Susan's Place Transgender Resources

This October is my brothers wedding and he is inviting me. But there is the problem he is inviting who I was. I have been living full time for more than a year now. He made my card out to my dead name and my gift and place where me and my partner sit is labeled as my dead name.

I realized if I go to this wedding I am going to be dead named by family that refuse to call me on my new name. I have to sit at a place and stare at that name the whole night. I am going to be treated as a freak. I am not going to be comfortable at all. Everyone is already fighting with me on what I should wear. Well that is the funny part as I can dress in male clothing but believe me I don't look like a man. I don't pass as a man anymore. I can go to the shops no makeup in a tshirt with jeans and slops and I still get clocked female so how do they expect I must dress in male clothes. Do they even know that I might break down and end up in rehab again.

What about my male partner how must he feel seeing how this people treat his partner how they hurt me. I know the night is not about me but make it about them and get kicked in the ribs by them just because it is their special day. So I must risk my mental health for their special day. I feel like staying at home. I feel that I must give them the finger and say I won't take their BS anymore.

Personally, I would decline the invitation. I've lost friends and family as a result of going full time 10 years ago. It was the price I had to pay to be happy.
While I've not seen my brother  and sister in ten years, I've found new friends who only know me now, not from before.

I hope your not asking what you should do.

Forget the whole lot of em! Pfft!
So sad when people can be so defiant and ignorant. I would go see no dud wedding where everyone is against me.

Quote from: Rachel_Christina on August 08, 2017, 05:45:22 AM
I hope your not asking what you should do.

Forget the whole lot of em! Pfft!
So sad when people can be so defiant and ignorant. I would go see no dud wedding where everyone is against me.

Sort of because I want to know if I am in the wrong if I show down this invitation.

Hi Amore

They are being incredibly disrespectful. My answer would simple and unwavering. If it was under those conditions I simply would not go.

You are setting yourself up to do some potentially serious psychological damage to youself. Most times I would be carrying on about co-operation, give and take. Not under those circumstances. I personally would be drawing a line in the sand and refusing to cross it. I don't know wether that is possible but if you agree  to their demands, chances are this won't be the last time.

Tell him you'll come, but only if he re-sends the invite with the proper name and places the proper name card at your assigned seat, otherwise just wish him a happy life and call it good.

Well just don't go they are entirely in the wrong.
Probably afraid you would upstage his wench hahaha
You are better than that

Yeah his wife to be is the one that made the ticket and the glass that my dead name is on. So it doesn't look if either of them respect me.

They didn't invite you.  They invited some guy who no longer exists.  The invitation tells you that you are not welcome there.

I would decline the invitation.

Have you spoken to your brother about the invitation? If he admits it was disrespectful and still wants you to be there, then I would just ask that he revise his plans for your attendance so that you can be you. If he insists on keeping your dead name and identity in his plans, then decline the invitation.

Quote from: WhatAmI? on August 08, 2017, 06:51:42 AM
Have you spoken to your brother about the invitation? If he admits it was disrespectful and still wants you to be there, then I would just ask that he revise his plans for your attendance so that you can be you. If he insists on keeping your dead name and identity in his plans, then decline the invitation.

I asked him to revise his plans. He told me to go F myself. Who do I think I am. So I declined his invitation.

Quote from: KathyLauren on August 08, 2017, 06:31:48 AM
They didn't invite you.  They invited some guy who no longer exists.  The invitation tells you that you are not welcome there.

I would decline the invitation.

I actually used this exact words why I am not going also to his wedding as a reason.

Quote from: Amoré on August 08, 2017, 07:13:55 AM
I asked him to revise his plans. He told me to go F myself. Who do I think I am. So I declined his invitation.

Not only would I not go to the wedding, but after that, this would be my last contact with him. Move on, build a new happy life.

Quote from: Charley on August 08, 2017, 07:34:57 AM
Not only would I not go to the wedding, but after that, this would be my last contact with him. Move on, build a new happy life.

I reached a point today where I want to cut people out of my life that don't accept me for who I am.

Send a nice gift, maybe go to the ceremony as you, but skip the reception.


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Quote from: Amoré on August 08, 2017, 07:13:55 AM
I asked him to revise his plans. He told me to go F myself. Who do I think I am. So I declined his invitation.

If that's the case, screw it.


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Quote from: Amoré on August 08, 2017, 07:13:55 AM
I asked him to revise his plans. He told me to go F myself. Who do I think I am. So I declined his invitation.

If he feels that way, then I really don't understand why he even wants to invite you. I think you made the right decision by declining the invitation. You're saving yourself from a lot of drama.

I got a nasty response asking me who do I think I am. I asked him who do he think he is for dead naming me. Making an invitation on a dead name. Making my name on the table a dead name. I know who I am. I am Amore and I won't tolerate dead naming.They know for 3 years now that I am trans I have been transitioning now for 2 years and living full time for a year. I am tired of the ignorance.

Amore
As hard as it may be just block him from your life, his has no respect for you by using your dead name, its so sad when families don't understand or don't want to know at the end of the day you are still your brothers sibling male or female.
Sara.

Send them matching coffee  mugs with your picture and name on it.  Definitely don't go to the wedding.

Think of it this way: If you avoid the wedding you'll avoid an uncomfortable time for you and also will avoid unintentionally getting all this attention that should be on your brother and his spouse. So if you say it like that, he will understand why you're not going without feeling like you're making a scene.


