Susan's Place Transgender Resources

where should i go to talk to someone online

Big hug! We're here if you need to talk. If youre overwhelmed please call one of the hotlines.

Hugs, Devlyn

Thank you. I am on a phone without service and chat does not work on it

So what's going on?

i am thinking of doing something to myself. i am not out. i have issues ive been thinking over for days.

Are you a cutter? You can tell us about your issues, most of us face the same demons.

Hugs, Devlyn

I have not ever self harmed. Ive thought about cutting myself I think some times. Ive looked at knives in the kitchen and held them.

We understand that outlet. The end game is to love yourself and not try to harm yourself. There are ways of coping that won't leave permanent scars: Hold an ice cube, cayenne on the tongue, a snapfrom a rubber band on your wrist...

Hugs, Devlyn

Thank you for that suggestion. I had a friend once that did this.  I never thought if this was what I needed to do. I am worried though if I might be suicidal.

Oh honey, this can make anyone feel that way. I'm relatively clean of dark thoughts, but they still come from time to time. We build success stories here, you're going to be one of them.  :)

Hugs, Devlyn

Its hard for me to express or understand myself. Im very confused about how to place myself in the world. I know how I feel inside and what I want. Ive consumed myself in thoughts for the past week. Its been building up.

Yup, welcome aboard!  ;D

Knowing who you are and what you want is almost all the uphill work. Everything else is just details and logistics.

So tell us, how DO you feel about yourself, if you're comfortable sharing that with us.

Hugs, Devlyn

Hello Jamie!  Please don't feel alone - I also have and it turns out there's a huge number of us.  You, me, Devlyn, and thousands here on Susan's.

I can understand your concern in how to place yourself in the world.  Another way to think of this is - I started to realize I don't have to fit so well that I'd become invisible or boring. So I change just enough things to get around but don't try to fit perfectly.  By being different we are each changing the world just a little bit. 

I hope you can feel better.

Thank you Kendra. You replied as I was typing this: Im not sure exactly how to piece together who I am actually or if I can be authenticly myself. I know in the case of gender I am female and Ive wanted to live that way since childhood. And I dont feel comfortable to divulge some other things with anyone. I feel my sense of self has weakened if that makes sense. I did come out to one friend and I told her I was transgender. She supported me but she died soon after.



As youve said Kendra I thought of accepting myself as different when I was a bit younger but I feared it then. And time kept going.

Hi hun,  have a big hug from me X.
I can only repeat what Devlyn said,  many of us go through dark times (I certainly did),  but they really can get better.
We're here for you,  but working with professional services can be a great start to realising and becoming whoever or whatever you need to be to find happiness.

Sent from my MI 5s using Tapatalk

Figuring out who I was took me a long time (2 years!),  don't pressure yourself to figuring it all out at the start. Explore,  experiment and reflect,  in time some clarity will come. X

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I am unsure where to begin or how to access proper professional services. Or have overlooked them. Its taken me many years in between understanding I was a female to understanding that I was a transgender female. In the past Ive desired transition and had discomfort with my body since childhood.

I have been going over in my head and through internet self diagnosis that I am not well developed mentally and have severe social anxieties. I have been a shut in and neglectful of my needs at times.

Thank you for this support. It is comforting for now.

I was living like a hermit. I started presenting as myself and a prince of a man pulled me out from under the rock and made me face the bright sunlight.

For sure, we face a lot of common issues. And we're here to comfort you because someone was there to comfort us when we joined the site. What comes around goes around.  :)

Hugs, Devlyn

Hi Jamie,

  As Devlyn, Megan, and Kendra have said, you are not alone here. Nor are you alone with your problems. I am Just emerging from a dark spot myself. We all have out problems and our low points. We all need a helping hand even if that hand is a virtual one. Your best best though is to contact a crisis hotline or professional services for help. We help as we can to support others here online but sometime you need more personalized help.
  Telling us more about yourself and your desires might help. Sometime reaching out to another will help us get out of our own head and into a better place. It is hard to wallow in self when helping someone else.

