Susan's Place Transgender Resources

I am an older male to female, I have only recently embraced the fact that I am transgender after many years of confusion and feelings of shame, have spent the last few months cruising the charity shops to build up a wardrobe on the cheap, I think I have found a look that is passable with the aid of a wig, I am now desperate to leave the house but I am terrified of not passing, any tips please.(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20170527/62afb4641f07950c70f4182dec5f64c9.jpg)

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If I was going to go here is what I would do:
If possible a LGBT friendly area, around dusk or early part of the night, and in a visible place with a lot of people, safety in number.

You have to believe in your look, if you looked worried people will pay more attention to you and look to see why you are worrying.

The key is CONFIDENCE!

Things I've learned about passing...
1. Dress to match society.  Look around, dress the same.
2. Easy on the make up.  Less is more 😉
3. If you pass at all, LGBT neighbor will be nice and friendly, but they will know your secret.
4. LGBT friendly area (not in a hostile area) may or may not clock you.

Note that 3 & 4 are from experience.  In the gay/trans section of town I stand out as trans while in a friendly town I get nothing but ma'am and miss.  One place didn't want to take my male driver's license.

I think the important thing is: DRESS TO BLEND IN.

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Hi Taylor!

Yes.... Erika is right!!! Confidence can be the lions share of passing sometimes! A person who is uncomfortable in their surroundings can be spotted from a good distance away... As can your walk and body language.. Head up!!! Don't look at the ground... However tempting!!! :)

Yes again!!! ... As Erika and Denise both noted... Go someplace you will feel safe, dress like everyone else...and a friend who would accompany you could be helpful!!

It is easy the first time going out en femme to picture it going down like the end of an old Frankenstein movie with villagers chasing you with torches and pitchforks!!!... The reality is nobody cares... It is almost anti climactic!!!... People are generally pretty self involved or staring at their phone!!! Anyway... I recently posted some thoughts about passing  and not letting fear hold you back here

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,224122.0.html

You may find some of my thoughts there worth considering... I will be sending good thoughts for you getting everything out of the experience that you want... It is a brave step to show the world who you are!!!... Even if they are texting on their phone while you are doing it!!! :)

Onward we go brave girl!!!

Ashley :)

Some thoughts from when I was into cross dressing:

As others have mentioned, find a safe place where you'll fit in.  I used to attend a cross dresser's group and also go to "Fetish Nights".

Again, dress like the people where you're going.  I've seen more than a few cross dressers really make themselves obvious, by dressing inappropriately for the setting.

Relax and enjoy.

Thank you so much for your advice, makes me feel slightly less nervous, I think I will do as advised and scope out a LGBT area first so I know what I am walking into, one of the biggest worries is the make-up, never used it before and it takes some getting used to.

Hugs and thanks to all

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Hello Taylor

You give no reference where you live.  But in most city areas there may be TG support groups, that you can attend and get some advice and help.  There may also be some makeover people that can help with makeup and dressing.  Some also provide photographing so you can see how you look with different looks.  We have one woman in the WASH DC and will provide such services, and she will arrange an outing with others for support at local clubs.

In WASH DC we also have a meetup group (we get some 50-100 gals at these meetups) that has a monthly or so outing at hotels in the area.  The staff is very accepting of our groups, brings in a fair amount of money to same.

I was able to go to Lesbian clubs when I first started going out, 40 years ago most Gay clubs did not care for the TG/TS or CDs.  Nowadays LGBT friendly clubs won't usually have much problems.  You may meet others that can help.

Hi Georgette I actually live in Crewe in the UK, if I could find a support group locally that would be great, if they had someone who could help me with learning to properly apply makeup that would be amazing, thanks for your thoughts definitely worth a look.

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I am firm believer in "99% of Passing is Attitude" after two utter fail transition experiments years ago when the dark cloud of "Some guy in a dress" enveloped me.

If you've spent any sort of time observing "real" women, as in those out and about in everyday life, you'll see they come all shapes, sizes, and extreme lack of "Super Model" looks. Do they ever spend their time worrying about being clocked?

Funny you should say that Joanne since I first entertained going public I find myself observing most women I encounter, possibly hoping that there is a trick to looking feminine, you are correct they come in all shapes and sizes with varying degrees of attractiveness, none of them seemingly  concerned with if they look womanly, I think perhaps you are right and confidence in yourself could be a key factor in not standing out.



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I had been in public for over 3 years when I met my roommate. She had done part time in controlled environments a few times but really didn't have much public experience. One day she wanted to go to the shopping mall so I went with her. I was completely relaxed in the mall but just a glance at her and I could see the nerves and her looking around all over the place. A guy sitting on the side of the mall had picked up on her and his stares were re enforcing her nerves and I think that cause me to be read as well. I remained cool and attempted to distract her and move her away from the guy who spotted her. That was the best example I ever had of how nerves or acting out of the normal will be your downfall.

It must be an awful feeling when the thing you fear the most actually happens, I feel for your friend and can imagine if your confidence is low it would be very easy to become slightly paranoid, well done for stepping in, it's nice to have someone looking out for you.

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Taylor,
I know how difficult this is. I was absolutely terrified when I first started trying
to present as Kath. Just small steps can give you confidence help you feel more
comfortable. I remember when I wore a bit of nail polish and was certain that
everyone would notice but I doubt anyone even did. But with every small step
I felt more sure of myself and eventually was able to come out full time.
Be strong, be brave, be yourself.

