Susan's Place Transgender Resources

I was sitting down with my wife and I started to talk, about a song that I heard on the radio. I said it has been years since, I heard that song, it was the last time I really cried and that was when we where dating 7 years ago. We had just had a huge fight and I thought I would never see you again. I listened to that song for hours and cried. You are the best thing that every happened to me, I cannot image my life without you.

I then paused, there is something I need to tell you, this has been going around my head for the last year, I think I'm transgender. She replied what? It explains so much about my life, I have never been one to hang out with guys, the few friends I every had were women and bunch of other life events that in hindsight point to being transgender. The conversation ended there. I never planned on the conversation going in this direction.

I came back the next night and told her I wanted to talk more. I wanted to continue our talk from last night. Her first comment was, I don't see you with a vagina, I want you think about this and go to counseling.

The next night, I explained that I was willing to go to counseling. I told her don't want to be a woman, I want to be a man. She seemed happy, so I stopped there.

Tomorrow I start counseling. I am really excited, my wife is also going with me. I am no gender therapist, so I am looking forward to hearing from the professional.

Erika, first of all, congratulations on taking the first step.  Coming out to our partners is always very difficult and what you described in her reaction is more open minded than many of us experience.  I question the statement you made to her that you don't want to be a woman.  Is that true?  Or are you maybe at this point not sure or don't *think* you want to be a woman?   I ask because I made similar statements to my wife when I first came out to her. I told her I thought I was gender fluid but that I liked my man parts and didn't want to become a woman.  After months of therapy I realized that this was really my own denial and my own attempt at softening the blow for her.  Well that backfired on me completely after I came to conclude that I did indeed need to transition, that I wasn't gender fluid but am truly female inside.  She's held it against me numerous times since.  So maybe avoid speaking in absolutes.  You know what your feelings are now but some counseling may lead you to other conclusions.

As far as the counseling, it's very good that you guys are seeing someone together, however I would encourage you to also see someone separately.  Even in a counselor's office that is supposed to be a safe and open place to share anything honestly, it's still hard to do some of the self analysis and discovery that is needed in order to uncover the answers you seek.

Good luck to you, we're all here for you any time you need!!

I may have just written the book on how not to come out, I think I am deeper in the closet then when I started. Every since that night I wish I could take back what I said, so I would have more time to figure things out on my own. I think I am somewhere between denial and bargaining. Eighteen months ago gender was black and white, then all of a sudden it became a sea of gray. My wife still sees gender as black and white and I have no problem with her staying that way. She is 100% in denial right now, I can tell by the, I looked online about transgender woman and you don't fit that description at all comments.

Yeah right now she's grasping.  She's seeing the potential of losing "her man" and trying desperately to exert whatever control she can to prevent that from happening.  It can get manipulative at times but it will be part of her grieving process.  IMHO, you need to start by really figuring out where you're at.  Seeing a therapist (alone) and do the work to discover what it is you really need. Then you can present the facts to her in no uncertain terms and she'll have to then take that and deal with it. 

I know how you feel with the coming out before you were ready.  In my case, I had scheduled an appointment with a gender therapist.  I just told my wife I had made an appointment with a therapist without mentioning gender or what it was all about.  As I said before, at the time I thought I might be non-binary/gender fluid. However I wasn't sure and I wanted to work with a therapist and identify for sure who I was before I came out to my wife.  Unfortunately, 2 weeks before my appointment, my wife pressed me for an explanation of why I was going to a therapist.  I told her how I felt, that I can't help but feel that my need to cross dress was more than just a fetish or something.  That I thought it was gender identity related and that I might be non-binary.

Things went south from there fast. I didn't have the answers to many of her questions.  She asked me "are you going to go Caitlyn Jenner on me" and of course at the time I said no.  I really wasn't prepared for the conversation or the questions she asked me and I did a terrible job of answering them.  As I look back on it now, I would have done many things differently given what I know now.  But the fact is, I didn't know and couldn't have known.

So what I'm saying is don't be too hard on yourself.  There is no "right" way to do this, there is no one road map that works for everyone, we each just do the best we can.  What you have to do right now is be honest with your wife and avoid being vague or understating things in an attempt to protect her feelings.  It won't work anyway and it will just cause both of you frustration.  I'm no expert at this, my marriage appears headed for the crapper, but I'm here or you can PM me anytime to bounce ideas off me or hear more about my experience.

Quote from: Erika_Courtney on May 09, 2017, 11:53:11 AM
Every since that night I wish I could take back what I said, so I would have more time to figure things out on my own.

Sounds familiar, I was there as well. Came out on a whim to my ex boyfriend 3 years ago to then realize I was not ready and ended up burying my feelings even deeper. Took me 3 years to be able to accept it once again and here I am going to therapy.

So what I'm trying to say is, even if you think it wasn't the best way or that you're not ready, please hang in there. Keep going to therapy and working on it...Don't waste time burying it since it'll come out again at some point, only that you'll be older and things might be even more complicated.

It was an hour long car ride for the therapy appointment, and my wife asked what are we going to talk about. I told her I am going to tell therapist I am here because of you and she laughed.

Of course the first part of appointment was paperwork, then we go back to the office. Then came the question, why are you here? I am here because of my wife. My wife went on to explain that in the 9 years that we have been together, I have never wanted to talk about anything, then all of sudden one night I opened up like a book and haven't wanted to stop talking since. She doesn't feel that she can help me and wants me to find someone who can and she said she was shocked after 5 years of wanting me to get help, I finally called someone. This made me feel really good about myself. I told therapist, all my life people have told me something is wrong with me, my wife is the only person to say I am normal and believed in me. I said if 99% of my luck was bad the 1% that was good was finding her. I said that honestly I don't feel that I have a good husband to her, when she needed me the most, I was emotionally distance. I can only remember crying one time in the last 7 years. I use to cry a lot, but one day my mom, yes I said my mom, said boys don't cry. I build this wall between my emotions and me. I then told the therapist, this might sound creepy, but if my wife every found herself in that position again, I wanted to be her, so she didn't have to live through that again. I'll want to be a better husband next time. My wife responded by saying there was a rough patch in our marriage and looking back even she wished she had handle herself better. The therapist turned the subject to a lighter topic as the appointment was drawing to a close. Then it was over, but not before I told therapist, I have a great mother and anyone who says other wise has to answer to me. I may have issues with my mother, but I will also love her.

It didn't seem like much happen during the session, but know that I have thought about it, there were some really big things.

I go back in a week and half for a solo session. Looking forward to expanding on what we talked about today.

I was really inspired today to do some self discovery, thank you Ashley3. I stopped by a Wal-Mart and purchased a pair of women's jeans and a top. I tried them on and I looked ridiculous. I never thought I had much body hair, it is always covered by my guy clothes, not so much covered by women's clothes. I am also pretty sure the top made me gain 20 pounds. I wasn't to crazy about the pants either, the pockets were way to small. Despite looking ridiculous, there are definitely some real feelings to explore from this little experience.

I've never been very hairy but I can relate.  All the times I crossdressed when I was younger the female clothing highlighted my muscles and made me look more masculine.

But -- do not be discouraged.  Once I learned how to buy and wear the right clothes, I got a decent wig and some makeup.  I put myself together, took a look in the mirror, saw the real me for the first time and fell in love.  It will happen for you too.

Be patient.  Cis girls spend years learning how to be women.  Why should it be any different for us?

Erika, I'll just second what Carly said, it takes time.  Your body right now is shaped differently than a woman's body, as a result the clothes aren't cut to fit your body as it is right now.  However, with waist cinchers, hip/butt padding, etc. you can account for that and things will improve. 

There's also a component here of "Welcome to Womanhood".  Women's clothes in general are cut to be more figure fitting and as you've noticed lighter coverage.  As such their less forgiving of "imperfections". I put that in quotes because EVERY woman has imperfections that they don't like.  As you try on different clothes you'll start to learn what styles accentuate the positives or minimize the challenge areas.  There are also guides online, some geared toward cross-dressers/transgender others toward cis-women but those would work too, that can help with how to minimize features or accentuate features.

Hang in there, you're just getting started. As frustrating as it can be, all of this just takes practice.  Like Carly said, remember cis-women start learning this stuff in their pre-teens.  That's a lot to catch up on.

When I started to question my gender identity, I visited a bunch of different boards, but I always seem to come back here before the night was over. This is not just a place for a question and an answer, it was a place to share your journey and the journey of others. I didn't want to just make a throw away account, say somethings and fade back into the shadows, you are all real people, with real lives and I have read so many courageous stories on this site. It took me over a week the come up with my user name, I eliminated Erika at least 5 times, but I just keep coming back to it. What is in a name anyway? Erika has no legal meaning, I can't board a plane under the name Erika Courtney. Yet for some reason, I felt I had to pick just the right name. Besides I dislike being referred to as female. When ever I pick up the phone and it's a telemarketer, they always say hello miss, I spend the next five minutes telling them they are talking to a sir and they better get it right. So why did a spend a week trying to pick out the right female name? For that matter why am I even here, that question I can answer.

I always knew something was different about me, nothing bad just I was different then the other boys. I grew up in the 1980's and there was no internet and I don't remember their being a transgender episode of Facts of Life. It wasn't until the last couple of years, that I even heard the word transgender and that was in the context of a man completely transiting into a female. I don't have a problem looking like a guy and I could have seen myself as a guy 20 years from now. What stuck out to me during my research, was more of a mental transition. My plan became to live in guy physical mode, same name and clothes, just mentally change, to be the girl I am suppose to be in my head. Then I stared to read the post that replied referring to me as Erika. I won't lie, I liked being addressed as Erika. I still didn't really have a mental image of me with a female body. Then I thought maybe it would be fun to see myself dressed in female clothes, so I cross dressed. I may have looked ridiculous, but honestly I was really excited to see myself dressed as female. I could not help but wonder, what would I look like with breast and long hair? It is really scary to be asking this because I hate long hair and never wanted breast or any other female features. If I want to know what I look like with long hair and breast, I will have an idea soon, since I ordered both last night. You can find anything on the internet.

I woke up this morning and started to wonder are things moving to fast? I checked online and my wig and breast order were processed, looks like they are coming in the mail. With that being said, I think I need to take a little break for soul searching and have a little fun, and get some fresh air. I will probably have had two therapy appointments before I post again, so I will have a lot to catch up on.

I think the biggest take away from yesterday is this: I thought Erika was the girl in my head, but I am starting to think that Erika is the girl inside of me.

I'm with you there, although by the time I joined this site I was already in the middle of making "the decision", I think what you're going through is referred to as "the bargaining stage", I had a stint with it myself, "maybe I'll just be a really feminine guy, or a crossdresser! Either of those would definitely be easier... Marginally less stigma, no permanent changes, keep fully functional sexual equipment, the advantages are endless!" But none of it was enough, it always felt like I needed to go further. So after I was sure I really wanted to, which was a whole other process, I made a list of the things that would keep me from doing it, and I set out to eliminate them one by one. I'm at the last one now, freezing some sperm tomorrow morning, and then an email to the endo and my prescriptions will be sent in (and a demonstration of how to inject myself scheduled)

Quote from: Erika_Courtney on May 16, 2017, 09:38:21 PM
When I started to question my gender identity, I visited a bunch of different boards, but I always seem to come back here before the night was over. This is not just a place for a question and an answer, it was a place to share your journey and the journey of others. I didn't want to just make a throw away account, say somethings and fade back into the shadows, you are all real people, with real lives and I have read so many courageous stories on this site. It took me over a week the come up with my user name, I eliminated Erika at least 5 times, but I just keep coming back to it. What is in a name anyway? Erika has no legal meaning, I can't board a plane under the name Erika Courtney. Yet for some reason, I felt I had to pick just the right name. Besides I dislike being referred to as female. When ever I pick up the phone and it's a telemarketer, they always say hello miss, I spend the next five minutes telling them they are talking to a sir and they better get it right. So why did a spend a week trying to pick out the right female name? For that matter why am I even here, that question I can answer.

I always knew something was different about me, nothing bad just I was different then the other boys. I grew up in the 1980's and there was no internet and I don't remember their being a transgender episode of Facts of Life. It wasn't until the last couple of years, that I even heard the word transgender and that was in the context of a man completely transiting into a female. I don't have a problem looking like a guy and I could have seen myself as a guy 20 years from now. What stuck out to me during my research, was more of a mental transition. My plan became to live in guy physical mode, same name and clothes, just mentally change, to be the girl I am suppose to be in my head. Then I stared to read the post that replied referring to me as Erika. I won't lie, I liked being addressed as Erika. I still didn't really have a mental image of me with a female body. Then I thought maybe it would be fun to see myself dressed in female clothes, so I cross dressed. I may have looked ridiculous, but honestly I was really excited to see myself dressed as female. I could not help but wonder, what would I look like with breast and long hair? It is really scary to be asking this because I hate long hair and never wanted breast or any other female features. If I want to know what I look like with long hair and breast, I will have an idea soon, since I ordered both last night. You can find anything on the internet.

I woke up this morning and started to wonder are things moving to fast? I checked online and my wig and breast order were processed, looks like they are coming in the mail. With that being said, I think I need to take a little break for soul searching and have a little fun, and get some fresh air. I will probably have had two therapy appointments before I post again, so I will have a lot to catch up on.

I think the biggest take away from yesterday is this: I thought Erika was the girl in my head, but I am starting to think that Erika is the girl inside of me.

Erika,

   I'm in agreement with Danielle (congrats Danielle on the HRT) You sound like you are bargaining with yourself, I did it too From the time I ordered my hrt I went through the "I can always stop before there are permanent changes if I decide I don't want to go though with it" Well I think I lied to myself. From the first pill I think I knew I was not going to stop. What I was doing was right. But it didn't stop me from second guessing myself or feeling overwhelmed as one thing led to another. I even said I was taking a break from posting here. LOL That lasted two days I think.
  You will feel like that many times Erika. You will have your doubts and second guess yourself but if it is right for you, you will always come back to where you left off and continue. That girl is not just inside Erika, you are that girl.

  Wishing you all the luck in the world Erika whatever you decide to do.

Hugs,
   Laurie

Quote from: Erika_Courtney on May 09, 2017, 11:53:11 AM
I may have just written the book on how not to come out, I think I am deeper in the closet then when I started. Every since that night I wish I could take back what I said, so I would have more time to figure things out on my own.

That sounds familiar!  Being a few years down the road from coming out to my SO and deeper in the closet than ever I have had a lot of time to consider where I went wrong.  My fundamental problem at the time I confessed was that I viewed crossdressing and a nagging wish I was female as some form of sick perversion - like many others here, I thought that marriage had 'cured' me but, of course, it hadn't and, over the ensuing decades, the dysphoria and TG feelings got stronger.  As a result, my wife viewed it in exactly the same way.  In fairness, she tried to understand and be tolerant but, in the end, found the whole thing distasteful and, as a result, I agreed to cease all activities.   What I didn't understand at the time is that being TG in any of its guises is not a perversion but the result of a disconnect between the brain and body, probably hard wired in during foetal development, possibly as a result of medication taken by my mother during pregnancy.  Had I been able to explain things in that way, I may well have experienced compassion & support and possibly even latitude to indulge myself.

Without wishing to contradict other respondents here (as we are all different) for me, I find that I am battling with the desire to be a proper male.  Whilst I long for the sensations of being female and increasingly find that I look on women with envy and a desire to be them rather than just be with them, I want to be a father to my kids and a proper husband to my wife; I want to feel comfortable in a male skin and be able to live up to the expectations which family, friends and society in general has of me as a male.  One could argue that I am in denial over my true self but, equally, try as I might, I cannot envisage potentially giving up everything to live the rest of my life as a female.

And that's the dilemma which I think you are facing too.  Others have indicated that you may feel you have to transition in the future but, equally, you can take the decision to live with the dysphoria (as the vast majority of dysphoria sufferers had to do prior to the advances in transgender treatment (both medical and by society) over the past couple of decades).  Neither option is a walk in the park and, at the end of the day, you have to do what's right for you.

Above all else, what's important is that you maintain a dialogue with your wife.  If there's anything that pushes you deeper into the closet than anything else (and with it heightens the dysphoria), it's making the issue a taboo subject never to be discussed - here speaks the voice of experience!

Good luck and keep us posted!

Erika Courtney,

Hi and welcome to the site. I see you jumped on and started posting so much that no one noticed you had not received a welcome. So here it is.

Looks like you have had a lot of help and a lot to digest.

Having been through what you just did two years ago, I have some experience with that. Let me know if you have further questions. I think going to a therapist that specializes in gender issues is the best first step.

Good luck.

I also want to share some links with you. They are mostly welcome information and the rules that govern the site. If you have not had a chance to look through them, please take a moment:

Site Terms of Service & Rules to Live By (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,2.0.html)	Standard Terms & Definitions (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,54369.0.html)	Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar) (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,114.0.html.)
Reputation rules (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,18960.0.html)	News posting & quoting guidelines (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,174951.0.html)	Photo, avatars, & signature images policy (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,59974.msg383866.html#msg383866)

Once again, welcome to Susan's. Look around, ask questions and join in.

With warmth,

Joanna

My honest feeling right now is that I am a fraud. I join Susan's Place because I thought I was transgender, and presented to you these feeling that I was actually a woman. Today I don't feel transgender, I feel like a did 18 months ago before I ever knew what the word transgender meant. What I difference 24 hours makes.

A short summary about Less then 24 Hours Ago:

I went to see my gender therapist, I got up the words out I wonder if I am transgender and I'm afraid to find out yes. The I started talking a mile minute. I talked about playing with dolls, I loved my little pony, nearly all friends were female with near complete rejection of male friends, dreaming about being girl, tired of being a guy and etc.Then I felt like I was getting crossed examined on the witness stand. Every point, made I was challenged on.
Then this conversation took place:

Therapist:
No you want a vagina?
No

No you want breast?
No

What type of underwear do you have on?
Boxers

What Type of Boxers:
Hanes

What type of Hanes?
I don't know the kind you get from the men section at Walmart.

If you don't want a vagina or breast and you are not wearing any female clothing, you are not transgender.


I should be happy, my wife was going leave me and take our kid if I every transition.

Also honestly I never talked to a transgender person before I joined Susan's Place. You are nicer and more caring then some the real life men and women I know. I have to put the guy warning in here, I know this may sound creepy, but I you are the kind of people I would like to be friends with. Thank you for all of your support.

Susan's is a place for self discovery and somebody who decides the transition isn't right for them is just as welcome as somebody who wants everything. It's always best to figure this out before changes are made that you might regret. Feel free to stick around as not all discussions are about transitioning. We have had CIS women come here for FFS information, and even a minister who engage in religious discussion. Our SO section consist of people who know others who are transgender and those who just want to know more about us. There still is the possibly that you could be in the non binary but still pretty close to the male side of the scale. Don't feel you have to leave as you are still welcome here.

