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I feel like this post will  go mostly unnoticed and few replies....but here goes:

I'm unsure what is wrong with me at this point. Since my major breakdown in November/December 2015, I haven't really been quite the same person since. Additionally, I survived a suicide attempt in February, which landed me in the ER, and subsequently the psychiatric ward.

My ability to keep up with learning, conversation, and intellectual capacity seems to be decreased. I am super depressed most of the time, carrying with me very little hope of making anything for myself; my life.

I'm in a mental health rehabilitation track right now to try and get me back to functional life. By functional, I mean able to work, able to go to school. At this time, even those are hindered to a non functional level.

I wonder where I went wrong, what I did wrong, to end up this way. I've always had mental health issues, but never did I have issues maintaining conversation, carrying a steady stream of thought process. Now, it's like I struggle to maintain the most basic things, and it further pulls me into the abyss of depression. Sometimes I wonder if the cocktail of psychiatric medications I'm on is having an effect with me having a clear thought process. As it is, I am having to really try to keep my thoughts organized to write this message out.

I wish there was a way out. I'm alive...but only just. There's no substance to my life. There's no content. Just shallow, lifeless emptiness. I feel sometimes like involving myself in the forums doesn't amount to much as I don't contribute that much to the community as well...

Hi Finding reason,

  I'm Jeanette. I'm sorry you have had to go through the things you did. It is some serious stuff you are dealing with.
Although I have never had any dealings with mental health until I requested gender counseling I have gone through some depressing times. I lost my wife of over 20 years, lost my job of about 15 years, and lost my Dad All within a 6 month period. It took me about 2 years to become a functional part of society again. If I told you I did not contemplate suicide during that time I would be lying. Several times I thought this world could do without me. I can tell you a shotgun barrel tastes awful. But when it came down to it I could not pull that trigger or drive into that overpass. Something kept me going and I did live through it. And you can too.
   I see a lot of concise thought in your post. There is a think valuable human being in there. Your fugue could very well be due to the concoction of medications they have you on and those medications though possibly necessary can be adjusted. I'm sure your medical team are doing what they feel is best for you. You need to hang in there and give them a change to work their magic and get well. You can beat this thing and work through the problems that put you there. Give it time.

  Hugs,
   Jeanette

Hi Hon,

Wow! I am so sorry to read this. What are your medic saying? Have you discussed weaning off medication to reach a more 'aware' state?

I hope and presume you are under the care of mental health professionals who can identify the core issues.

If there is anyway we can help please let us know, you have the support of everyone here.

Cindy

Antidepressants in my experience are necessary but evil necessity. No doubt they steal IQ points, cause confusion and make you doubt their effectiveness. However there are many types available and maybe your docs need to try something else. Having said that, only coming out and starting HRT has brought real stability to my psyche. It's as if my brain knows something has been missing, and is rejoicing over the rediscovery of estrogen.

Quote from: Cindy on April 13, 2017, 05:21:54 PM
What are your medic saying? Have you discussed weaning off medication to reach a more 'aware' state?

I hope and presume you are under the care of mental health professionals who can identify the core issues.

Quote from: JeanetteLW on April 13, 2017, 05:21:01 PM
You fugue could very well be due to the concoction of medications they have you on and those medications though possibly necessary can be adjusted. I'm sure your medical team are doing what they feel is best for you. You need to hang in there and give them a change to work their magic and get well.

Well one medication I'm on, Diazepam, can over extended periods to my understanding cause some cognitive impairments. I used to be on Clonazepam before, but my psychiatrist switched me because Diazepam has a longer half life, and is easier to wean me off of than Clonazepam. Additionally, we are looking into starting me up on a new antidepressant because my current one seems to have lost all effectiveness after it's 5 years of use.

Quote from: JeanetteLW on April 13, 2017, 05:21:01 PM
I lost my wife of over 20 years, lost my job of about 15 years, and lost my Dad All within a 6 month period. It took me about 2 years to become a functional part of society again. If I told you I did not contemplate suicide during that time I would be lying. Several times I thought this world could do without me. I can tell you a shotgun barrel tastes awful. But when it came down to it I could not pull that trigger or drive into that overpass. Something kept me going and I did live through it. And you can too.

I'm so sorry those things happened to you.

