Susan's Place Transgender Resources

I have been confused most of my life. I felt girlish when dressed. I felt depressed when I was not. But at no time did I ever feel gay. I sympathize with the gay persons plight as everyone should live their lives however they want and what one does in the bedroom is their business. But I found out I was not alone with my questioning nature and so many of our stories start out "I knew from an early age" But I at the age of 22 began trying to prove I was given boy parts for a reason, as a result I have two wonderful children and a wife that while I have presented her a lot of disappointment over the last 35 years, has stood by me and still professes her love for me.  To me my transgender status did not occur based on sex acts. Nor do I believe an over the top portrayal matches my desire to connect with half the human race. I love women. I want to be one. I have always wanted to be one. If I could wake up tomorrow and walk the walk, talk the talk, have babies, have female sensibilities that presently reside in the back of my mind.  Many  of  us are satisfied in our relationships and do not want to lose wives and family. My question is. Do you feel less a female because you want to continue your marriages and look to your wife to adapt. I have all the traits my wife say's she loves me for. Humor, compassion, dedication, sense of family and it has not changed in 35 years. I am blessed more than most. I have gotten comfortable with her. It beats always arguing, questioning each others motives, suspicion as I had in my first marriage. But, I would leave in a moment if I felt it was too much of a burden for her. Of the twenty or so family and friends I have revealed my secret to, have been supportive. As I witness the changes in my body after 7 months of HRT, I have no regrets. For the first time ever. my thoughts and emotions are under control.  I seldom feel depressed anymore. Instead I feel optimism that my final years will be celebrating what has been repressed for so long. 

Thanks for being there for me. I appreciate all of you.

<3   Dawn

Exclusiviley gay never? but i do recall claiming to be Bi in the senenth grade, got teased a bit for it for like a day (I think thye think i was joking) and dropped it. But yes, i spent lots of time beeliving I am just bi, or thinking that was the case

I have long known myself as queer and trans but didn't always use those labels.  I sought counseling in SF in the early 80s when I clearly knew I felt like no man at all and had already been intimate with other men.  The therapist suggested i was gay but I knew that was not the full story.  Transgender was not on his radar apparently?

Dawn I feel similar to you in knowing that if I had a magic wand I would have become a cisgender woman long ago.  We also know that being trans is relatively separate and distinct from our gender identity.  All kinds of women love other women and the majority seem to couple readily with men.  I feel lucky enough to have a sexual orientation that dosen't exclude anyone on the basis of their private parts.

I will say that being with a man did allow me to feel very girly even if they only saw me as a guy back then.

Never.  I have always thought men were gross and never had any interest in them.  The only reason I went along with being one was to avoid getting teased or bullied.  I have heard people say their attractions change after a while on HRT.  Personally I can't see that happening to me.  I can't think of anything that would remove that 'men are gross' feeling.

I don't feel any less female because I want to stay in my relationship.  I guess that makes me a lesbian.  I am fine with that.  My wife thinks it is a bit weird to become a lesbian through no choice of her own, but she is okay with it.  Those are just labels.  I think both of us are attracted to each other as individuals rather than as genders.

I find it interesting to contemplate the difference in my mind between the question "Am I gay?" and "Am I trans?".  I have had both questions pop up in my mind on my past.  I answered both with "no".  But in the case of "Am I gay?", the "no" stuck.  That was the right answer, and I never needed to ask myself the question again.  In the case of "Am I trans?", I kept on asking myself the question over and over again, always answering "no".  Had I been analysing the pattern, I should have figured out that the question kept coming up because I hadn't yet got the right answer.

Never fancied men as above Dawn but my wife could not take it but after 10years of cold shoulder I am not missing her although I wish we could have stayed together. Yes I like women and suppose I am lesbian butwho knows what HRT will do, Thing is if you have the working bits after srs don't you want to see what it like?

I always avoided thinking of men in any kind of sexual manner.
I always knew gay was rong in my house so i new not to let my mind wander.
I probably am somewhat interested in them but I have never confronted them in anyway.
Men scare me, probably gain this fear from judging them of my father :/

  I have never felt as though I was gay. I have always been exclusively heterosexual. I will admit that at times during sex with my then wife or while dressed as a woman I have frequently fantasized about having sex with a man. I do wonder even now what it would be like. I have never done anything like it not do I plan to.
  So I have to answer "No" to that question still. Though in all honesty I probably would try it if the opportunity ever arose.

  Hugs,
    Jeanette

I guess I'm not sure what you mean or what you are asking.

For the first 50 years I was attracted to women and only women and that's still the case today.  I've been transitioning for about a year and I'm still attracted to women.  Does that make me a lesbian - yes.  I've never had attraction towards men and I don't see that changing.  I love women so much, I wanted to be one.

As for not being able to have babies... oh well.  I'm 55 and don't really want one at this point in my life.  Did I miss out?  Maybe.

