Susan's Place Transgender Resources

About a month ago I wrote a post on how I still have feelings for my ex and that I feel I can't be without her. Well after a few therapy sessions and a period of no contact except for her sending me statements of accounts for my child I have been slowly getting over her.

I was busy writing a response to her about how everything is her fault and memories about what I have done started popping up.

An interesting thing that happened is that I realized not all of it was her fault why things went south. I sort of blocked out all the bad things I have done that made her decision justifiable. She did give me the chance after I came out to stay a man but all that I was doing was gasping for air drowning in dysphoria and depression. I wanted to transition and frighted the whole way too let her allow me too and stay with me and not divorce or leave me. I only saw myself in this period and no one else's pain around me. I was only worried about being able to transition and keep everything I have. I wanted my toast buttered on both sides where I could only have one side.

She did not want to be with a woman. It is as simple as that. I flipped out big time with depression as a driver. I could not function in life I could not work I was paralyzed by dysphoria and depression till a couple of months that I moved out and managed to drag my sorry butt back into the world. I only started seeing life again when I started transitioning and got a new lease on life in that way. But still I wanted to turn back and go back to my past the whole time. I blamed everything on her and did not see the part I played in the whole destruction of the marriage. Today I feel like I have better insight as to what went wrong and why she divorced.

I am sitting and wondering what would have happened did I stay a man. Would I have flipped out even more eventually killing myself. I hanged myself in the bedroom and she cut me down just in time. My child saw that. How stupid was I?

I realize today that there was nothing I could do to stop divorce after that I should have just left as I was asked and respect her wishes. I only caused myself even more pain and rejection after that and made her resent me even more by trying to patch things up and begging for a second chance and being stubborn and not going my own way.
Would you stay with your spouse after two serious suicide attempts? Would you rather leave them because you can't be with them as a woman and let them transition?

I am sitting today and doubt if I would stay with my boyfriend if he was transgender and wanted to transition. I want normality in my life. What I was doing was not what she wanted and no matter how hard she convinced herself it is what she wanted it was not.

I think I have some sort of regret about it all and how I acted. Divorce was my fault in the end and I got what I deserved. She was not a walk in the park herself and have part in it all also till today she still is emotional abusive and a narcissist but that is who she is.

At least I get to live a life now as who I am with someone that loves me in all my ->-bleeped-<-. In the end I got my second chance at life and have the oppertunity to treat my dysphoria and get help for my condition by transitioning. In the end it is what I wanted but with a steep price.

I'm in the same boat. I never attempted, but I've had serious intentions. My wife said the same thing; that she could not be with a woman because she's not a lesbian. My wife is also a lot like yours: emotionally abusive and narcissistic. Can't say that I'm not a narcissist, myself, but I've recognized it and am trying to use it in a positive way. Really, though, we fight like sisters when we get into it, with the difference being that I start shutting people out and go depresso (not a word; it's just how I describe what I do). It's no wonder that we're seen as "twin flames"; we're too much alike, yet we're so different. We decided to remain best friends by separating and then, later, we will divorce. We want to stay part of each other's life, but we can't live together anymore.

It sucks being put in that position by our condition. I had to meet her new boyfriend today that did not help alot and only made the cut deeper. I can only hope that she finds happiness in this new person and that he is everything she wanted. I could not be that man due to actually having a female gender identity. It sucks but she is not attracted to femininity. I don't know what I am bitching about because I am in a new relationship and it is going well, sometimes I have regret and wish I could be that man and feel that I failed. But it is only to save myself the pain of not having my child with me. I don't know how you can be in a relationship and still long back to the previous one at times. Even though I do get to be female in this one and live as female.  ???

  Hi Amoré,

  Your post shows you have come a long ways towards your recovery. I call it recovery because what you have done is taken a long hard look at yourself and your part in your break up with your ex. I always takes two in any dispute. Each person plays a part it the conflict and neither is blameless. Taking this step of looking at your part in it is what , in AA, we would call taking the 4th step. "Make a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves"  This step is a foundation step in recovery as it makes one looks at what has gone wrong in their life and their part in it. Which of course sets the stage for dealing with it. This is where you are now. Now you can work on moving on with your life and be grateful for it. Now that you have admitted your part in it you cam work on forgiving yourself and perhaps forgive your ex for her part too. I was able to do that with mine. I eventually was able to see some of it from her side and come to the conclusion that divorcing me was probably the best thing she could do for herself at the time and wish her well. That ended my part in her affairs. I was able to let go and let her live her life without me in it.
  Amoré, you post is growth, it is healing, it is acceptance, and it is a fine step in moving on with you life as you want to live it. You are a better person for writing it. I'll bet though it hurt to admit your part, it was also a relief to do so. 
   
   Good Job, Amoré.

  Hugs,
    Jeanette

Quote from: JeanetteLW on April 22, 2017, 09:21:08 AM
I eventually was able to see some of it from her side and come to the conclusion that divorcing me was probably the best thing she could do for herself at the time and wish her well.

I would agree with this as the best thing she could have done for herself. She had to look after herself because I was funking out. I could not contain the dysphoria beast anymore I could not tame it. I was a lose canon. I should have walked away instead of pleading for her to have mercy on me and give me a chance to come back as a husband and a father. I think all that rejection that I can't be a husband because I am transgender only made my dysphoria worse. It was one of the pillars of justifying my transition. I told myself I can't be a husband for her because I am trans so how would I be a husband for anyone. I asked myself how long would it be before I funk out again and maybe in a new relationship with another woman after I put up the whole male persona again. What if that woman walks out if she finds out I have gender dysphoria. I would rather transition then and give my new partner a transgender woman and have nothing to hide.

I Amore,

I am happy for you. It is a very painful process and you have a new start.

In my situation when I realized it would be better for both of us if we divorced then it was much easier to accept. We both have a right to be ourselves and we had some really great experiences together as well as some really painful. When I realized we love each other but not as married people then I accepted divorce was the best option.

My wife said she could not be married with a woman. I remember the last time we tried to have sex. Tears rolled down her cheeks and she said I just can not do this. I can not express how bad that feeling felt but I knew it was over.

We tried to stay together but the marriage was over. It was time to move on.

Quote from: Rachel Lynn on April 22, 2017, 09:48:02 AM


My wife said she could not be married with a woman. I remember the last time we tried to have sex. Tears rolled down her cheeks and she said I just can not do this. I can not express how bad that feeling felt but I knew it was over.

We tried to stay together but the marriage was over. It was time to move on.

The last time me and my ex tried to have sex I was the one that could not bring myself around. I just could not do it and sat sobbing as she watched because it just felt wrong being in a masculine role. I am very emotional today and not jumping through the roof with joy it is really a ->-bleeped-<-ty feeling. But I have to move on also.

Quote from: Amoré on April 22, 2017, 09:12:58 AM
I don't know how you can be in a relationship and still long back to the previous one at times.

She's the only person I've ever had a serious relationship with. I've been married to her for 14 years and we have children together. It's difficult for me to move on. I imagine that I'll move on over time, but it's not going to be easy, as I'm sure it wasn't easy for you. I hope my wife and I find people to fill that gap in our lives; people that make us happy and that we genuinely love and respect. That's all I want for us and our children.

Quote from: SiobhánF on April 22, 2017, 12:13:57 PM
She's the only person I've ever had a serious relationship with. I've been married to her for 14 years and we have children together. It's difficult for me to move on. I imagine that I'll move on over time, but it's not going to be easy, as I'm sure it wasn't easy for you. I hope my wife and I find people to fill that gap in our lives; people that make us happy and that we genuinely love and respect. That's all I want for us and our children.

I am so sorry for your situation. I know exactly how you feel. I wished I had your insight when I was in this situation and just walked away. It seems that you want to move on where I didn't want too and was hoping that she would change her mind and take me back. I literal crawled on my knees in front of her like a slave begging her to give me a chance. I did not want to accept my reality and go my own way and carve my new path in life. I stopped my transition for her that she can see I want to stay a man for her. But still I was a coward I smothered her I did not give her space. I was there every day and night begging her giving her reasons why we should try to work things out. Well I drove her away in the process. I believe I would have been much better off today emotionally if I did not do this. But in that period I saw what hurt me the most that I was in fact female and that I needed to transition if she did not take me back.

I hear you. I was tempted to do the same, but I fortunately realized early enough that my efforts would have been futile and in vain, and that the end was inevitable. I made a promise to myself to break any illusions I have about anything. If I were to try and stay a male for anybody, I would be forcing the illusion upon myself and others even longer.

I agree with you on this that we only live an illusion. We only put forward an illusion to people that is actually the opposite of who we feel we are. Well in the end I would have lived that illusion for the rest of my life if I did not transition. I would have never expressed who I feel I am. I tried to in subtle ways though.

In the end I found new love and she deserves love also. I found a new life and she must also. There will never be a life where we would be as much as friends in this reality there is just too much damage. But each to their own. I must leave her and let it be. I have to move on step by step and forgive myself eventually. It is for the best.

Quote from: Amoré on April 22, 2017, 03:07:47 PM
I agree with you on this that we only live an illusion. We only put forward an illusion to people that is actually the opposite of who we feel we are. Well in the end I would have lived that illusion for the rest of my life if I did not transition. I would have never expressed who I feel I am. I tried to in subtle ways though.

In the end I found new love and she deserves love also. I found a new life and she must also. There will never be a life where we would be as much as friends in this reality there is just too much damage. But each to their own. I must leave her and let it be. I have to move on step by step and forgive myself eventually. It is for the best.

Obviously, the love affair is over. But you know what? You guys saw something in each other when you met. You share life you've both given together. If I were in your position I would become her best cheerleader. By that I mean I would shower her with positivity and all the help I could possibly give her. I'd tell her that even though I couldn't be her man, that I'd love and respect her till the day she dies. If she needs a shoulder to cry on, I'd be there. If she needs a girlfriend to laugh and gossip with I'd be there. If she meets a nice guy that treats her right....I'd revel in that with her. In other words, I'd do all I could to make myself her bestie. Turn this all into something awesome. Take the lemons and make lemonade.....I mean.....why not?? It's good for you, it's good for her...it's good for the kids. Nothing good can come of anything less. And who knows what could blossom from being her advocate. With whatever path you choose, I wish you all the luck in the world.

Quote from: Amoré on April 22, 2017, 03:07:47 PM
I agree with you on this that we only live an illusion. We only put forward an illusion to people that is actually the opposite of who we feel we are. Well in the end I would have lived that illusion for the rest of my life if I did not transition. I would have never expressed who I feel I am. I tried to in subtle ways though.

In the end I found new love and she deserves love also. I found a new life and she must also. There will never be a life where we would be as much as friends in this reality there is just too much damage. But each to their own. I must leave her and let it be. I have to move on step by step and forgive myself eventually. It is for the best.