Hugs,
  Laurie

That is a nice story. Personally men make me uncomfortable though Id like to think I keep options open. I did begin developing deeper relationship with my female friend that I came out to and I felt her trying to push me out of my self absorbed lifestyle. But she fell into a coma. Since then I have recieved offers from men over the internet and I did feel as myself by playing online games but unable to create bonds with people.

I am very uptight. I think the idea of experimenting makes me unconfortable for some reason. I know I am lacking many life experiences because of my discomforts. I also worry about not being self dependent and having low self esteem may impact a relationship with others.

It's good to share your feelings. Letting the walls down can be scary, but there's no need for that when you're among friends. I need to take a nap, but I'm going to check back here later.

Hugs, Devlyn

Thank you all again. Im not sure what its going to take for me to be myself more openly and trust people to build connections with them. I only know that I am not comfortable and not accepting my current life or way I see myself outwardly.

When I found myself in a very similar place,  I was lucky to find a local therapist who already had a little Trans* experience,  and who had a vast amount of patience to help me address and answer those questions.

Sent from my MI 5s using Tapatalk

Jinst, I've been away for a few days. "Having Issues"  Welcome to the club.  The REALLY hard part is sorting out where on the "trans"spectrum" you are... TODAY.

After 8 years of trying to figure that out for myself.... I kind of sort of have an inking. Total commitment? HELL NO

JoanneB, Ive kind of stuck myself more on thinking of the past and what should have happened. I know this must be unhealthy.

Quote from: jinst138 on September 10, 2017, 06:36:43 AM
JoanneB, Ive kind of stuck myself more on thinking of the past and what should have happened. I know this must be unhealthy.

It's not unhealthy, it's a natural part of the process. It can take a long time to get all your thoughts in line and move towards your goals.

Hugs, Devlyn

no matter what is done people wont understand so I cant exist

We understand,  and others will too,  but maybe not all; that is beyond your control. But you can learn to understand and accept yourself; growing into the person you want to be.

Sent from my MI 5s using Tapatalk

Quote from: jinst138 on September 10, 2017, 01:18:54 PM
no matter what is done people wont understand so I cant exist

People don't need to understand, and they'll tell you that themselves. I've had friends and acquaintances say "I don't know anything about transgender, but I can see that you're happy now."

I can see that you aren't happy now, in fact, your statement tells me that you are in denial. You will be able to work through this eventually, a therapist can speed that up by helping you sort out your thoughts.  :)

Hugs, Devlyn

Quote from: jinst138 on September 10, 2017, 01:18:54 PM
no matter what is done people wont understand so I cant exist

So, to be clear, the choices you have are:

A) Continuing to live a life others expect you to and be miserable
B) Take a chance and do some "Exploring" to learn just what may be the real you vs the "expected to be" you

i dont live a life I actually dont think anyone who knows me expects anything of me. Thank you. Im not sure how Im going to get help.

Im sorry if I come off as a lost cause or beyond helping from here. Theres so much work to be done. I know what I needed to do when I was younger. And Ive let time pass again repeated now and Ive blamed others as a kid now I blame myself. And Im afraid what I need now has changed to something I didnt want before.

Im messed up in other ways. I need to go out and talk to people and do things. Im so unhealthy but I ignore ot and I start thinking about being worried of my health again when i think of coming out of my shell and that includes transitioning for my health and surgery for chest bones deformity that wrecked my childhood. People told me since I was younger to go out and get a life.

Im just venting now. Thats all.

No need to apologize or blame yourself Jamie, you are opening up and that is good.

I found what really helped me is taking one step at a time and not feeling like I had to solve everything at once.  After I started addressing my core issues and tracking down resources to help, quite a few other things became easier.  I used to be really bad about not taking care of myself when I didn't appreciate or fully understand who I was. 

We can't change our past, but we can learn from it.

Thing is ive always wanted more immediate change. I still think about it would have been so much easier if I did this earlier. I put things off until it builds inside terribly. And I was later more willing to start when I had a friend to hold my hand through it. But people go away.

