Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Hey everyone. I didnt think that i would be commenting in this section again or making a post here but i have gotta. I dont know how much longer i can keep on transitioning. This evil man force keeps coming up and ruining my happy times. A recent recap:

This month has been a real eye opener alright. It started off rocky, then it got good for a bit. Around late morning on July 5th i got this sudden connection to the things i liked, i felt really feminine just by looking at me and being able to not feel doubtful about all the crap i have been through. This lasted somewhat into the next day, sadly i ran out of good make-up and had to use a really crappy cheap brand, and with mt dark and course facial hair even after i shave that just reads ''man''. So at work i was having a small panic attack, or fight , flight or freeze response. Basically, my therpaist told me something strange... apprently, i am very dysphoirc  and seeing anything male can trigger me to have a panic attack so my mind will try to ''adapt to the pain'' and force me to like it, it is something i had to do to live through abuse growing up. Issue is, it is impossible for me to truley like being male. The following day, the 7th i felt good in th emorning wearing a new dress shirt and went out for breakfast, and got new make up :D!!! However, at theprapy i did a very small form of age-regression and apprently i was MAD!.. like bititng, hitting the table and yelling.. bit of a blur to me now, but i do recall i was anxious the rest of day. I wasnt high-strung about goign back and relving abuse, i was actually angry about having to go back in a time where i was a ''him''. The following day i was tense and angry all day. I hair ripped, bit myself, and when i was mowing the lawn vaguley recall screaming and cursing at the sky and at god (which is odd as i dont really beleeive in one) for making me born male. I only calmed down after taking a fast acting anxiety med and was a zombie for rest of day.

The following day the 9th, i woke up as if i was the same normal person i normally am. I went for a drive, sang my heart out, went to a flower nursery.. life was great. I felt like my normal self with the female mind. It was great.. the proceeding week was, well typical. Until the 15th. I acknowledged something to myself '' If i truly learned to be comfortable with my womanhood 100%, i would never need to think of ''him''!! ''. This thought then produced a feeling i havent had in, maybe ever. A complete and total disconect from anything ''male''. It was the best thing ever, i felt totally connected to myself. I recall the next few days, the 16th, 17th and 18th being so peaceful. I went for hikes around town, bike riding, being connected to nature by this place called the Emerald Necklace trial. I thought about my life, and thinks again were never clearer in my life. I knew where i wanted to be, what i should be doing, how i can help my family with a certian situation, where i wanted to be in life and i just felt so euphoric. Esepciially durning the day of the 17th and basically all day of the 18th. I never ever felt so clear minded. I felt a bit of love for myself.

Then, wednesday night happened. See, i was still getting dysphoria here and there but it got bad later, especially into thursday. I was getting dysphoric about a few male things on me (penis, faical hair still) ect. So this pain and anxiety turned into the fight or flight situation. I had to ignore it but it was still playing. Then i learned to not be distubed when i see male-ness, just ignore it.. i didnt like it at all, but dont let it attack you.. which lead my mind to fixating on ''how it didnt bother you to a panic attack, so you must be male'' and not being able to connect to my life again. This has persited since :(. I see a beautiful girl in the mirror, my mind  yells ''man'' so i have a panic attack because i hate being associated with manhood. But thats the thing, it still happens. I felt super yestarday morning connecting to my womanhood but around 2 pm, maleness ideas popped back agaun and i felt depressed . I felt like i was a fake, just a dude in drag. I was laying in bed, and when i was about to re-conect to myself i began to feel anxious, why? because when i was able to connect to myself my mind would then try pumping images of men into my head, as if to say ''you can be happy and then connect to them'' which would then plummet my mood. Last night, i decided to do my hair and felt good.. but then, my mind was boggled with how much of a fake i am as i still have ''him'' somwhere. I couldnt barley even sleep, i was tossing and turning for hours, when i did get to sleep i had bizzare and weird dreams. It wasnt good

Today, I felt better as i felt myself a bit, or at the very least didnt feel ''male''. But when looking at a mirror and seeing bread  shadow while wearing expensive make-up i crashed and burned a bit.


See, no matter what ''he'' will always ruin me. For so long i was primed to be a man, and that hasnt ever left. Sure i hated it, but if my mind can still ''connect'' regardless of dyphsoira and push away happy feminine feelings, then what does that say? I am tired of making all this progress but havibg ''him'' pop back in. I feel likei  should go back. The good news is, if i go back i may feel suicidal again. Maybe that is the only way to get rid of ''him''. Im just tired of this, all this hard work and happniess for nothing.

