Susan's Place Transgender Resources

What I mean is, did you just do a quick abrupt change, one day "mostly" presenting as a average male and the next presenting female or did you gradually fade from one presentation to the next over some period of time?  Granted, "presentation" is obviously a grey area and wearing baggy pants doesn't equate to being man and woman don't have to wear pink or skirts/dresses but you all can probably understand what I'm getting at :)

Also, likely related, were you generally a "typical" male on the exterior pre-transition or somewhat gender nonconforming through your upbringing into transition?  Do you feel one or the other made it more or less difficult in your particular transition method?

My story is that I kept this part of me a tightly guarded secret to everyone but my wife.  I would typically and purposely choose the most "manly" option for clothing/accessories, discussion topics or whatever so I wouldn't be discovered.  Mentally this was incredibly difficult but I felt any little thing would "out me" and people would wonder.  This approach obviously "failed" as it led me to intense depression, anger, anxiety etc.  I've just started HRT about a month ago and at first I figured I would do a quick cut transition, let HRT do it's thing while I hide in the shadows with baggy boy clothes and when I'm ready, head into FFS surgery and come out the other end living FT.  However, I'm second guessing that thought and I'm feeling more and more like a gentle fade into androgyny and then more and more feminine appearance may be how it will go. 

I'm interested in your thoughts and if that has changed when starting HRT or during another phase of this blossoming?

Mine was very gradual. I presented as an increasingly feminine guy for many years before i came out as a transgender woman. In may ways by about 20 yrs ago my style was not that different than it is now dress wise, but now my identity is correct and thus my interpersonal relationships and socialization has as well.

In many ways i was very typically maleish before transition but i overcame that with clothes and attitude as i felt the need. My shoulders were broad and i was athletic and lean, my hair was generally short with some periods of long hair in there and although i had some gynecomastia, i think most people just assumed very developed pecs. Overall though i presented pretty androgynously because of clothing choices, some make up and other factors. I wore men's shirts that looked feminine and some women's shirts, i wore skinny and other women's jeans, i wore panties all the time and bras frequently. I often put on darker eyeliner to stand out.

I never sought to compensate for my dysphoria by going ultra-masculine, unless you maybe count sports and cars, but then there are lots and lots of feminine cis-women that are all about those. 

I think this all worked for me as best as anything that side of transition could, and although i had to fight more prejudice and had to work harder to be with people as in extrovert, my spouse took more flak, and my relatives questioned me etc, i believe i was a better person for it. After i came out as transgender, many people were like...yeah you are a girl, no kidding we would have never guessed  ;)

After HRT started it was all about the socialization and acceptance as well as a little about improving my fashion and look.

Mine was binary.  There were groups of people who knew Denise and there were groups of people who knew Dan. 

For me that worked.  For my wife it was a nightmare.  "I never know what I'm going to find when I come home... Rip off the band-aide all ready."  6 weeks later - 100% Denise.

Now, don't get me wrong.  I would get ma'am'd on occasion with not 'dolled up' but I don't think that is what you are looking for.  My hair was growing out and I would keep my finger nails slightly too long for a guy (rather one person commented) and laser was having an effect on my facial hair.

My transition method (back around the turn of the century, eek!) was to preserve my source of income until all my "passing" procedures -- electrolysis and facial surgery -- were paid for, and my voice was properly retrained.  So I compartmentalized my life.  I slowly went full time in various social milieus, depending on where I was with my physical changes.  Support group, sure, I was full time right away.  And shortly after that, at home with my supportive partner.  By the time I went full time at church, I'd had 9 months of electrolysis, and several months of hormones -- but more importantly, I'd found and developed a female voice.  A year in, full-time was extended to immediate family (extended family was held at arm's length for several years after transition, for other reasons).  All my "past life" friends had dropped away, so that wasn't an issue. 