Quote from: Erika_Courtney on May 20, 2017, 11:14:36 AM
My honest feeling right now is that I am a fraud. I join Susan's Place because I thought I was transgender, and presented to you these feeling that I was actually a woman. Today I don't feel transgender, I feel like a did 18 months ago before I ever knew what the word transgender meant. What I difference 24 hours makes.

...

Also honestly I never talked to a transgender person before I joined Susan's Place. You are nicer and more caring then some the real life men and women I know. I have to put the guy warning in here, I know this may sound creepy, but I you are the kind of people I would like to be friends with. Thank you for all of your support.

Firstly, I don't think you're a fraud at all.  If you look back through my posts, you'll see a lot of see-sawing between 'I need to transition' and 'I'm quite happy as I am'.  Like you, I felt fraudulent once I realised that I was not a woman trapped in a man's body and very nearly signed off from this site.  However, I realised that there were plenty of others like me struggling with dysphoria that comes and goes and, unfortunately, I think you'll find that whilst your dysphoria has gone today, it may well be back tomorrow, next week or next month.  That's not to say that when/if it does return, you have to throw out all of your male clothes and immediately live 24/7 as a female though, but understanding that, for some of us, dysphoria does come and go should be enough to convince you that you're not a fraud, even during the dysphoria downtimes.

Moving onto your therapist, they're either extremely bad at their job or extremely good!  Reading the words as you write them, they look like the former but, equally, it looks possible that they have played devil's advocate to help you understand more about yourself.  Whilst today you have accepted their diagnosis at face value, what is important is that you reach an understanding about yourself which takes in all of the feelings, both masculine and feminine, that you have.  You don't need to wear panties and stockings under your male clothes to be transgender and, equally, you can wear the said items for fetishistic reasons and not be transgender.  It's a much deeper issue than that and if your therapist can't help you delve deeper into your psyche, then maybe it's time to change therapist.

Finally, like you I had never interacted with the transgender community before joining this site and, like you, I have been overwhelmed by the kindness and insight I have received which has helped me shape my understanding of my own situation and what is right for me.  As Dena said in her reply, stick around and don't leave, particularly as I think you still have unanswered questions about yourself - in particular, if the therapist is so adamant that you are not transgender, how does that square with your feelings of being different and your developing desire to see yourself with female attributes such as long hair and breasts articulated in an earlier post on this thread.

Above all, though, remember that this is about you.  There's nothing wrong with living with an inner struggle while maintaining the status quo to preserve your marriage and family.  Of course, it's not easy but many people live with far worse - loss of mobility or sight, terminal illness etc. - so, if you want to stay as you are, it's doable and doesn't make you any less of a member of this community.

Quote from: Erika_Courtney on May 20, 2017, 11:14:36 AM
My honest feeling right now is that I am a fraud. I join Susan's Place because I thought I was transgender, and presented to you these feeling that I was actually a woman. Today I don't feel transgender, I feel like a did 18 months ago before I ever knew what the word transgender meant. What I difference 24 hours makes.

A short summary about Less then 24 Hours Ago:

I went to see my gender therapist, I got up the words out I wonder if I am transgender and I'm afraid to find out yes. The I started talking a mile minute. I talked about playing with dolls, I loved my little pony, nearly all friends were female with near complete rejection of male friends, dreaming about being girl, tired of being a guy and etc.Then I felt like I was getting crossed examined on the witness stand. Every point, made I was challenged on.
Then this conversation took place:

Therapist:
No you want a vagina?
No

No you want breast?
No

What type of underwear do you have on?
Boxers

What Type of Boxers:
Hanes

What type of Hanes?
I don't know the kind you get from the men section at Walmart.

If you don't want a vagina or breast and you are not wearing any female clothing, you are not transgender.


I should be happy, my wife was going leave me and take our kid if I every transition.

Also honestly I never talked to a transgender person before I joined Susan's Place. You are nicer and more caring then some the real life men and women I know. I have to put the guy warning in here, I know this may sound creepy, but I you are the kind of people I would like to be friends with. Thank you for all of your support.

Being confused about things, and taking steps to figure things out, does not make you a fraud.

You are a human being. Human beings are emotional creatures first. You are wondering about feelings you have that are somewhat if not significantly incongruous with the expectations of you presented by your environment, or you may wish to connect with your wife (as one of infinite examples) a certain way but cannot find the words to ask. I or others can't say, you need to self discover. Therapy is supposed to help resolve that confusion in a way that leaves you fully comfortable... or that's my ideal of therapy anyway.

Your confusion and wonderment is fine... not that you don't want to make things better or more resolved, but don't be so hard on yourself for being human.

It is natural in our society to have feelings, not fully understand them, want better understanding of them, and to seek that understanding by trying to discuss things with others, wife, therapist, or otherwise.

Sometimes you may share those feelings with others and feel stranger after, and that's okay... all feelings have meaning and you can be happy if you have feelings one way or another. Worry if you don't feel anything. :D

All to say that confusion is not a bad thing... just something you may (or may not) want to resolve depending on the importance of the related issues (i.e., if I'm confused about a product advertisement, I may not want to invest much in resolving my confusion, but if I'm confused about my own gender, I may invest a lifetime! ... in both cases, I'm going to start by appreciating my self-knowledge of the confusion and that stemming from that confusion are feelings that work to inform me.).

I cannot imagine a therapist in my own experience telling me the answer to my transgender status at any time much less the answer of "no" within my first session for the apparently superficial reasons you outlined... seems odd... but I wasn't there... be curious to see what others say.

When someone has any form of gender variance, especially when it's largely unexpressed, as it quite often is, people can be quite bottled up, repressed about it to the point of not wearing anything or showing anything publicly. Lack of gender expression is not an indication of lack of gender variance. Because of that potential level of repression, I've mostly heard of therapists interacting and letting things bubble up from the client. You don't have to secretly wear panties, for example, to validate your female nature when you are in guy mode.

I am not a therapist but I do know that repression can be immensely powerful and difficult to understand. My understanding and experience is that a good gender therapist knows this and the initial sessions—if not throughout—can often be about allowing the patient to "be" so there can be self-discovery either amidst the sessions or as a result of events surrounding ongoing sessions.

Right now, it seems like you are grappling with both repression as well as how others in your environment are responding to your attempts to bring those out for mere discussion. (I could be wrong... don't let my wonderment be the guiding force... maybe you've already solved everything... I'm merely trying to present possibilities toward opening your mind up to something beyond the black-and-white possibilities. Seems you are somewhat aware of this already but I sense you may not be fully, and I wonder if your wife thinks it's always a "guy mode" vs "bottom surgery" sort of dilemma which is so not the case. Discussing hidden gender issues openly and respectfully can often be a relationship-enhancing thing... in my opinion, therapy should be getting you to understand the possibilities and fostering healthy discussion with you and between you and your wife etc. )

Continuing... What I'm saying is... you are the one trying to be truthful here... that is not a bad thing. You're not going around saying "I'm a woman, I'm a woman" or "I want HRT, I want HRT." Not that there would be anything wrong with that depending on the context, but I'm saying you seem to be trying to be very slow, careful, wise about each step you take. I don't sense a rash desire to hastily jump in some direction. I'm not completely certain but I wonder if you are attempting to try to learn more through discussing things with others, such as with your wife and therapist, where you get some response and it seems to bottle you up... I can't be certain, but I wonder about that possibility.

Keep in mind there are a zillion paths one can take. You are a unique person with your own unique path. You are trying to figure that out. You could, for example, find any of the following possibilities viable resolutions to your situation...

• You may ask your wife you if she would mind during intimacy if you could be in a feminine role with her. This can allow a couple to explore gender roles within the safe mutually supportive environment of intimacy. You may discover that is all you want, and the rest of the time you want to be in guy mode. This is fine!


• You may discover you are trans but want to live mostly in guy mode with minor nuanced changes that are compatible with your wife. This is fine!


• You may discover you are not trans but wish to cross-dress at some frequency, often or only occasionally, and you wish to do that either with your wife or privately. You don't have to be trans to cross dress. This is fine!


• You may decide to get hair removal, love it, but not want to do more. You may find your wife is fine with that. You may find you are not a trans-woman but just like to be somewhat feminine some or all the time, perhaps in a way fully compatible with your wife. This is fine!


• You may see that you are not trans, don't want to cross dress, and have fully resolved this issue. That is fine!


• You may discover that you are very trans-feminine but your wife means so much to you, and it's a deal-breaker for her, so you decide to live a compromise that is not perfect but ultimately worth it to you. While we often hear this just doesn't work, that's not really accurate... there are no rules... you define how you will live. Don't let stereotypes define you. There may be helpful guiding archetypes but be a leader of who you are. This is fine!


• You may decide to start hormones, get hair removal, and that you want to fully transition, but not get bottom surgery. This is fine too! Also, you cannot guarantee your wife, who says this is a deal-breaker, won't reconcile, but without sugarcoating it, I'm saying watch the assumptions yet it's good you be realistic as you've obviously been. She is a person and her words and feelings matter.

I mean, there are a zillion forms of transition. All you're doing is asking simple questions. I don't really agree with the therapist's quick assessment but I also wasn't there... but the thing is, that sort of diagnosis doesn't seem to let you feel comfortable with any outcome.

Regarding apperances... most everyone I've heard from on this, including myself, has started off totally in disbelief that they can progress to a point of looking good in "that dress." I started at 225lbs with hair and a huge man nose... I dropped down to 170lbs (a bit higher now :) ), got full hair removal, and a rhinoplasty as my first procedures... each step was a move forward in both mental and physical health. I continued.

Most everyone starts out looking like "man in the dress." The key is to make small steps in improvement.

Also, keep in mind that ciswoman sometimes don't work well with certain style outfits, or even certain dresses. I rarely wear a full dress, but I have a few that look great, and I love the occasions where I can wear them... I wear them confidently out compared to my first time out when I was sweating and felt like "man with a big man nose in a dress." LoL  :D 

I always wear women's pants, blouses, etc., often skirts... however, not all blouses work, not all colors work.... And guess what? That's what ciswomen deal with too! Ciswomen cannot put on any old dress and magically look great... well, maybe some, but many cannot do that... they need to learn what works, shop right, and all that.

For genetic males who present as female or in a feminine way, it's definitely tougher given the starting point, but even after removing a lot of genetic male markers, it doesn't magically become easy... if you're lucky, you get close to having the same dilemma as a ciswoman. I gather it's often slightly tougher than that as some genetic male markers stick around for many.

Quote from: aaajjj55 on May 20, 2017, 02:11:52 PM
Firstly, I don't think you're a fraud at all.  If you look back through my posts, you'll see a lot of see-sawing between 'I need to transition' and 'I'm quite happy as I am'.  Like you, I felt fraudulent once I realised that I was not a woman trapped in a man's body and very nearly signed off from this site.  However, I realised that there were plenty of others like me struggling with dysphoria that comes and goes ...

I felt there was seesawing as well... perhaps in response to others (wife/therapist) reactions to Erika's attempts to surface the dysphoria. I just hope Erika and his/her/their wife understand being trans-feminine doesn't necessarily equal no guy mode ever again. I hope they are aware of simpler possibilities that may be amiable to all involved... I wasn't getting that feeling which is why I outlined some possibilities.

I just want to thank everyone for there words of support and understanding. So it looks like you are stuck with me.

Before you take the witness stand again, you need to do your homework. You could be a member of the non binary. In the non binary, you might not have a clearly defined gender identity or it's even possible to switch from one identity to another depending on the phase of the moon or whatever. Try taking a look at the non binary section (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/board,57.0.html) and our WIKI  (https://www.susans.org/wiki/Transgender). ->-bleeped-<- is far more than transsexualism though somebody who is transsexual is transgender.

Quote from: aaajjj55 on May 20, 2017, 02:11:52 PM

Moving onto your therapist, they're either extremely bad at their job or extremely good!

I would describe them as bad, but I they did tell me what I wanted to hear, which only time will tell if it is the truth. I ma trying to give them the benefit of the doubt, I am meeting with them again in a week. Maybe we are going to talk about things more.

Quote from: Ashley3 on May 20, 2017, 02:21:22 PM




Your confusion and wonderment is fine... not that you don't want to make things better or more resolved, but don't be so hard on yourself for being human.

Thanks Ashley, I looked up the work wonderment, I have never heard anybody use it before, it is a cool word.

Quote from: Ashley3 on May 20, 2017, 02:21:22 PM

I cannot imagine a therapist in my own experience telling me the answer to my transgender status at any time much less the answer of "no" within my first session for the apparently superficial reasons you outlined... seems odd... but I wasn't there... be curious to see what others say.

I think my wife paid my therapist off =) of course I'm kidding.

Quote from: Ashley3 on May 20, 2017, 02:21:22 PM

You don't have to secretly wear panties, for example, to validate your female nature when you are in guy mode.

I tried panties on recently, not a fun experience. Maybe I would try them on backwards, but never forwards again.

Quote from: Ashley3 on May 20, 2017, 02:21:22 PM
Right now, it seems like you are grappling with both repression

I have a 15 period of my life that I refer to the Dark Ages, I won't talk about it end of story. With the exception of my wife I have told her three stories and my therapist three stories, from that time period. That is also why I am going back for more sessions, so I can tell more of my story.

Quote from: Ashley3 on May 20, 2017, 02:21:22 PM
wife thinks it's always a "guy mode" vs "bottom surgery" sort of dilemma which is so not the case. Discussing hidden gender issues openly and respectfully can often be a relationship-enhancing thing... in my opinion, therapy should be getting you to understand the possibilities and fostering healthy discussion with you and between you and your wife etc. )

To my wife I either want to be a guy or have a vagina. I tried talking with her about the mental side, that is just an excuses for men to wear dresses. This kind of comment is completely out of her character. We were out together one night and met up with a couple of her homosexual friends. These guys start hitting on her and she like I'm with my boyfriend and friends, and they were like these gay (they didn't use such a tame word) guys aren't your boyfriend. She told them leave us alone or she will have call the cops. Her friend is the cop that's on duty. They leave us alone for the rest of the night.

All Friday I though if the therapist agrees, I'm transgender, how do I go home and tell her this. I'm going to have to hide it until the next appointment. That ended up not being an issue.

Quote from: Ashley3 on May 20, 2017, 02:21:22 PM

Continuing... What I'm saying is... you are the one trying to be truthful here... that is not a bad thing. You're not going around saying "I'm a woman, I'm a woman" or "I want HRT, I want HRT."

Seriously, if I wanted HRT, I just have to drive two hours to a really high rated Informed Consent clinic. I did not tell my therapist that. I did say however, this isn't about hormones, I am just concerned when I look at how I feel there is so some serious behavior that is not typical male behavior. 

Quote from: Ashley3 on May 20, 2017, 02:21:22 PM

Not that there would be anything wrong with that depending on the context, but I'm saying you seem to be trying to be very slow, careful, wise about each step you take. I don't sense a rash desire to hastily jump in some direction. I'm not completely certain but I wonder if you are attempting to try to learn more through discussing things with others, such as with your wife and therapist, where you get some response and it seems to bottle you up... I can't be certain, but I wonder about that possibility.

It is kind of ironic, I finally find something I want to talk about and then my wife doesn't want to talk anymore. My wife from that faithful week has been if you don't mentioned it we consider it fully resolved end of story. To me that is just hiding from the truth. Maybe the truth is that I am a little nutty and my trauma created a reality that I would be okay being a woman. Just because I appear physically different does not change who I am.  I told my therapist I look in the mirror to comb my hair that is for less then a minute twice a day and that is it. I don't put much value on outside looks, I have met to many beautiful people on the outside that were ugly on the inside.

Thank for these ideas

Quote from: Ashley3 on May 20, 2017, 02:21:22 PM

• You may ask your wife you if she would mind during intimacy if you could be in a feminine role with her. This can allow a couple to explore gender roles within the safe mutually supportive environment of intimacy. You may discover that is all you want, and the rest of the time you want to be in guy mode.
  

It is an interesting idea. Not even going to ask my wife about this because, our relationship is going to remain she's the woman and I am the man.

Quote from: Ashley3 on May 20, 2017, 02:21:22 PM

[/li]
• You may discover you are trans but want to live mostly in guy mode with minor nuanced changes that are compatible with your wife. This is fine!

As long as that does not include the Hallmark Channel movies, I like that one.

Quote from: Ashley3 on May 20, 2017, 02:21:22 PM

• You may discover you are not trans but wish to cross-dress at some frequency, often or only occasionally, and you wish to do that either with your wife or privately. You don't have to be trans to cross dress. This is fine!

My wife has made if very clear she never wants to see me in a dress. That is what private time is for =).

Quote from: Ashley3 on May 20, 2017, 02:21:22 PM

• You may decide to get hair removal, love it, but not want to do more. You may find your wife is fine with that. You may find you are not a trans-woman but just like to be somewhat feminine some or all the time, perhaps in a way fully compatible with your wife. This is fine!

When I first grew facial hair, I was so excited, now I am sick and tried of facial hair. I have 5 o clock shadow at 8:00 AM. 

Quote from: Ashley3 on May 20, 2017, 02:21:22 PM

• You may see that you are not trans, don't want to cross dress, and have fully resolved this issue. That is fine!

That would be like hitting the Powerball =)

Quote from: Ashley3 on May 20, 2017, 02:21:22 PM

• You may discover that you are very trans-feminine but your wife means so much to you, and it's a deal-breaker for her, so you decide to live a compromise that is not perfect but ultimately worth it to you. While we often hear this just doesn't work, that's not really accurate... there are no rules... you define how you will live. Don't let stereotypes define you. There may be helpful guiding archetypes but be a leader of who you are. This is fine!

Quote from: Ashley3 on May 20, 2017, 02:21:22 PM

I mean, there are a zillion forms of transition. All you're doing is asking simple questions. I don't really agree with the therapist's quick assessment but I also wasn't there... but the thing is, that sort of diagnosis doesn't seem to let you feel comfortable with any outcome.

The worse thing about the diagnosis is what my wife wanted to hear. If took away the need for a serious sit down talk about me and how those things my wife wants buried in my mind, make me feel. Maybe I hit the Powerball and the therapist pulled the idea out of my head and it will never bother me again. Even two days later, I am seeing the world in my old way. I see a woman, I don't she her shirt, I see is she physically attractive or not and my eyes move on. I walked through the ladies clothes section, I just pasted through without any thoughts on the style and color of the clothes. I touch my wife and instead of thinking how soft her skin is, I am focused on the upcoming intimacy.

Quote from: Ashley3 on May 20, 2017, 02:21:22 PM
Regarding apperances... most everyone I've heard from on this, including myself, has started off totally in disbelief that they can progress to a point of looking good in "that dress." I started at 225lbs with hair and a huge man nose... I dropped down to 170lbs (a bit higher now :) ), got full hair removal, and a rhinoplasty as my first procedures... each step was a move forward in both mental and physical health. I continued.