Ashley

I'm so sorry to read this account of the problems you are having after you have come so far. You have to know in your heart that all this hard work and happiness" is not for nothing. It is your reward for the hard work. All it mean is that you are not there just yet. You are not quite where you need to be is all.  It as they say is a marathon Ashley and yes you have come such a long ways that you are getting good periods of being who you are inside and who you need to be. Don't give up just yet Ashley, Please. Watching the progress you make under such difficulties does so much to help others here including myself. I see your progress and think I can do some of that myself. It shows that there are happier times ahead for those the are still struggling to begin their own journeys.
  Sure it is horrible for you when these things happen but Ashley you know you have friends here that will help you if they can. You have a following that is rooting for your success and are proud of the ones you have had. This is just another stumbling block set in your path that will eventually help you grow and be stronger in the woman you aspire to be. Don't despair or give up hope Ashley. This can be overcome and you know inside that you are strong enough to do it. Put your shoulder to the wheel and just do it girl.

Hoping you have many much better days ahead.

Hugs,
   Laurie

Thanks girl, i just dono. I am tired of still feelig ''him''

He was suppose to die a long time ago

Quote from: SailorMars1994 on July 24, 2017, 01:20:44 PM
Thanks girl, i just dono. I am tired of still feelig ''him''

He was suppose to die a long time ago

You just have a few unresolved issued to deal with before putting him to bed for good.  You'll be okay when you do. We'll be here to hold your hand in the meantime.

Hugs,
   Laurie

Thank you Laurie,

Having just read your latest post i got some tears forming in my eye. Because the thing is, i did beleve that and i still want to. Last week, i came to that conclussion and lose ''him'' for quite sometime and yet never felt better. But these past fews days i am drowning in all the negativity. Sometimes i fear ''he'' will never go away, and i cant do or see anuthing other then ''him''. But, i did have some amazing times in the past few months where that idea wasnt around and i could be me and it felt great.

Like so peaceful, probably too good to be true eh? and and the fact i cant get over how ''masculine'' i lived for so long and how i fear that i could just indeed do it all over again, i may not like it but it was programed into me.

Idk, just a hard weekend. I hate these moments, because it always feels the good things never stay

Quote from: SailorMars1994 on July 24, 2017, 01:57:50 PM
Thank you Laurie,

Having just read your latest post i got some tears forming in my eye. Because the thing is, i did beleve that and i still want to....i did have some amazing times in the past few months where that idea wasnt around and i could be me and it felt great.

Like so peaceful,
it always feels the good things never stay

But my dear Ashley, You need to focus on those good things and not let the bad get you so down.

It may feel like the good things never stay but someday they are going to Ashley, they are going to. Don't give up hope on that... instead believe in it.

Hugs,
   Laurie

Dysphoria is a bad stuff, no doubt about it and it makes us want to give up at times, on many levels. But, it does get better with time and there are more and more days like the better times that you describe. Therapy helps a lot as does exercise in my opinion.

For me, i decided to not refer to myself as old person / new person, i am the same person just in the midst of many large changes. I guess i did not want to give the whole concept of gender more important than it is, and power over me if that makes sense. I know many can't imagine thinking through my approach, but i offer it up nevertheless.

Thanks.. i will see how the rest of this week goes. I am just so tired of this. See,being a guy i hated it. But just with about anything that brings me great pain my mind disossicates from it. Meaning, i had no idea how much i hated being male until after i came out and started living female. Its like it opened pandoras box, yet i still cant get rid of those nasty ''male'' feelings. Its almost like a war, and the bad side is fighting for dear life. I worry i am slipping back to old times. I have had a headache since yestarday and started to dry heeve not too long ago. Havent had that happen in a very long time. Its painful given how amazing life has been lately

Only my opinion here. I think the fear is making you question your female self. You never talk about being tempted to head toward something (male) for any positive reason, never talk about how great it is to be a guy. I feel, you are letting the fear control things not what you really want. Sorry I am a little late to this Girl. So, if you give up and head for maleville, tell me two benefits, two positive things that you will gain.
Moni

Hey Moni! congrats on your surgery again <3!! you deserve all that greatness :)

You are right. There is not a single thing that brings me to the idea that being male will have any positive impact on my life. Could, and probably will bring me back to a worse place, or i could somehow learn to disoscaite from all feelings like i did before my transition that began in 2014. Either or, i dont see anything happy , or positive, or benefical that being male could bring.

