Susan's Place Transgender Resources

This is a legit question. Last week i was having a boo-boo kitty week that lasted from July 20th until the 28th. I was feeling a bit better on the thursday(27th) and even last tuesday but there were unusural waves of self doubt and self defeat in addition to being in bitter and rageful when i wasnt feeling semi-happy. I even posted a thread in the detransitioning section last monday about how i feel so overwhelmed with dysphoira.. which for me, leads to overwhelming disgust but also a huge feeling of feeling male. No matter how much i feel gross about the male feeling all i can do is fixate on penis, facial hair and typical maleness which leads to doubt which leads to panic attacks and sometimes, nay, all the time very dark thinking. I thought that even no matter how much i hate feeling male that somehow i must be....

Fast forward to last thrusday i started the day off more miserable then i had in quite sometime. I then felt a bit more calm as i went out and got breaky. That day i got my new glasses that seem to enhance a feminine look. That made me feel more confident for some time. Then, i went out and got my eye brows done and hair strightened. I saw this beautiful girl in the mirror. I didnt know how to feel. My heart was like ''There she is!!! this is who you are, embrace'' and a part of my body, that stupid fear chamber in the brain  was like ''There she is!! this is who you want to be, no shut down and run away''. I spent the day feeling more confident in myself compared to the week before. I even took some cute pictures of my feminine look. I loved this feeling, but at the same time i was feeling scared of seeing these pics. Not just a few hours before i was thinking i am a con, and inferior to all women. Cis and Trans alike. Here I am getting that feeling of contentment that i hadnt felt in about a week, and i am loving it. But do i deserve to like it?

The rest of the day i was afriad to look in mirrors at a reflection. I wanted to see me at the most feminine point, but i knew somehow as soon as i was about to enjoy it, the feelings i had from the past week were going to kick in and ruin it. The following day, the 28th was remarkablly better. Since i wore a shower cap in the previous nights shower, my hair remained in tact. I did my make up, and normal stuff but that day, I could actually look in a mirror. And see this beautiful girl. I was overjoyed. No fear, guilt or shame attached. I felt rather great the whole day. Saturday i fell back a bit, but it still was absolutley nowhere near as bad as thursday morning or the week before. It was just getting into my good grove again. We did some shopping, i was feeling meh, not in a bad way but just not all there. I was spending much of the day kinda on edge of falling back down again. Yestarday was better, we went shopping, to the movies and Costco in Ottawa and i felt much better. We took family pictures and i couldnt stop getting excited. Seeing the picutres of thursday and yestarday i saw a girl. I seem my nice hair, i see real boobage.. like I actually got breasts!!!!! i seem a nice feminine smile. I see a woman. I can feel like a woman, i can use a woman bathroom and not think twice (used to give me axiety as i was so self concious about looks) i can look at womans clothing. I can actually be a woman as if ''he'' never happened.

Today, is another story however. Today, i woke up a bit so-so. Like the normal every morning you wake up i am so-so feeling that happens as the day hasnt even started.  Then i did some chores and went for a bike ride. As soon as i hit the streets i felt free. Basically i felt more at peace and delightful today then i have in almost 2 weeks. I felt calm, active, joyful. I noticed that my ambitions and that feeling of needing to do something rather then just the same ol is back again. Today i feel calm-happy. More so, i dont feel ''him'' lurking around in the mind. Not even in the dark i cant see you places. Not undenialbally euphoric happy and then peaceful happy as i did say on July 17th, but still very happy and more importantly, still very very peaceful within my own skin. As I said, havent felt this good in atleast 11 or 12 days.

I am wondering though. Could i possibly have another underlying mental issue. Perhaps a form of bi-polarism or BPD? i am not trying to make this up but i have noticed that i often feel male at my lowest and at my highest far more myself. When i crash i freakin crash. When I am up I am never better. And nothing brings these feelings on more then what i dislike (maleness) vs what i feel most at home and happy with (femaleness) Could i have another mental issue that has attached itself to my dysphoira? or is this kind of pendulum of extreme feelings somewhat on par with being trans and still have hard feelings of discontentent of male-ness but also an annoying fear of being trans and a woman? I know i need to continue therapy, but i would like some insight.