I know I will be miserable the remainder of my life if I dont take some steps soon. I am trying to learn not to regret again another portion or my entire life. I get paniced over realizing I feel my body is deteriorating as I sit by and let everything pass me.

I always felt like im being self absorbed and superficial when wanting transition or therapy even when I was a little child. Even now my mother is in the hospital and Im thinking of myself again worried where i will end up.

https://www.susans.org/links/Local_Support_Groups_&_Organization  Here are our links above for helpful organizations. Don't know where you live to give you specifics. You are not alone. We all question and that is why finding someone to share the experience is so important. Before I started HRT I knew only one transgendered person and I met Chris-deee just before I got the ok to start treatment. Chris was amazing with me and so encouraging. I now attend meetings at the Ingersoll Gender Center in Seattle, I recently attended Gender Odyssey where there were at least 1300 people just like me and to spend four days with them was life changing. Of course we are always available for support and a shoulder to lean on. I promise you. the more you talk the better you will feel. The weight of carrying secrets is immense and once they are out, at least in my experience, you are able to take on the world. I know about health concerns as I have a lot of heart damage and the thought that I would not be able to transition on HRT. Stay safe and please do find some like minded people.

I have a relative that is transgender. I met them once when I was a kid. One of the times I didnt feel like going out to a family event I felt regretful finding out they had been there just that once. I thought about wanting to talk to them. Im very much fearful of other people. I am not someone who opens up to talk at all to strangers.

I used to be a person of two halves. At work I was confident,  friendly and approachable. In my personal life I was the opposite,  insecure and very uncomfortable socialising. It has taken time,  but that personal part of me is now as equally confident,  and I'm sure the reason for that is finally knowing who and what I am,  and being at ease with that.

Sent from my MI 5s using Tapatalk

Ive lacked confidence at all. Ive been very internal my entire life. This is why I needed to take care of this when I was younger but I didnt want to bring attention to myself or make my parents pay for things. I dont have a job.

Sounds familiar here too especially the part about no confidence in your future. The thing to bear in mind is how you feel right now will Not be how you are feeling in a little while. We can't stress how important it is to get in touch with that therapist soon. My real journey did not start until I took that big step towards a letter. I went back into the closet for almost 2 years for family reasons after that (this, that) and hit bottom not too long ago. I see a therapist in my hometown and she helps me know what to do next. That is worth so much. If you need to talk there is somebody here for you. Hang in there-it gets better! Much better!

R W

Jamie if you might have time to read a fairly long thread I'll recommend the following: MTF in need of help (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,133631.0.html).  That thread took me two long evenings to read.  I went back and read it all again as that thread definitely influenced me.  Starts five years ago and shows one of our members discovering and solving and building her future.  I found her thread rewarding to read, some posts sad but true, and overall very inspiring.

A little difficult to get through that thread. I just dont know. What I am. It doesnt exactly match up with how my life has played out. i dont know. 2012 though was same year I first told someone I was trans. She didnt leave me but she died and I wanted her to be there with me through it. She was very supportive. I think I had early on rejected building my life on lies so I just dont build. Im sorry. I can try reading further.

Hi Jinst, this is a tough road and we all have our dark moments. I'm having one right now, and you know what they say, misery loves company lol  so if you feel like talking, complaining, venting, etc...Feel free to PM me. I'm also pretransition. Hugs!

I think i just really need to be on hormones treatment and be able to afford things.

I just have really really bad anxiety and floating through life is what I chose to do to cope with it and ignore realities or something like that.

Im childish. Im not grown up mentally. I blame my parents not caring enough to deal with any of my problems. They just ignored and put anything off and keep secrets until it blows up and thats what I learned to do in shame of my body just covering it up. I became more quiet, antisocial. Id ignored reality as its coming toward me. Becoming a man. And now I have to grow up and become a man to take care of myself.

