Susan's Place Transgender Resources

I think I am beginning to come to terms with the idea that I might be gender fluid.  For the last couple of years I've been constantly worried that I am transgender. I've been all up and down the forums here and googled and youtubed so intensely looking for answers and have just been trying to figure out who I am. I don't want to be trans anything ideally. It would be great if I could just feel happy being male all the time and have a masculine persona all the time without feeling like I'm acting.  And if I were definitely all the way transgender I think I would be able to completely admit it and I would take some steps to really work towards transitioning eventually and etc.  But every time I really am convinced that I am transgender, I end up waking up one morning a couple days later, or just switch somehow midway through the day, and feel completely fine as male or feel a true mix of masculinity and femininity.  Today is one of those days where I have almost no dysphoria. I feel totally fine and happy as male and when I talk to people I don't feel this urge to behave in a way that is feminine for no reason like I do on my dysphoric days.
For years I've gone through cycles of depression and increased anxiety (i'm pretty much always anxious regardless though lol) that sometimes would last a day or two or sometimes a week or two and I was always confused why that happened. I always dealt with my problems by creating distractions and playing videogames and never leaving a second of my day unoccupied for thinking because being alone with my thoughts was always stressful. I'm in college now though living alone in a dorm and I've had to deal with the large beast that is my mind and who I am this whole year and here is where I'm at.
I thought for a while I might have had cyclothymia or or something because I would always go through these depression days/weeks and then feel great days/weeks where I felt like everything was right in the world and I felt truly happy. But now I am really now beginning to think that the depressed days are just on the days I wished i were allowed to present as more feminine to the world and I would just suppress it and act masculine even though I didn't feel like it and would painfully force myself to be who I was two days ago and it would send me to a depressed place. 

The problem I am having though is that I really don't want to be gender fluid. I just want to be happy as I am and I don't want to feel this way. You hear so very often all over the place about how being gender fluid is a tumblr joke and that everybody is just making it up to be different. I don't want to be different. I just want to be happy. I just want to want to be male every day. And really I don't want to be gender fluid or non-binary or anything other than cisgender, but I just straight up do not feel cis-gendered a large portion of my days.
On days like today I absolutely cannot believe I felt totally transgender a few days ago. I feel totally fine and have minimal desire really to be female. When I feel like this I want to just talk to myself from a few days ago and ask why the hell they seem like an completely different fricking person.  On days I feel completely feminine I want to tell the version of me that is like how I am today that this is a completely certain feeling and that it is not something I am making up. I literally feel like I have these two different personalities that I switch back and forth between and it is so frustrating.  For a while I tried to convince myself that when I felt super feminine that I was just making it up once I felt masculine again. That I just thought too hard about transgenderedness and internalized it and that that is all that it was. But then inevitably the feelings would come back again and the whole cycle would rotate round and round and round. At this point I am really trying to believe myself and recognize this is a legitimate thing I am feeling, but it is so very very difficult.  Because I don't even want to feel these feelings in the first place.
I don't think I would ever actually display myself as female to the world on days I feel the intense dysphoria, even if I wanted to. I wouldn't want to deal with having people think I was faking how I felt. I don't even know if I'm faking how I feel.  How would I be able to tell if I were?
I don't think I'd ever want to change my pronouns either. Days where I feel male I'm fine with male pronouns, and days when I feel sort of in between male pronouns is ok, and using "they" is clunky anyway and people don't view it as legitimate and I wouldn't wanna change pronouns like that all the time because I don't want to inconvenience anybody. And I just don't want to ever have to deal with breaking social boundaries by presenting as female and going by she/her.
I don't want to change anythingggg. I don't want to feel these feelings at all. I just wish I could feel happy every day with myself and not have this nagging feeling on days where the dysphoria is high. But the dysphoria always comes back to me and kicks my ass. I've been trying for the last couple of months to let my feminine side out a little when I feel that way. Just by letting myself talk and move in a slightly more feminine way and not beating myself up for feeling how I do and not forcing myself back to masculinity, and it has really helped a lot so far. I haven't felt super severe depression since I've started doing that. I still feel bad and anxious though on those days, I just don't feel like the world and life in general is horrible so much anymore.

