Susan's Place Transgender Resources

This is just a question I have pondered. I have only realized my female identity just about a year ago. I have been going through a lot of conflict and struggle to come to some sort of resolution for myself. I have decided that the best choice for me is not to transition. I know that I want my anatomy to be female and wish I could be a woman. I know that a lot of you on this website feel compelled to transition in order to find peace of mind, which I fully understand and respect. I know it takes a lot of courage to do so.

So, what I have been wondering about is, "I am able to make a choice not to transition because I actually am not fully transgender and instead non-binary and lie somewhere between the extremes of the gender spectrum?" "Am I able to accept not transitioning because of a male part of my brain that coexists with the female part?"

I would be interested in other's opinions especially those that are able to not transition.

I considered myself gender fluid in idea, if not name, for 18 years. It worked for a while, just fine. Until it didn't. If that makes sense :)

--
"You do realize, this means you get to do character creation & the newbie zone all over again? :D"

We are all non-binary in a sense: we lie somewhere on a spectrum between a gender identity of male or female.  Some of us are close enough to one end or the other of that spectrum to call ourselves binary, and some aren't.  If your gender identity (whether you call yourself male, female or non-binary) doesn't match your genitals, you are transgender.

So being non-binary, if that is what you are, does not make you "not transgender enough".

You are able to choose not to transition because you are not ready to do so.  (Yet.)  Maybe you will eventually decide to transition; maybe you won't.  It has nothing to do with being not trans enough or being non-binary.  It just means that the negatives of transition outweight the positives for now.

We all have a combination of male and female traits.  Even cis people do.  Trans folks especially do, because we have our innate sense of gender, plus we have all the learned experiences of the gender we were raised in. 

Perhaps that makes your decision easier for you.  Anything that makes life easier is good.

I think the current school of thought with trans activism is that they are a woman if they identify as one. Therefore Danielle Muscato etc would be considered a woman, not non binary.

Between age 13 and 23 I was able to stuff my feeling back in the bottle because life wasn't ready for me to come out. Did that mean I wasn't fully transsexual or transgender? I don't think so. All I think it meant was my logical mind was able to overpower the feelings I was having and was attempting to keep me safe until the time was right.

I don't know what the future holds for you. You might change your mind and transition when conditions change with wife, family or life change. You may also be like some on the site where your emotions erupt because they can no longer be contained.

You are the only one who can say what you are. If you say you are transsexual, transgender, non binary or even CIS, I will accept that is what you are until you tell me differently.

Hey Karen,

Perhaps if our wishing wells or magic wands were real with revocable results this would be easier?   I really like Kathy's response and agree that non binary identified people are part of the transgender world.  We (in the USA) don't have great stats or data but clearly most people who might consider themselves transgender do not transition medically and/or surgically.  How many transition socially is anyone's guess as there are no census stats and no transition related medical care being documented.

Why is that?  If our own experiences, as so often told here, are any guide then Kathy has it right again; "It just means that the negatives of transition outweight the positives for now."  If it was easy, painless and free Susan's Place and gender dysphoria would not exist.  There are countless pages here of personal experience and testimonials about the very real pain, loss and risks people face to free themselves.

Transition can be very difficult and even seem impossible for a million reasons.  Our practice of self denial and coping often fail as dysphoria can be progressive and debilitating.  We often hear that it was "transition or die" and "I am not being brave, I had to transition to survive".

If you are content where you are then "resolution" is not needed and your conflicts would fade right?  Self acceptance and an internalized coexistence, however, do seem at odds with your aforementioned desire to be a woman with female anatomy?

Years into transition and I still have conflicts too and part of that may be for a similar reason.  The negatives on my list, when considering full on GCS, still out weigh the positives, for now....   So maybe we get better at managing our internal conflicts and gracefully accept our limitations, for now....

I would have to say it depends on the individual. What you think you see may not be accurate. If one is not transitioning, that person may be considering it, or perhaps cannot, for whatever reason. Maybe he or she simply does not want to, for whatever reason.

Not necessarily. There are some non-binary people that do transition fully also, non-binary and non-transitioning are two different things.