To be honest, I was confused when I first stated talking with you, I know you mentioned transition, but I thought you were going female to male. Wow your transformation was very impressive, I find it hard to believe that you were ever a male from your picture.
[/quote][/list][/list]

Quote from: Erika_Courtney on May 21, 2017, 10:55:05 PM
Thanks Ashley, I looked up the work wonderment, I have never heard anybody use it before, it is a cool word.

I do the same thing, look up words... even the one's I think I know just to make sure. Guess what? I looked up 'wonderment' just now to double-check and the first definition I saw in web results was not what I expected but then Merriam-Webster's site had the right one... I meant either "a cause of or occasion for wonder" or "curiosity about something" and not really the "astonishment, surprise" definition... to me, astonishment and surprise happens when you get answers stemming from wonderment-based action. LoL :D

Quote from: Erika_Courtney on May 21, 2017, 10:55:05 PM
I think my wife paid my therapist off =) of course I'm kidding.

:D

Quote from: Erika_Courtney on May 21, 2017, 10:55:05 PM
I have a 15 period of my life that I refer to the Dark Ages, I won't talk about it end of story. With the exception of my wife I have told her three stories and my therapist three stories, from that time period. That is also why I am going back for more sessions, so I can tell more of my story.

I think it's wonderful you are discussing that in therapy!

Quote from: Erika_Courtney on May 21, 2017, 10:55:05 PM
...It is kind of ironic, I finally find something I want to talk about and then my wife doesn't want to talk anymore. My wife from that faithful week has been if you don't mentioned it we consider it fully resolved end of story. To me that is just hiding from the truth....

Life is full of such ironies.

Quote from: Erika_Courtney on May 21, 2017, 10:55:05 PM
... Not even going to ask my wife about this because, our relationship is going to remain she's the woman and I am the man. ...

If you find it workable, that is a valid way of handling things.

Quote from: Erika_Courtney on May 21, 2017, 10:55:05 PM
... Maybe I hit the Powerball and the therapist pulled the idea out of my head and it will never bother me again. Even two days later, I am seeing the world in my old way. I see a woman, I don't she her shirt, I see is she physically attractive or not and my eyes move on. I walked through the ladies clothes section, I just pasted through without any thoughts on the style and color of the clothes. I touch my wife and instead of thinking how soft her skin is, I am focused on the upcoming intimacy. ...

Nobody can tell you other than yourself. Even though so many transgender individuals go through similar phases due to repression, it does not mean there are many (perhaps we don't hear from them because they don't have the courage you do, not sure)... perhaps there are many others who find resolution in the way you mention. I think you'll know over time... I think the most important thing is not to be too hard on yourself... being too hard on yourself can be a repressive factor.

I think it's good to keep in mind that having feelings and talking about them in therapy is healthy... just because a feeling arises that others might not understand, or laugh at, or you were taught is silly or something, doesn't mean it's true.

You are who you are so if you have a feeling or thought, I sort of think it's your best instrument (your life) giving you great information. I like to remember that myself... no matter the pain, fear, or happiness of a feeling, it is conveying something, it means something... maybe not a clearly logical thing, but our lives do inform us all the time... I've just needed to learn to listen better. :)

Quote from: Erika_Courtney on May 21, 2017, 10:55:05 PM
To be honest, I was confused when I first stated talking with you, I know you mentioned transition, but I thought you were going female to male. Wow your transformation was very impressive, I find it hard to believe that you were ever a male from your picture.

Okay, the check is in the mail... :D LoL ... really, I get what you're saying and that is a lovely compliment... thank you!

Cheers,
Ashley

My break from soul searching this weekend has not gone well. Changing therapy isn't an option, then my wife will wonder why all of sudden this therapist isn't good enough. I feel like she is a check the boxes therapist. My wife and I finally got a chance to talk on Saturday. I was honest with her and said that I mentioned the T word. I have been banned from saying the word transgender in the house. She asked how the conversation went and I told her the questions they asked, she asked what the therapist thought and I said she does not think I am the T word. I said she knew I was going to talk about it, because even though I said it wasn't on my mind, I have been acting differently ever since that night. She then said that she her husband finally came home. I still have issues to work on and since I have been more honest with myself I see those have some roots in my gender indentity. I will be going back in another week and half  for my next appointment.



Just a random thought I have these sad times, they randomly come and go, as randomly has I feel sad, I start feeling normal again. I struggle are those random sad times disphobia?

Quote from: Dena on May 21, 2017, 09:41:32 PM
Before you take the witness stand again, you need to do your homework.

Still a lot going on in my mind and Dena I have a few tricks up my sleeves, if I ever get put on the witness stand again.


I got outside this weekend and went to a MLB game, it was nice to have a day to myself. I also had the best thought, I don't want to spend my entire life just trying to figure out where I fit in. I remember something that I use to think of all the time in high school when I wonder who was I? The answer is simple I am ME. I might be transgender, I might be Non-Binary, I might be a hairless cat that lost its tail, all I know for certain is that I am ME. I am going to enjoy life and hopefully before my time is up I will figure it out and thanks to people like you all I know where I fit in, right here.

Not to take away from your experience. This sounds like classic dysphoria. The coming and going at odd times. See Sawing or as I used to call it "Yo-Yoing".

I have to run and you have some great folks supporting you. Just thought I would throw a couple pennies in.

With warmth,

Joanna

My Official Announcement I am Transgender!

I had been really enjoying life since my therapist told me I wasn't transgender. That came crashing down on Wednesday, I was starring at a woman's breast and she caught me looking, she smiled and laughed, I smiled back and we keep walking in different directions. I said to myself, I love being a guy and the enjoyment I get from starring at women's breast. There is one major problem with that statement, I never enjoyed starring at women's breast, I always focused my attention on another part. I realized I was staring to fake this whole guy thing again. I had not been on the board in a couple of days, so I stopped by and I think this board may be a trigger for me or it makes me confront myself. I just struggle with seeing myself as a woman, I like being a guy 95% of the time, I asked this question on the board it people miss anything about being guy, most of the responses were no. I look in the mirror and see my body hair and male parts and I have no problems with that image. I would miss a lot of thing if I wasn't a guy tomorrow morning. I don't like to carry boxes of copy paper, but it strokes my ego when my co workers ask for my help. I'm seen as the guy around work, this could be because I am the only guy in the office, but I like being seen as the guy. It's just when I look in my head that I start to struggle. I know there is girl in there, but the people closest to me say I am just imagining it. I go back to the first time I said I was transgender, there is something in my head trying to point me in the female direction, but my testosterone is pointing me in the male direction. I guess it would be a lot easier to understand if I had some burning desire to present physically as a female. Maybe I would look decent, I am curious about how I would look, but I have had multiple chances to wear a wig, breast forms, and dress head to toe in women clothes and makeup and pass on it each time. I am also fortunate that my dysphoria is mild. Maybe as if changes, my response will also need to change as well. At this point I figure trying to explain this to anyone close to me is pointless.Today is the start of my transition. I don't see it ending with sex reassignment surgery, I have been seriously researching hormone replacement, temporary dose and low dose, no plan to self medicate, there is an informed consent clinic two hours or so away. I am not sure the mental benefits, out weight the physical change potential. It is one thing to sit here thinking on testosterone, that I will stop at mental benefits, but what happens as the physical changes pile up, I will be running on estrogen.  Not to mention the minute I start taking estrogen my wife will be on to me, there is no way to explain away any physical changes, my wife is in the medical profession. It has been a busy of days few days and really late nights.

Why make a public statement? I could pass through life and nobody would think I am any different then a cis male. I want to welcome the girl part of me into my life, I want her to share my life and not just do the guys things I enjoy, but do the girly things she enjoys. I hope by making her feel a part of my life, we can be a better person, I can eliminate that 5% of me I don't like. So today I gave into one desire that I have had for years and that was to paint my nails. I went to Wal-Mart and bought what I thought was purple nail polish, it turned out to be blue. I was so nervous, I was pretending to talk on my phone getting instruction on what type to buy. When I was putting on the polish, I was so excited and I felt I was doing something so wrong that you would have thought I was robbing a bank. I then spent the next 5 minutes starring at my beautiful toes, in my mind they were beautiful. I then went about my day as normal, since I am wearing socks, nobody even knows. I am not sure how I was suppose to feel, but I just felt normal, my toes did not burn, I did not feel uncomfortable, I just felt normal. This is just the first of many girly things that I am going to finally enjoy that have always been going through my head. I always liked bright colored clothes, but thought they were to girly looking so I just wore dark guy looking colors. I can see how I have been running from this girl part of me all my life. I am not ashamed of my girly side anymore, I am ready to embrace her.




Acknowledgement, according to my therapist and wife, I am not transgender because I don't want a vagina. I think the members of this board are better suited to give an opinion on whether someone is on the transgender spectrum, then a box checker therapist. 

"Not wanting a vagina" isn't a signal of not being transgender, pardon me but this therapist sounds like an idiot. Ok I don't want to be too harsh, let's just say they're definitely untrained to deal with transgender people.

Being transgender means you want to express or live as a different gender than the one you were assigned at birth, and what that means for each person is completely different. There's trans people who don't like their genitals, there's some that don't care for them, there's some who love them, there's a lot of girls that don't want SRS and they're as transgender as the ones who do get it.

You're completely right, there's a trans spectrum and you just need to find out where you are in it and what you want to do about it. I would advice you to get a therapist who actually knows what they're talking about though.

Quote from: Charlie Nicki on May 30, 2017, 09:47:35 AM
"Ok I  I would advice you to get a therapist who actually knows what they're talking about though.

Unfortunately this is the closet therapist although they came highly recommended, I did not have the highest opinion of them after my second appointment. I was kind of surprised they wanted to schedule me for another visit. They do not lack for business, as getting into to see them the first time was weeks from my call and any follow appointments are nearly two weeks out. After my last appointment yesterday, things make a little more sense. Before I told them I was transgender, I already said that if this true, my wife is planning on leaving me. I think my therapist goal is to not directly address the dysphoria, but help me manage the dysphoria.


I had another therapy appointment yesterday and it went really well. They asked a lot of question about my physical body, all along the lines of do you like this part or not. The answers were pretty much all a simple yes. When they were done asking question, I said really comes down to my head. I explained that in life, I feel like I have always played a role, like an actor. My current role is husband and father, when I met the woman who would become my wife, I projected to her the image of a man, a person who would protect her and her children. This is how I see my whole life, like really big play, but unlike the Hallmark Channel there are not a lot of happy endings. I have played the roles of athlete, son, student, friend, husband and father, but I sometimes wonder who am I? In my current role, I don't feel authentic, I just react to how a guy is suppose to react. As a teenager, I was playing the role of a son, the family legacy as my parents sometimes called me. There is a right way to play every role, follow the rules at home and get good grades in school, to be a good son, protect your family to be a good husband.I do know that being a guy is really easy. People have a low expectation for you, you can be presentable in 15 minutes, clothes just have one shirt and one pair of pants on, you only have to shave your face, even that is optional, you don't have to emotional, lack of emotion is considered normal and so may other things. I am really good at the lack of emotion part, I want to feel more emotions, but whenever I go to access them, I get a blank other then happiness or anger. I went on to explain, that part of being anger is the inability to express how I truly feel. I want to be sad and cry, I just can't force them out. I know the emotion is in their, I just can't express it. I get frustrated and that only increases my anger. I know if I don't get this anger thing under control, it is going to cost me my marriage. I want to change, but I feel this fighting back inside my head. The actor is trying to balance all this. I want to open up and tell my wife, but at this point, I am afraid to open up and show anything else to my wife. Especially since that night I came out to her, we have barely talked since. My therapist said lets first explore those feeling together, then why don't you have your wife come to an appointment, and the three of us will talk and I said I would like that.


After I got home I took a walk, to clear my head. I really felt that the appointment went well. I felt I was able to get my point across. Even before the appointment the last three days had been very liberating. I went shopping and picked up some new shirts, bright colors, that in the past I would have never admitted to wanting to wear. I realize I am happy now, but am I going in the right direction with my life. I see a girl in my head, just not on the outside.


As the night turned to early morning, I had dreamed and gendered myself female. The dream validated I was heading in the right direction, I am transgender and deep inside part of me is a woman.


Within 12 hours, I felt that my therapist listened to my feeling and understands that something is there and my mind has validated me by gendering me female in a dream.

I had a fight with my wife last night. She was upset because the shower was clogged and said if you won't fix it, call a plumber. I explained I removed the hair that was clogging it a few weeks ago, and she was like well it's clogged again. I am sorry, I must be shedding, guys have lot of body hair, if you would like I will shave it? She responded if I don't have to take a bath in the shower, then go ahead. I instantly realized how often does a fight offer such a golden opportunity. She went to bed and I went to work and did some body shaving before she changed her mind. I keep it simple for this first time, I left my legs and arms untouched. It kind of feels weird to not have any chest or armpit hair, I also swear my man breast looked bigger this morning than yesterday, maybe it is just that there is no hair to cover them up. Their size has come up in discuss before and my wife claims, I would not fit a training bra.


Every since my dream Tuesday Morning, it has been a crappy week. I have been having a dysphoria spell and have only been managing to get a few hours of sleep in each night. I have had tons of thoughts going through my mind. Sorry SailorMars you picked a bad week to ask me a question. I hope I answered your questions and probably more then you bargained for.

Just a suggestion, if hair clogging the drain is a problem, you can get a drain filter to catch the hair.
https://www.google.ca/search?q=drain+filter&ie=UTF-8&gws_rd=cr&ei=N2AxWb74C-uKjwSP2KOIDA (https://www.google.ca/search?q=drain+filter&ie=UTF-8&gws_rd=cr&ei=N2AxWb74C-uKjwSP2KOIDA)

After my last post it hit me, I have been so busy focusing on myself that I had been neglecting my wife. Things have turned around and I have given her the guy attention she deserves, we are both happy at this point.

I am in the process of ending my relationship with my therapist. At our sessions this week, I had a really great moment. I am not a very emotional person and I was opening up the flood gates on my feelings and she interrupted me, to tell me about some book from the 1970's and how back then you did not talk about gender and sex related topics in public, but this book talked about male on male and female on female interactions. She then went on to say I should write a book about how I see relationships and gender identity. My response was I could give it a try. After that, I was just ready to leave. I ended up sitting there listening to her talk for another 5 minutes, then she was like it looks like our sessions is over, when shall we meet again?

I then pulled the typical guy break up with my therapist. Therapist can you come in next Thursday, my response, I am really busy next week. Therapist how about the next Monday, my response, I am really busy that week to, but I will call you that Tuesday about a date. Therapist you forgot my card with my number on it, my response oh yes I will need that. I am leaving there thinking, I am never calling you again.

I will call her back.

This is the most surprising part, when I told my wife what happened and that I did not want to go back, so was okay with it. I explained how she interrupted me a couple of weeks ago, and we got off topic, but I let it go because the sessions had some good points. I see no positive in the sessions.

Gender Therapist are really hard to find, any thoughts on using a Psychologist? (I feel at this point I want to continue therapy for my own person well-being.) If Gender Identity stuff comes up fine, but I am at least comfortable with who I am at the moment.

If the Psychologist is properly trained and is taking you where you want to go, there is no problem using one. The issue that sometimes occurs is that the Psychologist lacks the proper training and you are not getting what you need from the visits. Gender therapist have the advantage that their training is in their title where as you may need to dig a bit deeper to figure out if a Psychologist is what you need.

Quote from: Erika_Courtney on June 10, 2017, 07:31:44 PM
Gender Therapist are really hard to find, any thoughts on using a Psychologist? (I feel at this point I want to continue therapy for my own person well-being.) If Gender Identity stuff comes up fine, but I am at least comfortable with who I am at the moment.

Give it a try, my gender therapist is a clinical psychologist who specializes in gender identity, he's also trans so you can try and fin what's out there.

This is a wonderful thread that I hope will help others in addition to Erica navigate these difficult waters.

I am sorry to hear of you difficulties with your therapist.  For what it's worth, I struggled choosing a therapist as do many others you will encounter here.  My observation was that there are clearly some who see anyone who presents with any transgender urges as needing to transition in large extent--HRT, social transition, various surgical measures to varying extent facilitating transition.  Others, usually less familiar with gender issues, seemed eager to conclude that the symptoms stem from larger general adjustment issues to be treated as such and not taken seriously as a potential need to be addressed as needing dysphoria relieving management including transition.  Probably most are somewhere in the rational middle ground betweeen these two poles.

Most therapists will offer an initial call or brief visit, usually without charge to briefly discuss the issues at hand and to allow you to get a better idea of his or her approach, orientation and personality.  Take advantage of this, it can save much disappointment later.

Based on my own experience with a PhD level therapist who does a variety of psychtherapeutic modalities including analysis and certain Jungian-based therapies as well as the common cognitive-behavioral therapy and has extensive experience with gender issues,  I think there is much to be said for going with a therapist who is not a "one trick pony."  I had a number of problems I needed to work through which were variously intertwined with my gender issues.  He very skillfully untangled the mess, helped me gain perspective and resolve a number of problems I'd been struggling with for years in next to no time.  From there, I was left with making sense of my MtF ->-bleeped-<- and dysphoria.  With his help, I fully embrace the fact  that my internal milieu is largely wired using the female blueprint, but have come to terms with my current life situation and decided  not to transition.  Dysphoria is no longer a substantial problem for me; whether that will be the case permanently  into  the future is anyone's guess.

I would not have done well with a therapist that was of the mindset to put me on he tract to HRT and full transition. At my lowest point when miserable with dysphoria, I would have probably done just about anything to find relief.  I had come very close to starting HRT and (ironically) was afraid to do so because I was confident that it would work!  This was not some sort of internalized transphobia at work.  I wanted to be sure I had the complicated mess that was my psyche at the time cleaned up first before simply defaulting to the HRT option. 

I was quite certain that if I took this route early on, I'd find it difficult to objectively make decisions concerning the question of transition, having essentially made the commitment to do so.  While it is certainly possible to discontinue HRT once started, knowing my own mind and how I felt, the die would have been cast.  In retrospect, I am glad I took the alternative route of holding off on delving into the transition waters until looming issues were better clarified, grateful to my therapist for guiding me through this difficult time.

Some are very clear in their objectives, mainly need someone to test the veracity of their commitment to transition and help guide them through the process.  There are numerous threads on this site that chronicle such transitions and the guiding hand played by the therapist in this setting.  Ashley's comments are pure gold.  Transition comes with variations and subtleties as numerous as those who face the question of transition.

Dena makes an important point as well.  You might not be simply MtF but non-binary.  Work through these subtleties of your transgender situation with a therapist you trust to look at the big picture.

Quote from: Steph Eigen on June 13, 2017, 04:53:12 PM

Dena makes an important point as well.  You might not be simply MtF but non-binary. 

