Susan's Place Transgender Resources

So I'm at a crossroads of sorts.  I'm not seeking to fully transition for several reasons, but instead trying to spend part time as a woman.  Problem is I'm terrified and ashamed to go outside as me.  It's like all the little interactions with people, what will people think if they know me even a little, what general reaction will people have, the incredible newness of it all terrifies me.

I'm not crazy, I don't harbor delusions that I'll magically pass, especially without HRT.  But I need to do something to be me I'm just gonna get resentful for ever,

I have had a few attempts at going out in public, nothing bad happened but I'm still resistant.  I'm okay going to support groups, my therapist and the like, but just want to feel okay going to the stupid grocery store.

I had 2 utter fail transition experiments in my early 20's thanks to the dark clouds of Shame & Guilt enveloping me. It screamed "Some Guy In a Dress" and I wasn't the only one to sense it  :(

Not until I fixed myself on the inside was I able to venture out into the real world as the real me. I achieved my life long dream of being seen as and accepted as a woman. BTW - We are talking rural West Virginia, aka hillbilly country for this 6ft tall, bald, big everything gal

I recommend seeing a psychiatrist. Due to the doctor, I am feeling a lot more confidence in life, and a lot less emotional. Things that I wouldn't do before... I do now. It has given me strength in my life, and not to take anything to seriously. (I'm not talking about therapy)

Quote from: RobinGee on July 01, 2017, 06:46:49 PM
So I'm at a crossroads of sorts.  I'm not seeking to fully transition for several reasons, but instead trying to spend part time as a woman.  Problem is I'm terrified and ashamed to go outside as me.  It's like all the little interactions with people, what will people think if they know me even a little, what general reaction will people have, the incredible newness of it all terrifies me.

I'm not crazy, I don't harbor delusions that I'll magically pass, especially without HRT.  But I need to do something to be me I'm just gonna get resentful for ever,

I have had a few attempts at going out in public, nothing bad happened but I'm still resistant.  I'm okay going to support groups, my therapist and the like, but just want to feel okay going to the stupid grocery store.

There's nothing wrong to be a guy in a dress, it's not like breaking any law or anything. You have your right to dress as it pleases you, and wear make up or whatever.

And you can go further out, where chances of meeting your neighbors or any one else are slim. And why would you care about people's opinion if they don't know you?

But in the end, you should be ok with being outed by someone and not ashamed of what you're doing and owning it.

It's always most difficult at first. It does get easier with time. I always went out in groups for years and years... slowly but surely I got the confidence to go in smaller groups, then by myself. New is always going to be scary, but never ever let yourself feel ashamed. And definitely never let anyone make you feel ashamed... you're stronger than they are. Not everyone can do what you have done.

DO IT! Live your life, because it doesn't last forever. Only now exist. Enjoy it! DO IT. DO IT.

I'm going to do it too. I am tired of all the charade.

The first few times are definitely the hardest.  The day after I came out to what's left of my family,  I went out to the $ store. En femme. Or what I thought was en femme.  I wasn't on HRT and I had shaved my beard the previous day.  The truth is my hair wasn't even very long, my movements were stiff and male, my voice was an absolute disaster and I was dressed pretty androgynously.  I really didn't give people very much to work with.   I got sirred and it felt like a punch in the gut but I got it out of the way and y'know what?  The world didn't stop spinning on its axis.  The sun came up the next day.  Nobody died.  It wasn't a debutante ball.  It was pretty inauspicious in fact.  But nothing terrible happened.   My ego was a little bruised and I realized I had a long journey ahead but it was a start.

But I hear you vis a vis the grocery store. It's such a mundane thing. But it's pretty huge too. It's part of our territory.  Sometimes we have to fight for every inch to gain territory for our identity to live in.   But you deserve it.

