Community Conversation => Significant Others talk => Topic started by: cornbread on May 03, 2017, 07:21:54 PM Return to Full Version
Title: If my family misgenders my girlfriend...
Post by: cornbread on May 03, 2017, 07:21:54 PM
Post by: cornbread on May 03, 2017, 07:21:54 PM
I'm nonbinary. My girlfriend (who I've been seeing a few weeks now) is a trans woman. She's terrific.
The other day she met my parents for the first time. Afterward she expressed concern because she thought that my dad might have used male pronouns for her; my perception was that he had used an ambiguous pronunciation of "them" to refer to both of us and it just came out sounding like "him." I told her this and assured her that if I ever do catch my family misgendering her, I will correct them.
Should I do a bit more though? I want to make it absolutely clear that I won't tolerate any disrespect from my family but I also don't want to make a big deal if it was really just a mis-heard pronoun. My parents usually are very respectful toward my partners but so far all my previous partners have been cisgender, so I'm not sure what to expect or watch out for. Any advice?
The other day she met my parents for the first time. Afterward she expressed concern because she thought that my dad might have used male pronouns for her; my perception was that he had used an ambiguous pronunciation of "them" to refer to both of us and it just came out sounding like "him." I told her this and assured her that if I ever do catch my family misgendering her, I will correct them.
Should I do a bit more though? I want to make it absolutely clear that I won't tolerate any disrespect from my family but I also don't want to make a big deal if it was really just a mis-heard pronoun. My parents usually are very respectful toward my partners but so far all my previous partners have been cisgender, so I'm not sure what to expect or watch out for. Any advice?
Title: Re: If my family misgenders my girlfriend...
Post by: staciM on May 03, 2017, 07:34:18 PM
Post by: staciM on May 03, 2017, 07:34:18 PM
If you're outside the moment, I wouldn't worry too much about that particular incident because it sounds like you're unsure about was actually said. Give them the benefit of the doubt and let it pass. Now, have an unrelated and polite conversation with your parents, educating them about appropriate pronouns. Next time they should be more careful.
Title: Re: If my family misgenders my girlfriend...
Post by: Amanda_Combs on May 03, 2017, 07:56:14 PM
Post by: Amanda_Combs on May 03, 2017, 07:56:14 PM
I think that it's really sweet that you care and want so much to protect her. I think the best way to deal with this is on the scale of what your parents call her consistently over time. So don't act on a moment that has already passed, I think you should look instead for moments in the future. If they call her a "he/him" in the future, I would recommend a quick conversational correction and then move on, and do that as often as it takes. It isn't always easy for people to be aware of what pronouns they're saying, but that's no excuse to not try. Just a simple, "Mom/Dad." or "You mean her." just thrown in there will get the point across if they respect her. And given time I believe it will become obvious what their intention is. I really hope that they will be accepting, and that things go well for you in general.