Would I take the magic pill and change today - YES.
Would I have taken the magic pill when I was 5 - YES.
But I'm glad I didn't.  I have two lovely kids and a 1/2 century of mostly positive experiences.

I understand that for some of us here, living as the wrong gender is a living HELL.  For me it was an annoyance that became uncontrollable.

Yes, I probably am.  However, I will never violate my marriage vows so it's moot.


Conform and be dull. —James Frank Dobie, The Voice of the Coyote

Women have always held my attraction, and it's always felt natural and comfortable - even now, when I have a much better idea of who I am, it is still my inclination. I've always been uncomfortable with facial hair, how men behave, and how men smell, and oddly enough always had gay friends (some of whom have tried in the past), who have tried but you know 'ugh' men.

Who I'm attracted to isn't driven by my being feminine - I need the story, I need my mind to be engaged, I'm not looking for a transaction, I'm looking for engagement, connection and interaction. I need to feel wanted, desired, and desirable. Most of all I need to be sure that my partner 'has my back', rather than throwing me to the wolves...and not smell/have a beard, or behave like baboons.

If I transitioned, I doubt much if any of this will change, except I would have a label that will be socially understood, that flies under the banner of gay, (cliche statement), I just wish I had worked out my gender issues as quickly as I had my orientation, but then I wouldn't probably have met my partner, and I love her dearly.

Rowan

Thought I was gay then realised I was bi. When I've had noodles I want rice next time

Quote from: davina61 on April 05, 2017, 03:39:08 PM
Never fancied men as above Dawn but my wife could not take it but after 10years of cold shoulder I am not missing her although I wish we could have stayed together. Yes I like women and suppose I am lesbian butwho knows what HRT will do, Thing is if you have the working bits after srs don't you want to see what it like?

Did I mention I have not had traditional sex in the last 25 years? Sex has been relegated to touching and feeling more than the wham bang thank you mam of the past. My first wife was a nympho, while we were dating we had sex every time we met. On the console of my Dodge. We only met up two or three days a week. After marriage and I was there every day, I could not bring myself to sex in bed every night it just did not present the same thrill as being caught under the police helicopters bazillion watt spot light. My therapist posed that is was my underlying questioning of my sexuality and after I thought about it, it began to make sense. I hated my boy parts. They were unlike any others that I observed. I have heard the cruel comments and it brought the feeling of being different home. Misti the therapist says I used this confusion as a wedge issue to push my love out of my life. Again it made sense. When we separated before divorce I was dressing every night. I really didn't marry my current wife of love. My apartment had been damaged during a fire and we were forced to move. Jo said she would look for a place and I said ok. I felt comfort because there were no sexual demands placed on me. Jo found out early on that I was crossdressing and she never really questioned it. Until I mentioned it again about a year ago.  However I never really made friends or associates of guys. At parties I would migrate to the women as they were much more fascinating. There is only so much ground to cover with sports, sex and cars before one loses interest. If I had started early enough to merit the FFS and GCS surgeries then perhaps changing sexual partner preference may have been a viable option.

I was always bisexual, but never thought much of it growing up.

However there was always a greater attraction to men. I still don't know why it should be weighted more in favor of them, and not 50/50, but I suspect it has something to do with the way men tend to idolize and emulate other men as well. I've heard this from cis gay friends of mine too. It makes for a strange combination to feel that set of feelings at once. I have to admit I'm generally much more comfortable around men for some reason as well.

I can see how that might make someone feel less manly (in the opposite scenario to yours) if they end up in a relationship with a rather bigger, masculine man than themselves. Dynamics and all that. I've involved myself with men both physically larger, and smaller than myself. It does make a difference, in some ways... but in my view if you love them you love them; when I love somebody I like everything about them, whether they're bigger or smaller than me, whether they can do more or less than me. I find ways around the particular issues my brain might have with that.

I've questioned my sexuality since early in my teen years but for the longest time identified as a straight male and just attributed it to curiosity. I experimented a little bit in college but I was attached to my current wife for most of my university career so never  had much opportunity. I've never been romantically interested or had a crush on a man, but I've definitely experienced sexual attraction & desire. At this point I consider myself solidly pansexual (it's about the hearts not the parts). I'm also convinced that much of my early questioning had to do with suppressing & denying being trans.

No, I'm definitely not gay. I have always been into women and, while discovering this trans stuff has opened my eyes to men and I discovered that I'd sleep with a few of them, that's far away from me being gay. Kinsey scale 1.

No, but lots of people thought I was. Though I guess since I'm MtF and planning on sticking with my girlfriend, they weren't exactly wrong.

I did fool around with guys but never did anything beyond sexual encounters.  It was fun but a romantic relationship with a guy never really appealed all that much, but that might have been a personal hangup on being visibly gay or something.

