Susan's Place Transgender Resources

It's not that she doesn't support trans people it's just that she feels like she'd be losing me if I changed. Because I'd look and act like a different person. And she also isn't attracted to girls. I want to transition but I love her more than anything and don't want to lose her.

That's hard. I haven't been in that situation but I wonder, if you don't transition because of her will you start resenting her later. If that happened then the relationship would be over anyway. I get that she isn't attracted to females but does she want you to pretend to be what you aren't and be miserable just to keep you the way she likes you? That sounds like kind of selfish to me.

Quote from: Julia1996 on June 17, 2017, 10:00:53 AM
That's hard. I haven't been in that situation but I wonder, if you don't transition because of her will you start resenting her later. If that happened then the relationship would be over anyway. I get that she isn't attracted to females but does she want you to pretend to be what you aren't and be miserable just to keep you the way she likes you? That sounds like kind of selfish to me.

She said she'd support me completely and she wants me to be who I want but I asked her if she'd be fine with it deep down and she told me what she felt about it but she said she felt like an ->-bleeped-<- cause she doesn't want to force me to be someone I don't want to be

Hand as it is to hear you need to do what's right for you to improve your mental health. You can bury dysphoria for years but it will always find ways to come back.

Transitioning changing you is what many cis people think will happen. In reality you'll become more confident and more comfortable within yourself. And it's possible that although she may not be exclusively attracted to women you may be her exception.

Maybe go to a trans group together so you can talk to other couples together.  And remember to not stop communicating and to not forget your mental health needs to come first.

I have just been in this situation with my wife & it really hard to decided which path to chose but in the end my dysphoria just came back with a vengeance, in the end I lost my & home but it was transition or die, try going to counciling together. Sara

You understand what you'd like and you understand what you have.  So the question is what can you live with? 

I say I'm Non-Binary, but there is a big piece of me that wonders if that is just how I come to terms with my current decision to not do a full transition.  I know how far down on the feminine scale I feel and have always felt.  I'm 52 and next year I will have been married for 30.  I have social standing, professional standing, community standing.  I have kids.  Society gives us every reason to conform, and to not do so scares the hell out of me sometimes. 

I have aped being male for so long that even if I did transition, I can't help but wonder what kind of disaster that would be. 

So I ask myself the same question - What can I live with?  As I got into my therapy,  I used the first year to figure out who I was and the next two to figure out what to do about it.  Doing nothing wasn't an option.  So I keep adding things and my happiness keeps going up.  Not going zero to sixty has helped give my wife time to mentally catch up.  If we were still dating, I am pretty sure she'd sound just like your girlfriend. 

I wish I had an easy answer for you.  I wish I had one for me.  The best I can tell you is that I find when I am facing a big problem or issue, sometimes it gets easier to solve if you can break it up into a bunch of smaller problems/issues.  What ever you do, keep being honest with you and keep being honest with her.  I hope everything works out for you the way that you want. 
 

I hate to be a Doggy Downer but the most important part of your post is "girl friend".  You didn't say "wife".

This hurts but maybe cutting loose is best for all.

My 32 year marriage is about to end.

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Quote from: Denise on June 17, 2017, 03:32:07 PM
I hate to be a Doggy Downer but the most important part of your post is "girl friend".  You didn't say "wife".

This hurts but maybe cutting loose is best for all.

My 32 year marriage is about to end.

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I have to agree, especially if no kids are involved. People change over time and very often the person we love with all our heart can become a stranger again.

The only person you will have to live with until you die, is you. Don't sacrifice yourself...

Quote from: Thessa on June 17, 2017, 03:55:26 PM
I have to agree, especially if no kids are involved. People change over time and very often the person we love with all our heart can become a stranger again.

The only person you will have to live with until you die, is you. Don't sacrifice yourself...

Usually that makes sense but I'd probably give my life for her.

Lost my marriage too. I know some survive,  but I kinda agree with Denise.

