Susan's Place Transgender Resources

I am also being treated for anxiety and depression. I tend to worry too much. Catastrophic thinking. This makes therapy tough. I get overwhelmed emotionally. For instance, when the idea of being transsexual came up in my head, I panicked. All of a sudden it was, I'll lose my job, my house, my wife, my kids, I'll be poor and living in the ghetto cause no one will hire an obvious transsexual.

We all know stories where this has happened to trans people. It could be easier to just suck down the Prozac and not deal with it.

This is where I'm stuck. If I do therapy, I might find out I'm a transsexual. Or, I might find out I'm not and will get along find just embracing femininity. I know, intellectually, that it would be better for me to know. But, I'm so afraid to open up to myself about this. It causes me a lot of stress just thinking about it. How did you deal with getting over this disabling fear/emotion/etc? You might want to say just push forward, but I'm also supposed to try to reduce my anxiety symptoms as well as discover my place on the gender spectrum. How can I go forward and minimize anxiety at the same time? What worked for you?

I never had this issue but there is something to remember. In treating gender dysphoria, nothing happens unless you want it to happen. You must agree to RLE, HRT and surgery. If you don't what it, it isn't going to happen.

You have a support system here that is extremely good and if there is a way to avoid problems, we will help you with it. Most of the the time, the worst case doesn't happen. We also live in a world now that is far more accepting than the one I transitioned in. Yes it is possible to lose a job. It happens to CIS all the time. While I don't know what you look like, I suspect you can put on a presentable image. While my avatar looks feminine, until two year ago, my voice was in the mid masculine range. Still I remained employed and even did phone support work. Just deal with one problem at a time and don't worry about the problems that aren't yet problems.

Thanks, I reread my post, and it seems like I catastrophized my gender issues. I got to get a handle on this anxiety thing.

Hi Amanda,

  I cannot say I know anything about anxiety issues but I am sure that they are no fun. I have a gender therapist but then I don't currently have a "next appointment" I don't have any really pressing issues so my therapist has left it up to me to decide when I need to talk again. I am thinking of making an appointment just to talk over a few things that I have recently done and discuss how I feel they have affected me. Mind you these are good things but discussing how I feel about them could be beneficial. So keep in mind gender therapy is not just about things that distress you. They can help you see what to do next or just explore how you feel about things.

  I hope you approach therapy as something that can really help you deal with things whether they be good or ones that cause you anxiety. Talking  about both is good for you.

Hugs,
   Laurie

As Dena said, way too many people make that fantastic leap from "I think I may be trans" to "OMG I need to transition. I'll loose everything, my friends, family job, money...." This sure does not exactly sound like the pathway to happiness to me

I know/knew I was trans since I was like 4. I was also 6ft tall and balding fast since like 14. I've been on full dose HRT since like 54. I still live and present primarily as male. I also found a path to happiness that so far allows me to balance all the needs and wants in my life that are important to me. Even most of those in total conflict

A TG support group may be too much of a cheering squad for you at this point. A gender therapist with experience with a broad spectrum of TG clients from questioning, CD, Non-Binary, to full transitioning sounds like a good option to help you sort things out.

And then.... There is "Susan's". Like many Self-Help book was for me, Some spoke to me and I couldn't put them down. Others got sent back to library after the first few chapters, if that far

There are many of us here on the forum that struggle with be transgender.  I am one of them. 

It is not a given that you will need to transition; indeed the decision to do so is a complex one that needs to be sorted out in a course of proper therapy by a skillful, well-trained therapist.  Especially, if you are prone to panic or other affective disorder superimposed on your gender issues, you really need to find a well qualified therapist and potentially a psychiatrist if medications are needed.  Be sure to sort out all your issues, most likely the panic issues first then once in a better state of mind, the gender concerns.

I urge you not to approach this from the standpoint of avoidance; specifically, fearing that therapy will raise the specter of ->-bleeped-<-.  The fact that you joined this forum and are struggling with questions over gender signals that you need therapy and someone to help you figure out the bigger picture.  Gender dysphoria is a nasty thing and cannot be ignored or wished away.  You will need to confront it at some point or alternatively struggle with anxiety and depression.

It is not a given that you will need to abandon wife, family, children, work, community, etc.; nor is it a given that they will abandon you. 

While you may get many perspectives on this forum, my own and that of many is that transition is not a monolithic entity, not the answer for all, in most cases the last resort when dysphoria is unmanageable by lesser means.  Some can obtain sufficient relief without full physical and social transition (my case) while others struggle with severe depression, anxiety, and overall misery leading to suicide without it.  The decision to transition is such a monumental event in one's life, one that should not be made without the benefit of professional counsel and careful consideration of all the options.  That said, there are those where the decision is self evident.

