open minded people out there but they're not that easy to find.  Once I make the disclosure, I will be seen as a man who became a woman.  People won't be able to separate my male past from my present one.

Lately I've thought about fabricating a white lie, of sorts, where I can disclose my past but weave into the story of my transitioning factors that eliminate most of the "choice" people think we have.  Since so many people are ignorant about transsexualism, I believe you could tell them your story with a twist and they'd believe it.

What I know for sure is I want to be treated like a normal woman.  If I can be stealth I will be.  And I won't disclose any of my past to anyone I meet until that time comes when a relationship gets serious enough to warrant it.  Then I will give it serious consideration before I open my mouth.  GRS is only seven months away.  I know it will bring major changes, maybe even in attitude.  I want to be as prepared as I can for my new life.  I want to live it completely as a woman, not as a freak.

Julie

Julie, I am not sure that non-disclosure pre-op is wise. Not worth the trouble, unless it is a very casual date. Have you tried dating "stealth" yet?

Quote from: melissa90299 on November 22, 2007, 10:01:07 AM
I would call it delusion. That someone could live with someone, potentially for the rest of her life, without ever finding out? Have you really thought this out? As well as the wisdom of posting your image and declaring to the whole world that you are trans?

Yeah...how do you explain not being able to get pregnant?  Not having a period?  Not having any pictures of you under a certain age?

For that matter, are you sure the people that "knew you before" won't ever possibly slip up and out you (however accidental it may be)?

to each, their own ;)  there are certain things that you can't just conceal forever, yet if you can manage to do it, why not?  tricky situation, dont cha think?

Quote from: Katia on November 22, 2007, 10:09:18 AM
to each, their own ;)  there are certain things that you can't just conceal forever, yet if you can manage to do it, why not? 

Because it is not reality unless you have joined the witness protection program. :)

I'm still pre-op.  I dont date.  I hate sex in a body like this.  I dont want to end up dead on the street somewhere.  Men are very transphobic here.  Maybe after GRS when I'm complete, it'll be another story.  Or else it's OK too.

I am stealth but when it comes to dating, I would rather be as honest as possible about my past as theres the chance that the relationship can develop into something serious and long term. A relationship based on lies is not a good thing for anyone.

Julie if you want to date straight guys you will have to resort to being stealth, and plan on not getting too involved. Most guys will always get to the conversation of sex before too long. Most will want to kiss and touch to some extent. Be perpared for this as it is a certain. You can only put them off for so long.

If on the other hand you want to be seen with a guy and want to have a little fun then you should find a nice bi guy that dosen't care and let whatever happens happen.

I have dated both. If you want to PM me we can talk about guys and their expectations.

Deb

Quote from: debisl on November 23, 2007, 08:50:25 AM
Julie if you want to date straight guys you will have to resort to being stealth, and plan on not getting too involved. Most guys will always get to the conversation of sex before too long. Most will want to kiss and touch to some extent. Be perpared for this as it is a certain. You can only put them off for so long.

If on the other hand you want to be seen with a guy and want to have a little fun then you should find a nice bi guy that dosen't care and let whatever happens happen.

I have dated both. If you want to PM me we can talk about guys and their expectations.

Deb

W B Debs and you given good advice.....

Quote from: Jeannette on November 23, 2007, 07:08:21 AM
I am stealth but when it comes to dating, I would rather be as honest as possible about my past as theres the chance that the relationship can develop into something serious and long term. A relationship based on lies is not a good thing for anyone.

Dating  someone without revealing everything about your past is not lying. Does he tell you all his innermost secrets before the first date or during the first few dates? I doubt it.

Quote from: melissa90299 on November 23, 2007, 09:43:41 AM

Quote from: Jeannette on November 23, 2007, 07:08:21 AM
I am stealth but when it comes to dating, I would rather be as honest as possible about my past as theres the chance that the relationship can develop into something serious and long term. A relationship based on lies is not a good thing for anyone.

Dating  someone without revealing everything about your past is not lying. Does he tell you all his innermost secrets before the first date or during the first few dates? I doubt it.

I couldn't agree more.  I don't know why we have this compulsion to disclose in our relationships.  Cisgendered folks never do...

Quote from: melissa90299 on November 22, 2007, 10:01:07 AM
Julie, I am not sure that non-disclosure pre-op is wise. Not worth the trouble, unless it is a very casual date. Have you tried dating "stealth" yet?

No Melissa, I haven't dated yet nor would I consider it before GRS.  I want to be complete before I enter the dating scene.  I have however been in social situations with men who knew I was trans (it was at a club I have frequented since my "crossdresser days").  While I really haven't been insulted, there's at least two friends I took there who have by inquiries regarding what's between their legs.  The last time was a few weeks ago and both of us agreed we just don't belong there.  It's a gay club and we're not gay men.