Indeed. Do what you need to do. We are who we are and doing something that goes against that is a form of violence against ourselves. I am of like mind, in that she deserves to be happy as much as you do (I've told my wife the same and I support her in whatever decision she makes for her own life). If you feel the itch to make a friendly connection, don't ignore it. I think Jentay said everything else I might have wanted to touch on. Do what you will, but make sure that it's right for you. You'll figure out the rest. ;)

It would have been awesome to be friends but unfortunately in my case the cut is too deep for both of us. I don't think there is hope to rekindle a friendship out of this as the site of her makes me uncomfortable. It makes me that I want to go back to my family my family was always more important to me than myself and transitioning.That family is gone now but I still want it. I still beat myself up till this day that I could not beat the depression and the pain of gender dysphoria. That the only way out was transitioning. If I see her I beat myself up even more. She made it clear that we will never ever be friends. I respect that also.

I apreciate what you've stated. Does that mean you cant be kind and respectful of her regardless of how she speaks to you?  Are you saying that there's no way for you to be the adult in the room and just set down the animosity and anger? If your children truly do come first then be kind to her under any and all circumstances.  Even in the face of her anger and belittling tirades. If she shows you this much contempt, always keep in mind that the oppositeof love is not hate, it's indifference. If she has the energy to show you so much contempt, it means she still cares on some level. If she didn't,  she would simply never speak to or of you ever again. That's how it works when you're truly done with someone. Your kids deserve both of you...see if you can't get her and yourself to understand that perspective. They need their parents.

Quote from: Amoré on April 22, 2017, 03:07:47 PM
I have to move on step by step and forgive myself eventually. It is for the best.

You are being very hard on yourself. You didn't choose to be trans, you didn't choose GD, you didn't make this situation happen, life dealt this hand to both you and your wife, your choices are only about how you deal with it, neither of you get to choose wether you have it or not.

Don't blame yourself for fighting GD, you were only doing what society told you that you had to do...it is in our nature as humans to fight for survival..in the beginning of your life that meant, surviving as a man, for you to be able to one day live as a woman.

Liz

Quote from: jentay1367 on April 23, 2017, 12:46:45 AM
I apreciate what you've stated. Does that mean you cant be kind and respectful of her regardless of how she speaks to you?  Are you saying that there's no way for you to be the adult in the room and just set down the animosity and anger? If your children truly do come first then be kind to her under any and all circumstances.  Even in the face of her anger and belittling tirades. If she shows you this much contempt, always keep in mind that the oppositeof love is not hate, it's indifference. If she has the energy to show you so much contempt, it means she still cares on some level. If she didn't,  she would simply never speak to or of you ever again. That's how it works when you're truly done with someone. Your kids deserve both of you...see if you can't get her and yourself to understand that perspective. They need their parents.

I actually are kind and respectful towards her. When there is interacting it is calm I keep my feelings to myself as I have a boyfriend now I can't let them slip. I normally just listen and say as little as possible if there is a conversation about something.We share a child after all. Maybe one day after the no contact period it would be better when my feelings for her subsided. When she can stand in front of me with her new partner and I don't wish I could go back and fix everything and be that man for her.It is only a wish a dream it is part of my regret I guess. I have to accept that I can't go back and that is what I am working on I can't fix the past.

I am trying to understand why I am where I am today as this transgender woman. Why divorce happened and she took that path. Seeing what part I played in it. Knowing she did beg me to not transition and to cope with dysphoria and stay a man and I blew the chance I had because she gave up and believe I could not cope and stay a man and even if I did stay a man she had a fear of me breaking down again in the future. She feared that I would commit suicide on her watch. I think I would respect a friend choice of divorcing her husband if he did what I did. I would respect her choice if she can't be with him anymore because she feels that he lied to her for years about who he was. I would understand if she could not be with a woman. If she got fed up. Why doesn't my ex deserve the same respect ,I was in the wrong.

I am in a similar situation.

Even without my transitioning, we have been slowly drifting in two different directions for over 10 years. We do not do anything substantial together anymore.

No drama. No crying. No threats. Just doing what each of us wants to do as individuals, which does not include each other.

Quote from: Dani on April 23, 2017, 06:57:55 AM
I am in a similar situation.

Even without my transitioning, we have been slowly drifting in two different directions for over 10 years. We do not do anything substantial together anymore.

No drama. No crying. No threats. Just doing what each of us wants to do as individuals, which does not include each other.

I wish I could have done that with my ex. I was clingy needy, could not have her go her own way. I threatened her manipulated her I was a bad person.

Quote from: Amoré on April 23, 2017, 08:24:09 AM
I wish I could have done that with my ex. I was clingy needy, could not have her go her own way. I threatened her manipulated her I was a bad person.

You weren't a bad person. You were clinging to something that wasn't going to last and you were trying to keep what wasn't yours; her freedom of choice. Now, you have the hindsight to realize that you made mistakes and you are more aware of your emotions and can control yourself more. You grew as a person and that's not a bad thing. You're in a better place because of the conflict you went through. You are wiser; stronger.

Quote from: SiobhánF on April 23, 2017, 08:35:11 AM
You weren't a bad person. You were clinging to something that wasn't going to last and you were trying to keep what wasn't yours; her freedom of choice. Now, you have the hindsight to realize that you made mistakes and you are more aware of your emotions and can control yourself more. You grew as a person and that's not a bad thing. You're in a better place because of the conflict you went through. You are wiser; stronger.

Thank you for the insight I did try to keep her freedom of choice for myself. Wise words that gives me better understanding.

Today I feel very bad for what I have done to cause that mess. I feel that I am slipping back into depression, My head is spinning I have negative thoughts just want to cry and feel disabled. Memories of how bad it was and must have been for her is flooding my mind as I am sitting here trying to concentrate on work. How can I forgive myself for that mess. I was the cause why I am sitting today without my child under my roof. It eats me alive although I do see her every weekend I forgot what it is to be a parent in a way because she is only visiting I am not raising her.

It eats me to know some other guy is having more access to my child than I do. He is there in the week and weekends she sees him during the week after school. I guess I just have to suck it up because what can I do about it. I will always be the other parent.

I wrote an email to my ex and don't know if she read it saying sorry about everything and taking responsibility for my actions. I wish she did read it because it is really from my heart. I know there will never be a change of heart from her side I know my chance is blown. The idea is not to get her back but to set my heart at piece that I did say sorry. Yesterday when I dropped of my child I broke down in tears in front of her and my boyfriend. I was standing in front of a woman I cherish and I can't even give her a hug and say I am sorry. She will flip out.

I guess I love her enough still till this day that I want to see her happy. Even if it is with someone else. She would have never been happy with me ever after a came out and caused that mess.

You have come an incredibly long way from the way you say you felt in the beginning. The fact that you can see your part as well as hers in your relationship issues is really more than most people can ever do. Just remember to not accept the blame for her actions and decisions. It's good to be able to see what you did but counterproductive to fall to the point of wanting all the blame for what she did. It takes two people to make a relationship succeed or fail.

I too get these moments of complete self blame. My wife and I keep going back and forth right now. Sometimes though I think if I just could have kept it quiet and suffered through life without ever admitting who I am then life for everyone else would be so much easier. That's the catch though. When I think about making it easier on others I am forgetting how much harder it would be for me. To be quite honest I was afraid I could not avoid self harm even the next few years.sometimes my kids were the only reason I did not do it already. For me transition is the only hope I have seen really in my life for happiness.

Quote from: josie76 on April 24, 2017, 07:07:18 AM
You have come an incredibly long way from the way you say you felt in the beginning. The fact that you can see your part as well as hers in your relationship issues is really more than most people can ever do. Just remember to not accept the blame for her actions and decisions. It's good to be able to see what you did but counterproductive to fall to the point of wanting all the blame for what she did. It takes two people to make a relationship succeed or fail.

I too get these moments of complete self blame. My wife and I keep going back and forth right now. Sometimes though I think if I just could have kept it quiet and suffered through life without ever admitting who I am then life for everyone else would be so much easier. That's the catch though. When I think about making it easier on others I am forgetting how much harder it would be for me. To be quite honest I was afraid I could not avoid self harm even the next few years.sometimes my kids were the only reason I did not do it already. For me transition is the only hope I have seen really in my life for happiness.

I do take some of the blame for her actions and I shouldn't. I sometimes wish I did not say a thing and kept it for myself. I don't know what is harder for me being away from my child during the week or having depression from dysphoria.

At this stage I exchanged my pain of not living as my authentic self at that stage to not being with my 3 year old each day. Having her grow up with two moms and in a broken home.

Knowing that I contributed so much towards that broken home is eating at me. I could not be there as a dad because I was a broken person. Now I am a broken person because I can't be there everyday. I feel that I should have been stronger and been able to handle not transitioning for my child at least.

So for me it was just exchanging pain around.

You totally have come a long way and are healing, that is evident. I too think you are sounding like you are being a smidgeon too hard on yourself but perhaps that helps you come back from a point where you put it on all on her. The truth is, nothing is ever totally on one person, actually not even close.

With that acceptance will come growth and more healing. I have battled depression my entire life, so i know how days flip back and fourth from good to bad and back.

Cherish your man and his support.

Quote from: RobynD on April 24, 2017, 11:59:05 AM
You totally have come a long way and are healing, that is evident. I too think you are sounding like you are being a smidgeon too hard on yourself but perhaps that helps you come back from a point where you put it on all on her. The truth is, nothing is ever totally on one person, actually not even close.

With that acceptance will come growth and more healing. I have battled depression my entire life, so i know how days flip back and fourth from good to bad and back.

Cherish your man and his support.

Maybe I am being a bit hard on myself I am having a session tomorrow with my therapist and will have a chat to her about this. Depression is a bit tuff today and anxiety is eating at me where I am sitting of living without my daughter in my house for the rest of my life.

When I feel so bad I see male in the mirror for some reason also and my dysphoria gets worse and I wish I could turn back time to make the hurt go away.

My boyfriend is a real sweetheart in this situations and so caring though. I could not ask for better.

I am sitting here today and can feel the significant loss of losing time with my child not having her under my roof. I only get her one day of the weekend the other six day's she is with mom. It is eating at me alive. I feel that dysphoria is a curse due to what I cherished was taken away. I feel very down because of this I fear of slipping into a depression hole.

I am sitting and memories of my past pops up. I was a parent but not that great I am spending much more quality time with her now than I did then. As a transgender parent I am more of a parent but the loss of that time is just disabling me. It just sucks and I don't know how I will ever get used too the situation where I can accept that loss. Where I don't cry when I drop her off for the week. Where I don't go home and it feels empty.