At 16 months, I had facial surgery.  That, frankly, was good enough to get my letters for bottom surgery, even though I hadn't transitioned on the job.  Two years in, I had bottom surgery and BAS.  And then I did the most audacious thing -- I quit my job, rather than transition there, so as to preserve my narrative privacy (so only one person at work actually knew, that person being my boss, and he was very accommodating).  Instead, I moved away, and started a new life.  In poverty, at first, sure, but so what?  It didn't take long to get new work, as the woman I was, without any hint of misgendering whatsoever.  No narrative issues to deal with.  I was free.  And I still am.

Here's the thing -- it's impossible to tell how going full-time is going to play out at work.  So many go full-time before finishing electrolysis (let alone facial surgery), and then lose their jobs or quit because of misgendering -- and from here, it's like being in a vise, because it's so much harder to rebuild one's income when one is visibly gender-variant.  It takes money to get zapped, and to get bones rearranged. 

It's the zapping that's the worst, because it also takes time.  A good couple years, yes, but in day-to-day life, it takes time to grow out hairs so they can be identified and killed and removed.  And during those couple of days, it's going to be dysphoria-inducing, and socially problematic (if being gendered correctly is an actual concern).  If there's any bit of advice that anyone listens to, listen to this: before coming out at work, at least get to where your zapper can clear your whole face in 2 hours or less every week.  Once you get to that point, you can start growing out on Friday, get zapped on Sunday, and get back to work on Monday not too worse for wear.  And even better if you can get through the week without shaving at all (it's so hard on the skin).

If you need facial surgery, seriously, get it done before going full time at work. 

So what does this all look like in hindsight?  It's basically making yourself a cocoon to live in for a couple years. Whether you're a moth or a butterfly, emerge from the cocoon too soon and your wings will be too fragile to fly.  You might still be able to muddle through (many of us have, by necessity), but it really doesn't make anything any easier. 

Well, except, perhaps, your dysphoria.  Which is usually what drives this whole mess anyways.

~Sophia

I ran so hard back into the close in 2003 that by 2014 when I had exhausted every trick I could think of to avoid dealing with my "trans stuff". I was deeply unhappy, overweight, didn't care, appearance meant nothing to me, everything in my wardrobe said drab, I was incredibly depressed, suicidal for years building slowly to a functioning plan....Then I began to deal with my issues and I began to see a light....I began to change my presentation by swapping out all my male clothes for female clothes and as I did this and then started HRT I began to feel better and better....fulltime was not supposed to start till Later this month but by the first of last month I was ready and there was no holding me back, I went fulltime. So from initial "I am a Transsexual for sure no doubt about it" to now, took 18 months...I could not be happier. Yes I would like to be more "passable" but for me it was always about live or die and not about "pass" or "not pass"

Liz

   Your history of being scared someone would 'know' is familiar  to me. I was masculine. No one would have guessed my secret. I don't like non binary, but I did it for a while because I pushed myself to get experiences. I was needing to see how I reacted to people. 'Am a really trans' was big on my mind then. I never dressed  questioningly in front of anyone I knew. It was better for me to come out first, then appear as female to them. I was very careful not to overdo it. Too feminine, too drastic a change was I think too jarring to the people I wanted to come along with me (on my journey). I low keyed a definite female look. I'm full time over nine months and just got ears pierced this weekend, as an example. I looked at the long run. I think you will find that you believe you will be satisfied with this little piece or that. You will find you probably will want to fully jump in fast once the toes are wet. For me, my sons came to me after a while and told me they were so thankful that I was not over the top. I figure I can continue to evolve and people will come with me more because I respected their feelings. My feelings only, everyone is different.
Moni

Thanks very much for the stories ladies.  It's amazing how unique all our journeys are on the way to mostly similar goals.