So I have a few questions:
Is there any way I can manage dysphoria without changing anything at all in terms of expression or appearance? Can I make it go away to any extent if I try hard enough? I know people always say you can't and that it gets worse as you get older and etc. but idk I am still asking anyway.
Is being genderfluid even real? Am I actually feeling this way? Am I forcing myself to feel this way somehow and if I just changed my mindset it would go away?
What are my options, what can I do to feel ok?
Is there anything wrong with staying in the closet forever and never really telling anybody except my girlfriend?

As a nb trans individual I too find it hard juggling my feminine and masculine sides;  well as my agender and male sides. You may want to check out the nonbinary network on tumblr and youtube and beyond the binary; an online magazine on everything nb.

1. It is impossible to manage your dysphoria without changing how you express your gender or/and changing what pronouns people use for you or/and your name. You'll be able to manage a bit trying to bury it but what always happens is it'll become too much for you mentally and you would have wasted a lot of years trying to surpress something you can't suppress. It's like telling a cis woman you have to live as a man though; you can imagine how impossible that would be for her.

2. Of course gender fluid is real as well as other nb gender identities. It's like how molecules have always existed but just because only recently we have a name for them doesn't mean they've only recently existed. Lots of cultures around the world have a history of nb people but due to westernisation and spread of Christianity those people were supressed.

3. As for your options you can find a therapist who specialises in gender. You can also experiment a bit with your fem side. I've gotten my ears and then navel pierced as well as bought a few items of fem clothing to ease myself into it.

Wish you all the best :)

Hate to break it to ya but it sounds like you are trans* something anyway. And no, there is almost no way you can be ''cured'' of your dysphoria unless you change atleast a little something!

The overwhelming evidence is that your gender identity is pretty much set before birth, hopefully that matches the body which has it's sexual characteristics set later. Long story short, although many have tried to make transgender thoughts go away, few have succeeded! It's also one of those things where if you're asking the question, you already know the answer. It sucks, I don't know how to tell people what I'm going to do, I've told very few that I'm trans, fewer that I'll be taking hormones and changing my gender expression, but I know if I don't I'll just keep being a depressed shell of a woman pretending to be manly.

Quote from: Garoux on April 28, 2017, 01:33:27 AM
So I have a few questions:
Is there any way I can manage dysphoria without changing anything at all in terms of expression or appearance? Can I make it go away to any extent if I try hard enough? I know people always say you can't and that it gets worse as you get older and etc. but idk I am still asking anyway.
Is being genderfluid even real? Am I actually feeling this way? Am I forcing myself to feel this way somehow and if I just changed my mindset it would go away?
What are my options, what can I do to feel ok?
Is there anything wrong with staying in the closet forever and never really telling anybody except my girlfriend?

Have you made an appointment with a therapist yet?

I can attest to the fact that it definitely gets worse as the years roll by. I'm 68 and just this year started HRT. I wasn't so much in denial, I knew all my life that I most definitely was not male but only fairly recently has the professional help been fairly widely available. For most of my life even finding a decent therapist was quite difficult and MD's were even tougher. Your choice was simple, live with it as the depression grows worse every year. I spent a lot of lonely depressed years but it's a new world today.

You didn't give your age or I missed it but there is no sense in your going through what I did. Find a therapist in your area and talk. They will not try to talk you into anything but are trained to help you find yourself. That alone is huge in easing your dysphoria. Any other choices you decide to make in the future will be your choice.

Don't be me . . . Today help is there if only you will go to it.

As someone who is genderfluid I figure I would chime in.

First, don't listen to the jerks who say it's a Tumblr thing.  Most of them are binary and have no clue about it or you.  For most people they never experience fluidity.  There are days when they may feel more masculine/feminine than other days, but it doesn't extend down to their core person and identity.  To many they see it as merely a way for a person to stake some sort of way to be different/unique or socially rebellion, etc.  To others they just see it as confusion and that you will settle on a binary sooner or later.  Tbf there is some measure of truth to that sentiment in that some do go through a fluid stage before settling in to a more binary expression.  However, to blanket label it as such does injustice to the validity of your feelings and existence.  I have found that as I transition I find myself being/feeling feminine more often than when i started.  That does not discount that there are plenty of days/times when I am totally unfeminine and feel(even identify) as I did for 30+years as a guy, like today and right now for instance.

