Susan's Place Transgender Resources

I realized today that in all the posts I've made and comments I've added, I haven't really introduced myself.  I also realize that I can go on and on about things, especially when I'm passionate, and I know it's inevitable that some things get misinterpreted.  So here is a bit of my story to give you personal perspective.

My name is Aria, but my birth name is Daniel.  I grew up in the Assembly of God denomination in Massachusetts, so mine was a strange mix of a charismatic and Neo Puritan upbringing.  Speaking in tongues, missionary camp, etc.  My puberty was such that anxiety and shame were hardwired into my brain because I was attracted to men and had zero people to confide in.  At 21, I came out as gay (I had little understanding of what this meant, and virtually zero knowledge of anything trans-related) and left the church.  My dad made it clear he could never support that, and my mom just cried.  A lot.  I went nuts during my 20s and was with all sorts of people doing all sorts of things.

I was miserable.  I dropped to 100 pounds (which at 5'1, was still too small) yet still was obsessed with feeling fat and ugly.  I slept with countless men and always tried to date, as a need to prove to myself that yes, in fact, I was still gay that day.  As a teenager, I had a constant cyclical prayer of "please forgive me for my sins," that ended up just turning into constant cyclical anxiety.  My mind was always occupied with fear, anticipation of the worst, and fatality.  I felt shameful when around other men, I was obnoxious around my friends, and I was a very mean and angry drunk (which I became far too many times).  I put myself in scary and harmful situations, constantly put myself down, and was never able to be stable for five minutes at a time.

I graduated college and became a massage therapist.  I started to discover my gift of healing, one which I embrace to the point of thinking it would be my savior.  But it didn't last long.  Despite being good at what I did, I was selling myself short, self destructing, and hating myself just as much as I'd been before.  I ended up becoming what I was convinced I already was: a disgusting, miserable, worthless entity.  I floated.  I had no identity of self.  I went for years having no idea that everything I was experiencing was in fact dysphoria.

So finally, it hit me out of nowhere.  I was driving home one night and asking the divine why I wasn't changing, why I didn't feel any respect or love for myself.  And then this voice said "because you're transgender."  I hadn't considered it before, and the idea terrified me.  I pulled over because I was sobbing and screaming for it to please, not be true.  I ran from it for a while, as so many do, until it came back about a year later.  But at this point, i was ready for it.  I'd gone through so much self inflicted pain and loneliness, that I was ready to accept what could finally be my truth.

And now, I'm about four months into hormones, and every bit of self loathing and anger and anxiety have all but vanished.  I had been addicted to these feelings, but now becoming Aria is replacing my need for any of it.  I haven't told myself to stop, and only just started therapy a few weeks ago.  It's just leaving on its own.  Finally feeling..right.  Feeling me.  And the joy that comes with this sense of self is so deep and true, there's no denying it or wondering if I made a mistake. 

So when I talk about leaving one's old self behind, or letting go of what people think, or any of the other things you might see as pithy or ignoring the hurt and confusion of others on here, please know.  I am no better than anyone else.  We are all beautiful, wonderful, good people.  And there really is a way out of the cycle of hurt and anger and fear.  For some, it takes decades.  For some, it is so difficult to even acknowledge one's potential worth.  I know how real it is to hate myself so deeply as to wish on a daily basis that I would be killed, or just never wake up again.  But here I am.  Pouring out this frame of my story.  I have a lot more behind this basic summary.  Maybe we'll become friends and more will come out.  But just please know, I love you all so so much.  I have found myself.  And I hope that you can too.

Much love,
Aria

I think I am having daja vu or something or maybe my dreams that i had a long ago were fortelling my future sight because holy cow, I could have sworn I read this a long time ago on Susans :O

That asaide, good on you for finding out your self <3

I guess I've said similar things before, last September when I joined.  But I'm in a much different place now and wanted to reconnect