Sophia, I would say certain aspects of your path and thought process is fairly similar to mine, although I work from home and for a corporation that is very inclusive.  There is no fear of me losing my job and although I make a good salary I'm a "kept lady" :). My wife is the majority bread winner and is incredibly supportive of my transition and our relationship is stronger than ever.  Similar to your beginning I'm currently presenting at group and always within my home while I let HRT do its thing, grow my hair and get my facial hair removed.   I'm working in more feminine things into my wardrobe when I'm out in "male mode" and have both of my ears pierced.  Although these things may not sound all that brave, after living a life so guarded it almost feels like wearing a tutu to the super market :). Everyday is like a new step that I try not to back down from....it becomes the new starting line for the next hurdle.  This is naturally taking me to a gradual transition method, but I'm sure this will ultimately get me to a place where I'll need to make one final leap...I'm suspecting that will be after FFS.  The cocoon analogy is also how I feel,  because i work from home and present always within my home I do feel a little closed in while things take shape....going out in "male mode" is uncomfortable for my mental state...dysphoria inducing, so I limit that until I make more progress.  My wife has been amazing in this regard.  She knows how it makes me feel and is very accommodating in order to keep my comfort level manageable.

There was no "method" as such...I worked with my therapist, my partner and work on the hrt and transition thing. Some aspects were held back longer than I would have wanted as I tried to navigate my way through.

My partner still believes it went "all too fast" (a year from beginning to accept to going full time). So electrolysis started only a couple of months before FT and HRT was only a bare few weeks!! Whilst I've never had the most masculine of features, I look back and think I was very forthright in getting out there, and damn what anyone else thinks! I'd reached the point of "I seriously don't care, and I am now doing this, no matter what!"

It helped to be in a city that is mostly at ease with diversity and a workplace that was on board, courtesy of support from the local gender centre.

Since then I have had GCS two years later; FFS may or may not follow, and HRT has so far allowed me breasts that are pretty compatible with my size and shape.

There is no specific order to doing things - a fair amount is going to be governed by personal circumstances and immediate needs. In short - take it at your own pace, and good luck!

I pretty much took the 'flip the switch' approach.

I had told some friends that I had a medical problem for which I would be taking some medications that might alter my appearance a little, when I started HRT.  One of them did guess what was up but kept it quiet.  I was out only to my wife and children, all adults.

I resolved that I would try to keep this under control and not socially transition or come out, unless disaster struck and I was tossed out of the house.  Nobody saw me dressed except my therapist and support group.  And doctor.  And the folks in the restaurant where I had breakfast after an early appointment.  And the folks at Trader Joe's.  I wound up sort of out and transitioning everywhere except at home or where family and friends might see me.

Disaster struck and I was tossed out of the house. 

I let friends know what was actually happening, and they took it well.  With the help of others here and my therapist, I prepared a letter (https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/my-old-friends-michelle-paquette) explaining what was happening and used that to let members of clubs and organizations know what was up.

The Letter... (https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/my-old-friends-michelle-paquette)

I moved the last of the boxes to the apartment, changed clothes, and never looked back.

The gory details... (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,215456.0.html)

To this day I remain androgynous and dress fairly gender neutral unless Im having a really good day. The end goal is to fly under the radar until Ive atleast fully cleared my face. (Which is easier said than done the 'chestier' I become.) Voice is pretty solid so far and with voice therapy its only going to improve. Its pretty likely I'll lose my job once I socially transition there so Ive been preparing for that and the fateful meeting with my steward, management, and HR looms overhead.

Thus far I have no expectations for a 'cindrella story' in my future. Its going to go down exactly the way it does. The way its meant to and more than likely comoletely the opposite of the best laid plans or 'methods.'

I came out to myself around 2015/2016. Slowly came out to my few friends and immediate family but total silence at work (with a couple of exceptions who do know). Nowadays when in guy mode (ie. at work) I wear leggings, women tennis shoes, tights (visible at my ankles) and even an obviously female t-shirt sometimes (eg. I have one similar to http://partycity.scene7.com/is/image/PartyCity/P659053). Long nails, sometimes I paint them with shiny colourless varnish, or even some glitter. Planning a french manicure one of these days. I'm growing my hair. Zero makeup and ears not pierced yet.

So, not out at work but desperately screaming that I'm not a guy.

My plan after starting HRT (which should happen in a couple of months maybe?) is:

• Next summer (northern): my body won't change a lot so I won't have to hide anything.
  