Anyways, gotta run to work!

Much love-Ashley!

This is a legit question. Last week i was having a boo-boo kitty week that lasted from July 20th until the 28th. I was feeling a bit better on the thursday(27th) and even last tuesday but there were unusural waves of self doubt and self defeat in addition to being in bitter and rageful when i wasnt feeling semi-happy. I even posted a thread in the detransitioning section last monday about how i feel so overwhelmed with dysphoira.. which for me, leads to overwhelming disgust but also a huge feeling of feeling male. No matter how much i feel gross about the male feeling all i can do is fixate on penis, facial hair and typical maleness which leads to doubt which leads to panic attacks and sometimes, nay, all the time very dark thinking. I thought that even no matter how much i hate feeling male that somehow i must be....

As a trans person, i still see gender in pretty much the same way as others do, I have this bunch of tick boxes and some boxes I designate male and some female. As a woman, I will see things that tick the male box as part of myself, this is what causes me "body dysphoria"



Fast forward to last thrusday i started the day off more miserable then i had in quite sometime. I then felt a bit more calm as i went out and got breaky. That day i got my new glasses that seem to enhance a feminine look. That made me feel more confident for some time. Then, i went out and got my eye brows done and hair strightened. I saw this beautiful girl in the mirror. I didnt know how to feel. My heart was like ''There she is!!! this is who you are, embrace'' and a part of my body, that stupid fear chamber in the brain  was like ''There she is!! this is who you want to be, no shut down and run away''. I spent the day feeling more confident in myself compared to the week before. I even took some cute pictures of my feminine look. I loved this feeling, but at the same time i was feeling scared of seeing these pics. Not just a few hours before i was thinking i am a con, and inferior to all women. Cis and Trans alike. Here I am getting that feeling of contentment that i hadnt felt in about a week, and i am loving it. But do i deserve to like it?

Some times I fall out with my face, "beard shadow" when I look in the mirror. This causes me distress, And at my worst I couldn't  mail a letter for my dad when the post box is less then four door away and no one is about. This annoys me and I get angry because I have been out much further and felt much better previously. So I avoid looking at my refection, if I don't have time to feminise myself.  My life has ups and downs like this. And do I like the ups? Sure I do, feeling good about yourself and feeling happy Is something we all need, and liking thees feelings are only natural.


The rest of the day i was afriad to look in mirrors at a reflection. I wanted to see me at the most feminine point, but i knew somehow as soon as i was about to enjoy it, the feelings i had from the past week were going to kick in and ruin it. The following day, the 28th was remarkablly better. Since i wore a shower cap in the previous nights shower, my hair remained in tact. I did my make up, and normal stuff but that day, I could actually look in a mirror. And see this beautiful girl. I was overjoyed. No fear, guilt or shame attached. I felt rather great the whole day. Saturday i fell back a bit, but it still was absolutley nowhere near as bad as thursday morning or the week before. It was just getting into my good grove again. We did some shopping, i was feeling meh, not in a bad way but just not all there. I was spending much of the day kinda on edge of falling back down again. Yestarday was better, we went shopping, to the movies and Costco in Ottawa and i felt much better. We took family pictures and i couldnt stop getting excited. Seeing the picutres of thursday and yestarday i saw a girl. I seem my nice hair, i see real boobage.. like I actually got breasts!!!!! i seem a nice feminine smile. I see a woman. I can feel like a woman, i can use a woman bathroom and not think twice (used to give me axiety as i was so self concious about looks) i can look at womans clothing. I can actually be a woman as if ''he'' never happened.

Avoiding triggers is a good coping strategy, i DO IT :P And the rest of this sounds like a normal day. A god day. Your less self conscious less dysphoric if you ask me.