Thanks for the really informative post. I am coming to terms with the idea that I am non-binary. I struggle because I am not sure I accept non-binary to be a real option. Of course 18 months ago I didn't think a male could become a female. Then the term transgender came into my life. You can start throwing you tomatoes now, but you might want to save some for later in the post.

Right now I am happy and sad. Things were going good one night, I was posting on this sight and just having a good day. Then something happened, like a light switch, I felt a change in my feelings. I came on this site and started reading some post, I felt like I should response, but had to clue what to write. The emotion that I felt a few hours ago was gone. I was an emotionless guy again and since that night I have struggle to express emotion or make a connection with others.

I am struggling right now to even write this post. There is more information I should include, but I don't want to get into my feelings.

I am staring to see the two sides of me. The girl side that is in touch with their feelings and the guy side that wants nothing to do with their feelings.

I have been happy in guy mode these last weeks.

What makes me sad is how differently I feel or don't feel while in guy mode. I have wanted to response to so many post, but I have no clue what to say. I should feel insert happy or sad for person x, but instead it is more of an indifference.

No tomato throwing from me. The non binary can be the most difficult to live with. Some remain their birth gender, some do a partial transition and some do a full transition. Take your time and continue to explore your feelings and ask questions when you know what to ask. That is what this site is for and whatever you decide, you still fit in here.

I have not been sleeping very much and thought maybe writing my rambling thoughts would help me sleep.

Disphobia has been hitting pretty hard this week. I thought knowing what the problem was would make it easier to deal with, instead knowing seems to make it worse. I am not proud of myself, I hijacked another user post for a rant, which after a few minutes, I came to my sense and deleted my post.

VERY IMPORTANT DISCLAIMER:
(I am not talking about you or anybody else on this site. I am only talking about how I feel about me.)

I thought I would be off this site by now. Instead the writing on the wall seems to be getting clearer. I am physically the same person who found this site, but mentally I am not the same person. I would have rather had every hair on my body pulled out, then ever think of taking hormones. Now I am figuring out which effects of hormones, I would like vs which ones I can tolerate vs then ones I would never want. I tell myself it is only for the mental effects. Then I sit and feel this wave of shame come over me. How can I do this to my child? How can I do this to my wife? I made a promise as a man to be there for them always and in exchange they gave me their love. I never want my child or wife to see me as a female. Okay so science says this is not my fault, I was just born this way and I am moving toward the way I suppose to be from day one. I still have free will, I don't have to choose my happiness over their happiness. I see the person I am in the mirror, the anger, the temper, how can this really be a better life for them? Then the temptation comes, start estrogen without telling them and wait until you have been on it a couple of months or a year and when they like the changes, you tell them the truth. Are you happy that your husband no longer has these adult temper tantrum? This is made possible by him being on estrogen. I would start now creating a pre transition stealth mode. I would hide the change on estrogen, but making them now before I start estrogen. I would also have to have some ground rules. I start estrogen, no wearing woman's clothes, no makeup and hair cut in guy style only. If physical changes get to noticeable you have to stop. It does not feel right from the beginning, if I can't be honest with the ones I love how can I be honest with myself? The answer is simple, I am not being honest with myself.

I decide to try the open conversation path. I got the nerve to discuss hormones again with my wife. I started to explain I just feel that something is wrong with my hormones. I was initially surprised that she responded I figured out that you probably had some hormone imbalance years ago, she went on to say low T is nothing to be ashamed of. Then she started to encourage me to tell my primary care and they could get my a script for testosterone. I get the impression, she has been thinking about this for years. I remember reading a post on here from a user who tried testosterone and it does not work to help disphobia, it makes it worse. I did some research on testosterone and I came back to her today. I explain, I don't mind my current body hair, but I don't want to grow anymore. She said just removed, it is just hair. Okay I can deal with the hair, but there is a possibly of breast growth, I don't want my breast any bigger. A lot of guys take testosterone and don't grow huge breast, just relax. I realized at this point I am never going to win this argument, so I am trying to find the silver lining. So I could take steps to start testosterone and try it for insert any amount of time, then just switch to estrogen. If I start getting a little breast growth, I blame the testosterone. Another road, I start taking testosterone and get really freaked out, I could go to her and be like testosterone is making my body go crazy, it is basically rejecting the additional testosterone, maybe I need to try a different hormone.

How do I see myself in 5 years now? I still see myself identifying as male. I will be happy to have rediscovered my lost emotions. My appearance will be more of a feminine. The breast growth will brother me, I'll just have to keep my shirt on. I will like the softer skin and now as I am think about what I am about to write I am getting euphoric inside when I think about how my face will look.

Hi Erika

I have been reading this thread through from the beginning and in each of your posts over the last few weeks or so, I see a deeply unhappy person slowly but surely battling their way through all the questions and by the sound of it, answering some of the important ones but also just as importantly making progress.

Quote from: Erika_Courtney on June 25, 2017, 11:30:43 PM
VERY IMPORTANT DISCLAIMER:
(I am not talking about you or anybody else on this site. I am only talking about how I feel about me.)

QuoteNow I am figuring out which effects of hormones, I would like vs which ones I can tolerate vs then ones I would never want. I tell myself it is only for the mental effects. Then I sit and feel this wave of shame come over me. How can I do this to my child? How can I do this to my wife? I made a promise as a man to be there for them always and in exchange they gave me their love. I never want my child or wife to see me as a female.
Okay so science says this is not my fault, I was just born this way and I am moving toward the way I suppose to be from day one.

You are not doing anything to anyone and why is it you don't ever want your wife and child to see that real part of you? Do you think they deserve "Adult temper tantrum" or the real you warts and all? You are doing something for your family that most people can't and won't do...you are putting them ahead of your needs but to the determent of your health. 

QuoteI still have free will, I don't have to choose my happiness over their happiness. I see the person I am in the mirror, the anger, the temper, how can this really be a better life for them?

No you do not have to put yours over theirs...but why should theirs be over yours? Is it really free will...it you are prescribed a medication to cure your infection you can take or not take the medicine, Most would not see it as a choice or free will because dying is not seen as good outcome for an infection.

QuoteThen the temptation comes, start estrogen without telling them and wait until you have been on it a couple of months or a year and when they like the changes, you tell them the truth. Are you happy that your husband no longer has these adult temper tantrum? This is made possible by him being on estrogen. I would start now creating a pre transition stealth mode. I would hide the change on estrogen, but making them now before I start estrogen. I would also have to have some ground rules. I start estrogen, no wearing woman's clothes, no makeup and hair cut in guy style only. If physical changes get to noticeable you have to stop.

If you are ever going to have a chance of getting through this with your family intact, can I suggest that honesty is a better strategy. Lets say it plays out the way you just said. By about 3 months you may well be struggling to get an erection and you can bet your nipples will be sensitive, you moods may well have gone past evening out and you may well be a bit more emotional that you bargained for.  When the physical changes happen you are going to stop? What if you can't? What if that restriction wasn't there? Have you ever worn a skirt and heels? or a dress or something really femme apart from in caricature mode?

and this is bang on

QuoteIt does not feel right from the beginning, if I can't be honest with the ones I love how can I be honest with myself? The answer is simple, I am not being honest with myself.

QuoteI remember reading a post on here from a user who tried testosterone and it does not work to help disphobia, it makes it worse.

I was given two injections (1 month apart)of Testosterone and after the second one I just about went crazy, It was like someone turned my GD (gender Dysphoria) switch round to past full on...it was just a horror show...no one wanted to be around me, I could not even hold down a reasonable conversation, I was constantly agitated and getting so angry...after the second shot I couldn't stand it anymore which  was in part what forced me out. I had thought that maybe a shot of T would "fix that trans stuff right up" (I had low T for a long time at this stage) it was kind of a last ditch effort...if this don't work nothing is going to. I am a lost cause...

QuoteSo I could take steps to start testosterone and try it for insert any amount of time, then just switch to oestrogen. If I start getting a little breast growth, I blame the testosterone. Another road, I start taking testosterone and get really freaked out, I could go to her and be like testosterone is making my body go crazy, it is basically rejecting the additional testosterone, maybe I need to try a different hormone.

You will not grow breast tissue taking Testosterone...you will if you take E though...unless there is something I am missing about T, It may give bigger muscle mass but not actual breast tissue which is very different. With E you will start off and develop pointy (think Madonna) shape with which is quite distinct...no mixing that up for muscle.

QuoteHow do I see myself in 5 years now? I still see myself identifying as male. I will be happy to have rediscovered my lost emotions. My appearance will be more of a feminine. The breast growth will brother me, I'll just have to keep my shirt on. I will like the softer skin and now as I am think about what I am about to write I am getting euphoric inside when I think about how my face will look.

Did I mention how the E may slowly change the way you think and feel? It will change you and from what you have said, probably in ways you really want. As to how much well as they say YMMV (Your mileage may vary) I guess for you like many of us we do not want to see the end of our relationships. Mine is still intact. We have been together for a long time and she is sticking by me. I seriously had my doubts she would stay once I told her I had to transition. But she has and will there holding my hand when ever I need her. I don't know what the future holds for us I know I love her as much as she loves me. Our relationship has changed but that was going to have to happen anyway and the relationship is still changing the further into transition I go.

After many years of struggle and two other attempts to transition I finally decided this will be my last.... You get one shot at this life and it is too dam short to be unhappy....I choose Love, I choose life...How about you? :)

Hi Erika. First of all, you are transgender. It's a very inclusive word, it includes both cross dressers and transsexuals.

Second - maybe you shouldn't push your transgenderness on your wife every time you talk to her. Give it some break, do more by helping her with her chores when you can (but do all of yours too). You want to play both genders, you might work twice as hard.

I am surprised your wife isn't opposed to the idea of your dressing, but doesn't want to let you be around the house in a dress. I think it gets boring to do it inside your room alone only. You can do what I did in that situation - take crossdressing outside the house (into the public). I doubt your wife will be happy about it, but just go to safe places. I think you might try to negotiate little things, such as replacing your male panties with female, shaving your body hair (the body hair grows so fast - you'll have to shave every other day for the rest of your life). And so on, as you said - coming out was the first of many steps.

Just don't become obsessed with trans-things 100% of your life. I know you waited for 7 years to come out, but look your wife knows about such things for only a month or so? Give her some time to get used to the idea, and sort it out for herself.


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Third... I think it's a tough balancing act. Your wife wants the whole thing disappear. You cannot take it back (and even if you could - would you?, those thoughts that had forced you to tell your wife, they wouldn't go away).

She will push you to hide it - thus 'no dresses at home', I bet she won't be ok if you say - ok, I'll go out in public :) She will threaten you with a divorce and you might even get used to the idea.

At the same time, you will want for more and more freedom to express and explore yourself until you find where a satisfying routine for you (imposed by your own desires and limitations, not those forced on you by her).

I am in a similar boat, so I am not sure I have any real advice for you. But give it some time, and keep talking to your wife and don't forget about yourself either


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Hi Erika_Courtney,

I just read through the posts you've made on this thread, and I can't describe how it makes me feel.  Perhaps, although I am in such a different situation, it could be empathy. 

I love so much how brazen you are in your posts, taking the thoughts and feelings and pouring them out here.  This is one of the most genuine experiences, trans or not, that I've ever seen.  At the start of my transition, I was out as a gay guy, short and small, with little body hair, and single.  People tell me I'm "brave" (which I have issues with on its own), but you blow my endeavor out of the water.  This isn't putting myself down but, rather, letting you know the even if you don't see it, you are a beautiful and wonderful person.  Please, do not ever forget that, even in your darkest moments, you are seeking your light, regardless of where it takes you.

As to trying to start in small ways to explore slowly, have you thought about hair removal outside of shaving?  I don't know your financial situation, but I am in the midst of getting rid of facial hair, which started with a package of six IPL (a form of laser hair reduction) sessions for $500, and that covered my entire face and neck.  It didn't get rid of the hair, but it became sparser, grew at a slower rate after I shaved, and my skin looked and felt amazing (the IPL is the same as a Photofacial, which is pretty hot in the skin care sector right now).  You could even start with your chest or underarms, just to experience the start of the process, how the area feels compared to hairier spots.  And it wouldn't need to involve hiding or feeling shameful, because if your wife is already okay with shaving hair off, you could say that it would lessen the need for it, the amount of hair, cost of razors, etc.  And she could know that the hair won't be gone, so it's wouldn't be as though you'd come home bare in a random spot.

I also know about the dichotomy of gender within my head.  Before starting hormones, I analyzed it CONSTANTLY.  I would look at one thing and think "yeah, I'm a girl" and then minutes later would be like "wait, no, maybe not."  I went back and forth for months.  I had a doc appt in April, where I was planning on starting only on Spironolactone, just to bring testosterone levels down without adding any estrogen.  I walked out of there with both, and haven't looked back.  I have occasional doubts, largely because I do have habit of finding something I like and diving into it.  But this is different, and the Estrogen has been changing my head so much.  I can remove myself from my anxiety, whereas I used to feel helpless and get swept up in it for hours on end.  I finally am learning to love myself for the first time ever, whereas I'd always had some qualifier of a bad thing about myself when receiving compliments.  It made me undatable, I lost friends, and estranged myself from family for a while.  Things are finally getting better by the day. 

But I don't want to detract from the reason I'm posting this reply.  You are here, and that is a much bigger step than you might realize.  You haven't deleted your account, you haven't completely shut off from it.  Taking breaks and feeling emotionless for periods of time is not at all negative, so long as you don't let it cut you off from the other side of you completely.  In keeping this open, and in writing such authentic posts about where you are at on a given day, you are acknowledging this part of you that was neglected for so long.  It's awkward, and stiff, and throws all of your usual thoughts and feelings out of whack.  That just might mean it's what you need.

Much love,
Aria

Quote from: ElizabethK on June 26, 2017, 04:58:14 AM
why is it you don't ever want your wife and child to see that real part of you?

I have dated a bunch of girls and if you want to get technical about how I lived my life prior to understanding this whole gender indent thing, I probably identified more female then male during that time period. I don't remember ever having a burning desire to be their man. Then a met this girl that flipped my world upside down, I wanted to be her man and now I am her husband. When she looks at me I want to see the same man she fell in love. I want my child to grow up having a father, someone that they know is their protector.

Quote from: ElizabethK on June 26, 2017, 04:58:14 AM
No you do not have to put yours over theirs...but why should theirs be over yours? Is it really free will...it you are prescribed a medication to cure your infection you can take or not take the medicine, Most would not see it as a choice or free will because dying is not seen as good outcome for an infection.

There is a big difference between treating and infection and going back to your old self, then completing changing your hormone levels and changing your physical appearance.

Quote from: ElizabethK on June 26, 2017, 04:58:14 AM
When the physical changes happen you are going to stop? What if you can't? 

I have to stop. I figured I would write a letter from my current self to my future self. Reminding me that if I continue my wife will leave me and take my child and I will lose the two loves of my life. Also my professional career will be over since I work in a very unsupportive work place, it has a really nice retirement package. I only currently the only guy at my job, which makes going to the bathroom really easy. My co-workers think transgender women are just men in dresses going to the ladies room to assault them. My boss, she thinks that transgender people convert normal people into other transgender people.

If I cannot stop then I have plan. I will create a fake mistress and get caught texting and sharing photo was her. My wife will be upset, I will come clean and say I love this woman and want to be with her. My wofe divorces me and takes out kid. I live in a small red state town, so news travels like wild fire. My parents find out what I did and disown me. I know leave town and move far away to be with my fake mistress only to really become Erika.

Quote from: ElizabethK on June 26, 2017, 04:58:14 AM
Have you ever worn a skirt and heels? or a dress or something really femme apart from in caricature mode? 

When I was alone in the house I tried on a woman's top, jeans, bra, female panties and make up. I purchase a wig and breast forms, but have had zero motivation to wear them. I learned a had a lot more body hair then I ever saw wearing my men's clothes. My lips looked like the Joker from the Batman animated series and my eye shadow looked like I lost a fight. I was trying to be serious with my makeup, it just turned out really bad I haven't tried again since.

Quote from: ElizabethK on June 26, 2017, 04:58:14 AM
Did I mention how the E may slowly change the way you think and feel? It will change you and from what you have said, probably in ways you really want. 

I know that if I had a time machine, I would travel back 15 years, I would find my past self and hand them an information book on transgender. When I got back to the future I know would be a full transitioned transgender woman. I just don't know if that would make me as happy as my child's smile. They say you can't make a transition choice based on how you felt in the past, because the present offer us a different view and I have to agree. My ship may have sailed.

Quote from: elkie-t on June 26, 2017, 07:09:23 AM
You cannot take it back (and even if you could - would you?, those thoughts that had forced you to tell your wife, they wouldn't go away).

I would take it back so I could better understand it for myself first then present it to her. During our talks post coming out I remember talking about how I thought I was gender indifference, which I had to idea what that meant at the time, that was just the way I felt. Now I could have come out as non binary.

As far as dressing female, I have no motivation other then that one time, maybe this will change. My wife has never seen me in female clothes and I sure if she did it would not end well for me.

As far as being female around the house, my wife did say anytime I want to wash the dishes, do laundry or vacuum, I am more then welcomed to be female.  I will take staying male and doing the male chores. Although chores aren't divided based on gender.

As far as female panties go, I tired them once and NEVER again. I am sticking to with my Wal-Mart male boxers.

Quote from: ds1987 on June 26, 2017, 08:52:01 AM
I love so much how brazen you are in your posts, taking the thoughts and feelings and pouring them out here.  This is one of the most genuine experiences, trans or not, that I've ever seen.

I would really like to be the not.

Quote from: ds1987 on June 26, 2017, 08:52:01 AM
As to trying to start in small ways to explore slowly, have you thought about hair removal outside of shaving?

I say I want to try and do more girly thinks, but I never have the motivation. As much as shaving my face everyday bothers me, at the same time I like having the hair to shave. It reminds me that I am still a guy. My wife has even suggested that I get laser done.

Honest I struggle doing anything that could be seen as girly. My guy side is really stubborn. Today it is laser the face, then the back, when does it stop? When I wake up looking like a woman one morning? There was a point I didn't care if I woke up a male or female. I thought I would still be the same person, but I am staring to realize I won't be he same person.

If you decided to make a drinking game out of how many times I have mentioned I have no motivation to cross dress, you probably would be past out drunk before you finished reading the posts.

This has been on my mind all morning. I was getting dresses in the closet that I share with my wife and I was pulling out a shirt, after I got it off the hanger I realized it was my wife's shirt. No big deal it got mixed in with my shirts, but I just didn't want to put it down. It is hard for me to say this, but I wanted to put it on. I took a deep breath, closed my eyes and I said I can't deal with this now and put the shirt down.

I keep saying I have no motivation to cross dress, but maybe the truth is I am just suppressing the desire. It is like the carrot and the stick, the carrot is my guy reward for guy behavior, the stick is going to bed without my reward. I am chasing the carrot because I want to the carrot, but if there was no carrot I would be more open about how I feel and be more willing to fulfill my personal desires.

