Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Last night I was at a queer support group and someone mentioned that their first/birth/dead/... Name represents a lot of baggage.

Today, I received an email from myself as Denise (sent to the whole team) and I realized that when I see my new name, it's a clean slate without any history or context.  While my old name has lots of both.

I wonder if that's part of why it's taking time to get used to the new pronouns.

Opinions?

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I think it's just what you've gotten used to. Being that I'm not even living part time yet, all I hear is my birth name. I was walking down the street once and someone was yelling at me "hey Raven!" and I didn't realize they were calling me! Lol

I'm probably going to also change my last name. So it really will be a clean slate. But I'm mainly changing it for aesthetics. Lol


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My old name was just a typo. As was my genitals. Both getting/got corrected. Onwards I go.

My baggage with the old name wasn't transgender related, I just wanted a completely different name so I changed everything, first, middle, and last.

Hugs, Devlyn

changing both first and last name was the the first meaningful thing I did to kickstart my transition. It was like ridding myself of the past.

My new first name is similar to my birth name and I like that.  One thing I will miss about my birth name is it was chosen to bridge two cultures - Ken has a Kanji character and is also a western name.  My father's ancestors are Welsh, my mother is from Japan.

I am going to ask my parents to choose my middle name.  My parents shocked me last month by being genuinely accepting and supportive when I told them I am transitioning.  I wasn't expecting them to be so positive as they are both 86 and politically conservative.  My mom is excited and my dad actually likes me now.  An additional reason to avoid generalizing based on someone's political or religious beliefs.  Individuals can and do make individual decisions.

In 1963 gender wasn't generally declared before birth as is common today.  This has caused me to wonder what my parents would have named me if they had identified me as a girl when I was born.

The other reason a similar name is good in my case is I can be absent minded.  Yesterday at a coffee shop I was asked for my name so they could keep track of the order.  I hesitated, had to think about what I was wearing above the belt before answering.  Wow that felt stupid.  I am getting tired of part time - I know what I need to do. 

My birth name is a masculized form of what my parents planned.  I'm reminded of that often, so using the feminine version is natural for me.

My parents refused to help in renaming me, and for a long time refused to use my new name.  Actually, almost no one was willing to give me input.  I ended up picking a name that meant something to me, was somewhat androgynous (for those phone conversations where I just don't have the energy to explain myself) and didn't bother my spouse as much as the rest of the list.

I've since found names that I wish I had considered, but that's what happens when you name yourself.  Coulda/woulda/shoulda.

My chosen name is the female version of my male one. I like it and I am also keeping my lastname. It ties me to my family and I'm still the same person, so I don't want to get rid of it.


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There is a lot of significance in both my birth name and my chosen name.  I was named Daniel at birth, which has the Hebrew meaning "God is my judge."  And Aria has a few meanings, one being "Lion of God" and another being a "long, accompanied song for a solo voice, typically one in an opera or oratorio."  I was unaware of the former meaning of Aria when I chose it, as it just fit so perfectly with my free nature, much like a songbird.  I'm not currently religious, but having been brought up in the Judeo-Christian tradition, religion has shaped a lot of who I am now.

I changed my last name a year ago, and dropped the middle name altogether, as it was my father's full name and I had already decided to separate from him and most of side of the family.  Not out of anger, but just because I knew it was time.  Now, adding my new first name completes the identity.  I don't feel any negativity related to my birth (first) name, despite their being a lot of negativity in who I was.  I only get a twinge of irritation when someone calls me by it, since I am mostly full time at this point, and most people know me as Aria.

I am still training myself to respond to my new name and to ignore my old name.  It doesn't always work.  If someone calls my old name, I still respond like Pavlov's dogs, before I think, "Hey, wait a sec...".

I still have to train myself to catch misgendering.  I'm still in the "Did that guy just call me what I thought he did?" stage.

I have no negative feelings about my old name.  It is just the wrong gender for me.  I picked my new first and middle names based on my old ones.  I was Keith Lawrence; now I am Kathleen Lauren.  Keith is a Scottish name, and Kathleen is the Irish version of Katherine, so I retain the Celtic influence.  I think my parents would have liked my choices.