Being transgender was something but the cost of transitioning was greater than I could imagine, my ex warned me and say you are going to transition and still not be happy. Well here I am today still not happy. transitioning for me can't make up for that loses of my family unit and time with my child.

I am working on building a new home with a new person we are staying together for 4 months now it is still early days and things are going well. We did have rough patches with depression and anxiety though. We might get engaged this year he doesn't want to say that we are going to but we had a chat about it. We had a chat about kids and there is hope for children of our own. The thing is it won't be my own blood child the best I thought I could do is ask my sister to donate a egg. It would still be of my blood line then.

It is sad for me where my life has gone because I pictured myself in a complete different situation at this point of time. I was supposed to be a husband have my own internet startup, it failed because I could not function in life and work on it any more. I was going to have one more child so I would have been the father of two. But that is what I wanted and where I imagined myself. I could not have thought I would sit here a transgender woman divorced and without my child writing this post. How dysphoria changed my life and the choices I made.

I can tell you  guys all the good things about now and how my life has changed for the better. My opportunities but once depression and hurt comes it feels as if you can't enjoy those things. I don't know what to do anymore. :-\

I hate the feeling of being broken and hurt.

Part of the grieving process is dealing with the sense of loss.  To simply ignore the things you have given up in the process of transitioning would be to deny reality.  You have paid a high price for the path you have chosen.  However, at some point in time you simply must move on to the next square.  Repeatedly recounting all of the "if only(s)" doesn't really get one anywhere.  Like a home owner whose dwelling has burned to the ground, you simply have to stop staring at the ash heap and get on to the rebuilding process recognizing that a new structure will take time, energy, and produce a fair number of disappointments and frustrations along the way.  I hope your life will soon take on a phoenix-like quality.  All the best.   

Sorry your feeling depressed. Life sometimes gives us changes and we often participate in those, that cause the rest of life to be bad for a while. I'm dealing with some of this right now too and it feels like a pretty dark place, even though I have many sources of positivity and hope for the future.

Somehow at times, we keep getting drawn back to that darkness. We mourn loss, we over mourn loss, we hope for the impossible and repeat those cycles sometimes many times.

The positive though is as the poster above said, you can occupy a new space and a new existence with new people that will eventually be better than the one you are mourning. When you you are in the thick of the darkness though, that is very hard to believe. Think of how many people look back at the past and say "that hardship was one of the best things that ever happened to me as it built me into the person i am today".

I'm preaching to myself here too as intellectually i get all of this, i don't always feel it emotionally though.

Don't be so hard on your self you didn't ask to be born in the wrong body, I am in a similar situation now I,ve come out to my wife but she wants me to be the husband still but I can't hopefully you will sort the depression out but please hang on.

I went in to my therapist yesterday and had a nice chat. I spilled the beans of how I feel now and my new revelation in how I feel about my ex. She then went on and told me I am butting being a man in a box with my ex and my child and that gives me reason to want to go back to being a man. She told me I must but being a woman and a man and my child and my ex in seperate  boxes. She then asked me if I look at the man box without my child and ex wife as a reason is there anything about being a man that would want me to go back. I could not answer her I could not think about anything. The only thing is that sex normally ended up in orgasm that I don't have now but it is not that I want to go back to being a man for that. I can think of all these reasons why I am sitting today as a woman but not a single valid one why I should have stayed a man except to have my child under my roof.

She was impressed with my progress and said what I am going through is a good thing. The depression is not good but the revelation is. I don't want my ex back as a romantic partner again, what I have in my boyfriend is more than enough. She can't love me for who I am and that really sucks. But she can't be with a woman. I can't be with a woman as a woman also. It sucks what it came down too and the steep hard price I payed for this.

In a way wanting to stay in the marriage was a way of me taking away my freedom of choice in transition and having to stay a man in turn. I was doing this because I was trying to protect everyone. I was trying to do the unselfish thing and do the right thing. When she gave me freedom of choice I ended up transitioning. So it shows what I really wanted.

((( Hugs ))) Amore, I think you are beginning to get it. No one said transition would be easy and in your case it has been very hard on you. But you are beginning to see the light and move forward with what you need. Cherish the time you get with your daughter and never run your ex down to her. She has a young impressionable mind and you don't want to give her any impression except that you love her.
  You are doing well and moving along.

Hugs,
   Jeanette

I do really get moments where I am like why did I do that stuff but then again I think back at how I felt at that moment and what emotions was attached to it. I can't really dismiss my need to be a woman anymore, I could go on and on about the reasons why I wanted to stay a man but the need to be a woman was too big and overpowered that reasons.

In the end when she kicked me out of her box I had no where to go but the woman box. The man box was not separated from them. I could not see myself being that man without them. Today if I separate those boxes I would not have chosen the man box anyway if it stood alone. Even if I chose the man box I would have lost them.

It gives me an uneasy feeling here where I am sitting knowing this is how it turned out. Knowing that I did not have a choice. I was happy until this damn thing came along again. A part of me is still beating myself up and don't want to accept that I could not do anything to stay a man. It would have saved me a lot of hurt right now.

I've learned in life that there is no going back in general. Even if you take the steps that you think will get you back, you arrive at a very different place. Your best choice is to move forward and make your life count for those you love, society and yourself.

To quote Dr. Seuss "Oh the places you will go "

Quote from: RobynD on April 27, 2017, 01:02:14 PM
I've learned in life that there is no going back in general. Even if you take the steps that you think will get you back, you arrive at a very different place. Your best choice is to move forward and make your life count for those you love, society and yourself.

To quote Dr. Seuss "Oh the places you will go "

You are right going back would be impossible and if I take the steps to go back I would arrive at different place. I can't undo that she had boyfriends and have one I can't undo the feelings I have for my boyfriend. I can't undo the 11 months living as a woman and what that did in my life. Even if I go back and take the steps to be a man I would have breasts no facial hair. I would be sterile also. My whole perspective about myself changed also and my sexuality. I can't undo that. I can't erase other peoples memory that I lived as a woman.

I won't find anything in place where it was and I can't erase my ex's memory and make her look at me in the same way she used too. I can't make anyone look at me the same way they used too if I would have gone back to male. It would also confuse my child even more because she don't know who Rickus is she only knows Amore.

If I look at where I was and where I am I am slowly moving forward in myself and my transition. I am maybe having grs later this year which means me and my boyfriend can connect better. I have a decent job. I at least get to see my child once a week and I am great full for the time even though I miss her during the week like tonight. I just want to sit and cry if she is not with me. There is nothing in this world that can replace a child's love.

The worst thing is I can't go back because even if I go back my child still won't be with me. Because I would end up at a different place as a miserable man. Suffering from dysphoria and mad at life.

Quote from: Amoré on April 27, 2017, 01:17:22 PM
I at least get to see my child once a week and I am great full for the time even though I miss her during the week like tonight. I just want to sit and cry if she is not with me. There is nothing in this world that can replace a child's love.

The worst thing is I can't go back because even if I go back my child still won't be with me. Because I would end up at a different place as a miserable man. Suffering from dysphoria and mad at life.

I can empathize with you, there. I would be distraught if I weren't allowed to see my children. I think it would cause me more distress than living a lie as a man. There really is nothing in the world, like you said, that could ever replace the love of your children. Mine are everything to me, just as I believe yours are to you.

Quote from: SiobhánF on April 27, 2017, 01:34:36 PM
I can empathize with you, there. I would be distraught if I weren't allowed to see my children. I think it would cause me more distress than living a lie as a man. There really is nothing in the world, like you said, that could ever replace the love of your children. Mine are everything to me, just as I believe yours are to you.

That is the thing for me even though I had a massive need to be a woman. Being transgender and super dysphoric I had a massive need to be with my child everyday and I still do. It absolutely breaks me to only see her weekends. I had my depression bouts over this also I don't know really which one was worse. The depression from living an illusion as a man or living without my child under my roof now.

Quote from: Amoré on April 27, 2017, 01:41:41 PM
That is the thing for me even though I had a massive need to be a woman. Being transgender and super dysphoric I had a massive need to be with my child everyday and I still do. It absolutely breaks me to only see her weekends. I had my depression bouts over this also I don't know really which one was worse. The depression from living an illusion as a man or living without my child under my roof now.

Feels like you can't win, either way, huh? I feel the same. It's hard to live with, but I take it one day at a time. It's the best I can do for myself.

Quote from: SiobhánF on April 27, 2017, 01:56:47 PM
Feels like you can't win, either way, huh? I feel the same. It's hard to live with, but I take it one day at a time. It's the best I can do for myself.

It does feel like that you feel like you are being pulled in separate ways by to forces. I also take it one day at a time that is how I got this far. My biggest concern is that my child wants nothing to do with me one day for some religious reason or something. Her mom told me one of the reasons she can't be with me is because it is wrong in the eyes of God to be with a transgender person. So she can't be with me as that is one of the many reasons. I am scared she brainwashes my child.

Quote from: Amoré on April 27, 2017, 02:02:05 PM
It does feel like that you feel like you are being pulled in separate ways by to forces. I also take it one day at a time that is how I got this far. My biggest concern is that my child wants nothing to do with me one day for some religious reason or something. Her mom told me one of the reasons she can't be with me is because it is wrong in the eyes of God to be with a transgender person. So she can't be with me as that is one of the many reasons. I am scared she brainwashes my child.

Amore,

   I can relate to your worries in regards to your wife's religious beliefs. The same is getting in the way of my daughter and family accepting me being trans too. She believes I can be fixed if only I give myself to God. She believes I have some hidden trauma from my childhood that is responsible for my failure as a father and husband, my drug abuse and alcoholism, and now my "thinking I am Trans". There is no defense or reasoning with someone that believes this way.
   I understand your fear and feel your pain. But it is survivable.

Hugs,
Jeanette or Laura, maybe both

Quote from: Amoré on April 27, 2017, 02:02:05 PM
It does feel like that you feel like you are being pulled in separate ways by to forces. I also take it one day at a time that is how I got this far. My biggest concern is that my child wants nothing to do with me one day for some religious reason or something. Her mom told me one of the reasons she can't be with me is because it is wrong in the eyes of God to be with a transgender person. So she can't be with me as that is one of the many reasons. I am scared she brainwashes my child.

That's such a difficult situation to be in. Fundies drive me nuts. Have you thought about enrolling your daughter in a few therapy sessions or seeking out some kind d of support group for children of trans parents to help her understand everything you are going through and what it means for you and her?

Quote from: Amoré on April 27, 2017, 02:02:05 PM
she can't be with me is because it is wrong in the eyes of God to be with a transgender person. So she can't be with me as that is one of the many reasons. I am scared she brainwashes my child.

Don't you love it when people speak for the creator of the universe? Curiously the theological point always seems to align with whatever they want it to. The truth is that if she is a Christian there is nothing that says a transgender person is wrong. The verses in scripture that some believe mention it, are few and translated back to greek mean something else entirely.