I'm living as female full time except for work.
But there are still times I get down on myself and I just can't leave the house.
It's just something you gotta keep doing to build confidence.
But some days confidence is in abundance, and others ita just not ther atall :/

Practice makes perfect, Robin.  :)  Get out there and OWN aisle 3!  :laugh:

Hugs, Devlyn

Quote from: Rachel_Christina on July 02, 2017, 12:48:26 AM
I'm living as female full time except for work.
But there are still times I get down on myself and I just can't leave the house.
It's just something you gotta keep doing to build confidence.
But some days confidence is in abundance, and others ita just not ther atall :/

Except at work? How? I've seen your pictures in B&A thread. You can't pass as male. Even if you wear male clothes and pull your hair back, you still couldn't pass as male.

Quote from: Wild Flower on July 01, 2017, 11:29:43 PM
DO IT! Live your life, because it doesn't last forever. Only now exist. Enjoy it! DO IT. DO IT.

I'm going to do it too. I am tired of all the charade.

THAT!

I have only gathered the courage to transition after losing my father and my mother. Both have died too soon, both with only 54 yo...

Losing them made me realize that life is too short and sometimes too unfair and unpredictable.

It made me see that the time to live is NOW. Tomorrow may never come.

If we know what we need to do in order to be happier individuals... we should start doing it as soon as we can.

As an Epica song I used to love:
"I'm afraid to be alive without being aware of it"

And that was what I was doing all my life pre-transition... I was alive, but I wasn't living.

So... I said... "to hell with everything" and I decided to be myself.  :)

Robin, I'm also in the process of letting the world see the real me, and like yourself, I have yet to overcome intense feelings of fear and shame. The last time I ventured out as me was to visit a friend, but I took some male clothes with me in the car 'just in case'.

A bit part of passing is being confident in yourself, so keep moving forward. With each step you take, it will get easier.

Quote from: Rachel_Christina on July 02, 2017, 12:48:26 AM
I'm living as female full time except for work.
But there are still times I get down on myself and I just can't leave the house.
It's just something you gotta keep doing to build confidence.
But some days confidence is in abundance, and others ita just not ther atall :/

Quote from: Julia1996 on July 02, 2017, 08:45:41 AM
Except at work? How? I've seen your pictures in B&A thread. You can't pass as male. Even if you wear male clothes and pull your hair back, you still couldn't pass as male.

Wow, I agree with Julia.

I really doubt you can pass as a male at all.

Thanks Julia and Nathalie.
It's funny to be fair I really don't know how they have not realised either.
I mean I literally wear rags to work but at the same time I have no beard no more, pretty long hair and my skin is 10 times what it used to be.
Maybe they are just stone tbh
Anyone that I have told was never surprised like.

I think starting to go out in public as yourself is one of the hardest parts of being trans. It totally was for me. Being albino I've always had people stare and whisper so you would think I would be used to it. But when I first transitioned I was terrified of going out in public. I would avoid it if I could. My dad actually made me go to public places with him. The mall, Walmart, grocery store, etc. After a while I got over being scared. If you have someone you could go out with that might help you. It did for me. I really hate when people say "man in a dress" in reference to a transwoman. No matter what she looks like a transwoman is not a "man in a dress". She is a woman in a dress who was unlucky enough to born wrong. I also think confidence has a lot to do with it. My dad told me it's important to make eye contact with people. He said if someone looks down and kind of shrinks into themselves when you look at them it makes people suspicious and then they look harder trying to figure out what you're trying to hide. My dad is a cop. He said even if the general public doesn't recognize it as suspicious behavior, it's just human nature to pick up on subtle behavior of guilt. Trans people aren't doing anything even slightly wrong. But for whatever reasons we FEEL like we are when we first start going out in public. My dad told me that even if someone has done nothing wrong, if they FEEL guilty it shows in their body language and actions and people pick up on that. No transwoman should feel guilty about being herself. We have as much right as any woman to wear pretty clothes and makeup. We have more right actually because we are willing to lose everything and suffer more than anyone ever should to do it.