My birth name has always been a strange thing to me. It never felt like it fit, and other people have said the same thing: that it never quite suited me. I hated it as a child but came to like it as an adult. I don't really have a problem with it, it's neutral in any case, but I just felt like a fresh start.

My full birth name would be pretty elegant-sounding for a woman. Maybe that's what my parents had in mind.

There is a little baggage associated with the old name which changing it might help with. But mostly I wanted to change it to something more masculine proving my seriousness about transition, and also just for a change. I've changed the whole thing, last name and middle name as well.

My birth name, stands as a reminder of all the pain and hurt i faced trying to live up to exspectations it placed upon me.
Its offencive to here this name use in refference to me.

That name was part of that prison i exsisted in. And also the first piece i was able to tear down. So one might be able to say, its the hole i climed out of, and one I i step around this time

My birth name is james, but everyone calls me Jim. I was named after a great grandfather that died on that day 32 years before and and uncle. If I had been a girl, my parents said they would have named me Jacqueline. At this time, Kennedy was in the White House, so I'm sure it was popular. My wife gave me the name Gertrude, but uses trudie as a nickname. My legal middle name is David. I think I will use Jacqueline. It seems as time goes on, I am beginning to resent my birth names, especially when people use them. I don't even like my wife calling me husband.


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My birth name has the II (2nd) attached to it and since my father was called by the first name, I was saddled with the middle name.  Because it is so unusual, I was an instant target for bullies in school causing me to despise my name.  Plus I honestly didn't like my father one bit.  My chosen first name was what I would have been named had I been gendered correctly at birth.  My last name doesn't bother me and, in fact, I want to keep it since one of my kinfolk was a signer of the Constitution (and the first person ever impeached under the same Constitution).  LOL

I've never really felt a connection to my birth name. It's just not me. I really don't have any positive or negative feelings about it, other than it's definitely a man's name. My middle name is the same as my father's, and I'm also going to be changing it. I still haven't decided what to use, though. I've got some normal kind of name ideas, like 'Anne' or 'Dawn', but I'm also thinking of taking it from one of my various favorite anime characters (like 'Miria' or 'Flare').
I've started debating changing my last name, too. I hadn't considered it before, but I am pretty much not a fan of any of my blood relatives. I have much more of a connection with my stepmother's family (although none of them other than my stepmother know about me just yet....).

My birth name always annoyed me.  It was extremely common, so having three or four boys in the same class with the same first name was the norm.  It didn't help that my parents picked two first names that started with the same letter as my last name.  AND they are all common male first names so people have no clue what to call me.

On top of that I just never really liked it.  It always kind of felt wrong.

I never really connected with my deadname. It never felt like it was "mine" in the same way my chosen name is.

I don't hate it. It was a classic, perfectly functional female name. But it wasn't the right gender, and when people use it now, it feels like I'm failing at being my gender.

My birth name just reminds me too much of a horrific child hood & my former family so I just change all of it.
I always had a crush on Sara siedle (think it spelt like that!) From CSI so choose that name.
Sara

I love my birth first name...on someone else.  It is a perfectly wonderful, gothy name that when I was more into the goth scene was great to have...for someone else. 

My chosen name is one that I've been called since 2004, first as a nickname when a group of friends said "you act like Sakuma Ryuichi from (the anime) Gravitation, so that's what we're going to call you, Ryuichi (or Ryu)!"  At the time I was like "*shrug* Okay."  But now, its the only name that I respond to. 

I'm not out to my parents yet, so when they call me by my dead name on phonecalls, I tend to wince and make faces during our phonecalls (they live in other states than I do.)  My Mom knows I legally changed my name, but she still calls me by my deadname, probably because its not a name she's familiar with.  My Dad has no idea I changed my name.  I suppose we should have that conversation soon.