Quote from: tgirlamc on May 27, 2017, 09:03:20 PM
Hi Taylor!

Yes.... Erika is right!!! Confidence can be the lions share of passing sometimes! A person who is uncomfortable in their surroundings can be spotted from a good distance away... As can your walk and body language.. Head up!!! Don't look at the ground... However tempting!!! :)

Yes again!!! ... As Erika and Denise both noted... Go someplace you will feel safe, dress like everyone else...and a friend who would accompany you could be helpful!!

It is easy the first time going out en femme to picture it going down like the end of an old Frankenstein movie with villagers chasing you with torches and pitchforks!!!... The reality is nobody cares... It is almost anti climactic!!!... People are generally pretty self involved or staring at their phone!!! Anyway... I recently posted some thoughts about passing  and not letting fear hold you back here

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,224122.0.html

You may find some of my thoughts there worth considering... I will be sending good thoughts for you getting everything out of the experience that you want... It is a brave step to show the world who you are!!!... Even if they are texting on their phone while you are doing it!!! :)

Onward we go brave girl!!!

Ashley :)

Hi TG, nice to see you back! Need your wisdom ... love the "onward we go" mantra you have, it inspires me!

Quote from: Sinclair on May 28, 2017, 10:42:42 PM
Hi TG, nice to see you back! Need your wisdom ... love the "onward we go" mantra you have, it inspires me!

Thank You My Friend!!! :)

Quote from: Taylorgirl on May 28, 2017, 06:14:13 AM
Hi Georgette I actually live in Crewe in the UK, if I could find a support group locally that would be great, if they had someone who could help me with learning to properly apply makeup that would be amazing

I see Crewe is not far from Manchester.  About 20 miles it looks like.  I don't have specifics but Manchester has a busy TG stuff.  They have this big event there called Sparkle.  It is held on JUL 7-9 this year.  They have a variety of events and setups.

http://www.sparkle.org.uk/ (http://www.sparkle.org.uk/)

I live down in the south east,  but I chose Manchester as the place to spend my first whole weekend presenting as Megan and getting out in public. I was nervous,  but after a day out shopping and dining in the city,  and then a trip to the arndale centre, my confidence was up,  and I had no issues,  a very accepting city.
On the makeup front,  I booked a session at a Mac store a while back,  they are fantastic,  and I got plenty of great tips. X

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Thanks for the link Georgette, I will give it a go, thank you for taking the time out to help, Megan it sounds like you had a good day in Manchester, what and where is a Mac store.

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Mac is a leading makeup brand (other brands are available 😉). They have a couple of stores in Manchester (I visited their Covent Garden store in London). Most of their stores offer makeup lessons at a fee but which can be recouped on purchases. They see everyone and everything,  so should be totally accepting regardless how you present.  Remember that many cis-women struggle with makeup too,  just be honest with them on what look you'd like and ask lots of questions! Lots of info on their website.

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Thanks, will definitely be taking a look at that.

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I can only concur with the wisdom of these other ladies...Having a pretty face helps but only to a certain extent, passing is about so many things and depending what you actually mean by passing...blending in with the cis women around you? or Being able to present yourself to a GP and them not realise you were assigned the opposite gender at birth.

It does not matter how feminie/masculine you look and behave if you do not have any belief in yourself. Until you find some of that belief you will not pass.

I am not sure how I would be perceived by others, all I see when I look in the mirror is me, it would be nice to get a second opinion before taking the leap even if this means taking some constructive criticism , think I need to make contact with some like minded individuals locally and get some much needed support.

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Back when I was into cross dressing, I thought the same thing, I was just a guy in drag.  However, there were a couple of occasions when someone mentioned they thought I actually was a woman.  However, there have been many times over the years when I've looked at a cis woman and thought she was a man.  So, there's no hard line in there.

I like most thought alot about passing early in my transition. My view now is that it's a 'nice to have'. I dress and present in a manner that should be quite obvious to others how I would like to be gendered, I expect to be treated politely and respectfully,  like any other person.

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Quote from: meganjames2 on May 29, 2017, 06:30:20 AM
I dress and present in a manner that should be quite obvious to others how I would like to be gendered, I expect to be treated politely and respectfully,  like any other person.

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In the big picture of how transgender people should be regarded in society... I think what Megan said here is at the heart of the matter

Onward we go!!!

Ashley :)

I also agree with Megan. When I first started going out I felt a need to "Pass" but did not have the skills or poise to accomplish it. It took me a while to become comfortable but I found that if I presented acceptably (tried to blend in with looks and mannerisms) and respected those I interacted with I was treated with respect whether I was read or not. Getting to that point was when I began to really feel comfortable being me anyplace. Good luck! - Anne

Quote from: Anne Blake on May 29, 2017, 05:25:49 PM
.....Getting to that point was when I began to really feel comfortable being me anyplace. Good luck! - Anne

I think you are spot on Anne, pass not pass it becomes less relevant as you progress. As Megan said it if happens its nice but I will settle for simple respect...there is no way, anyone, upon seeing me, cannot tell I am presenting myself to the world as a woman. The rest is just ignorance