Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Hi all you post op ladies (or gents for that matter!) I am wondering if people you knew before surgery treated you any different after surgery. I guess I am mainly thinking  GCS here. Does it change the level of  acceptance of you being trans? Do people seem more or less friendly? Do guys look at you differently, do woman? I am looking at this big change for my body and mind, but I hadn't given a lot of thought to whether others would treat me differently or not. Thanks to anyone nice enough to respond.
Moni

I started HRT at 17, completed social transition at 18 but was unable to have SRS (whatever y'all call it here) until I was 22. I was well established and well blended so people outside of my parents and a very few close confidantes didn't know I was even trans so when I did have surgery, the only person it made a difference was to me. No one treated me any differently.

Only my immediate family and therapy group knew I was having surgery and I am not sure how much of the family knew so nobody had a reason to treat me differently. The biggest difference was when I started RLE and it appeared my IQ dropped 50 point and somewhere along the line I lost a bunch of job qualifications. Surgery is something you do for yourself and it impacts you far more than anybody else. People judge you for who you are and not by something they can't see.

Nope, because it actually never occurred to me to tell anyone, aside from a couple very close friends and some other trans friends (some of whom became jealous, but I don't think that's what you meant). Transition was over for me for a couple of years by then, so I think most people who thought about it at all assumed I'd had it done a while ago. Then I switched jobs, and it really became moot, because nobody at the new place even knew I was trans (I don't hide it, but it just kinda never comes up now that I've moved on with life).

Having had SRS can make a change in how people treat you, to varying degrees. 

For most of the world, it makes no difference, since they don't know or care what you have or had between your legs.  I had a couple hold-out relatives who hoped I wouldn't go through with it -- afterwards, they became resigned to reality.  A few trans people might be less charitable towards you, having something they haven't been able to wrangle.  A few other transitioners may finally take you seriously as your target gender; this can be a very definitional thing for a lot of people.

I think in the majority of cases, though, it absolutely makes a difference in whether you'll be accepted as female (rather than trans) -- insofar as that comes up in the milieu of a social situation. Like, taking a shower at the gym, or having sex with someone, or getting certain documents changed.   

After I wrote this I felt a little silly. Most people do not tell others. Me, I tend to be pretty open with friends. I would prefer not telling new people in my life. The old friends, I would prefer they know. I am hoping in a sense that it will put a nail in the coffin of the picture in their heads of who I used to be. I am complete, totally committed to my life  as Monica, end of story. I guess I was hoping that having this done, a chapter of my life ends not just for me but the people who know me. Does this make any sense?
Moni

My family and relatives finally started to call me by my female name and use female pronouns after SRS, even though I've been full time for 5 years at that point. I guess this was the 'point of no return' in their heads.

No difference in treatment by outsiders (why would they even know) or close friends (I still looked the same to them).

My life is an open book. I share no secrets with the family, friends and general public. Vice Media made a documentary mostly about my transition and filmed part of the surgery. Its due for a global release next month and has won film awards in China.

I know that surgery is an option and to be politically correct, everyone has their views. However, for me, I had lived a life of lies and felt that I could not call myself a female without srs. I had no RLE for that very reason as I felt its living a lie.

So yes, for me it made a massive difference. Now as I fully pass I find myself proud to be the 3rd gender. I just posted  pics of me on my profile. You can see my evolution from male just before srs, ffs, ba, then pics from left to right over the last 17 months.

Not really. No one even knew I was having my surgery. It was something just for me and I kept it off the radar screen. It was an event with zero fanfare except for me.

Only my wife, kids, mom and dad knew.  Oh, I also told my boss, but she is really cool and supportive.  So, no, I was not treated differently.  I even remember getting misgendered after grs and wanting to show my vagina to them so they would stop. lol  IT is just not something people can see about you afterward.

I think the difference how people treat you happens when you start to present as fully female. As you can totally see from my other threads I was treated differently. I think people treat you the way they see you. I don't think most people care about your surgical status. The only time anyone has asked if I had surgery it was a guy I was like getting ready to have sex with.

