Susan's Place Transgender Resources

In a delicate fashion as to not offend. Or is it better to just come out with it?

In a bar, seriously?  Getting to know someone a bit before sexual intimacies occur does seem like a good idea.  Maybe knowing more about their heart than their parts is left for the romantic sorts?

If explicitly sexual goals are the prime mover then I guess your creativity is going to be tested and your risks for causing offense well earned. >:-) :angel:

Someone did ask me that question unprompted and I didn't answer - I respond by asking if they are circumcised.  They seemed startled and changed the subject.

That question is inappropriate unless you are getting ready to have sex with someone. If someone ever asked me that I would tell them to bugger off, no matter who it was.

Send a text message.  ::)

No, seriously, my or anyone else's medical history is nobody's business, at least until we get into a very personal relationship. Then it is time to be open and honest.

" send a text message "  Lol 😂

Or you could do it like one jackass did to me. I was having dinner with a guy and I quietly told him I was trans. His response:  OMG, DO YOU STILL HAVE A DICK??  Everyone in the restaurant knew I was trans after that. And no, there was no second date.

It is an unwritten rule that somebody who is trans never ask if another is trans. It might be taken as they don't pass effectively and that can hurt. For somebody who is CIS, you shouldn't ask unless the relationship has reached the point were you are considering sex. It is possible this approach could backfire when used with CIS woman as you would deserve the slap on the face you would most likely receive.

You don't if you know what is good for you...

Laurie

Quote from: Dena on May 27, 2017, 02:30:38 PM
you shouldn't ask unless the relationship has reached the point were you are considering sex.

When your relationship is at that point, it is appropriate to ask general health questions, such as "Any history of STD?" or "How many children do you want?" or even "What are your previous sexual experiences?" and of course there is the catch all question "Is there anything else I need to know?"

You don't. If you get home later and find something you don't like you say "Oh, hey, I really don't care for penises but we can do other stuff."   :)

Hugs, Devlyn

Imagine how a cis woman would respond to someone asking if she has a penis. It is never appropriate to ask a question like that in public.

You don't, especially in a bar where alcohol is involved lol that could go completely left very quick.

Um
(https://www.tenor.co/sLeP.gif)


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Don't.

Well, unless you ask everyone you meet in that bar, trans or cis, for details about what's in their pants. In which case, you're likely not going to be popular, but at least you'll be an equal-opportunity offender.

It really depends your intention

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Quote from: dearlybeloved on May 27, 2017, 01:14:16 PM
In a delicate fashion as to not offend. Or is it better to just come out with it?

Ask her out and you'll find. If she's interested in you

I'd say that even if the question wasn't in a bar/was asked later, it's still pretty offensive, unless the person has indicated to you that they want to talk about/intend to do certain types of medical transition.  "pre" and "post" op imply that there is a single operation that is necessary to successfully "complete" transition, and that if someone is trans-identified, that is 100% what they will do.

Some people want to change their genitals, and some people don't, some people experience genital dysphoria, and some people don't, some people can afford surgeries, and some people can't, some people who desire surgeries are healthy enough to have them, and some people aren't.  By asking that question in the way you've posed it, you're reducing the life and desirability of a trans person down to the most visible Oprah-style basic/invasive question that every stranger wants to know. 

A better thing to do might be picking up an educational book on having sex with transgender people (there's several pretty good ones that can help you learn how to ask people respectful questions about how to talk about and engage with their body, and understand the different ways that bodies work, including things you may want to know about the effects of different kinds of medical transition, etc), and learn to be comfortable or at least respectful of the complexity and wonderful variety of human bodies that can go with any particular gender identity. 

I really hate that question and don't think someone needs to ask me that unless we are getting ready to have sex. I don't like it no matter how it's worded but I really hate when a guy says "do you still have your dick? "  If a guy has to ask I prefer " have you had the surgery?" Maybe I'm weird but I HATE having someone call it a "dick" .  It might be silly but I can't help it. It makes my skin crawl to hear it called that in reference to me. It didnt really bother me before transition but it does now. Unfortunately guys my age aren't good at asking things delicately.

I think the wrong part here is talking in terms of that specific person before having intimacy is agreed by the girl. Unless that is agreed, the man has no business to know at all, and asking the question is akin to ask may I see you naked to any girl before even a first date.

However, I understand the guy. He might feel attracted to a girl but don't want to invest his time, effort, emotions and money to pursue that intimacy if he expects the end result is out of reach entirely.

So maybe speak not of the lady, but of yourself instead? I wouldn't take it too offensive if the guy would indicate his unwillingness to deal with any penises but his s own, or that he really only likes vaginal sex at some point in time during the bar chat, before asking if she would be interested to go on a date with him. I'd think the lady would take the hint and either disclose or just turn the offer down if she isn't interested in such guy or cannot be a good partner for him for any reason without disclosing her personal medical information.


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I don't think that is appropriate to ask people don't go around asking how big a guys d*ck is or how tight is a girl v*gnina is. So I would not ask or give a response

So the conversation goes:

"Hi, what's your name?"

"Do you come here often?"

"Where do you work?"

"Okay, so tell me abut your genitals . . ."

Nope.  I don't think it's gonna work!

Quote from: Kendra on May 27, 2017, 01:41:12 PM
Someone did ask me that question unprompted and I didn't answer - I respond by asking if they are circumcised.  They seemed startled and changed the subject.

Oh kendra : i thought i was the only one who thought about this one! Thank you!

Easy to do - if someone asks an inappropriate question, toss it back.   :-)

To me it matters in what kind of club or bar.

I never initiate such questions with men, as that is not relevant.

If someone (a man) asked that in a non-LGBT bar/club, I would tell them to go away.
With women, so not likely to happen and I would never ask because to me it doesn't matter what they have.
If they are Trans, I would only smile and see if they even want to talk.

In an LGBT club/bar, Men don't directly ask as they assume you maybe Pre, But I save them the time and trouble and explain that I may not have what they want.  If that is too confusing I just tell them to go away.
If they are cool with that we then can get down to more serious questions.

Again with women and don't assume they are Trans, so I don't ask as it doesn't matter what they have.
If they are a CD, don't really need to ask.
If they are Trans, don't ask as it doesn't matter to me.

Well, maybe the type or name of establishment does set a context but I would still be offended in most (but not all) circumstances.

Traveling through Ohio I saw a bar called The Winking Lizard.  Really.

Everyone here is saying "you don't" but honestly, I've been wanting a way to talk to someone else who is trans.  I've worked with a few people where I thought they could be trans, but I never said anything because I "didn't want to offend" them.  I often think back about how much better our relationship would have been if we both knew we were trans, but since it's such a sensitive area, there's no easy way to make it work.

The easiest way would be to simply say, "Hey, I'm trans." and then maybe they would share their experience as well, but that puts you in a bad situation if they are not trans after all.
~Ashley

By Asking the Question, "Can I Ask personal question?" first. I think is best.
This way is like asking for permission or as close as you can get. And if you say no, then the next is not asked. If you say Yes they will ask, and it is mostly this question that follows. If your interested respond with which would you prefer, then your in luck, or sorry to disappoint.

And if your not interested, that's none of your business, usually drops the hint.