Your morning post seemed a bit of a denial :) Would you had no desire to cross the gender lines - why bother posting here about lack of those ;)



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What has been going on in my head stems partly from your post the other day. I thought I understood it, but the more I think about it, I think I missed a big piont. I'm living on the fence, between guy and girl, I need to pick a side. All signs point to me being happier on the girls team. I have been focusing on my lack of motivation to retaining my guy team membership.

I was calling myself out for trying to use lack motivation and treating it the same as lack of desire.

If I am being honest with myself, yes I wanted to put it on. I am not proud about having this desire to cross dress. I am just afraid of what happens next.

It all comes down to that, I am affraid of what happens next.
That includes hair removal, makeup and clothes.

If it goes to far I am going to wake up looking like a woman someday. Somebody is going to walk by me and say hi mama.

Quote from: Erika_Courtney on June 27, 2017, 01:20:28 PM
What has been going on in my head stems partly from your post the other day. I thought I understood it, but the more I think about it, I think I missed a big piont. I'm living on the fence, between guy and girl, I need to pick a side. All signs point to me being happier on the girls team. I have been focusing on my lack of motivation to retaining my guy team membership.

You don't have to pick a team right away. You can cross the lines forever and ever, especially if you do it discreetly inside your home, or far enough from it :)

I spent the last three days purging my web search history and bookmarks, hoping to get away for awhile. Do I need to tell you how successful I have been? I am being held accountable for my thoughts and feeling and well that is starting to get into the way of the lies I keep telling myself. You know who you are so please stop.

I should have a new therapist really soon , I just need to end the game of phone tag.

Honestly, I am tried of looking back 20 even 30 years and trying to figure out what was I thinking. Why was I always attracted to girls? Simple they looked cute when I was younger and got hotter as I got older. Why have I never felt the need to be accepted by guys? Zero interesting in dating them so why waste my time. I tell myself to focus on present day.  Honestly the idea of being transgender a couple of months ago scared me, I could not imagine a worse label being put on me. Now it seems like everyday I feel less afraid and more ready to embrace being transgender. I also have started to see through the lies that I have been telling myself. I know why I drew a line in the sand, if I cross this line I don't think I will ever be able to come back. I have wanted to dress female for weeks, I tell myself the lie, if I don't dress female, then I am not as transgender as other people and this all just a mental thing. When the day comes, I can go to my wife and tell her this. I know some people bring there wives along slowly. For me I see it more like, I tell her I am going to start to transition to a female mentally. I know there will be physical changes, they are not so much what I am after. At this point I still think of myself as a male and probably also will. I just can't make any promises because I don't know how estrogen will change me mentally in the long term. You are welcome to leave now or any point in the future. I would love to still be your husband, but I understand and respect your choice to leave.

Here are the FACTS that keep me from going down the estrogen road.
I could have double D breast, a brand new 2018 model year vagina, but take away one pill and I would be right back to being a male. My head just needs to understand, that it needs to get with the program, because it is living in a male body. I am a long way for accepting myself as female.

I thought I was scared about taking estrogen, this idea is even crazier, I have been considering testosterone replacement, which could turn into a nightmare, serious it will probably turn me into the hulk. Once I pass a physical, I am going for it. I know that is crazy talk, its probably going to send my disphobia into hyper drive. Here is were the logic comes in, it may be the easiest way to test my disphobia. It could take months for estrogen, to build up in my system and get to the point where it has some impact. Testosterone, it is already in the tank, I am just going to add more to increase the engine power. There is a chance that some extra T, will increases my energy and will pick up my mood. Of course it might turn me into a muscle monster that will destroy high rise building, I'm thinking Wolfman from the arcade game Rampage. So if you see a wolf like monster in your city, climbing buildings, wave.

Most important, the number one thing in my world is my family. My wife wants me try to testosterone and I am curios as to what would happen if I was running on full. I owe it to myself before I make any life altering changes, to know that I did everything I could stay a man.

Good luck I hope you get a positive result. I went onto injectable T for 3 shots as a last ditch attempt to cure myself as my T was running fairly low. For me it didn't work and was an extremely unpleasant time for not just me but my whole family as I went past "macho" and on to, toxic.

I hope you have a better experience

I spent an hour writing my last post, then during a final reading before posting, I deleted three quarters of it. To sum of what was deleted, words may not be able to show the reader the anger I am feeling toward myself. I just can't seem to walk away anymore, it was that time that allowed me to keep a distance between this online life and real life. I am scared of how the line between the posters here and I have disappeared.


The truth is I am a broken man, despite all my man short coming, I have a wonderful wife that still loves me. After six months of being unable to get her pregnant, because a certain man part of me refuses to work right, she still loves me. She is willing to endure what ever effects testosterone has on me, including possible increased temper/anger, because she believes that it will make me happy me. Even thought we have not touched in bed for weeks, last night she held me in her arms, and I felt so comfortable and for the first time in my life I fell asleep in her arms. Tonight she asked me on a date for his and hers laser hair removal. Her recent support, should make me feel better, but she is supporting me the man, and it makes what might happen in the end hurt even more.

The reason I did this. I have a new therapist and see them for the first time on Tuesday. Ever since I came out, I have wondered what it would feel like presenting female, with two thoughts, it I like it then that answered the question as yes, if I don't like it then probably closer to guy. There are a lot of things I want to work on in therapy and would rather gender identity not come up for awhile if at all.


Let me set the scene, it was Monday and I had a night to myself. I wanted to play my favorite game, Pokémon Go. The best place to play Pokémon Go in the area is very popular with homosexual men. I had an idea, go out as Erika, I won't get hit on. I will admitted getting dressed was exciting, the thrill of doing something that you know is wrong and getting caught would get you in serious trouble. Looking in the mirror, I think I looked decent. The excitement stopped after that. The wig I wore was about down to my shoulders, but it covered my neck and made my neck hot. I could not even drink a soda without hair falling into my face. When the wind blew my hair went everywhere and that was just annoying. After a few hours the bra stared hurting. One positive was that I did not get hit on the entire evening, honestly I felt invisible. I also caught some really good Pokémon. I don't know what it was suppose to feel, but I thought it would feel different. I don't have any plans to go out again dressed as Erika.


I woke up the next day and after having being stuck in female mode with no end in site, and I was back in guy mode. I have also become allergic to shirts. I have never been the type of guy to go shirtless, but for some reason, I just can't get comfortable with a shirt on.

Maybe your wig wasn't good? I actually don't like in general and prefer to wear a headscarf (and if someone would think I'm Muslim or religious Jewish, I don't care). But I happened to buy one wig that was comfortable enough for long stretches of time (and it was not expensive one). I think hairstyle, length as well as hair cup design makes a lot of difference.

Some bras are less comfortable than others too.

In general, all of us want to start somewhere and think beauty in mind, but after a few outings we switch the goal to comfort.

Why do I write you this? Well, if you are cured from your gender identity thoughts forever - you won't care about my advice, and I wish you well :)


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I hate to admit it, but I have for a long time felt I would have had a better life if I were born a girl. I am 90% sure I would feel better about my life right now if I transitioned to a woman. I would miss a bunch of things about being a guy. I like making kids the old fashsion way. Before I can destroy my marriage and my family, I need to be 100% sure. That 100% mark I know is unobtainable, and as long as I can find any reason to stay a guy, I am not willing to make the next step. Maybe some day my wife will divorce me and I can live as Erika. Until that day I cherish the honor to be her husband. She is the only woman, I have ever met that made me want to be a man, now that I have a reason to be a man, I just don't want to give that up.

It's been so interesting following your story as you've packed such a lot in to a short space of time!  I'm glad you've stepped out into the world but it's a shame that this has perhaps left you more confused than ever.

I think it's important to draw a distinction between having gender dysphoria and being transgender.  Whilst it's difficult to envisage being TG without suffering from GD, the other way round is entirely possible.  Put another way, wishing with every fibre in your body that you'd been born female is not the same thing as wanting to take social and/or surgical steps to become female.  For many in this community, one leads to the other but for a proportion, myself included, it does not. 

In the past, I have crossdressed.  Even now, over three years after I quit, I can still vividly remember the sensation of putting on a pair of tights, stepping into a dress and the struggle of doing up the zip at the back, putting on a wig, stepping into a pair of heels and admiring my reflection in the mirror.  At that moment, I would have a total feeling of calm and that that was how I was meant to be.  However after a while - maybe 30 mins, maybe two hours - I was ready to change back and rejoin maledom, at least until the next time the urge to dress came along.  From reading your account, it seems that you may have experienced similar feelings.

The problem with GD is that, just when you think you've got it under control, something triggers it - a woman in the street, a successful transitioner in this community, a row with the wife to name but a few.  Yes, I envy the woman who is the embodiment of what I was trying to be in crossdressing but the likes of her are a very small population within the female gender and, more often than not, women that I see evoke an internal reaction of 'if that's what being female is, no thanks!'.

I've often wondered whether things would be different if I didn't have a wife and kids.  In all honesty, I don't really think it would.  Sure, I would probably have a stash of clothes, shoes, wigs & makeup and indulge from time to time but would I really want to transition?  In all honesty, I don't think so as, like you, I would miss a bunch of things about being a guy and I also whether the GD would switch from MtF to FtM!

So I will continue to struggle with GD and cherish what I have.  It's not always going to be easy but others are having to deal with far worse so I'm sure I'll cope.

I started this reply with the intention of giving advice but all I seem to have done is bang on about my own situation as I did earlier in the thread.  However, I hope it's of some assistance to you as you try to navigate your own path through the fog!

Quote from: aaajjj55 on July 07, 2017, 11:52:48 AM
It's been so interesting following your story as you've packed such a lot in to a short space of time!  I'm glad you've stepped out into the world but it's a shame that this has perhaps left you more confused than ever.

I would consider this my version of taking my time and going slow. I am normally a jump first, then realize I jumped into the really deep end of the pool and I have no clue how to undue this mess. I kind of joke to myself sometimes, does my guy side realize what he is pushing for? Then I tell myself when a guy does think, even if it dawns on them later there pride won't let them stop. Since I have tried to slow things down at the start, right now I am ready to start accomplishing things. Now that therapy is back up and running it is time to get an appointment with my primary care. 

Quote from: aaajjj55 on July 07, 2017, 11:52:48 AM
I think it's important to draw a distinction between having gender dysphoria and being transgender.  Whilst it's difficult to envisage being TG without suffering from GD, the other way round is entirely possible.  Put another way, wishing with every fibre in your body that you'd been born female is not the same thing as wanting to take social and/or surgical steps to become female.  For many in this community, one leads to the other but for a proportion, myself included, it does not. 

Karenk1959 in their post makes the point that this site is populated by the pro transitioning crowd. When I thought I was just a confused cis male, I thought hey if I can walk away I am normal. Weeks later I am still here so something is not common normal with me. If you are hanging around here and other transgender sites, you are probably closer to transgender then cis. I definitely feel more in the middle. If I woke up with breast and vagina tomorrow, I would be pretty shocked and would probably wish I was male again.

Quote from: aaajjj55 on July 07, 2017, 11:52:48 AM
In the past, I have crossdressed.  Even now, over three years after I quit, I can still vividly remember the sensation of putting on a pair of tights, stepping into a dress and the struggle of doing up the zip at the back, putting on a wig, stepping into a pair of heels and admiring my reflection in the mirror.  At that moment, I would have a total feeling of calm and that that was how I was meant to be.  However after a while - maybe 30 mins, maybe two hours - I was ready to change back and rejoin maledom, at least until the next time the urge to dress came along.  From reading your account, it seems that you may have experienced similar feelings.

I wore a female cut pink long sleeve shirt, a pair of women's jeans with sewed on sparkles and fancy stitching, male boxers and women's sneakers.



I found you post really informative, sometimes we give the best advice without even thinking we are giving advice.

Quote from: Erika_Courtney on July 07, 2017, 09:04:06 PM
If you are hanging around here and other transgender sites, you are probably closer to transgender then cis. I definitely feel more in the middle.

This is where I think it's important to draw a distinction between GD & TG.  I am gender dysphoric; I look at some women and feel envy, wish I was them and feel cheated that I'm not them.  As I said in my last post, when fully dressed as a female, I felt a sense of calm as if that was how things should always have been.  From time to time, the dysphoria is so bad that I do wonder about transition but that is a very transitory feeling and it soon wears off.  But not a day goes by when I don't feel some discomfort at some point.

But these feelings are a long way from the cliched 'woman trapped in a man's body'.  Medical advances with HRT, SRS, VFS, FFS now mean that it's possible to fully transition and blend into society; there are some stunning ladies who post on these forums that testify to this.  Even better, thanks to increasing tolerance, it's possible to socially transition without going through any medical procedures and, whilst tolerance is not by any means universal yet, things are getting better.  Against this background, it's completely possible for someone to transition to whatever extent they wish if they want to.  In my case, my overriding aim is to make a success of being a male rather than cross to the other side, so to speak.  So, on this basis, I would say that, in the same way I'm sure that I'm gender dysphoric, I'm sure that I'm not TG.

However, there is a conundrum.  As many in these forums will testify, there is a cure for GD - HRT.  There are any number of threads discussing this with posters saying how much calmer they felt once they had started hormone treatment.  So a low dosage of oestrogen (i.e. not a transition dose) may resolve dysphoric feelings without significant physical side effects...but, of course, the question is would it then start to weaken the emotional resistance we have to transition and leave us wanting more?  Would, even a small amount of breast growth repulse us or give a frisson of excitement?!  Then, of course, we have to face the reality that the scales are starting to tip away from the equilibrium position (just about coping with GD and family intact) so what do we do - accept the reality and the probable loss of those we hold dearest or turn round and walk back to good old dysphoria?

The answer, of course, is there is no answer!  The consolation is that others are having to deal with far worse lose-lose situations in life so, from my point of view it's a case of try to 'keep calm and carry on'.

Quote from: aaajjj55 on July 08, 2017, 05:39:24 AM
However, there is a conundrum.  As many in these forums will testify, there is a cure for GD - HRT.  There are any number of threads discussing this with posters saying how much calmer they felt once they had started hormone treatment.  So a low dosage of oestrogen (i.e. not a transition dose) may resolve dysphoric feelings without significant physical side effects...but, of course, the question is would it then start to weaken the emotional resistance we have to transition and leave us wanting more?  Would, even a small amount of breast growth repulse us or give a frisson of excitement?!  Then, of course, we have to face the reality that the scales are starting to tip away from the equilibrium position (just about coping with GD and family intact) so what do we do - accept the reality and the probable loss of those we hold dearest or turn round and walk back to good old dysphoria?

I am not on any outside hormones, but I feel differently mentally for hanging out in this board. I could never see myself ever doing anything that was girly like painting my nails or wearing female clothes. I a lot more comfortable with doing those types of things surround by transgender woman. Of course none outside the board knows I am doing these things. I am guessing that hormones do not cause you start to wear female clothes. Right now we are both writing thoughts that are coming from a brain that is running on T. Switching to E in our bodies will also switch our brain to running on E. I think you would be fool to think this would not change the way you see the world and see yourself. Seeing a female body in the mirror would make you feel more like you could be a female. You might then start wanting to present more female in real life. Looking I the mirror and seeing two large breast sticking out of your chest is not going to scream guy to you. I think the hrt makes you more comfortable with who you are mentally and the physical changes the way you want to present to the world. I was reading in then on binary section how someone who started T only to move more to the middle, is starting to think they want to be more on the male side, this is me paraphrasing. In the end will all free will.

I am basically I down to three roads going forward. Road 1 is to continue on with life as it has been with counseling and zero other changes in the future. Road 2 try testosterone replacement therapy, I have had a lot of serious guy fails over the years and maybe if was related to hormone issues. Road 3 try estrogen in a low dosage and claim until the day I die, I am still a male.

I am on pace to start walking down road 1, I have therapy lined up, I get a fresh start this week and it is going to be this is my life I have anxiety and here is what brothers me, I don't plan on dropping any big announcements.

I am stalling instead of moving towards Road 2. I have done a lot of research online about testosterone replacement therapy. A lot of the things I have read sounds like me. I have not contacted a doctor to setup a physical and then comes the convincing them that I need to be tested to see if my levels are even low. I don't like going to doctors offices. I worry about how more testosterone will effect me, it could be for the better or it could be for the worse. As comfortable as I am being a guy, I do have some discomfort with being guy, but not in a bad way. It would increase the things I like, but it may always increase the thing I don't like. I think the risk are worth the possible rewards. I have set the goal to start calling around for doctors on Monday.

Road 3 came to the front of my mind today. I don't mean this in a bad way, it is an observation and there is nothing wrong with any LGBTQI person or persons. I was reading the post from new user Nancy and one of the responses was something like your wife needs to get use to being a lesbian. Over the course of the weekend I have seen at least 100 couples, I can remember two couples that stick out from the rest because they were both lesbian couples, I can tell you their race, their body type, short or tall, I noticed them and then looked away, no starring. For the other 98 couples, I can't tell you anything about a single one. Why am I talking about this in reference to Road 3. We all know the long term effects of estrogen on the body, the human body is stupid, with the exception of the brain, it does not know if it is male or female, it just reacts to hormones. So if you start talking estrogen, your body is going to say hey we need to look female. For all I know any one of those 4 people where males on estrogen who still thought of themselves as males. My eyes clearly saw four female bodies. I can tell myself I am still a guy, but the world, they are going to see things differently. I am going to be seen as a woman and a lesbian, there is nothing wrong with being a lesbian, but before today I never saw myself becoming a lesbian. I have struggled to wrap my head around these feeling that I have been having these past months about being transgender. The writing on the wall is now the bright flashing neon sign. I wasn't going to just go quietly down this road, I'm was already going to try and hold onto my manhood until it was ripped from my cold dead hands. Now facing the prospect that I also have to come to terms and be comfortable with being a lesbian, and I would be asking my wife to do the same. I cannot say this enough, there is absolutely nothing wrong with being a lesbian, I have met a bunch and they are some of the nicest people I have met. I really need to do a lot more thinking on this. Sign says: Road Closed until further notice.

Having never been to therapy, I was not sure what to expect the first time, I met with a therapist. I went with my wife and she did most of the talking. Today was my first meeting with my new therapist and I went alone. The next 60 minutes was night and day from my first therapy experience. From the start this time around I have a clearer picture of issues I want to discuss and not just identity issues, but more I have anxiety that started here because of this. The time frame of 60 minutes is not a lot of time to cover over 30 years of life, but I was surprised how much we got to discuss. To this up coming information into context, in school because I was not as masculine as the other boys I was often teased about being gay. What surprised me the most was when the therapist mentioned, if seems that you were never socialized into the male world, I replied that so describes my life perfectly. I just never really male bonded with any guys, which in some ways I was always fine with, because I was not gay. My therapist did ask if I ever thought I was anything but heterosexual, I was like, I think I was heterosexual at 6 years old, I can remember at 12 wanting to date older girls. I never mentioned anything about feeling on the outside of the male world. I was really impressed with this comment. I also liked that before I left they set out plan for the next meeting. I don't want this to be the only thing we can talk about, if something big comes up, but it is nice to have structure.

