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My boyfriend recently broke up with me due to my transition. I've been on T blockers for almost 3 months and on estrogen for a month and a half. I thought I was ready to face rejection and being alone but I've found out I'm not. I'm having a big identity crisis at the moment...I'm feeling afraid of letting go of who I was and now can't even look at past pictures of myself before starting because I looked so good as a man and it hurts to see that I destroyed that. I'm still presenting as male but look somewhat different.

I'm just at the beginning and can't deal with rejection, can't deal with feeling like a weirdo. I didn't feel like that until the breakup, it made me see things from another perspective.

I feel like stopping because I want the pain to stop. I don't even know if I can get my relationship back by stopping but right now it feels like it's about more than that... it's not only my relationship, it's getting back the feeling of being normal and feeling lovable.

Please help. Any thoughts?


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Firstly a big Hug.

It isn't easy and it isn't fair and....

In my experience there is no going back. What do you go back too? Will you boyfriend suddenly forget? What happens when your dysphoria kicks in again.. and it will.

This is the time to lean on and use your therapist. That is why we have them.

Hi Charlie Nicki

I wish there was something that I could say to help. Transition is very hard on our selves and all of your friends and family. It has been years for me and I'm very happy that I transitioned. I myself moved 100 miles away from where I use to live and have started my life over. I have met so many new friends here and have found a new love that loves me for who I am.
The friends that you had before that are true friends and family will still be for you and with you. The other family and friend's can complete there life without me and were really not you friends and family.
My Heart is with you and always remember it is you that has to take care of yourself and when you are happy everyone around you will be happier and love being with you more.

Hugs
Lyndsey


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Quote from: Charlie Nicki on August 25, 2017, 04:21:41 AM
My boyfriend recently broke up with me due to my transition. I've been on T blockers for almost 3 months and on estrogen for a month and a half. I thought I was ready to face rejection and being alone but I've found out I'm not. I'm having a big identity crisis at the moment...I'm feeling afraid of letting go of who I was and now can't even look at past pictures of myself before starting because I looked so good as a man and it hurts to see that I destroyed that. I'm still presenting as male but look somewhat different.

I'm just at the beginning and can't deal with rejection, can't deal with feeling like a weirdo. I didn't feel like that until the breakup, it made me see things from another perspective.

I feel like stopping because I want the pain to stop. I don't even know if I can get my relationship back by stopping but right now it feels like it's about more than that... it's not only my relationship, it's getting back the feeling of being normal and feeling lovable.

Please help. Any thoughts?


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Not to talk you out of ay feelings you many have but would stopping transition really be any better? I am going to say a few things and sorry if they hurt but it is for the best to prevent mega damages. Going back to male would have some plus for example, you wont need to take hrt forever and face less violence. However, chances of you getting your man back are  next to none as he already knows the true you and even if you do go back the people you know in life already know about this trans journey so there old opinions will not come back. I would suggest talking to your therpaist and embracing that you are no longer a gay man but a striaght woman. I feel for ya hun, but you did transition for a reason and that was becuase the male life isnt for you. I will support what ever decision you make but think this out throw compeltley <3

Quote from: Charlie Nicki on August 25, 2017, 04:21:41 AM
My boyfriend recently broke up with me due to my transition. I've been on T blockers for almost 3 months and on estrogen for a month and a half. I thought I was ready to face rejection and being alone but I've found out I'm not. I'm having a big identity crisis at the moment...I'm feeling afraid of letting go of who I was and now can't even look at past pictures of myself before starting because I looked so good as a man and it hurts to see that I destroyed that. I'm still presenting as male but look somewhat different.

I'm just at the beginning and can't deal with rejection, can't deal with feeling like a weirdo. I didn't feel like that until the breakup, it made me see things from another perspective.

I feel like stopping because I want the pain to stop. I don't even know if I can get my relationship back by stopping but right now it feels like it's about more than that... it's not only my relationship, it's getting back the feeling of being normal and feeling lovable.

