Community Conversation => Transitioning => Coming out of the closet => Topic started by: Pao on May 20, 2017, 12:03:55 PM Return to Full Version
Title: 2 major coming outs to go (Very long)
Post by: Pao on May 20, 2017, 12:03:55 PM
Post by: Pao on May 20, 2017, 12:03:55 PM
Hi everyone,
I started T 2 days ago. I know it is mostly psychological, but I am so elated. The thing is that I still have some very big coming out to do.
I know I have put myself on a time table now since I went ahead with the shots first. I am hoping to rapidly increase my comfort with the two major hurdles I have left. (Family of Origin and work) Any suggestions would be helpful.
At work I am partially out. I came out to the head of my department. He was great. I had broached the subject before and had a good idea he wouldn't be an issue. So it was pretty painless. He just nodded and continued on with our conversation. I <3 My boss. I have yet to tell him I have started T, but I don't expect it to be a problem. I also have been put in contact with two other trans faculty/staff members through another faculty member who is a long time friend. They have said they will be supportive and help in any way they can. I can't even explain how grateful I am to know I am not the first to break this ground.
My direct supervisors and my crew are the sticking point. My crew is made up of a varied population. One ardent trump supporter (My supervisor)r. A Seventh Day Adventist. A young cisguy who thinks he knows everything. A retired Army Vet. A very Christian religious guy with what we believe are signs of early dementia and low IQ. One catholic guy, but who has stated to me that he is ok with gay people. One guy who is mentally handicapped in some way I have never bothered to enquire about. One guy who is a former vet and has mood stability issues, but tends to be a live and let live kinda guy.
Early in my employment the "Bathroom" thing was brought up, by the trump supporter, while he was working with the Seven Day Adventist and I. I quickly jumped in and started explaining how the premise of his objection to trans people in there gender appropriate bathroom was incorrect. (Mainly my point is that Transwomen aren't men. That HRT pretty much nullifies any of the "male" stuff that he would be worried about being in the bathroom with his daughter. That public bathrooms aren't a Safe space anyway, and someone acting creepy in the bathroom is a creeper no matter their gender. And that HRT for FTM's makes them pretty much exactly what they are afraid is going to be in the bathroom with their daughters. Increased strength, increase male libido, and a MAN being in the women's room.) I mentioned that I was Genderqueer, (which I was mainly just saying because I didn't have the confidence to say I was FTM) I was not met with violence or harassment. It seemed that they both took in some of what I was saying. I was sort of dismissed by the trump supporter saying (Well I can see why YOU would feel so strongly about this) and The SDA guy just said he was uncomfortable talking about it, but later asked me "what about if a women wants to breastfeed in the bathroom? (To which I replied that I think breastfeeding in the bathroom is gross)
I also have mentioned to the guy with the dementia and low IQ that I do not like being referred to by female terms. I told him I don't like being seen as a female and the fact that he constantly refers to me in a female gendered way bothers me. HE likes to call me girl, lady, ma'am, and once or twice Sweetie, baby, or honey. I am his supervisor and I understand his unique situation, I have not fully said, I am trans male, but I do not necessarily thing that would solve anything. He genuinely apologizes whenever I call him on it, but it is almost a daily occurrence. (My bosses advice is that I tell him that if he doesn't stop I will take things up the ladder, but I have not pursued this course due to his mental situation)
I am presenting as myself. I don't shave. I dress in the male uniform. I bind sometimes and don't others depending on the intensity of the work and heat exposure. At 5'2 and 135lbs I don't pass as male. I don't expect to. But I know at some point I will eventually need to address the physical changes and potentially ask for pronoun changes. My name everyone calls me will be the same.
The second major coming out I have to face is my parents and brothers. I really don't know what to expect. My brothers were fine when I came out at 14 as bisexual, but my mom was not, and my dad was pretty indifferent when I was a teenager, but seemed to get less ok as he aged. My eldest brother, has never been happy with my masculine appearance and every time I see him makes some sort of comment. My younger older brother has trans friends, but has become considerably more conservative as he ages. My mother is the wild card. She took me being bisexual really hard. She hated me being OUT. She told me I would ruin my father's medical practice when people found out. She said I would cause violence upon myself because I was out. She chilled out a lot over the years, and following a suicide attempt that ended me up on life support for many days, she has relaxed a lot. I still think she will be very worried about how others perceive her. I also know she was trying for a girl when she had me. My dad, like I said is a physician. I know he has treated trans patients, and thinks doctors who don't are stupid, but I don't know if this is simply because he thinks about the liability of treating any patient poorly. I know he knows I have trans friends, and don't shave, and am rather masculine, but he still refers to me as his baby girl, and gushes enthusiastically when I present as female. (Which I haven't done in about 2 years)
Right now my parents are helping me buy a house. I currently live in a rental of my fathers. They are helping me with a down payment. The house is under contract, and we are in the due diligence phase. I need to keep mum until the house goes through, simply as a precaution incase it goes terrible and my dad reacts terribly and would kick me out of my current house that he owns. But I do not want to come out as soon as the house closes, because I don't want them to feel like I just wanted the money. I however, know that my dad will catch on quick once the hormones start having an effect. He knows too much. I also have major guilt about lying and hiding. I am so not good at it.
I've already started letters. I have a plan to offer a book as well. The Transgender Child and/or Raising Ryland, are the two I've been thinking about so far, although I am up for other suggestions.