I urge you to read the brief book by Anne Vitale, PhD, The Gendered Self.  She's  a gender therapist and MTF transexual.  I found her observations spot on and advice insightful.   

https://www.amazon.com/Anne-M-Vitale/e/B004MFRCZ0 (https://www.amazon.com/Anne-M-Vitale/e/B004MFRCZ0)

Her website:

http://www.avitale.com/ (http://www.avitale.com/)

Also see this series of YouTube videos:

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCfO3B57E6NpIn-KsVjvmLLw (https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCfO3B57E6NpIn-KsVjvmLLw)

Also see this current Susan's thread:


https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,226526.0/topicseen.html (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,226526.0/topicseen.html)

Well it looks like we're narrowing things down. I'm not a crossdresser, fetish or otherwise. I'm also not a transsexual, i.e., needing surgery. I'm in the middle somewhere on the spectrum, lean more toward female.

I have too many conditions to be a TS. I could transition if I could look like Marlo Thomas in my avatar, but not as a non-passing TS. I won't go there, that's my limit. I think if I was really TS, I wouldn't care. I would like electrolysis and may discuss with the wife. The idea of having breasts is very attractive, but not sure on that one. I would have to have the wife be okay with it and then decide if I need hormones or not. Not too sure though, it's a heavy step, health risks, etc. and what do I do if they show in guy mode? Yeah, maybe not, unless I wanted to go 24/7.

Could I live as a woman, yes. Would I? If I was good-looking, yes. If I was an obvious TS or not good-looking, no.  If FFS made me presentable would I? I don't know, it's an awful lot of pain, etc. to try to get there. Not sure I want to work that hard. I've been out crossdressed in my youth and was presentable, but now, I'd need a little work. I do know I need to move more toward the feminine to be happy. Lose weight, some electrolysis, etc.

I knew a TS once, I thought, hmmm, maybe. Then I saw an obvious TS who just didn't pass. I got a visceral response and thought, "no way, no effin way". I'm sorry if that is harsh. Just telling the truth.

Too many conditions being thrown up. While I want to be a woman, sometimes very badly, I don't "have to" be a woman. Who knows, maybe later I'll change my mind. But for now, no.

Please feel free to comment.  :)

Quote from: amandam on August 01, 2017, 08:19:58 PM
Well it looks like we're narrowing things down. I'm not a crossdresser, fetish or otherwise. I'm also not a transsexual, i.e., needing surgery. I'm in the middle somewhere on the spectrum, lean more toward female.

Welcome to the spectrum, somewhere up the creek without a paddle  ;D

QuoteI have too many conditions to be a TS. I could transition if I could look like Marlo Thomas in my avatar, but not as a non-passing TS. I won't go there, that's my limit. I think if I was really TS, I wouldn't care. I would like electrolysis and may discuss with the wife. The idea of having breasts is very attractive, but not sure on that one. I would have to have the wife be okay with it and then decide if I need hormones or not. Not too sure though, it's a heavy step, health risks, etc. and what do I do if they show in guy mode? Yeah, maybe not, unless I wanted to go 24/7.

All things in life are subject to change, as you probably been noticing. I could have written this 30 years, 20 years ago, and 8 years ago when I first walked into my first ever therapists office saying transition isn't on my RADAR, been there tried it twice, not for me. Now it's 8 years of HRT, a body I feel happy living in, and a TON of working on myself to heal the wounds from a lifetime of trying to trying to keep an ocean of corks submerged from inside my leaky row-boat

QuoteCould I live as a woman, yes. Would I? If I was good-looking, yes. If I was an obvious TS or not good-looking, no.  If FFS made me presentable would I? I don't know, it's an awful lot of pain, etc. to try to get there. Not sure I want to work that hard. I've been out crossdressed in my youth and was presentable, but now, I'd need a little work. I do know I need to move more toward the feminine to be happy. Lose weight, some electrolysis, etc.

"Vanity, thy name is woman" ;D
Some 30+ years ago I made a horrid female presentation. At 6ft tall, big everything, deeper then the average male voice, and balding fast I "settled" for being just a CD. I'm still that same, even older, even balder person. Yet a lot has changed about myself, most importantly accepting who and what I am. Not intellectually, but on a deep emotional level. Fast forward to today, like a fine wine I got better with age. Even to my TG support group members I was unrecognizable in male mode the first time they saw me that way for a TDOR activity.

QuoteI knew a TS once, I thought, hmmm, maybe. Then I saw an obvious TS who just didn't pass. I got a visceral response and thought, "no way, no effin way". I'm sorry if that is harsh. Just telling the truth.