Please help. Any thoughts?


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Hi Daniela, this endeavor is a huge change for all of us, for different and same reasons.  Some have issues that have been resolved some have not.  I wrote you a PM and wish you the best in your life.
Hugs, Jessica

I'm sorry you are feeling that way. In my opinion stopping your transition won't help anything. You transitioned for a reason.  You needed to. Not to be hurtful, but I totally doubt stopping will get your boyfriend back. Even if you stopped and looked like you did before, your boyfriend is now aware of your trans feelings and even if you go back to looking the way he likes he will be thinking that there is no reason you might not transition again in the future. No matter how much you love someone you can't live a life as something you're not just for them.

I suggest you put away the pictures of your old self for a while. What good is being cute as a male if that's not what you are or want to be?  Personally I would rather be what my boyfriend calls a "bush pig" (a very ugly woman) than a really hot guy any day. I'm not saying you're ugly or anything but you are starting transition. That's a awkward time for all of us. It's easy to think about how much easier things would be if you went back. And they probably would.  You might even be able to supress your feelings but they will totally come back. Then you would be transitioning in mid life and have to live with the years of your life you  wasted trying to be someone you're not.

I'm really sorry you're hurting so much and it's natural to want to go to a safe place when we get hurt but you need to remember that things won't be this crappy forever. They do get better.
Big hugs
Julia

Suppressing ones true self over the long term does more harm than good. And, when one suppresses those feelings, we do it out of fear of losing something or someone.
Transitioning means doing it for yourself.

I hope you have a good support group you are going to.  As they say: "Misery LOVES company."
What you are going thru is a birth.  And birth is painful.  There is no getting around that. Ask any woman who has experienced it. 

Oh. And BTW.  Looking at pictures of your old self? HUGE MISTAKE.
I avoid those like the plague.

Just to clarify, I'm sure that even if went back, my boyfriend wouldn't return...And that isn't the reason why I'm considering this. It's just that this situation has showed me the possibility that rejection is real, and that it hurts, and that I'm having a hard time handling it. I was basically inside a bubble because these past 4 months coming out to everyone were pretty seamless, everyone was supportive so I felt strong and powerful, felt I was ready for it. But now that one my biggest supporters left I face reality and things aren't as easy and will not be as easy as I imagined. I fear losing my life and being depressed forever.

Quote from: Janes Groove on August 25, 2017, 11:03:31 AMOh. And BTW.  Looking at pictures of your old self? HUGE MISTAKE.
I avoid those like the plague.

So does that happen for everyone? Seeing old pictures makes you nostalgic and somewhat missing who you were? That's how I feel at the moment, cuz despite the dysphoria I was able to be somewhat stable and had it all. I don't hate the guy I see in the pictures, I have so much love for him and all that I accomplished looking like that.

If misery loves company, I don't feel normal either. I look at cis-gender people and think that they don't have to go through life obsessing about being in the wrong body. I hate looking in the mirror seeing a man dressed up like a woman. I am depressed and anxious about not transitioning and much more fearful about being all alone after transitioning as my marriage falls apart and I lose my community and friends, likely driving me into a deep depression and causing me to question the meaning of it all. I see TG as an affliction that I don't want. It sucks. It makes me miserable, depressed and anxious.

If this all sounds normal to anyone, I don't know what abnormal is!

PS
My wife was going to leave me when I started to feminize until I realized that if I didn't at least I would have my wife in my life who makes me happy and feel good about myself. Don't give up yet on your relationship with your boyfriend yet. Think about what is your best alternative. Gender dysphoria absolutely sucks and always will, but not everyone transitions.

Quote from: Charlie Nicki on August 25, 2017, 11:19:02 AM
So does that happen for everyone? Seeing old pictures makes you nostalgic and somewhat missing who you were? That's how I feel at the moment, cuz despite the dysphoria I was able to be somewhat stable and had it all. I don't hate the guy I see in the pictures, I have so much love for him and all that I accomplished looking like that.

