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I recently had breast augmentation and find myself having reached my goal of passing as female 99.9% of the time, except for when I speak. I am working currently working on my voice feminization via voice feminization therapy.

I am attracted to women only which would make me a MTF lesbian.

The issue I am having is that men are often making passes at me and offering to buy me drinks, etc.

Although I am flattered that I must be passing because of these advances, I am not used to this happening and find myself in awkward situations and unsure of the best way to handle these advances.

Any comments and/or suggestions would be greatly appreciated  ;)

Don't let them them "help" you, if you don't want their help. Once of twice is fine.
And the less of their help you need, The more independant you will apear, And be seen as more caperble of making up your own mind.

Not being a lasbian myself, I cant offer much more then this.

Hi Ejo,

this is what I've been thinking about too - how to handle? Passing as a woman definitely could make men making compliments or even going beyond since - from their perspective - you are a woman to them. The only way to handle it is - I think - taking it in positively, even though you're not attracted to them. You are simply lesbian and CIS women are faced to that "problem" as well.

As long as things are not going off course I wouldn't worry about it at all.

Congratulations!  ;)

Men are humans, so treat them with equal respect as a non-attractive girl. If they compliment you, say thank you. If they strike a conversation, exchange a few words, then excuse yourself and go somewhere (ladies room). If they offer you to buy a drink, politely decline. If they already told a Barnett they're buying you a drink, and the barman asks what that drink shall be - accept it (if you don't want to have too much alcohol - tell the barman to give you a coke). Then (if you are alone) - you may come to the person and have a little conversation, then excuse yourself and go to a ladies room.

I was short on money when was out, so I always welcomed a free drink :) It is just an invitation to talk to the person, never lead to anything more serious. As long as you don't accept physical advances and let the guy upfront, I'm taken - it's not offensive to just talk.


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When this started happening to me I was a bit nervous while at the same time flattered.   Over the past few years I have gotten used to it.  You will too.

The easiest thing to do is politely decline and say no thank you. 

If you do accept your not saying "I'd like to have sex with you".  But men will use this to open up a conversation with you.  It's your choice if you want to be approached by accepting the drink.  I have had many conversations with men at restaurant bars and have never had a problem. 

Quote from: Ejo on August 07, 2017, 01:20:22 AM
I recently had breast augmentation and find myself having reached my goal of passing as female 99.9% of the time, except for when I speak. I am working currently working on my voice feminization via voice feminization therapy.

I am attracted to women only which would make me a MTF lesbian.

The issue I am having is that men are often making passes at me and offering to buy me drinks, etc.

Although I am flattered that I must be passing because of these advances, I am not used to this happening and find myself in awkward situations and unsure of the best way to handle these advances.

Any comments and/or suggestions would be greatly appreciated  ;)

A free drink is a free drink. You can always climb out of the toilet window.

That's my philosophy in life. There is no such thing as a free lunch, but you are in control of how much you pay for it.

So, there are no bars frequented by ladies that are also only interested in other ladies? If you are not interested in men, you might want to rethink where you go to hang out.
It's like me deciding not to go to bars where I know fights are going to start. If you remove yourself from places where you are going to feel uncomfortable, there should be less conflict.
I know you can never completely avoid conflict, but wisdom can help avoid it.

It can be scary.. but the advice given here is good.. take it as a compliment.

At least you picked it up.. The first time that happened to me.. I kinda was clueless. I was with a friend having a drink, these guys started chatting to us and this one guy really started chatting with me.. I just thought he was friendly as I had interacted with a lot of people that day.. when we left my friend says to me.. wow that guy was really into you... I was like ok..

A wise man or woman will avoid violence whenever possible. Carrying a weapon can turn any misdemeanor into a felony. I will add that even a well trained individual rarely stands a chance in a mob.
If you are uncomfortable with people in a bar or tavern, don't go there. Find another place to go.

Ejo asked a good question, the first half dozen replies were well thought out with tidbits I might hope to use someday if I am lucky.  And then a good thread went sideways, guns blazing.  Sheesh.  Never mind...

 :police:
I have removed some posts.

Violence is not a good way of settling anything. I would suggest that people in vulnerable minorities such as TG people would be wise not to resort to violence as a primary form of argument.

Cindy
Forum Admin

I don't go to bars, or drink alcohol, so this is not something that I anticipate having occur.  I have had 1 male approach me to talk, and when I spoke, my voice gave me away immediately and he backed off pretty quick.  Just yesterday, two men waved t me while I was riding my bike.  One of them drove past very slowly, turned around and drove past again.  This was new, as I have never had anyone wave to me while riding in the past.  I took it as I can pass from 50+ feet away.

Sorry, I know this isn't helpful, I just took it as a compliment.

Artesia what you said is helpful.  You just reminded me I better get to practicing my voice lessons for the week, so I don't fail during my voice training lesson tomorrow.  (Last week's lesson didn't go well - I gotta practice more). 

Quote from: Lady Sarah on August 09, 2017, 12:21:40 AM
A wise man or woman will avoid violence whenever possible. Carrying a weapon can turn any misdemeanor into a felony. I will add that even a well trained individual rarely stands a chance in a mob.
If you are uncomfortable with people in a bar or tavern, don't go there. Find another place to go.

Not if you live in a state that allows carry laws. We should all avoid violence but if someone is going to make advances towards me and not listen to me, then I have to stand my ground.