I was not in a position to transition when I first started posting here about 4 years ago, and did come to the conclusion that I must be non-binary back then. If gender is a spectrum though, I perhaps am very close to binary trans woman, but not quite there. I feel like I have a lot in common with both binary trans women and non-binary people, I lost way too much sleep trying to label myself.  I'm not full time, and I don't know when or if I will be able to present as Veronica professionally. I don't think now that by itself makes me genderfluid, just pragmatic and needing to pay the bills.

In my case, I guess I'm non-binary for now as my in-process transition moves forward at an intentionally glacial pace. I present to everyone as a feminine male. Had I my druthers, I most certainly would be living as the woman that I am. A somewhat masculine woman I imagine, both in looks and some mannerisms. I'll get there someday.

That being said, I also totally agree with Kathy that it is a spectrum thing. Do I still have dysphoria? Yes of course. This is the path that to me presents the least amount of turbulence. There's an interesting book called "Evolutions Rainbow". The author, a biologist, talks about how in many species there are multiple genders. I recall there was a fish species that has 3 female genders (at least one of which are cis-male bodied at birth) and 2 male genders. Hyena females are far more masculine (right down to the genitals) than the males. In human cultures prior to monotheistic patriarchal-religion, "two-spirit" people were revered and highly valued as shamans and warriors and wives and advisors.

I guess I'm the opposite of your question.  I am transitioning, but I am "really" non-binary.

But what does "really non-binary" mean, anyway?  Non-binary, transgender, man, woman.  These are all just words we've invented to try to make sense of the confusing mess that is our realities.

If referring to someone as "non-binary" helps you better understand and be a kind and supportive person, go ahead.  And if they don't feel it helps them to be called non-binary, then don't insist that they agree.  Because a lot depends upon how you're looking at the same reality.

For that matter, the same is true of "man" and "woman."  For some purposes (e.g., some medical stuff), considering me to be a man makes the most sense.  For others (e.g., how I live my life), "woman" fits better.  But when it comes to my "gender identity", well, I don't have one.  Inside, away from society and the demands of the body, I'm just me.  Hence, non-binary.

I think your question is interesting... Because I don't wish to transition myself and am at peace with who I am.

Being non binary is not a problem to some, I know a lot of people who lies from here to there on the gender spectrum because their gender expression is a very personal.

I have a "post op trans female friend" who wants to be identified as woman and not as a transgender woman, some who want to be identified as transwomen, I guess some are proud of the journey, where the destination is the only thing that matter to the other. It's a matter of choice, but what matter the most is to be at peace with your own self.

If you feel feminine express it, you don't need a genetic makeup, papers, a vagina or even secondary sexual characteristic or "the full package" to do so.
If you feel good as you are, express yourself right away and don't be afraid to explore every side of your femininity and if one day you need more to feel complete then maybe you will feel the need to transition.
When you are non binary, the pressure comes from outside, it can be more difficult but confidence can be contagious, it's up to you to spread the confidence you have in yourself and make people see you just as you do.

For my part I just want a smoother face, not a "complete" facial feminization, but don't with to transition otherwise.
Feel free to ask me any question if you think I can help.

A wonderful journey awaits you.
LoveLuvLv. Kael

Might be better not to put a label on it.

Like a bunch of others mentioned one of my early coping mechanisms was to say I wanted to be able to flip flop between genders... But for me, that wasn't because I wanted to be both male and female. I wanted, and still want to be female, am female deep inside, I just wanted to be able to switch to make it easier socially, I could live a double life, I didn't realize at the time that nothing about being male really clicked with me at all, if I did get that power I'd probably have flip flopped a few times, but then stayed female anyway. Basically that's the question to ask, if you could change back and forth, would you only be male when you're around people who already know your male self, or would you actually WANT to be male sometimes? That's the difference between non-binary and trans feminine.

There isn't one path or another that's inherently better, only the one better for you, what I mean is, while your path would be a mistake for me, it's likely the best way forward for you, you're not any less "trans", you just have different circumstances.

definately, I agree, that's why I said
" what matter the most is to be at peace with your own self. "

when It comes to binary it's even more complicated. When I was a kid I wanted to be grance jones lol. Some want to be david bowie, I wanted to be grace jones.
Back to a few years ago I would switch back ond forth but not anymore. I would not say that I "want" to be male sometimes, just more feminine as a whole but a little less sometime.