I kept my middle initial for a reason.  I am a HUGE fan of an anime called One Piece, and in it, many significant characters all have the middle initial "D," and there's also a thing called "The Will of D."  No one knows what its supposed to mean, but the manga (comic book) artist said it does have a meaning that will be answered when the series ends.  So I thought it would be fun to have an initial and not know what it stands for.  Considering that One Piece is currently celebrating its 20th year, I probably have quite a few years before I find out what "the D" means!

I decided to keep my last name.  I've always said "I will always be a _______," and when I was married twice, I hyphenated my last name each time.  When I divorced, each time I simply dropped the hypenated name, keeping my birth last name.  Good riddance to those people, they were pretty terrible!

Ryuichi

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My birth name doesn't mean anything to me. I didn't come to terms with it from the get-go.

Honestly can't wait to get my name change and change of legal gender status done.

Mine goes both ways, so guess what.. I'm keeping it.

My mom never picked out a boy's name. Lol. She was going to name me Penny. My brother picked out a name after I was born and to my mom's surprise I wasn't a girl! (Or was I? Lol)

There are feminine versions of my birth name, but I'm not using them.

I'll probably use Penelope when I change my name.


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People I knew always called me by just the last name I had, which I hated. For that reason, I changed first middle and last. I wanted no part of my former life. It was full of misery.
Now, people call me by my first name.

Hi Denise, congratulations on the name change.

My old name did not fit and it hurts every time my ex-wife and daughter use it as well as my brother-in-law. I did not hate my last name, actually for a guy it is a great first, middle and last name. I love my new name and being gendered female, phone and in person.

Changing your name takes some time to automatically respond to others and always think as yourself in the new name. However, when the switch occurs, it feels wonderful.

I am Rachel and it fits me very well.

I see my birth name as mixed. I didn't hate it and losing it will have some level of bittersweetness to it. Under that name i was a wonderful woman's husband, a father and a successful business person. People have called out that name in passion and in love. That name is tied to accomplishments in life and even awards.  In a sense i am still those things under my new name though. I don't see the old me and the new me as different people, just one person evolving.

That person needed a new and feminine name and thus, i became Robyn. I like my new name.

I feel similar to Robyn. I have never really liked my birth name. But the more I learn about my real self the more I appreciate what I've been able to accomplish as a male/birth name. But I have found that I love being called by female name and pronouns. Just makes me smile inside and I get bothered and frustrated when I get male name/pronouns. Probably why I've subconsciously preferred "Coach ......." because it's neither one.

Right now though I'm kinda without a name. Vicki is the name I first chose when I realized and first accepted being trans. I like the name but don't love it. My wife absolutely hates it because she has a family member that she is not fond of. And she has said she wants a say in a new name for me. So if it's going to help us in this transition then I'm all for it. I'll see what she suggests before making a decision.


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I never much liked my birth name, thought it was a bit lame, until a year or so ago, when I came to quite like it - "Joe", short simple to the point, nice guy, treats people right.  ;D Then realising I was trans, at first I was like "Right, I need a new name, something ultra feminine, NOW" - hence Leila, which is the name I use online and I might start asking a few friends to use it soon. For now though, in real life, I'm just dropping the e from Joe. I sign off emails and notes with "Jo", I use it on facebook, but people are taking a while to cotton on, which is annoying. Funny how one extra letter, for that is now how I see it, can be so insulting.

For me my birth name is a little sentimental because my mom gave it to me and meant get from god. My mom passed away when I was 8 years old I dont have very much left from her so I choose the female version of my birth name. I remember asking my mom when I was 5 or 6 what she would have called me if I was a born a girl and I am pretty sure she said Natalie. 