I came out as bisexual in 1994.  I soon found out that to the straight world that is a distinction without a difference. So it just became easier after a while to tell people I was gay.  Although, because I was hiding the whole I want to be a woman thing,  I never fit in with the gay community all that well either.  I always ended up wanting something more. 
I did have the experience about a month ago of flirting with a guy who was around my age.  Although he wasn't really my type (unlike most women I'm not really attracted to big macho men), I gotta say it was fun.

It's complicated. I identify as a heterosexual female.
When I was married it felt like I was in a lesbian relationship. I knew I wasn't gay, I've never felt the desire for same sex partner. 

I strongly prefer guys and am transitioning to male, so I guess that technically makes me gay.  I don't really think I feel gay, though--although I admit I'm not too sure I know what gay would feel like.  Maybe I don't identify with gay men because I haven't had to put up with the discrimination cis gay men have to live with.  That's an experience they share that I've never had. 

A very interesting question.
When I was younger and not on HRT I was not sexually attracted to men. I was sexually attracted to women.
When I realised I was transsexual and started to take HRT my view of men stared to change. This came as a shock when working in Scotland. I suddenly realised that I was very attracted to a male worker where I was working. I found myself walking around the office block just so that I could look at him.
Now, I openly admit that I am strongly sexually attracted to men and not women. There is no doubt the HRT has had that effect on me.
Does that make gay? I don't think so because my choice of a sexual partner has been determined by the hormones in my body at the time.
Hug,
Bronwen.

Felt that I was gay? No.
Wished that I was only gay? Yes.

Was unsure for a while, it all worked out to bisexual.  Glad I got that settled!

Well, when I was younger and didn't have the vocabulary, I thought, "Why am I feminine and feel like a woman even though I'm dating women? Does that mean I'm like, a gay man who likes women?"

I very quickly learned that I didn't fit in with the gay men at my school, and that made me more confused.

I didn't want to admit to being bi, especially because my best friends who were men thought of bi men as gay guys pretending they liked women also.

You all got me thinking again. My best friend has been in my life since I was sixteen, we did everything together for a long long time. I got married, He got married, I got married again. His wife always called me his girlfriend. At the time I thought it was funny. But you all got me thinking. Maybe subconsciously I am attracted to him. In fact all my male friends are from this same timeframe of 16 to 30. I have such a sense of dedication to our friendships, I am as loyal as you will find. But I must admit when the women were around I kind of got jealous.

No, not really. I had people thinking that I was when I was in grade school and in junior high. But that was because at that time an AMAB could only be MANLY/MACHO or else gay. They didn't understand about things like Trans, genderfluid, or non-binary. And I was definitely NOT manly/macho. Nor did I particularly want to be.

Through it all I have been fully and definitively gynophilic. I love women.

My male/masculine part loves women (clearly heterosexual). My female/feminine part loves women (clearly lesbian). The stuff in the middle goes along with the other parts.

I have had enough bad experiences (life experiences) with men that I don't like being around most of them (sensitive men excepted). I have always had more (and better/closer) friendships with women (with 1 possible exception). While I have friends and acquaintances who are gay, I don't have a closeness with them. I generally prefer the company of women.

I love the feminine form and always find it attractive. No matter which side is dominant on a given day or a given time (or evenly split -- it happens) I am attracted to the feminine form -- both body and attitude.

Hugs,
Jackie

I never used to be able to see any attraction in men. The first time I came close to finding a guy attractive I was 14 but I didn't realise what those feelings were at that time. Since I was about 18 I have basically been getting more and more attracted to men as well as women. For the past year or so I have identified as bisexual (in the closet).

I accepted that I was bisexual in my mid teens. Not having to think of it in a binary way i believe was good for me. I knew i wanted to marry a woman and have children and monogamy would have been fine with me, though that is not the path we chose. Sexual preference and gender identity are so separate things to me it is hard for me to make any conclusions on one based on anything from the other. I did get somewhat more attracted to men than usual after HRT.

I don't think that staying in a marriage should ever be thought of as a crutch etc. Its an admirable thing. Lesbians are just that no more or less trans than anyone else.

Well so far I still live as a gay man so I guess the answer is yes. I identify and MTF though so if I transition I'm pretty sure I'll still be attracted to men, probably even more than now cuz gay men aren't really my cup of tea but I've had to settle.

It is confusing for me, I don't find men attractive -.  I do have a desire to be taken, it is hard to explain.  I've come close a few times in the past, but never actually had relations with a guy.  If I were attracted to men, and were in a relationship I would definitely be a bottom.   

Am I gay?  I dunno, I don't think of myself as gay.  I could be I guess.  I just could never see myself in a relationship with a guy, I find women to be sexy, when I think of relationships I think of being with women.  But, I have a desire in me to be taken, if that makes any sense.  Taken, being the polite term of course.