And did you happen to take notice of the aura of joy and happiness that enveloped her? Again 30 years ago I experienced that same reaction. Lots of internalized transphobia, Shame, Guilt, and the dark cloud of "Some Guy in a Dress" that enveloped me. I see the world differently today thanks to hard work I put in to heal myself from the inside. How I saw my outsides only changed after that. How I experienced moving through the world also changed. Nothing can compare to the sheer joy of being out in the real world as the real me. When I get that occasional too long of a look my way, my immediate reaction is not "Some guy in a dress" like it was in the past. Today I think to myself I guess I was right I looked pretty good for an dinosaur as I took that last look in the full length mirror before leaving the house.

QuoteToo many conditions being thrown up. While I want to be a woman, sometimes very badly, I don't "have to" be a woman. Who knows, maybe later I'll change my mind. But for now, no.

Same here. I do not feel the NEED to transition most days, Want to, Wish I could, Sure. It is a difficult balancing act for sure for all the other important aspects in one's life. I will not put at risk 80% or so of what is important in order to gain that incremental, if not transitory, achievement of feeling and being 100% genuine. Tomorrow.... We're playing it one day at a time hangin out on the corner of Hopelessness and Futility.

Hi Amanda,

I feel I can relate to your position fairly well.  I'm in my mid 30s, and am only now finally confronting my gender questions.  I'm also being seen for Anxiety and Depression, and I was just thinking I wanted to post on the subject when I came upon your post.  I also catastrophize- one thing leads to another, and tend to pan out a bit, and see my whole life stretched out on a line, and it's "butwhatabout-butwhatabout- butwhatabout?" and I go bonkers.  Or, I'll do the same thing, but I'll get really low, and I just want to sigh, cry, and give up on all of it.  It can be seriously overwhelming.

As a result, I'm taking things very slowly.  From what I've read of others, many on here who transition reach a point where they feel they have to, because to not do so would be so self destructive, that confronting their fears is the only conclusion.  I'm not there yet.  I am not in touch with that deep passion, however, I am deeply curious about it.  So I'm moving forward slowly to see just how important this is to me.  It is very scary. 

It sounds like you are also confronting these questions.  You've discovered all of these caveats that may help to sort of corral your viewpoint into something more or less accurate to who you are and how you feel.  What role will your gender play in your life?  Maybe transition is off the table, but perhaps there is some deep satisfaction you can find in other ways of expressing your gender.   I am asking these questions too.

I'm sorry if all I've done here is to make it about me :P   I don't mean to do that.  I just want to relate my understanding, and to let you know that you're not alone.  I am a big advocate for Therapy, I think it is wonderful.  The process may be long and slow, but I'm learning to be more in touch with my repressed feelings, and learning coping skills like breathing and locating my emotions in my body. 

I like to hear about the journey of others on this board.  I hope to hear more from you. 

Well, I've had a day to absorb it. My mind has been all over the place thinking about this. I think I am happy that I am more than a crossdresser. But, I kinda knew already. Too many signs. I also have some fears about it. The great unknown. Happiness and fear at the same time. Haven't experienced that before.

One thing I am glad of, is that my sexual proclivities are more complicated than just a crossdresser indulging fetishes to get his jollies. Not anything wrong with that, but for me, I'm a Christian, and I was upset that I was committing a sin I couldn't control. I know that my complicated sex life is probably the result of the intertwining of my male desires and my female identity. Some sort of twisted up thing, not necessarily a purposeful sin. So, I feel I need to explore my feminine self to understand myself.

Thank God for this forum and my therapist!

Well honey, you won't know what it feels to be out as a woman unless you stop panicking and try it.  Nor would you know what can you achieve there unless you try. Whether you can live as you are now or not, it's up to you really. You cannot have omelette without breaking an egg. And there is no guarantee you'd like an omelette more than the egg.

That's true. I need to decide how to move more feminine. Unless I do, I'll not be as happy as I can be. But just knowing I am transgender has brought me a certain amount of peace.

Quote from: amandam on August 02, 2017, 10:03:02 PM
That's true. I need to decide how to move more feminine. Unless I do, I'll not be as happy as I can be. But just knowing I am transgender has brought me a certain amount of peace.

The best thing to train you to move more feminine is heels. The second best are boobs. These things just make you move differently :) I loved wearing 3" heels non-stop all day in my apartment... after a few weeks it was more comfortable to wear them than go bare feet.

Well elkie-t, I could walk in heels from the very first time, no training needed. :)

I guess I've calmed down a lot. It's almost like being trans doesn't bother me any more. For a long time, I considered my transgendered feelings to be transitory, coming and going. I took that to mean I am not "completely" trans, or that I'm not trans but somewhere between trans and crossdresser, or I only think I'm trans when I'm stressed.