It sounds like I'm not the only one that has lost functionality after some severe events...it's tough. Very tough. I went into deep depression for the first month after my suicide attempt. It was the first time I tried to actually carry one out, and next thing I knew I was in an ambulance and was given charcoal solution for the medication cocktail I took to kill myself with. Next thing I knew I was throwing everything up, and then was monitored overnight and had very low blood pressure pushing around 80/55.

Quote from: DawnOday on April 13, 2017, 05:32:58 PM
Antidepressants in my experience are necessary but evil necessity. No doubt they steal IQ points, cause confusion and make you doubt their effectiveness. However there are many types available and maybe your docs need to try something else. Having said that, only coming out and starting HRT has brought real stability to my psyche. It's as if my brain knows something has been missing, and is rejoicing over the rediscovery of estrogen.

After I started my antidepressants five years ago, they did cause me some clouded thought processes, but nothing like nowadays. HRT helped me a lot in the beginning, but now that I've adjusted, and lots of life events happened, it's just another day now really.

Quote from: Cindy on April 13, 2017, 05:21:54 PM
If there is anyway we can help please let us know, you have the support of everyone here.

Cindy

I hope there is. I think one of the hard parts I'm dealing with is I'm still in the process of culture shock having moved to Finland just over 10 months ago. It's been a lot harder adjustment than I expected it would be. I hope one day I can integrate into society here better and go to school for what I really want to do in my life. I've had my hopes and dreams destroyed twice in my life as far as career and pathway, and I'm hoping the third time is a charm. I can't take a whole lot more heartbreaks.

Well keep posting and talking as maybe getting communication going with some friends will be a good way for you to start establishing some normality again.

It doesn't matter what sort of health issue we happen to be dealing with at any particular time, and of course we have a bucket load amongst us here, talking and establishing communication with people who can support a bit really helps.

Quote from: Cindy on April 13, 2017, 05:55:34 PM
Well keep posting and talking as maybe getting communication going with some friends will be a good way for you to start establishing some normality again.

It doesn't matter what sort of health issue we happen to be dealing with at any particular time, and of course we have a bucket load amongst us here, talking and establishing communication with people who can support a bit really helps.

Yeah, I don't have a whole lot of communication that's meaningful these days, so getting back into the swing of it may help a bit. I've been kind of socially isolated for a while, and only recently trying to do things again to get out of the apartment and get online and such here.

How did you end up in Finland?

Quote from: Cindy on April 13, 2017, 06:17:57 PM
How did you end up in Finland?

I'm married to my spouse, who is Finnish. We decided it would be better for me to come out here, we decided against settling in the United States. I actually met her here on the forums several years back. We became quite close and eventually ended up romantically involved, and now married. I don't regret moving to be here with her, it's just a lot of life adjustment and building a whole new life for myself.

Winter is a low time for many people due to the lack of sunshine. I hope you feel better with the return of the sun to the great north country. If you feel this is relevant, investigate Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD).

I also hope you can make local friends, not to devalue us here on the forum, but hey...  The more connected you are, the better you are likely to feel.

Good luck. Love,
Randy

Quote from: findingreason on April 13, 2017, 06:25:08 PM
I'm married to my spouse, who is Finnish. We decided it would be better for me to come out here, we decided against settling in the United States. I actually met her here on the forums several years back. We became quite close and eventually ended up romantically involved, and now married. I don't regret moving to be here with her, it's just a lot of life adjustment and building a whole new life for myself.

  I understand that culture shock a little.  My last year in the US Navy I was stationed on the 6th fleet flag ship USS Albany stationed in Gaeta Italy. My family and I lived in the local economy in the neighboring town of Formia. We didn't know the language and communicated or needs with hand signals alot. It was a definite experience. I loved the breads there and haven't found anything as good when we came back to the states.
  Culture shock is difficult, but survivable. You can do it.

  Hugs,
   Jeanette

One thing I did notice after going on HRT (on testosterone, not female hormones) was a sudden ability to think more directly and clearly. My way of thinking became less nebulous and more focused, within a day or two, and has remained that way for all of the time I have been taking it.

I am no doctor, but it suggests strongly to me that female and male hormones subtly affect the way we process our thoughts. The change to your feelings could possibly be because HRT is affecting how you process them.

But like you say there is a lot for you to process. Probably more likely the stress of living in a new culture and other things you are dealing with are the greater cause.