If has been a while since I last posted, I have had two therapy appointments since my last post. I really love my new therapist, we have been really developing a great relationship. I noticed a shift in the first of the last two appointments. The focused seemed to shift towards this idea that they have that I am not my authentic self. Of course then I throw a monkey wrench into that idea, by saying what if being my authentic is not longer possible because of a wife and child, my authentic self may be different then it was 15 years ago. I was told that was not an option, it was going to be my true authentic self. I left the appointment with this feeling that they this might not be heading in the same direction I thought as I entered this appointment.

So, almost right from the start of my most recent appointment, so started talking about other clients she had. One client in particular she did not mention what their issue was, but even a blind person would have known she was talking about a person transitioning male to female. They wanted me the know that finding your authentic self can be scary. They are not just a therapist, but a friend who you can grow with you as a person. With about ten minutes left in the appointment she asked me if I knew what the term transgender meant. I told her I was familiar with the term. I am even a member of a transgender message board. She seemed surprised with that response. What have you learned from this message board, I said there are people out their that hate being a guy more then me. You got the message wrong, she said, these people have found their authentic selves and have moved away from their old selves. My prediction is that next week we are going to talk about the upcoming Solar Eclipse.

I thought all I needed was some male bonding and I would be out the door.

My next appointment is going to be really interesting. We are not going to be talking about upcoming Solar Eclipse, unless that happens to be some new term for transgender.

  Hi Erika, Laurie here. I haven't posted in this thread since way back when you first started it. I will admit to not  following it either but I have read the whole thing from start to finish today. I found following your struggle fascinating from and observers point of view. And struggle you have. Your desire not to hurt your wife and fears of losing her and your daughter are well articulated. I do understand those fears myself. I also understand the anger, self denial, insecurity, and meanness, and overcompensating in trying to be the man I could never be. In the end I lost my wife and my family. This was all before I even thought I might be transgender. I cross dressed. I have cross dressed almost all of my life so I knew I was different. I also knew it was something I could not stop having tried over and over again.
  But back to you. I empathized with all of your soul searching and denials and watched you inexorably moving inch by inch towards accepting yourself. I don't think you are completely there yet but I think you will be eventually. This new therapist sounds like the one that can really help you explore and figure out who and what you are. They have you best interest at heart. St the moment you are fighting still, fighting that internal fight virtually all of us have had to or are fighting with our feelings, not yet knowing just what it is we want. Or if we do get glimpses of what we want and who we are, we are petrified with fear over what effect it may have on our future and on our loved ones.
  I don't have those answers for you but I want to let you know I had them myself. The answers will come from you eventually as no one else can give them to you. Your therapist however will help you discover them.
  What happens from this point on is anyone's guess but I think I can see you making even more progress in your struggles for answers. You are doing well and moving in what I feel is the right direction. Be completely honest with your therapist and yourself.

I wish you all the good luck on your journey you can possibly have. I look forward to more closely following what you post from now on .

Hugs to you Erika,
   Laurie

Hi Erika

Sounds to me you are on a winner with this new therapist. I started with Testosterone and then on to the therapist, should have skipped the testosterone but hey, I felt I should. Therapy is what helped me work out what was going on for me. Having someone you can relate to is half the battle.

My therapist was as subtle as a brick, as I went to leave my third session she gave the a copy of "The Prager handbook of Transsexuality" suggesting to me that I might need to read this.

I hope you can keep moving forward and working out what is right for you. Transition is not right for everyone, but for many of us, there is no choice.

Interesting day today at therapy, I went as Erika.

If you believe my therapist, because it is not like they are going to say anything mean spirited. She was surprised to walk out into the waiting room and not see me, she thought maybe after our last session, I decided to just not come back. Then this woman asked her if she was ready for me, then she realized it was me. Again it is not like she is going to say anything mean spirited, but it made me feel nice. We got back to her office, and she said she was so happy with how I showed up today, she knew that my authentic self was sitting in front for her. I told her, I came here today to not just tell her that I want to be as open and honest as possible, but to show you how willing I am to be open and honest. I told her the truth is I always don't know what the truth is anymore, I have made up so many lies to protect myself over the years, I just don't know what the truth is anymore. I do know this, you asked why I wanted a female therapist and would I consider changing to a male therapist, the truth is I wanted a female therapist, because I'm a woman. She said she was proud to have me as a client and can't wait to get started on the road ahead. I told her I don't know what I want to do next, I am pretty certain at some point I want to get on hormones (estrogen). I am not sure if I want to socially transition and just keep living life as is. She said that in her opinion I don't look like my guy self when presenting as Erika. It was weird hearing her call me Erika. I am just sitting there thinking, she is talking about me, a real live breathing person looking at my face is calling me Erika. I told her it was so nice to sit in her office and be relaxed. I have been so tense the past two session, I figured you knew something wasn't right with me. Now I can relax because it is all out in open. It feels nice to finally be able to say I'm a woman and open up about how I feel. I asked as I was leaving can I get a hug, she gave me a hug and it was so nice, to be able to enjoy the embrace of another person. I told her as a guy, I was never really hugger, so I am really happy to be able to enjoy that hug.

Glad that you got to feel those feelings. I had those same thoughts and feelings when I first started seeing my GT. It felt amazing but also like it was an out of body experience. It was kinda tripping me out to hear the words I was saying.


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It's so interesting to see how you move from 'I have to take testosterone and forget about trans-thoughts' to going out as a female self. I hope you'll find a good balance somewhere.


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Quote from: elkie-t on August 01, 2017, 10:50:02 PM
It's so interesting to see how you move from 'I have to take testosterone and forget about trans-thoughts' to going out as a female self. I hope you'll find a good balance somewhere.

I told my therapist I realized I had two choice after last weeks session. I could continue to run from therapist to therapist, and never face the writing on the wall and keep my wife happy or I could own how I feel and build a relationship with you. If my wife knew I was here today dressed as a woman, she would leave me, it might come to that even if I was here today dressed as a man and was avoiding the writing on the wall. I really feel that I can trust you and want to build a relationship so when my life goes to hell, I have someone I can trust to support me.

Quote from: Erika_Courtney on May 21, 2017, 09:32:03 PM
I just want to thank everyone for there words of support and understanding. So it looks like you are stuck with me.

ERICA, you better stick around.
You have gotten some awesome advice so far on this thread.  Just awesome.  So good, it affected me.
While your therapist may have declared you non-TG, I don't necessarily agree.  For one thing a therapist does not diagnose dysphoria. Only you can diagnose it in yourself. 
Your dysphoria may go away for a while, but that dysphoric bitch comes back.  Maybe not today...maybe you get lucky and it goes away for a few weeks.  It's all good.  But if you are anything like me, it just hits you.  Watching TV.  Walking around the grocery store. Even at the tire store. Seeing an advertisement for a woman's item.  It hits.  You and I have no control of it.  It happens and pow, GF, we are back in the dysphoria. 
Also, consider that your therapist may be challenging you. Give you a diagnosis that you want and are desperate to hear to test your level of dysphoria.  I kinda hoped my therapist would have done same. If it hits your button then they and you are good.  Saved a lot of time, anguish and money. 
If not, your back and a lot more serious. 
So ERICA, try on the items you have bought and are on the way.  See how you feel.  Allow yourself to enjoy them.  Not how you look.  Especially, how you think you look. NOW. Feel it deep down inside you. How does it make that girl in you feel?  Does it push a button deep inside you?  Satisfy a hunger?  Make you happy like you have never felt in your life? 
That will help you decide your next step. 
And next appointment. 
And next message.
Good luck and come on back regardless of the answer.  Here we all are on a unique but similar journey.  And here there is not a right answer for all.  Only the right one for you.  And you are welcome regardless.

I went to therapy today in guy mode. My therapist asked how did I feel and I said, if felt good to be the old me again. They responded by saying, you don't seem as happy as the old me as you did as Erika. Fast forward to the end of the appointment, I asked my therapist to help me come out to my wife. We set a date for three weeks.

The entire drive home I knew I couldn't wait three weeks. I was going to tell my wife tonight. I just got done talking with her. I don't remember what I said, I was so nervous. I told her I wanted to explore being a woman, and she wanted to know what that meant. I told her I did not know where it would go, could lead to full time female mode, with hormones and a vagina or anywhere in between here and there. Next she asked where does it start, I said I don't really know, maybe I could try makeup.

Well I am out for good this time.

She did not walk out of me, so I guess we will see what happens next.

Congratulations! That is a scary and brave action. I remember doing that myself.

You could start with make up. Dressing when possible or under dressing helps some. Have you started facial hair removal? There are a lot of little things one can do to try it out. I am almost out publicly but in the mean time, I am wearing all women's clothes that are in styles similar to what I wore in drab male mode. I have been pushing to more effeminate styles lately. My wife semi-jokes with me, "So are you out at work now". However, it has been nearly two years of doing that. You can take it as slowly as you want.

If your wife is cool with it, she may have an eye for what would look good one you.

Hope your journey continues smoothly.

With warmth,

Jacqui

Quote from: Erika_Courtney on August 09, 2017, 07:57:15 PM
Well I am out for good this time.

She did not walk out of me, so I guess we will see what happens next.

I hope it works for you. A couple of things to consider -
a) don't make all the talk about your ->-bleeped-<-, find some time to tell her you love her or how her support is essential to you. Find some time to continue doing things you loved to do together.
b) don't spend all family budget on Erica, make sure it goes equally split between her and your wife.
c) make sure there's something in it for her... take some of her chores (cook/clean dishes for her, do a massage, whatever) - and continue to be on time with your male chores too (so she won't assume she will have to become a husband).
d) maintain positive attitude. Many wives are in it just because they see how much more relaxed and open we became (if you're always sulky - it's not fun to be around you).
e) never lie to your wife :) if asked directly and you don't want to tell it, just say so or plead fifth.

And remember, if she stays - you owe her a big one. How many guys would stay with their wives who would decide to transition into males?

And if she decides to leave, it's best if you can remain friends.

Quote from: Erika_Courtney on August 09, 2017, 07:57:15 PM
I went to therapy today in guy mode. My therapist asked how did I feel and I said, if felt good to be the old me again. They responded by saying, you don't seem as happy as the old me as you did as Erika. Fast forward to the end of the appointment, I asked my therapist to help me come out to my wife. We set a date for three weeks.

The entire drive home I knew I couldn't wait three weeks. I was going to tell my wife tonight. I just got done talking with her. I don't remember what I said, I was so nervous. I told her I wanted to explore being a woman, and she wanted to know what that meant. I told her I did not know where it would go, could lead to full time female mode, with hormones and a vagina or anywhere in between here and there. Next she asked where does it start, I said I don't really know, maybe I could try makeup.

Well I am out for good this time.

She did not walk out of me, so I guess we will see what happens next.

I can hear the relief in your post.

That is a huge step and can have some fairly big ramifications. I have been with my wife for 30+ years and I can only hope your wife is as supportive as mine has been.

elkie-t makes some great points and sound advice

I guess the only thing I would say is, now is the time, to love her like you have never loved her before. Think about her before you make any big decision but most of all love her.

I haven't posted in awhile, because I have been doing a lot of thinking. I went to therapy wanting to talk about some doubts, I was having about being transgender. My wife has been trying to understand and give me space to explore. It was really creepy when she gave me some of her clothes to wear. I am just really struggling with the idea of living as female for the rest of my life. Dressing like I woman is fun, but I am not sad to put guys clothes back on. I like the idea of looking pretty and there is also some part of knowing you are bucking the norm. Looking at old ladies walking down the street, makes me kind of sick to my stomach that I will look like that some day. I don't seem to mind the old man look. I tried talking to my therapist about this feelings, they wanted nothing to do with that. She would rather talk about why I wasn't dressed as Erika today, because I was much happier the day I came as Erika. I tried to explain Erika doesn't have a job, or any responsibilities, so she can be care free and do whatever she wants. What happens when Erika has a job and responsibility. I left feeling that my therapist cares more about Erika, then me and my current problems. So I dumped another therapist. So yes I am going in the opposite direction, there are just some guys things I am not ready to give up.

I think you have well articulated the concerns I have about therapy.  Wishing one had been born female is not the same as wanting to surgically, or socially, transition to a permanent female role but it's very easy to confuse the two.  In some ways, not wanting to transition can increase the dysphoria as it doesn't have a natural safety valve and these feelings, again, are very easy to confuse with a drive to transition.  The purpose of therapy is, of course, to help yo find the answers for yourself, not to tell you the answers.  However, unless one can find a very good therapist who is not scared to say 'wait a minute, are you sure?', there's a risk of a body of momentum building up that is impossible to stop (funnily enough, your first 'do you want a vagina?' thereapist was probably a lot closer to the mark than we give them credit for!).

We've seen this in the UK where there appears to be an exponential increase in the number of young children being diagnosed with GD and widespread concern that psychologists are being too quick to jump on the trans bandwagon (and, in some cases, villifying parents who question their diagnosis).

I am in a similar position to you on this and I applaud you for having the guts to take time out to marshall your thoughts.  Like you, I have experienced the total joy and feeling of calm when dressed as my ideal woman but there's a huge gulf between an hour or two of living the dream and taking steps towards permanent change.  For many, permanent change is the right answer but it's not for everyone and I do worry that many professionals either miss or ignore that point.

I keep saying I need to post something to get these thoughts out of my head, then I log off and go to bed without writing anything. I thought things were going good and my head was clearing up. Then it hit me like a ton of bricks, the thought of wanting to be a woman again. Here is what gets me if the progression was like the alphabet A to Z, I start at A and move from letter to letter, if I stop I start again on the letter I was just on, well that is not how life is going. I have this list, the reasons I don't want to be a woman. Example, I don't want to get my ears pierced and wear earrings. So I am going about my daily guy life and I see a cute girl with earrings, and I think I want earing like she is wearing. I stop in my tracks, where did that thought come from? Five minutes ago, I didn't even want to be woman. Now I am back wanting to be a woman and all of sudden I want to get my ears pierced. So maybe I fall back into wanting to be a woman, but how have I moved from not wanting some part of womanhood to now wanting it. I should be where ever a left off not further down the road. I feel like I don't want to be a woman full time, but I don't want to be woman part either. As frustrating as this all feels, right now and in the at least near future staying a guy is the right choice for me. I know I am transgender, no normal cis guys feels the way I feel, but I can't give in to my fantasies. I know someday I will just need to start estrogen, wait a month or two then tell my wife that I am transitioning to be a woman and there is no going back. I understand our relationship is over and there is no saving it, with that being said I want to enjoy every monument I can with her now.

 You can put it that way, or you can say that you _and_ your wife invest your precious lifetime on a relationship that you know would eventually fall apart. Wouldn't she better off by finding herself a partner while she's relatively young?


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

But I know how you feel, I'm at the same spot. Only I tried it and not mesmerized by earrings, but more with HRT and body changes coming with it. And I don't allow myself any free time to think about it.

So, plz forgive my snarky comments if they appeared to you as such (if you can)


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Quote from: Erika_Courtney on September 13, 2017, 08:36:39 PM
I keep saying I need to post something to get these thoughts out of my head,... I feel like I don't want to be a woman full time, but I don't want to be woman part either. As frustrating as this all feels, right now and in the at least near future staying a guy is the right choice for me. I know I am transgender, no normal cis guys feels the way I feel, but I can't give in to my fantasies. I know someday I will just need to start estrogen, wait a month or two then tell my wife that I am transitioning to be a woman and there is no going back. I understand our relationship is over and there is no saving it, with that being said I want to enjoy every monument I can with her now.

Hi Erika,

  Laurie here. When I read what you wrote on things stands out. You are a conflicted transwoman. I'm no professional anything (though I was a good computer repairman once) But I do see you are torn between you and your fear of losing what you have because of it. I read nothing of doubt in your words and that is because you know as well as I do  that you are trans. You love some of what you have now and a huge part of that is your wife. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. You fear losing the good things in your life but at the same time you are denying who you know you are inside. This going back and forth with wanting to do things and not wanting to do them is just indicative of the internal struggle you wage with yourself and the guilt you feel for wanting to be the woman within.
  Someday something will have to give. Do you keep what you have and risk losing yourself in the process or do you become who you need to be and risk your wife and comfort you have now? Someday you'll be forced to make that choice. I can't tell you which it will be. Only you can decide that and when you do I hope you come out a winner. Keeping it all would be ideal of course.
  I wish you peace however it may turn out.

Hugs,
   Laurie

Quote from: Erika_Courtney on September 13, 2017, 08:36:39 PM
I keep saying I need to post something to get these thoughts out of my head, then I log off and go to bed without writing anything. I thought things were going good and my head was clearing up. Then it hit me like a ton of bricks, the thought of wanting to be a woman again. Here is what gets me if the progression was like the alphabet A to Z, I start at A and move from letter to letter, if I stop I start again on the letter I was just on, well that is not how life is going. I have this list, the reasons I don't want to be a woman. Example, I don't want to get my ears pierced and wear earrings. So I am going about my daily guy life and I see a cute girl with earrings, and I think I want earing like she is wearing. I stop in my tracks, where did that thought come from? Five minutes ago, I didn't even want to be woman. Now I am back wanting to be a woman and all of sudden I want to get my ears pierced. So maybe I fall back into wanting to be a woman, but how have I moved from not wanting some part of womanhood to now wanting it. I should be where ever a left off not further down the road. I feel like I don't want to be a woman full time, but I don't want to be woman part either. As frustrating as this all feels, right now and in the at least near future staying a guy is the right choice for me. I know I am transgender, no normal cis guys feels the way I feel, but I can't give in to my fantasies. I know someday I will just need to start estrogen, wait a month or two then tell my wife that I am transitioning to be a woman and there is no going back. I understand our relationship is over and there is no saving it, with that being said I want to enjoy every monument I can with her now.

I understand the confusion. I'm right there with you, one moment I'm like "when I become the woman I've always dreamt of, I'll be the happiest person in the world" and the next I'm like "no way, I'm happy the way I am, I don't need that. It will actually make everything more difficult". Gender dysphoria/confusion or whatever you wanna call it is one tough beast to rule over.

Sorry, this is long... I don't have time to edit it down... had two choices, erase-and-skip or post... choosing the latter...

Quote from: Erika_Courtney on September 13, 2017, 08:36:39 PM
... I thought things were going good and my head was clearing up. Then it hit me like a ton of bricks, the thought of wanting to be a woman again. ...

I'm wondering if you are very judgemental of yourself. In the above you are saying "things were going good" and "head was clearing up" and "then..." where the "then" implies something not good (bad?)... that "not good" thing being the thought of being a feminine being.