That was really difficult to put out in words, lol. 

But if I am a transgirl, interested in other women, would that make me gay to begin with?  Oh, why does life have to be so confusing. 

Quote from: zamber74 on April 07, 2017, 01:30:43 PM
It is confusing for me, I don't find men attractive -.  I do have a desire to be taken, it is hard to explain.  I've come close a few times in the past, but never actually had relations with a guy.  If I were attracted to men, and were in a relationship I would definitely be a bottom.   

Am I gay?  I dunno, I don't think of myself as gay.  I could be I guess.  I just could never see myself in a relationship with a guy, I find women to be sexy, when I think of relationships I think of being with women.  But, I have a desire in me to be taken, if that makes any sense.  Taken, being the polite term of course.

That was really difficult to put out in words, lol. 

But if I am a transgirl, interested in other women, would that make me gay to begin with?  Oh, why does life have to be so confusing.

Being bisexual my sexual orentation doesnt change with my gender identity....... in a technical sense anyway ;)

I sometimes get asked if I'm gay; but I'm married to and in love with a woman.  So eventually those people decide that I'm just eccentric.   ...I guess that's one way to put it.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Quote from: zamber74 on April 07, 2017, 01:30:43 PM
But if I am a transgirl, interested in other women, would that make me gay to begin with?  Oh, why does life have to be so confusing.

That's why the therapists started using the terms androphilic and gynophilic. They simply express whether a person is attracted to men or women. It doesn't matter the person's biological equipment or gender. (Andro -male; gyno -female; philic - liking or attracted to)

While some people don't like the terms (still makes it binary) I think it removes some confusion... especially if one allows someone to be both androphilic and gynophilic (bi- or even pan- sexual).

Hugs,
Jackie

Quote from: Jackie S on April 07, 2017, 04:16:00 PM
That's why the therapists started using the terms androphilic and gynophilic. They simply express whether a person is attracted to men or women. It doesn't matter the person's biological equipment or gender. (Andro -male; gyno -female; philic - liking or attracted to)

While some people don't like the terms (still makes it binary) I think it removes some confusion... especially if one allows someone to be both androphilic and gynophilic (bi- or even pan- sexual).

Hugs,
Jackie

I like these terms.

Quote from: SailorMars1994 on April 07, 2017, 01:38:03 PM
Being bisexual my sexual orentation doesnt change with my gender identity....... in a technical sense anyway ;)

i always find it interesting that now my wife is the "same sex" relationship in my life and my boyfriend is the "heterosexual relationship". That is just the way it is. Some people look at me in disbelief when i say it, but it is completely true. I agree being bisexual makes its an easier to represent all of that.

Quote from: RobynD on April 07, 2017, 05:28:34 PM
i always find it interesting that now my wife is the "same sex" relationship in my life and my boyfriend is the "heterosexual relationship". That is just the way it is. Some people look at me in disbelief when i say it, but it is completely true. I agree being bisexual makes its an easier to represent all of that.

You have an open-relationship eh? cool! But yes, i love my bi-ness ^.^

Quote from: zamber74 on April 07, 2017, 01:30:43 PM
It is confusing for me, I don't find men attractive -.  I do have a desire to be taken, it is hard to explain.  I've come close a few times in the past, but never actually had relations with a guy.  If I were attracted to men, and were in a relationship I would definitely be a bottom.   

Am I gay?  I dunno, I don't think of myself as gay.  I could be I guess.  I just could never see myself in a relationship with a guy, I find women to be sexy, when I think of relationships I think of being with women.  But, I have a desire in me to be taken, if that makes any sense.  Taken, being the polite term of course.

That was really difficult to put out in words, lol. 

But if I am a transgirl, interested in other women, would that make me gay to begin with?  Oh, why does life have to be so confusing.

I feel the same way. Good post!

In my early teens, I thought I was a lesbian. By mid-high school I'd found out I was bisexual. These days I'm mostly attracted to men. It's strange how these things change as you grow older. You would've thought that finding out I was male would have skewed my attraction more towards women, but it didn't work that way for me.

Quote from: SailorMars1994 on April 07, 2017, 08:43:04 PM
You have an open-relationship eh? cool! But yes, i love my bi-ness ^.^

Yes open for sure. Not at all perfect but open :)

There are times when the idea crossed my mind, other people always seemed to think I was gay, but I was never attracted to men and I figured that was probably a key part of the experience.

That being said I am attracted to the idea of having sex with a man as a woman, but I've never met any individual male that I'm attracted to in that way. Perhaps the hormones might changes that, I know I'm open to the idea.

