Susan's Place Transgender Resources

I was about 11 or 12 and I knew that somehow, someday the evil twins would be gone, that they just didn't belong there. Back then (late 50's early 60's) there was zero talk of or info on gender issues. I knew I was a boy but had no clue that I wasn't the only one like me or that any changes could be made, I was a boy but . . . Not really. It was another 10 - 12 years before Christine Jorgensen's book came out before I had any realization that it wasn't just me. Still I knew without doubt that both the evil twins would one day be gone and I would have breasts. I had no idea how that could be, I just knew. Little did I know that it would be 50 years before I started making progress. A lifetime depressed and mostly alone. There is light at the end of the tunnel though.

Early this year I finally got a good therapist and a wonderful MD and hormones. I then added a great Phycologist and now have three letters for the surgeon, I initially thought I would be scheduled for my orchi in early June but it didn't happen. On August 16th I finally got a date for surgery, September 26th. Right now hours seem like days and days seem like weeks.

The reason for my rambling here is that as I've read numerous posts here and on other sites I've noticed quite a variation among MTF individuals, some it seems the most important thing is do they pass when dressed, others have different priorities. With me it's the evil twins, always has been but I've seen little written about the importance of the orchi. HRT is incredibly important to me but I would rate it as 75% orchi and 25% HRT. With the HRT the better the top gets the worse the bottom is.

As the title of the thread says - Is it just me? Am I the only one that puts this much importance on the orchi?

I never considered having that. The testosterone blockers and estrogen counteract any effects the testes generate so I don't see the use. For me looking female and passing was the most important thing to me. Yes I really want SRS and I'm having it in 2018 . To me SRS is like the last step. I will be able to have sex the way I want to and it will be wonderful to be fully female but most people don't see what's between your legs so for me having a fully female appearance was the most important thing to do first. Not the actual SRS.

Quite doubtful I will ever get to SRS. The orchi is 8 days before my 69th birthday and I am right now just about a light year from passing in public. If enough years with HRT could give me enough feminization I would be closer to 80. Reality forces me to look for relief, improvement in what is possible, what is realistic. The worst part for me has always been the evil twins, being relieved of them is far more important to me than what I look like. (good thing actually) They are and have been a lifetime nightmare. The very root of and symbol of the problem.

So the question still is . . . Is it just me? Am I the only one that puts this much importance on the orchi?

I am grateful I had the orchi. I do not need T blockers, and don't have to worry about the evil twins doing anything I don't want to happen. I will probably never get SRS because of my finances, but at least the evil twins do not exist.

I believe the answer is no. You are not the only one. Everyone has their priorities, and everyone walks al different path. I know a few androgynes that wanted their testes removed, maybe a bit of estrogen, but not much else.

I'm not getting the orchi. If I ever have something cut, it will be both the pillar and the rocks. For aesthetical and comfort reasons. When will that happen? I don't know. Probably not soon.

Quote from: Chris8080 on August 29, 2017, 02:24:51 PMAs the title of the thread says - Is it just me? Am I the only one that puts this much importance on the orchi?

Your not the only one. Accompanied a good friend, inactive member here, who now has her 'jewels' in a glass jar atop the refrigerator. ;) Us being 'older' personally I do not see the need. After years of the correct anti-A and persistant tucking 'junk' has diminished in size to point barely noticable but understand the discomfort for some . . .

Like stated above 'passing', living an authentic life would be more important to me than physical procedures that accomplish little really when can attain same end 'chemically'. (I positively avoid doctors, hate the 'medical establishment'!) Everyone is different, her 'ex' says 'it's the aspergers'.

Chris8080,

You have just brought up a very significant concern of many older transitioners. I am 68 years old and I had my surgery 18 months ago. Anybody over the age of 60 must have near perfect health in order to even get surgery. I was advised that since I am not really interested in penetrative sexual intercourse, that maybe a cosmetic procedure would be more appropriate.  This would include an orchectomy and penectomy, along with external labia, but no vaginal canal.