Anyway, those experiences tell me that if I want to be treated the same as any other woman I have to be stealth.  Of course my personal experience has been with gay men who know I'm trans so that's not exactly the best barometer to use in making the stealth/open decision.  If a relationship became serious I'd obviously have to divulge something.  How else can I explain my kids and their genetic mother?  Also it becomes tricky avoiding talk about my male past.  So something would have to be done.  I guess it will be a bridge I'll have to figure out how I want to cross it, but that will have to wait until I get there.

Julie

Quote from: Enigma on November 23, 2007, 09:49:36 AM

Quote from: melissa90299 on November 23, 2007, 09:43:41 AM

Quote from: Jeannette on November 23, 2007, 07:08:21 AM
I am stealth but when it comes to dating, I would rather be as honest as possible about my past as theres the chance that the relationship can develop into something serious and long term. A relationship based on lies is not a good thing for anyone.

Dating  someone without revealing everything about your past is not lying. Does he tell you all his innermost secrets before the first date or during the first few dates? I doubt it.

I couldn't agree more.  I don't know why we have this compulsion to disclose in our relationships.  Cisgendered folks never do...

This is all fueled by the myth created by the media that we are "deceiving" men into having sex with us as if we are only imitation or artificial women.

Quote from: melissa90299 on November 23, 2007, 02:05:55 PM

Quote from: Enigma on November 23, 2007, 09:49:36 AM

Quote from: melissa90299 on November 23, 2007, 09:43:41 AM

Quote from: Jeannette on November 23, 2007, 07:08:21 AM
I am stealth but when it comes to dating, I would rather be as honest as possible about my past as theres the chance that the relationship can develop into something serious and long term. A relationship based on lies is not a good thing for anyone.

Dating  someone without revealing everything about your past is not lying. Does he tell you all his innermost secrets before the first date or during the first few dates? I doubt it.

I couldn't agree more.  I don't know why we have this compulsion to disclose in our relationships.  Cisgendered folks never do...

This is all fueled by the myth created by the media that we are "deceiving" men into having sex with us as if we are only imitation or artificial women.

Just like the myth that all transsexuals must be gay. Its all a common misconception from the masses that dont understand us.

Being open or stealth is an entirely personal decision without any obligations.  It is up to each of us to decide whether being stealth works or not.  Who are we to tell someone else here how they should handle their personal lives?  Personally, I'd find it very offensive if someone tried to do that with me regardless of ethics, morals and whatever.

In my case, my boyfriend knows about my past because he is also TS; If my situation were different, I wouldn't tell anything to anyone on my first date.  Nevertheless, If I were to see that the relationship were going somewhere and had the potential to become long-term (as in marriage or engagement), then I would tell him.

tink :icon_chick:

Quote from: Tink on November 23, 2007, 06:35:12 PM
Being open or stealth is an entirely personal decision without any obligations.  It is up to each of us to decide whether being stealth works or not.  Who are we to tell someone else here how they should handle their personal lives?  Personally, I'd find it very offensive if someone tried to do that with me regardless of ethics, morals and whatever.

In my case, my boyfriend knows about my past because he is also TS; If my situation were different, I wouldn't tell anything to anyone on my first date.  Nevertheless, If I were to see that the relationship were going somewhere and had the potential to become long-term (as in marriage or engagement), then I would tell him.

tink :icon_chick:

are you upset? ;) hope not!  nothing worse than an angry faerie! >:D

I make it a point to date only progressive and open minded men (and women for that matter) This latest guy (yup, another one!) is very open-minded and I am sure wouldn't have a problem. OTOH he is not looking for a monogamous relationship. If you explore how man feel about other issues, you can generally figure out how they will react to disclosure.

Quote from: Katia on November 23, 2007, 10:44:34 PM

Quote from: Tink on November 23, 2007, 06:35:12 PM
Being open or stealth is an entirely personal decision without any obligations.  It is up to each of us to decide whether being stealth works or not.  Who are we to tell someone else here how they should handle their personal lives?  Personally, I'd find it very offensive if someone tried to do that with me regardless of ethics, morals and whatever.

In my case, my boyfriend knows about my past because he is also TS; If my situation were different, I wouldn't tell anything to anyone on my first date.  Nevertheless, If I were to see that the relationship were going somewhere and had the potential to become long-term (as in marriage or engagement), then I would tell him.

tink :icon_chick:

are you upset? ;) hope not!  nothing worse than an angry faerie! >:D

no she aint.  she's just saying what's on her mind ;)

Quote from: Chris on November 24, 2007, 01:04:48 AM

Quote from: Katia on November 23, 2007, 10:44:34 PM

Quote from: Tink on November 23, 2007, 06:35:12 PM
Being open or stealth is an entirely personal decision without any obligations.  It is up to each of us to decide whether being stealth works or not.  Who are we to tell someone else here how they should handle their personal lives?  Personally, I'd find it very offensive if someone tried to do that with me regardless of ethics, morals and whatever.