The only thing that plays on my mind is that somehow the ones i truested most who ended up feeding me shame and doubt will end up right and i will just be some dude. As for fear, i am unsure what you mean. Idont know how i could be fearful of womanhood as the more feminine and the more womanly i get that happier i am. But, its gets snatched from some force deep in my mind.

Hi Ashley,

I am sorry you are going through this difficult time. You have given me help and advice in the past which I found helpful. It may have been under a different username of Jessie007 or a previous account of Jayne01. I kept deleting my previous accounts due to my own fears and anxieties, but those details are for another topic.

Moni might be on to something about the fear. You have lived as a male the majority of your life. It wasn't the way you wanted it to be, but that's just the way it turned out and kind of became the default state. It is what you knew.

Being a woman is who you are so you are happy when you are feminine and connected with the girl inside you. If some event happens that causes you to connect with "him", you get derailed because you don't want anything to do with him. Robyn's approach may be of help to you. Rather than trying to delete "him" entirely from your mind, think of "him" as the one who got you through the abuse you suffered growing up. He served a purpose. He isn't the enemy, he just got you to where you are now. He is the caterpillar and Ashley is the butterfly, but you are still the same person. You are YOU, the same person you have always been. The outside is the only thing that is changing.  Ashley just isn't all the way out of her cocoon yet. You will get to where you need to be. You have support here when you need it. Hang in there.

I hope I haven't spoken out of line. Take care of yourself.

Jayne

Hey Jayne. You have not spoken out of line at all, and with that said i am happy that i have been able to give you useful advice at some point. I only wish i had advice for myself atm.

I am seeing both yours and Robyns point but the truth is i dont view myself nessicarly as a ''different'' person. In fairness many of the same likes and dislikes and beleifs i have now i still had back then. I also dont feel like a ''different'' person but i do, however feel things have been opening up. I have connected and gained new things that i never even thought i would have before. So i am still me as i always been, but its like the more i get connected to the real me, the female, the life i love i get reminded of the old life and then odd feelings roar and they drain my attention. As Moni said, i dont see anything good coming from going back. Its just i am tired of my mind ripping me away from the things that feel good and fixating on the uncomfortable things. Its like a battle that never ends. I suppose fear can play a factor in that regard, i just dono how to move past.

This is very upsetting and tiring as you can imagine. I really do wish i was just born female and this whole things would have been right to begin with.

Thanks for the love and concerns tho, i appreicate it from you all

Love-Ashley

Hi, Ashley!

There are a lot of great points you make here.  Key is that you recognize yourself, your female self, as being fully yourself.  The old 'male self' is really just part of you, with bits of you suppressed, and trying to work hard at 'passing as male'.

You've mentioned that your therapy has involved trying to process events from childhood, and that brings back memories of 'maleness', for lack of a better term.  Yes, that is a definite dysphoria trigger in many of us, and as your therapist says, it is biting you hard!  The good news is that as you process all that old stuff you get to come to terms with yourself, and the will lead to less pain, and less dysphoria as you become the confident woman I see in you and leave childhood and its influences on you behind. 

You already recognize the old feelings as more of a distraction than anything else, even though intense.  I think that as your therapy progresses you will see past these unpleasant things, learn to set them aside, and build your self-confidence. It is definitely exhausting work to deal with this, but each time you deal with it and return to your present self, you are stronger, and the dead past loses a little of its hold.

This is not an easy path that any of us are on. Know that you are loved, that others have your back, and we are here for you.  Lean on us, borrow our strength, and become yourself.

With love and respect,
Michelle P.

Ashley, as far as I can remember, your downs are pretty brief. Maybe try to remember that? You're female as far as I can see and I think you deserve to simply have some faith in yourself.

I don't know what feeling male is like for you. I guess to me I have some habits that I knew myself as masculine role and I've had nearly 20 years of knowing I'm female and I guess the changes being gradual maybe makes the change feel less drastic. I'm not always happy about them and then I have to allow that habits don't change overnight.

I guess these days it's limited to when I hit a difficult situation I sometimes realize I have a choice to draw on masculine behavior to solve a problem. These days I almost never exercise that or even feel the temptation. What lingers longer is memory of all the times, all the years that I resorted to masculine aggression to get by, to make life a little easier. Also the times I am reminded of are invariably times of stress and usually triggering of other things in my past.