Hi Moni,

Haven't had GCS, but I definitely could see it building your confidence to be yourself.  People may have no clue that you've had the surgery, but you know and I'm guessing that could definitely affect how you present yourself to others.  I suspect it would boost my confidence considerably if I had it done.

Take care,
Paige :)

Quote from: Paige on June 19, 2017, 01:00:54 PM
Hi Moni,

Haven't had GCS, but I definitely could see it building your confidence to be yourself.  People may have no clue that you've had the surgery, but you know and I'm guessing that could definitely affect how you present yourself to others.  I suspect it would boost my confidence considerably if I had it done.

Take care,
Paige :)

Thanks Paige, you are right, GCS is not just about the physical change for me. I see changes ahead in confidence, self acceptance, and comfort. I have a conservative, ex-military friend who I was sure I would lose when I told him my truth. I give him great credit because I can see that it was not easy for him. He used to call my his brother and he was invested in me as a 'him' for a long time. Now he is protective of me, and is always supportive. With the way he sees me, I know he knows my anatomy doesn't fit with the person I am. He doesn't say anything, but there are hints like I can see him thinking, "This does not compute." as the old saying goes. I just wonder if having the surgery done, will I see a change in him and perhaps others. I am just hoping it kind of helps with moving from 'Transition' Monica to just plain Monica. I know it will help me.
Moni

Quote from: warlockmaker on June 19, 2017, 04:49:08 AM
My life is an open book. I share no secrets with the family, friends and general public. Vice Media made a documentary mostly about my transition and filmed part of the surgery. Its due for a global release next month and has won film awards in China.

I know that surgery is an option and to be politically correct, everyone has their views. However, for me, I had lived a life of lies and felt that I could not call myself a female without srs. I had no RLE for that very reason as I felt its living a lie.

So yes, for me it made a massive difference. Now as I fully pass I find myself proud to be the 3rd gender. I just posted  pics of me on my profile. You can see my evolution from male just before srs, ffs, ba, then pics from left to right over the last 17 months.

Thanks for that Warlockmaker, what a transformation in your photos. I agree I never felt happy wearing women's clothes as a guy, it usually just made me sad. For those who don't need or want surgery, they have my respect. I just don't have that ability to be satisfied without it.
Moni

Yes.  People will be nicer, be more friendly toward you, and want to spend more time with you.

It's human nature to seek out and enjoy the company of those who are similar to us.  And we live in a very binary society.  Most people are very binary themselves.  The closer you are to being similar to them, the closer the bond they feel with you.  SRS will get you closer to being similar to that binary.

Of course, it is very important that the decision to have SRS not be influenced by others and only be done for yourself, but the 'side effect' is greater acceptance among the cis population.  And for better or worse, the other side effect will likely be that other trans people may be more stand-offish toward you.

I am curious too, have been trying to find the right place to post this, although your question was maybe going a different direction mine seems to be along the same lines. 

My biggest fear for GCS (aside from being not-functional or having an ugly vagina) is that I will be in a place where no one wants me.   I want to have a vagina and I try to tell myself to not worry that having myself feel whole will be more fulfilling than having others desire me, but it still worries me.

Currently I am passable, but I don't meet with any guys sexually unless I tell them I'm trans.  Some guys are into TS as we all know, and some guys I've experienced are open to doing stuff other than with my penis, just because they're attracted to everything else.   My fear is that after guys will be like "well if I wanted a girl I would sleep with a (cis)woman not a post op TS"  Does that make sense?  Has anyone else encountered this?   Part of me feels like if there are guys that are ok with being with me with a penis just not messing with it, that they would be ok with me being post op TS but it's still something on my mind.  <Language edited by moderator>

I hope this wasn't too "sexual" of a discussion that wasn't the intention.  Ultimately I want to be a married wifey to some sexy masc brown eyed guy (lol) but as preop TS I've found it hard to find (mainlyl because I don't enjoy anal)


thanks for any guidance.  Back to OP - only my friends will know.  My family thinks I've already had it lol.  They didn't treat me any differently though.  I don't think friends would treat you differently.  Perhaps if they weren't really accepting of your transition that would maybe solidfy it more for them? Idk  good luck though!