Then I read on here that trans feelings can ebb and flow but you are still trans. I do have times when they get overwhelming and times when they don't really bother me so much. I would like to understand this more. Any words of wisdom?

Had the sixth therapy session out of six. Here's where I stand if I am deciphering my therapist correctly, and my feelings. I am transgender, I identify as a woman. I do show some traits of being a crossdresser (maybe that's the fetish stuff, or the idealization of pretty women). It is unknown if I am a candidate for transition, it is possible. Although I want to be a woman, I don't "have to". At least not now. As I move forward in self-discovery, this may change or it may not. She said don't let the slippery-slope idea of reassignment scare me out of finding myself as I can stop at any time and for any reason. Don't make it the bogey-man at the end of the road. Walk down the road and see where I end up.

She said my number one problem is self-acceptance. She helped me create some mantras, and wants me to slowly introduce more "fem" into my life. Definitely keep my nails so I lose being self-conscience of them. Then I should do something like look into laser hair removal for the hair that bothers me, like my hands. Each "fem" item should be done slowly so I can lose the self-consciousness. I must learn to accept AND let myself feel happy about the change if that is what I feel. Don't do too much at one time and overwhelm myself as I am fighting internal transphobia, etc.

She said she could refer me to a long-term gender therapist. She also said it might be better if I wasn't so isolated, that I had friends and contacts who will accept me totally. She talked about maybe group therapy, etc. with people like me. They don't have groups like that, but the Center does in San Diego. She said I should try that before entering long-term therapy but it was my choice. I can always call her later and she'll take care of it.

What did I take away from these six sessions?

I know I am transgender, yeah, kinda knew, but I accept it now. I know my fetish feelings are diminishing so that leads me to believe I am decoupling my testosterone from my gender identity. This has been a welcome surprise. I also know that although I am transgender, I don't know what I "really" need, only a journey can tell me that. The journey all of you are on.

I also know, no matter what, I must stop my internal transphobia. I must learn to accept, then like, then love who I am. Instead of forcing this fake, macho dude on myself. I'm not very good at it anyway. Ha.

Maybe I'll transition, maybe I won't. But, I have to journey toward peace. There is no other option.<insert mantra about acceptance>.

I love my therapist, she is a true friend, I will miss her.

Just dress yourself and go out. Once you're out, you'll learn a lot of self-acceptance. You can do it at some distance from your house where no one knows you. In the beginning, go to safe places (such as LGBT-friendly bars or festivals) and stay on well-lit streets.

What is important, is not to stuck in some support group of miserable people who are too afraid to get dressed and only share their misery :) Although not all support groups are like that.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

This is so familiar and totally relatable. I've known since I was 4 or as long as I can remember, and saw therapists through the years and kept finding reasons to just exist as a male. That came to a crashing head a year ago and I started hormones a week ago. After 39 years I just got to the point where I couldn't take it anymore.

If I learned anything, it is that in this journey, you really need to assess what you need to do to be happy in your life. YOLO. If something in the middle is what you need to balance the needs and wants in your life, then that's what you should do. I wasn't true to myself and seem to be paying for it now.

 Hi Amanda,

  You have come a long way already girl. Remember that. Your therapist is so right when she advises taking things slow it isn't a race. The pace you are comfortable with is the right one. But you must not just come to a stop either, Progress is the key even if it seems at times that you are standing still, you are probably working on something that will take time. And lastly you talked of the journey "you are all on". You, my dear, are on one of your own. Don't you doubt that it started when you first had thoughts of being different and began questioning you gender. Wherever it may lead you it is a journey, one uniquely your own.
  I look forward to reading more of your journey as it unfolds so don't you go sneaking off.

Hugs,
   Laurie

Quote from: amandam on August 01, 2017, 08:19:58 PM
Well it looks like we're narrowing things down. I'm not a crossdresser, fetish or otherwise. I'm also not a transsexual, i.e., needing surgery. I'm in the middle somewhere on the spectrum, lean more toward female.

The middle can be an uncomfortable place, although some here seem to manage it quite well. 

Quote from: amandam on August 01, 2017, 08:19:58 PMCould I live as a woman, yes. Would I? If I was good-looking, yes. If I was an obvious TS or not good-looking, no.

:P

Quote from: amandam on August 01, 2017, 08:19:58 PMPlease feel free to comment.  :)

I'll take this request at face value...

It matters less in the long run what you do with your face, breasts or genitals than whether you come to realize the sort of sexism embodied in the second statement and do your utmost to overcome it.