Socialization doesn't just go away overnight. I don't know if that's what you're dealing with but it sure feels like familiar territory.

Thanks Sadie and Michelle. Much appreciated <3

I am unsure what my issue is. I have had a lot more male socialazation most of my life then female. I knew as a young kid i enjoyed female socialization, but at some point i ended up feeling kinda scared/unsafe about it (perhaps part of that is related to that truama) and as a result of it got anxious around women and tried to be super male. Now, or past couple of year i have been connecting to more women but i still get mental blocks. Like i enjoy it, but i feel as though i should and that it is still ''not allowed''. Yet, i feel weird and not belonging to the males.

I do have social dysphoira.. if i am around men a group of guys and i start feeling like one of them i will feel sad or high strung. Yet, i still feel a mental block to accept myself around my amazing group of female friends. This weeked, i breifly thought about cutting them out of my life too in addition to my lgbt friends as i thought about ''going back''. It wasnt pretty, but my anxiety flared up and i wasnt thinking stirght nor thinking about the thing i like to think about

I also have plenty of body dysphoira. My therapist has said that the amount of dysphoira i have and have had even well before transition seems to have been rather intense that it (dont laugh) appeared to be actualy truamtic. So, when my mind is in a state of panic like that it tries to ''embrace'' the super uncomfortable expeirce. That ''embracing'' uncomfortable experinses is a coping mechinism i have had since childhood i discovered recently. Issue is, i cant embrace this. Not soley because deep down i flat out dont want to go back but because even during times i tried to be fine with it, the dysphoira would rock back 10xs worse the the previous time (like my hopsital visit in November 2016). So yes, i have body dysphoira too. So much so that a couple days ago i began to heeve at the thought of amasculine body.

Again, i dont want to go back. But my mind isnt allowing me to move further and when i do make any gains, my mind puts me back to the dumps. I dont think i will go back in the mean time, but i may be off susans for a bit. Idk, im just tired of the see-saw

Much love-Ashley

Ashley,
   I get and sympathize with how distressing this is for you. I had this whip lash emotion thing for decades. You have things straighter than I did  at this point in your life. I think you will work through this panic/flight thing that hits you from time to time. It seems to happen less and less frequently. It would probably be good to spend time with the therapist on this issue so it becomes clearer why it happens and you get the tools to not let the panic rule  you. Stop me if I am wrong, but it seems like you do what many in sports have trouble with. It is like mentally choking while playing the big game. When things are going good, it many times happens that sports figures sabotage themselves (choking), they lose confidence, and the fear takes over.The result is they lose the big game. They have sports psychologists all over to try to fight this kind of thing. It is very common. Ever fear taking a test so much you make yourself fail it? To me, you  are happy being female and you end of saying it's too good to be true, so I will sabotage things and the fear takes over. Does it make any sense? Well, it is only my opinion of how things are.
Love,
Moni

Quote from: HappyMoni on July 26, 2017, 07:55:02 AM
Ashley,
   I get and sympathize with how distressing this is for you. I had this whip lash emotion thing for decades. You have things straighter than I did  at this point in your life. I think you will work through this panic/flight thing that hits you from time to time. It seems to happen less and less frequently. It would probably be good to spend time with the therapist on this issue so it becomes clearer why it happens and you get the tools to not let the panic rule  you. Stop me if I am wrong, but it seems like you do what many in sports have trouble with. It is like mentally choking while playing the big game. When things are going good, it many times happens that sports figures sabotage themselves (choking), they lose confidence, and the fear takes over.The result is they lose the big game. They have sports psychologists all over to try to fight this kind of thing. It is very common. Ever fear taking a test so much you make yourself fail it? To me, you  are happy being female and you end of saying it's too good to be true, so I will sabotage things and the fear takes over. Does it make any sense? Well, it is only my opinion of how things are.
Love,
Moni

I think you may be right. Because these powerful emotions that led me astray i dont seem to have great acsess to and cant  work with them on my own. Looking at it today, i think i am still scared to allow myself to fully embrace th elife that has brought me more joy then anything else. Sadly, when i was dealing with the emotions i couldnt find a happy place. Keep continuing my path and be happier yet deal with fear and some anxiety or allow the doubtful/sabatage/highly dysphoric feelings to kick in, which over-ride my mind but make me physically ill as i couldnt stand the old life. No winning. Its like i know what i want, but something in me wants to kill any chance of that or moving past problems and instead makes me fixate on all my insecurites and dislikes.