You might try to consider how you feel about yourself and your fluid fluctuations without such robotic imprint-based judgement.

It seems like you're letting your community's opinions, and/or those of your upbringing, and/or those of your overall societal context generally, judge your experience for you without you fully experiencing and understanding it on your own. Maybe I'm wrong but it seems that way when I read what you say.

Next time you experience a puzzling fluctuation, you might consider sitting down and taking a deep breath, exhaling... let the robotic judgements such as "good" and "bad" float away... just try to relax and ask yourself... is being a woman truly a setback? Is that a "bad" thing? You talk about it above as if it is... but is it? If so, why?

My personal judgement (which should not matter to you beyond your assessment of what I'm saying) is that you are judging yourself, reviewing yourself, based on imprints from upbringing/society/environment, as opposed to really relaxing and asking yourself with your highest civilized mind what is going on, what is okay, etc.

When robotic forms of "good" and "bad" float away, the real strong needs for good/bad judgements don't leave... they are always there (even if somewhat subjective from human to human, we often agree on certain things). If someone falls down while running, that may be a "bad" thing on most people's judgement because we generally don't want that to happen to someone else. There's things in life that folks easily agree are "bad." But a genetic male being a woman...  or feminizing... in closed-minded communities that's often a "bad" thing... in open-minded communities that aren't threatened by such harmless notions, it is not "bad" and likely "good." I mean... be careful about whatever judgements you may be implicitly attributing to your experiences, possibly even without your own awareness that's going on. We live in a horribly judgmental society... without scientific data, I have a personal hunch it is the source of a lot of the mental health problems we deal with (as a society). 

Quote from: Erika_Courtney on September 13, 2017, 08:36:39 PM
... Here is what gets me if the progression was like the alphabet A to Z, I start at A and move from letter to letter, if I stop I start again on the letter I was just on, well that is not how life is going. ...

Wrong... apparently that is "how life is going" ... and it's not only "how life is going" for you, but you are also judging it as bad without relaxing to truly consider things. Maybe your life is one that goes from A to Z throughout your life... you may really see that and want that. Or if you want to change something, maybe the best footing is to first acknowledge that is what's going on, and even in confusion about it, admit you may not have the data yet to fully understand it, to judge it.

Quote from: Erika_Courtney on September 13, 2017, 08:36:39 PM
... Five minutes ago, I didn't even want to be woman. Now I am back wanting to be a woman and all of sudden I want to get my ears pierced. So maybe I fall back into wanting to be a woman, but how have I moved from not wanting some part of womanhood to now wanting it. I should be where ever a left off not further down the road. ...

Wrong again... your faulty judgement tells you in uncompromising terms "I should not be where ever [I] left off [and] not further down the road." The truth of the matter is you should be nowhere but where you are. And you are going from not wanting to feminize, to then wanting to feminize. First, there's no data in that to make it definitively "bad" but you can likely find 100s of closed-minded towns around the world that would tell you "bad bad bad" ... and the world is full of messages that such is "bad bad bad." Maybe you are applying a robotic judgement something is "bad" without using your own soul/mind to make a personal wise civilized judgement on your own. That dilemma is not unheard of.

When I read what you wrote... I see you changed from not wanting to feminize, to wanting to feminize... and I don't see any issue with that. It's not a "bad" thing. It's who you are at this time. It doesn't mean that will happen all your life. Also, if you wish to not spend time feminizing, it's not inconceivable that you might learn to manage those feelings such that you can achieve your goal. BUT... and this is important... don't take what I just said as "that's what you should do to be 'good'" ... I'm not saying that.

I'm trying to say your mind is powerful, and it can help your create unhealthy repression just as it can help you move yourself to a place without unhealthy repression. If you're confused at any one time, that's fine... you can sit there in that moment, take a deep breath, exhale, and admit you experienced what you think may be conflicting thoughts... but that you don't know more yet. If that moment of pondering, letting confusion just be there can often help because it can help you avoid forcing a judgement simply to resolve the confusion. You don't need to resolve confusion in the moment you feel it. And you don't need to judge yourself as "bad" because of confusion. You are allowed to nonchalantly observe confusion, avoid judgement, and even be merry about it... i.e., "Hey, I see my wondrous confusion... what a wonderful mind I have that is processing something... let's what it learns over time... maybe hours, days, years... I have time... I will live the best life I can as I figure this out. I'll only judge when I feel the judgement for myself is clear." ... that sort of thing. I sometimes feel we have a mental health epidemic on this earth because we fail to give ourselves such healthy latitude. You are allowed to give yourself such latitude.

Over judgement just gets is everyone's way so much... there is definitely a time to say "no, that is bad" ... those times exist... but we apply that to so many things where it just gets in the way. Feminizing oneself is generally harmless... to imprint people that it's "bad" is a societal health problem.

Quote from: Erika_Courtney on September 13, 2017, 08:36:39 PM
... I feel like I don't want to be a woman full time, but I don't want to be woman part either. ...

You should discuss that in therapy. Sounds like dysphoria... those are mutually exclusive so I'm wondering if one or the other stems from judgement from imprinting and not your wise soul/mind. But until you know, I'd recommend not concluding it's "bad" or "good" or mutually exclusive. I say this because even what you write there is your own judgement to convey with words and given your other judgements, I'm suspicious your rendition of what you're experiencing within your wonderful mind is too hasty, quick... lacking the full color of what's really going on. On the high level, I get you're experiencing a form of confusion... but I don't sense it's as mutually exclusive as you present... something can either be understood further or resolved further toward less confusion. (And to split hairs... you can be okay with your confusion such that you accept it and understand it in way that is not confusing to you. Not saying that applies to you, just that it's a potential that shouldn't be written off. A non-judgemental accepting view of one's so-called confusion that leads to clarity.) 

Quote from: Erika_Courtney on September 13, 2017, 08:36:39 PM
... As frustrating as this all feels, right now and in the at least near future staying a guy is the right choice for me. I know I am transgender, no normal cis guys feels the way I feel, but I can't give in to my fantasies. ...

If it's the "right choice" that's great... fine, no problem. But "right choice" sounds like "good" to me, versus "bad." So if it's not a blind good/bad thing, it's fine... nobody says there's a rule you have to live as a woman. It's really up to you to figure out how to live... resolving gender issues is really (to me) about removing unhealthy repression that gets in the way of being a certain way that works best for someone. So I assume the goal for you in terms of resolving gender issues is to find a way to live life where you feel content in your life/relationships. There's an infinite number of outcomes to all that.

Quote from: Erika_Courtney on September 13, 2017, 08:36:39 PM
... I know someday I will just need to start estrogen, wait a month or two then tell my wife that I am transitioning to be a woman and there is no going back. I understand our relationship is over and there is no saving it, with that being said I want to enjoy every monument I can with her now.

I'm sort of with what others have said... I'd caution against deceiving anyone unless you feel they are abusive and you must be secretive just to move toward health but I don't sense that here. If you lie to someone who expects your trust, that (to me) creates unhealthy karma (it's not good for the soul/mind). Are you saying you know your relationship is over already now? If so, does your wife know you feel that way? If not, can you talk about that with her? Are you certain it's over? Regardless of any answers here, try to find a therapist you can discuss things with personally and perhaps with your wife.

Quote from: elkie-t on September 13, 2017, 08:51:05 PM
You can put it that way, or you can say that you _and_ your wife invest your precious lifetime on a relationship that you know would eventually fall apart. Wouldn't she better off by finding herself a partner while she's relatively young?

You don't have to explain your comment more in your next post, because you are 100% right in this post. I have thought of leaving her so that she can find someone better to build her life with, I am just selfish, I want to build a life with her. I tell myself what if 10 years from now I am still a guy, that could have been 10 years more with her. I do have a line in the sand, that if things get to X point, I am leaving her so at least she can have a future, just not to that point yet.

Quote from: Ashley3 on September 14, 2017, 02:11:27 PM
Sorry, this is long... I don't have time to edit it down... had two choices, erase-and-skip or post... choosing the latter...

I always enjoy your post

Quote from: Ashley3 on September 14, 2017, 02:11:27 PM
I'm wondering if you are very judgemental of yourself. In the above you are saying "things were going good" and "head was clearing up" and "then..." where the "then" implies something not good (bad?)... that "not good" thing being the thought of being a feminine being.

I am stuck in the society thinking of living the way you are born. I know that if I wanted to live as a woman there is really nothing wrong with it and I should be proud of my choice.

Quote from: Ashley3 on September 14, 2017, 02:11:27 PM

Next time you experience a puzzling fluctuation, you might consider sitting down and taking a deep breath, exhaling... let the robotic judgements such as "good" and "bad" float away... just try to relax and ask yourself... is being a woman truly a setback? Is that a "bad" thing? You talk about it above as if it is... but is it? If so, why?

It I woke up tomorrow morning and was a woman it would not be a bad thing. I would be beyond happy to wake up and see a woman in the mirror. My wife would not feel the same way and neither would a lot of other people, and I am letting those people rule my life.

Quote from: Ashley3 on September 14, 2017, 02:11:27 PM
I'm sort of with what others have said... I'd caution against deceiving anyone unless you feel they are abusive and you must be secretive just to move toward health but I don't sense that here. If you lie to someone who expects your trust, that (to me) creates unhealthy karma (it's not good for the soul/mind). Are you saying you know your relationship is over already now? If so, does your wife know you feel that way? If not, can you talk about that with her? Are you certain it's over? Regardless of any answers here, try to find a therapist you can discuss things with personally and perhaps with your wife.

My wife has said that she can never love another woman. She understands that if I need to be a woman to be happy then I deserve to be happy.  Every time I mention the word transgender or exploring being a woman she cries. I then cave and promise to always be her man. I am not in denial, I know for 100% fact I am transgender. From where I started in April until seems like a million miles away. I thought for sure this was just some OCD thing and soon this would a be distance memory. I just can't let go of my family, I don't want to destroy it. I love my wife so much, I would do anything for her. I can't stand to break her heart. If it is her happiness or mind, I want her to be happy.

Thank you so much Ashley.

Marriages are fragile.  The best definition of love that I ever saw was 'when you care about someone else more than you care about yourself.  As time goes on and the initial passion fades, it's very easy to take each other for granted and become distracted by other issues.  We've also got the added complication that the vast majority of us knew about our GD before entering into our marriages but many - perhaps because of shame, perhaps because we thought marriage would cure us - kept our feelings under wraps until well into the marriage.  Therefore, if we want our marriages to persist after we finally come out, we do have to accept some responsibility to consider the feelings of our spouses who are the innocent party in all of this.

It is to your credit that you are considering your wife's feelings through your own struggles.  Granted, some of your motives surround you not wishing to lose her but, for the most part, I see a genuine desire on your part not to hurt her which is a great example of the definition of love I quoted at the start of this reply.  You are therefore, to use a metaphor, approaching a fork in the road - one route leads to transition and the probable loss of those you hold dear, the other to what you see as a life of frustration.  Your problem is compounded by the two therapists you have consulted - one has blocked off the transition road completely and the other tried to pull you down it when you weren't sure that it was the right road for you.  Neither has been particularly helpful which is why you now feel more confused than ever.

To continue the metaphor, you'll only know which route is the one for you by considering both.  There are many wonderful people in the Susan's community who have gone down the transition route and achieved stunning results.  However, their path has not always been smooth and many have become estranged from their families as a result.  You've probably already read this thread (most of us have!) but the following link will take you to one of the most detailed accounts of transition you'll ever read starting from the intial plea for help from the community, through to a largely complete surgical and social transition with a lot of insight into the impact this has had on their marriage:

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,133631.0.html

What I think this thread shows graphically is that transition is no walk in the park and, whilst it may resolve one set of issues, it does give rise to a whole load more.  At the end of the day, it's up to the individual to decide which set outweighs the other and act accordingly.

On the other hand, you may decide to chose the route that leaves things as they are.  Although there is perhaps a body of opinion which considers this a less palatable option, I personally think it's a very valid choice to make.  It's only thanks to medical progress and a more liberal society that has enabled us to have the choice of transition and if we accept that gender dysphoria is not a new phenomenon, then people in our position in years gone by would have to live with the condition - in other words stay well and truly 'in the closet'.  Agreed, it's probably a lot harder to do now than it was 100 years ago given the advances in treatment of GD, transition, social media, websites and apps that enable you to see what you'd look like as the opposite sex and all of the other things we have to contend with but it is doable.  Again, there are many individuals in this community, myself included, who have chosen this path - it's not easy and some would call it living a lie but, for me, GD means a burning wish that I'd been born female rather than a burning  desire to become female by surgical means.  And let's not forget that many people in the wider world have to live with far greater struggles than this one and cope as best they can.

I wish you luck on your journey, whichever road you take!

Quote from: Erika_Courtney on May 16, 2017, 09:38:21 PM
When I started to question my gender identity, I visited a bunch of different boards, but I always seem to come back here before the night was over. This is not just a place for a question and an answer, it was a place to share your journey and the journey of others. I didn't want to just make a throw away account, say somethings and fade back into the shadows, you are all real people, with real lives and I have read so many courageous stories on this site. It took me over a week the come up with my user name, I eliminated Erika at least 5 times, but I just keep coming back to it. What is in a name anyway? Erika has no legal meaning, I can't board a plane under the name Erika Courtney. Yet for some reason, I felt I had to pick just the right name. Besides I dislike being referred to as female. When ever I pick up the phone and it's a telemarketer, they always say hello miss, I spend the next five minutes telling them they are talking to a sir and they better get it right. So why did a spend a week trying to pick out the right female name? For that matter why am I even here, that question I can answer.

I always knew something was different about me, nothing bad just I was different then the other boys. I grew up in the 1980's and there was no internet and I don't remember their being a transgender episode of Facts of Life. It wasn't until the last couple of years, that I even heard the word transgender and that was in the context of a man completely transiting into a female. I don't have a problem looking like a guy and I could have seen myself as a guy 20 years from now. What stuck out to me during my research, was more of a mental transition. My plan became to live in guy physical mode, same name and clothes, just mentally change, to be the girl I am suppose to be in my head. Then I stared to read the post that replied referring to me as Erika. I won't lie, I liked being addressed as Erika. I still didn't really have a mental image of me with a female body. Then I thought maybe it would be fun to see myself dressed in female clothes, so I cross dressed. I may have looked ridiculous, but honestly I was really excited to see myself dressed as female. I could not help but wonder, what would I look like with breast and long hair? It is really scary to be asking this because I hate long hair and never wanted breast or any other female features. If I want to know what I look like with long hair and breast, I will have an idea soon, since I ordered both last night. You can find anything on the internet.

I woke up this morning and started to wonder are things moving to fast? I checked online and my wig and breast order were processed, looks like they are coming in the mail. With that being said, I think I need to take a little break for soul searching and have a little fun, and get some fresh air. I will probably have had two therapy appointments before I post again, so I will have a lot to catch up on.

I think the biggest take away from yesterday is this: I thought Erika was the girl in my head, but I am starting to think that Erika is the girl inside of me.

omg !
Is this person me? It all sounds so familiar lol
Hang in there girl and just be yourself. I went through almost the same things. It took me weeks to come up with the name I really want to be called (Bobbie LeAnn).
I have made a LOT! of changes in the past year and can't and won't go back to the man I was. I am still a man to most of the people I know and I get strange looks with me having breasts now. I am currently a 38c/d and soon I am going to kill off the male side of me and live my life as a woman. I too like you found the forums here to be filled with real honest people and feel comfortable here. We only have one life to live and it's too short to live it trapped in the wrong body.

I hope and pray you can find your true self and be happy(I know I have).

With love
Bobbie Ann

I know I am entering the fools gold phase. So today I met this girl, I loved they way she did her hair, and she had on the cutest top. That was my first impression, I continued to see her throughout the day and my thoughts started to drift away from her clothes and more to what it would be like to see her without clothes on and in bed. Then the light goes on in my head, that is normal guy thoughts. A couple of months ago, it would have been time to delete my account, because I was cured. Now I know it is just fools gold. I am coming out of a phase, but I know it won't last forever. I am good for a week maybe even a month, but I am going to fall right into another phase. The hard part is moving forward, not back. Up to this point, I have never really been able to see a future with me being a woman in it, over the last week that has changed, I can see me as a woman in the future. The fools gold makes it harder to break the status quo. I found my therapist number and was about to call, now I feel more like giving this guy thing awhile longer. My biggest hope is that if I give my wife all she wants for as long as I can, that when I can't give anymore, she will understand and we can find a way to make it work.

It is good you are aware that this moment of masculinity is a fools paradise.  Or I think so anyway.  One days experience does not make a life's satisfaction.
I too look at women.  See what they are wearing, carrying themselves, even their bodies.  Love it all. Sometimes.  But i have noticed and think I have not been one to jump to lust for them.  It is part of my demisexual self, I guess.  And as I go further along in my awareness I am less inclined to lust them even.  Think of many things.  Being friends.  Hanging out.  Just knowing her but sex is not a part of the equation.   But I will admit to admiring a weather guy during the coverage of hurricane Irma.
Giving your SO time to adjust is good, especially if you want to make it work.  You (we) have struggled with this most of our lives.  She just got the bombshell dropped on her recently and with it a whole new set of uncertainties to try to adjust to or deal with.  But don't deny what you are inside.  What needs to be expressed somehow, some way.  Or things will get painful.  This adjustment may be a good way to start a chat with your SO about moving forward with openness and honesty but no promises for the future except to love her.  None of us know tomorrow's dysphoria intensity of how we will respond to hormones.

Quote from: Erika_Courtney on September 18, 2017, 08:14:02 PM
I know I am entering the fools gold phase. So today I met this girl, I loved they way she did her hair, and she had on the cutest top. ... my thoughts started to drift away from her clothes and more to what it would be like to see her without clothes on and in bed. Then the light goes on in my head, that is normal guy thoughts. ...

Why are those "guy thoughts"? I mean, do you think of making love to her as a guy and she a woman, or do you just assume general attraction is heterosexual attraction... or something else?

To be clear, your admiration for her clothes does not make you trans. If you sense that admiration is a desire to be like her and wear such clothes, then it could mean you're trans-feminine to some degree. And if you're trans-feminine to some degree, it doesn't mean you won't find her attractive.

I'm not trying to split hairs here... I'm trying to let you see how I read things if I take what you post literally. I'm doing that because I think you may sometimes be making hasty (if not harsh in some cases) assumptive judgments about a number of things and then believing those judgments because of the initial strength you give them.

If there's any truth to that, perhaps a more relaxed non-assumptive approach to considering things might yield a more thoughtful way of considering things, perhaps with refrain from judgment, allowing answers to become clear to you only when they're truly there.

Judgments without basis are like lies. I'm not saying your perspective doesn't have basis but I'm not seeing in the most recent post and I guess, given earlier posts/discussion, I'm interested in ensuring I'm honest about what info I have or do not have in what you say. So I'm treating what you're saying quite literally and working to avoid being assumptive myself about how to read between the lines.

