Community Conversation => Transitioning => Coming out of the closet => Topic started by: OutsideMe on September 08, 2017, 09:12:57 PM Return to Full Version
Title: My wife found me out.
Post by: OutsideMe on September 08, 2017, 09:12:57 PM
Post by: OutsideMe on September 08, 2017, 09:12:57 PM
A couple of weeks ago I come how from work and can tell my wife has something on her mind. We eat dinner, hang out as a family and put my (2yo) daughter to bed. Then, "we need to talk".
Now, I have been seeing a therapist for about 6 maybe 7 months. I have been trying to build up the courage and pick the right timing to tell her. I have written her a letter, a little of a rough draft, but the basics are there. I just can't seem to get it out.
She asks me, "is there something you need to tell me?" I just come out and say it. "For years I have been fighting this"... "I have been trying to find the right words"... "let me read this letter I wrote".
After a bunch of tears, on both sides of the couch we start to get out real words. She is happy I am seeing a therapist. And asks about transistioning. She has had a couple transgender coworkers. She tells me she fully supports me. I tell her she can tell her best friend, but no one else. She agrees.
Now, after the first week we talk about it again. She has been reading SO forums and blogs. She relates to them. She tells me she doe not want to be with a woman. Has no interest in it. And that she is in mourning for loosing her husband. She is loosing sleep and tells me she cant focus at work.
After the second week things get a little better. She enjoys me being more open, but still has a little break down. But at the end of the weeks asks to see me clothes.
Now, in the third week, I am sitting here dressed waiting for her to come home. I warned her first though. I know it will still be a shock.
Now, I have been seeing a therapist for about 6 maybe 7 months. I have been trying to build up the courage and pick the right timing to tell her. I have written her a letter, a little of a rough draft, but the basics are there. I just can't seem to get it out.
She asks me, "is there something you need to tell me?" I just come out and say it. "For years I have been fighting this"... "I have been trying to find the right words"... "let me read this letter I wrote".
After a bunch of tears, on both sides of the couch we start to get out real words. She is happy I am seeing a therapist. And asks about transistioning. She has had a couple transgender coworkers. She tells me she fully supports me. I tell her she can tell her best friend, but no one else. She agrees.
Now, after the first week we talk about it again. She has been reading SO forums and blogs. She relates to them. She tells me she doe not want to be with a woman. Has no interest in it. And that she is in mourning for loosing her husband. She is loosing sleep and tells me she cant focus at work.
After the second week things get a little better. She enjoys me being more open, but still has a little break down. But at the end of the weeks asks to see me clothes.
Now, in the third week, I am sitting here dressed waiting for her to come home. I warned her first though. I know it will still be a shock.
Title: Re: My wife found me out.
Post by: elkie-t on September 08, 2017, 09:18:04 PM
Post by: elkie-t on September 08, 2017, 09:18:04 PM
You're on a good path, it'll be ok. Lots of ups and downs, but it will be ok. Enjoy the ride :)
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Title: Re: My wife found me out.
Post by: Laurie on September 09, 2017, 01:28:31 AM
Post by: Laurie on September 09, 2017, 01:28:31 AM
Hi Outsideme,
I hope everything turned out okay. It is a good thing you two are talking and that you are getting help. It is hard if not impossible to go it alone. Slow and easy is the thing to do and work with your therapist to formulate possibilities. If your wife is willing she might benefit from going with you to a session if your therapist thinks it might help.
What ever you do I wish you good luck with it.
Hugs,
Laurie
I hope everything turned out okay. It is a good thing you two are talking and that you are getting help. It is hard if not impossible to go it alone. Slow and easy is the thing to do and work with your therapist to formulate possibilities. If your wife is willing she might benefit from going with you to a session if your therapist thinks it might help.
What ever you do I wish you good luck with it.
Hugs,
Laurie
Title: Re: My wife found me out.
Post by: OutsideMe on September 09, 2017, 06:04:37 AM
Post by: OutsideMe on September 09, 2017, 06:04:37 AM
Thank you,
When she got home last night we talked some more. She complimented my appearance (which felt amazing). And then asked if I was already on HRT because my arms looked thinner.
Things have been rocky between us for a little while now. We both feel like we are heading towards separating. She has a very strong support system in her family.
I just need to find mine.
When she got home last night we talked some more. She complimented my appearance (which felt amazing). And then asked if I was already on HRT because my arms looked thinner.
Things have been rocky between us for a little while now. We both feel like we are heading towards separating. She has a very strong support system in her family.
I just need to find mine.
Title: Re: My wife found me out.
Post by: Megan. on September 09, 2017, 07:23:39 AM
Post by: Megan. on September 09, 2017, 07:23:39 AM
Whatever the future holds for the two of you, there's a great bunch of people here for you. X
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Title: Re: My wife found me out.
Post by: Kendra on September 09, 2017, 10:51:20 AM
Post by: Kendra on September 09, 2017, 10:51:20 AM
I think you did the right thing answering your wife's question directly, and even with preparation that required a lot of courage. Sometimes the best answer isn't the easiest but it is the best.
Your wife has already responded far better than she could have. Whether you remain married or as close friends she is a great person to have on your side. I agree with Laurie suggesting your wife meet your therapist, or at least offer that to her.
You might want to pick up the book "She's Not There" (https://www.amazon.com/Shes-Not-There-Life-Genders/dp/0385346972) by Jennifer Finney Boylan. Her wife went through a period of shock and adjustment at at time they were raising young children and they remained together. This particular book is not clinical - it's a mixture of humurous and serious - very well written.
Your wife has already responded far better than she could have. Whether you remain married or as close friends she is a great person to have on your side. I agree with Laurie suggesting your wife meet your therapist, or at least offer that to her.
You might want to pick up the book "She's Not There" (https://www.amazon.com/Shes-Not-There-Life-Genders/dp/0385346972) by Jennifer Finney Boylan. Her wife went through a period of shock and adjustment at at time they were raising young children and they remained together. This particular book is not clinical - it's a mixture of humurous and serious - very well written.