I am really appreciative of all your help and support. Maybe i can figure this out one day.. but it is annoying me. It is even more annoying when you get caught up in those moments of doubt or guilt and cant find your happy place.Largley because the doubt and guilt actually seem in some wya to play hand in hand with dysphoria, making it unbearable. You realize you are far better mentally on female hormones (trust me, i was worse when T was the hormone in body) and you love to keep on this path. But your mind is putting you in constant competion with fears or doubts and of course, the dysphoira.... may i ask Moni, what is this whip lash emotion you speak of and how did you get past it? i could use some pointers


In anycase, a  better day from where i was on the weekend

Hey-hey, (hugs).

Here you are learning your way to all your female quirks and idiosyncrasies on your path to realise your womanhood, in doing so you're out of your comfort zone, and Not surprisingly, are sometimes triggered to a complete 'flight' mentally back to the safety of everything you knew well.

Once HRT is doing it's job properly, it seems like for some, our brains suddenly realise that the blueprint wasn't followed, and everything didn't grow according to plan.

One thing is for certain sweetie, you're made of tough stuff, and have a great group of cheerleaders :)

Rowan

Quote from: SailorMars1994 on July 26, 2017, 09:29:35 PM
I am really appreciative of all your help and support. Maybe i can figure this out one day.. but it is annoying me. It is even more annoying when you get caught up in those moments of doubt or guilt and cant find your happy place.Largley because the doubt and guilt actually seem in some wya to play hand in hand with dysphoria, making it unbearable. You realize you are far better mentally on female hormones (trust me, i was worse when T was the hormone in body) and you love to keep on this path. But your mind is putting you in constant competion with fears or doubts and of course, the dysphoira.... may i ask Moni, what is this whip lash emotion you speak of and how did you get past it? i could use some pointers


In anycase, a  better day from where i was on the weekend

Ash,
   I can tell u what I experienced, but don't assume we have the same situation or resolution, ok? My whip lash of emotions was based on a life long draw toward femininity. Like everyone else it never went away for long. In the age I grew up in, there was no toleration of feminine behavior or thoughts. There was tremendous pressure creating shame and guilt in my young mind. I secretly would love having feminine thoughts until something triggered me and the guilt would flood my brain. I knew nothing really of transgender anything. The feminine would always return and the cycle continued for decades. What caused the switching back and forth? Hormones was a big part, the guilt, the lack of knowledge, all these things played a roll, I think. What finally worked in the end, I really  don't know if it would have worked way back then. I can't say if transitioning when I was 25 would have worked. I do know I am trans now and am content to have transitioned. I never have these thought cycles since I decided, out of desperation, that I had to try something different. What I finally realized at 57 was that everything feminine throughout my life had always been pleasant, comforting to me. What was causing me distress and pain was always the guilt, shame, and denial. This meant that my only chance for happiness had to involve accepting myself as female and rejecting everything in my head telling me that I could be a male, including all the guilt and denial. This was a process for sure. The thing is, I had a lifetime of experience telling me that this was my ONLY path. As I did everything toward transition, I watched like  a hawk to see if the cycles would return. I finally came to know that the intrusion of the male thoughts and negativity could  be stopped. It took a commitment.
   Is this you? I don't know. I do think I have seen some people who have bad things in there life treat the bad things like it is their companion. They say over and over, "I have this awful thing. It will never go away. You say it could  go away? No no, I have this awful thing and it will never go away." They are so sure, they, I my opinion, make it stay. If that is you, I would  suggest that you open your mind  to the thought that, "This bad thing can go. I can kick it's ass. I will get past it." You can, you know. But you have to start believing it.
Moni

Stop fighting yourself and beating yourself up. Embrace yourself for who you are. I acknowledge that in my mind I want to be female, but when I look in the mirror I look male. The way I see it, there are cis-gender women who look very feminine, but others that look so called, "butchy". There are also cis-gender men that are effeminate. There are also people who are considered ugly by cultural norms and people with weight problems. Few people meet that ideal of what a man or woman should look like. You sound like someone who wouldn't judge others. Wouldn't you tell them to love themselves for who they are. Self-judgment is so destructive. Maybe you will never look like a cis-gender woman. So what. You are just like the majority of all of us that just will never look like what we think everyone wants us to look like. It is fine. When you get upset in the mirror by your beard growth, acknowledge the thought and let it pass like you are throwing it into a river. Celebrate who you are. Beauty is skin deep. True beauty lies in our minds and souls. It is not expressed as looking a certain way, but in compassion, love and gratitude. Be grateful for the wonderful qualities you possess and not resentful for what you don't have. You're newfound positive energy will light up your world. Namaste or translated as ~ The light in me bows to the light in you.

