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Title: In need of advice...
Post by: Sam79 on August 06, 2017, 12:01:42 PM
Post by: Sam79 on August 06, 2017, 12:01:42 PM
Hi all, a newbie here and hoping to talk out my feelings before/if I take things further and hopefully get some constructive ideas from people here. This is my first post and sorry in advance for the length of it.
So I'm 38, and appear to all to be a tall athletic and reasonably good looking man. For most of my life though I haven't felt that the way I present myself really reflects who I actually am.
Some of my earliest nonstandard gender conforming (sorry not sure how to word this) memories happened around the ages 6 to 10.
Wearing my sister's mascara and being told I was weird for it by my siblings.
Having some preference for feminine toys. I had a Butterbear teddy (bear girl) from The Wuzzles, anyone remember that show?
Not really enjoying any typically boyish activities, football, climbing trees etc instead I liked to enjoy drawing and especially using my imagination, beyond that I did play with toys that matched my given gender.
I wouldn't say I was coddled by my mother but she was very kind. I do remember her saying more than once when I was young that with my eyelashes and features I should have been a girl.
I was often teased for being a "sissy" because I would often cry when bullied. I have quite an effeminate way of running which I was bullied about too, even to today I'm quite conscious about that.
Growing up and even now I didn't/don't ever feel like I fitted in when there is a group of males at a social gathering (and I'm expected to join them). Often while I was younger I would kinda hang out with the ladies there... I'm still like that in the workplace a group of guys chatting? No thanks I'll avoid that. Mixed gender group or just women? that's fine with me.
Another thing I've noticed of myself now that I think about it is how I react to compliments. If someone tells me I'm good looking (ie as a man) I get really embarrassed and don't know how to act, wouldn't most guys gain confidence/swagger from something like that? Anyways..
As a teenager I started dressing whenever I could, keeping it hidden. I'd wear my mum's stuff, occasionally my sister's too, with teenage hormones coursing through my body I found it very exciting. I had a couple close calls people coming home early etc. One day I heard my parents come in, I was feeling and looking rather pretty and very nearly bottled up the courage to go downstairs and show them who I really was.... I didn't.
After I left school, I was steered into a "real job" by my dad and one of my brothers working on for a road engineering firm as a trainee engineer. I hated it, I was bullied for my wimpy ways. I had to "man up", at this time too opportunities to dress up were becoming very rare. I almost never had any time at home alone. It was a few years later that I discovered a dressing service about an hours drive away, despite my nerves and the expense I would visit several times a year, every time I left it was like I was floating on air, I was happy for those few hours and then bump back down to reality.
I wanted to tell my parents my secret and was slowly building the courage to do it when a conversation with my mum about my eldest brother stopped me in my tracks. He is gay and openly so but my mum and dad were very old fashioned and really struggled with this, she said that "it broke her heart that he was gay". I knew she thought I was too -nope, but I was certain that she wouldn't be able to deal with my gender issues. I loved her and so resolved to bury it... I couldn't although I tried.
That conversation if I remember rightly happened when I was 20 or 21, over the next few years I tried to be "normal". I started socializing with some male acquaintances, going to clubs and drinking quite heavily, it was an escape or a lie I guess, a lie I started to believe.
I think that it was around then I started suffering from mild/mid depression lack of opportunity to dress, occasional purging. I felt lousy... when presenting as a male I didn't really make much effort to keep well groomed (although I was clean) and pretty much lived in track suit bottoms and baggy t-shirts. This pretty unhealthy way to live went on for years.
Fortunately, after having one failed relationship with a girl from work, I met another girl who eventually became my wife. I was honest with her from the start, I told her that I was (as I perceived it at the time) a transvestite. She was tolerant rather than encouraging and so I kept my dressing to a bare minimum, a pair of knickers here or some lippy there, never the works, this went on for years barely expressing my feminity.
Then sadly my parents died within 3 years of each other. I became very depressed and really struggled to come to terms with it -it took around a year and a half to fully get over the loss. If I could do it all again I hope I'd be brave enough to tell them everything instead of hiding who I really am.
My feelings about myself as a person and my body started to come to the fore. I started to feel dysphoria toward my body although initially I didn't link it to me potentially being transgender. When I think about how I feel about myself and being outwardly male I feel indifferent rather than completely disgusted or uncomfortable with my appearance... I remember thinking around a year ago that I was unhappy with my appearance, I was around 2 stones overweight, I lost it and gained a bit of muscle but I still wasn't happy.
I also stopped drinking totally and now have a much clearer mind. Additionally an other reason I feel this is more than a sexual kink is that over the last month or two I've been experiencing a low libido, yet the desire to dress is as strong as ever.
