Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Hey everyone!  I'm Marie.   I am a cis gendered female and have been mainly straight my entire life. (with the exception of drunken bi hookups)
I came across this forum and am truly hoping to gain a new perspective and outlook on how to make my relationship work as I'm dating a ftm trans for the very first time.   If I say anything disrespectful, please don't take it as such, as I really am trying to learn as much as I can.

My guy and I have been together for over a year and while our relationship started out pretty awesome, lately I've found myself not completely understanding things, I guess?  I completely adore him and I don't doubt that he adores me also but I'm having a hard time distinguishing if its me not being used to dating a trans male or if.....  well, I'll just explain and let you give me your opinion.   If this needs to be posted in another area, please let me know and I will remove it. <3

My guy has absolutely no feminine traits at all, facial or body composition wise.. He's been on T for 6 years.  Most people have no idea he is even trans and are surprised when they find out.  We met and me being ignorant to the subject, (which I obviously still am) when he told me that he was trans, I felt like I was being introduced to someone that legitimately had all of the mental traits of a male  (Or what society deems to be male traits) but just physical anatomy of a female and that was kind of what he described it as being to me.

I was intrigued. We spent months talking and understanding each other before we started dating. I researched multiple trans websites and probably watched more porn than I ever have in my life to get an idea of what to do.  ;) ;)
 
The moment we started dating, I felt like I had been missing out on the best sex of my life by being "straight"!
Not only was the sex amazing but our connection was as well.  We had so much in common and I felt like we really understood each other.  It wasn't long before I fell completely head over heels for him.  We were a perfect match.

But about 9 months into dating,  things changed.

I'm starting to feel like I'm playing more of the "male role" in the relationship while he is acting more like my girlfriend.

I'm very girly and I guess I've always been used to having the generic male/female role in relationships and The emotional roller coaster that I've dealt with is starting to push me away.
I'm just not sure how to switch my mindset?

I understand that gender roles and expectations are both subjects that some people dismiss.  They are subjective to each individual and me talking about what female traits are and what male traits are, are just social norms, but that is what I've always been used to.

As a female that has always dated cis gendered males,
How do I deal with dating a male that has so many "female traits"?

Should I be looking at him as a male while not necessarily expecting him to act like one? 

And more importantly, How do I address these issues without making him feel like less of a man about it?  I feel like every time I bring something up about wanting to be treated more feminine, I'm blamed for not accepting him for who he is.   
Does me dating him not show that I accept him?

I'm also wondering if being on a crazy schedule with his shot is causing some of these problems as well.
There are some months where he will get them every week, and then other times, he will go out of town and not want to do the shot himself and will skip up to 3 weeks in a row.  Isn't this dangerous?

I really love this guy and I want nothing more than to share my life with him..
What do I do?

Welcome to Susan's Place. You put a lot of facts out there and it make it difficult to determine what is going on. The first issue is the irregular injection schedule. Three weeks is long enough that dysphoria and some of the beneficial mental effects of testosterone could fade. If you find these issues occur after he is out of town, it could indicate the source of the problem. Missing the shots isn't dangerous but it can cause an emotional rollercoaster.

The other possibility is that both of you could use therapy to understand each other better. He could have unresolved issues and you might need to learn how to work with them.

This is something that should be discussed with all his doctor as professionals would be more knowledgable about this than I am.

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A few questions -

What specifically is he doing that you are categorizing as female?

How have you been addressing these behaviors?

RE: shots - I agree with Dena. Consistency, especially if he still has internal female reproductive parts, is important. If he is unable or unwilling to do his own shots, then he IMO should not be on injections and should switch to gel. It is going to deliver the exact same results without the need to needle.

It's not dangerous per se, especially if his body is still producing estrogen. It just makes for erratic moods and can slow down any masculinization that is occurring (which is honestly probably not much if he is 6+ years on T).

He's dramatic
Moody.
Always emotional.
I have to tip toe around his feelings.
If we ever get into an argument, he will ignore me for days and put me in the "dog house" so to speak.
If anyone ever says anything to me that's disrespectful, he isn't ok with taking up for me or taking any type of "protective role."
But he expects me to protect him.
I'm always the big spoon.
I find myself doing the "wining and dining"
I'm the one that always has to initiate sex.


Some of these wouldn't be bothersome, but when you put them all together, it sure does make me feel like I'm having to be the guy and I like being a girly girl so it makes it hard.

