Susan's Place Transgender Resources

As some of you know, my brother has not spoken to me since we sent out my letter over a year ago telling family I am transgender.  Well, his daughter is getting married later this month.  So the other day I was talking to my sister-in-law and I was told my brother said I'm welcome at the wedding, with a caveat.  And I'm sure you can figure out what the caveat is.  Now I am on HRT but I haven't yet gone full time and if I had planned on attending the wedding, I would never, on my niece's special day, "be the elephant in the room" since I don't pass that well.  But to be told I am welcome at the wedding only if I appear as male insures that I will NOT be there.  I have always held out hope he would come around but now, I am done! 

It's so very sad when things go like this :/
I feel very sorry for you, maybe he will realise, when you are not there the error of his ways..

Hugs Rachel

For now it's probable done with but there is still hope for the long term. I was a few years post surgical and I wasn't welcome at my brothers wedding because of the brides family. While I haven't seen much of the brides family, I met with many of them when my brother passed away. It may take years and it's possible it might never happen but you still have time in your favor.

Quote from: BeverlyAnn on May 07, 2017, 12:28:20 AM
As some of you know, my brother has not spoken to me since we sent out my letter over a year ago telling family I am transgender.  Well, his daughter is getting married later this month.  So the other day I was talking to my sister-in-law and I was told my brother said I'm welcome at the wedding, with a caveat.  And I'm sure you can figure out what the caveat is.  Now I am on HRT but I haven't yet gone full time and if I had planned on attending the wedding, I would never, on my niece's special day, "be the elephant in the room" since I don't pass that well.  But to be told I am welcome at the wedding only if I appear as male insures that I will NOT be there.  I have always held out hope he would come around but now, I am done!

Hi Bev I think I would go to the ceremony dressed like any other woman going to a wedding, arriving just before the start time so there is no way to cause a fuss and leave just as the ceremony is finishing giving no one the satisfaction of even talking to you but only seeing you. You are able to show support and love for the couple without being involved in all the garbage. If that is not a reality then to heck with him you don't need that kind of negativity in your life....I know it hurts but he is being an ass... 

Quote from: ElizabethK on May 07, 2017, 02:34:16 AM
Hi Bev I think I would go to the ceremony dressed like any other woman going to a wedding, arriving just before the start time so there is no way to cause a fuss and leave just as the ceremony is finishing giving no one the satisfaction of even talking to you but only seeing you. You are able to show support and love for the couple without being involved in all the garbage. If that is not a reality then to heck with him you don't need that kind of negativity in your life....I know it hurts but he is being an ass... 

Liz, if it was a local wedding, I probably would consider what you say.  But it's almost 1100 miles roundtrip and 17 hours.  Plus my son, being a master pastry chef, is doing the wedding cake and my daughter-in-law plus grandkids will be there.  So it wouldn't be get there, sit in the back and leave before anyone else type of thing.

Quote from: BeverlyAnn on May 07, 2017, 03:59:38 AM
Liz, if it was a local wedding, I probably would consider what you say.  But it's almost 1100 miles roundtrip and 17 hours.  Plus my son, being a master pastry chef, is doing the wedding cake and my daughter-in-law plus grandkids will be there.  So it wouldn't be get there, sit in the back and leave before anyone else type of thing.

I am sorry it is such a crappy situation for you...Maybe your absence will be noted and the reason why can not really be disputed. If he has "stated his case" publicly I can well imagine there is plenty of support for you.

What does your niece say?  I always thought it was the bride & groom who decided the guest list.  Perhaps she could have a word with your brother.

Yeah, my brother would be like that, too. Send him a box of dog crap. If you have a big dog, I'll give you my brothers address, too!    >:-)

Hugs, Devlyn

Sheesh..that would hurt.

I've always hated/resented attending ceremonies like funerals, church, and weddings.although most weddings have a DJ and dance floor, which makes up for it.

I don't think I would have gotten married myself if I hadn't designed and made my own dress (which was glittering blue, and I used for ballroom dancing afterward), had a destination wedding on the beach on a FLA island, surrounded by wheeling Black Skimmers and other sea birds.

But I've been in Thailand for the past seven years and missed my nephew's wedding. I felt terrible after my sister said she wished I'd been there.

Quote from: AnneK on May 07, 2017, 07:10:43 AM
What does your niece say?  I always thought it was the bride & groom who decided the guest list.  Perhaps she could have a word with your brother.

Ya, this. Most young people are very open to transgender people. If she says your welcome I would go. It's not your brothers wedding after all.

I would reach out to your niece and check in.
While most young people are accepting depending where they are this could be her way of chickening out and not telling you herself.

I'm curious though..... does she know? I am assuming here, but if you told your brother with the ask that he shares with his kids I could see him making this demand if he hadn't yet told them.


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Quote from: Charley on May 07, 2017, 09:14:51 AM
It's not your brothers wedding after all.

ditto.

When i was at your stage of transition I would have opted out unless she reached out to me personally. There's no way I would have risk being a distraction or a target at her wedding. Had I gone, I would have regretted caving into the pressure of coming as someone else too.

I dont know if this is an answer to anything, it's simply based on  my own experience and family dynamics. YMMV

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I'm so sorry that you had to experience this. Two years ago when I was starting my transition, my sister was getting married for the second time to the man she had recently had a baby out of wedlock with. My religious very religious family told me that they had invited <insert dead name here> and not Jess. They didn't want me to be a distraction. My brother-in-law, he's a marijuana grower. So go figure.  Hang tough girl and don't let them get you down.

Quote from: AnneK on May 07, 2017, 07:10:43 AM
What does your niece say?  I always thought it was the bride & groom who decided the guest list.