One thing I see for sure in the words you wrote, is that you or at least your subconscious, knows you are female. Hang in there,  it will be worth it when "he" disappears for good.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Quote from: HappyMoni on July 27, 2017, 09:06:10 AM
Ash,
   I can tell u what I experienced, but don't assume we have the same situation or resolution, ok? My whip lash of emotions was based on a life long draw toward femininity. Like everyone else it never went away for long. In the age I grew up in, there was no toleration of feminine behavior or thoughts. There was tremendous pressure creating shame and guilt in my young mind. I secretly would love having feminine thoughts until something triggered me and the guilt would flood my brain. I knew nothing really of transgender anything. The feminine would always return and the cycle continued for decades. What caused the switching back and forth? Hormones was a big part, the guilt, the lack of knowledge, all these things played a roll, I think. What finally worked in the end, I really  don't know if it would have worked way back then. I can't say if transitioning when I was 25 would have worked. I do know I am trans now and am content to have transitioned. I never have these thought cycles since I decided, out of desperation, that I had to try something different. What I finally realized at 57 was that everything feminine throughout my life had always been pleasant, comforting to me. What was causing me distress and pain was always the guilt, shame, and denial. This meant that my only chance for happiness had to involve accepting myself as female and rejecting everything in my head telling me that I could be a male, including all the guilt and denial. This was a process for sure. The thing is, I had a lifetime of experience telling me that this was my ONLY path. As I did everything toward transition, I watched like  a hawk to see if the cycles would return. I finally came to know that the intrusion of the male thoughts and negativity could  be stopped. It took a commitment.
   Is this you? I don't know. I do think I have seen some people who have bad things in there life treat the bad things like it is their companion. They say over and over, "I have this awful thing. It will never go away. You say it could  go away? No no, I have this awful thing and it will never go away." They are so sure, they, I my opinion, make it stay. If that is you, I would  suggest that you open your mind  to the thought that, "This bad thing can go. I can kick it's ass. I will get past it." You can, you know. But you have to start believing it.
Moni

  What she said... Dang it I hate when I have to agree with That Woman but when she says something right it's hard not to.

Hugs,
   Laurie

I know this is a fear thing. I dont know how to overcome it tho.

As i said i love being female, and femininity is the best thing. But for whatever reason, i still have fear over it. I see a beautiful girl in the mirror, and my mind tries to run away from her and thing ''manly''. But whenever i have tried  the ''man brain''  I end up feeling very anxuous, stressed and dysphoirc to the point of physical illness. I cant win. My mind , something in there wants to run with the devil i grew up as. Yet, when i do i am angry, resentful and bitter and just want to kill myself. I love my inner woman, my trueself. Yet my brain still wants to reject her and thing of ''him''.

I do have times, a lot more recently where i can connect to my inner woman.. inside and out.. but as soon as ''he'' lears his ugly head it basically game over. Dysphoira followed by doubt then a mega crash yet denial and shame of who i like being, and when i feel secure can say who i am (Ashley/female)

I looked back in mylife, realzied i was drawn to girly things as a kid but pushed them all away to be that ''boy''. Some place in my mind hasnt gotten rid of that mentality. Fear being my real self, or go along with the anxiety, doubt, shame, guilt and entertain the ''male'' stuff and then feel 10 times worse.

Its like there is part of my brain, myself that just wont ever allow myself to be happy. I dont know why. Prior to last thursday the world was my oyster, ''he'' vanished for a bit. I never felt better or more secure.. then, the dysphoria came back and my mind went loopy. Its like i tried to make all that ''male'' stuff in my life less dysphoric and bothersome and although it has never not bothered me, i can disociate from the disgust and sadnes it brings. I still cant change my feelings about how happy i am as a woman, and keep it that way without something smashing it and making me second guess myself. The dysphoira of the male hasnt gone away at all, its just been more repressed. The euphoira i have as a woman likewise, is always pretty muched being repressed deep in the mind. As i have said however, during the times that it is not repressed and i can enjoy her i feel never better. Its true.. which is why why my mind self-represses these feelings it makes the burn out and dysphoria all that much worse.