I haven't had the chance to interact much since the surgery. I did get a hug and a kiss on the check from my brother. That never happened before. He told me he feels very protective of me now too.

Quote from: sfbarbie on July 01, 2017, 09:49:46 AM

My biggest fear for GCS (aside from being not-functional or having an ugly vagina) is that I will be in a place where no one wants me.   I want to have a vagina and I try to tell myself to not worry that having myself feel whole will be more fulfilling than having others desire me, but it still worries me.

Currently I am passable, but I don't meet with any guys sexually unless I tell them I'm trans.  Some guys are into TS as we all know, and some guys I've experienced are open to doing stuff other than with my penis, just because they're attracted to everything else.   My fear is that after guys will be like "well if I wanted a girl I would sleep with a (cis)woman not a post op TS"  Does that make sense?  Has anyone else encountered this?   Part of me feels like if there are guys that are ok with being with me with a penis just not messing with it, that they would be ok with me being post op TS but it's still something on my mind.  <Language edited by moderator>

thanks for any guidance.  Back to OP - only my friends will know.  My family thinks I've already had it lol.  They didn't treat me any differently though.  I don't think friends would treat you differently.  Perhaps if they weren't really accepting of your transition that would maybe solidfy it more for them? Idk  good luck though!

If being you means having GCS or not having it, isn't that the first consideration? Then you figure out the rest. Do you want to have a relationship based on you being a certain flavor of being trans. Do what makes sense for you. A relationship should be based off what's in your head rather than in your pants. Casual sex, well that might be a consideration as far as equipment, I don't know.
Moni

I never discussed the issue with people before surgery, Everyone I know just figured I had a vagina already from surgeries in 2005 (Orch). So no, nothing has changed. No one is treating me differently. To them, my GCS in March didn't even happen.

I think that's good, Right? :-\

I'm in a similar situation.  Many think I had surgery a long time ago or, better still, think I'm cis female. So I'm having surgery and telling no one. That said, I'm noticing a bit of a change "in my own behavior" right now. For some reason I find myself acting like I already had the surgery and it makes me a bit more engaging and somewhat flirtatious (for lack of a better word) with other women. . . Its making me realize that I have been holding myself back a bit.  something I'd never considered a possibility. . . well, live and learn. . .

I guess to the extent people have changed how they interact, it's for a couple of reasons. As non passing and out about being trans, I couldn't very we do the surgery in stealth - explaining why I'm away and then laid up would require a lie that I don't want to get into. And don't take that as any sort of shade on people who do it as stealth. If that were feasible for me it would be attractive as an option.

So people know it's happening and as such I think there are subtle changes in how people relate to me. I'm also aware that people don't always take difference from what they understand at face value. I know that some of my friends have looked askance at elements of my across the board queer identity.

So while it's not the reason I went for GCS, I expect some people take my identity more seriously. If anything, I take myself more seriously because of HRT and for me that was the most profound change -- habits of mind I've had to struggle for for most of my adult life are now far easier. And I'm very clear with people that for me HRT has been the bigger change.

The biggest changes however are because it's changed me. I had no idea going into GCS how much more comfortable I'd be with my body post-op. I guess I chalk that lack of expectation up to the power of denial. Before surgery I had little desire to wear femme clothing or plans to change my name. Why bother as I'm not going to pass?

Today I liken that feeling to initial recovery from surgery and in too much pain to really care at all what I wore. It tells me a lot to realize that denial let me ignore a different kind of pain for 40 years and then downplay the obvious for another 20.

So with all that past I suddenly once healed post op felt the desire both to ask people to use my real name and to start wearing skirts. Since that, I do feel a difference in how people relate. However it's not about the surgery but how I've changed presentation post op.