I understand totally your fear about the child but generally those who seek to use religion as a way to teach people to exclude or hate, are finding less than fertile fields with today's youth. They are too open to the world to be satisfied with that.

If your ex is ever open to it one of the foremost books that Christians seem to reference these days on the subject is "Gender Dysphoria: by the author Yarhouse. Although it is not perfect or entirely accepting, he clearly advocates levels of acceptance, states that transgender actions are not sinful and believes that churches should welcome "gender variant or questioning" people into their ranks. He even goes as far as to say that transition is consistent with Christian doctrine under the right circumstances.

Quote from: JeanetteLW on April 27, 2017, 02:11:37 PM
Amore,

   I can relate to your worries in regards to your wife's religious beliefs. The same is getting in the way of my daughter and family accepting me being trans too. She believes I can be fixed if only I give myself to God. She believes I have some hidden trauma from my childhood that is responsible for my failure as a father and husband, my drug abuse and alcoholism, and now my "thinking I am Trans". There is no defense or reasoning with someone that believes this way.
   I understand your fear and feel your pain. But it is survivable.

Hugs,
Jeanette or Laura, maybe both

I can relate too this. I too was pushed by people who believed if I give myself too God and this problem he would save me. It is a funny story I went too church the one day with her some friends and my child and they told us we must talk to the priest after church. He was there making people faint with the power of God doing his thing. Now Imagine this I cam up too him her standing next too me and in front of all these people waiting for his miracles told him I am trans and our marriage is on the rocks because of it. The guy went pale and all this people is like come on fix him make him want to be a man. He was like I cant take it away but here is a number of the church therapist. Now the church session was quite something as it was about how God made man and woman and how they fit into each other lives and stuff like that. So the man that preached that can't fix me. I was still told after that just take it too God he will heal you.

Today I believe God made me transgender. It is just how it is and I don't resent him for that I am a christian myself.

My ex also believed at a stage that it stems from childhood trauma and because I was molested as a child. Well I was transgender before that and wanted to be a girl before that because I have a girls mind.

Quote from: Rambler on April 27, 2017, 02:12:58 PM
That's such a difficult situation to be in. Fundies drive me nuts. Have you thought about enrolling your daughter in a few therapy sessions or seeking out some kind d of support group for children of trans parents to help her understand everything you are going through and what it means for you and her?

She is only 3 turning 4 in august and is happy with who I am at this stage she just accepts it. She even say I am a girl if you ask her. I am worried when she gets a bit older her mom might get into her head. But she did not understand that I am a woman totally at a stage and she went for therapy and is still attending it also because she is really bitter because of  the divorce.

This morning I woke up and just had the strangest feeling while waiting for my snooze alarm to go off. I felt at home and at peace for the first time in about 3 years. It was this calm feeling washing over me. I thought back to where I started on my transition journey and going full time. I remember how I felt unsure the whole time of is this right for me. Today it felt right. I felt that I am supposed to be this woman laying in bed next to my boyfriend. It felt that all the pain was in a way worth it.

I always from that I started transition felt that I should have been somewhere else as a man. Doing what is right instead of doing what I should do for myself to survive dysphoria and be happy.

I never had this feeling in my life I was always walking on eggshells constantly self aware of how I act what I can do as a man and things. Today I can just be me. I think this feeling was drowned by my need to be male because I thought that would bring my child back under my roof and I can go back to where I was before. Now I realize nothing can reconstruct that life. There is only here and now and the future. Me being a woman in it. My need to be male made me uneasy in my own skin. I looked in the mirror and felt wrong still even when I see the woman looking back.  I hate feeling like that sometimes I know why it happens. I want to go back to male to save myself the pain. But being male also did hurt me.

Maybe eventually I am winning in a way and I get glimpses of hope and small moments of joy. Instead of just one long onslaught of depression and misery.

A friend told me once that happiness isn't something that happens to you. It's a choice....one that you must consciously make. It sounds like you may have had that epiphany! Good luck, hon. I hope it sticks. You need some win in your life right now.

Quote from: Amoré on April 28, 2017, 01:26:50 AM
I never had this feeling in my life I was always walking on eggshells constantly self aware of how I act what I can do as a man and things.

There is only here and now and the future. Me being a woman in it. My need to be male made me uneasy in my own skin.

These two sentences are so true for so many of us including myself.

After I started transitioning I felt I had a need to go back to being male to make the hurt of divorce and not seeing my child go away. This is still sometimes popping up. I have a bigger need to be a woman so the scale is tipped in that way.

Knowing if I could have returned to male today nothing would be as it was gives me more reason to try and ignore that need because it is attached to a fantasy of if I go back to male everything would be as it was .

Quote from: Amoré on April 28, 2017, 06:05:35 AM
After I started transitioning I felt I had a need to go back to being male to make the hurt of divorce and not seeing my child go away. This is still sometimes popping up. I have a bigger need to be a woman so the scale is tipped in that way.

Knowing if I could have returned to male today nothing would be as it was gives me more reason to try and ignore that need because it is attached to a fantasy of if I go back to male everything would be as it was .

I do believe you are making progress girl.

((((Hugs))))
   Laura

Awesome progress you are inspiring.

Well I did screw up now! we went to pick up my child and I saw my ex and her new boyfriend they where hugging and things in front of us it upset me a bit but more upsetting was that this guy is getting more access and time with my daughter than I do. My boyfriend now believes I was upset and cried because I am not over my ex. Although there is feelings somewhere lingering it is not what he thinks because I don't want her back especially not after seeing her with someone else. So now there is tension in the house and I am angry at myself for even batting as much as an eyelid at the situation.

Quote from: Amoré on April 28, 2017, 11:58:01 AM
Well I did screw up now! we went to pick up my child and I saw my ex and her new boyfriend they where hugging and things in front of us it upset me a bit but more upsetting was that this guy is getting more access and time with my daughter than I do. My boyfriend now believes I was upset and cried because I am not over my ex. Although there is feelings somewhere lingering it is not what he thinks because I don't want her back especially not after seeing her with someone else. So now there is tension in the house and I am angry at myself for even batting as much as an eyelid at the situation.

  Give it a little time then go make up with your boyfriend. Boys have always been putty in the hands of a determined pretty girl.

  Hugs,
    Laurie, Laura, Jeanette?

Quote from: JeanetteLW on April 28, 2017, 12:01:11 PM
  Give it a little time then go make up with your boyfriend. Boys have always been putty in the hands of a determined pretty girl.

  Hugs,
    Laurie, Laura, Jeanette?

I tried too and he sort of pushed me away.  He told me to grow up and get over it and accept the situation. It has been two years and I should get over it now.

Quote from: Amoré on April 28, 2017, 12:14:26 PM
I tried too and he sort of pushed me away.  He told me to grow up and get over it and accept the situation. It has been two years and I should get over it now.

Give him a bit of space and time to process. Whatever his "love language" is, come back with that and a nice meal or something later and i'm sure you will be able to put it past you.

Quote from: RobynD on April 28, 2017, 12:29:05 PM
Give him a bit of space and time to process. Whatever his "love language" is, come back with that and a nice meal or something later and i'm sure you will be able to put it past you.

It is crappy because he said he is tired of it now my crying over the life that I could not have. But I will have to continue.
The thing is he say he can't take our relationship to the next level if I still act like this. He wants me to feel nothing.

The fact that I am jealous of my ex's new boyfriend because of the time he gets with my child. The fact of loss of time with my child and that somewhere some feeling surfaced about my ex is keeping from having a better relationship and  it hurts him.

I was like well I could not be a man for her so she must be happy because she has a man now. That is what I thought. Not that I want to go back to her.

I'm a parent of three and i'm going to say something that is not very popular: Despite the biological connection, despite the bonds that have been built etc, i do not think the love for our children is supposed to be the pinnacle of human existence.

I don't think it was ever designed to be except in the context that in a dangerous situation you would probably save them first before anyone else. (hey our species has got to survive right?) I think actually it is on equal footing with all of the other necessary and loving relationships we have in life, friends, significant other, other family, or even your spiritual relationship if you are into all that. 

I know its super hard to not see your child as much, but this likely only for a season and it will pass. Someday she will also think her parents are boring and want to spend most of her time with he friends if allowed, that is just part of life. Then sometime later she won't be able to get enough of you as a young adult, because you have answered life questions that she has not yet. Also she will want money, they always want money :)

Our goal is to love those cute little beings and raise them to be adults and make their way in the world. We have to get our relationship sustenance from ALL of our relationships.

Your boyfriend is feeling hurt because of the expression of your feelings, that is only sort of ok and at some level its not, but it is upon you to reassure him and move forward with him if you both want. He sounds like he has been pretty supportive. He probably doesn't want you to feel nothing but he wants to feel loved fiercely and to be a big bunch of your life's focus. Can't blame him for that, you seem like a pretty special person.

So yeah you are probably going to have to control your emotions in such situations a bit more or channel that energy in other directions to reassure him (at least that is my very basic assessment from what you have described). In that give in take, he will probably become better equipped to understand your feelings and feel less threatened by them.

(Can you tell i have had a lot of therapy ?, i hope all that money went to some good use )

Quote from: RobynD on April 28, 2017, 01:30:33 PM
I'm a parent of three and i'm going to say something that is not very popular: Despite the biological connection, despite the bonds that have been built etc, i do not think the love for our children is supposed to be the pinnacle of human existence.

I don't think it was ever designed to be except in the context that in a dangerous situation you would probably save them first before anyone else. (hey our species has got to survive right?) I think actually it is on equal footing with all of the other necessary and loving relationships we have in life, friends, significant other, other family, or even your spiritual relationship if you are into all that. 

I know its super hard to not see your child as much, but this likely only for a season and it will pass. Someday she will also think her parents are boring and want to spend most of her time with he friends if allowed, that is just part of life. Then sometime later she won't be able to get enough of you as a young adult, because you have answered life questions that she has not yet. Also she will want money, they always want money :)

Our goal is to love those cute little beings and raise them to be adults and make their way in the world. We have to get our relationship sustenance from ALL of our relationships.

Your boyfriend is feeling hurt because of the expression of your feelings, that is only sort of ok and at some level its not, but it is upon you to reassure him and move forward with him if you both want. He sounds like he has been pretty supportive. He probably doesn't want you to feel nothing but he wants to feel loved fiercely and to be a big bunch of your life's focus. Can't blame him for that, you seem like a pretty special person.

So yeah you are probably going to have to control your emotions in such situations a bit more or channel that energy in other directions to reassure him (at least that is my very basic assessment from what you have described). In that give in take, he will probably become better equipped to understand your feelings and feel less threatened by them.