I am aware how bad and childish I have been and this is very embarassing and I feel sick posting this. My parents have taken care of me my whole life. I know its not all relevant and im a wirthless person wallowing in my pity and lazy:

I started wearing girly clothes privately as a child because it felt good and comfortable when I was alone. And I wanted to get caught by my parents or my brothers.. I started feeling deep longing and my stomach being crushed thinking of getting older and my hair falling out and getting married with a family and looking like my father. All as I was just a child it was a feeling of impending doom. As a child I wanted to be a good kid that was quiet and got good grades and I thought of myself being christian and connected with god. I prayed to be a girl. Over time I stopped believing in that. I obsessed over my chest deformity sticking out. I also sometimes looked down at my pants if they had a weird bulge in them. Kids made fun of the way Id put my chin down to look. Kids made fun of my voice being high and my skin being pale. I tried to see the crossdressing as a phase and threw that stuff out to grow up. I went back to it over jr high. Puberty and growing hair distressed me. I tried shaving my legs in jr high and accidentally cut myself. I liked the feeling of being feminine and feeling attractive. Sometimes Id see things I wanted to buy. There was one thing I really wanted as a kid was a punk skirt and I thought of adding it to my online cart but with my dads money he might have reviewed the list.  I completely checked out mentally by 11th grade and had a mustach grown in. I couldnt talk to others anymore and couldnt focus on my work. I started hanging around a couple guys smoking weed like my brothers used to do. I thought I could be like them. I didnt talk. They thought I was scary and boring they ditched me. I had long stopped dressing up. I had a burned up face since I think 14 that broke out which actually cleared up when I was smoking. My skin condition was also ignored but I would ask for lotion for it. In 11th grade I was told I couldnt gradute. I dropped out of school. I later started opening up to a woman who lived at my house and I told her I was transgender because I wanted her to know. My parents were losing our house at the time. The woman reacted happily and it was like a dream. She knew me well how internal and antisocial I was before. She was delighted for me to open up like that. I had rarely gone out somewhere with friends and even often felt sick and pretended to be sick to avoid going to school sometimes or family events. I had stopped washing my hair by then too. I wore a hat and let my hair tangle up in it.  She and I continued meeting eachother privately. She tried to do things with me. I didnt dress around her because I felt disgusting. This went on until I moved to stay with my grandmother. I got my hair cut and started grooming properly again and I started privately wearing clothes she had given to me after I told her. We'd talk over the phone. I told her how I wanted my voice to be higher and I stressed to train it and failed. I started having fantasies about an older guy I liked when I was younger. I escaped into listening to music as I had done in the past and I imagined being held and I clung to my pillow. She went into a coma and died. My aunt and grandmother wanted me to either go back to school or get a job to stay with them. I moved back with my parents and we moved around several places. I continued dressing up and I got fresh air and excersize by walking my dog with headphones on. I wouldnt go out otherwise. I escaped into online gaming. I talked to people with my voice self taught feminized which I stressed about started coming naturally. I didnt go out anymore because we couldnt keep pets. I had stopped dressing in feminine clothes and stopped feeling those feelings. I made friends with people and a lot of guys were attracted to my voice and manner and that went places. This went on for years.

Im a sorry excuse of a person. My brothers hate me. My family wants me to grow up. People online try to get through to me to grow up when I reveal these things. I get a terrible feeling in my chest and sick in my stomach when I have to think about doing something responsible or go out somewhere alone. The same feeling I would get some days I didnt want to go to school.

Depression makes us feel like there's no way out and all options are dead ends. I understand the feeling, and it seems like that's what you're going through. Talking to a professional is better, whether it is a therapist or a psychiatrist (if depression gets so bad that one can't function, medication could help).

Hang in there, you are not alone and we are all struggling.

What should I do from here? tell my father and get family to take care of me or should I force myself to go out and do everything for myself

what does it mean that Ive viewed my development of male characteristics as a mistake? That I think it should have been corrected but it was left alone and allowed to continue leaving me festering in this form and I only ever was able to dress feminine at times thinking that I might be able to reverse the damage done. But most of the time feeling irreversibly broken by this time thats passed.