Everytime I heard my birth name my dysphoria increase I hate it
And I hate when people ask my name and when I say it's rose they reply ok , but what is your "real" name
They say that because my identity as girl for them is just role play or something unreal
I feel invalid as girl everytime someone use my birth name
What hurt me more is I cannot change my name legally to rose EVER since it's illegal to transition or to be trans
So I'm stuck with my birth name and force to hear it from everyone ( expect the people who accept my identity as trans girl which are very few in real life )
What My birth name mean to me is the pain everytime I hear it and the pain from the fact that I cannot correct it to rose

Quote from: RobynD on August 11, 2017, 04:39:40 PM
I see my birth name as mixed. I didn't hate it and losing it will have some level of bittersweetness to it. Under that name i was a wonderful woman's husband ... and a successful business person. That name is tied to accomplishments in life and even awards.  In a sense i am still those things under my new name though. I don't see the old me and the new me as different people, just one person evolving.

As with Vicki, my story is similar to Robyn's. I was going to write almost the same thing as above, with the edits I inserted. I too won some awards, and still retain a national championship in my favorite hobby. I have my own mildly successful business with a hard earned reputation for quality work, and I would like to continue to trade on that going forward. I've been in semi-retirement mode for a while, so I'm free to consider anyone who takes their business elsewhere because of my transition to be the loser in the transaction. I have a plan going forward that if necessary allows me to create income without actively soliciting business - sort of a cottage industry where I can happily work alone in the shop at my own pace and sell the final product when it's ready. No worries, it's all legal...

I ran a list of names past my wife, and gave her veto power, which left me with a short list that I liked, but wasn't particularly attached to. When I came out to my Mom and sister (just 5 days ago as of this writing) I asked my Mom if she'd had a girl name picked out for me when I was born. She couldn't remember, but we theorized that it would have been the name my sister ended up with 11 months later. So I'm just feminizing my given name (it should be pretty obvious). My sister and one of my best friends in school often called me Steph, so it was a no-brainer. I'll also be keeping my last name for the reasons above, and because I'm the last in my family line that has it.

I'm taking a little more freedom with my middle name. I started out with "Harmony," to symbolize the eventual alignment of my mind and body, and because of the music connection - more on that below - and I still like it a lot, so it may still end up as the final choice. But my wife suggested that I find something that matches my old middle initial, "R." Monogrammed luggage, email addresses and all that, ya know. I wanted something that flowed, and Stephanie and my last name are both three syllables with the emphasis on the first. I've been all over the baby name sites, and it's hard to find an "R" name with those attributes.

Then I ran across a word not on any name site, but seems to fit me. It has to do with music, which I love, both to listen to and to make - years in band in school, playing some guitar, and lately singing a lot (not professionally by any means, but with my repressed personality bursting out with my transition, I've found I have a pretty good singing voice. I hope I can retain that through my feminine voice training, but I digress). The musical term refers to exuberant joyfulness and improvisation. Well I'm certainly a lot happier now that I'm on my way, and I am making this up as I go. So why not? The word is "Rhapsody."

So Stephanie Rhapsody (DAH-da-da) could be who I am. The more I think about it the more I like it...

For me, I have never liked my given name. It's quite long, and when all three names are said together it sounds like some sort of snobby British name. To shorten my first name was annoying because everyone would misspell it. Not to mention, it was ridiculously common.

Early on I chose a name that sounded similar to my given name, but only considered myself as a crossdresser. Once I made the realization that I was really truly transgender,  I wanted to distance myself as much as possible from both.

While considering names,  I wanted something fairly common, but didn't want a name of someone that I knew. Stacy fit perfectly.  Short, sounds like a nickname, typically feminine. But like others have mentioned,  could still be a male name (for those phone calls that I don't feel like explaining my life story). I really liked the name Renée also,  but couldn't come up with a middle name that I liked with it. So I settled with Renée as my middle name.

For my last name I decided to change that to my mother's maiden name to honor her. She was dying of cancer, and she was everything to me. She carried that name as her middle initial when she married both times. My parents divorced when I was quite young, and my father wasn't around very much. Nor have I ever been close with any of my father's family.

My new name,  and now legal name, is pleasantly shorter. It's cute and simple and sounds rather common. And as it turns out is rather symmetrical. All three names have 5 letters and two syllables.