Hi Monica,

I understand your concern with this question now that you've crossed over. But I of course cannot supply an answer for you. I can however turn the tables on you and pose the question: Do you think that you will treat others differently now that you're on the other side and you are physically who you've always wanted to be? The short answer I am sure is going to be "no" but I pose the question as food for thought. Your world today is different now than what it was before.

Hugs,
   Laurie

Monica,

Well, my cis friend and her mom came over yesterday wearing "Vagina-Kind" t-shirts and gave me one as a welcome to the club. I suppose that wouldn't have happened before. :)

My ex-wife has been more sad lately when we connect. I don't know if that's because the loss is more real and permanent to her or not.

I've gotten a ton of advice from my cis friends on care and sex and basically vagina-101. I think for them, they now genuinely consider me to be fully committed to the group. No real obvious changes in behavior there.

And Christine McGinn used a speculum on the 2nd visit. She didn't use that (or the stirrups before GCS). So I suppose she's treating me differently.

The FAA is now questioning my capacity to fly a plane post-surgery. Totally ridiculous, but different as well.

As you know I'm 3 days behind you in post surgery life experiences.

Hi Debbie,
   I know your surgery has been more trouble free than mine. I am a bit quarantined due to my swelling and inability to do much. I don't mind this really, but for purposes of this thread, I have not seen many people to know if they treat me differently. That will happen in about a month.
Moni

Quote from: Laurie on July 20, 2017, 11:47:00 AM
Hi Monica,

I understand your concern with this question now that you've crossed over. But I of course cannot supply an answer for you. I can however turn the tables on you and pose the question: Do you think that you will treat others differently now that you're on the other side and you are physically who you've always wanted to be? The short answer I am sure is going to be "no" but I pose the question as food for thought. Your world today is different now than what it was before.

Hugs,
   Laurie

Laurie ,
   I like the turn around on the question you sly fox you. I think of myself a little differently, with more confidence I would say. I am happier with myself so I am more at peace, and I believe it will show in my interactions. I have enjoyed seeing people who never knew my previous incarnation. Debbie (above) offered me an amazing compliment. She said that she  couldn't imagine me as ever having been anyone else. It really touched me that she would say that. I love so many people  that knew me before transition. I could never leave them in my past. I do enjoy people who only know Moni and not 'him'. It is a different feeling. Now, I will start to know people with this added self comfort. I am curious to see how it feels. I suspect there will be little doubt that people at my work will figure it out when I show up everywhere with a donut for my butt. I don't care that the older folks know, but I would like the news to come from me if I so decide, when it comes to the new people. That is probably not likely though.
   Well, either that or i will strip down and flash it towards people I don't like or maybe the ones I do like. lol
Moni
   

Quote from: Laurie on July 20, 2017, 11:47:00 AMI can however turn the tables on you and pose the question: Do you think that you will treat others differently now that you're on the other side and you are physically who you've always wanted to be? The short answer I am sure is going to be "no" but I pose the question as food for thought. Your world today is different now than what it was before.

OMG, this is such a great question, Laurie.  I really had to sit down and think about it.

Yes, the answer is yes.  For the better, mostly, in a lot of different ways.  Like, just knowing what it's like, first hand, the absolute relief of having it done, there's a sense that I'm kind of waiting and beckoning over here on the other side, like I've crossed a river and now I reach out my hand and help pull to shore those swimming across this river; there's a kinship I had with others who passed over near to when I did, the kinship of having completed a journey more or less together with someone else.  It's given me so much more confidence, that surely changes how I treat others, because I'm much less likely to respond and act out of my own need and dysphoria and fear.  I was single at the time, and that definitely opened up my sexuality; I could now freely flirt with other people, especially men. 

And within a few months I disappeared.  Having finished everything in my transition that I needed to finish, it was time to move on.  I think this is pretty common in the community -- no longer in the throes of transition, and having different needs to (finally) attend to, there's much less impetus to interact with the community at large, not having this pressing need in common with others still making their journey.  When I did check in, it was only with the few women I'd formed life-long friendships with, others who like me had gone on to transsex after transition.  For years and years and years, I never even frequented an internet forum like this one. 