Quote from: jinst138 on September 12, 2017, 11:23:06 AM
What should I do from here? tell my father and get family to take care of me or should I force myself to go out and do everything for myself

I think working to develop independence is always a valuable exercise. But that would also involve making use of all resources at your disposal,  and that could include your family if supportive.
You will only grow, develop and succeed if you own the process,  but any transition is one our family and friends have to make as well,  they will need your support as much as you need theirs.

Many here watched through puberty as our bodies developed in a way we didn't want,  but it is NEVER too late. If you want it,  take it,  you have all the power you need to make change. X

Sent from my MI 5s using Tapatalk

I put things off and left myself with the harder road as Ive always done. When my parents had some money to take care of things when I could have done something to stop what my body was doing it seems it would have been easier. Now there is little at my disposal and Im left on my own. How long is that going to take now? I dont even care enough about myself to get better now.

I have control

If I dont care about myself should anyone? Im not helping myself. I started thinking more about dying because my friend I came out to said she would kill herself if I did. But its just dramatic and meaningless Ive always thought.

Jinst, I can see in your posts the internal conflict I also fought. This is where a professional therapist can help guide you through a journey to break that destructive cycle. I suggest this would be a good place to start. X

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How am I supposed to afford that

Hi.

I have also been where you are today. I was terrified, angry and sad because nobody had seen the obvious thing and told me in time what I could do. I realized in 2008  (31 years old) that I am transgender. In 2010 my brain melted because of my internal struggle and I had a psychosis and depression.

I saw my body change. It developed all wrong. I was a boy until 11 years old when the girly stuff started to grow and happen. I became deeply depressed. I also came out as gay.

I got myself through depression and today I know where I stand and who I am. But it was a long process of denial and doubt and thoughts of death.

I would suggest you start therapy for depression to start with. Maybe your parents can help you with that? Then you can start talking about your feelings and thoughts about being transgender with your therapist. He or she might help you to a gender therapist when you are ready.  Therapists won't tell your parents anything about your meetings.

Depression is a hard nut to crack. But it can be done. I did also isolate and had anxiety attacks when I was depressed.

I say maybe your parents can help with therapy for depression, because I know how hard it is to stand on your own and fight the demons alone. Getting a job or going to school are heavy burdens when you are depressed. Ask for help. Don't be afraid.

We are also here for you when you need to vent or rant.

I wish you strength my friend.

Tony

Thank you so much. That is what I would like to do.

Quote from: jinst138 on September 12, 2017, 01:18:13 PM
How am I supposed to afford that

Depending on where you live. UK has programs as well as Canada. Thanks to Obama care you are on your folks policy until you are 26. If you live on the west Coast of the US and you have Kaiser Permanente they have a transgender program that includes gender therapists, HRT, voice therapy and certain surgeries like an orchi. If you can get the therapist to sign for you as medically necessary they will pay for some of the other ffs surgeries too.

Quote from: jinst138 on September 12, 2017, 12:40:56 PM
If I dont care about myself should anyone? Im not helping myself. I started thinking more about dying because my friend I came out to said she would kill herself if I did. But its just dramatic and meaningless Ive always thought.

I've lived with the problem for 65 years and there is no reason ever to take your life, mutilate yourself, however you can volunteer to help others which will take your mind off it. If I had made the decision to kill myself when I was your age i would not have two kids, a granddaughter, a home and a wife of 35 years that has been with me every step of the way. Please seek counseling. It really helps. Be honest. I made my first appointment with a therapist in 1984 but could not reveal my secret. Over the yeas I went at least 5 other occasions each time telling them I was stressed instead of what the real problem is. It's always been there from the time I can remember at 4 or 5.

Quote from: jinst138 on September 12, 2017, 05:11:43 PM
Thank you so much. That is what I would like to do.

Go ask your parents for help with depression.  If the don't know what depression is, tell them it is a lethal illness and you need help ASAP.