I grew up in a very socially conservative and somewhat religious family life and quite honestly, I think it messed up my sense of sexuality.  In that community being gay was wrong, which is pretty much what was modeled for me growing up.  I never understood that, it was just the way it was.  And as a kid, you tend not to know any better.  As I grew up and started to question these dogmas, I found myself rejecting these societal notions.  Knowing that I wanted to be a girl from a young age, but not wanting anyone to know for fear of losing everything, being beaten up, or being disowned by my family let me to think for the longest time that gay was not right.  Thankfully, I grew out of this as I grew up, and of course I grew to accept who I was, transition, and to live a very full and happy life.

Many people have asked me over the years if I was gay, and one of my sisters actually told me that she would have preferred me to be gay instead of trans.  Yet, I wasn't gay, I was never attracted to men growing up.  I have always been attracted to women, which is another reason it was tough to come out as trans.  Society makes it hard for us to accept ourselves by telling us we are wrong or that being gay is wrong.  So when I removed these societal constructs and started accepting the diversity of society, I was able to accept myself as a trans woman.  I also began to think, or rather, ask myself if I might be attracted to men.  Honestly, I really haven't been.  I have kissed a few guys and to be honest some have made me feel special, but that is it.  I have never felt the need to have a man in my life, or in my bed.  I have always enjoyed the company and comfort I have had with women, and this continues to this day.

Several weeks ago, during my mute phase following VFS, a guy hit on me and we started a brief exchange of text messages.  While this was flattering at first, I never had those feelings after the exchange like I have had with women I have met.  Do if I look at the orignal question of the thread post "Did you ever feel you were gay?"  I would have to say yes, but not until after I transitioned.  I am gay now, or more precisly I am a lesbian now.  And I am comfortable with this and with being who I am--a strong, sucessful, woman-loving, trans-woman. 

-Sarah

Quote from: The Flying Lemur on April 06, 2017, 04:06:38 AM
I strongly prefer guys and am transitioning to male, so I guess that technically makes me gay.  I don't really think I feel gay, though--although I admit I'm not too sure I know what gay would feel like.  Maybe I don't identify with gay men because I haven't had to put up with the discrimination cis gay men have to live with.  That's an experience they share that I've never had.

I don't feel gay either, nor identify with a particular group especially. I think we're imagining it's supposed to be a certain way and a certain thing but who even knows or can be sure if it feels the same way another person feels it?

Attraction has certainly been a strange experience for me, and one I rarely act upon enough to be sure it's anything like that of gay men. I had many gay friends through college and university and went out with them a lot, but never felt a part of the circle, the community. I never acted on any attractions back then. Now I'm convinced most of my interactions were all due to the "skin" I wore being perceived female and that they would have been very different in my current state. Also a strange thing to go from being considered in a straight relationship to being thought of as in a gay one when you yourself haven't moved an inch anywhere. Like watching the world warp around you.

Quote from: Terence on April 08, 2017, 12:22:19 AM
In my early teens, I thought I was a lesbian. By mid-high school I'd found out I was bisexual. These days I'm mostly attracted to men. It's strange how these things change as you grow older. You would've thought that finding out I was male would have skewed my attraction more towards women, but it didn't work that way for me.

Not as isolated as you may think. I am bisexual and it has always been that way, even when I was in denial of that too. Still, i found pre-HRT for a couple years (both before coming out as trans and shortly after) i was more attracted to men then women. After starting HRT i found that my orientation has shifted to being primarly intrested in women but still have a drive for males aswell. I am kinda picky with my males. Whereas pre-HRT i was intresting in more tyipical men oddly enough, now,  I like more femme/androgonous/non-binary males with a sweet cuddly side. Those are my type of males!, but still I am more towards the females now. Tho I am Bi I will probably end up in a lesbian relationship more then likely :)

I never felt I was gay though from around the time of my puberty I was attracted to women and androgynous men/trans females. I never acted upon those feelings for androgynous men/transgender females but I really wished I had. Ever since I started therapy I told my therapist that I'm a male lesbian because I adore women and more so feminine women. However, since I've accepted that I was transgender, I have had dreams where I was in bed with a man. On occasion I've even fantasized about being with a man but I think in part that's because I seek validation as a female and sometimes I feel like it's something I need. Honestly, the only thing I've really given a lot of thought to was how much easier life would be if I were just gay instead of transgender.

I think I'm pretty much bi-curious but mostly lesbian because I adore women more. I just really don't like guys or beards or anything like that. I really think that guys are GROSS! There I said it....LOL  :D

Quote from: zamber74 on April 07, 2017, 01:30:43 PM
It is confusing for me, I don't find men attractive -.  I do have a desire to be taken, it is hard to explain.  I've come close a few times in the past, but never actually had relations with a guy.  If I were attracted to men, and were in a relationship I would definitely be a bottom.   

Am I gay?  I dunno, I don't think of myself as gay.  I could be I guess.  I just could never see myself in a relationship with a guy, I find women to be sexy, when I think of relationships I think of being with women.  But, I have a desire in me to be taken, if that makes any sense.  Taken, being the polite term of course.