Today, is another story however. Today, i woke up a bit so-so. Like the normal every morning you wake up i am so-so feeling that happens as the day hasnt even started.  Then i did some chores and went for a bike ride. As soon as i hit the streets i felt free. Basically i felt more at peace and delightful today then i have in almost 2 weeks. I felt calm, active, joyful. I noticed that my ambitions and that feeling of needing to do something rather then just the same ol is back again. Today i feel calm-happy. More so, i dont feel ''him'' lurking around in the mind. Not even in the dark i cant see you places. Not undenialbally euphoric happy and then peaceful happy as i did say on July 17th, but still very happy and more importantly, still very very peaceful within my own skin. As I said, havent felt this good in atleast 11 or 12 days.


You know the foods you eat can effect your mood. Diet and exercise go a long way to improving ones emotional well-being. A fluctuation in how you feel in general, might not have anything to do with trans or any other condition, everyone has good days and not so good days, as well as bad ones. And I have "enthusiasm spasms" all the time. Sound like just enjoying life and none trans related effect in your mood. 


I am wondering though. Could i possibly have another underlying mental issue. Perhaps a form of bi-polarism or BPD? i am not trying to make this up but i have noticed that i often feel male at my lowest and at my highest far more myself. When i crash i freakin crash. When I am up I am never better. And nothing brings these feelings on more then what i dislike (maleness) vs what i feel most at home and happy with (femaleness) Could i have another mental issue that has attached itself to my dysphoira? or is this kind of pendulum of extreme feelings somewhat on par with being trans and still have hard feelings of discontentent of male-ness but also an annoying fear of being trans and a woman? I know i need to continue therapy, but i would like some insight.

The masculine crash, and feminine highs are what Body dysphoria is about I thought. I thought it was normal with body dysphoria for ones mood to worsen at the recognition of masculinity within ones self. And to have the opposite happen with the ability to Be a woman and forget we're trans (or at least not think about it). I don't think its BPD, I think its a representation of spikes in dysphoria. I'm not a clinician by any means so if you would like to know for sure if BPD is or isn't something you have or not,  talk with somebody in a position to diagnose.

Hi, Ashley. 

I can't answer your question.  We all have doubts that surface from time to time, but yours seem to affect you more strongly than is typical.  Whether that indicates some kind of underlying mental condition or is just an outlier in the wonderful diversity of human experience is something for you to resolve with the help of your therapist.

I really hope you are able to find some resolution to it, because it is clear that it takes a toll on you.  Here's a big hug to tide you over... ((((Ashley))))

Definitely. Cis people as well have days whereby they see faults in themselves; whether physical in their appearance in which no body else can see them or mental; whereby they have problems with low self esteem or anxiety and depression.

After being on T for 3 months I realised hormones aren't the magical cure all I had hoped they'd be and my social anxiety problems are a completely separate issue from being trans and GD. So I had a fee months of CBT which helped me realise my thoughts and fears are perfectly natural and others have them too; as well as to rationalise them in order to try and prevent anxiety overcoming me.  I am in no way cured but talking it through with somebody really helped.

I'd advise to go see a therapist with the intention of discussing what issues are most affecting you; in order to work out how to treat them. If you have a more serious condition like bi polar or BDD they'd pick it up pretty quickly. Otherwise it's more likely to be a self esteem and anxiety problem which are very very common.

For me I know it is a dark period when I look in a mirror and see that sad old man looking back at me  :'(  For sure it isn't from the dysphoria when most of the time, no matter my presentation I always see Joanne looking back, even if she is almost bald  :o

Most of the time it is from having to deal with so many other major issues in my world. After a lot of reflection and talking with my therapist, in some small way saying "F all this crap" is a sort of coping mechanism thinking not giving into being trans empowers me.