At Christmas I got an electric shaver to save on razors (unfortunately I'm rather hairy). On a whim I told my wife I wanted to go smooth, she wasn't keen on the idea firstly because she likes my body hair and second she was worried how we would explain my sudden smoothness. With it being winter though it was very unlikely anyone would see those formerly hairy areas of me. I loved it my legs looked so long and feminine and my chest and tummy so androgynous. I agreed to grow it back for the summer, I mean how do you explain your way out of this when people around you have noted how hairy you are?
Since then I've been dressing fully as a female at least twice a week and building a little wardrobe in the process. I feel so relaxed and happy when I do.
Now the idea of further feminizing my body occupy most of my idle thinking and I hate going back to my male clothes.
I could probably keep living as a man, most people would have no idea -a female work colleague once described me as a very masculine man ( if only she knew)- but clearly I'm not cisgender otherwise I wouldn't be thinking this way. It almost feels like I'm sleepwalking through life.
Anybody have any advice/ suggestions? Can anyone relate to any of this? Thank you so much for reading this. xx
So I'm 38, and appear to all to be a tall athletic and reasonably good looking man. For most of my life though I haven't felt that the way I present myself really reflects who I actually am.
Some of my earliest nonstandard gender conforming (sorry not sure how to word this) memories happened around the ages 6 to 10.
Wearing my sister's mascara and being told I was weird for it by my siblings.
Having some preference for feminine toys. I had a Butterbear teddy (bear girl) from The Wuzzles, anyone remember that show?
Not really enjoying any typically boyish activities, football, climbing trees etc instead I liked to enjoy drawing and especially using my imagination, beyond that I did play with toys that matched my given gender.
I wouldn't say I was coddled by my mother but she was very kind. I do remember her saying more than once when I was young that with my eyelashes and features I should have been a girl.
I was often teased for being a "sissy" because I would often cry when bullied. I have quite an effeminate way of running which I was bullied about too, even to today I'm quite conscious about that.
Growing up and even now I didn't/don't ever feel like I fitted in when there is a group of males at a social gathering (and I'm expected to join them). Often while I was younger I would kinda hang out with the ladies there... I'm still like that in the workplace a group of guys chatting? No thanks I'll avoid that. Mixed gender group or just women? that's fine with me.
Another thing I've noticed of myself now that I think about it is how I react to compliments. If someone tells me I'm good looking (ie as a man) I get really embarrassed and don't know how to act, wouldn't most guys gain confidence/swagger from something like that? Anyways..
As a teenager I started dressing whenever I could, keeping it hidden. I'd wear my mum's stuff, occasionally my sister's too, with teenage hormones coursing through my body I found it very exciting. I had a couple close calls people coming home early etc. One day I heard my parents come in, I was feeling and looking rather pretty and very nearly bottled up the courage to go downstairs and show them who I really was.... I didn't.
After I left school, I was steered into a "real job" by my dad and one of my brothers working on for a road engineering firm as a trainee engineer. I hated it, I was bullied for my wimpy ways. I had to "man up", at this time too opportunities to dress up were becoming very rare. I almost never had any time at home alone. It was a few years later that I discovered a dressing service about an hours drive away, despite my nerves and the expense I would visit several times a year, every time I left it was like I was floating on air, I was happy for those few hours and then bump back down to reality.
I wanted to tell my parents my secret and was slowly building the courage to do it when a conversation with my mum about my eldest brother stopped me in my tracks. He is gay and openly so but my mum and dad were very old fashioned and really struggled with this, she said that "it broke her heart that he was gay". I knew she thought I was too -nope, but I was certain that she wouldn't be able to deal with my gender issues. I loved her and so resolved to bury it... I couldn't although I tried.
That conversation if I remember rightly happened when I was 20 or 21, over the next few years I tried to be "normal". I started socializing with some male acquaintances, going to clubs and drinking quite heavily, it was an escape or a lie I guess, a lie I started to believe.
I think that it was around then I started suffering from mild/mid depression lack of opportunity to dress, occasional purging. I felt lousy... when presenting as a male I didn't really make much effort to keep well groomed (although I was clean) and pretty much lived in track suit bottoms and baggy t-shirts. This pretty unhealthy way to live went on for years.
Fortunately, after having one failed relationship with a girl from work, I met another girl who eventually became my wife. I was honest with her from the start, I told her that I was (as I perceived it at the time) a transvestite. She was tolerant rather than encouraging and so I kept my dressing to a bare minimum, a pair of knickers here or some lippy there, never the works, this went on for years barely expressing my feminity.