(Can you tell i have had a lot of therapy ?, i hope all that money went to some good use )

Maybe I am a bit over attached to my child. She is her own person after all and would be her whole life. I just want to be a big part of her life and more than the new boyfriend that want to play dad would be.

One thing is it is super hard controlling my emotions as estrogen for some reason put me in a straight connection with them if the tears want to roll they roll. But I get what you are saying being happy and myself after our interactions with my ex and her new boyfriend is super important to reassure my boyfriend he is everything now and I don't want to go back to my ex or have feelings for her. I normally withraw and cry when it happens. I must show him that even without my child where I am is enough too overcome the pain. Because he is tired of it all like he said.

I just don't know how to control my emotions

Quote from: Amoré on April 27, 2017, 02:32:06 PM
She is only 3 turning 4 in august and is happy with who I am at this stage she just accepts it. She even say I am a girl if you ask her. I am worried when she gets a bit older her mom might get into her head. But she did not understand that I am a woman totally at a stage and she went for therapy and is still attending it also because she is really bitter because of  the divorce.

My little girl will be 4 in December. It's such a sweet age. I can only imagine how hard it is on you to not be around her everyday. Luckily kids at that age tend to take things in stride and usually seem to just accept change. Keep your chin up, everything will be okay.

Quote from: Rambler on April 28, 2017, 01:58:56 PM
My little girl will be 4 in December. It's such a sweet age. I can only imagine how hard it is on you to not be around her everyday. Luckily kids at that age tend to take things in stride and usually seem to just accept change. Keep your chin up, everything will be okay.

My kid did take my transition very well she is a bit confused and at times would give me like the ken doll to play with. But  it is okay I understand where it is coming from. 3-4 is the sweetest age they start to get a lot of personality and it really starts to come through. I miss not having that each day in my life. It is the thing that breaks me the most in this world. I wanted to go back to being a man for that until I realized the effort would be in vane. I would be a crappy parent because I would be miserable. Her mom won't take me back because she only saw the feminine in me so going back is impossible.

So I decided to move on with my transition and here I am today. It hurts like hell being away from her but I have to start coping better for my partner also because he is tired of it all now.

I've got five boys, all at different stages in development. It's a confusing time, all around, but it seems that the younger they are, the more accepting of the change they tend to be. In the end, children just want to be loved by their parents. As long as our children feel loved by us, they couldn't care less whether you transitioned or not, even if they aren't really taking it well. Same goes for being away from them for any amount of time; if they know that you love them and it's self-evident by how you treat them and talk to them, they won't let anyone else tell them otherwise. Children, imo, are the best BS detectors on the planet.

Well my boyfriend and I had a chat right and he told me he wants me all to himself he is selfish in that regards was his words. He doesn't want me to mourn over my ex or cry when I see her or have any feelings for her whatsoever. I can respect this but how do you expect someone to feel nothing for someone. Is this even possible?

I think she went to hug her boyfriend out of spitefulness to hurt me. To show me she is now his. Well it worked. I just said in the car home and this upset my boyfriend, as long as she is happy because I could not be a real man too her. He took this as I want to be with her or have feelings for her. Well there is something but it is not that I want to be with her romantically. I don't know what he expects I must feel.

There is a reason this woman is my ex and one of them so I could sit here as Amore. She is my ex so that I could have a life as a woman and not be depressed the whole time because I had a massive need to be one. She is my ex because she can't be with me because I convinced her I am female and she only saw female in me. When I left I was still a man. This didn't matter to her as I was a woman in her eyes. She left because she got fed up of me. There is all this reasons why she is my ex and I am divorced. I understand that and I know why I am where I am. This doesn't mean I can't have any feeling for her can it. How can I make him understand that all this mean I don't want to go back to her. He is very insecure about this it seems.

I'm going to share something with you that you may not want to hear. Actually, I'm going to give you some friendly advice. If I were you?, I'd stop treating my boyfriend like my bestie. If you keep that up girl....he's not going to be around very long. He's a guy. He doesn't want to hear this stuff. He wants to know you need, desire and love him. I see what you've said as truly testing for him.  All these things your dropping in his lap? I predict that if you don't stop, it's not going to work out for you. Just some friendly advice. Take it or leave it.

Quote from: jentay1367 on April 29, 2017, 10:40:41 AM
I'm going to share something with you that you may not want to hear. Actually, I'm going to give you some friendly advice. If I were you?, I'd stop treating my boyfriend like my bestie. If you keep that up girl....he's not going to be around very long. He's a guy. He doesn't want to hear this stuff. He wants to know you need, desire and love him. I see what you've said as truly testing for him.  All these things your dropping in his lap? I predict that if you don't stop, it's not going to work out for you. Just some friendly advice. Take it or leave it.

Yeah it was a in the spur of the moment thing. I was a bit emotional and it just popped out. I will have to start keeping it in. So thank you for the advice I will take it

Quote from: Amoré on April 29, 2017, 10:43:24 AM
Yeah it was a in the spur of the moment thing. I was a bit emotional and it just popped out. I will have to start keeping it in. So thank you for the advice I will take it

  You do not have to keep it in. Just keep from unloading on your boyfriend. Do come here to unload and decompress where you are among friends that can understand and help. That's what we do here, remember?

Hugs,
  Laurie

The problem is keeping these emotions in check. From that I am on E anything can set me off to cry. It is very hard in situations like that to control my emotions. So what positive steps can I take to deal with a situation like that where I actually have a flood of emotions but have to act normal and as if nothing is wrong around him so he doesn't notice anything

I think you can and should have feelings for your ex. We are only human after all and she is the mother of your child. But, simply thinking of her in terms of your loss of her is sort of inaccurate to, what you gained as you pointed out is pretty profound and great. You could not have had that gain with her.

Just remind yourself that she may have great attributes but she has a lot of challenging personality issues to and now those are his to deal with :) None of us can escape all our problems by changing partners and she will have to deal with them in that relationship too, just in a different way.

I know its hard to control emotions and to a degree you should confide in your man, but i also agree that a lot of your energy should go to demonstrating that you are "his" and that is what you want most in the world, not the old relationship. Sadness and crying will happen but then you should throw that much energy back into him and loving him.

Quote from: Amoré on April 29, 2017, 01:59:59 PM
The problem is keeping these emotions in check. From that I am on E anything can set me off to cry. It is very hard in situations like that to control my emotions. So what positive steps can I take to deal with a situation like that where I actually have a flood of emotions but have to act normal and as if nothing is wrong around him so he doesn't notice anything

These are conversations for you and your girls. Not your man. You need to compartmentalize just like all women do. The last thing your man wants to think is that he's some port in the storm. Show him you love him. His satisfaction from that will wash over you and it will help you to move on from your DEAD relationship with your wife. Ijust want to see you happy, and not a victim. Empower yourself as other women do by building your relationship with the one that cherishes you. That's him...by the way. Many a woman longs every day to have a man in your life as you do. Don't squander that till you're alone and wondering what happened. Cuz' you know what? If he's gone, nothing else about your life changes. He's just gone. I think you're a sweet fragile woman. I don't want to see that happen. It's within your hands to make it right.

Quote from: jentay1367 on April 29, 2017, 03:24:28 PM
These are conversations for you and your girls. Not your man. You need to compartmentalize just like all women do. The last thing your man wants to think is that he's some port in the storm. Show him you love him. His satisfaction from that will wash over you and it will help you to move on from your DEAD relationship with your wife. Ijust want to see you happy, and not a victim. Empower yourself as other women do by building your relationship with the one that cherishes you. That's him...by the way. Many a woman longs every day to have a man in your life as you do. Don't squander that till you're alone and wondering what happened. Cuz' you know what? If he's gone, nothing else about your life changes. He's just gone. I think you're a sweet fragile woman. I don't want to see that happen. It's within your hands to make it right.

I'm in pretty lock step agreement with this. Our significant others men or women are not often equipped to be therapists on one hand or only friends on the other. When we treat them as the latter we forget that there are whole other aspects to our love for one another, physical love, romance, and the need for confident reassurance in one another that do not exist in friendships alone.

For many years i treated my wife as sort of a therapist and she wasn't, that only made her feel uneasy and frustrated when she could not adequately help me.

The exceptions to this are sort of a fine line, you need to be transparent and honest with your significant other but also realize they are not there to solve everything it is a partnership of equal support. Sometimes you may share a particular issue that you both can go really deep on with one another but that doesn't mean everything can be that way. My boyfriend and i share a life or experience or two where we are so alike in the hurt experienced from it, so that we can totally deal with one on another on, but there is a lot a of stuff that i would not burden him with.

Thank you for the advice. I understand now there should be limits to what you share and what feelings you expose your partner too. It is not about having feelings for my ex anymore it is about not exposing him to that feelings. This is a very difficult task when my brain latches on to something it doesn't want to let go. But I have to learn that self control.

Even in the situation with my child because he believes because I desire to have my child under my roof that I would take my ex back if the opportunity arrive. Although it won't happen for various reasons it is a fear he have.My ex is gone she will never come back. Well I would give a lot to have my child under my roof unfortunately in South Africa the mother gets the child. The father just have to accept the scraps he gets. I think this all would have been much easier if she was under my roof. I would not need therapy to deal with it. I would have been able to continue with life without the thought of if I did not screw up I would not have felt this way I would not miss my child and have to go 6 day's of every week without her.

Even if she comes and visits one day of the week it is not the same. It is like filling a dam with a bucket it never gets full. I always feel empty. It doesn't satisfy the need that I have to be a parent because what parenting can you do in one day.

So I must find a way of not letting this wash over onto him also. I must compartmentalize this pain also because it gives him doubts.

I really do care about him.I do have feelings for him and love him. I want to marry him one day have more children if possible.

As I am writing this I am already sobbing and don't know how to stop the sobbing because my baby girl is going home for another week that I won't see her. To think when I am in pain my ex is in heaven makes me furious. When she has my child I must suffer through almost unbearable hurt.

I don't know how I am going to be strong enough to put the happy face on for my boyfriend when I have a tornado raging in me with pain and sorrow. I will try to put my big girl panties on but I can't help. I am seriously very attached to my child and having her away from me throws my world upside down where I am at the point where I am miserable that even therapy doesn't help.

You then start wishing that none of this ever happened to you that you where never trans that you never would have carried this pain.  :'(

It is really depressing me that I am sitting in this relationship that is one of the best things that could happen to me in my new life but it is plagued by this intense pain and loss of my child.

Is your child old enough to use Skype or something similar at least that way your still be able to tell to her, I know she would not be with you in the flesh but it would be Better that one day a week.

Quote from: coldHeart on April 30, 2017, 06:22:34 AM
Is your child old enough to use Skype or something similar at least that way your still be able to tell to her, I know she would not be with you in the flesh but it would be Better that one day a week.