Quote from: Julia1996 on July 02, 2017, 09:28:00 AM
My dad actually made me go to public places with him. The mall, Walmart, grocery store, etc. After a while I got over being scared. If you have someone you could go out with that might help you. It did for me. I really hate when people say "man in a dress" in reference to a transwoman. No matter what she looks like a transwoman is not a "man in a dress". She is a woman in a dress who was unlucky enough to born wrong. I also think confidence has a lot to do with it. My dad told me it's important to make eye contact with people. He said if someone looks down and kind of shrinks into themselves when you look at them it makes people suspicious and then they look harder trying to figure out what you're trying to hide. My dad is a cop. He said even if the general public doesn't recognize it as suspicious behavior, it's just human nature to pick up on subtle behavior of guilt. Trans people aren't doing anything even slightly wrong. But for whatever reasons we FEEL like we are when we first start going out in public. My dad told me that even if someone has done nothing wrong, if they FEEL guilty it shows in their body language and actions and people pick up on that. No transwoman should feel guilty about being herself. We have as much right as any woman to wear pretty clothes and makeup. We have more right actually because we are willing to lose everything and suffer more than anyone ever should to do it.

You have a wonderful father!

About starting to go out as yourself.

Sometimes it is a natural process... it demands time, HRT and various efforts into feminization... for me I started going out full time after one year of HRT.

I had reached a point where, even with male clothes, people started to "misgender" me all the time. Even when I was kind of presenting myself as male, my presentation started to fail and... well... it was funny to see people getting confused about my gender.

After that it was kind of easy to start going out full time... that transition was natural.

So I embraced my feminine me and never came back to "male mode" again. And... I was surprised that since then I was never misgendered  :)

When we get enough confidence, when we see we are struggling to pass as a male...then things gets easier! It is just one more step to go to full time. And after you take it... you'll see it was not that hard!

Quote from: SophieD on July 02, 2017, 09:32:01 AM
You have a wonderful father!

My dad is sensitive to LGBT issues because of personal experience. His brother came out as gay when my dad was 17. He lost all his friends and my grandpa wasn't accepting at all. My dad tried to be accepting but he was only 17 and didn't really understand it too well. My dad joined the marines when he was 18. 8 months after my dad left his brother hung himself. My dad always has felt like he should have tried to do more for him.

Quote from: Wild Flower on July 01, 2017, 07:50:46 PM
I recommend seeing a psychiatrist. Due to the doctor, I am feeling a lot more confidence in life, and a lot less emotional. Things that I wouldn't do before... I do now. It has given me strength in my life, and not to take anything to seriously. (I'm not talking about therapy)

I recommend seeing a psychologist or psychotherapist instead. Too many psychiatrists are all about the drugs. Their insurance is too high to spend time doing therapy.

:

April 22, 2015, the day of my first face to face pass in gender neutral clothes and no makeup. It may be months to the next one, but I'm good with that!

Being transgender is just a phase. It hardly ever starts before conception and always ends promptly at death.

They say the light at the end of the tunnel is an oncoming train. I say, climb aboard!

Think outside the voice box!

I have yet to go out the house as the real me let alone in public I wouldn't know were to start, once I did go to the Beach got changed in the car made sure no one was about & took my avatar photo but nearly 30 years as a goth I was wearing some right out there clothing but now just to wear a simple pair of legging & top fills me with dread. Sara

Quote from: Julia1996 on July 02, 2017, 09:28:00 AM
a transwoman is not a "man in a dress". She is a woman in a dress who was unlucky enough to born wrong. I also think confidence has a lot to do with it. My dad told me it's important to make eye contact with people. He said if someone looks down and kind of shrinks into themselves when you look at them it makes people suspicious and then they look harder trying to figure out what you're trying to hide.

This is very good advice.  People see that body language as weak and it's easier for mean people to attack weakness.