Many famous and even more non-famous people have lost their battle against depression. There is an aura of shame and guilt around depression. I felt it too. But try not to fall into that pit.

Don't wait until depression swallows you completely. It will only get worse the longer you wait. Ask your parents today.

Tony

My mind escapes reality. Ive never lived just distracted myself. I dont know how. Everything is too embarassing and the thought of how vacant my life has been is too much for me to take in. And I cant see the future happening. I only see being alone.

One step at a time... you get to define you.  This can be scary at first, I know because I was really confused with myself at more than one point. 

I have a gender therapist and I was surprised to find out nearly all the costs are covered by health insurance.  I bet you might have access to one if you can find a way to check.  A good therapist can help you come up with a plan. 

Please don't be embarassed because you are different - we all are here.  If every person was identical the world would be a very dull place, and it's not.  You and I help make the world great and interesting in our own ways.

I was there too. Not living. Only escaping life as it happened. But to start living you must stop escaping. Stop opening extra doors for escape in your mind. Close the doors one by one. Decide that now is the time to start your life as yourself.

I was embarassed, terrified, shameful, full of denial when I realized I'm a guy. It took me 7 years of denial and trying to be the perfect wife before I finally understood that this is my path to life. I'm a guy and have always been. I opened my eyes for reality and peace and calm flow through me now.

We can point where reality might be but you need to walk yourself and find your own path to your life.


Tony

I was sure I knew what I was but I dont and I cant think about these things anymore after going over it alone in my head for days. It makes me feel worse. I have to take care of my mom now and get used to doing that for a while. I feel so sick today. I could be okay later. Im not even crying over these feelings anymore Im just feeling nauseated. I feel like its all gone.

You need help with your depression. That is very important.

I need a friend. She was my only friend and she died  She would have left me alone anyways like anyone else.

One thing I suggest is think about your hobbies, interests, favorite things you currently do or want to do.

I have made friends not when I was looking for a new friend, but by exploring an activity and then discovering great people with the same interest. 

when i was a kid I scared myself off dressing femininely in private after I started thinking like I was creating an alternate identity. I did wish I was a girl back then and thought that I should have been born a girl. It was after I had given myself a new name that I was afraid. Way later after I had quit dressing feminine at all I told a woman I was trans as we were getting closer together in private. So after they passed away I continued dressing feminine again privately. Im not sure when I started reassuring myself that I am female or that I wanted to be female. I never thought into it. Now Im afraid I did do something to my head. I started writing about things going on and then talking to people online interacting with people, making aquaintences and feminized my voice online while using the name I had chosen when I was a kid. Eventually I stopped dressing feminine. I had body issues my whole life not all related to being male. Since I quit talking to people online I had fear that I was losing that part of myself that Ive thought had to be the real me. But since Ive never really lived my own life on my own Ive wondered how I could know what kind of person I am at all. In fact I reassured myself as a child that being born male must have made my life easier. I fear growing older and being a certain way. Like I dont want to continue privately dressing feminine or being antisocial. Especially thinking i would be an old man looking like my dad doing these things still. That doesnt feel right for me. Ive been crying heaving and thrashing around sort of childishly when i am alone. Right now I cant enjoy anything that would be distracting me usually. All ive been able to do is think pace and sleep. I want to rewind the last ten years.

Rewinding the past isn't possible though we all would like to do that. You can go forward and make the rest of your life what you want it to be. It may look like it's impossible but may people on the site and far more who are not on the site have undergone a transition. In my case, I came out of the closet around 1973 when it was nearly impossible to find treatment. Still I transitioned and I wasn't the first. We have several members on the site who transitioned before me. Decide that you want to do it and start by making small steps toward your goal. Therapy would be the best place to start but others have moved into a full feminine presentation in public without any therapy.

Quote from: Dena on September 15, 2017, 07:02:38 PM
Rewinding the past isn't possible though we all would like to do that. You can go forward and make the rest of your life what you want it to be. It may look like it's impossible but may people on the site and far more who are not on the site have undergone a transition. In my case, I came out of the closet around 1973 when it was nearly impossible to find treatment. Still I transitioned and I wasn't the first. We have several members on the site who transitioned before me. Decide that you want to do it and start by making small steps toward your goal. Therapy would be the best place to start but others have moved into a full feminine presentation in public without any therapy.