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If you choose not to transition for her sake at least share with her that if you really are trans, This will revisit you sooner or later as it does every trans woman.
      If you truly are transsexual, this will dog you to your dying day. She should know that up front. Then, 20 years from now when you can't do the guy thing any longer, at least she'll have no feet to lay blame at and perhaps you'll be able to salvage a long relationship since no one was deceived or cheated.
If OTOH, your not trans and this is pink fog, none of my advice will mean anything since she obviously has no problem with your cross dressing.

Hi I am in a similar position the girl that I have been seeing for 7 years she is also my partner at work we were looking at pictures and I said my face has changed, and she said I know I am losing (myname)  and now have been crying for 2 hours on how I have hurt her 

I'd say, go to counseling, talk through your feelings without any specific agenda or decision in mind. Invite your GF to talk to your counselor too. Communication is the key, maybe you'll find a happy medium place, maybe she would start to see you aren't changing after all.


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Quote from: jentay1367 on June 17, 2017, 04:13:44 PM
If you choose not to transition for her sake at least share with her that if you really are trans, This will revisit you sooner or later as it does every trans woman.
      If you truly are transsexual, this will dog you to your dying day. She should know that up front. Then, 20 years from now when you can't do the guy thing any longer, at least she'll have no feet to lay blame at and perhaps you'll be able to salvage a long relationship since no one was deceived or cheated.
If OTOH, your not trans and this is pink fog, none of my advice will mean anything since she obviously has no problem with your cross dressing.

I've had this feeling for almost two years so idk if it's a phase but I do know that I'm not 100% sure.

Quote from: ErosNightleaf on June 17, 2017, 03:58:07 PM
Usually that makes sense but I'd probably give my life for her.

That's very noble.  And that's possibly what your decision will cost: a lifetime of being unfulfilled.  Add the possibility you may make her regret loving you as well.

I am not trying to minimize your love and commitment to your girlfriend. From the sound of it, I believe you love her and she loves you. I just want to gently caution you on the repercussions of your decision.  You are young, with your whole life in front of you.  I am old, with a 20-year marriage in ruins, and estranged from my young sons.  All my life I swore I could beat this; it was just a matter of willpower. Those transgender feelings are like the Terminator.  It will Never. Ever. Stop. 

Best case is you find an accommodation that works for both of you.  But as far as change, well, I guarantee you will change, and so will she.  That is what life is about.

With kindness,

Terri

Quote from: ErosNightleaf on June 17, 2017, 04:30:13 PM
I've had this feeling for almost two years so idk if it's a phase but I do know that I'm not 100% sure.

Then your first course of action should be to share your thoughts and feelings with a gender therapist. It will be much easier to make a valid decision that will enhance your future once you discover what you need and want. You cannot get to your destination if you don't know what that may be. Once you do know, you can make a map and head there.
Good luck to you my friend.

Yeah. Same situation here, soft of. My wanting to transition stems from a deep seated jealousy of, only certain feminine roles. I am a sexual submissive male. I am just so sick of always being the one do be dominant. I have had, in the last 10 years, about 4 girlfriends, who were all sexual subs.

If I were a woman I could live the submissive lifestyle and it would look RIGHT. Because, generally, Women are geared towards submission right? Or at least, that's what the multitude of ***n society dictates.

I don't look in the mirror and hate myself. Actually I find many things about my figure that, albeit are femme traits, that look awesome. I actually really enjoy just being dressed in a tied back robe and tight hipster boxers.

The thing is, those of us still attracted to Women are caught between a rock and a hard place. I, like you, have deep feelings for my girlfriend of 4 years. But, she is not attracted to Women. And after light nights convo and me telling her that my acceptance of my non-binary submissive nature has left me feeling much happier. the convo ended when she mentioned, and well within her right to do so, that her fantasy is "the strength of a man". I wanted to vomit.

Quote from: ErosNightleaf on June 17, 2017, 09:49:24 AM
It's not that she doesn't support trans people it's just that she feels like she'd be losing me if I changed. Because I'd look and act like a different person. And she also isn't attracted to girls. I want to transition but I love her more than anything and don't want to lose her.

Well, according to my wife, I am just as annoying as I ever was.  ;D  Transitioning doesn't change who you are.  You are the same person you always were, except you become happier and more relaxed, more yourself.