Transitioning or not transitioning has almost nothing to do with precise gender identity or orientation issues in many cases.  The decision to transition or not may be controlled by external factors; access to funds or employment; access to or lack of treatment; legal and cultural restrictions that cannot be worked around; family issues, and so on.

In some ways we may try to strike a bargain, a sort of balance between addressing our internal needs to express our identity, and our needs to maintain our lives and connections with others close to us.

I did this much of my adult life, not transitioning and suppressing myself for the need to maintain my family, social connections, and employment.  I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that I was a transgender person, and I also knew that transitioning, or revealing myself in any way would put everything I had at risk.  I knew this from my experiences growing up, my being caught and 'cured' of my 'evil ways'.

Eventually that balance shifted, and the need to be myself outweighed the risks.  I began transition, in a very fortunate place were I had adequate funds, and did not need to rely on employment.  I formed new social connections, and after losing my family and home was able to transfer my need for family to a more accepting group of people.

I wasn't non-binary all those years.  I'm not non-binary now.  I very strongly identify as a woman, and now, finally, I can express that identity and medically transition to remove the dysphoria.

I think it depends, on how they identify, the best example I can give you is someone I know who goes by their name when asked what their gender is, they are not he her or them...

I talked to my therapist about my "approach" to handling the glacial pace that things move or just plain stall in my life. Reality said, when I see or think of myself as "Transitioning" I can easily get myself depressed over the lack of any further transitioning. For now, I am sort of stuck in this middle ground between needing to live a male oriented life, while having a femaleish body now, and wanting that piece, and peace, of a female life that I once had. To me that sounds like Non-Binary to me.

She said don't worry about labels. But it did sort of help for a while

Hi hun,
There are binary folk who don't transition, and there are no binary folk who choose not to transition - like many here their journey to that point is similar, and as one who has chosen not to transition, (yet!), it has themes...

Dysphoria - we think we can manage - in the main we do, until we cannot. How we do it is individual to each person, but in the main, it allows us to maintain a status quo of sorts for some time.

Commitments - we have family, or work commitments that we are honouring, above ourselves - it's not healthy for us, but again it's about a status quo of sorts.

Fear. This is common too, of what we may be like (internal transphobia), struggle with confidence, or assertiveness; work in a highly gender biased area, or live in a community that is further along a political spectrum, and we can maintain appearances.

I am not out and proud to the world, but my partner knows, and the folk here. we are able to keep me healthy and happy enough. No I'm not living an authentic life in the main, but I am able to manage the need to do something, anything, about my dysphoria, for the time being.

Does it have anything to do with whether we are binary or non-binary - no, personally I dont think so - more that we have found a place where we can manage for now.

We know we are trans, and for me personally, I can mange each day for now - but are aware that this can change.

Hopefully this is a little insight into my choice to not transition at this time

(Hugs)


Rowan

Quote from: Sno on June 03, 2017, 02:00:09 PM
Hi hun,
There are binary folk who don't transition, and there are no binary folk who choose not to transition - like many here their journey to that point is similar, and as one who has chosen not to transition, (yet!), it has themes...

Dysphoria - we think we can manage - in the main we do, until we cannot. How we do it is individual to each person, but in the main, it allows us to maintain a status quo of sorts for some time.

Commitments - we have family, or work commitments that we are honouring, above ourselves - it's not healthy for us, but again it's about a status quo of sorts.

Fear. This is common too, of what we may be like (internal transphobia), struggle with confidence, or assertiveness; work in a highly gender biased area, or live in a community that is further along a political spectrum, and we can maintain appearances.

I am not out and proud to the world, but my partner knows, and the folk here. we are able to keep me healthy and happy enough. No I'm not living an authentic life in the main, but I am able to manage the need to do something, anything, about my dysphoria, for the time being.

Does it have anything to do with whether we are binary or non-binary - no, personally I dont think so - more that we have found a place where we can manage for now.

We know we are trans, and for me personally, I can mange each day for now - but are aware that this can change.

Hopefully this is a little insight into my choice to not transition at this time

(Hugs)

Rowan

i think you are absolutely spot on....