In my case, my boyfriend knows about my past because he is also TS; If my situation were different, I wouldn't tell anything to anyone on my first date.  Nevertheless, If I were to see that the relationship were going somewhere and had the potential to become long-term (as in marriage or engagement), then I would tell him.

tink :icon_chick:

are you upset? ;) hope not!  nothing worse than an angry faerie! >:D

no she aint.  she's just saying what's on her mind ;)

huh?  how would you know how she feels, unless you are her ftm ts boyfriend.  now that would explain a lot >:D   its time to speak up! :laugh: we already know >:D

Quote from: Katia on November 24, 2007, 02:11:55 AM

huh?  how would you know how she feels, unless you are her ftm ts boyfriend.  now that would explain a lot >:D   its time to speak up! :laugh: we already know >:D

You are contradicting yourself Katia, if you already know, why should Chris speak up (as you put it)?  Also there are things (and I am sure you know that) that are part of people's personal lives; hence they are private.  This is the internet for heaven's sakes; you don't expect that I share everything about my personal life here, do you?  :P

tink :icon_chick:

Quote from: Tink on November 24, 2007, 03:06:20 PM

Quote from: Katia on November 24, 2007, 02:11:55 AM

huh?  how would you know how she feels, unless you are her ftm ts boyfriend.  now that would explain a lot >:D   its time to speak up! :laugh: we already know >:D

You are contradicting yourself Katia, if you already know, why should Chris speak up (as you put it)?  Also there are things (and I am sure you know that) that are part of people's personal lives; hence they are private.  This is the internet for heaven's sakes; you don't expect that I share everything about my personal life here, do you?  :P

tink :icon_chick:

curiosity is human nature tink.  i think it's cute though.  honestly! :)

Quote from: Katia on November 24, 2007, 10:59:25 PM

Quote from: Tink on November 24, 2007, 03:06:20 PM

Quote from: Katia on November 24, 2007, 02:11:55 AM

huh?  how would you know how she feels, unless you are her ftm ts boyfriend.  now that would explain a lot >:D   its time to speak up! :laugh: we already know >:D

You are contradicting yourself Katia, if you already know, why should Chris speak up (as you put it)?  Also there are things (and I am sure you know that) that are part of people's personal lives; hence they are private.  This is the internet for heaven's sakes; you don't expect that I share everything about my personal life here, do you?  :P

tink :icon_chick:

curiosity is human nature tink.  i think it's cute though.  honestly! :)

I guess.  I agree.  Curiosity is human nature but not a fascination.

tink :icon_chick:

Hi Julie
I do so agree with what you have posted, I thought I was reading my soul mates own words. Well I guess I was lucky I met my mate in this very Message board 5 years ago. We love each other very much and I just don't think there would be much of a life ahead of me without her. I just pray that will not happen for many years yet. I do not really have any desires to look for another partner.

Cindy

Quote from: cindybc on November 25, 2007, 05:15:19 PM
Hi Julie
I do so agree with what you have posted, I thought I was reading my soul mates own words. Well I guess I was lucky I met my mate in this very Message board 5 years ago. We love each other very much and I just don't think there would be much of a life ahead of me without her. I just pray that will not happen for many years yet. I do not really have any desires to look for another partner.

Cindy

And I so agree with what Cindy has written.  I want no one but her, ever.

Regardless of whether one is a genetic woman or a post-op transsexual woman, dating is dangerous  Men are often violent mysogynists.  Those who kill sex workers aren't often doing it because the women they kill are TS.  Yes, we do lose sisters to violence but I believe that it is seldom because they were post-op.

Dating is a dangerous endeavour.  When I was a teenager I heard the older guys bragging about "put out or get out" and leave the girl to walk home from lover's lane.  Date rape happened, but drugs weren't usually involved

Just know that dating hasn't gotten any less dangerous and govern yourself accordingly.  I would tell no one anything.  I'm old enough to have vaginal dryness and that's why I would carry lube.  Are there any further questions?

My dance card is full, from here to hereafter and I am grateful to My Creator and Cindy for that.

Wing Walker

Quote from: cindybc on November 25, 2007, 05:15:19 PM
Hi Julie
I do so agree with what you have posted, I thought I was reading my soul mates own words. Well I guess I was lucky I met my mate in this very Message board 5 years ago. We love each other very much and I just don't think there would be much of a life ahead of me without her. I just pray that will not happen for many years yet. I do not really have any desires to look for another partner.

Cindy

Cindy, I didn't know that you and Wing Walker met here. That's wonderful!

zythyra

Hi y2gender, Thank you much, yep I can be greatful to Susan's for that part of my life.
Hey I made it to the other board hon.  ;D

Cindy

Quote from: y2gender on November 25, 2007, 08:27:40 PM

Cindy, I didn't know that you and Wing Walker met here. That's wonderful!

zythyra

oh? i didnt know that either.  another couple that meets at susan's.  terrific! :)