My second statement can be taken as insulting to some people, that is not the intent, the intent is to show my present state of mind. If I choose to transition, I will not be a babe, that I know. Would I choose that path now? No. In the future? Maybe. Sexism is not involved, my internal trans-phobia is. Any other definition is incorrect.

Quote from: amandam on August 16, 2017, 01:10:25 AM
My second statement can be taken as insulting to some people, that is not the intent, the intent is to show my present state of mind. If I choose to transition, I will not be a babe, that I know. Would I choose that path now? No. In the future? Maybe. Sexism is not involved, my internal trans-phobia is. Any other definition is incorrect.

I get that you are only trying to show your state of mind, but the idea that the only sort of woman worth being is a "babe" is more than self-directed transphobia.  You're getting counseling.  This is good.  Still, you can only work on what you put on the table.  It is pointless to move towards being a woman if what you believe qualifies as a woman worth being is so deeply distorted.  That belief is inherently sexist, and you're going to have to deal with it at some point if you wish to progress.

We'll just have to agree to disagree. Sorry this is triggering you.

Well, I still have my nails. It's kinda fun taking care of them.  :) I also stopped with the weights. Don't even look at them. I'll just stretch more before my cardio. The first thing I have to do is lose weight. Maybe 30 lbs. I carry it high so I look more masculine with weight. Not that a potbelly is very fem. I am debating buying a Tria. Mostly just for hands, feet, n my three chest hairs.  :D

You shouldn't avoid weights. Weights are very powerful tool to shed weight. If your gym has a coach or fitness instructor, ask him/her to help with weight exercises to lose weight. Essentially, you should be targeting lower weights/ higher number of reps.

Also, theoretically it is possible to develop your butt muscles more with the right exercises too (squats, leg lifts). That would be good for you too

I know, but if I even look at weights the muscles grow. Scarey.

Quote from: amandam on August 18, 2017, 06:25:49 PM
I know, but if I even look at weights the muscles grow. Scarey.

Look at smaller weights.

Do you have/plan HRT? If yes, extra muscles will become flabby/feminine with long-enough estrogen exposure. I've seen linebacker-built guys turning into feminine ladies on HRT.

Objectively: the best way to burn fat is to build muscles (they don't have to be bulky though, stretching exercises _after_ workout would help).

Not planning on hrt yet, doing small things to make managing my anxiety easier while I'm figuring this out.

I signed up for Krav Maga. It's a great workout and self-defense system taught to both men and women. Half of attendees are actually women and we all have a lot of fun learning to kick groin and punch-punch-punch. Great fitness too without weight.

I get why one might not want to develop more muscle, but my personal experience is that even maintaining post-HRT is nearly impossible.  I think the better shape you are in going into it (if that is your course--it might not be), the happier you will be in the long term.

Quote from: amandam on August 18, 2017, 06:25:49 PM
I know, but if I even look at weights the muscles grow. Scarey.

If I walk pass a bakery a bakery and breath too deep I gain 5 lbs. Now THAT is scary

Well, I guess my goal at this point is to really thin out, maybe not like David Bowie, but thin enough. I have good shoulders for a guy, so those have to go, and will be the hardest to deal with. My shoulders are usually wider than guys taller than me. That's why I want to keep away from weights.

I don't know if this is yet to come, but I have lost mostly strength, but almost none of my bulk.  HRT since May 2015.

Well, I called in and asked for my six session therapist to recommend me a long-term therapist. I looked at the local transgender groups here and found one of my Facebook friend's friend! Also, at my job are high-profile people who are very politically active in the LGBTQ arena. So, there is a risk of being outed if I attend a group, even outed at work. That would be bad as I work with some very anti-whatever people. I have to think about groups for awhile before joining one. I figure continuing with therapy would be good because I am still new to this. I don't want to be on my own right now.

Quote from: amandam on August 23, 2017, 08:36:56 PM
Well, I called in and asked for my six session therapist to recommend me a long-term therapist. I looked at the local transgender groups here and found one of my Facebook friend's friend! Also, at my job are high-profile people who are very politically active in the LGBTQ arena. So, there is a risk of being outed if I attend a group, even outed at work. That would be bad as I work with some very anti-whatever people. I have to think about groups for awhile before joining one. I figure continuing with therapy would be good because I am still new to this. I don't want to be on my own right now.

Generally speaking.... What happens in Group, Stays in Group

I would doubt that another member would start spouting, "Guess who should up at our secret society meeting this weekend"

Quote from: amandam on August 01, 2017, 08:19:58 PM
Well it looks like we're narrowing things down. I'm not a crossdresser, fetish or otherwise. I'm also not a transsexual, i.e., needing surgery. I'm in the middle somewhere on the spectrum, lean more toward female.