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Amore, his response and the way you were invited was not meant to be inclusive of you as family. I know it's gotta hurt, but these things were done purposely in a hurtful manner.

If your brother really loved you as he ought to, he would have stood up for you. Instead he and his wife to be have done the opposite. I know from pictures you had on here in the past that you do not look masculine at all. They are pushing you into a corner where you have to be who they expect to be allowed the privilege of their company. I'm really sorry they have done this to you.

Don't go. For your own well being and your own happiness, don't go.

LOL! Good one, Robyn!

"Send them matching coffee  mugs with your picture and name on it.  Definitely don't go to the wedding."

I totally agree you made the right call. If people are disrespectful, time to ignore them. If you don't exist to them, then THEY don't exist to you either.

Hi Amore,

I agree with the others, you don't want to be there with that type of venom.  You don't want to be blamed if something goes wrong.  I would just let it go and live your own life.  It never ceases to amaze me how almost every family have one or more nasty jerks. 

Do you have any other family that are supportive?

Hope you're okay,
Paige :)

Quote from: Paige on August 08, 2017, 11:11:03 AM
Hi Amore,

I agree with the others, you don't want to be there with that type of venom.  You don't want to be blamed if something goes wrong.  I would just let it go and live your own life.  It never ceases to amaze me how almost every family have one or more nasty jerks. 

Do you have any other family that are supportive?

Hope you're okay,
Paige :)

I am a bit broken by what happened I have some supportive family but my family that doesn't support me make them call me on my dead name when they are together. I was told this information last week.

Im going to be blunt, they are not your family. They were to some man who is long gone but not to Amore. Family isnt by blood or name, it is by who is around and cares. You husband is a good example of family. He is there and cares for Amore. This little stunt by this person you seem to refer to as ''brother''. is hurting your true family. If you attend it will put you in psycological harm and also do something similar to your man. Your man will have to see you pretend to be something you are not, you know dead name and wearing mens clothes when you look like the woman you are and aswell your man  will basically have to pretend he is a gay man (which he is not) in order to aplease your ''family''. Two people being miserable for one selfish ''brother''. To be blunt again, your ''brother'' has shown he isnt willing to change. He wants things his way. He would rather you be a miserable ''male'' thingy, then the happy beautiful woman you are!!

Hate to be that person but at some point you gotta cut the ties. I lost family and freinds over my transition. In honesty i recall cutting people disrespectful towards my feelings and my idenity as early as 2012. One year before i took planning of transition seriously and a full 2 years before i began the transition. Why? becasue they already made it known they will never respect me or see me as me, and they will stick to their beleifs i am just some ''dude''. I could have kept them in my life, but why in the world would I ever do a silly thing like that? Even in recent times I had to cut family out of my life after they show their real colours. And in truth, I didnt shed a single tear of it then or now. I dont see any future relationship with those people and i dont plan on making one happen again.

What I am saying is, you got to take care of your true family. Your Husband, Daughter and clsoe friends who would bend over back, not cater to a bunch of ignorant arses hell bent on trying to tell you who you are.

Love ya-Ashley

Quote from: Amoré on August 08, 2017, 11:48:21 AM
I am a bit broken by what happened I have some supportive family but my family that doesn't support me make them call me on my dead name when they are together. I was told this information last week.

Hi Amoré, 

I'm sorry to hear that.  Maybe just concentrate on the real villains here.  Sometimes it's extremely hard to get out from under domineering people.   It doesn't excuse them for not standing up for you, but it's not always the easiest thing to do.  I wouldn't burn any bridges,  you never know, they may see the light down the road.  Just live your own life and be distantly polite.  Some people change, others not so much, but I've found that over the years controlling people usually lose their influence over other people. 

Take care,
Paige :)

Quote from: KathyLauren on August 08, 2017, 06:31:48 AM
They didn't invite you.  They invited some guy who no longer exists.  The invitation tells you that you are not welcome there.

I would decline the invitation.

My words!

Quote from: Amoré on August 08, 2017, 05:37:32 AM
This October is my brothers wedding and he is inviting me. But there is the problem he is inviting who I was. I have been living full time for more than a year now. He made my card out to my dead name and my gift and place where me and my partner sit is labeled as my dead name.

I realized if I go to this wedding I am going to be dead named by family that refuse to call me on my new name. I have to sit at a place and stare at that name the whole night. I am going to be treated as a freak. I am not going to be comfortable at all. Everyone is already fighting with me on what I should wear. Well that is the funny part as I can dress in male clothing but believe me I don't look like a man. I don't pass as a man anymore. I can go to the shops no makeup in a tshirt with jeans and slops and I still get clocked female so how do they expect I must dress in male clothes. Do they even know that I might break down and end up in rehab again.

What about my male partner how must he feel seeing how this people treat his partner how they hurt me. I know the night is not about me but make it about them and get kicked in the ribs by them just because it is their special day. So I must risk my mental health for their special day. I feel like staying at home. I feel that I must give them the finger and say I won't take their BS anymore.

My wife, today many years post-op, was invited to her brothers wedding decades ago when she was living and presenting full-time as female. She immediately saw the ONLY reason was to point out "The Freak". Nothing outwardly was said and done. But, as you can imagine, you just "Know" that EVERYONE was told.