She normally doesn't want to talk on skype. It sucks for me because I wish she would she makes short phone calls of about 2 mins long. All this pain just to be a woman. Really what did I do to myself.

Another suggestion is to journal all of this hurt or even record videos to your daughter that you may not give her for years or never give her but it could help. Tell her good things, tell her from your heart - getting that out using either of these two ways good help.

That is maybe an idea but what would it mean to her that I felt this way? I am scared that my boyfriend see some of my hurt because what if he reads it.

Like when I have dreams about my ex that upsets me and things. It would normally be how she leaves me or that she ignores me like the other night.

I wish I could have fixed it all so that no one got hurt in the end. That no one is hurting anymore because I don't know how I am going to live with this hurt for the rest of my life. I do feel sometimes that I should have lived an alternate life.

That if I did not make that choice to tell her I am transgender and did not allow myself to break down completely 4 months later I would have been living that life now. I would have been there as a dad for my child and I would have her under my roof. It is a cruel faith what transition and being dysphoric can do to us.

It can cost us everything we cherish and care about. Non of it exists anymore and all is gone just because I could not stay a man when she needed me too.

I wonder if she still dreams about me and think of me. Is this the after effect of spending so much time with someone?

You probably will dream of your ex from time to time at the end of the day she was your partner the mother of your child so don't,t beat your self up over it all the time it not your fault Amore, try keeping a diary so your child could atleast read some point in there life & see the & hurt your going through. been a transgender is a cruel twisted off fate i,m just started this journey it can make us happy it can us sad it can destroy are relationships with love one's but we can not live a lie we have to be are self's, we only get one shoot at life

Quote from: coldHeart on May 01, 2017, 08:43:54 AM
You probably will dream of your ex from time to time at the end of the day she was your partner the mother of your child so don't,t beat your self up over it all the time it not your fault Amore, try keeping a diary so your child could atleast read some point in there life & see the & hurt your going through. been a transgender is a cruel twisted off fate i,m just started this journey it can make us happy it can us sad it can destroy are relationships with love one's but we can not live a lie we have to be are self's, we only get one shoot at life

I think it is a good idea and they would probably have a better perspective of why what happened happened.

It would probably b good for you as well to write it down ether at the end of each day or just a run down of a week that way your child when they are ready to read it will or just to see how much stronger you have become each week, I,m thinking of writing it down so in the long run she might understand because she is sort of OK with me dressing as a female at home alone at the moment I think for the future a part of her must know I want to take it further its all I think off, you might of been stubborn with your ex but it takes two to tango it couldn't of been easy for the pair of you, your a fantastic women a more don't put your self down so much.

You can get a locking journal if you are afraid of anyone snooping. There are also online journaling options.

I will go and get one maybe tomorrow. I just don't want my boyfriend snooping around in it. I am feeling depressed and off tonight anxiety is really bad. My mom actually opened up how she misses my male self and that she is trying to move around reminders of him. It made me feel bad but I have to survive. No matter what the cost and in this case it was also at the expense of what other people wanted.

Well I come to a realization this morning that I sort of feel like I lost my spirit. I was normally the one that would jump on my child's bike do a couple of laps just for the fun.I would climb on the jungle gym with my child. Children would be like I want that to be my parent. I would play games and do fun stuff. Now I feel that nothing is enjoyable anymore. I don't do fun stuff anymore only serious life stuff.If I am not doing that I am sitting and mourning and feel depressed. When the opportunity arrives of having fun I normally pass it by. It feels if the joyful part of me is gone.That playful little girl has lost her spirit ???

Don't give up now you're come this far I feel the same were nothing is enjoyable any more I try to spent time with my animals, I think you need to get out & even if its just for a walk if you stay in doors your just dwell on stuff & that's not good for you. Remember you a strong woman.. You must be because you're come this far..

Quote from: jentay1367 on April 29, 2017, 03:24:28 PM
These are conversations for you and your girls. Not your man. You need to compartmentalize just like all women do. The last thing your man wants to think is that he's some port in the storm. Show him you love him. His satisfaction from that will wash over you and it will help you to move on from your DEAD relationship with your wife. Ijust want to see you happy, and not a victim. Empower yourself as other women do by building your relationship with the one that cherishes you. That's him...by the way. Many a woman longs every day to have a man in your life as you do. Don't squander that till you're alone and wondering what happened. Cuz' you know what? If he's gone, nothing else about your life changes. He's just gone. I think you're a sweet fragile woman. I don't want to see that happen. It's within your hands to make it right.

Quote from: jentay1367 on April 29, 2017, 10:40:41 AM
I'm going to share something with you that you may not want to hear. Actually, I'm going to give you some friendly advice. If I were you?, I'd stop treating my boyfriend like my bestie. If you keep that up girl....he's not going to be around very long. He's a guy. He doesn't want to hear this stuff. He wants to know you need, desire and love him. I see what you've said as truly testing for him.  All these things your dropping in his lap? I predict that if you don't stop, it's not going to work out for you. Just some friendly advice. Take it or leave it.

Your advice is spot on! I definitely agree. It doesn't do the new relationship any good to be bringing all the negativity from the previous one and contaminating it. It's also not fair for the new guy who definitely wants to make Amore happy.

Quote from: Amoré on May 02, 2017, 05:54:27 AM
Well I come to a realization this morning that I sort of feel like I lost my spirit. I was normally the one that would jump on my child's bike do a couple of laps just for the fun.I would climb on the jungle gym with my child. Children would be like I want that to be my parent. I would play games and do fun stuff. Now I feel that nothing is enjoyable anymore. I don't do fun stuff anymore only serious life stuff.If I am not doing that I am sitting and mourning and feel depressed. When the opportunity arrives of having fun I normally pass it by. It feels if the joyful part of me is gone.That playful little girl has lost her spirit ???

One of the best ways to fend off depression is to simply get outside, get your boyfriend and go for a hike or to the beach or to a park etc, anything convenient.

Went to my therapist last night and came back a bit more positive. I want to be where I am right now although the road is rocky and I have a lot of drama to deal with. Unfortunate my boyfriend came into my life when I am not healed properly and still on my way there. When my past relationship is not completely dead yet but busy dying. For it to become something new it must first die and then stay dead for a while and hopefully a friendship will come out of that dead relationship.

But although every action that I took to rescue that relationship and me holding on to it was actually to be with my child I want to be here with him. This is what I want a life as a woman with a boyfriend. I talked to my therapist about me breaking down every time I drop her for some reason my brain responds in the way like every time I drop her it is the last time I will see her again. My therapist didn't give me a solution for the issue she said I must find a way to cope. She is worried about me every sunday knowing I am breaking down.

For me seeing my child only one day a weekend feels unfair because she has her the other six days the ideal would be to have a house close by to my ex that my child can go back and forth as she pleases. It is not to have a relationship again with my ex to have my child with me.

Today I am sitting here and realize that yesterday was a small victory.My ex said she would allow my child to be with me on mothers day that is this coming sunday. She said that we will alternate mothers day. This is maybe a sign that she accepts me as a woman.

Hopefully yes perhaps talk to her about taking your child out every week, it would do you good & give your ex a break.

That sounds like great progress!

I am watching a good series 13 reasons why on netflix and I could not help starting to think how I would have traumatized everyone around me if I went through with suicide. I chose too transition in the end but I did try to take my own life because of depression. Today I feel bad about the attempts I did not realize that my actions would cut so deep into my own life and others. Even the attempt at suicide cut into peoples lifes. I honestly think it would have been a waist if I did succeed. I would have never sat here as a woman and get to experience life as I do now if I did not fail. I wanted to die back then. Now I am glad I didn't kill myself. I am glad my ex cut me off the rope and found me just in time to save my life. A minute later and I would not sit here today typing this post. I get to live life as a woman now because of it all. being trans is not easy I guess I have it a bit better than some because I pass but still it is one of the hardest and scariest things I ever did in life.

I am glad where I am sitting that I did do it because staying a man would have brought on more depression and eventually death. It is not the dysphoria I could not live with but that depression that I went into. It is like a dark cloud of poison that blurs your vision and perception of everything. You see death as the only way out in some cases because the depression doesn't stop. I don't want to go back to that. The price I paid is steep. But in the end it was for my own life.

I was sitting and sobbing last night for this exact reason that I had no choice. The funny part even if I was sitting here as a man today I would have been divorced. The outcome just would have been worse for me because I would have been a miserable dysphoric person  or be dead because depression would have been a lot worse. When I wanted to stay a man for my ex I already started transitioning. I wanted to stop and it was too late to stop she already knew what I am and about this thing that is eating me. She didn't want to be with a person like me. So even if I stayed a man and I actually stopped transitioning for four months for her so she can see I would and it did not rescue my marriage.

In the end I have to carry through transition I can't come halfway and stop I have to complete it. For me this includes everything to be able to live stealth if I want too. An id change,name change, grs, removing all signs of masculinity that I ever was a man. that you wont see it if you look at me. If you take off my clothes all the man must be gone. So I still have grs and voice therapy and waiting for my new id to go. I can't leave it half way else I would feel I did not complete my journey.

 Amoré,

  I read your last post with joy in my heart. It is so good to see this change for the better in your attitude. What you share is right, you must continue on with your transition and realize your true self. It is also true that you would be hurt so many other lives that love you had you given in to the depression and did away with yourself. It is good to see you moving past all that pain.
  I hope the rest of your journey is far more satisfying than it has been up to this point. Be a survivor, not a victim.

Hugs,
   Laurie

Wives talk about how men need to stop being manly and have feelings. I have a feeling this is the situation where wives would say be a man and hide your feelings. (Note: I am still swimming in the testosterone pool.)

Think about it this way, she wants to love you as a man, even a depressed miserable man. You are 100% right, eventually she would get tired of you being depressed all time and probably just leave you even if you were still a man. You were in lose lose situation, but in time your exwife will better understand and see this all worked out for the best.

If it ever comes time for that conversation with my wife, you have some insightful points that I can present to her.

Really great work! So glad you are not only seeing how the path got you here but are looking to the future now. Your boyfriend has to really respect that too, i am sure.

I feel very depressed today.Whenever I get one of these moments I always feel I should share it here it always makes it a little lighter to carry.I am piecing my life together to understand where I am today. I showed my boyfriend this weekend for the first time a photo of how I used to look as a man. Well he said I was very handsome. I was the type of guy girls would chase and that was true. I didn't even have to work to get girls. I had the face the ripped body. Girls used to stare at me when walking in a public place as if I was a hamburger.

But this was the breaking point for me. I realized this is where the tornado was at its strongest. I could not carry the thoughts of me being this guy that beautiful woman look at and desire because I wanted to be a girl. I wanted to be the girls that looked at me. I tried to be that man that I wanted to go to bed with not be. I could not look at myself in the mirrors in the gym while gymming I would turn around and face the other direction. I could not stand the site of this man I was seeing in the mirror even though he was one of the guys girls wanted. I had everything but I was so empty. I was unhappy.