I've on occasion had this same fantasy of being taken. I think it also runs the way of male validation.

Quote from: DawnOday on April 06, 2017, 06:54:12 PM
You all got me thinking again. My best friend has been in my life since I was sixteen, we did everything together for a long long time. I got married, He got married, I got married again. His wife always called me his girlfriend. At the time I thought it was funny. But you all got me thinking. Maybe subconsciously I am attracted to him. In fact all my male friends are from this same timeframe of 16 to 30. I have such a sense of dedication to our friendships, I am as loyal as you will find. But I must admit when the women were around I kind of got jealous.

It's funny you mention this because although I have never liked my male friends in a sexual/romantic way, I have experienced that internal jealousy when other men or women were around. It's almost like I'm being possessive with them. it's weird but a very common feeling for me.

Back before I finally realized that the constant desire to be female was, in fact, ->-bleeped-<-, (I was always of the odd notion that "that can't be me.") I considered myself a Pansexual male.  Part of what lead to it finally clicking that I was probably a transwoman was sex: sex with women felt awkward, and sex with men was great as long as I wasn't asked to do anything masculine, which just felt wrong.

Still pansexual, but I bet I'll enjoy it more post-op. >!>;;

Yes

gay is one thing i don't think i've ever been.  i realized i had an interest in girls around middle school, but i did my best to deny it just like i denied being transgender.  but denial or not, it was there...

i remember when i first started really trying to bring up the topic of transition with my partner at the time, though, the question arose of whether he would "feel gay"--how he would feel about being in a relationship with a man, and how he would feel about being perceived as gay as a result.  his answer was "i'm not gay, i'm just big-boned!"
i thought it was pretty funny then, and took the joke as a sign that he wasn't all that bothered.  i soon realized it was actually just his way of avoiding the issue entirely, and the relationship was dragged out for another few years before we broke up because he wasn't interested in being with another man. 
and looking back now, it's become apparent that he not only thought of me as a woman during all of that time, but that his overall image of me was... someone who didn't really exist.  he felt like he had lost the person he married, and our relationship now is reduced to a casual friendship.  i try not to think on it too much because when i do, it hurts.  i don't want to destroy the friendship we still have, but one of these days i know i'm going to have to confront him about it.  because he was wrong.  i didn't suddenly become another person.  i was always there; my sense of humor, my likes and interests, my personality... none of that went away.  i have changed a lot over the years, as most people do, but i never stopped being "me".  the only things that went away after i started accepting my gender identity were the skirts and the makeup, and at least some of my anxiety issues.  i'd like to think those things were not how he defined me.  but if the person he loved is just gone, then what else could it be?  he must have never seen or loved me for who i really am, because i know for a fact that the things that made me me didn't go anywhere.

Quote from: meatwagon on April 10, 2017, 12:21:27 PM
gay is one thing i don't think i've ever been.  i realized i had an interest in girls around middle school, but i did my best to deny it just like i denied being transgender.  but denial or not, it was there...

i remember when i first started really trying to bring up the topic of transition with my partner at the time, though, the question arose of whether he would "feel gay"--how he would feel about being in a relationship with a man, and how he would feel about being perceived as gay as a result.  his answer was "i'm not gay, i'm just big-boned!"
i thought it was pretty funny then, and took the joke as a sign that he wasn't all that bothered.  i soon realized it was actually just his way of avoiding the issue entirely, and the relationship was dragged out for another few years before we broke up because he wasn't interested in being with another man. 
and looking back now, it's become apparent that he not only thought of me as a woman during all of that time, but that his overall image of me was... someone who didn't really exist.  he felt like he had lost the person he married, and our relationship now is reduced to a casual friendship.  i try not to think on it too much because when i do, it hurts.  i don't want to destroy the friendship we still have, but one of these days i know i'm going to have to confront him about it.  because he was wrong.  i didn't suddenly become another person.  i was always there; my sense of humor, my likes and interests, my personality... none of that went away.  i have changed a lot over the years, as most people do, but i never stopped being "me".  the only things that went away after i started accepting my gender identity were the skirts and the makeup, and at least some of my anxiety issues.  i'd like to think those things were not how he defined me.  but if the person he loved is just gone, then what else could it be?  he must have never seen or loved me for who i really am, because i know for a fact that the things that made me me didn't go anywhere.

That's how we see it. But it's not the same for them.

There are some physical characteristics that are just not attractive to straight men. In some cases they are actually revolted by the idea of being physically close with someone with the same characteristics as themselves. In the end the sex and attraction part comes down to a choice. You do it with someone because their characteristics turn you on, or you do it with them while their characteristics do not tun you on, and probably don't get much fun out of it; there's also whether or not a person can have a romantic sort of life with or without sex in it.