You might consider allowing yourself to not have all the answers, to more simply perceive your life... see it happening and your thoughts, like you'd behold a beautiful field or lake in peace and quiet without a lot of harsh or hasty commentary.

Quote from: Erika_Courtney on September 18, 2017, 08:14:02 PM
I know I am entering the fools gold phase. ... A couple of months ago, it would have been time to delete my account, because I was cured. Now I know it is just fools gold. ... The fools gold makes it harder to break the status quo. ...

You use "fools gold" at least 3 times... that's harsh. So you're the fool?  And being non-trans without tendency for being fem is somehow synonymous with being "cured"?? Harsh my friend... you think being non-trans is being cured. You think being non-trans means you can close your account, all of which mean you're cured, and all of which are great (gold) things for you, right? Because fools gold is simply a forgery of all the aforementioned actual gold. You thought you were all better because you could see a way of being non-trans and closing your account, all of which turned out to be false for you, so you call it fools gold.

Harsh... why not just chill... enjoy your life, work on your relationship with your SO, and enjoy life with her, find a great gender therapist, and figure things out without all the harshness.

There's no fools gold here except to believe there's fools gold. If you find out you like women and aren't trans, then more power to you. If you find out your trans feminine, more power to you. Finding out one or the other doesn't make you automatically a great person or a bad person, and neither is definitively better than the other. Those categories are just groupings we can choose to express to identify with as a way of communicating to each other in the general discourse of life generally who we are to each other. Being trans-feminine is extremely very general... being a transsexual, while more specific, is still a very general thing too... it has specifics but it's not definitively good or bad. 

If someone is repressed and not seeing something, then it's usually fairly definitively "good" for that someone to discover that they are repressed and not seeing things clearly... most of us believe that is a good thing. But you're not even there yet. I'm trying to say the endpoints are not good/bad in and of themselves... it's the person and whether they are at the right endpoint and how they live their lives, their context, which makes things good or bad... and evven "good" and "bad" are rather two extremes. Anyway, you seem to be implicitly judging the endpoints you're uncertain of and I'm saying that, to me, seems like 'The' only fools gold here, that you think you can make those judgments.

I guess that's what i"m saying... stop judging the potential endpoints because none of them are good or bad... they are realities that we can discover are general descriptions of aspects of our lives. They are good if you find the right endpoint for yourself and it yields better life health. They can be bad if you try to force yourself into an endpoint or feel you must be one or the other due to pressure. Nobody's pressuring you... beyond your SO (which is typical... but she is not you as well)... but you don't have to pressure yourself into believe you are one endpoint versus another based on judgments of the endpoints themselves... just relax and see who you naturally are. That's the gold of transition IMHO... and it can come from self-realization or more involved treatments/experiences overtime.

I only have myself to blame for my current situation. I chose to isolate myself, stopping therapy and promising never to speak of transiting to my wife again. I come on board and ramble about what is on my mind today, hoping to make sense of all these thoughts passing through my head. I keep going back to the day, I sat in my therapist office and declared I am a woman. When I first started I thought I could simply chose male or female. I thought if I wanted to move on I could, but after a few days or weeks I was right back here. The truth is I have never been at the crossroads of male or female, I chose female years ago, I just never realized I could make that choice. I spent my life thinking male was the only choice. The crossroads is do I choose what makes me happy or what makes the ones I love happy.  For years I have always been sexually aroused by women, women don't arouse me anymore and men don't either. This week is the first time in a long time, I have felt any arousal after seeing a woman. It felt like old times, before all these thoughts clouded my head. As someone on this board once said, you have to make a plan and move forward with it. Well before this week I had a plan, it is time to put my happiness first. I am lucky to know a therapist willing to support me in my journey. It is true I didn't like this therapist, because the truth is scary, and I always want to run for it. The truth is I want to fully develop a female looking body. Like many on here I tolerate a male body, because it isn't that bad, but when I see Erika in the mirror that is who I truly am. I so far have lacked the courage to come out and stay out. In some ways I am lucky to have a wife that time after time is willing to forgive me and take me back. I know the time is coming for me to make a very difficult choice.


It is great to have a place I can come and share my thoughts.

Thank you for those who have replied to my recent post.

Quote from: Erika_Courtney on September 20, 2017, 07:58:24 PM
I only have myself to blame for my current situation. ...

From your last post it sounds like you're actually making better sense of things, perhaps finding courage you didn't have before ... so congrats on that!

You might consider not blaming yourself so much. You've described many things which don't need any associated "blame" or "good"/"bad" labels.

If something in your thinking changes again you might consider not blaming yourself and just observing the shift and being okay if no immediate answers exist. I personally find that stance of observation amidst confusion more fruitful to finding self understanding than lots of self-criticism in that same moment. The two paths spend energy in different ways perhaps with different goals in mind. 

I am feeling really guilty right now. I told my wife I was going to a baseball game, instead I checked into a hotel to spent time as Erika. I have been sitting on the bed in a night gown and eating ice cream, but sometimes my hair gets in the way. I have heard people talk about gender euphoria, I am just so happy when I look in the mirror tonight and see myself. I don't just look in the mirror, I play in the mirror, I play with my hair, I make kissy faces with my lips.

Well I am getting ready to head to bed, I am going to sleep with my breast forms and nightgown on, this should be interesting.

Take a walk outside, go to a hotel bar for a drink... it's more fun (than sit inside) and unless you hotel is really seedy, is generally safe

Wow what an amazing night. Normally I toss and turn in bed, before I can fall asleep. Last night I got into bed and in less then a minute, I got comfortable and next thing I knew my alarm was going off. When I went into the bathroom and saw a woman's body in the mirror it made me so happy my eyes started to tear up.

Quote from: Erika_Courtney on September 26, 2017, 07:57:38 AM
Wow what an amazing night. Normally I toss and turn in bed, before I can fall asleep. Last night I got into bed and in less then a minute, I got comfortable and next thing I knew my alarm was going off. When I went into the bathroom and saw a woman's body in the mirror it made me so happy my eyes started to tear up.

Hugs Girlfriend.  It is a wonderful feeling.  We all know it.  That moment of seeing ourselves for the first time.  And a  good nights sleep in sexy us is so nice.  Gotta love your breast forms.  Now are the girls the right size you want the rest of your life.  That is my dilemma.  Mine fit nicely in D cup, but do I want that after BA?  And all the attention they bring.  The struggles of being TG.

Hi Erika,

   Yes isn't it nice? Enjoy the bliss Erika. I think I can't remember having many such nights a long time ago.

Hugs,
  Laurie

Quote from: JulieOnHerWay on September 26, 2017, 10:07:33 PM
Now are the girls the right size you want the rest of your life. 

I guess this is what you would call progress. When I first started to question if I was transgender and was researching hormones, I knew in my head what changes I was okay and what changes I was not okay. The biggest not okay was I don't want breast development. I didn't want people to look at me and think I was female and breast kind of give you away. Fast-forward to the present, I am not longer in denial I about who I am and how I feel. I am more ready and interested in exploring features that would make me body look more female. I currently have C-Cup breast forms, any bump on chest looks nice, but I would not be against having a bigger size. I have also read that after starting hormones, some m to f see a reduction in upper body size. This might make my C-Cups forms look bigger on my chest. I never thought I would day this, but I will just be happy to have my own natural breast, no matter the size. Fast-Forward to the future when I start hormones, and I am writing how my breast didn't grow as big as I wanted them. Honestly right now I am just trying to come to terms with the end of denial about wanting to be a woman and enjoying this discover time.

Yeah , Erika I would put that in the progress category. Congratulations on the attitude changes.

Hugs,
   Laurie

Good brain shift.  Knowing that what you have resisted for so long is not possible anymore.  And it has an upside too.  Boobies!!
My natural girls wont be enough.  I know because of my gene pool.  Both sisters are small.  No hope for even a C cup with what is in me.  Already planning for BA.  If I am going girl I want a rack (sort of).  Yum. 
And as a male I was not a rack-man.

I just wanted to post some thoughts in my head as I try to sort all these things out.

My family is my number one reason for not transitioning. I am just not sure I love my wife anymore. I am sure all marriages go through these phases, but in the end both people want to be together forever. My wife wants to be together, but under certain conditions. I am willing to submit to her conditions, but I wish she would just understand what I am truly going through. She thinks this is just something I can simple cover up and move on from, I wish it was that simple. That being said, I have been denying my female side less and less. The more I feel our relationship is falling apart, the less will I have to hold on to the male things about me. I am starting to think that I could have a life as a woman, even though that life would not include her. I know if I continue on this road, I am going to wake up one morning a woman with real breast and female features, I am also waking up alone, did I transition because I wanted to be a woman or did I go this far out of anger and hurt. Maybe the anger and hurt are helping me reach the point I needed to reach to express my female side. Time will tell.

Oh Erica, what you writes is spot on for me. I made a big sacrifice, only to be ignored by my spouse and to become a starting point point for more nagging. Some people don't appreciate you, and take for granted


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Quote from: Erika_Courtney on October 14, 2017, 08:08:58 PM
... My wife wants to be together, but under certain conditions. I am willing to submit to her conditions, but I wish she would just understand what I am truly going through. ...

My understanding is that marriage (I've never been married) involves commitment, understanding, compromise... and love on some level. It seems you're entitled to express your situation, have your conditions, and all that, as part of navigating the world of matrimony together. It can only be one-sided if that's truly agreeable or reconciled by both parties... otherwise it's sort of matrimony her way or the highway which doesn't sound like matrimony to me... it doesn't sound like someone who is thinking about "in sickness and health" and "for better or worse" etc.

Transition is a very involved thing and you're already talking judgmentally about waking up one day in the distant future and having female features overall which apparently you are certain will cause her to drop you, and that you'll then be alone. Those things can happen... but... If you haven't had one day of upper-lip facial electrolysis, I'd say hold on there ... you need time to figure things out, to try things, see what will happen. I'd be careful about letting your emotions and black-and-white judgments come up with these distant outcomes.

It sounds like you should be seeing a therapist by yourself and with your wife to discuss things. Hopefully you can find a therapist who will be neutral and not side one way or another based on, say, religious beliefs. For example, in therapy you should be able to say I want to wear a dress around the house at least one day per week, or be allowed to have a night where I can go somewhere to do that... to experience that. You are allowed to try things out in life.

It has been a while since I have been on this site. I wasn't sure where the road was taking me after the last time I logged off. I had just started taking anti depressants and things seemed to be going good with my wife. I noticed an improvement in my mood since starting the anti depressants. Things were going good in life until a couple of weeks ago. My wife and I had a disagreement, we seemed to work through it, but the next week she came back with another issue and started the disagreement again. She talked about the scarifies she has made for our relationship and said I have done nothing but tare us apart. I really pushed the transgender thoughts away for months, but after the fight they started coming back. One day I stood in front of a mirror and looked myself in the eyes and admitted things that I have always tried to hide. When I was younger, I noticed my female friends bodies changed and my body did not change like theirs, I always wanted my body to change like theirs and if I could pick the features of my body without the preassigned male or female feature, my body would come out looking more female then male. After the conversation with myself there is no denying who I am. The questions is do I keep suppressing it to try and save a marriage that even without the transgender issues, may still fall apart or do I move toward discovering my authentic self and begin to take steps toward living as a woman, dooming my marriage.

The two roads, road one keep taking anti depressants and try and hold my marriage together or the second road contact my old therapist who supported my transition to a woman. I know that only I can make this decision. I am coming to terms with losing my wife, which maybe for the better, as I will be able to explore sexuality as a woman and no longer be forced to fulfill a male role that I have never really liked. I always thought that if I transitioned, I had to be with another woman, but after reading how others have found confront with a man after transition, I might as well.

"To Thine Own Self Be True".

I think you need to be yourself. If you lose the marriage at least you have a new path. My marriage is pretty fragile as well but I'm willing to take the risk to create new possibilities.

It will always be like so. She's making sacrifices being with you (at least in her mind) and not the other way around.


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Erika,

I am not saying this is true of you. However, it is my belief that there will always be a resentment if you do not follow through on your experimentation.

I love my wife and my kids are amazing. I do not resent her or them but I was a moron who did not even know themselves well enough to see the signs for 50 years. How could I resent them if it was my fault I did not follow through on my impulses? I only regret I did not realize young enough to start earlier. I only resent myself for not waking up sooner. This of course also makes me feel guilty. If I had explored years ago, I would not have the support network I am blessed to have in my wife(isn't thrilled but fully supports me so far) and my kids.

I guess I'm saying if I were in your shoes, I would feel guilty and like I screwed up with either choice. However, with perfect 20/20 vision from this point....that resentment will most likely come along if you try to stick it out with your wife.

Sorry I don't have cheerier suggestions. It is also my perspective, not having personally experienced your situations. You may wish someone else could help but the decision is yours. As you well know, therapists can help narrow it down...

I wish you love, luck, acceptance and a smooth journey.

Warmly,

Jacqui

Yesterday I decided to go out as Erika, it has been months since I have dressed in girl mode and the first time I really went out during the day in girl mode. I decide to go shopping and felt that at least I could be in the woman's section without feeling out of place. It was the best experience of my life. In the first store I was looking at tops and the sales lady asked me if she could help me because I was in the plus size section and clearly to her was not plus size. Then in the next store I found a few tops to try one and while in the fitting room the sale lady came to the door and asked mama could I get you any other sizes? Then in the third store I tried on two sweaters and a dress. Yes, I said dress, I tried on a dress and it was super cute looking, but I don't have the legs for it. Then I went two shoe stores and tried on heels and boots. That made 5 stores in one day, that might not be a lot for some girls, but for my normal guy mode and one store pick it out and leave, 5 is a lot. Oh and I just didn't try on clothes for size, I keep looking in the mirror to see how I looked, I was just so happy with the image I saw. Normally, I just try clothes on for size. I love shopping in girl mode.

Which leads me to post shopping what's next?
I am starting to look for an apartment. Since I don't see things ending well with my wife in the long term.
I want to father a child before I start hormones and my wife wants a baby.
After she gets pregnant, I want to start hormones. I am not going to tell her about starting hormones. I am going to see how the first couple months of low dose goes. If things go as I think they will and the hormones work, I am going to tell my wife I want a divorce.

If my body blooms quickly on hormones, then if just stands as further proof that I was a woman along and my brain was the first to realize it and now my body is responding to the right hormones. 

I don't know. You really shouldn't consider having a child until you come into agreement with your wife about HRT. Divorces with a child involved get quiet complicated including the fact you will probably have to support the child until adulthood. In addition you may need to provide some support for your wife and the outlay of money could limit your transition. A little agreement now could save you an enormous amount of grief latter on.

You made some good points in your post Dena.

It is one thing to think about a plan or idea in your head, it is another to see it written down. The plan seems simple in my head, but in reality it is much more complicated. There is the nine month pregnancy, plus the months right after birth. This is not really time for a baby to be moving from place to place. So could I just hide the changes for hormones for months and wait it out. A lot more questions then answers at this time.

To address what you said, Dena, my wife and I have already talked about divorce and she wants to be part of any children we have lives. We would probably share custody and I hope to live near by to make the whole custody thing work better. I plan on being active in any child's life, not just financially, but emotionally as well. The biggest issue is discussing transition with my wife again. I can see it now, she will cry and I will feel awful and take it all back and promise to be her husband and never say the T word again.

I know the first step is to get back in therapy and while in therapy start developing Erika's life. 

I haven't posted in a long time because I have just been depressed. The short version of a long story is this. One night while in guy mode, I was jumped and repeatedly hit in the face, breaking a bunch of bones. Thanks to good a surgeon and a lot of metal plates, they were able to put my face back together. I have been spending the last months recovering and had little motivation to do anything. Honest, my wife has been super when it comes to taking care of me. I wasn't able to do a lot of things I would normally do so she stepped up and helped.

I hope to have better news to share soon, as I continue this crazy journey that is called life.

Hello Erika

I recall some of your posts earlier in the year and I am glad you have now returned to Susans' and  I look forward to chatting in due course when you are ready.

I am so sad you have been attacked and no doubt you have suffered physical aswell as mental pain. I am relieved surgeons seem to have done a good job and I wish you a speedy and full recovery.

Hugs


Pamela

Congrats on the first big step. It's never going to get any easier to come out to a spouse. It's great you are both going to counseling that will help figure things out and help ease the doubt.

Well today is one full week, 7 days since I told my wife I am not a man, I'm not a woman either, I am Nonbinary and I am going to start cross dressing. I offered to be respectful at this point and not cross dress in front of her. There was a lot of silence and we just went on our way. In the last week we haven't revisited the topic, but more importantly I did not it back.

One final post before I move on from this series of post.

The spring of 2018 will go down as the perfect storm. I was about to have my cake and eat it to, until one night that changed the course of the future. A place I have walked hundreds of times would become a crime scene, I would be left bleeding on the ground as a man ran way with my wallet. My cell phone so covered with blood, I couldn't call for help. After weeks of doctors visits and reconstructive surgery, I won't even be able to shower on my own. The wife who I had thought just weeks ago about breaking her heart, was my care giver. Even as my physical wounds healed, my mental wounds became more apparent. There was no longer talk transitioning, going in different directions from my wife. I couldn't even muster the energy to get out of bed. When I realized how bad things were, I called a therapist for help. Just weeks before all this happened there was talk of babies and transitioning to a woman, now it was just a chore to get out bed in the morning. How could a be a father to a new baby, if getting out of bed was a chore? I better start getting better because a baby is on its way. At some point in therapy came the question what were you doing out there when you got attacked. I knew what was going on in my head, but I didn't want to go down that rabbit home, but I went there and talked about my desires to be female instead of male. Things went different from there, there was no only being a woman will make you happy so get ready to leave your wife. Instead there was talk about what changes would make you comfortable and would your wife be open to these things. It open a new dialogue between my wife and I. There have been points on this journey where I have said this is what I want and what I am going to do. My wife gets frustrated when I do this, but nothing so far has pushed her out of the picture. We have now welcomed a new addition into our family. I started a low dose of estrogen, my wife isn't thrilled, but hasn't left me either. We have horrible days, bad days, good days and the rare great day, but overall there are more good then bad.

I read the entire thread and sympathize with you Erika.  I wanted to share a web site with you and the other members here.  It is a LGBT physician locator.  My Doctor shared it with me, the Doctor has to make an effort to be put on this list.  I know earlier in this thread finding the right therapist was important.  I also saw where getting one not trained in Transgender issues may give a wrong diagnosis and maybe give a spouse a "diagnosis' that will be hard to invalidate with future evidence once they hear what they want to hear.  It is nationwide.  I have learned a lot from this thread, Thank you for sharing your story.  I am glad you are in a good place with your wife.  I hope it all goes well for you both and you both enjoy the happiness you both deserve.   

https://www.outcarehealth.org/