I have too many conditions to be a TS. I could transition if I could look like Marlo Thomas in my avatar, but not as a non-passing TS. I won't go there, that's my limit. I think if I was really TS, I wouldn't care. I would like electrolysis and may discuss with the wife. The idea of having breasts is very attractive, but not sure on that one. I would have to have the wife be okay with it and then decide if I need hormones or not. Not too sure though, it's a heavy step, health risks, etc. and what do I do if they show in guy mode? Yeah, maybe not, unless I wanted to go 24/7.

Could I live as a woman, yes. Would I? If I was good-looking, yes. If I was an obvious TS or not good-looking, no.  If FFS made me presentable would I? I don't know, it's an awful lot of pain, etc. to try to get there. Not sure I want to work that hard. I've been out crossdressed in my youth and was presentable, but now, I'd need a little work. I do know I need to move more toward the feminine to be happy. Lose weight, some electrolysis, etc.

I knew a TS once, I thought, hmmm, maybe. Then I saw an obvious TS who just didn't pass. I got a visceral response and thought, "no way, no effin way". I'm sorry if that is harsh. Just telling the truth.

Too many conditions being thrown up. While I want to be a woman, sometimes very badly, I don't "have to" be a woman. Who knows, maybe later I'll change my mind. But for now, no.

Please feel free to comment.  :)

It's like I wrote that, so similar.  At group last night that was the topic we talked about.  How there is such a huge variance in the non-binary world.  Myself, I go from one end of the spectrum to the other.  Comfortable in the in between too.  After a month or so of hrt I can say I feel good and at the moment in balance of my emotions and thought.  At some point I may say "this is enough" or I may say "I need to continue".
Hugs, Jessica

Quote from: JoanneB on August 23, 2017, 09:06:27 PM
Generally speaking.... What happens in Group, Stays in Group

I would doubt that another member would start spouting, "Guess who should up at our secret society meeting this weekend"

I'm agree, but I'm talking about my own comfort factor. I want to do it, but baby steps.

Quote from: Jessica on August 23, 2017, 09:46:55 PM
It's like I wrote that, so similar.  At group last night that was the topic we talked about.  How there is such a huge variance in the non-binary world.  Myself, I go from one end of the spectrum to the other.  Comfortable in the in between too.  After a month or so of hrt I can say I feel good and at the moment in balance of my emotions and thought.  At some point I may say "this is enough" or I may say "I need to continue".
Hugs, Jessica

I just re-read what you quoted. Seems like I was trying to rationalize things. Maybe even a tad too much - "I'm trans, but certainly not one of those TS's". I don't know. Have to think on that one.

Great, texted wife that I saw a trans person at lunch. She responded, "eww". She knows I crossdress n am in therapy.

Update: I told her tonight that her comment bothered me. She gave me a look like an innocent dove and said she doesn't consider me like transgender people, I'm not the same. Well, technically, I'm not in transition, so no, I'm not like them. I told her, "Well, I have traits of both". She didn't seem fazed by it. We agreed to talk more. She is working out so, I will have to definiitely stress the spectrum part when we do.

Conversations are always.... educational. Sometimes things do slip past the filters. Try to listen to the message and not the words. With my wife I know we can get sidetracked easily, so if something was said that sort of hurt, I wait till later in the day to tell her. That way we stand a far better chance of staying on topic.

BTW - it is usually easy to get sidetracked when you'd rather not be actually talking about what you are

Welp, I didn't win the Powerball. So, I can't ask myself if I want to transition.

If I didn't have a wife and kids, a job with transphobic people, an income, a house, a retirement account that is building. If it wouldn't upend supporting my 3 kids through college. If I didn't have internal transphobia. If I could really open up to myself. Would I transition? Part of me says, "Heck yes, do it!". Part of me says I don't know. Oh God, I am sick of thinking about this everyday.

Quote from: amandam on August 26, 2017, 12:26:53 PM
Welp, I didn't win the Powerball. So, I can't ask myself if I want to transition.

If I didn't have a wife and kids, a job with transphobic people, an income, a house, a retirement account that is building. If it wouldn't upend supporting my 3 kids through college. If I didn't have internal transphobia. If I could really open up to myself. Would I transition? Part of me says, "Heck yes, do it!". Part of me says I don't know. Oh God, I am sick of thinking about this everyday.

Welcome to the "Club"  :o

Not quite everyday for me, but a lot of days. About everyday I have far bigger things to fret over like a dying, depressed, suicidal wife; a looming retirement, a retirement home, a current home that will take about 3 30 Yard dumpsters to empty the crap my wife wants to hold on to, just to sort out what the really important stuff is that needs to get moved.

BTW - I set my sights pretty low. 2-3 million cash in hand is all I need to make my decision to transition.