Don't feel bad about not fitting a mold.  It is unfortunately very hard to live in a binary world, not being binary yourself.  The strategies you choose depend on you and circumstance.  Explaining it to others is difficult and most will not understand.  Luckily, acceptance does not require full understanding.  Depending on how you choose to proceed you may or may not want hormone therapy.  You may just want low dose therapy, you may want transition level doses.  You may find your desires change with time.  There is no need to feel shame about it.  For my part I chose to be Amber and go forward with  transition level hrt.  This was a calculated conscious decision because I wanted to be more woman than man.  It is, to my mind, easier to be a boyish girl than a girlish boy.  Others experience may or may not support that mentality, that is not really the discussion at hand.

Finding a therapist is incredibly helpful.  In my case I had a goal in mind and she helped me to work on a plan to get there.  You may find you receive benefit from the exploration of yourself, or may just want a second brain to help getting what you already want.

Staying in the closet is a personal choice and you may find it stuffy and uncomfortable in there.  However, announcing something to the world when you are not ready to is also troublesome.  The worst thing would be to deny and bury your feelings.  That will hurt you long term.  I do recommend a therapist given your doubt and confusion.  The only thing I absolutely recommend against is trying to self administer hormones.  Go legit and have professional help.  It's unsafe to toy with your body without supervision.

I guess the tl;dr is You do you, and be the best you that you can.  Genderfluid is totally a thing. Play around and explore it a bit and try to enjoy it.  Get help if you need/desire to.  No two paths are the same, etc.  This forum is an excellent place to find others who may have experienced similar struggles.  Feel free to reach out to people here (myself included) for help/advice/venting etc.  We are here for each other.

Hugs,
Amber

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-N900A using Tapatalk

It's important to remember that transgender is a blanket term that encompasses a huge spectrum of variety. There is nothing wrong with questioning, and while it is one of the most difficult stages, you can get through it. I'll tell you right now, myself and I'm sure most other people here can relate to not wanting to be trans. As denial stopped being a viable coping mechanism for me, I searched for every excuse to not be trans, I even considered myself gender fluid for some time because I didn't like the idea of being a trans-person and giving up the status and privilege I enjoy as the straight, white, cis-gender man everyone sees me as. The first time I saw my therapist, I basically spent the hour cry about how I didn't want this for myself. I just wanted to be happy the way I was. Sometimes that just isn't in the cards.

I tried everything to manage my dysphoria. Herbal hormone supplements, women's clothing under my normal clothes or just around the house, body shaving, makeup & nail painting, but the only thing that has worked has been to acknowledge it and moving forward with my transition.

You may identify as gender fluid, or maybe something more or even less, but regardless, you owe it to yourself to do some exploration. It doesn't men you have to live as a woman, dress in drag, or even presentt feminine at all, but let yourself enjoy your femininity. You might find that it isn't such a bad way to alleviate your dysphoria.

Of course, being genderfluid is real. People on tumblr that aren't genderfluid can't possibly understand and you shouldn't listen to them. 

I am genderfluid, what you are going through is similar to how I felt when I first started posting here. Now that I've accepted it, I'm a bit less fluid and usually see myself as a non-binary trans woman, though my presentation is still very fluid.  It actually can be a lot of fun playing with your presentation and mixing masculine and feminine, I don't really feel comfortable presenting fully masculine or fully feminine.

I don't know that you need to tell anyone other than your girlfriend, though you may need to be prepared if someone asks. Most people don't, but that depends on your situation. I don't make a big deal about pronouns, and mostly just use my initials.  If you want people to call you something else or use different pronouns, of course you need to tell them.

