Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Okay, so a couple days ago my dad took the liberty of telling my grandma that "I thought I was transgender".  I was a bit shocked considering I asked both my parents not to say anything unless I gave them the okay.  His defence was that my grandma had asked him if I was gay and that she was wondering how I was doing.  First off I am insulted that he said I THINK I am.  He should know that I am, I told him I AM.  I understand that he may be concerned about me but him saying that kinda makes it seem like he thinks its something bad.  Or its just some phase.  I told him it was fine and that I'm not mad at him but that I wished it would have been me telling her.  I was going to when it was the right time for me.  He could have said he didn't know if I was and reminded her that she can call me to talk if she was interested in my life.  I'm not embarrassed that she knows I'm very proud to be me but I am however getting upset the more I contemplate his actions...  I haven't spoken to my grandma since all this occurred.  Any suggestions on how to handle this??

Ava

You cannot un-spill milk

Quote from: missava on July 23, 2017, 02:15:56 AM
Okay, so a couple days ago my dad took the liberty of telling my grandma that "I thought I was transgender".  I was a bit shocked considering I asked both my parents not to say anything unless I gave them the okay.  His defence was that my grandma had asked him if I was gay and that she was wondering how I was doing.  First off I am insulted that he said I THINK I am.  He should know that I am, I told him I AM.  I understand that he may be concerned about me but him saying that kinda makes it seem like he thinks its something bad.  Or its just some phase.  I told him it was fine and that I'm not mad at him but that I wished it would have been me telling her.  I was going to when it was the right time for me.  He could have said he didn't know if I was and reminded her that she can call me to talk if she was interested in my life.  I'm not embarrassed that she knows I'm very proud to be me but I am however getting upset the more I contemplate his actions...  I haven't spoken to my grandma since all this occurred.  Any suggestions on how to handle this??

Ava

Hi Ava

I remember talking to my Father about not telling anyone in my extended family as it was my job to do. So he asked me if I minded, if he told his oldest Sister my elderly Aunt. I replied  Of course not and asked that he let me know when he was done...he comes back to me 2 days later over the telephone and says to me I have told the entire extended family on my side....I was furious, I understand how it feels and then what was the worst part. You don't get to tell it the way you want, to use the words, to see the reactions.

I would sit down and talk to him. His saying "you thought.." is about him and his lack of understanding. Take the opportunity to try and connect if you can and get him to understand why what he said needs to be re thought on his behalf... It took quite some time but I did explain to my father why what he had done was wrong and even at 76 he accepted this and apologised. He understood that he was in the wrong frame of mind to be telling people such a personal thing when he didn't actually know much about it and wasn't really his to tell.

Keep the lines of communication open, explain to him, talk to him and he may eventually understand.

I hope that helps in some way 

Quote from: missava on July 23, 2017, 02:15:56 AM
Okay, so a couple days ago my dad took the liberty of telling my grandma that "I thought I was transgender".  I was a bit shocked considering I asked both my parents not to say anything unless I gave them the okay.  His defence was that my grandma had asked him if I was gay and that she was wondering how I was doing.  First off I am insulted that he said I THINK I am.  He should know that I am, I told him I AM.  I understand that he may be concerned about me but him saying that kinda makes it seem like he thinks its something bad.  Or its just some phase.  I told him it was fine and that I'm not mad at him but that I wished it would have been me telling her.  I was going to when it was the right time for me.  He could have said he didn't know if I was and reminded her that she can call me to talk if she was interested in my life.  I'm not embarrassed that she knows I'm very proud to be me but I am however getting upset the more I contemplate his actions...  I haven't spoken to my grandma since all this occurred.  Any suggestions on how to handle this??

Ava

With grace if possible. At some point a transgender person can be passing and going about their business and have someone, a perfect stranger, refer to them as their birth gender. You don't want them to do it, you didn't ask them to do it, but there it is. You can shrug your shoulders about it and move on, or you can brew and stew over it. But every minute you spend thinking about it is deducted from the too small pile of minutes you get on this planet.

"Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference."

Reinhold Niebuhr

Hugs, Devlyn

Quote from: elkie-t on July 23, 2017, 02:31:00 AM
You cannot un-spill milk

True true.  Thanks elkie-t!

Quote from: Devlyn Marie on July 23, 2017, 07:42:55 AM
With grace if possible. At some point a transgender person can be passing and going about their business and have someone, a perfect stranger, refer to them as their birth gender. You don't want them to do it, you didn't ask them to do it, but there it is. You can shrug your shoulders about it and move on, or you can brew and stew over it. But every minute you spend thinking about it is deducted from the too small pile of minutes you get on this planet.

"Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference."

Reinhold Niebuhr

Hugs, Devlyn

Your absolutely right Devlyn, Thank you.  Love the quote.

Hugs,

Ava

Quote from: ElizabethK on July 23, 2017, 04:40:37 AM
Hi Ava

I remember talking to my Father about not telling anyone in my extended family as it was my job to do. So he asked me if I minded, if he told his oldest Sister my elderly Aunt. I replied  Of course not and asked that he let me know when he was done...he comes back to me 2 days later over the telephone and says to me I have told the entire extended family on my side....I was furious, I understand how it feels and then what was the worst part. You don't get to tell it the way you want, to use the words, to see the reactions.

I would sit down and talk to him. His saying "you thought.." is about him and his lack of understanding. Take the opportunity to try and connect if you can and get him to understand why what he said needs to be re thought on his behalf... It took quite some time but I did explain to my father why what he had done was wrong and even at 76 he accepted this and apologised. He understood that he was in the wrong frame of mind to be telling people such a personal thing when he didn't actually know much about it and wasn't really his to tell.

Keep the lines of communication open, explain to him, talk to him and he may eventually understand.

I hope that helps in some way 

That does help a lot.  Thank you so much.  I'm not one to hold a grudge about anything so that's not the issue.  Like you I would have preferred to share my own storey and have that connection with the person I'm talking to.  But like you said, talking it out and trying to bring him to a better place of understanding is the correct way to go about this.  Thanks again for the response Elizabeth.

Love and hugs,

Ava