I see a dangerous flaw in logic here.  Angie for your sake and for others, I hope you can understand this.

Quote from: Angieisalone on August 09, 2017, 02:59:29 PM
Not if you live in a state that allows carry laws. We should all avoid violence but if someone is going to make advances towards me and not listen to me, then I have to stand my ground.

I am not aware of any state in USA that allows carrying in a bar while consuming any alcohol. And going to a bar for a coke is smart, but only a few states would allow even that. And most adults want to drink at least some alcohol when going to a bar.

I think as in all social situation in life it pays to be assertive and clear with others. When people are rude or disrespectful i remove myself from their presence, or tell them firmly my point of view and leave it at that.

When someone is genuine, polite and nice, i appreciate the conversation.

It was at a casino after attending a concert when the last drink offer occurred. I don't drink alcohol and I refuse to live my life hiding, such as in going to a lesbian bar only. This is "my world" and I intend to see it to the fullest! I don't believe in only going places especially for LGBT because if I do that I'm letting the LGBT uneducated people win, and I'm a winner not a looser.

I get you. I live near a huge college campus and have gotten my share of passes. It'd be fine but I'm very dysphoric about being pre-op (god forbid they find that you're trans *and* pre-op) so I don't really want to have any kind of thing yet. Really all you have to do is just decline their advances. It's that easy.

Tell them you're a lesbian.

Quote from: Katrina on August 10, 2017, 11:54:53 PM
Tell them you're a lesbian.

Do that and you will just get asked for threesomes instead ...

Quote from: VickyMI on August 07, 2017, 10:29:38 AM
When this started happening to me I was a bit nervous while at the same time flattered.   Over the past few years I have gotten used to it.  You will too.

The easiest thing to do is politely decline and say no thank you. 

If you do accept your not saying "I'd like to have sex with you".  But men will use this to open up a conversation with you.  It's your choice if you want to be approached by accepting the drink.  I have had many conversations with men at restaurant bars and have never had a problem.

Very good advice and I've had same experience, it is a bit unnerving when it happens first few times, I remember discussing it with my mother all them years ago, she was just amused by it and saying ''welcome to womanhood, you'll get use to it''  and I have, it can be flattering if the attention is not threatening, attention from older is a bit more respectful, I sometimes accompany my husband to work parties, older men will sometimes ask hubby, ''what would your lady wife like to drink'' they never ask me directly, always ask hubby which is kind of weird, sometimes men can be so condescending, calling me honey, dear and luv, but it's all harmless male attention if it's not threatening or uncomfortably, you'll get use to handling it, agggh MEN!! Welcome to womanhood.

Quote from: Katrina on August 10, 2017, 11:54:53 PM
Tell them you're a lesbian.

You're still new at this, aren't you?

I wear an engagement ring and wedding ring, point out that I'm married and the conversation will switch from "can I see you again?" to "can I be your friend and get your number anyway?"
Guys can be very stubborn.

What I'm still not used to is guys randomly striking up a conversation. It seems to happen a lot on elevators.

Quote from: Ejo on August 09, 2017, 09:23:45 PM
It was at a casino after attending a concert when the last drink offer occurred. I don't drink alcohol and I refuse to live my life hiding, such as in going to a lesbian bar only. This is "my world" and I intend to see it to the fullest! I don't believe in only going places especially for LGBT because if I do that I'm letting the LGBT uneducated people win, and I'm a winner not a looser.

I go to gay bars because they're fun.  Not to hide.  And there tends to be a lot fewer 'uneducated' people there than in a typical cis bar. 

Becca Kay: I think you may have misunderstood the part where I said uneducated. I didn't mean that there are less educated people at gay bars, what I meant was that I won't let people that lack education about transgender people keep me from going wherever I want. Actually, I thing that transgender people are more intelligent than the average person for whatever reason, at least my friend are,  and I do go to gay bars and have lots of fun there with friends, but I won't let the haters keep me away from a straight bar or any other place I want to go to.

I would just tell them that you're a lesbian or if you're uncomfortable with that just say you're in a relationship?

The way I handle it is by chatting with a guy flirting/whatever... if I think it could go somewhere or know we are both into it, I will usually say something like "I have to go check on my dog, but if you give me your number I promise I'll text you as soon as I get home and we can meet up or something.."

Then when I leave I text him and say hey i'm super into you, but you should know I'm trans. obviously that doesn't work for your scenarios lol, but may help someone else!

I would go to gay bars if it was possible. It is more obvious that you don't want men to hit on you there. And the chanses for a gay man to hit on you is very small. But the women there know you are there for same resons.

I don't know how gay bars are in your country, but here in Sweden they are often mixed, sometimes just girls or just guys.

Do your research.

I like to go to bars too. I never drink alcohol though. But being a gay i a normal bar can trigger aggression from some people. I don't know why they feel threatened.

You sound now to this. With time you'll get used to "bounce" men away. Don't worry, they'll offer you lots of practice.

Remember, don't give any kind of "hint" that you're interested, because some will consider a friendly attitude as a sign of "I want to have sex with you" and they'll get a bit annoying.

Thank them for the offer, and decline it politely.... they usually get the message. The ones that don't are going to persist, and at that point a simple "not my type", "not interested", or just turn your cheek and ignore them.