You can't make her like being with the real you.  People are entitled to their likes and their dislikes.  All you have control over is what you do.  If you put your transition on hold, the dysphoria will not go away.  It will come back and it will get worse.  You should consider what that will mean for you, and the two of you should discuss that and what it means for the two of you.

Quote from: suntanlotion on June 17, 2017, 07:23:48 PM
Yeah. Same situation here, soft of. My wanting to transition stems from a deep seated jealousy of, only certain feminine roles. I am a sexual submissive male. I am just so sick of always being the one do be dominant. I have had, in the last 10 years, about 4 girlfriends, who were all sexual subs.

If I were a woman I could live the submissive lifestyle and it would look RIGHT. Because, generally, Women are geared towards submission right? Or at least, that's what the multitude of ***n society dictates.

I don't look in the mirror and hate myself. Actually I find many things about my figure that, albeit are femme traits, that look awesome. I actually really enjoy just being dressed in a tied back robe and tight hipster boxers.

The thing is, those of us still attracted to Women are caught between a rock and a hard place. I, like you, have deep feelings for my girlfriend of 4 years. But, she is not attracted to Women. And after light nights convo and me telling her that my acceptance of my non-binary submissive nature has left me feeling much happier. the convo ended when she mentioned, and well within her right to do so, that her fantasy is "the strength of a man". I wanted to vomit.

You can be as submissive as a male as you wish without any transition. My wife is a dominant in our relationship


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Lucky... It's a wicked fun role. I work out of home so I have a lot of time to give and I aim to please! Rather than Hijack the post; OP, I feel ya...

It isn't as simple as I have gender dysphoria and if I don't transition I will live a depressed, unfulfilled life. Life is complex.

Sure, living according to your true self is extremely important, but so is deep love for another. I have been married for 32 years and not so long ago came out to my wife. To make a long story short, she fell in love with a man(me) and is only attracted to men. Even if she stayed married to me she couldn't be intimate. I resented her and felt that she didn't understand what I was struggling with, until one day I realized that I am wired a certain way, but so is she. Why should I resent her for wanting to live according to her own true self. I also realized how very much I loved her and that a decision to transition would result in losing her and living alone.

I felt I was in a no win situation - if I transitioned I would be miserable and depressed because of losing her and likely other relationships in my life. If I didn't I would face years of gender dysphoria. It finally occurred to me that it is my life and I can chose to live it the way I wish. Instead of being mired in the no win situation, I chose to not transition, but accept myself for who I am. I was supposed to be a woman and am genetically and physically male. For me, I don't need to look like a woman to accept myself mentally. I also decided that my love for my wife and other people in my life is a strong force, as well. So now I am at peace, accepting myself without beating myself up over how I should look or behave and basking in the absolute beautiful light of love. I have stepped outside of myself to give my energy outward to those that I love so dearly and in return I have found their love to be that much more greater.

Quote from: ErosNightleaf on June 17, 2017, 09:49:24 AM
It's not that she doesn't support trans people it's just that she feels like she'd be losing me if I changed. Because I'd look and act like a different person. And she also isn't attracted to girls. I want to transition but I love her more than anything and don't want to lose her.

You can try to stuff the GD away. It can be done. Many of us have been there before. Life is all about change and balancing any number of conflicting needs and wants. Do you "Need" to transition? Or is it a want? How badly for either? Are there other options for managing your particular flavor of GD? How sure are you of where you are on the spectrum?

When facing a difficult life question I found that asking one simple question gives the best answer:
"Which Pain is Worse?"

Quote from: jentay1367 on June 17, 2017, 04:49:56 PM
Then your first course of action should be to share your thoughts and feelings with a gender therapist. It will be much easier to make a valid decision that will enhance your future once you discover what you need and want. You cannot get to your destination if you don't know what that may be. Once you do know, you can make a map and head there.
Good luck to you my friend.

Talking to a gender therapist means I gotta come out to my parents

Quote from: ErosNightleaf on June 18, 2017, 09:43:37 AM
Talking to a gender therapist means I gotta come out to my parents

Better now than in 40 years, no?


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Quote from: elkie-t on June 18, 2017, 09:50:50 AM
Better now than in 40 years, no?