Don't be too harsh on them. After all, we know what it's like to have to put up with using body parts we don't want, and how much it messes with the mind. I'm not sure it's fair to expect them to do the same with their innate biological responses. If you remove those from love, and the sexual aspects from it, then you're left with a friendship. I guess. When he says "gone", he may be referring to the characteristics that attracted him physically, which if you're on hormones will eventually be gone.   

It's true - when people love sexually, they are judging by the physical to some degree, and a lot of it isn't something they choose to like but wired in. I didn't understand this for a while, since that wasn't how I went about things. I couldn't enjoy it the way they could, so I didn't get it when they placed so much emphasis on it. But they are different from us and sex is less complicated for someone who doesn't have our problems; they sort of auto-pilot through it maybe... never thinking that deeply about it. When you've got issues like this, you've no choice but to learn how to love more deeply or with more complexity and to look more into the person than the body. It's something they aren't forced to do, no surprise some of them have no idea how to, or have no desire to look any further than they have to.

The nomenclature on all of this still fascinates me and the Wikipedia articles on sexual preference seem to be pretty open. It would seem that a heterosexual male that only has interest in women, immediately becomes "gay" as soon asa they identify as a woman. Obviously we can all identify as we choose, it is just really interesting.

Sometimes as bisexual i feel i maybe should identify as pansexual instead as there is a difference.

Quote from: Kylo on April 10, 2017, 01:06:57 PM
That's how we see it. But it's not the same for them.

There are some physical characteristics that are just not attractive to straight men. In some cases they are actually revolted by the idea of being physically close with someone with the same characteristics as themselves. In the end the sex and attraction part comes down to a choice. You do it with someone because their characteristics turn you on, or you do it with them while their characteristics do not tun you on, and probably don't get much fun out of it; there's also whether or not a person can have a romantic sort of life with or without sex in it.

Don't be too harsh on them. After all, we know what it's like to have to put up with using body parts we don't want, and how much it messes with the mind. I'm not sure it's fair to expect them to do the same with their innate biological responses. If you remove those from love, and the sexual aspects from it, then you're left with a friendship. I guess. When he says "gone", he may be referring to the characteristics that attracted him physically, which if you're on hormones will eventually be gone.   

It's true - when people love sexually, they are judging by the physical to some degree, and a lot of it isn't something they choose to like but wired in. I didn't understand this for a while, since that wasn't how I went about things. I couldn't enjoy it the way they could, so I didn't get it when they placed so much emphasis on it. But they are different from us and sex is less complicated for someone who doesn't have our problems; they sort of auto-pilot through it maybe... never thinking that deeply about it. When you've got issues like this, you've no choice but to learn how to love more deeply or with more complexity and to look more into the person than the body. It's something they aren't forced to do, no surprise some of them have no idea how to, or have no desire to look any further than they have to.

oh, i know; physical attractions can't be helped and they play a part in the whole concept of a romantic relationship.  i'm not complaining about people having deal-breakers.  i just feel like i was reduced to a feminine persona and nothing else.  like, you'd think after being with someone for so many years, sharing a life and a home with them, going through as much as we did together, there would be something more to it than that.  but now it's like all the good times and the hardships may as well have never happened.  he won't talk about anything in-depth or really serious, and while i can understand up to a point that he avoids it because this whole thing affects him too, it doesn't do anything to make me not feel like he never really loved the real me in the first place.  i am pretty sure loving people for more than just their looks is not exclusive to transpeople; i have no expectation whatsoever that someone will stick with me in a sexual/romantic relationship after an irreconcilable physical change, but i was damn well hurt when he talked about me as if i no longer existed altogether.  i am not a makeup kit, and while i do not care if someone isn't "gay for me", i think it says something about the strength--or lack thereof--of our relationship as a whole when, after breaking up and just being friends, removing that one aspect is enough to say that the entire person you married is no longer here.  i'm right here.  i look different, and again i have no problem with that being a deal-breaker, but i'm still here.

No I never felt I was gay, before transition I liked and loved the company of women and all things feminine, but not in a sexual way, I liked women because I wanted to be a woman, then I transition and embraced womanhood, I'm now a woman married to a man who accepts me as a woman.

When I first came out to my 26 year old daughter as being a transgender person who identifies as female, her first response was to ask me "Have you dated any men?"  Nope.

I had to explain to her that not only is Daddy female, but Daddy is a lesbian.

Orientation-wise I am sexually and romantically attracted to women.  In terms of style I am Blue Jean Femme.

Quote from: Michelle_P on April 11, 2017, 10:36:57 AM
When I first came out to my 26 year old daughter as being a transgender person who identifies as female, her first response was to ask me "Have you dated any men?"  Nope.

I had to explain to her that not only is Daddy female, but Daddy is a lesbian.