Then sadly my parents died within 3 years of each other. I became very depressed and really struggled to come to terms with it -it took around a year and a half to fully get over the loss. If I could do it all again I hope I'd be brave enough to tell them everything instead of hiding who I really am.
My feelings about myself as a person and my body started to come to the fore. I started to feel dysphoria toward my body although initially I didn't link it to me potentially being transgender. When I think about how I feel about myself and being outwardly male I feel indifferent rather than completely disgusted or uncomfortable with my appearance... I remember thinking around a year ago that I was unhappy with my appearance, I was around 2 stones overweight, I lost it and gained a bit of muscle but I still wasn't happy.
I also stopped drinking totally and now have a much clearer mind. Additionally an other reason I feel this is more than a sexual kink is that over the last month or two I've been experiencing a low libido, yet the desire to dress is as strong as ever.
At Christmas I got an electric shaver to save on razors (unfortunately I'm rather hairy). On a whim I told my wife I wanted to go smooth, she wasn't keen on the idea firstly because she likes my body hair and second she was worried how we would explain my sudden smoothness. With it being winter though it was very unlikely anyone would see those formerly hairy areas of me. I loved it my legs looked so long and feminine and my chest and tummy so androgynous. I agreed to grow it back for the summer, I mean how do you explain your way out of this when people around you have noted how hairy you are?
Since then I've been dressing fully as a female at least twice a week and building a little wardrobe in the process. I feel so relaxed and happy when I do.
Now the idea of further feminizing my body occupy most of my idle thinking and I hate going back to my male clothes.
I could probably keep living as a man, most people would have no idea -a female work colleague once described me as a very masculine man ( if only she knew)- but clearly I'm not cisgender otherwise I wouldn't be thinking this way. It almost feels like I'm sleepwalking through life.
Anybody have any advice/ suggestions? Can anyone relate to any of this? Thank you so much for reading this. xx
Title: Re: In need of advice...
Post by: HoneyStrums on August 06, 2017, 12:16:00 PM
Post by: HoneyStrums on August 06, 2017, 12:16:00 PM
Yes I can relate, to most of that in some way.
although. Ive only had one relationship with a woman.
And it is my late aunt that i wish i had the courage to come out to, before she passed.
although. Ive only had one relationship with a woman.
And it is my late aunt that i wish i had the courage to come out to, before she passed.
Title: Re: In need of advice...
Post by: Kendra on August 06, 2017, 01:05:39 PM
Post by: Kendra on August 06, 2017, 01:05:39 PM
Hello Sam79 and welcome to Susan's!
First, no need to apologise for the length of your introduction - I think it's great you have done so. I have found as I opened up with the right group (here) so many other people have been able to help answer my questions, so I can make more informed decisions regarding my future.
I am MTF, and so much of what you describe resembles my experience. I was ok presenting/appearing male but never fully respected myself - I almost never heard the term "handsome" but when I did that really bothered me. Your comments on social gatherings brings back memories for me in much the same way. I always had difficulty dating as a male - I did get married and divorced, and had several long term traditional relationships but with long gaps between. After I began transition I found the situation quite the opposite and was surprised how much easier it was to find good relationships. I think it is because I am much more comfortable with myself as my true gender.
Congratulations on quitting alcohol - I know from personal experience what an achievement that is, and how difficult it is to avoid something that is socially acceptable. Unlike other addictive drugs, alcohol consumption is encouraged in business meetings and many types of family gatherings. I had my last drink in 2003 - that was before I firmly identified myself as transgender but I now believe the disconnect contributed to my issues with alcoholism and past weight gain which I also solved.
If you want to remove your facial and body hair temporarily or permanently, who should make that decision? Should your acquaintances be making those decisions for you? Does a committee get to vote on this? I am not telling you what is right or wrong but you should step back and consider who is best equipped to make decisions that affect your well-being and ability to enjoy the best things in life. If you don't feel quite equipped to make all these decisions, don't worry - you have come to the right place, just as I did. I also suggest if at all possible, find a qualified gender therapist and discuss your past and future with a professional familiar with these topics.
We always provide the following information to new members. Susan's has helped so many people in the transgender community - the site statistics are astonishing. In order to accomplish that we have some guidelines and rules which I will add here for you. And some handy links to save your time.
A Cautionary Note:
This is a public forum so please remember when posting that The Internet Never Forgets, and the various web crawlers and archival sites out there may retain information that you post.
We cannot ensure that any information you share on the site will be protected from public view and/or copying or reproduction. This warning is also listed in the Terms of Service listed below.