Any other ideas? Any hints you think I could drop to make it softer, that I am not already dropping? Anyone have medical knowledge or parents in the field that they have come out to?
Thanks for reading.
Pao
I started T 2 days ago. I know it is mostly psychological, but I am so elated. The thing is that I still have some very big coming out to do.
I know I have put myself on a time table now since I went ahead with the shots first. I am hoping to rapidly increase my comfort with the two major hurdles I have left. (Family of Origin and work) Any suggestions would be helpful.
At work I am partially out. I came out to the head of my department. He was great. I had broached the subject before and had a good idea he wouldn't be an issue. So it was pretty painless. He just nodded and continued on with our conversation. I <3 My boss. I have yet to tell him I have started T, but I don't expect it to be a problem. I also have been put in contact with two other trans faculty/staff members through another faculty member who is a long time friend. They have said they will be supportive and help in any way they can. I can't even explain how grateful I am to know I am not the first to break this ground.
My direct supervisors and my crew are the sticking point. My crew is made up of a varied population. One ardent trump supporter (My supervisor)r. A Seventh Day Adventist. A young cisguy who thinks he knows everything. A retired Army Vet. A very Christian religious guy with what we believe are signs of early dementia and low IQ. One catholic guy, but who has stated to me that he is ok with gay people. One guy who is mentally handicapped in some way I have never bothered to enquire about. One guy who is a former vet and has mood stability issues, but tends to be a live and let live kinda guy.
Early in my employment the "Bathroom" thing was brought up, by the trump supporter, while he was working with the Seven Day Adventist and I. I quickly jumped in and started explaining how the premise of his objection to trans people in there gender appropriate bathroom was incorrect. (Mainly my point is that Transwomen aren't men. That HRT pretty much nullifies any of the "male" stuff that he would be worried about being in the bathroom with his daughter. That public bathrooms aren't a Safe space anyway, and someone acting creepy in the bathroom is a creeper no matter their gender. And that HRT for FTM's makes them pretty much exactly what they are afraid is going to be in the bathroom with their daughters. Increased strength, increase male libido, and a MAN being in the women's room.) I mentioned that I was Genderqueer, (which I was mainly just saying because I didn't have the confidence to say I was FTM) I was not met with violence or harassment. It seemed that they both took in some of what I was saying. I was sort of dismissed by the trump supporter saying (Well I can see why YOU would feel so strongly about this) and The SDA guy just said he was uncomfortable talking about it, but later asked me "what about if a women wants to breastfeed in the bathroom? (To which I replied that I think breastfeeding in the bathroom is gross)
I also have mentioned to the guy with the dementia and low IQ that I do not like being referred to by female terms. I told him I don't like being seen as a female and the fact that he constantly refers to me in a female gendered way bothers me. HE likes to call me girl, lady, ma'am, and once or twice Sweetie, baby, or honey. I am his supervisor and I understand his unique situation, I have not fully said, I am trans male, but I do not necessarily thing that would solve anything. He genuinely apologizes whenever I call him on it, but it is almost a daily occurrence. (My bosses advice is that I tell him that if he doesn't stop I will take things up the ladder, but I have not pursued this course due to his mental situation)
I am presenting as myself. I don't shave. I dress in the male uniform. I bind sometimes and don't others depending on the intensity of the work and heat exposure. At 5'2 and 135lbs I don't pass as male. I don't expect to. But I know at some point I will eventually need to address the physical changes and potentially ask for pronoun changes. My name everyone calls me will be the same.
The second major coming out I have to face is my parents and brothers. I really don't know what to expect. My brothers were fine when I came out at 14 as bisexual, but my mom was not, and my dad was pretty indifferent when I was a teenager, but seemed to get less ok as he aged. My eldest brother, has never been happy with my masculine appearance and every time I see him makes some sort of comment. My younger older brother has trans friends, but has become considerably more conservative as he ages. My mother is the wild card. She took me being bisexual really hard. She hated me being OUT. She told me I would ruin my father's medical practice when people found out. She said I would cause violence upon myself because I was out. She chilled out a lot over the years, and following a suicide attempt that ended me up on life support for many days, she has relaxed a lot. I still think she will be very worried about how others perceive her. I also know she was trying for a girl when she had me. My dad, like I said is a physician. I know he has treated trans patients, and thinks doctors who don't are stupid, but I don't know if this is simply because he thinks about the liability of treating any patient poorly. I know he knows I have trans friends, and don't shave, and am rather masculine, but he still refers to me as his baby girl, and gushes enthusiastically when I present as female. (Which I haven't done in about 2 years)
Right now my parents are helping me buy a house. I currently live in a rental of my fathers. They are helping me with a down payment. The house is under contract, and we are in the due diligence phase. I need to keep mum until the house goes through, simply as a precaution incase it goes terrible and my dad reacts terribly and would kick me out of my current house that he owns. But I do not want to come out as soon as the house closes, because I don't want them to feel like I just wanted the money. I however, know that my dad will catch on quick once the hormones start having an effect. He knows too much. I also have major guilt about lying and hiding. I am so not good at it.
I've already started letters. I have a plan to offer a book as well. The Transgender Child and/or Raising Ryland, are the two I've been thinking about so far, although I am up for other suggestions.
Any other ideas? Any hints you think I could drop to make it softer, that I am not already dropping? Anyone have medical knowledge or parents in the field that they have come out to?
Thanks for reading.
Pao