• September: if my boobs starts to be noticeable, there's no problem because it gets colder and I'll wear two layers of clothing. Still a guy at work. Possibly some hair implants for improving density—shouldn't be visible.
  
• April/May: it gets hot again, specially in Spain but also in the UK. Depending on how much developed my body is:
  
• • come out, no point in denying it.
  • wear a sports bra and try to make it through the following summer.
• Towards December? FFS+SRS(+BA?). And, obviously, come out at that point if not done yet.
  
• Hair implants for the hairline and for concealing the scar of FFS.
  
  (not sure how to further indent a list within another list—the current attempt seems to do the trick, more or less)

I'm on the long slow train and favor the evolutionary approach, too. I've been doing HRT (lowish dose) since December (it's great BTW). I came out to my partner (married 25 years) about 4-5 years ago. To others I think I'm seen as a feminine male (long hair, sensitive, somewhat androgynous in dress), but almost always taken as male (or probably gay male). I'm really not willing to totally crash my life. My partner has a chronic illness with enough on her mind. I think I'm inclined to come out to people before I transition. In fact, other than pronouns, external biology and validation by others, I guess I already functionally live as a woman. Maybe that's as good as it gets. I read HappyMoni's account and smiled when she said she just recently got her ears pierced. That's me. I still haven't done that and maybe I will next year. Same with lazering the beard. I guess my roundabout point is that 1. I may never fully get to "full transition" as defined by the Jenner's and Cox's, 2. I really just want to be myself and have others accept that self (maybe braless, without makeup, in overalls digging in the garden) and finally 3. there's so much living to do in between now and whenever (and anything can happen), that I don't want transition to become my sole god in life.

I 've always planned on taking my time with my transition. I had in my head that I would go through the process in stealth for as long as possible, get my ducks in a row, and then make the quick & total change to Libbey. But as I progress, get closer to starting HRT, and begin to make changes, I'm seeing that as less & less feasible. I'm responding well enough to laser removal that my legs are already tactically hairless. I work in a warehouse that hits 90-95 degrees in summer, so there won't be any hiding that. As my hair thickens I'll let it start to grow long, and I've already started to become anxious to do things like pierce my ears. The bottom line is that I view a stealth transition as ideal, but I'm finding that it just won't be practical. At some point I'll have to accept that people will see me a feminine man for quite a while before anyone sees me as Libbey. I care a whole lot less about that now than I did 3 months ago and I realize now that it's just going to be part of this awkward journey toward womanhood.

Always dressed and acted however felt natural. Still doing the same. I was most definitely a misfit kid, used to being an outcast so that being one didn't bother me at all. It was something of a strange situation because it was only in school that I was an outcast. I often refused to stick to their gendered uniform. They eventually gave up trying to make me. I acted like a typical boy, for the most part - only worse, because I soon learned that innocent little girl's face of mine could get me out of all sorts of trouble I landed myself in, and the teachers thought I could do no wrong or never suspected me. In reality I was quite the troublemaker.

I didn't have a gendered upbringing. My parents let me play with whatever I wanted, wear what I liked. I wasn't a spoiled kid - the opposite compared to my younger siblings - parents just didn't devote a lot of thought to what I was doing. They thought an intellectual approach to bringing up a child would do for me, rather than one based on morals or discipline or socialization. I think as a result of that I had to figure out morality for myself, lacked discipline and was socially miles behind other kids and had to catch up. But I was smart, and I rationalized that nobody was necessarily better than me for whatever reason. I looked at the other kids and how they were suckers for peer pressure and that sort of thing failed to affect me.

So that carried on into adult life. I always did what I wanted to do, whether that meant people thought I was weird or not. When it came to transition, it was as if I'd already done most of it, was already used to the idea of being alone, dealing with being thought odd, dealing with not fitting in, etc. I haven't felt like I was keeping some great secret all this time, with everyone thinking I was something else entirely. I never tried compensating, since it seemed reality to me that I would always be "different" anyway. What would be the point of trying to fit in? Even my own mother used to say I was "different" all the time. She meant it as a compliment, so I took it as one and never felt bad that I was so apparently "different". 