Thanks so much for the replies everyone. <3

Quote from: RandyL on April 13, 2017, 08:56:10 PM
Winter is a low time for many people due to the lack of sunshine. I hope you feel better with the return of the sun to the great north country. If you feel this is relevant, investigate Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD).

I also hope you can make local friends, not to devalue us here on the forum, but hey...  The more connected you are, the better you are likely to feel.

Yeah, even though I have not been officially diagnosed with it, I know I suffer from SAD. At the latitude I live at, we get about 4.5 hours of sunlight a day during the month of December. It's not pleasant. My mother-in-law lent me a sun lamp she wasn't using for the winter, and it helped a lot. We have 15 hours of sunlight now, so things are a lot better now.

I've made some friends in the area, though I want to meet some more and expand my social circle a bit more.

Quote from: JeanetteLW on April 13, 2017, 08:56:46 PM
  I understand that culture shock a little.  My last year in the US Navy I was stationed on the 6th fleet flag ship USS Albany stationed in Gaeta Italy. My family and I lived in the local economy in the neighboring town of Formia. We didn't know the language and communicated or needs with hand signals alot. It was a definite experience. I loved the breads there and haven't found anything as good when we came back to the states.
  Culture shock is difficult, but survivable. You can do it.

It's a blessing and a curse, but many Finnish people know English pretty well. So it is possible to survive here using English. But that's not what I want to do, I want to learn Finnish and eventually integrate. The problem is I'm worn out from feeling out of place, depression, and what not, and it's killed my motivation to learn at the moment. Also my memory is not functioning as well as it used to. So I certainly hope I can get through this and thrive at some point.

Quote from: Kylo on April 14, 2017, 09:24:33 AM
One thing I did notice after going on HRT (on testosterone, not female hormones) was a sudden ability to think more directly and clearly. My way of thinking became less nebulous and more focused, within a day or two, and has remained that way for all of the time I have been taking it.

I am no doctor, but it suggests strongly to me that female and male hormones subtly affect the way we process our thoughts. The change to your feelings could possibly be because HRT is affecting how you process them.

But like you say there is a lot for you to process. Probably more likely the stress of living in a new culture and other things you are dealing with are the greater cause.

I had similar effects early on in HRT where mental clarity and just well being happened when I started estradiol. I just had a lot of bad life events that came later, including losing my job, losing a chance to get in my career, leading up to the breakdown I had in late 2015 I mentioned. I definitely think situational and medication related problems are causing the problems I'm having with concentration, mental clarity, and more.

Hon, one post is a great contribution. Especially because it lets us, and more importantly you, know that you're fighting that hopelessness. You're looking for support from others to help you thru it. I would be willing to bet that a good deal of the people here have gone thru what you're feeling right now. I know I have. I have tried so many times to end my life, that I lost count. And in several different ways too. Mostly hanging. But, thankfully, it never worked, and let me tell you, a sprained neck HURTS. Afterwards I was on so much medication I was a zombie. I would sit and just stare at the wall for hours and not realize that any time had passed. As already stated, sometimes meds are needed, but can be a necessary evil.

Never feel like you are alone. I would imagine you have at least one person in your real life to help you thru your darkest times. And if not, you have everyone here. We may not all agree with each other on certain things from time to time, but no one is going to try to tear you down. Quite the contrary. We are going to try to build you up. You are worth a lot more than you realize.

One thing I started doing that could help you. Sit down every day and come up with 5 things that are good about yourself. Ignore what you think may be bad. Concentrate on the good. Then when you start feeling down again you can bring out that list and see that you are worthwhile.

I can relate to the way you are feeling as I have had 3 suicidal crises in my life.  The 1st one culminated in an unsuccessful attempt at the age of 26.  But the second one was in many ways the worst.  It occurred 10 years ago when my dad died.  I fell into a deep, physical depression.  I was deep bone tired all the time.  I couldn't get enough sleep and when I awoke I was dead tired.   I just wanted to stay in bed all the time. Just moving from my bed to my computer was like walking thru molasses.  It lasted for about 18 months.  The loss of my mental abilities to think and learn was pretty substantial which really took me by surprise.

Eventually I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder, put on ssri's and started to get better.  What kept me going was hope.

Some things that helped me:
Keeping a journal. 
Physical exercise regardless of how much I hated doing it. 
A healthy diet. 
Give yourself credit - some days I would take it as a major win if I could just get one single thing done.