And you are in a much better place than we have been when we were your age.

I can tell you out of my own experience, waiting makes it just harder and more complicated.

Quote from: ErosNightleaf on June 18, 2017, 09:43:37 AM
Talking to a gender therapist means I gotta come out to my parents

All you have to tell your folks (and this is providing theyre paying or you're on their policy since otherwise it's only their business if you want it to be) is that you need to talk with someone about "feelings" you're dealing with. This is the sum total of what they need to know. They don't own your soul, regardless of your age.

Maybe until you decide what exactly you want to do you could do a few things to ease your desires. There are a few things you can do to feel more fem.

Let your hair grow out. Maybe try leaving it a little longer than you normally do. Maybe add a few blonde highlights.  Of course if your parents would be ok with it you could grow your hair long. I've seen lots of guys with " man buns".

Clean up your eyebrows. Im not saying to arch them or anything. Just clean them up a little. Maybe your girlfriend would be willing to do this for you.

Do your cuticles. I've noticed that a lot of guys have raggy cuticles. Use some cuticle remover and then gently push them back. If you can't get cuticle remover soak your fingers in some warm soapy water and then push your cuticles back.

Use clear nail polish. If anyone notices it tell them its sour polish to keep you from biting your nails. Or just actually buy the sour polish. Its just clear polish with bitter flavoring. Or maybe use black nail polish. I've seen non goth guys with black nail polish.

Use cherry chap stick. It will give a red tinted gloss to your lips.

Use clear mascara.  It will separate your lashes and make them look slightly longer. But if you rub your eyes or get sweat in them there is no black stain to call you out.

Use tinted acne cream. A lot of acne cream comes in a tinted version.

Use moisturizer all over. Its never too early to start making your skin soft. Especially your hands. In addition to raggy cuticles a lot of guys have rough hands.

Try wearing more androgynous clothes. And maybe get some sneakers with pink or purple in them.
Julia

My two cents, if she won't be happy with you as the person you really are then you guys aren't meant to be together. 

I know it's harder to handle than it sounds, but it is the truth.  Don't waste your life trying to keep your significant other happy.  Because I'm the end, she won't be happy if you aren't happy. 

I'd point her to therapy and resources.  Often times people don't really change that much.  If anything they just become more relaxed (in my experience). 

Besides, you need to find someone who sees you as you are.  My girlfriend forgets I am trans honestly.  She just sees me as a guy and considers us a cis couple. 

I'm not saying that's the way everyone likes to be, but my point is that she sees who I am and not the body I was born in to.   


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Quote from: Julia1996 on June 18, 2017, 11:58:50 AM
Maybe until you decide what exactly you want to do you could do a few things to ease your desires. There are a few things you can do to feel more fem.

Let your hair grow out. Maybe try leaving it a little longer than you normally do. Maybe add a few blonde highlights.  Of course if your parents would be ok with it you could grow your hair long. I've seen lots of guys with " man buns".

Clean up your eyebrows. Im not saying to arch them or anything. Just clean them up a little. Maybe your girlfriend would be willing to do this for you.

Do your cuticles. I've noticed that a lot of guys have raggy cuticles. Use some cuticle remover and then gently push them back. If you can't get cuticle remover soak your fingers in some warm soapy water and then push your cuticles back.

Use clear nail polish. If anyone notices it tell them its sour polish to keep you from biting your nails. Or just actually buy the sour polish. Its just clear polish with bitter flavoring. Or maybe use black nail polish. I've seen non goth guys with black nail polish.

Use cherry chap stick. It will give a red tinted gloss to your lips.

Use clear mascara.  It will separate your lashes and make them look slightly longer. But if you rub your eyes or get sweat in them there is no black stain to call you out.

Use tinted acne cream. A lot of acne cream comes in a tinted version.

Use moisturizer all over. Its never too early to start making your skin soft. Especially your hands. In addition to raggy cuticles a lot of guys have rough hands.