I've tried to address the problems nonchalantly and full force.  Neither work.  I've tried to give him hints.  "I would love it if you were the big spoon."    "I love when you initiate sex."   And I've been so annoyed sometimes and just had to straight up ask, "Why are you being so dramatic and moody??"   
Either way, he becomes more emotional and thinks I'm judging him which starts an argument and then I'm back in the dog house. LOL
We've been able to have serious talks and I've asked him about it but his response is, "Im just me.  Stop thinking of me as a gender and just accept me for who I am."   
But I don't know how to do that.   If you want me to perceive you as a man and treat you like a man but not expect you to act like a man......   
I'm confused.   :D :D :D

He wasn't raised with a support system and was raised female.  I'm wondering if this has anything to do with it?  I know as children, certain things are just instilled in us based on our given gender.  So he wasn't taught at a younger age how to treat girls but how to be one instead.  I've tried to take this into consideration.


He does still have all of the female anatomy and hasn't had any surgeries yet.  He does hate needles which is one reason why he is so inconsistent with shots.  I didn't know that the gel would deliver the same effect and its definitely something that I'd be willing to ask him about.

Something to consider. I am 65 years old and have never been in a relationship with another person. If I were to take an interest in another, I would make it a point to learn the other person's needs and desires so that the relationship would work. I would most likely get a few things wrong early on but I would learn. It appears for some reason he isn't willing to learn or he doesn't desire the role. This is why couples consoling might help define the line between you. If he is unwilling to do this, it's no different that the many CIS couples who get divorced. The couples just weren't able to find enough common ground to keep them together.

You mentioned that everything changed after about nine months of being together. Was he acting differently before? Is this behavior new?

I'm gonna be real with you though - why are you trying to make it work with this guy? It sounds like you've expressed to him at least a few times exactly what you desire from a man you're in a relationship with, and it sounds like those things are important to you. Even if we remove gender from the conversation entirely and just stick with the behaviors that you're looking for from a partner - you've said "I'd like this, I'd like that", and he has made no effort to deliver. So either he is not comfortable doing those things period, or he just doesn't want to. If those things are as important to you as it sounds like they are, why are you sticking around? There are other dudes out there who would snap you off the market in an instant. I'm in a few FTM dating groups and whenever a nice cis woman comes in, she is definitely not hurting for attention.

Love is cool and all that, but it requires practical application in a relationship. If your needs aren't being met (because he's taking on what society would deem as a female role) and you're not happy meeting his the way he prefers (because he's basically making you be the man), then have a really frank conversation about it. Lay it all out there and let him know that it's not working the way it is and something has to change or the relationship can't continue.

Also, that whole silent treatment/putting you in the doghouse when you disagree - that's emotional abuse. It's a means of shifting the conflict off of the original issue and making the issue whatever it takes to get back into his good graces. It gives him control over the situation.

I'm just a stranger on the internet and not telling you how to live your life, but if we were friends in real life I'd be strongly advocating for you to end it.

Everything you have said makes a lot of sense.  Thank you for your opinion. 💜💜
The behavior has slowly gotten worse over time. The more comfortable he has gotten, the more things emerge.   I agree with everything you have said but just didn't want to end things if this is just how some trans guys act and I didnt know if its something I should get used to or if this is something that I can maybe understand if given a different perspective.
  I didn't want to come off as uncaring or unsupportive but it really has been driving me nuts! Lol


I'd love to know about the group's you are in though.  I would really like to have an idea of where to meet more ftm in the future if this relationship ends up not working out.   

Thanks for y'alls help and being so nice. xoxo

Nah, I think you'll find that trans people are just like the rest of society. Some folks are great, some folks are jerks, and a lot of people fall somewhere in between. His behavior is not representative of most of us, I would say.

If you are on Facebook, there is a group called FTM Personals. It's not particularly well run, but there are tons of trans guys and folks who are interested in dating them.

I saw many mtf people (especially on a crossdresser side) who want to have nice feminine feelings, yet aren't willing to deal with day to day problems of being a woman (in a relationship, or in a society in general). Your partner maybe the same (on ftm side), ready to claim male privilege yet not ready to deal with day to day stress of being an alfa. No one is 100% male or female mentally, we all want to be cherished and treated and caressed and kissed. So, maybe your partner still has some needs to relax from being overly masculine while dealing with the outer world and lowers his guards with you. On one hand, it might be unfair to you. On another, you're his partner and where can he be relaxed if not in your presence?