Silly, I know

  Ashley to me this sounds more like  dysphoria messing with you I had similar questions so I went and saw a psychiatrist who deals with bipolar issues even before seeing my therapist it turns out I am not bipolar but i wanted that question out of the way it has made dealing with my dysphoria and depression much easier as i know there are no other issues compounding the problem a simple referral from your GP will get you on your way to resolving this and clear up your doubts either way then you can focus your efforts in the right direction
   good luck hugs

   bobbisue :)

Thanks for the input everyone. I am not sure about the bi-polarism thing the more i think about it. For one, although when I crash I can crash super hard, i dont feel a super extreme of emtions that bounce hard. Like, when I am happy I am usurally calmly happy and just content, even euphoric but never much of a ''manic'' excitment.  I havent felt anything close to that really in forever. Generally, when I do feel euphoria i tend to feel yes slightly excitment, but it is more often then not a peaceful calm then a super intense thing. Also, during my ''up'' times my sleep doesnt get affected in a negative light as it does with bi-polar mania where one can sleep very very little, lke 2-3 hours little. When i am ''up'' my sleep actually incrases to normal range. When i am down, doubtful and feel male even the slightest my sleep get severly affected, hard to get to sleep and even harder to stay asleep. Even then, in Mania you tend to feel fine on little sleep whereas I still feel horrid and beat the next day. So I think bi-polarism is kinda off the chart, and my last DR i saw along time ago ruled it out. In addition i find when I am more myself I lack flight of thoughts, my thinking actually seems more reasonable, stable and real. Somthing that can not be said with mania. Also, I dont seem to have any symptoms of phycosis.


Im still not too educated about BPD but from waht very little i know I thought it could be a possiblilty.

Gotta say, today has been a gift from the gods. Absolultey no disgust feelings. Been a very calm, stable and decent day:) Now to start of August right!

Sailor, you could have a natural (born with) brain chemical imbalance (assuming you are not abusing drugs or alcohol). Low, unpredictable serotonin levels, for example, can cause the symptoms you are reporting. Serotonin levels are key to mood stability and sleep. There are mood stabilizers, serotonin re-uptake inhibitors that can address that problem. If u feel this is a problem for you, I suggest seeing a medical doctor. One caveat, do not let a doctor prescribe you benzodiazepines, they don't address the root problem of a chemical imbalance. Best wishes sweetie. :)

Well that was strange......

I had the hardest time going to sleep last night. This isnot  a new thing. However, this specific reason is. Usurally icant get to sleep due to stress, or anxiety or depression. Last night i could not get to sleep quickly because i just felt, im not sure. I didnt feel anything bad, yet i wasnt really jazzed either. I was unusrally content and keep thinking about the next coupke of days were i am going to be happy it appears. And yet, idk if it because i am sleeping but this unusral sense of peace seems to have made sleeping harder, maybe my mind is still trying to apply tug o'war in my sleep? not sure/. This for me just this past night :S weird

Thanks Sinclair!! i will ask for sure next time i see my DR <3

Sometimes I wonder if my mind is addicting to worry so when it is not present, my mind wants to freak out  :D

Quote from: SailorMars1994 on August 01, 2017, 04:35:51 AM
Sometimes I wonder if my mind is addicting to worry so when it is not present, my mind wants to freak out  :D

I have met a few Chicken Little's in my life... even work with one.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d-diB65scQU (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d-diB65scQU)

Of course we might (and often do) have some level of a mood disorder (mild to severe depression--what you describe as high points do not sound like mania, rather like more normal "feeling happy").  Being "dysphoria" for a considerable amount of time, being confused about one's gender, etc. is going to affect mood.  A competent therapist can help you evaluate all of this.  Don't self-diagnose yourself with a severe personality disorder (and of course you've not provided enough information on this forum for anyone to tell you if you have BPD).  Cut yourself some slack, slow down, let things play out, use the help you're getting, knock off the self diagnosis--try to be kinder to yourself as you go thru this.  (And I'll try to take my own advice :-).) Nancy

Lol thanks girls xD. I shall try my best

Running on only like 2.5 hours of sleep. I am quite sluggish in some ways but, realtiivley peaceful and feeling quite well emotinally. But my energy is quite low compared to normal... gotta get some coffee in me before work ;)