Orientation-wise I am sexually and romantically attracted to women.  In terms of style I am Blue Jean Femme.

This may be a stupid question but... What is blue jean femme :)?

Quote from: SailorMars1994 on April 11, 2017, 10:43:08 AM
This may be a stupid question but... What is blue jean femme :)?

OT, but I tend to dress casually but feminine, jeans, solid color fitted tee, ankle boots and floral scarf today. Full "no makup look " makeup.

I enjoy makeup and femme clothes. I identify my orientation as lesbian.



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In Vietnamese culture and household words gay or transgender is forbidden and taboo. So most the time I didn't know who to talk or get help. I thought I only one with weird problem for a long time, until I found internet to learn about
my personal problem I been going through. I finally found some help for my private feeling.

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Very good topic. When I was in grade school, 4th grade, I was living as a little girl basically and had a boyfriend. I remember us being in bed together naked. I'm not sure if we had full on sex or not, but I know we fooled around a lot, kissing, BJ's etc... I had another boyfriend at around 15 and definitely had sex with him. I was always "the girl" in these relationships. My male persona developed out of survival due to bullying and suicidiality and was aided by raging alcoholism. I just tried to "go along" I guess and wound up being married to a woman and had 2 kids. I remember sex with my wife always being difficult and I would quit a lot without climaxing. I just blamed it on the alcohol, which was probably partly true. We weren't intimate the last several years of the marriage. Over the years I would catch myself gazing at guys and wondering what they looked like naked. I never really "girl watched" like that. Fast forward. When I finally sobered up and got honest with my true self I initially came out as gay. I just knew I didn't love women like that. My gay friends didn't attract me though and they said the same. As I remembered and and rediscovered Wanda, I realized that all the guys I am attracted to are strait. The feelings I get today when I find a man attractive are way more powerful than anything I've felt before. That has only intensified with HRT. I am looking forward to the future and excited about it. Finally. So to sum it up I identify as a strait woman, although until GRS I am technically gay.

Quote from: Wanda Jane on April 17, 2017, 12:34:29 PM
. So to sum it up I identify as a strait woman, although until GRS I am technically gay.

Just curious (if i am prying please accept apology and disregard) as to why you feel this way? You identify as a woman, regardless of your physical parts does that not make your heterosexual in your mind? Like i said above the labels on all of this sort of fascinate me, probably too much.

Yes, I'm strait in MY mind. I'm just noting that since I like guys and still have male parts I'm technically gay. I'm all girl inside though! (-:

Quote from: RobynD on April 10, 2017, 03:25:29 PM
The nomenclature on all of this still fascinates me and the Wikipedia articles on sexual preference seem to be pretty open. It would seem that a heterosexual male that only has interest in women, immediately becomes "gay" as soon asa they identify as a woman. Obviously we can all identify as we choose, it is just really interesting.

Sometimes as bisexual i feel i maybe should identify as pansexual instead as there is a difference.

Yes, I get that distinction as Bisexual reinforces the concept of just two genders.  For labeling purposes I am pansexual but not unlike the Bonobos chimps, I am just sexual, as parts mean less than hearts :D

I tend not to view people in such absolutes. Gender is a construct. It's their; for want of a better word, "soul" that gets my wheels turning. Does that make me, Bi ?
How they view me is also not that important to me. Does that make me , Gay ?



Paula, X.

You're as gay as you want to be.

Myself, I like to identify as "if you have a pulse, you might have a chance-sexual"

Quote from: Terence on April 08, 2017, 12:22:19 AM
In my early teens, I thought I was a lesbian. By mid-high school I'd found out I was bisexual. These days I'm mostly attracted to men. It's strange how these things change as you grow older. You would've thought that finding out I was male would have skewed my attraction more towards women, but it didn't work that way for me.

This is pretty similar to how my orientation evolved. Before I had heard of transgender, I identified as a lesbian for awhile in high school, though I never dated any girls (or anybody for that matter). Once I got to college and having to live in the dorm with women and started to realize I was trans, I was kind of turned off by anything or anyone female. As I've come to become comfortable that my gender identity is not as binary as I initial thought, I've become more open to women again. Currently I identify as pansexual with a preference for men.

My sexuality is also driven a lot by fandom, fictional characters, and shipping. For example, the series Legend of Korra, with all of its strong female characters, contributed to me being interesting in women again.

I grew up frequently being accused of being gay.  I definitely feel the "men are gross" thing and have no interest in or attraction to masculinity at all.  Figuring out that I was a lesbian woman was a little extra difficult, because I had never heard of someone being born as a straight male and then transitioning into a lesbian female.  Had I known it was possible, I would have been aware of myself sooner.  It does make sense that in a lot of my past romantic relationships I was referred to as "the girl in the relationship" even when I was presenting as male.

I recently determined that even though I am attracted to women, I am actually asexual.