I remember my ex fighting with me and telling me when I said I wanted to be a woman. She told me do you even see what a beautiful man you are. Well I could not see it today when I looked at that photo I can see that man. I could not be him because I wasn't a man inside.

This is what made dysphoria worse and the depression. I did not want to be desired by woman in that way. I hated being that guy. My attempt to be a man and be metrosexual and a pretty man lead to my destruction as a man eventually. It brought on a deep dark depression because you can't run from your own body and how you look because you where stuck in it. I knew the only way out of that nightmare was hrt and transitioning.

It goes to show how powerful dysphoria is that no matter what you have and how beautiful it is. You as a person are broken because of it. I had it all I had everything going for me. I had to give it up because of the transgender beast.

In the end it is the best choice I made in my life although it has bad consequences like not seeing my child enough. I am thankful for having a second chance at life because as a man I know what the outcome would have been.

Well, we weren't all gorgeous,  but in regards to all the rest .....welcome to the club.

Same. Can't say that I was entirely desirable, but I definitely identify the same feelings you described as my own.

Last weekend I heard a sentence roughly translated to "You are a loss for the female population."

I answered "I'm still available, just for another part of the female population."

Maybe it would be easier to find someone again, but I know that I can't go back, it would kill me.

Looks like we are in a similar boat.

It is a loss but I didn't think any female would want a guy struggling from gender dysphoria anyway. It was one of my reasons to transition. I am transgender and if I stay a guy I would burden another woman with depression and dysphoria. It won't be fair upon her. She would be threatened each day by the need of me becoming a woman and by the threat of me transitioning. Woman that are attracted to men and was attracted to me wanted to be with me as a man. It was not fair towards them to make them live with dysphoria and depression just so I can stay a man for them.

I had similar youth and pre-transition sort of viewpoint. I was a pretty, feminine guy and even though my spouse accepted that it didn't mean that she always loved it.

I saw her look at other guys and i get that. Masculinity is attractive (in other people, thank you very much), i agree with her. Even when women are attracted to other women and have experience being intimate with other women, sometimes their primary attraction remains masculinity. I think few people are exactly in the center of the sexual preference scale.

Ultimately though as witnessed by you so quickly finding a male significant other, we go from one form of attractiveness to another and that includes our story, our struggle, our personality, our values and how we treat other people. A lot more goes into that than just the physical part.

It is strange how I jumped in the spectrum of attraction to go from being attracted to woman mainly to being attracted to men. I prefer men now. I look at woman and find them attractive but I also want to be them. Have some of their features that is pretty. My boyfriend is pretty masculine. I find it attractive. My ex was not particularly a very feminine woman she was more a tom boy. But being that made my dysphoria less.

Me too men are more attractive to me emotionally for sure and physically. Most women i look at and want their clothes :) but i do appreciate women though and i'm still attracted to them. My spouse is pretty feminine, my boyfriend is quite masculine.

Quote from: RobynD on May 17, 2017, 05:36:00 PM
My spouse is pretty feminine, my boyfriend is quite masculine.

Are you in a polyamorous relationship? With a woman and a man?

Quote from: Charlie Nicki on May 18, 2017, 08:11:05 AM
Are you in a polyamorous relationship? With a woman and a man?

Yes long term spouse (woman) and a fairly new relationship with a man, although there have been others (for both of us in the past)

Quote from: Amoré on May 03, 2017, 01:16:25 AM
Went to my therapist last night and came back a bit more positive. I want to be where I am right now although the road is rocky and I have a lot of drama to deal with. Unfortunate my boyfriend came into my life when I am not healed properly and still on my way there. When my past relationship is not completely dead yet but busy dying. For it to become something new it must first die and then stay dead for a while and hopefully a friendship will come out of that dead relationship.

But although every action that I took to rescue that relationship and me holding on to it was actually to be with my child I want to be here with him. This is what I want a life as a woman with a boyfriend. I talked to my therapist about me breaking down every time I drop her for some reason my brain responds in the way like every time I drop her it is the last time I will see her again. My therapist didn't give me a solution for the issue she said I must find a way to cope. She is worried about me every sunday knowing I am breaking down.

For me seeing my child only one day a weekend feels unfair because she has her the other six days the ideal would be to have a house close by to my ex that my child can go back and forth as she pleases. It is not to have a relationship again with my ex to have my child with me.

Im glad you are making progress. Therapy really takes it out of you. I felt great last week, utterly broken today.
Your child will always love you

Quote from: RobynD on May 18, 2017, 12:56:17 PM
Yes long term spouse (woman) and a fairly new relationship with a man, although there have been others (for both of us in the past)

Sounds like fun! ;)

Listen to your heart for that is the only reality worth living.
Too much programming in our minds gentle beings, our minds are filled with poisonous negative patterns that limit our potential and keep bringing us down.
For me the battle with my venomous mind was so intense I found myself going back and forth about suicide even though I used to be a man who, according to the society's illusionary lenses, had it "all"... [money,freedom]
But oh was the battle worth it! For I came to understand where the inner truth actually comes from. I learned how to listen to my soul and with the guidance of my heart I gathered the courage to conquer the mind and reached the point of acceptance. I am a MTF transgender! Proud and Unbreakable! For there is only one thing ONE should fear more than dying, and that is NOT LIVING!!!

Quote from: Marcy8 on May 18, 2017, 10:15:31 PM
Listen to your heart for that is the only reality worth living.
Too much programming in our minds gentle beings, our minds are filled with poisonous negative patterns that limit our potential and keep bringing us down.
For me the battle with my venomous mind was so intense I found myself going back and forth about suicide even though I used to be a man who, according to the society's illusionary lenses, had it "all"... [money,freedom]
But oh was the battle worth it! For I came to understand where the inner truth actually comes from. I learned how to listen to my soul and with the guidance of my heart I gathered the courage to conquer the mind and reached the point of acceptance. I am a MTF transgender! Proud and Unbreakable! For there is only one thing ONE should fear more than dying, and that is NOT LIVING!!!

Marcy,

Hi and welcome to the site. Thanks for joining and sharing so much positive info with us. Let us know if we can be of support to you.

I also want to share some links with you. They are mostly welcome information and the rules that govern the site. If you have not had a chance to look through them, please take a moment:

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Once again, welcome to Susan's. Look around, ask questions and join in.

With warmth,

Joanna

Quote from: Amoré on April 24, 2017, 12:24:26 PM
My boyfriend is a real sweetheart in this situations and so caring though. I could not ask for better.

I've read  your story, you should now focus on your current relationship that really matters, and move forward towards your goal, you have a very understanding and caring boyfriend, don't jeopardize that.
In spite of my own history and disclosing, my boyfriend stood by me and was very supportive, the happiest day of my life was my wedding day when I became his wife. You have a future opportunity in having his children by your sister, your future as a woman looks very positive, when the issues with your child are sorted, your life will move on, stay strong girl.

At this stage I am much more content with where I am and my future as a trans woman in a relationship with a man. I love it and it is what I dreamed about as a teen. Me having a man in my life that loves me as a woman. I wanted my ex to love me as a woman and  she couldn't. That is where the biggest problem came in I tried to force her to love me as a woman. Even when I wanted to stay male I told her I will stay a metro-sexual male but you must know I identify as female. This she couldn't handle. My boyfriend he loves me alot and I love him so much. I don't want it any other way anymore I don't want my past back and I don't want to be loved for anyone else than who I am.

He told me we would get engaged early next year I am so looking forward to it. He promised me once I walk down the isle I would be full female not have my parts that is nicknamed Voldemort. ??? ;D Yeah it is the root of all evil on my body LOL 

Quote from: Amoré on April 22, 2017, 03:18:37 AM
About a month ago I wrote a post on how I still have feelings for my ex and that I feel I can't be without her. Well after a few therapy sessions and a period of no contact except for her sending me statements of accounts for my child I have been slowly getting over her.

I was busy writing a response to her about how everything is her fault and memories about what I have done started popping up.

An interesting thing that happened is that I realized not all of it was her fault why things went south. I sort of blocked out all the bad things I have done that made her decision justifiable. She did give me the chance after I came out to stay a man but all that I was doing was gasping for air drowning in dysphoria and depression. I wanted to transition and frighted the whole way too let her allow me too and stay with me and not divorce or leave me. I only saw myself in this period and no one else's pain around me. I was only worried about being able to transition and keep everything I have. I wanted my toast buttered on both sides where I could only have one side.

She did not want to be with a woman. It is as simple as that. I flipped out big time with depression as a driver. I could not function in life I could not work I was paralyzed by dysphoria and depression till a couple of months that I moved out and managed to drag my sorry butt back into the world. I only started seeing life again when I started transitioning and got a new lease on life in that way. But still I wanted to turn back and go back to my past the whole time. I blamed everything on her and did not see the part I played in the whole destruction of the marriage. Today I feel like I have better insight as to what went wrong and why she divorced.

I am sitting and wondering what would have happened did I stay a man. Would I have flipped out even more eventually killing myself. I hanged myself in the bedroom and she cut me down just in time. My child saw that. How stupid was I?

I realize today that there was nothing I could do to stop divorce after that I should have just left as I was asked and respect her wishes. I only caused myself even more pain and rejection after that and made her resent me even more by trying to patch things up and begging for a second chance and being stubborn and not going my own way.
Would you stay with your spouse after two serious suicide attempts? Would you rather leave them because you can't be with them as a woman and let them transition?

I am sitting today and doubt if I would stay with my boyfriend if he was transgender and wanted to transition. I want normality in my life. What I was doing was not what she wanted and no matter how hard she convinced herself it is what she wanted it was not.

I think I have some sort of regret about it all and how I acted. Divorce was my fault in the end and I got what I deserved. She was not a walk in the park herself and have part in it all also till today she still is emotional abusive and a narcissist but that is who she is.

At least I get to live a life now as who I am with someone that loves me in all my ->-bleeped-<-. In the end I got my second chance at life and have the oppertunity to treat my dysphoria and get help for my condition by transitioning. In the end it is what I wanted but with a steep price.

Hun, I am so sorry to hear you went through that and i know this is cliche that happiness comes from within.  and it may seem hard but you would not have been happy lying to yourself and suppressing who you really are, I mean you are going through alot now but at least youre working towards bringing yourself to happiness. 
I thought the same way for i while to a point where I basically lived for my friends and to please them, I was so easily dismissed that they didn't realise something was wrong, it wasn't until someone who oddly enough cared (he felt bad for me cause he knew I was miserable.) actually ripped it out of me after a year or so.  Had he not, yeah I would have been dead, I had tried to kill myself twice up until i met him and none of my loved ones ever knew something was up. 
You have to take care of yourself first hun, never let your happiness be based off someone else's life.  I know marriage is pretty much about that dynamic, but at the same time marriage needs to be a joint effort to work things out, yes your transition did set things in motion, but your wife presenting you the ultimatum wasn't exactly a compromise.  Ypu need to find a partner not a aster/mistress and if you find someone who loves you now and understands you then you need to ask yourself, "Iam i upset because I DID lose her or am I restless because I'm constantly wondering what if?"