When I watched That Girl as a kid, I wanted to be Ann Marie. I still do. OMG, I wish I was her so bad. I know, silly.

Quote from: amandam on August 26, 2017, 01:06:53 PM
When I watched That Girl as a kid, I wanted to be Ann Marie. I still do. OMG, I wish I was her so bad. I know, silly.

I had my sights set higher, Myrna Loy as Nora Charles in the Thin Man. Smart, sassy, ultra fem or down in the dirt... and the clothing!

Sometimes, I was sexually attracted to women and wanted to be them at the same time, like Barbara Eden or nowadays, Gwen Stefani. The funny thing is, I have NEVER been sexually attracted to That Girl. And she has been my number one idol. The girl who I wished I was, my entire life. If it would work, I would beg God to turn me into her. Of that, I am 100% sure.

Why is it we have that one girl?

Quote from: amandam on August 26, 2017, 01:45:41 PM
Why is it we have that one girl?

The Human Condition... We all love having a Hero. Someone we can look up to. Someone we wish we can be like. Someone who has traits, characteristics, ways of being who they are, that we admire.

Meanwhile.... Back at the ranch. We tried ever so valiantly to be what everyone around us expected us to be. That one _________ or __________ Hero. That one someone to look up to. What they wished/wanted of themselves. To possess the traits, the characteristics, the ways of being they wanted to be.

Some of us eventually learn.... The Truth.  OK Yes, it takes a lot of time and; Dare I say balls? to act upon that truth.

Well, I did it. I had to convo with the wife.

I had to define the spectrum for her. Then told her I am on the spectrum and I am not a crossdresser. Also told her it is possible I am in the far end of the spectrum, TS, but that is only a small percentage of TG people. Told her much of what I have said in this thread, the slippery slope, etc. My fear of TS as the big boogieman, etc. She also knows I've been dealing with this a long time and since she met me I've had some sort of melancholy about me.

She is okay with my being transgender. She is okay with my taking steps along the journey. Her number one priority is that I find relief from my anxiety and depression. She says she will get a better husband in return. She is also okay if I have to take low dose hormones to elevate my mood. I told her that things down below might not work as well if I do that, but she said they don't anyway,  :laugh:, meaning hers! She suffers post-menopausal dryness, etc. I asked her if I transitioned if she would stay with me, she said she didn't know. We'd have to see when the time came. She seems genuinely unconcerned about this. Isn't she supposed to yell and scream? Isn't this supposed to be the apocalypse? Maybe she's glad cause she don't have to love me any more? Seriously, it's like not a big problem to her!

So basically, I have carte blanche. Not sure how I feel., very anticlimactic.

Why don't you stop second guessing and self-doubt and not run to an endo for your low-dose HRT?


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did you mean just go get low dose hrt?

Quote from: amandam on August 28, 2017, 11:14:30 AM
did you mean just go get low dose hrt?

Yes :) unless you want high dose HRT


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Soooooo tempting. Baby steps.

Baby steps is not a requirement. In fact, I believe in slow preparations, yet full-speed ahead when the opportunity is right


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Congrats Amanda  :D  Seems like your talk went far better then yo could have imagined.

I am a big fan of baby steps. I've often seen postings on SO's freaking after surviving the T-Bomb and the next thing they see is Full Speed Ahead. Just because the talk went well, how your wife may feel as "Reality" slowly sets in, you don't know.

There are a lot more success stories these days. It sounds like your wife has a great attitude. My wife benefited also from the HRT by getting a far better person in return. She isn't too happy about me having nicer boobs, but....

Thanks! I can't believe it. But, she knows many times my heart would pound and breathing would be hard (anxiety) so I had to lay on the bed until I calmed down. And then the anxiety was so bad I couldn't go up an escalator. She knows the suffering I've lived with.

I'm scared and excited at the same time. I look at girls, even on TV, and God! I wish I was them! And there is nothing stopping me if I don't want to stop! I know, I have to see if I can live with myself - man/woman/inbetween, wherever my journey takes me.

In celebration, I just ordered a Tria 4x. Oops, I didn't tell her. Guess I'll have to sooner or later. Maybe later.  ;D

And my Tria is here. And my wife don't care. And she wants to use it too. Yay for me! Why is this so easy? LOL.

Quote from: amandam on September 02, 2017, 01:14:19 AM
And my Tria is here. And my wife don't care. And she wants to use it too. Yay for me! Why is this so easy? LOL.

My therapist would ask me "Why do you think you don't deserve_____?" (The answer is obvious  :( )

I am getting better with that

You're right. Why don't I deserve happiness like other people.  :)

So, I used the Tria. On the top of my feet, 5 or so hairs each foot. On 4 of my toes, some. On my fingers, lots of hair. Part of my hands where there's this stupid little tuft. On my 3 chest hairs.  :D . And around my areolas, maybe 5 hairs each side.