If you give out personal information on Susan's you are responsible for any consequence.
I also want to share some links with you. They include helpful information and the rules that govern the site. It is important for your enjoyment of the site to take a moment to go through them
Sam79, you came to the right place. Please do not worry too much or feel pressure - you already made a very important step by writing what you posted here. I have great respect for what you have accomplished and what you are doing now, as I have also done many of the same things. Looking forward to so much more.
Kendra
First, no need to apologise for the length of your introduction - I think it's great you have done so. I have found as I opened up with the right group (here) so many other people have been able to help answer my questions, so I can make more informed decisions regarding my future.
I am MTF, and so much of what you describe resembles my experience. I was ok presenting/appearing male but never fully respected myself - I almost never heard the term "handsome" but when I did that really bothered me. Your comments on social gatherings brings back memories for me in much the same way. I always had difficulty dating as a male - I did get married and divorced, and had several long term traditional relationships but with long gaps between. After I began transition I found the situation quite the opposite and was surprised how much easier it was to find good relationships. I think it is because I am much more comfortable with myself as my true gender.
Congratulations on quitting alcohol - I know from personal experience what an achievement that is, and how difficult it is to avoid something that is socially acceptable. Unlike other addictive drugs, alcohol consumption is encouraged in business meetings and many types of family gatherings. I had my last drink in 2003 - that was before I firmly identified myself as transgender but I now believe the disconnect contributed to my issues with alcoholism and past weight gain which I also solved.
If you want to remove your facial and body hair temporarily or permanently, who should make that decision? Should your acquaintances be making those decisions for you? Does a committee get to vote on this? I am not telling you what is right or wrong but you should step back and consider who is best equipped to make decisions that affect your well-being and ability to enjoy the best things in life. If you don't feel quite equipped to make all these decisions, don't worry - you have come to the right place, just as I did. I also suggest if at all possible, find a qualified gender therapist and discuss your past and future with a professional familiar with these topics.
We always provide the following information to new members. Susan's has helped so many people in the transgender community - the site statistics are astonishing. In order to accomplish that we have some guidelines and rules which I will add here for you. And some handy links to save your time.
A Cautionary Note:
This is a public forum so please remember when posting that The Internet Never Forgets, and the various web crawlers and archival sites out there may retain information that you post.
We cannot ensure that any information you share on the site will be protected from public view and/or copying or reproduction. This warning is also listed in the Terms of Service listed below.
If you give out personal information on Susan's you are responsible for any consequence.
I also want to share some links with you. They include helpful information and the rules that govern the site. It is important for your enjoyment of the site to take a moment to go through them
Things that you should read
Site Terms of Service & Rules to Live By (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,2.0.html) | Standard Terms & Definitions (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,54369.0.html) | Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar) (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,114.0.html.) |
Reputation rules (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,18960.0.html) | News posting & quoting guidelines (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,174951.0.html) | Photo, avatars, & signature images policy (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,59974.msg383866.html#msg383866) |
Sam79, you came to the right place. Please do not worry too much or feel pressure - you already made a very important step by writing what you posted here. I have great respect for what you have accomplished and what you are doing now, as I have also done many of the same things. Looking forward to so much more.
Kendra
Title: Re: In need of advice...
Post by: elkie-t on August 06, 2017, 01:43:16 PM
Post by: elkie-t on August 06, 2017, 01:43:16 PM
I am not sure what was your question. Obviously, where you are now you can progress things further, i.e. start going out en femme (you can drive a bit away from your house and chances are no one will ever recognize you there), or you can getting hormones. But in the end, you can do whatever you want, but it's up to you to want to do anything...
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Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Title: Re: In need of advice...
Post by: V M on August 06, 2017, 09:36:07 PM
Post by: V M on August 06, 2017, 09:36:07 PM
Hi Sam :icon_wave:
Welcome to Susan's Place :) Glad to have you here, join on in the fun
Hugs
V M
Welcome to Susan's Place :) Glad to have you here, join on in the fun
Hugs
V M
Title: Re: In need of advice...
Post by: Raell on August 06, 2017, 10:29:16 PM
Post by: Raell on August 06, 2017, 10:29:16 PM
From what I've read on transgender forums, transgender autobiographies, and my own experience as a partial transmale, ignoring this isn't a healthy option.
Counseling with a transgender specialist should help you find where you are on the gender spectrum and what you can do to find relief.
It may take less than you think; not everyone must have operations and transition fully. Maybe, you can find a compromise.
Although some people survive transition with both their marriages and jobs intact, not all do.