To be honest I guess I never felt like that after I transitioned.  Looking at pictures of my old self just reminds me of all the years I lost that I could have been living as a woman.  I also see a sadness and an aloneness and an unfinished, unfitted, ill-fitting, out-of-place-ness.  Just writing this I am recalling images of old photographs that are deeply upsetting to me.  I can never get rid of the photographs that live in my head, but I can certainly keep the old ones in a drawer.

Imho, if you fear rejection, transition may not be for you...or maybe at a slower pace. Transition does not occur over night.

I learned a phrase long, long time ago from a sales presentation. This guy talked about rejection, and the fear you need to get over. His phrase that he always said before making a pitch: Rejection turns me on.

Lol

What do you think the real you looks like? Who/what is that?


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Quote from: Gertrude on August 25, 2017, 05:55:03 PM
What do you think the real you looks like? Who/what is that?


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The real me? I don't know. At this moment  I'm too afraid and depressed to make such a change... Being born with this problem in my head is one of the worst things to happen to me, I wish I was normal.


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Quote from: Charlie Nicki on August 26, 2017, 09:00:22 AM
The real me? I don't know. At this moment  I'm too afraid and depressed to make such a change... Being born with this problem in my head is one of the worst things to happen to me, I wish I was normal.

I've been working for the past 8 years to learn who the "Real" me is. It took a good year or so of hard work, a fantastic support group and some therapy to barely get a handle on that.

Fear and Rejection kept me from even trying for decades. We grow up wanting to please others, to gain the acceptance of our parents, family, and friends. Being trans we tend to be hyper-aware of what other's want or expect of us. Heaven forbid they see the monster lurking underneath.

I too face the reality of rejection from my wife. A woman who knew of my gender issues some 30 years now. The same woman who after I dropped the T-Bomb on a few years ago said time and time and time again "I did not marry a woman". I am reasonably sure if I do a full social transition she would leave. Perhaps not if I really really needed to, vs the generally most days want to. And she isn't the only thing I'd be putting at risk if do a full social transition.

Rejection is the reality of transitioning. When it comes, it sucks. Big Time. I have an ex-wife that cut and run after learning about me. I have an ex fiancee that was cool about it, until wedding date pressure mounted and finally broke because I wasn't a "Real Man".

The fact for me is, I NEEDED to do something about me being trans. Avoiding it every which way I could just wasn't working anymore. It was taking taking on the Trans-Beast, for real, or..... that Jersey barrier at 90 MPH guaranteed to vaporize the car I was driving, along with me.

Quote from: Charlie Nicki on August 26, 2017, 09:00:22 AM
The real me? I don't know. At this moment  I'm too afraid and depressed to make such a change... Being born with this problem in my head is one of the worst things to happen to me, I wish I was normal.


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I'm there with you, but you'll probably find, at some point, that the pain of inauthenticity is too much and who you are will become clearer. The other morning I got dressed as a woman like I was going to work. My wife asked if I was stressed. I told her that as Trudie, then and there, I feel like a human being. As the male façade, I feel like a fake, phony fraud. Wanting to be normal is pathologizing being trans because of shame.


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Quote from: Gertrude on August 26, 2017, 11:09:55 AM
I'm there with you, but you'll probably find, at some point, that the pain of inauthenticity is too much and who you are will become clearer. The other morning I got dressed as a woman like I was going to work. My wife asked if I was stressed. I told her that as Trudie, then and there, I feel like a human being. As the male façade, I feel like a fake, phony fraud. Wanting to be normal is pathologizing being trans because of shame.