I hope you feel better hun we all feel yourpain
hugs! :)

Quote from: TheLittlestSlam on May 21, 2017, 06:56:04 AM
Hun, I am so sorry to hear you went through that and i know this is cliche that happiness comes from within.  and it may seem hard but you would not have been happy lying to yourself and suppressing who you really are, I mean you are going through alot now but at least youre working towards bringing yourself to happiness. 
I thought the same way for i while to a point where I basically lived for my friends and to please them, I was so easily dismissed that they didn't realise something was wrong, it wasn't until someone who oddly enough cared (he felt bad for me cause he knew I was miserable.) actually ripped it out of me after a year or so.  Had he not, yeah I would have been dead, I had tried to kill myself twice up until i met him and none of my loved ones ever knew something was up. 
You have to take care of yourself first hun, never let your happiness be based off someone else's life.  I know marriage is pretty much about that dynamic, but at the same time marriage needs to be a joint effort to work things out, yes your transition did set things in motion, but your wife presenting you the ultimatum wasn't exactly a compromise.  Ypu need to find a partner not a aster/mistress and if you find someone who loves you now and understands you then you need to ask yourself, "Iam i upset because I DID lose her or am I restless because I'm constantly wondering what if?"

I hope you feel better hun we all feel yourpain
hugs! :)

I guess I have a lot of what if moments but things is starting to become clearer. My ex basically pulled it out of me the night when we where fighting. I blurted it out that I feel like a woman trapped in a mans body. I did not even know about the word transgender or any transgender person back then. I just knew this is how I feel. I only went and researched it afterwards and realized O ->-bleeped-<- I am transgender. I wished sometimes she could have done it differently she could have just stuck it out till I was a woman and then decided if it works for her or not.

This weekend when I picked up my child she looked at me in the strangest way and behaved strange also. She had her hands in her pockets keeps on looking down. When we drove out the driveway she looked at me and I could see hurt and if she wanted to say something. I think she is having regret. Here I am in a stable relationship doing the best I can where she did not find someone yet and have men coming in and out of her life. I am happy with my relationship all that I wanted was to be loved for the woman identify with. I have that now and I am grateful for the love I have and he is really special to me. I want to marry him.

So I would say the only gripe in my life is my child and how hard it is being away from her. With the rest of my life and my transition I am pretty content. I love being a woman it just fits my identity. My therapist said she doesn't have any doubt in her mind that I did the right thing and to give me the letter for surgery because I am pretty consistent with my gender identity

In the end to have done the right thing for myself came at a very steep price. But at the end of the day the price was worth it. I have a person that cares much more about me than my ex did.

Your outlook is improving all the time :) So glad. The best thing you can do for your family including your Ex is to be healthy and have a great life with your man. Perhaps a new friendship and positive coparenting teamwork will be developed.

Quote from: RobynD on May 22, 2017, 02:01:51 PM
Your outlook is improving all the time :) So glad. The best thing you can do for your family including your Ex is to be healthy and have a great life with your man. Perhaps a new friendship and positive coparenting teamwork will be developed.

I am hoping for a new friendship. She doesn't want too.

Last night I went to fetch my child and take her out. My ex wanted to talk to us about an email that I send. I told her I am not happy with her having a revolving door when it comes to men. She told me I must get out of her personal life as I have nothing to do with it. Well She is the mother of my child I have got something to do with it. In the end she said a couple of things that really stung.

I don't know why this stung so much but her words was "Rickus the man I married is dead". It also saddens her that her child is growing up without a father. I thought the day when she stopped aknowledging that I am Rickus I would be happy. Well for some reason I was not. I guess a small part of me wished she still saw Rickus in me. That she would want him back. It sucks because even if he is dead I have all his memories I still feel him in me.

I am going to have grs this year and remove the last body part that is him. The most male part of my body. In most peoples eyes once I do that I killed him and he is gone because they attach him to my male genitals. They say it is the last part of him that remains. It makes me sad that despite my effort and how I look that they can be so shallow. My dad stopped talking to me after I told him I am having the op. He told my mother that his son is dead now. He only had a son not a daughter. So I lost family in this journey. I lost family for something I did not choose to have.In their mind I chose this and how dare I do this to everyone. Well I wish I chose it. I would have chosen different then.

I'm sorry for you!
Yesterday I got a similar WhatsApp from my Ex about choice.
I fear some people will never be able to understand that it's not a choice or lifestyle decision.

Quote from: Thessa on May 26, 2017, 01:38:08 AM
I'm sorry for you!
Yesterday I got a similar WhatsApp from my Ex about choice.
I fear some people will never be able to understand that it's not a choice or lifestyle decision.

I guess I personally wish it was a choice I know what I would have chosen. The best thing in life is not to be a woman for me but to feel that I can be who I am. If I had a choice to be a guy and all worked well with who I am I would have chosen that. If there was a cure to take dysphoria away and make me synchronize with my birth gender I would have taken it in a heartbeat because being a woman is not all it is made out to be. Each gender has its downsides. Being a woman did not make all my problems go away. It actually created more.

The problem is I have to life as a woman otherwise my depression gets too much to deal with and I start doing silly things. Not drugs and stuff but I crawl into a hole I would hide from the world stay two weeks in bed and try not to kill myself the whole time because of how bad I feel. So in the end I did not have a choice in this it was transition and give my brain what it wanted or keep on fighting against what it tells me it wants and end up killing myself. I was suicidal.

When I divorced I knew I had to give myself a chance and the only chance I had at life was transition. This morning after what she said I feel that there is nothing to go back too. Everyone knows who I am now and they will know if I go back I am only hiding her. I guess it is when you are ready for grs. When you know you can't turn around and you want a body to suit the life you are living now. You had a body when you where living male to suit that role and you could have sex as a man. Well now I want a body to suit this role. I don't want my body to give me the doubt anymore with what I have in between my legs that I can go back if I wanted too because it makes me uncomfortable to be a man.

Amoré,

It sounds very uncomfortable and painful. Sorry things are so hard and you have lost so much. The only thing you chose, as you state, was to live. I applaud you for that. That is sometimes the hardest thing to choose.

If people could understand the cost(financially and emotionally) as well as the pain(physically and mentally) one must go through to transition... Until people become empaths and we can share that with them, I am afraid people will think it is a choice.

Try to stay strong. From what you said, either your deadname would have to die or you would. One of the ways would have deprived your daughter of any contact.

With warmth,

Joanna

Sometimes I feel like I am overthinking it too much. Overthinking what happened to me and how I could have changed it to have a normal life. I dream about how it would have been if I was not transgender and was happy in my birth gender. I guess it would be something like now where my gender that I am living as doesn't plague me each day and I don't really think about it like I did when I was living as male. I don't really think much about being a woman except when it comes to my plumbing and I find that piece in my pants.

The biggest transgender challenge I face is my voice. Get sir over the phone. But it is okay they don't know better. So basically the main thing is I am sort of comfortable for the first time in my life in my body. If it wasn't for the male part in between my legs I think the level of comfort would have been a lot more.

Like they describe it as transgender people experience a discomfort between the gender they where assigned at birth and who they feel they are. I am trying to get myself as comfortable as possible.

I find myself going back and asking a lot of what if questions. I hate it because i gives me false hope. I must stop myself from doing that.

Amoré,

I don't like to tell people what to do. However, what I think you must do is what you just said...

Quote...So basically the main thing is I am sort of comfortable for the first time in my life in my body.

Like they describe it as transgender people experience a discomfort between the gender they where assigned at birth and who they feel they are. I am trying to get myself as comfortable as possible.

Then, you need to cut yourself some slack. Truth be told all this advice I am giving you should be bounced back at me too. So, hello pot. My name is kettle.

I  think you have been doing really well. Your progress from when you started here is great. It is nearly time to grab your life and make it yours. Sadness and what ifs happen. Just try not to dwell on it too much.

Take care.

Warmly,

Joanna

Life update. I resigned from my job today it is more emotional than I thought. Me and my boyfriend is starting a software development company together. But I am scared as hell. I sort of made the decision because it was an emotional choice with my boss being a creep. But now I feel unsure about my future. My boyfriend keeps insuring me everything is going to be okay but I feel unsure.

We have the money to cover my pay for about a year. So I guess I am okay and I get to pick a new car end of the month. I don't know why I must always be scared of my own choices and why I am so indecisive.

Quote from: Joanna50 on May 26, 2017, 02:40:23 PM
Sadness and what ifs happen. Just try not to dwell on it too much.

That's definitely the trick to this I think.  We can't change the past, we can only change the future.  Dwelling on what we might have done is just another way of driving ourselves crazy.  Now I just need to tell myself this, every time I start dwelling on the past :) 

Quote from: Amoré on June 07, 2017, 07:37:18 AM
Life update. I resigned from my job today it is more emotional than I thought. Me and my boyfriend is starting a software development company together. But I am scared as hell. I sort of made the decision because it was an emotional choice with my boss being a creep. But now I feel unsure about my future. My boyfriend keeps insuring me everything is going to be okay but I feel unsure.

We have the money to cover my pay for about a year. So I guess I am okay and I get to pick a new car end of the month. I don't know why I must always be scared of my own choices and why I am so indecisive.

Hi Amoré,

It's very scary, but at the same time very freeing and exciting.  I'm in the same boat.  I've been on my own for a bit trying to develop a software business.  Corporate life made me feel like a drone in Sector C.  This was the only way forward for me.  I hope it works out for you and your boyfriend.

Good luck,
Paige :)

Congrats! It's good that you have the financial security to quit that job and get away from that creep, and to launch your own business. That took enormous courage, and I hope it goes well for you.

Quote from: FTMDiaries on June 07, 2017, 11:23:50 AM
Congrats! It's good that you have the financial security to quit that job and get away from that creep, and to launch your own business. That took enormous courage, and I hope it goes well for you.

It is scary being a transgender business woman even more so. We have 4 projects in scope already but we are still in the teething stages.

I know how you feel...at least I can imagine. I'm on the brink of finally switching my business of almost 7 years over to being female lead.

You have a great supporting boyfriend and you don't have to explain to existing customers what's going on, so you can focus solely on your work.

With a few projects already in your pipeline I see a bright future.

You can do it! [emoji123]

Count me in that number. Formed a business and transitioned while running it day to day.