The pace of transition is determined by T for me, I guess. Coming out to a few people was the closest I would get to a switch moment, and was anti-climactic since everything continued on as before, me acting as I've always done, them finding it... only a little less than normal. It wasn't me wearing dresses one day and suits the next. I've almost never worn dresses in adult life, although of course I'd not sprouted any whiskers or a deeper voice before, so that's different. Not much really changes, though. It's slow and steady and uninteresting for everyone else, I'm sure. Maybe they were expecting something dramatic? I suppose it could be quite dramatic if I go see my family again. They haven't seen me in the flesh for seven years now. I would rather they not see me until I've had a little more time.

The supervising doctor in the GIC thought I had already been partaking in RLE for a number of years sufficiently. I honestly hadn't thought about it until he said it.

I tiptoed into transition at work. It started with wearing clear nail polish and growing my hair to a short bob. Nobody noticed.  At this point I went to India and had hip and butt prosthesis inserted, so I now had 42" hips and had to wear woman's pants. No comment from anyone at work. I then had my ears pierced and started wearing very small earrings, No comments. Next, I wore hose and woman's shoes- mannish oxfords, but still women's shoes. Nobody noticed. Finally I had only one card left to play. I've always had 38C cup breasts that I kept bound at work and well covered. I went to work in a normal bra and a woman's blouse. That did it. I got genuinely curious attention from the girls, lots of questions. From the men it was mostly hateful comments, "care if I cop a feel" and that sort of thing. The next week I came to work dressed completely as a woman and there was a remarkable difference from the men. They started treating me as a woman- some even held the door for me. To the woman, I was mostly a new sister.

Rhonda, that's about how I transitioned at work. No one ever said anything so I thought no one noticed.

I grew my hair out, shaved my hands and arms, wore skinny jeans, wore colorful socks, pierced my ears and no one said anything. Finally one day I came in carrying my purse, still no one said anything.
So one day I'm talking to a friend from another department and I asked her if anyone had noticed any changes in me.
Her answer was "OMG, you've been the talk of the shop for several weeks!" Someone had even taken a picture of my feet one day when I wore socks with pink stripes. I came out at work two days later!

well actually, after I came out one of the office girls said "We knew something was happening when we saw you wearing clear nail polish". Oh fine- I'm wearing 42" hips in women's pants and they notice my nail polish.

I started with an approach of doing everything necessary (beard removal, voice, etc) and do a flip switch change around middle or end of 2018.

Looks like I planned to far into the future. [emoji6]
It's already so hard to go to work in guy mode and I feel so relieved and alive during the time when I can be me.

So next step will be official name change and everything related to it in May and full-time I guess will be middle of this year after I have spoken to my most important clients.

Well..I'm still figuring it out...and I was actually just about to post a new thread about name change, but since were on this topic I can ask my question here.
-Started HRT in Sept 2016
I came out do my dr in Nov 2016, because I had to do blood work for my tracheal shave.
(If money was no issue: HRT, Trach Shave, Lazer Hair removal, <---In between here is my struggle now --->enough facial feminization surgery to pass as a women, srs, name change, voice, breast implants.)
So now my method is this.  I am already on HRT, I already did my trach shave (But still not good enough job), my breast are slowly now growing so people will start asking questions,  I came out to my family, and a few close friends, job wise one job I put non-binary as my gender, my other job I had a panic attack a few days ago, had to go to the companies first aid room, and had a few medics ask me a few medical questions, told them I was transitioning, manager/supervisor probably over heard because they were filling in the paper work. 
Now that spring is approaching I can start buying/wearing more women's clothing but a bit more cover up. (Skinny jeans, tank-top, leather jacket, maybe boots.  Practice with make up, possibly in the summer time I can go bolder with my clothing. 
(Now comes the tricky part because of financial issues)
Lazer costs a bit high for my budget right now, and FFS/Voice will cost money too.
(In Ontario...For SRS you need
Approval for genital surgery
To be approved for genital surgery, you'll need:
two assessments recommending surgery (from a qualified doctor, nurse practitioner, registered nurse, psychologist or registered social worker)
one of the assessments must be from a doctor or nurse practitioner
both assessments must confirm:
you have a diagnosis of persistent gender dysphoria
have completed 12 continuous months of hormone therapy (unless hormones are not recommended)
you have lived 12 continuous months in the gender role you identify with (for genital surgery only).