Since I am in otherwise excellent health, I opted for the regular GCS. Call me weird, but just having a vagina is mentally gender confirming. To me, whether or not I use my vagina as intended is not the main point. I became as close as I can possibly be, with today's technology, to being a woman. For me my desire to change gender is all about being and less about appearance.

Yes, I am working on my appearance, but it is not the main issue.

The main issue is what I am. I am a woman.

Thanks for the replies ladies. I can relate to what your saying Dani, thanks for your comments. I am pretty much a realist and learned many years ago that you will drive yourself nuts dreaming of and wishing for something can never happen. Passing in public is such a thing for me as is a vagina. Just never gonna happen. That's not to say that significant improvements can't be made. HRT is an indescribable improvement and I have no doubt the orchie will equal the hormones in both mental and physical comfort. After the surgery the realist in me will kick in and given my age I will have done and achieved most of what is realistic to expect. The orchie on the 26th is a lifelong dream finally coming true. My game plan after the surgery considering I will have achieved everything that seems realistic to expect at this point in my life is just sit back, enjoy the progress and improvement and take it one day at a time and see what the next year or two brings.

I can relate. At 11 I began thinking about how much I wanted them gone. I grew up on a farm so you can imagine where my mind went. I seriously planned out the supplies to do it. Fortunately I never tried, but it was a very serious thought more than a few times. A few years down the line I just convinced myself that it didn't matter what my brain was telling me, I was born a boy and just had to deal. I remember telling myself that I wasn't one of the people who were going to have a happy life and that I just needed to be satisfied existing until I died someday. Crazy huh?

Hi Chris,

  For myself I have briefly entertained the thought of having an orchi then I regulated to the dark depths of my mind where I put things I'm not quite ready to face. It has lots of company there with such items as a legal change of my name and GCS. I have not ruled any of them out but I am not yet ready to think of moving forward on them seriously.
For now I'm doing electrolysis, living full time, thinking of shopping for a better wig because my doctors says it my only viable option, feeling sorry for myself, wondering what the heck I'm doing yet again. in reality I am procrastinating as usual. I'm pretty good at that last one.

Hugs,
   Laurie

Quote from: Laurie on September 01, 2017, 12:40:07 PM
... feeling sorry for myself, wondering what the heck I'm doing yet again. in reality I am procrastinating as usual. I'm pretty good at that last one.

Hugs,
   Laurie

Same here. I procrastinated for 50 years.

Just think of it. That is half a century!  :o  :-\  :-X  :P

I don't think I procrastinated, there has been huge changes in recent years in quality legitimate help for the gender community, help that was either unavailable or quite poor or just plain ungodly expensive until recently. When I finally found a good counselor I jumped all over it and have followed through with everything possible since. Had the counseling and medical help been available to me a few decades ago there can't be any doubt I would have had a far better life with far less depression and feeling of hopelessness. Time has run out for me, the changes I would love to see do not happen overnight, by the time I could possibly realize those changes just think, I could be the hottest 80 year old great grandmother around. I'm not complaining though, even though I'll never get where I would like to get things right now are far, far better than for several decades I thought possible and it can only improve from here. Best of all for me is that 576 hours from right now (24 days) the evil twins will be gone. Forever. Hormones are a wonderful piece of mind and so comforting. My mind is firmly planted in the now and not on what might have been. Life is good, better than I ever thought possible. If only I could find a way for the next 24 days to pass a little faster.

I'm in the same epoch as you but more of a Z80 advocate.  I've been on full dose HRT plus an AA for about 8 years now. All through life the dangly bits and I got along. I never had any sort of genital dysphoria. In fact the danglies and I have had some great times together. I knew from about the age of 4 I wanted to be a girl. Growing up in the 50's-60's that was never going to happen. Having GCS was never high on any wish list. At 6 ft tall, big everything. Actually everything antithetical to being female, my life long dream was always being seen as and accepted as a woman.

