Susan's Place Transgender Resources

At a group session last week we discussed the amount of worrying we all did for each "step we took" towards transition.  Coming out to the first person, first time walking out the door as you were meant to be, getting HRT prescription filled, first counseling/group session.... the list goes on.

Hi Denise,

So far everything I've taken on has been easier or better than expected.  I am blessed with a loving and supportive wife, which makes it all much easier, and I am blessed in many wonderful ways. I suppose that I tend toward anxious much of the time, so this is no surprise to me. 

Erin

Hi Denise,

  Until you asked me I never really gave it much thought. But it's true I was/am one of those that agonized over almost every big step I've taken except for  starting HRT when I first had the chance. For me that one step was a complete no brainer. I obtained then, opened the package and took them. And That was my very first step in transition. From it all my fearful nervous steps flow. Like confessing to my GP that I thought I was transgender and had started HRT on my own. I agonized for over a week on that one alone.
  So I would have to say I have spent months by now and that does not included any of the times  spent
pre-transition.

Hugs,
   Laurie

I spend a LOT of energy worrying. Especially this week, I didn't really worry much before but breaking up with my boyfriend left me without my safe place. I'm afraid of the future now. I am basically asking myself if this is right all the time. There's a small voice inside telling me not to quit but I still worry and wonder.


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off topic but how do i make posts? I am completely new and have no idea what i am doing

Enormous amounts,  literally months if not years. I've posted a time line infographic on this site,  more than 2.5 years between contacting a therapist and starting HRT; most of that worrying!

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Quote from: Girlbehindthemaske on August 27, 2017, 03:11:48 AM
off topic but how do i make posts? I am completely new and have no idea what i am doing

Dear Girlbehindthemaske

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I've agonized over three actions only.

In order of degree of wasted agony:

1. Telling my GP I'm transgender. I was so stressed over it. I didn't sleep the night before and all day before the appointment I tried to think of a way to tell her. It was tough telling her. No idea why. I went red in the face out of embarrassment. What a waste of my energies. The effect was that we finally bonded; I always felt distant from her and couldn't really relate comfortably, even though I trusted her has a doctor ( and, indeed, as a friend). It brought us closer together. Maybe because I had revealed my deepest secret to her and she realized that.

2. The psychologist, but not too much. I knew that she would not be judgmental.

3. My hormone specialist: I didn't want to tell my story to her from the beginning so I hoped that she wouldn't ask me too many question after I handed her my psychologist's letter. She didn't ask me much at all. Great relief!

For me it was the decision to transition, I agonised over this for what seemed like an eternity. It was something I had always said I had wanted and when the opportunity was finally here I found myself hesitant...part of it was that I never expected it to be a reality and when it did it took my breath away.

With hindsight like Liz, I guess the most poignant worrying was over the GCS decision -- witness my long winded post that started with committing to that path! I've realized over the last two weeks just how telling a lot of little things were essentially screaming that I would certainly be happier with a vagina than with what came before. I did truly worry that decision to death, questioning from a dozen different angles and feeling the difficulty of separating this things in any analytic sense (making what I saw as a multivariate problem with hundreds of possible interactions).

Like Laurie, the one step I didn't even question was HRT. I worried rightfully about my partner's reaction to that choice but not at all about the effect it would have. I guess the as I crossed the 2-3 months in HRT point where changes start to have some permanence, it crossed my mind that I'd crossed a Rubicon but really that wasn't worry about the HRT, rather about what would come after.

Lastly, I think it's fair to characterize the many years of depression as generalized worry. Depression is clinically very closely related to anxiety.

So my answer to your poll is omg way too much, however I think it's pretty fair to allow myself that getting to the decision had to happen and letting go of my analytical bent wasn't possible and I surely wouldn't have wanted to go for surgery without the certainty I took into the Dr Wittenberg's skilled and comforting hands.

Hugs everyone, it's water under the bridge now :-)

So... How much energy was there at the creation of the universe?  Ever wonder where most of it went?  I don't.

The biggies I sweated over were
1) Telling my wife, bff, soul-mate & Reality-Therapist of over 30 years.... "You know that Just a CD" thing?  Well, things have changed a bit" after my 3rd ever TG Support group meeting when I knew absolutely I NEEDED to be there

2) A year or so later about after a 30 or so year internment, allowing Joanne to once again take a step outside into the real world to the therapist.

3) Amazingly freaked out over wanting/needing to go legit with my HRT. The high level of anxiety as the weeks passed while the permission slip from my therapist made it's way up & down the food chain at her group. That was followed by setting up and actually going to the Doc. Which was then followed by by the instant of shock & terror when he asked if it was OK to put me down as a Transgender Female!!!  Well I did want to go legit.....

4) The only valid(?) one which seems to be growing exponentially in intensity as the weeks pass.. Do I Need to transition, or just want to?

My biggest worries were about coming out to my wife and going full-time. 

I agonized for months before coming out to my wife.  I had reason to hope that she would be accepting, but you just never know until you do it.  I worried about what would become of me if she was not accepting, or what would become of me if I stayed in the closet.  When I finally did it, she was accepting, and I realized I had been worried for nothing.

When I was preparing to go full-time, I had a deadline in mind, but I still had a lot of fears about how strangers would treat me.  I scheduled an appointment with my therapist to talk about it.  She suggested I could schedule several more appointments to investigate my fears.  Well, I got home and looked at my calendar and realized I was going to be coming out in three weeks, and my therapist books appointments three weeks ahead.  At that point, I decided that there was no way in hell that I was not coming out on schedule, and my fears disappeared. 