Bev didn't get an invitation from the niece.  That says it all right there.

It sounds like you were planning on going to the wedding presenting as a male before your brother said what he said, so why would what he said ruin your plans to go presenting as male? I understand his statement didn't validate you as transgender, but if it were me I would attend to support my family and Neice on her special day presenting as male as you had originally planned.

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As for my niece, her comment was she didn't understand transgender but it was my life.  But that was only after I reached out to her on Facebook which in itself hurt a little.  When she was much younger, I tried to spend as much time with her as I could and do things with her while my brother and sister-in-law were deployed during Desert Storm (both were 82nd).  I guess the best way to describe how my niece feels is to say she is ambivalent toward me unlike her younger sister who, the night she read my letter, called me and said, "I just wanted to tell you I love you Aunt Bev."

Deb and I did get an invitation to the wedding but we sent back the RSVP as unable to attend even before I talked with my sister-in-law. That was simply so that I didn't have to interact with my brother as he is going to have to reach out first. Maybe that's shallow of me but it's the way it is. 

Your brother did not want you there he wanted someone else. I am sorry you had to go through this.

If my brother said that, I'd just laugh at him and go anyway, however I wanted. What's he gonna do, have me thrown out? With what, imaginary thugs? Ruin his own wedding with a huge bigoted rant? Quietly tell me he doesn't want me there? I'd laugh at him again and  treat his words like the joke they are.    :P

Quote from: EmmaLoo on May 07, 2017, 11:51:39 AM
When i was at your stage of transition I would have opted out unless she reached out to me personally. There's no way I would have risk being a distraction or a target at her wedding. Had I gone, I would have regretted caving into the pressure of coming as someone else too.

I dont know if this is an answer to anything, it's simply based on  my own experience and family dynamics. YMMV

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I agree. This is not your day.  Ask you're niece and double check with her as the date gets closer if she said yes the first time.

Remember receptions typically involve too much booze.  I doubt you would want to be the center of a scene.

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Hi Bev,
Maybe in some way your brother is reaching out by inviting you. Yes the instruction to come as male hurts a lot, but you were going to attend in that form. Sometimes our feelings can be a barrier to the longer term gains. This could be a first step to repairing your relationship without your brother feeling anxiety about how 'he' would be perceived having you come as the person you truly are.
In a small way we all compromise our needs, My wife and I were going to a function the other night and I came out to the lounge with my woman ankle boots under my jeans rather than my bloke ones. She very quickly spotted this and told me in no uncertain terms to change. I did this as a tongue in cheek opportunity to see if she does check me out carefully as she is extremely fearful of my hidden life becoming public. I duly changed but hated that I had to present fully in ala-male-mode apart from a camisole.
I know it is a very weak comparison, it's just you have an opportunity to start the recovery of your relationship. Maybe his invitation and not acceptance is his best effort to start the ball rolling.
Only you will know your brothers intentions and if the invitation is sincere enough to travel the distance.
I do hope you find a way to connect as it would be so sad to lose a connection with a sibling.
Hugs
Sue.

Well the wedding went off without a hitch (other than rain) and without me.  I did find out there were two transgender people at the wedding...two of the grooms cousins, both FtM.  No dress code restrictions place on them, however.

Quote from: BeverlyAnn on June 01, 2017, 10:58:12 PM
Well the wedding went off without a hitch (other than rain) and without me.  I did find out there were two transgender people at the wedding...two of the grooms cousins, both FtM.  No dress code restrictions place on them, however.

I am glad it went Ok but it must have been a difficult day. Especially in light of the double standard. Personally I would be furious and vent my anger as inte4nsly as I could and be done with it if you can...that is a big thing to try and do but don't let it eat away at you...this is coming from someone who has a tendency to dwell on anything...but I think you know where I am coming from :)

Wow! When I meet people like that, i am not even surprised anymore but when it happen's to other people, I am really shocked.

I made a video on youtube addressing that subject. It's about a toxic relationship I got with a guys... In the end, a friend told me :

- DO YOU REALLY WANT TO SURROUND YOURSELF BY PEOPLE WHO ARE DISGUSTED BY WHO YOU ARE?
- DO YOU WANT TO SURROUND YOURSELF WITH PEOPLE WHO'D BE ASHAMED TO BE SEEN WITH YOU IN THE PUBLIC EYE?

Of course the answer is no. It took us years to find every single building blocks to build this confidence and feel free to be ourselves in the midst of judgment and contempt in a society where fingers are pointed at us.

You are worth way more than rejection Beverly.

I'm trying to think of what circumstance it would take for me to disown my brothers or sisters or try to tell them how to live. If they hurt or molested a child or committed murder. Past that, I can't imagine trying to dictate their lives to them. Your brother should beg for your forgiveness over his actions.
Moni

Yeah i'd definitely reach out to your niece directly. Your bother is not in charge of you or her choices anymore, and depending on the outcome of that, i might respond " Your welcome to have this girl's attendance at your joyous family event, provided you show some love and acceptance to you sibling"

Quote from: ElizabethK on June 01, 2017, 11:21:15 PM
I am glad it went Ok but it must have been a difficult day. Especially in light of the double standard. Personally I would be furious and vent my anger as inte4nsly as I could and be done with it if you can...that is a big thing to try and do but don't let it eat away at you...this is coming from someone who has a tendency to dwell on anything...but I think you know where I am coming from :)

Oh I'm done Liz.  I gave him over a year and if he were to call me on the phone now, I wouldn't answer.  I told Deb the other day that, as far as my wishes go, if something happens to me, don't tell him until after the funeral.