For whatever reason, or reasons, the past few months on top of my normal body image issues, I have a new found genital dysphoria. After 8 years on HRT the "evil twins" are mostly a memory. Yet, GCS or maybe even a orchi, sounds like a nice idea lately. Not as nice as a BA, but almost as. Maybe the same as for GCS, thanks to this latest development and decent development up top

Quote from: Kiera on August 30, 2017, 04:40:15 AMAccompanied a good friend, inactive member here, who now has her 'jewels' in a glass jar atop the refrigerator. ;)

I've been rolling this around in my head the last few days. That's something I cannot relate to and shows how different we all are. A glass jar on the fridge? I would never go in the kitchen again. :o I am completely repulsed by them and the only way I would enjoy seeing them would be to see them dumped into a garbage disposal. Preferably after they are no longer attached.  ::)

Quote from: Chris8080 on September 06, 2017, 08:07:49 AM
I've been rolling this around in my head the last few days. That's something I cannot relate to and shows how different we all are. A glass jar on the fridge? I would never go in the kitchen again. :o I am completely repulsed by them and the only way I would enjoy seeing them would be to see them dumped into a garbage disposal. Preferably after they are no longer attached.  ::)

Completely agree with you.  For me it'd be like displaying my pillows in a clear bin on the kitchen.  I hate them... wouldn't be able to look at them.  But that person probably sees it as something to be proud of.  And really it is. You've gone and said 'Hey, I'm taking my life by the balls (literally lol) and saying screw you body.'

But back to original post... I'm other side of the spectrum.  I feel like for me though its the same. I need the hysto and the mastectomy more than HRT and looking the part.  I need the things that make me 'function' like a girl gone or I may not get through this.  Some FTMs are good with keeping their insides but me, nope. That's the biggest factor into my dysphoria more than anything, followed by my pillows. Hysto is like 50%, Chest like 25%, and the rest falls into the last 25%.

Thanks for your reply Rowena, I truly appreciate it. I would love to sit down over a pot of coffee with a FTM sometime, I think it would be both fascinating and educational. It's one of those things that twist my mind into knots. I completely understand that FTM is every bit as real as MTF but the idea of such a need to give up what I have a lifetime craving. ??? Yep, I fully understand that I am doing the same thing but.  ??? Yikes. Hating the pillows is  ??? They are so wonderful and better by the month but then for me they are so far the one natural normal thing about me and the opposite of course is true for FTM. I think it would be a fascinating conversation.

Quote from: Chris8080 on September 09, 2017, 08:00:17 AM
Thanks for your reply Rowena, I truly appreciate it. I would love to sit down over a pot of coffee with a FTM sometime, I think it would be both fascinating and educational. It's one of those things that twist my mind into knots. I completely understand that FTM is every bit as real as MTF but the idea of such a need to give up what I have a lifetime craving. ??? Yep, I fully understand that I am doing the same thing but.  ??? Yikes. Hating the pillows is  ??? They are so wonderful and better by the month but then for me they are so far the one natural normal thing about me and the opposite of course is true for FTM. I think it would be a fascinating conversation.

Haha I hear ya.  Sometimes its absolutely mind boggling to hear people wanting to give up the parts that make them 'functionally' male. I'm like I'd kill to have your groin and man chest (Okay well not LITERALLY kill).  And then I start thinking, 'Too bad transplanting these things isn't exactly a viable option. I'd totally gift someone my pillows.'  (I wouldn't gift anyone my internal reproductive organs though... those are screwed up like no one's business so I wouldn't wish that plague on anyone)

I'd trade if it was possible. yes, I would.

Hugs,
   Laurie

The idea of an orchi is tempting, as it would be about $14k cheaper than SRS and I'm not sentimental about spermatoza at all, and it would really crank up the feminizing effects.  Unsightly bulges are kind of annoying but one can tuck, and I'm not worked up about having to have a vagina ASAP for some reason.  For now, anyway, maybe with time that will become more of an imperative.

$14k, $10k, $5k cheaper anyway.  The estimates I've seen vary from $1.5k to $5k USD.  I'd have it done outpatient with just a local, being awake wouldn't faze me, and I only earn minimum wage.