Now, coming back, my motivation to participate is different.  I'm now in the position of paying forward the kind of help I received way back when, at least while I attend to a second sort of transition -- the transition that so many middle-aged women often make to stave off the effects of aging (getting into shape, stepping up my beauty regimen, and looking into things like face lifts and liposuction and skin resurfacing; going back to zap the few pesky hairs I'd previously been content to pluck 10 minutes a day; rebuilding my wardrobe to something more (and less) appropriate for a woman my age; scar revisions; implementing a hormone regimen based on cycling; and quite possibly some other procedures like changing my under-the-muscle implants for over-the-muscle implants, and a BBL, maybe even some minor facial revisions like another lip lift and nose job and so on), which I myself justify based on "lost time" from my proper youth. 

So yeah, Laurie, SRS really tends to change people who have it (which is kind of the point), and that necessarily in turns changes or influences how we are with other people.  Hopefully, though, it changes us for the better. 

Quote from: Sophia Sage on July 25, 2017, 02:16:53 AM
OMG, this is such a great question, Laurie.  I really had to sit down and think about it.

Yes, the answer is yes.  For the better, mostly, in a lot of different ways.  Like, just knowing what it's like, first hand, the absolute relief of having it done, there's a sense that I'm kind of waiting and beckoning over here on the other side, like I've crossed a river and now I reach out my hand and help pull to shore those swimming across this river; there's a kinship I had with others who passed over near to when I did, the kinship of having completed a journey more or less together with someone else.  It's given me so much more confidence, that surely changes how I treat others, because I'm much less likely to respond and act out of my own need and dysphoria and fear.  I was single at the time, and that definitely opened up my sexuality; I could now freely flirt with other people, especially men. 

And within a few months I disappeared.  Having finished everything in my transition that I needed to finish, it was time to move on.  I think this is pretty common in the community -- no longer in the throes of transition, and having different needs to (finally) attend to, there's much less impetus to interact with the community at large, not having this pressing need in common with others still making their journey.  When I did check in, it was only with the few women I'd formed life-long friendships with, others who like me had gone on to transsex after transition.  For years and years and years, I never even frequented an internet forum like this one. 

Now, coming back, my motivation to participate is different.  I'm now in the position of paying forward the kind of help I received way back when, at least while I attend to a second sort of transition -- the transition that so many middle-aged women often make to stave off the effects of aging (getting into shape, stepping up my beauty regimen, and looking into things like face lifts and liposuction and skin resurfacing; going back to zap the few pesky hairs I'd previously been content to pluck 10 minutes a day; rebuilding my wardrobe to something more (and less) appropriate for a woman my age; scar revisions; implementing a hormone regimen based on cycling; and quite possibly some other procedures like changing my under-the-muscle implants for over-the-muscle implants, and a BBL, maybe even some minor facial revisions like another lip lift and nose job and so on), which I myself justify based on "lost time" from my proper youth. 

So yeah, Laurie, SRS really tends to change people who have it (which is kind of the point), and that necessarily in turns changes or influences how we are with other people.  Hopefully, though, it changes us for the better.

I really like the analogy of helping pull others ashore, Sophia. At a time when I was desperate, fearing my surgery would never happen, three people called to me as I felt I was going under. Missy, Sarah (Inasarah), and you Sophia. You all talked me down and showed me a mental picture of that other shore. It helped keep me going and later folks like Rachel Lynn and  Sadie and other less visible friends, in there own way, helped get me to climb up on that beach. I think of that and I hope I don't disappear. I hope I can help others in some way. Just seeing people in a place where I was at one time hurting and struggling, I really want to help them, like you did, and tell them it will be okay. So, with all my heart, I thank you Sophia and my many other friends who have gotten me here. And yes, Laurie, apparently with my vagina, I get even sappier. Yikes!
Moni
Laurie, you are not less visible by any stretch, but you have made a big difference for me. If you repeat that, I will deny it.