But no relationships should be one-sided, next time you can roll your back to him and either sleep back to back or let him be a big spoon for you :)


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I honestly just think that he's still trying to figure himself out and understand who he is.  He has mentioned to me before about stopping his T all together but then the next day.. he will talk about top surgery.    I feel like he is in a constant battle with himself and while I'd love to be supportive..  I have to also pay attention to my own happiness and needs.  I want a partner that is comfortable enough with themselves, that they are able to put at least a little focus on me and I feel like that shouldn't be too much to ask for.
This is the first non traditional m/f relationship I've ever been in though and I've learned a lot but it may be time to allow him to figure himself out a little more and allow myself to find a better match.   All of y'alls replies have really helped put things into perspective though and I really do appreciate the support.   <3 <3 <3

Marie, Welcome here and hope you can get some answers.

Don't know if this helps but not everyone acts according to their Gender.

I was with another Post MtF TS for 38 years.  She was not into the whole sex stuff.  I had to be the aggressor in our sex life.  This had its ups and downs.  Even though I am a pretty much on the Girly Girl in demeanor and dress, I learned to be the aggressor, or as I say the Alpha Female, or similar to a Butch Type Lesbian.

I also had a relationship with sex with a Butch Lesbian after my SRS/GRS/GCS, but I can adapt to most things.  As I also have had some sex life with AMAB men that did not know of my Past.

Since she died and I have gotten back to the dating life, or am trying to.  I find I have to be the aggressor with all Femme people, AFAB and MtF and CDs.  This works to a point, but it can be confusing.

No sex involved yet.

With a close Pre MtF TS who is not aggressive, I am taking it slow and don't want to push her.  Our relationship has been getting closer and closer.

This next one can get confusing in the Pronouns.

With a close MtF CD, I am doing the same.  I will refer to Her as I have not physically met Him.  We have been getting closer, but She has said it is getting overwhelming at times, so I have to take it very slow.  I've explained that I want to get close to the whole person Male and Female.  She has told me about His life and showed pictures of Him in his job and His children.

Not all Men or MtF are the aggressor in life.  The MtF TS was pursued into marriage by an AFAB, and has children.  This was also true of my partner.
In my Pre life, I was not the aggressor, but was never pursued by any AFAB or AMAB.

I hope that Him and You get some couples Therapy, and he may also need some more Gender Therapy, for him to work out all his battles.  It could be that you may have to be the aggressor, if that doesn't work for you, I don't see you as a successful couple.

Hi Marie  :icon_wave:

Welcome to Susan's Place  :)  Glad to have you here, join on in the fun

I haven't dated for years so I can't say much on that, but I did want to welcome you to the site

Hugs

V M

Sounds like neither of you are in the wrong, really. I appreciate how respective and supportive you are of ftms and how you view them as men.


You're not rude, mean, or wrong for having a preference for a type of personality in your relationship. That's a big thing in relationship is people needing to have their emotional needs met, and finding compromises and ways to get them. I had a friend once who was very in love with is girlfriend. Thing is, he really wanted intimacy in his relationship;kissing, cuddling, sex. His girlfriend was asexual though, and the idea of intimacy was uncomfortable to her, and she would only want to do it if it made him happy. This led to a lot of sadness and confusion, because he felt bad and guilty for having to push her like that to gmhave his needs met. He suggested an open relationship, seeing if he could find someone to help him in his sexual intimacy needs, she considered the idea but overall didn't like it. They talked openly about it for quite a bit and both decided it was best they separate. Granted, it was on friendly terms and there was no hostility, and that's hopefully what you will achieve when all options are exhausted.


As people have said, you may have to have to separate, because you're not wrong for having your desires met. He's als not wrong for being himself and having that kind of less-dominant role in a relationship. It's a difficult situation, if you asked him politely and made sure to emphasize the fact that it has nothing to do with his manhood and it's more about what you desire in a relationship, then you're doing the right thing. If he gets really upset and can't accept that, it's on him. Some emotional instability and dysphoria is to be expected though, as regardless of how intentional or unintentional it is he's not going to feel like a man because of the flaws of his personality. How he and you handle that situation is going to be the important aspect to consider here, and it's your part to do your best to word your feelings and emotions in a way that will call his manhood into question less severely.


That said, there are a lot of transmen that are more dominant and take an active role in a relationship, all people are different so you'll find different personalities all across the board.

All of you have been so sweet, understanding and helpful!!   
Thank you so much.  :)