Mostly I used power setting 2 or 3. 4 was a bit much. I'm going to do it once a week and I ain't stopping. :)

Quote from: amandam on September 02, 2017, 08:30:37 PM
So, I used the Tria. On the top of my feet, 5 or so hairs each foot. On 4 of my toes, some. On my fingers, lots of hair. Part of my hands where there's this stupid little tuft. On my 3 chest hairs.  :D . And around my areolas, maybe 5 hairs each side.

Mostly I used power setting 2 or 3. 4 was a bit much. I'm going to do it once a week and I ain't stopping. :)

I cranked my I-light up to the max for week two treatment and will leave it there for the foreseeable future. I have noticed that the growth is now showing signs of being a little patchy on my underarms and I have not noticed the return of the ones I zapped around the edge of my areolas...there were only a few...but I will keep my eye out. I got some pretty good picks of my underarms before I started so will see how effective it is.

Quote from: amandam on September 02, 2017, 08:30:37 PM
So, I used the Tria. On the top of my feet, 5 or so hairs each foot. On 4 of my toes, some.....

Now I really feel I was a Sasquatch  :o  Thank you for not mentioning 'Ears'

Quote from: JoanneB on September 03, 2017, 07:12:53 AM
Now I really feel I was a Sasquatch  :o  Thank you for not mentioning 'Ears'

Well, the Tria is on sale right now. :)  Only have some ear hairs, thanks for reminding me.  :P Dang it, a few where the sun don't shine too. I don't think I can reach that far. :laugh:

Interestingly, as far as my crossdressing goes, I have time about once a week. I no longer have the need to dress to the nines. I no longer need to put on all the makeup, jewelry, etc. For the last month, I've just worn a dress and heels, some mascara and lip gloss, and one of my wigs.

Then I just relax in front of my computer looking up transgender videos and topics. I used to dress to the nines, and first searched for straight or trans porn, with me always the girl. Toward the end of my crossdressing, I still make time to have a release, but it used to be, that was a huge part of my crossdressing. Now it's just an added benefit. And my erotic thoughts are now almost exclusively me as a woman being made love to by a man. I have to involve the area where my vagina would be if I had one.

I've also noticed I have displayed more fem mannerisms while in guy mode. I have to watch myself so I don't get looks at work, etc.

Still waiting on seeing a long-term therapist. No opening for her until the end of October. I have seen a psychiatrist for 30 years for depression and anxiety. This guy is kinda old school. He did help me get rid of panic attacks, etc.

I saw him a couple of weeks ago and told him I was seeing someone at Kaiser for my gender issues. Told him I have expressed some traits of both a crossdresser and a transsexual. He said that he didn't think I was the kind of person who wanted to be the "girl" in a group. He also said he didn't think I was the kind of person who wanted to be with a man while trying to be the opposite of him.  :-\  He's a nice guy, but like 80 years old.

His (lesbian) medical assistant and I talked about him and she agrees he's just old-school. We exchange numbers and will probably get coffee as we've kinda been friends for years. My first LGBT friend who knows about me.

If he didn't have any idea that you were trans, his knowledge of what kind of a person you are doesn't sound particularly comprehensive.

He knew I was a crossdresser. But, we don't talk that much about it. Since he's a psychiatrist, he's more interested in how I'm feeling and any meds I'm taking. Basic therapy, nothing else.

I'm glad I have a new therapist coming up, my dysphoria has backed off the last couple of days. Whereas, a month ago, I could have swore on my life I wanted hrt, the last couple of days, I don't "want it", I don't dis-want it, just kinda don't care. I know the pendulum will swing back again. It's this seesawing of my dysphoria that perplexes me.

Quote from: amandam on September 03, 2017, 12:59:15 PM
Interestingly, as far as my crossdressing goes, I have time about once a week. I no longer have the need to dress to the nines. I no longer need to put on all the makeup, jewelry, etc. For the last month, I've just worn a dress and heels, some mascara and lip gloss, and one of my wigs.

I went through the same phase here. You spend hours getting everything just right because you planned for weeks maybe for that day. When you do it more often you start sort of thinking way back in your head... "I don't know any real woman that goes this crazy except for maybe a night out on the town.... Hey, I want to be, I am that woman too" so yo just do a few things to feel comfortable, as in able to look in the mirror and smile.

Quote from: JoanneB on September 17, 2017, 06:56:40 AM
Hey, I want to be, I am that woman too" so yo just do a few things to feel comfortable, as in able to look in the mirror and smile.

That's a good point.