Try wearing more androgynous clothes. And maybe get some sneakers with pink or purple in them.
Julia

Thanks:) My hair is already kind of long (kinda like this: https://pbs.twimg.com/profile_images/837055457483190289/rHmHySm2.jpg) but my parents won't let me grow it out anymore. And my cuticles are naturally pretty decent like maybe half a millimeter to a full millimeter. (like 1/30 of an inch or something)

So here's my opinion. When I transitioned I remain the same person. My family saw it almost as a funeral but that changes as well. If it's the physical appearance that bothers her you both have to decide if being together is right. For better or worse. If a physical change is that much of an issue is it the right person? We undergo lots of physical change in our lives. Will she stick around than?


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I don't think there are right or wrong answers on this one..only you can know.

This is what I will suggest..

1. She sounds like a great girl and she's been supportive and honest with you.
2. Your relationship will either change forever or end when you transition..
3. A relationship is a two-way thing...work out what's best overall.
4. Maybe she needs to find a man..and it sounds like you are a woman.
6. Love is hard to give up

I'm not sure of your age, but from your posts it seems you may still be in your teens. If that's so, I'm going to be honest. It's rare that I see a relationship graduate to permanence with people of your age, so I would not worry to much about what the future may bring here. Not saying it's not possible, but the reality is that it's unlikely you'll be together for the long haul. People change so much and so fast at this phase in their life. I'd put my energies in other matters and let your relationship play out with her as it will.

Quote from: jentay1367 on June 19, 2017, 05:37:11 PM
I'm not sure of your age, but from your posts it seems you may still be in your teens. If that's so, I'm going to be honest. It's rare that I see a relationship graduate to permanence with people of your age, so I would not worry to much about what the future may bring here. Not saying it's not possible, but the reality is that it's unlikely you'll be together for the long haul. People change so much and so fast at this phase in their life. I'd put my energies in other matters and let your relationship play out with her as it will.

True. I just feel like without this problem our relationship would be one of the ones that lasts. And I feel bad that I'm throwing this at her almost as if to test our relationship even though this has been going on in secret for a long time.

Quote from: ErosNightleaf on June 19, 2017, 07:40:33 PM
True. I just feel like without this problem our relationship would be one of the ones that lasts. And I feel bad that I'm throwing this at her almost as if to test our relationship even though this has been going on in secret for a long time.

Yeah, but if she can't handle this then your relationship wasn't meant to last.  Something else would tear it apart. 


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I suspect she's sexually attracted to men. The binary rules most people's lives in regards to sexual attractions. Given that it's so, it's absolutely best you two work this thing out now. No strings or marriages to dissolve, no children to add to the mix. Consider yourself blessed finding your path now and be happy for all the parties involved. To be your age and be able to deal with this issue in these accepting times is priceless. I look at you and I can't help but be just a little jealous.

Quote from: Julia1996 on June 18, 2017, 11:58:50 AM
Maybe until you decide what exactly you want to do you could do a few things to ease your desires. There are a few things you can do to feel more fem.

Let your hair grow out. Maybe try leaving it a little longer than you normally do. Maybe add a few blonde highlights.  Of course if your parents would be ok with it you could grow your hair long. I've seen lots of guys with " man buns".

Clean up your eyebrows. Im not saying to arch them or anything. Just clean them up a little. Maybe your girlfriend would be willing to do this for you.

Do your cuticles. I've noticed that a lot of guys have raggy cuticles. Use some cuticle remover and then gently push them back. If you can't get cuticle remover soak your fingers in some warm soapy water and then push your cuticles back.

Use clear nail polish. If anyone notices it tell them its sour polish to keep you from biting your nails. Or just actually buy the sour polish. Its just clear polish with bitter flavoring. Or maybe use black nail polish. I've seen non goth guys with black nail polish.

Use cherry chap stick. It will give a red tinted gloss to your lips.

Use clear mascara.  It will separate your lashes and make them look slightly longer. But if you rub your eyes or get sweat in them there is no black stain to call you out.

Use tinted acne cream. A lot of acne cream comes in a tinted version.

Use moisturizer all over. Its never too early to start making your skin soft. Especially your hands. In addition to raggy cuticles a lot of guys have rough hands.

Try wearing more androgynous clothes. And maybe get some sneakers with pink or purple in them.
Julia

I love what you said, great ideas and I wish I had read this six months ago!