An orchiectomy is now my main transgender ambition.  For reasons mentioned in another post, full SRS was not an option for me in the past, and because of where I live, my financial situation and my age, it would not be feasible now, even if I were desperate for it.  Free SRS is theoretically possible here, but only after years of gruelling psychoanalysis, and even some life saving healthcare is rationed for older people.  I'm sure that the attitude here would be "if you haven't killed yourself after all this time, live with it!"  I also think that there is more point in having full SRS when you are young (no offence to the brave and vivacious ladies who have succeeded in having full SRS later in life).

I did look into having an orchiectomy, and possibly even a penectomy, by a surgeon who only requires informed consent, and I read Monika1223's posts  on the subject.  However, do as I say, NOT as I do, as that path is fraught with both physical and psychological danger.  I hope that Monika is still happy with her decision, as she hasn't posted for a long time.

I'm sure that my testicles don't even work anymore (age is a great T-blocker, you youngsters should try it sometime).  However, having them removed, along with the unsightly scrotum that is several times too big for them, would be a major psychological victory over my worst enemy.  I hate my penis too, but penectomies are more complex and expensive than orchiectomies.  Besides, I see some advantage in not having to sit on a dirty toilet seat every time I want to pee when I am out shopping.  In any case, my penis, always small, is now so shrivelled that I can push it right back into my body (how's that for tucking?).

Before I was eight years old, looking pretty was my only goal, as I didn't know that girls had different privates to boys.  I would still love to be pretty, and I still spend some time dreaming in front of a mirror, but I accept that even the looks of cisgender women don't always improve over time.  Anyway, an ugly woman is still a woman.  When asked why he sculpted, in general, ugly women, Rodin is said to have replied "because, Madame, women in general are ugly!"  (I think that it may be apocryphal, as the story has also been attributed to Degas.) 

Passing as a woman was once important to me (to my mother's chagrin) but I no longer try.  Still, it is nice when men occasionally (probably while distracted by something else) address me as "dear".  About 15 years ago, while I was wearing male clothes, a man walked up and hugged me in the street, and walked away in shock saying "I thought it was a woman" (I think that my stubble may have given me away).  However, he was intoxicated, and not by my beauty.  Quite recently, a beggar hugged and kissed me on both cheeks after I gave him a small amount of money, but he was probably just grateful.  (It felt strangely nice, though, even though he would not be my first choice as Prince Charming.)  I would have pushed him away but I had to keep both arms over my pockets in case he tried to pick them (that's my story and I'm sticking to it).

So, I might not be pretty and I might never have SRS, but to paraphrase the cowboys, "I don't want to die with my balls on".

One of my worst fears is that I will die in a flaming car crash or something, not that I would die but that they wouldn't know any better and bury me with those things.

Very fortunate for me that looking the part hasn't ever been a major thing. Six foot three and totally male looking from head to toe. I look more like an NFL linebacker except I'm really not wearing the shoulder pads. If I wasn't at all over weight I would be right at 225 pounds. If a major part of my dysphoria was passing in public I would most certainly be in deep doo doo. Even if 10 years on high dose HRT could give me a reasonable level of feminization I would be looking right at my 80th birthday. Ya just don't see very many sexy, femme 80 year olds. For me it's simply not how I look but rather how I feel, very fortunate I think. For me the very worst part of how I feel is the evil twins. 16 more days and that problem will be solved. Finally, only waited 60 years for the 26th of this month. The HRT is a tremendous mental and physical comfort and breasts are completely natural, normal, right feeling. Nope, I'll never be "right" but soon I won't be nearly so "WRONG".

Quote from: Chris8080 on September 10, 2017, 07:54:29 AM
... Ya just don't see very many sexy, femme 80 year olds.

If I had a dollar for every time my wife said "No One in their right mind WANTS to be a 50 y/o woman"

QuoteFor me it's simply not how I look but rather how I feel, very fortunate I think.

My wife has pretty much stopped saying the above after a few years. She has seen I wasn't in my right mind before I went on this path. Now I am a much better person, not just to myself, but for her too

Your very fortunate to have somebody with you that sticks with you Joanne. Going it alone isn't hardly ideal but it is what it is I guess.