--VL

I'm genderfluid, too. On my male days, that poor bastard has to put on the skinny jeans and a feminine top and  get on with life!  :laugh:

Hugs, Devlyn

Quote from: Garoux on April 28, 2017, 01:33:27 AM
So I have a few questions:
Is there any way I can manage dysphoria without changing anything at all in terms of expression or appearance? Can I make it go away to any extent if I try hard enough? I know people always say you can't and that it gets worse as you get older and etc. but idk I am still asking anyway.
Is being genderfluid even real? Am I actually feeling this way? Am I forcing myself to feel this way somehow and if I just changed my mindset it would go away?
What are my options, what can I do to feel ok?
Is there anything wrong with staying in the closet forever and never really telling anybody except my girlfriend?

OP everything you describe in your full post is perfectly normal for standard transgender (ie: wanting to be the opposite sex and not genderfluid). I go through it myself.

In your quote above you ask is GF even real but the answer doesn't matter. Why? Because even from just one post from you I can t ell you're not GF. You're 100% M2F transgender. You have this yin and yang battle taking place and you feel one way and then the other and as a result uncertain of where and what you are

The truth is you feel this way out of one thing: fear.

Fear of the unknown.
Fear of looking ridiculous.
Fear of standing out.
Fear of rejection from your family.
Fear of failing to pass.
Fear of not being able to do make up.
Fear of failing to sound like a woman.
Fear of being alone.
Fear of rejection in the job market.
Fear of being a failure (as a male).
Fear if failing your own beliefs (religious or otherwise).
Fear of the cost and pain of surgery.
Fear of ostracisation.
Fear of making the wrong decision.

All all these are perfectly reasonable. In fact it would be worrying if you didn't feel this way.
And you DO feel this way, even if you don't know it.

Of course you feel comfortable as a guy - why wouldn't you? It's all you've known your entire life. You do anything for your entire life and you're gonna be damn good at it. You also feel comfortable because the world accepts you as you are. No funny glances, no hostility because you offend their narrow-minded beliefs, no s->-bleeped-<-s because you're a boy in a dress, no smirking at your uneven makeup etc.

It's impossible not to feel comfortable as a guy. You have testosterone flooding through your body, you're accepted by your peers and you've been a guy for all your time on Earth. You have male physicality, male attributes, male thought processes and male skills (spatial awareness etc). And when you've had all this for every second of your life, with no one batting an eyelid, how can you not align with it? More than that, you are accepted as a male and nothing is more comforting as acceptance. We, as sentient beings, are designed to like others and be liked to form tribes with those 'like us' and 'who like us' We do it for two base reasons: survival and procreation. Without these two driving impulses we would not be nor would our species continue. To not desire acceptance and to be petrified of rejection is to defy your very humanity.

What you have is 100000000% true M2F ->-bleeped-<-. You are not GF. You merely place yourself there (out of fear) because you're not ready to accept you are who you are really are (a girl). You also place yourself there because it's a happy medium as it means you don't have to commit to going the whole hog: full-time, hormones, surgery. You also place.

Of course you want female pronouns and all the other changes - despite insisting otherwise. In your own words, you don't want these things because you don't want to inconvenience others and because you don't want to step outside of the societal norm. In other words, these are not your true desires, merely they are the manifestation of your fears They are boundaries put in place so you don't have to face up to your reality of putting yourself in a position of vulnerability, fragility, hostility and disparity.

Despite your best intentions to quell the voice inside, the girl is shouting loud and clear. That is the real you.
This is your survival instinct kicking in. She has to breathe. She has to be free. She has to live.
The very fact that she is trying to claw her way to the surface, for that gasp of fresh air and glimpse of sunlight, is proof that she is alive and is doing everything in her power to ensure her most basic instinct: survival.

And this is why - to answer your other question - you cannot manage dysphoria by ignoring it or suppressing it.
The survival instinct always wins in the end. Always.
It's just whether you accept it while you're young (and can make the most of it) or when you're older (and tinged with regret for not transitioning sooner).

Those that do suppress it live desperately unhappy lives and are often driven to depression and even worse.

Read this: http://born.uk.com/tell-youre-trans/ (http://born.uk.com/tell-youre-trans/)
Then read this: http://born.uk.com/regrets-vicki-sixx/ (http://born.uk.com/regrets-vicki-sixx/)