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I know "normal" is the wrong word but I see it as a problem right now, that's why I said it. I'm in a bad moment where nothing seems right, going back to just being a man seems difficult now and moving forward seems difficult as well. I just have to choose which difficulty is less terrible for me. I'm in an emotional roller coaster and one minute I'm thinking I should stop my treatment and then the next minute I'm not sure if that's the best idea. I've thought about killing myself multiple times but the only thing stopping me is knowing I can't do this to my mother, she would be devastated, she doesn't deserve this.

Heck, I don't deserve this. I don't know why I have this in my head, I want it to go away.


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Quote from: Charlie Nicki on August 27, 2017, 06:32:00 AM
I'm in a bad moment where nothing seems right, going back to just being a man seems difficult now and moving forward seems difficult as well.

Losing someone who you gave your heart to in a breakup is a terrible thing and it takes a piece of  yourself.  It's going to take time and therapy and most of all hope.  I really am sorry you're feeling this way but I've definitely been there and the truth is it sucks worse that just about anything.

Quote from: Charlie Nicki on August 27, 2017, 06:32:00 AM
I know "normal" is the wrong word but I see it as a problem right now, that's why I said it. I'm in a bad moment where nothing seems right, going back to just being a man seems difficult now and moving forward seems difficult as well. I just have to choose which difficulty is less terrible for me. I'm in an emotional roller coaster and one minute I'm thinking I should stop my treatment and then the next minute I'm not sure if that's the best idea. I've thought about killing myself multiple times but the only thing stopping me is knowing I can't do this to my mother, she would be devastated, she doesn't deserve this.

Heck, I don't deserve this. I don't know why I have this in my head, I want it to go away.


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I've thought about self- termination with a 1911, but what stops me is the idea that they win. All the ignorant, mouth breathing, piles of excrement win. Why should I prove them right? If my life can be one instance against abusive social and even political authority, I win. We win.


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There's a great line in the first Matrix movie where Joe Pantaliano/Cypher betrays his peeps to agent Smith and talks about how he wishes he never took the red pill and had just stayed oblivious.  It makes me wonder if the Wachowski sisters had a deeper meaning when they included that in the film. 

I've been struggling with that a bunch- wishing i could go back to my denial days.  But I can't.  For me, i've concluded a big part of it is internalized transphobia.  And I'm working on accepting and loving myself as a transwoman that has to play a guy for a few more years.  It's hard sister!  But you're not alone :)

Quote from: Another Nikki on August 27, 2017, 09:19:34 PM
There's a great line in the first Matrix movie where Joe Pantaliano/Cypher betrays his peeps to agent Smith and talks about how he wishes he never took the red pill and had just stayed oblivious.  It makes me wonder if the Wachowski sisters had a deeper meaning when they included that in the film. 

I've been struggling with that a bunch- wishing i could go back to my denial days.  But I can't.  For me, i've concluded a big part of it is internalized transphobia.  And I'm working on accepting and loving myself as a transwoman that has to play a guy for a few more years.  It's hard sister!  But you're not alone :)

Wow, great catch about the Matrix! It does have a deeper meaning now that they transitioned.

I'm thinking about exploring other identities in the trans spectrum. I might be gender fluid/queer/androgynous however you wanna call it. Maybe I don't need to go all the way to transsexuality. Maybe I don't need HRT, just to explore new ways to feel more connected to my feminine side. I'm thinking to keep growing my hair, keep shaving my beard and dress a bit differently. I at least want to look less stereotypically masculine and a bit more androgynous.


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Quote from: Charlie Nicki on August 25, 2017, 11:19:02 AM
Just to clarify, I'm sure that even if went back, my boyfriend wouldn't return...And that isn't the reason why I'm considering this. It's just that this situation has showed me the possibility that rejection is real, and that it hurts, and that I'm having a hard time handling it. I was basically inside a bubble because these past 4 months coming out to everyone were pretty seamless, everyone was supportive so I felt strong and powerful, felt I was ready for it. But now that one my biggest supporters left I face reality and things aren't as easy and will not be as easy as I imagined. I fear losing my life and being depressed forever.