Yeah, I'm feeling hopeless, but still trying to get myself out of this rut of heavy depression. After my suicide attempt in February, I was also diagnosed with major depressive disorder. I'm just waiting to try a new medication because my current ssri (lexapro) is not working too well anymore I think. I'm bad at following through on doing positive activities though like you both listed to try and help with the depression.

Quote from: Jane Emily on April 16, 2017, 12:15:26 AM
I was deep bone tired all the time.  I couldn't get enough sleep and when I awoke I was dead tired.   I just wanted to stay in bed all the time. Just moving from my bed to my computer was like walking thru molasses.  It lasted for about 18 months.  The loss of my mental abilities to think and learn was pretty substantial which really took me by surprise.

This is basically what I am going through right now. I sleep too many hours instead (slept 16 last night and then spent 2-3 in bed after trying to get up and just trudging without energy, only to go back to bed). My clarity of thought is just shot and gone. It takes me motivation just to type replies like this.

Yea that sounds way too much time in be and I recall the days I as like that.

I did try heavy exercise as in gym work and very loud rock music to try and rewire myself before my meds and psychiatrist and I get onto the right path. It did help but finding what works for each of us as an individual takes time.

What you should hang on to is that when the medication balance etc orgs out then you will be back to a normal life pattern so there is always hope.

Quote from: Cindy on April 16, 2017, 05:04:57 PM
Yea that sounds way too much time in be and I recall the days I as like that.

I did try heavy exercise as in gym work and very loud rock music to try and rewire myself before my meds and psychiatrist and I get onto the right path. It did help but finding what works for each of us as an individual takes time.

What you should hang on to is that when the medication balance etc orgs out then you will be back to a normal life pattern so there is always hope.

It sounds like from the responses I got, possibly my symptoms with issues with cognitive skills and memory, as well as functioning could very well be from heavy depression. My therapist recently had me do the Beck Depression Inventory and the first time came back 44 (extreme depression) and a month later was 37 (severe depression).

Maybe there is hope for me getting better? After I get things going with my psychiatrist and such and a new medication, hopefully it'll give me the boost I need to get back on track.

Thank you so much everyone for your responses, they mean a lot, and I don't feel so alone going through this at the moment. It's still tough, but I feel I have a community I can come to in order to get through these times. <3

You do.  I'm glad you're still with us. 

Sleep is a 2-edged sword.  At times the body needs more sleep than usual to heal but during a major depression it's not your friend.  It is siren's call that if we answer it only makes our depression 1. worse or 2. keeps us from getting better.  I was told by a doctor that sleeping more than 9 hours a nite is not a great idea as tempting as it may seem.  Setting an alarm clock to prevent that kind of sleep and at least setting a goal of 9 or less hours a nite might be something to consider.  Also, the kind of sleep you are getting is very important. Delta wave sleep is the deepest sleep.  That's when the body releases HGH (Human Growth Hormone).  Too much sleep actually interferes with our ability to reach delta sleep or to remain there.

Hi there, findingreason, I'm sorry to hear that things have been going so badly lately.  From what you describe of your cognitive problems, they do sound like they could be caused by depression.  I've had varying levels of depression nearly all my life, and I can just about imagine exactly where you are: not ill enough to need a hospital, but too ill to function well outside of one.  It's a lousy position to be in.

When I feel like that, I try to accomplish little things, like immediately showering and getting dressed when I get up, so I'm less tempted to go straight back to bed.  They say that immediately making the bed can help with this too, but when I feel terrible that is the absolute last thing I want to do.  I'd rather save my physical and emotional energy for things I get more out of.  Another thing I try to do is avoid becoming isolated.  Cutting yourself off from friends and family is so easy to do, especially if you're feeling like you have nothing to offer them anyway.  But isolation makes everything so much worse.  I volunteer at a suicide prevention website, and over and over I hear desperate people say, "I used to have friends, but now that I need someone to talk to, I have no one."  My advice is to do what you can to keep lines of communication open, even barely. 

Feel free to message me any time you like.  I visit this board pretty much every day, even if I don't always post a lot.  I hope things get better for you! 