And the strangers I have met as myself have all been fine.  Fortunately, I live in Canada, where most people are nice.  I realize that I am lucky that way.

So, yes, I worried way more than I needed to.

First couple years, I fretted over every aspect of transition. I had excuses a mile long, and criticized myself at every opportunity. For some reason by year 3, it was like a light switch went on, but every thing I worried about was no longer a worry. I just realized one day that those things were in my head.

Quote from: Charlie Nicki on August 27, 2017, 02:56:41 AM
... left me without my safe place. ...

This is where I'm at today.  I've been married to my wife for 32 years.  We were married right out of college.  I've never lived alone (Do the math, I'm old!)  That worries me but... I guess in some sense I've lived alone for almost a year anyway.  Two people living in the same house does not constitute living together.

Quote from: JoanneB on August 27, 2017, 06:06:22 AM
...
4) The only valid(?) one which seems to be growing exponentially in intensity as the weeks pass.. Do I Need to transition, or just want to?

This is where I STARTED.  Did I need to transition or just a wish.  Let me tell you - that answer came ROARING to reality when I stopped E and the T came charging back.  I almost lost everything in a matter of a month (Wife, Job, Friends, Life).  That's how I found out that my "wish" was to survive and live not so much to transition.  Transitioning was a bonus but knowing that my choice was total and complete mental breakdown or the possibility to be extremely happy the "choice" was easy.

I have more worries about work than family as I live far from them and hardly ever see them. I work in a place that has protections and is liberal in general, but the group I'm in is all men and two people on my team are born agains. I kind of would like to get a position somewhere else at work where I can start over. I don't know if that makes sense.


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Quote from: Gertrude on August 27, 2017, 07:40:57 AM
I have more worries about work than family as I live far from them and hardly ever see them. I work in a place that has protections and is liberal in general, but the group I'm in is all men and two people on my team are born agains. I kind of would like to get a position somewhere else at work where I can start over. I don't know if that makes sense.

Make sense?  OH YEAH!  Being in a bad position 40-60 hours per week is not healthy nor fun.

Not that much, compared to some, but I did have concerns about my relationship that I shouldn't have bothered worrying about. I accepted it will change and I wasn't kicked to the curb, so that was pointless.

Not done with transition yet though, there may turn out to be things I worry about that turn out to be real problems.

I shared some of what you guys have said. I worried about coming out as trans, telling my dr in 2014 and the gender threrapist in 2015  too, even though they were there to help. I never worried or doubted going onto HRT, that like other said was a no-brainer. Also, the laser hair removal that I had (only a few sessions when I had the money) was also a no-brainer, it was so nice to see hairless patches knowing my face would one day look like that all over.

I guess I only ever worried about un-forseen future doubts arise and worried that I wasnt trans enough. The process itself such as HRT and Hair removal and their effects are all natural for me, the surgery gives me some worry as idk what to expect, though I still want it

Only about six decades worth of worry and denial but nothing and no one has stopped me since finally coming out January 1, 2013.  Lots to now savor and few regrets.

I guess that I need to break this worry or anxiety into three different groups.

First, realizing or deciding that I was/am transgender and may have to break my promise to my partner about staying in control and not changing more than our set boundaries. That was a tough one and almost took my life.

Second, approaching and taking each successive step in the journey; planning on going out, hrt, part and then full time, srs.......each one of these were a done deal even before I realized that they were a possibility..no anxiety or worry, just get out of my way I'm coming through.

Third, social or public vulnerability, going out for the first time, my partner had to have her foot on my backside pushing me out of the door....ultra high anxiety. Or next Tuesday when I will fly down to Texas for electrolysis. Facing the judgement of TSA, fellow passengers etc dressed in an nice skirt and top and wearing a 5 day growth of facial fur....this has me worrying for days and the anxiety is palpable even though I have flown several times with no problems. For this reason I posted OMG, way too much!

I spend a lot of time worrying, and I haven't even started. Mostly I worry about the reaction I'll get from what little family I still associate with.

Quote from: Girlbehindthemaske on August 27, 2017, 03:11:48 AM
off topic but how do i make posts? I am completely new and have no idea what i am doing

Hey girl,

Welcome to the site.

It's not too hard. When you get to the category you want, click on the New Topic button at the top of all the topics. Create a name and your message. Away you go.

Good luck and welcome to Susans.

With warmth,

Jacqui

The main thing I have concerns about is that I predict we're going to see attitudes in the West swing over to the more conservative in the not too distant future. The implications of that for trans people seems easy to guess at - no more acceptance of it in schools, less resources devoted to treatment, less acceptance in general. And that would be in a best-case scenario I imagine.

I could be wrong, but I'd rather not be caught off guard. So I'm going to be extremely careful in terms of presentation and keeping these aspects as private as possible. I might look into getting my medical records taken off the open database here in the UK and the gender changed fully on all of those, a full name and gender change on all documents ASAP, although I wonder of the safety and utility of getting a gender recognition certificate issued by the state. Might be more beneficial to fly under the radar on that one.

Yeah, I'm a little paranoid about privacy and keeping the trans thing under wraps. If attitudes do change they could change very quickly if political upheaval takes place. So far I think a lot of people are tolerating us because they have to, but that doesn't mean if the wind shifts they won't just as quickly turn on us.

How much? Too much. Much, much too much.