Remember, your wife can't help her sexual orientation any more than you can help your gender identity.
Counseling with a transgender specialist should help you find where you are on the gender spectrum and what you can do to find relief.
It may take less than you think; not everyone must have operations and transition fully. Maybe, you can find a compromise.
Although some people survive transition with both their marriages and jobs intact, not all do.
Remember, your wife can't help her sexual orientation any more than you can help your gender identity.
Title: Re: In need of advice...
Post by: Saskia_F on August 07, 2017, 03:07:43 AM
Post by: Saskia_F on August 07, 2017, 03:07:43 AM
Hi Sam,
in terms of your history, I can totally relate to what you went through.
All I can say is that you're on the right way if it feels right for you! There might be some downs, but they'll be followed by ups too :-) Don't get deterred in what you do for yourself to make you feel better after such a long time.
All the best!
in terms of your history, I can totally relate to what you went through.
All I can say is that you're on the right way if it feels right for you! There might be some downs, but they'll be followed by ups too :-) Don't get deterred in what you do for yourself to make you feel better after such a long time.
All the best!
Title: Re: In need of advice...
Post by: Sam79 on August 07, 2017, 06:20:23 AM
Post by: Sam79 on August 07, 2017, 06:20:23 AM
Thank you all so much for making me feel welcome and helping me to feel I'm not alone. I'll certainly try to take part in discussions here.
@Kendra, thank you for your support and advice, you have really helped me feel at ease.
Sent from my HTC 10 using Tapatalk
@Kendra, thank you for your support and advice, you have really helped me feel at ease.
Sent from my HTC 10 using Tapatalk
Title: Re: In need of advice...
Post by: Kendra on August 07, 2017, 11:50:39 AM
Post by: Kendra on August 07, 2017, 11:50:39 AM
You're welcome. Literally. ;)
Title: Re: In need of advice...
Post by: Laurie on August 07, 2017, 03:22:26 PM
Post by: Laurie on August 07, 2017, 03:22:26 PM
Hi Sam,
I'm Laurie,MtF and your self appointed unofficial greeter. Welcome to Susan's Place (hug) Come right on in and whoa are you ever in the right place. There are plenty of us here that relate to your story in a big way. Yours truely with a few differences. One of those is that I suffered these guilty feelings of being different a lot longer than you have. I am 64 an just last November came to realize I wasn't just a closeted crossdresser as I had believed for decades. I was actually a closeted transwoman. I've come out of that closet now as I have bee living as my true self for about a month and a half. It didn't come easy but here I am living full time. I refuse to deny or hide myself any longer.
I was married also for over twenty years, How she put up with me for that long I will never know. I look back and think a lot of my bad behavior, drug abuse and alcoholism was manifestations of the dysphoria I knew nothing about.
So yes there is a lot of commonality in our stories and some differences. The best difference is that you do not have to go through this dysphoric chaos anywhere near as long as I did. You my friend are on the path to a new life without this monster controlling your life.
We are here to help you should you need some. Support? We have loads of it for you. Understanding, yup that too.
Glad you found us Sam.
Hugs,
Laurie
I'm Laurie,MtF and your self appointed unofficial greeter. Welcome to Susan's Place (hug) Come right on in and whoa are you ever in the right place. There are plenty of us here that relate to your story in a big way. Yours truely with a few differences. One of those is that I suffered these guilty feelings of being different a lot longer than you have. I am 64 an just last November came to realize I wasn't just a closeted crossdresser as I had believed for decades. I was actually a closeted transwoman. I've come out of that closet now as I have bee living as my true self for about a month and a half. It didn't come easy but here I am living full time. I refuse to deny or hide myself any longer.
I was married also for over twenty years, How she put up with me for that long I will never know. I look back and think a lot of my bad behavior, drug abuse and alcoholism was manifestations of the dysphoria I knew nothing about.
So yes there is a lot of commonality in our stories and some differences. The best difference is that you do not have to go through this dysphoric chaos anywhere near as long as I did. You my friend are on the path to a new life without this monster controlling your life.
We are here to help you should you need some. Support? We have loads of it for you. Understanding, yup that too.
Glad you found us Sam.
Hugs,
Laurie
Title: Re: In need of advice...
Post by: Sam79 on August 08, 2017, 05:39:26 AM
Post by: Sam79 on August 08, 2017, 05:39:26 AM
Thank you Laurie, knowing others have a similar story is good. I'll be taking small steps over the next few months to gauge how I feel about things. I've got some time off next week, my wife is cool with me spending some full days en femme. After that I'll see where I go.. xx
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Sent from my HTC 10 using Tapatalk