Quote from: Jane Emily on April 16, 2017, 11:51:37 PM
Sleep is a 2-edged sword.  At times the body needs more sleep than usual to heal but during a major depression it's not your friend.  It is siren's call that if we answer it only makes our depression 1. worse or 2. keeps us from getting better.  I was told by a doctor that sleeping more than 9 hours a nite is not a great idea as tempting as it may seem.  Setting an alarm clock to prevent that kind of sleep and at least setting a goal of 9 or less hours a nite might be something to consider.  Also, the kind of sleep you are getting is very important. Delta wave sleep is the deepest sleep.  That's when the body releases HGH (Human Growth Hormone).  Too much sleep actually interferes with our ability to reach delta sleep or to remain there.

I definitely sleep way too much and I know it. :-\ I sleep on average anywhere from 10-14 hours a night lately....additionally I've been sleeping at very unusual hours. Going to bed between 4-6am, and waking up at 4-7pm. My normal sleep cycle when I'm doing mostly okay is around a 12-1am bedtime and around 10am wake up. However, it's possible that the increase in sunlight (16 hours a day now), and long twilight hours (nautical twilight lasts 3 hours total a day, and civil twilight about 2 hours) could be interfering further with my sleep. I needed to start using a sleep mask and putting the black out curtains shut.

Quote from: The Flying Lemur on April 19, 2017, 08:35:55 AM
Hi there, findingreason, I'm sorry to hear that things have been going so badly lately.  From what you describe of your cognitive problems, they do sound like they could be caused by depression.  I've had varying levels of depression nearly all my life, and I can just about imagine exactly where you are: not ill enough to need a hospital, but too ill to function well outside of one.  It's a lousy position to be in.

When I feel like that, I try to accomplish little things, like immediately showering and getting dressed when I get up, so I'm less tempted to go straight back to bed.  They say that immediately making the bed can help with this too, but when I feel terrible that is the absolute last thing I want to do.  I'd rather save my physical and emotional energy for things I get more out of.  Another thing I try to do is avoid becoming isolated.  Cutting yourself off from friends and family is so easy to do, especially if you're feeling like you have nothing to offer them anyway.  But isolation makes everything so much worse.  I volunteer at a suicide prevention website, and over and over I hear desperate people say, "I used to have friends, but now that I need someone to talk to, I have no one."  My advice is to do what you can to keep lines of communication open, even barely. 

Feel free to message me any time you like.  I visit this board pretty much every day, even if I don't always post a lot.  I hope things get better for you! 

Yeah, right now it's entirely possible that depression is interfering with my cognitive function. I'm hoping to see my psychiatrist soon to switch me to a new antidepressant. I know they aren't the total answer to depression, but if one can help me out of this rut enough that I can start functioning to lift myself out, I would be so eternally grateful. I'm teetering between that fine line of non-functional depression and hospitalization level depression, like you said. I've been having off and on suicidal thoughts the last few days. It's been a tough trip to get myself up in the afternoon, and stay up a whole day and do anything productive. Even posting on the forums take a lot of effort beyond just a few lines of text.

Thank you for your messaging offer, I will definitely keep it in mind. <3

Something about this thread bumped something in my head. Have you gone through a sleep study yet? That's where they wire you up for the night and monitor what happens while you sleep. If you are not getting the proper type of sleep for a number of reasons it could affect your awake state and make you require far more sleep than normal.

Quote from: Dena on April 23, 2017, 05:07:28 PM
Something about this thread bumped something in my head. Have you gone through a sleep study yet? That's where they wire you up for the night and monitor what happens while you sleep. If you are not getting the proper type of sleep for a number of reasons it could affect your awake state and make you require far more sleep than normal.

I have not---that's a good point. Very well worth bringing up to the psychiatrist and seeing if the appropriate department at the central hospital could do something.

So I just talked to my therapist today. She talked with my psychiatrist, and he is willing to switch my antidepressant to a new one. The only caveat is I have to wean off my current one first. I will be in a bit of a vulnerable state while I wean off, so I'm hoping I don't have any mental health crisis during this time, especially considering how much mental health instability I've had over the last few months. But ultimately this will be for the best cause I definitely need to try something new.

That's good.  I hope the next one you try does the trick. It took me 4 tries before I found Celexa which works well for me.  It's not uncommon to have to try several.  I hope everything goes well for you during the interim.

Have you considered abilify? I never had to but I've read it helps some people as an add-on to their ssri.