Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Hi there

I already posted a few times on a few topics, but will just do a 'hello' in here too. I don't necessarily want to explain my whole life history, but I'm a trans woman in my 40s who wants to finally get on with transitioning, after spending my life on and off experimenting with different ways of dealing with the fact that I'm assigned male but identify much more with women, don't like being treated as a man in any of the areas of my life, generally have always tended to like traditionally feminine aspects of gender expression/presentation and hobbies and would also rather have a female body (and so have always felt a bit confused and repressed and blocked in my self-expression, relationships etc due to this).

I have had phases of trying to see if just occasionally cross-dressing was the solution for me, or trying to present myself in subtly more androgynous ways, and I also veered around in how I identified, from thinking I might just be a cross-dresser, to identifying as non-binary/androgyne or genderfluid etc. At various points I felt scared about the implications of difficulties that would be involved if I admitted  I might be 'transsexual'.

Part of the problem about taking this decision to move on with a MTF transition has been a life that's been rather up and down and in some ways lacking a lot of security and stability, another part is practical things like having had a lot of body hair or losing it on my head... (I've partially solved the body hair issue now, and am looking into options for the head hair) but I think also part of the problem has been an unrealistic idea of what it takes to be a trans woman, that you have to have terrible dysphoria and be completely suicidal about it, or you have to be sure you'll pass perfectly at all times and not only that but look young and beautiful, or that your voice has to be really feminine, or that you have to feel 100% girly and feminine all the time (early on in my life I even thought that the fact I had attractions to women meant I wasn't one... doh.. and in fact it turned out I'm bi anyway in my orientation, thought I don't like being treated like either a gay or straight man) ...

In reality I think actually I'm quite feminine enough to hope to fit in as a normal enough woman, whatever 'normal' is, and my gender identity is definitely woman 'enough' for it to make sense for me to commit to it and not to stay in a gender role that doesn't suit me.

I think some of the issues are also just part of the unreasonably expectations society places on any women, for that matter, and not all cis woman look like Barbies or necessarily act and feel super feminine all the time.

Also, most of my life I feel like I've been slightly a spectator in my life and have spent a lot of time in my own thoughts, and much of my time if not seriously depressed (which has happened sometimes, generally due to specific life events) then in a kind of mild ongoing depression/anxiety, with a tendency to worry about things and over-analyse.

I feel/hope that transitioning might bring out a bit more happy and spontaneous person who might be there... Anyway, I'm curious to find out what it brings in all kinds of ways, if, as I intend now, I do start on hormones and look to transition socially over the next year. It won't be boring anyway I guess :)

Anyway, thanks for the kind and helpful comments I already had on other threads.

Liv :-)

Hi Liv!

  I'm Laurie,mtf and a greeter of sorts in an unofficial kind of way. (hugs)  Welcome unofficially to Susan's place. (An official greeting would have links and stuff for you) Come on in a little further Liv since you obviously have your foot in the door anyway. There coffee and hot water for tea on the counter, water in the tap and maybe something cold in the fridge (not sure about that last). Find yourself a seat girl.  here this on is comfy and Liz won't mind. (she's sleeping in down under land atm)
  Well, it certainly sounds as those you've been doing your homework and know what you want to do with this gender thing. That's awesome! Not everyone knows what they want when they visit here. I was pretty sure I did, as I had already taken the plunge and started HRT on my own with the caveat that I would stop if it didn't feel right.... I have not stopped and I confessed to my doctor, got gender therapy and am doing things the right way now. It is good that you explored all the paths open to you before settling on the mtf decision. I'm sure it will serve you well know this is the right path for you.
  I hope you have a great journey as you progress in your transition and I hope you like it here at Susan's.  Here you'll find support and very possibly many friends. I look forward to seeing you around these forums.

Hugs,
   Laurie

Thanks a lot :-) ps. I realised I started off saying I was just going to say hello and didn't want to tell my life story, but wrote kind of a long post anyway :-/  never mind ! Yes, I don't exactly rush into things, I seem to like to consider the options... I'm sure that character trait has its pros and cons.. Oh well, as long as I keep moving forward, hey? Hugs to you as well :-)

  Glad you are here Liv.

Laurie

Hi Liv  :icon_wave:

Welcome to Susan's Place  :)  Glad to have you here

Hugs

V M

I have been here long enough Liv that everyone has their own way to introduce themselves on here. I love the short ones as well as the long ones. Some of us are more open to being open with other about ourselves than others. The one sentence that just shouted to me cause this is true for me as well was "Also, most of my life I feel like I've been slightly a spectator in my life and have spent a lot of time in my own thoughts, and much of my time if not seriously depressed". I didn't know I was depressed till due to circumstance happened and my wife left me that I feel into a deep depression that I realized I have been depressed and in a low for a while. It was a real wake up call for me. My thoughts in my head finally started coming out and I realized that I am not living as the person that I want to be or comfortable being. So I took steps to change my life. I connect with you and understand. I agree western society's demands on women to be perfect and certain things is unrealistic. Anyway that is some about me and I am happy to be on this forum with so many people that I find commonality with, so welcome!!!!!!

Thanks everyone :-)  Glad you connected with what I said Jailyn and I hope it's working out well for you and you feel better these days