So does that happen for everyone? Seeing old pictures makes you nostalgic and somewhat missing who you were? That's how I feel at the moment, cuz despite the dysphoria I was able to be somewhat stable and had it all. I don't hate the guy I see in the pictures, I have so much love for him and all that I accomplished looking like that.

Miss Charlie Nicki,
When I read your into it looked like something I would have wrote at about 3 months in. The feeling you are having never goes away. I am sorry but it doesn't. It does lessen. And for some it is so low they don't feel it. But something like that likes to come back around when you are having a bad day. I still feel that way. I am a year into HRT and still feel it. I have not transitioned socially yet. Some may say that's a mistake. And my profile pic is my male self. So I see him everyday. Right now I am realizing that I am going to have to do something soon. As in coming out to people. My breast are still growing and I can't hide them very easily anymore.

When I tell some of the pain I have been thru before I started to transition you might think poor me. But it's more of a story that I have lost it all and rebuilt it all back up. Once again.

It comes back. If you don't give up it, you can come back from losing if you really lose that much. I shielded myself. I only have a SO and only just now starting to let people back in. I never let anybody back in. So I would not lose them. And that was a bad thing. I gave myself no chance for anybody to accept or reject me. Because I did not let anybody into my life to make that choice or not.

As for family. If half of them accept you, you will be better off than me. I already lost all but one. And he will probably say. He suspected. And will say he supports me. But we already never see each other. So meh. And that's before I started to transition.

Now I have all of my wife's family. That is where I go on holidays. And hearing some of their conversations. I am betting they will say they support me when they are actually think WTF. LOL

So to answer your question. My opinion. Stopping will be a mistake. I started and stopped for 2 years. Came back so bad I almost killed myself. My wife still has no clue how close I have come to actually doing it. She is one of those who thinks when someone says they want to die it's just words. I have it all.  If you want to call it that. I have a nice car to drive. A actual house to live in. Money coming in. A better than great wife. I'm starting to make friends again. 3 dogs. And I miss being the man I was. But my mind is working so much better that it ever has. I have normal ups and downs but the way I think is so much better. 3 months is way to soon to decide to stop. Unfortunately you have not given it enough time. I had not even got to my optimal levels at 3 months. I have never had a in real life supporter until now that I am making friends again. If you are basing all this on losing one person(your significant other) I think that will be a mistake. You have to expect it and fight for it not to happen. And if it does you knew it would happen. And if it does not then you scored. So far I have her still here. But it is starting to look like she will be gone by the end. And that means I lose everything again. But I am never going back to the dysphoria hell.
Look I'm babbling. I hope I helped


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Abolutely. I still think of my first wife forty years in the past. Not as much as I used to, now knowing why she left. It's hard to lose a loved one but then I thought, heck there are 5 billion people in the world, There has to be someone who can stand me well enough to put up with me. Well I found her and I am so blessed I did. Thirty five years, two kids and a Grandbaby later she still loves me. And I love her. Maybe more than ever.

Thank you Norma Lynne and Dawn for your words. I'm at peace with myself, and I'm going to continue down this road...I'm keeping a journal of my transition and reading the first entries made me remember why I decided to do this in the first place. As hard as it is, this is me, and I want the real me to come out. I want to be happy. I might lose some things, sure, but I'll gain others.

These 2 weeks were hell, but thank God it passed and I feel so so much better now. My ex is not coming back and honestly, I don't want him to. I feel better now and can think more clearly. I had some drinks last night and surprisingly it also helped me think better. I can't let a freaking breakup make me doubt about myself, especially since the relationship wasn't perfect in the first place and was bound to finish anyways for a bunch of other issues unrelated to transition, it was just a matter of time. I need to remember this so I don't doubt ever again that this is the best thing for me. And for him.

Hang in the babe. It's hard as hell. But we will prevail. Pm anytime. If you need to. That's why we are here.


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