I just wish I could follow that advice myself.  For me I have a hard time getting past the "man in a dress" I see in the mirror.

Quote from: RobinGee on July 01, 2017, 06:46:49 PM
So I'm at a crossroads of sorts.  I'm not seeking to fully transition for several reasons, but instead trying to spend part time as a woman.  Problem is I'm terrified and ashamed to go outside as me.  It's like all the little interactions with people, what will people think if they know me even a little, what general reaction will people have, the incredible newness of it all terrifies me.

I'm not crazy, I don't harbor delusions that I'll magically pass, especially without HRT.  But I need to do something to be me I'm just gonna get resentful for ever,

I have had a few attempts at going out in public, nothing bad happened but I'm still resistant.  I'm okay going to support groups, my therapist and the like, but just want to feel okay going to the stupid grocery store.

Hi Robin,

  Girl do I ever know what you are feeling. Just a couple of months ago I was furtively making forays to the local stores at night at the cajoling of the ladies on this forum and their encouragement. next thing you know I'm doing laundry and going to electrologist sessions in semi girl mode. and then I went to a therapy session fully girl mode. I've gone to two of them now in girl mode. But here I am today having left home 3 weeks ago in girl mode to take a road trip to Maine. I was only commuted to going to Denver and Colorado Springs in girl mode to visit 2 other ladies there. I got that done and decided to go further en femme. I've made it to Maine and Pennsylvania, New Jersey and the DC area visiting sever more ladies along the way and am now heading back. I have spend about 2 days in boy mode is all and plan to return home in girl mode. I've been on trains , walking and dining in cities, shopping in stores and using women's bathrooms all in girl mode.  I am not totally comfortable in girl mode yet, especially when alone in public but I am far more comfortable with it than when I left home.

  My advice?  Just go do it. Take a girl mode road trip. Visit others like us in girl mode (it really helps to have company)
You can do it and each time you do you get more comfortable about doing it next time.

Hugs,
   Laurie

I saw a few guys in skirts in our city. They were bearded and unquestionably tough guys giving no sh&t to stares. Not that they got any really.

But when us going out en femme, it's different... Different mannerisms, different attitudes.

Sometimes I thought if I would want out as a guy in skirt, but as much as I love them, I immediately want to dress more and have that change of attitude thing that makes it different


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I have a lot of issues with this honestly. I've been dressing totally en femme when I'm at home for almost 4 years now, but still get terrified if some random salesman knocks on my door, and feel compelled to immediately do guy mode, though he's usually gone by that time.

I've only done totally en femme on several Halloweens and did it on TDOV this Spring. No one said anything when I hit the mall on TDOV. Walked all around it, and even bought a sandwich at one of the sit down restaurants.

What I have been doing is just going more and more androgynous, and then pushing it more feminine. When I started out I was scared to even wear men's skinny jeans, now I wear almost all women's clothes and makeup most of the time. Still not real comfortable wearing women's shirts, but that's mainly because most of them make me look pregnant, and I'm not at all comfortable wearing skirts or dresses out, but pants, shorts, and capris I feel fairly comfortable in.

The underlying issue still remains, I know I shouldn't be ashamed of being trans, but since I have parents who engrained in me that I should be, it's hard to shake, especially knowing they aren't alone in that opinion.

Go away.  I mean go on vacation somewhere.  I did it twice and learned a lot.  Or depending upon your geographic situation, go to the next city over and change in the car to and from.

You will quickly become comfortable.

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Quote from: Denise on July 03, 2017, 10:05:39 AM
Go away.  I mean go on vacation somewhere.  I did it twice and learned a lot.  Or depending upon your geographic situation, go to the next city over and change in the car to and from.

You will quickly become comfortable.

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I live in a relatively middle-size city. Not Big 3, but in top 20 in terms of population. I was living 16/7 for a year as a female, and after I moved to another part of my town - no one ever clocks me as being a CD. So really, you don't even need to go that far :)