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My name means very little to me.  I especially hated my middle name.  When I finally get to the point of changing my name, I will not miss the one I am wearing now.  The good news is that, as a gamer, I am used to wearing new names all the time.

I loved my old name, my father dreamt of it to name his child before i was born. Thats why i choose a name that had the first letter with that name.

I don't have a problem with my old name. People used to get it wrong all the time and make it female anyway. I guess because I was androgynous people used my name as a clue to my gender. My old name was Julian. My dad chose it. A lot of times when I would tell someone my name they would say " Julie Ann  Or Jillian "  Lol.  And Julia is so similar it was easy for people to get it right when I transitioned.
Julia

That whole "Dead Name" concept tends to send a cold chill up my spine. My past is a pretty big part of who I am today. Both the good and the bad. I am not full-time. If/When the time does come I have near zero expectations of never hearing "John" again. TBH-most times I never hear it to start with. It's been tuned out of the hearing loop since I was about 8 y/o when about every 3rd boy was named John. 

I do know very well the thrill of hearing and seeing Joanne, even when I am in male mode. Sometimes my wife will slip up in that direction too. I am sure halve the times she doesn't catch it since she does tend to correct herself when she does. I do have to confess to a tinge of hurt when when she does misname me in fem mode. Again she always instantly apologizes and corrects herself. The hurt is offset by her pretty much always referring to me/us as females.

I only ever hear it these days from my family or complete "random events" who have old outdated info on me. I don't use the word 'dead name" as I had no issue with my previous name other than it was so strongly male...then is no way to every feminise it, so I had to choose a new one. I have respect  for it. My father uses it the most...followed by my mother...no surprises there.

Quote from: JoanneB on August 27, 2017, 07:30:20 AM
That whole "Dead Name" concept tends to send a cold chill up my spine. My past is a pretty big part of who I am today. Both the good and the bad. I am not full-time. If/When the time does come I have near zero expectations of never hearing "John" again. ...

I'm not a fan of "dead name" either but it's used a lot.  It's still my legal name (for another 46 days!) but being full-time since March it's meaning less and less to me.  I actually have stopped reacting to it when someone calls out "hey xxx".  It take a lot of effort but so do reacting to "Hey Dee".  Which happens and it takes me a minute to realize they're calling me. :)  It happened at a dinner party where my dad was trying to get my attention... I wonder how many times he tried before I realized he was talking to me.

Quote from: ElizabethK on August 27, 2017, 07:40:01 AM
I only ever hear it these days from my family or complete "random events" who have old outdated info on me. I don't use the word 'dead name" as I had no issue with my previous name other than it was so strongly male...then is no way to every feminise it, so I had to choose a new one. I have respect  for it. My father uses it the most...followed by my mother...no surprises there.

I know some people like their feminized male name.  That was not for me as my old name is easily feminized but I wanted a clean and clear break in other people's minds.  Besides I have a niece with that other name.  Denise starts with the same first letter so when I sign stuff, worse case is I start and realize what I'm doing and switch mid signature.

I have a little more understanding of family members who use a person's old name. When I first transitioned my dad had no problem using female pronouns from the start. But he would use my male name. He always corrected himself immediately but he still did it. I would get really really mad when he did it even though I knew he didn't do it on purpose. I told him it wasn't that hard to remember.  He told me it was harder than I realized. He told me that for the rest of the day he wasn't going to respond to me if I called him dad. He said I had to call him Jack. That is his name but I've never called him that of course. It was harder than I realized.  I've called him dad my whole life. It was very hard to remember to  call him Jack.

Now if someone uses your old name on purpose, well then they are just a dick.

Julia

I have always said, I have no issue with Muscle Memory( which is when people do it as part of an automatic learned response because they have known you all your life by that name) as Julia have described. My immediate family don't ever use my old name and very rarely muck up pronouns, because they made a commitment to each other to use my new name and pronouns every time they talked about me wether I was there or not. They all said it was much easier for them and they slip up very rarely if at all these days and always correct themselves.

Julia I agree with you if they do it deliberately or simply don't even try then they don't deserve my attention.