So really right now......I can only be on HRT, and dress as my preferred gender.
I am debating if I should get my legal name change to a more feminine first and see where to go from there, because it would make me a bit more relieved if I can dress as my preferred gender, and my preferred gender name.  (For NOW)
Because once I have lived as my preferred gender for 12 months....I may be approved for SRS funding. 
But once I do my SRS...I'll be a women..and all the surgery stuff..is no rush.
I really dislike my male body.
Would a name change be a good idea?? and suggestions why or why not, or advice on where I can go from here?
I already applied a referral to a gender identity clinic..current wait time approx 21 months.....
So what can I do to continue ?

Quote from: Mikka55 on April 05, 2017, 05:59:02 PM
But once I do my SRS...I'll be a women..and all the surgery stuff..is no rush.

Everyone's thoughts, timeline, experiences and needs are their own.  However, one thing I do know... genitals do not make a woman. 

Quote from: staciM on April 05, 2017, 06:22:11 PM

Everyone's thoughts, timeline, experiences and needs are their own.  However, one thing I do know... genitals do not make a woman.

I mean I would be so much happier if I had a vagina and breasts.. So I don't have to deal with my male bits. 

Sent from my Nexus 6P using Tapatalk

Haven't started anything, but planning the gradual method, basically got the go ahead from the therapist for HRT, she says call if they want a letter or whatever, turns out they do, I just haven't gotten around to letting the therapist know, they want medical records from my GP as well, so I'll have to get that...

I was always a very non-conforming person in general.  I never liked sports and never pretended to.  I used to respond to people who wanted to talk about sports by mentioning figure skating, which I legitimately think is beautiful athleticism.  Some people would assume or accuse me of being a gay man, which is ironic because I'm actually a lesbian woman.

I originally tried transitioning a decade ago.  First I was wearing a combination of guy's clothes and girl's clothes.  I would try little things one at a time.  I would frequently wear eye liner and I was able to pass off as "goth" as an excuse when questioned.  I came out to some people at the time, and they didn't understand what I was trying to say.  I never used the phrasing "woman trapped in a man's body" because I felt my body was a woman's body with deformaties.  I quit because of lack of acceptance, and the pain of laser hair removal was too scary for me.  My approach at the time was: clothes first, facial hair removal second, and I would have gotten HRT next.

I resumed my transition last year.  I completely abandoned all men's clothing (except underwear because of comfort).  I came out to every person I could, including everyone on Facebook.  I tried to find HRT as quickly as possible and got it after a ton of effort.  I did some electrolysis and it actually left marks badly enough that the electrolysist asked me to give HRT more time before continuing.  Currently, I don't have a clear plan for access to SRS but I want it ASAP.

So the summary is, doing a gradual shift a decade ago didn't work.  Doing as much as possible with maximum effort now is working.

I'm still new at this, but the current plan is to transition gradually from androgynous to male.  (I've never been particularly feminine.)  I have some health concerns that are going to put off HRT and surgery for a bit, so clothing, hair styling, and general attitude are going to have to do it for a while.  I'd rather postpone going full time until my medical transition is reasonably advanced, but what I'm picking up from you lovely people is that man (or woman) plans, God laughs.  Right now I'm out to most of the people I really care about, and I'm presenting as androgynous/male in public.  So far, no problems.  Tomorrow a mob of villagers armed with torches and pitchforks may show up at my house and forcibly out me to the world.  Who knows.  I guess I'll just have to stay on my toes and be ready for whatever life throws at me.