The good note it, today is yet another better day. I felt more active and got a lot more done and feel reasonablly content atm :)... but i am waiting for that burn out again.. probably tonight where i lose myself to the dark side.

I feel like a lost cause.

QuoteI know this is a fear thing. I dont know how to overcome it tho.

You don't need to be the kwizatz haderach or a bene Gesserit witch to learn from their litany.

"I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain."

Prove you are human :-)

Ashley, I know you are frustrated, but I don't think you will beat this thing until you start to believe you can.
Moni

Quote from: HappyMoni on July 27, 2017, 09:17:21 PM
Ashley, I know you are frustrated, but I don't think you will beat this thing until you start to believe you can.
Moni

Yes Moni. I get it. Again, i am really sorry i posted this thread. Things have been great for a while before last week (minus the 7th and 8th). I just guess i dont know how i can beat it or believe in myself. I start to enjoy life for once then something brings me straight back to a place i dont wanna be mentally. Leading to a rather depressing rant post like this. I dont want to be in this state of mind, or on Susans complaining about my mental stupidity. I want to be where i was not too long ago. At peace.

Again, I love you all and I hope you all know that. I appricate your help and input. I just wish i knew how to help myself.

Love-Ashley

You know Ashley, we are all expert at fixing other people's problem. When it comes to fixing our own issues... well? Maybe we should switch. You fix mine and I fix yours.lol

Lol xD, diverting away from this post for  a moment that is so true.

I can help just about anyone, who isnt me, with anything that isnt about me. I can talk a friend out of self harm or even suicide, i can give someone good leads for jobs, i can be the perfect pillow someone to just let their emotions out on or even a ''counsellor''.

Yet the one thing I always seem never to have under control is my own mind and fears.

You got that one right, lets exchange <3

Gotta say. Since getting my new glasses yestarday i am feeling more confident. They are a deep purple and actually make me look more feminine then i already do. That is a huge self esteem booster to say the least. This morning is even better then yestardays. Maybe I am back on the up tik. Still, it is disturbing to have such a great sense of self and feel super content then have dysphoira overwhelm and make you , somehow, second guess everything.

Ah well, going on a girls shopping day sunday with mom and sister in Ottawa. Maybe thats what i will need to feel myself again, buy some new shirts and make up. Just thinking about it is making me feel a sparkle in the heart :)

Hope you all have a great day. Again, much love-Ashley

Glasses are a funny thing.  They change how we see the world, and they also change how others see us.  New glasses at this point sound like a good idea.  ;)

And shopping therapy, on a girls day out for the family sounds great!

I hope you have a good weekend.  You deserve it.

I am so glad to hear you are beginning to feel better Ashley. And I think the girls shopping day will help a lot with banishing altogether.

Hug,
   Laurie

I think you are right Laurie. I been feeling more myself and confident since yestarday morning. Almost as good as prior to last thursdays crash. Even this past crappy week has been an eye opener but in many good ways. Last night, a pretty good night i went to see a family friend and she could not stop tell me how good i look, how nice hair is growing out and how calmer i look compared to when i was saw her in February. So yea, good stuff there.

But yes, a shopping date, movies and Costco trip will probably be the bet thing ever.

Love ya <3

Ashley, it sure sounds like you are recovering faster and becoming more certain in yourself.  It can be hard to see this from your viewpoint but I certainly see it.

You're healing and improving. Many here see it, and your friend certainly does.

Congratulations and virtual hugs!
Michelle



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Awwww. Yup. That Ottawa trip was much needed indeed :). Didnt have enough for Sephora :(, but i still got back up make-up when this tube goes away. I did however get taco bell >:D and saw a movie with my Mama and sister. Got some ice cream at Costco and we went to go downtown to see machanical spider and some kinda flame throwing dragon i think, they are all mechanical and where in Ottawa. 1000s of people were in the street and traffic was a mess. In anycase, back home now. It was a great day to get out and have some family time. Feeling myself again for the past couple days so that helps me a lot <3

YAY!!  Ashley is truely back in town!.

  Glad you had a really good time girl.

Hugs,
   Laurie

Oh Laurie.. i dot think she truely went away ;)

<3