Susan's Place Transgender Resources

I do not know if this is common at all but if I go out and it's not people I know, I seem to automatically go into this overly exaggerated boyish thing like the mannerisms and all. I dont know if it's a defense thing or Im just afraid of anyone saying anything. People would never guess behind it all that there is a girl, not a guy there.

Once Im out of wherever it is, the "act" ends and Im happy to be able to act and think like the girl I really am again. For once, Id love to be able to be me completely anywhere and be like this is me, not that act. Where I live, it's not as easy to be me. The boyish act is not only stupid but it's also stressful for me.

The whole act is not as bad like if Im around family or people I know but strangers, it's bad. Someday I hope I dont ever have to put on an act ever again. Larisa gets sick of hiding.

Interesting,  I experience the same,  but the other way round. Out in public with strangers I find it easier to be,  feel and behave authentically, but around family,  I'm aware I tend to revert to the old me.

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I put the same facade/wall up early on in life for everyone....internalized it all.  Easier from one perspective, much harder on the other.

I do this too, it's automatic, just throw yourself in prison every day when you try to go outside, I've been taking the prison down brick by brick, it's a long process, and I'm not really sure what to do with all these bricks. I do it when anyone is around though, even the gender therapist. We'll see if the breakthrough I had the other day helps at the next appointment though.

Ditto here. I'm very guarded when I'm out and about in areas or spaces among strangers, friends, and co-workers and it's stressful. I'm out to my mother and brother, my wife, and my best friend. With them I don't put up that wall though around my wife, the wall partly goes up. I will say that not having to be so guarded is such a relief. Being me unfiltered is so liberating that I wish I could be like that all the time but my fear of being outed holds me back.

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No one is defined by a single personality. Human beings adapt to changes in their surroundings, from wearing different clothes in summer and winter, to using different language depending on whether your talking to a five year, your grandmother or your best friend.

No one of these roles is any more our "true selves" than any other. There are roles we will enjoy more than others, the are roles we will spend more time in than others. Sometimes we will mismatch the role to the situations.

But these are all still aspects of who you are. What we choose to show to the world defines us just as much as the parts that we choose to hide.

The goal is be yourself in each role and make that role work for you. If you are feeling like you are pretending, it's because you have chosen to pretend. Your role is your choice.

I'm finding that same thing is diminishing.  In my case I was trying to play the "compete for Alpha Male in the room" syndrome.  I HATED IT.  I never liked playing that game but felt I had to to keep up the charade.  Now I just watch as others play.

It's habitual.

As a kid I had very few social skills and even less idea how to put them into use to fit in. It took two decades of life just to begin to understand how to socialize properly and at that point I had no ingrained acts or habits other than cluelessness. Over time however, I semi-consciously learned what vocal and physical cues people responded better to from me, and which ones scared the crap out of people and to avoid. Being what I am, it didn't feminize me very well, nor did it come natural... but I did find my voice doing things and saying things that I knew would put people at ease and made me seem more friendly because as a rule, I scared people. People have told me I was intimidating. It seems a rare thing people say a female-looking individual intimidated them just by speaking or looking at them. But apparently I did. Many times and with different people in different situations.

So you pick these things up without realizing - and slowly you start subconsciously to do what you know others respond better to with you, whether you like to do it or not. Humans are skilled imitators and we end up imitating others to fit in. But you can undo it as well. It just takes conscious note of your interactions and retraining yourself.

Of course now I no longer need to make myself overly friendly to avoid having people tell me to smile, or suggesting to do this or that to stop making them feel uncomfortable. I can relax and be myself and they leave me alone to my "scariness" or whatever it is they imagine I am.

We have all done it at some point.  For any of us not yet full-time, we probably still do it.  I know that, when I put on my male disguise, my emotions and mannerisms automatically revert to male mode instantly.  I can't wait to take off the disguise and go back to being me.  (Tomorrow is my last day wearing the disguise!)

I'm still analyzing my behaviors and mannerisms and deciding what it makes sense to keep and what I'd rather throw out.  Kind of like going through a closet of old clothes, I suppose.  I have some feminine mannerisms I revert to when people make me anxious, because a more "people pleasing" persona is more likely to get a friendly response.  Knowing how to put people at ease that way is useful, and I plan to keep that behavioral toolkit around in case I need it.

If I want to pass for male, however, (and I do, if only to avoid being treated badly by people who don't know how to handle conflicting gender signals) I'm going to have to polish up some tools that I haven't used as much.  My voice is naturally fairly boyish, which I like, but I have the classic musical female intonation going on.  I'd like to be able to turn it off at will, and turn on . . . something else.  Not exactly the voice I hear in my head, because it's not always appropriate to use your "inside voice" with other people, but something closer to it.  Ditto for the way I stand, walk, sit, etc.  Everything is up for re-consideration at the moment.

Doing a lot of the same here, just "the other way", to make myself more comfortable in the short term I'm letting a few little things go, trying a "boil the frog slow" approach to my transition, just adding little things here and there, the goal is that by the time I get around to coming out the most common reaction will be "I know." Or "That makes sense." Instead of "Oh, you're one of those?" Or "BEGONE, AGENT OF SATAN!"

I worry about that last one the most, lol.