<raises hand>  I was living as a woman with a new legal name before I stepped foot in a medical facility.

Hugs, Devlyn

You have friends here. Online friends, but we are all real people behind all the written words. You can get new close friends as you continue writing. Interacting on the site.

I wish I could rewind my time too. But it can't be done. The best you can do is look around where you stand today. Where do you want to go? What are your goals and your dreams? Aim for your dreams. The path won't be smooth and straight, but keep your head up and keep aiming for your dreams.

If you look behind, see how far you have come. Looking back won't tell you how much is left, it will only tell you your history. You can't aim for what has been because time goes forward. If you keep looking back, you will stay where you are.

Not saying you need to forget your past, in your past you have knowledge and learning.

About your best friend's death. Maybe you need therapy to over come the sorrow. Not to forget her, just to handle your sorrow. I have several relatives and friends who have passed away. If you get stuck in sorrow, you need help to get through it.


Tony

What if Im not sure how I want to express myself maybe due to lack of confidence and socializing experience or Im just not that feminine but I still dont want my body to appear what I see as too male.

This is a case where you never know until you try. My discomfort with myself was so great, all I knew was I wanted to be a woman. It was only in RLE that I discovered living as a woman eliminated much of my discomfort and had the option of surgery not been available, I could have survived just living as a woman. Fortunately surgery was available and provided the finishing touches to what I had started. There was a great deal of fear when I stared and little hope that this would be the answer but part time RLE will help you explore your feelings. You have much to learn and the only way to learn in this case is by doing.

This is too much

Quote from: jinst138 on September 16, 2017, 12:42:11 PM
This is too much

If you look at it all at once it appears to be impossible. The trick is to do little things working toward your goal. A start could be as simple as growing your hair out. You might play with makeup or clothing. Some people hate they beard so they work on removing it. Voice can be practiced in private and often can be accomplished without a therapist. Just pick one thing and see if it makes you feel better. Many things will leave no lasting traces so if you decide this is wrong for you, it's possible to return to your old life without a trace. On the other hand, you may find that it's far easer than you though and you will want to take something else on. You have the advantage that we don't know who you are and you can get all the help you require from us. What ever you try will remain a secret unless you chose to tell us your identity.

Quote from: jinst138 on September 16, 2017, 12:42:11 PM
This is too much

I second Dena.

Small steps. Try in private. Try what feels comfortable and right. Only you will know. I have never used makeup, but I'm sure you can get many makeup tips from the girls on this site. Makeup can do A LOT, it can hide and expose lines and shapes.

Makeup takes practice. Try alone and don't give up. It's like riding the bike, once you can do it, it's easy.

Ive done those things in private off and on for years. It doesnt make me happy. Though I never did get well into makeup. I dont know what it was doing for me before. It used to feel good at times I guess. It didnt help me out in real life and I am not comfortable like that in front of other people.

Then do a google search for "your city LGBT" there may be a center or support group located near you where you can make contact with somebody willing to help you get out the door. To some degree pretty well all of us have experienced difficulty getting out the door and many of us are willing to help somebody still in the process.

I have nothing to learn from my past. Ive done as little as possible for a long time. At some point I just lost interest in life and I was never forced to make a change and I never developed skills. So im not yet ready to become the person I wanted to be. I couldnt handle going out and being noticed.

Quote from: jinst138 on September 17, 2017, 12:31:13 PM
I have nothing to learn from my past. Ive done as little as possible for a long time. At some point I just lost interest in life and I was never forced to make a change and I never developed skills. So im not yet ready to become the person I wanted to be. I couldnt handle going out and being noticed.

I have a strong belief that nobody is out of skills. Maybe under developed skills but skills can be trained. This is why you need to do small steps. Small steps can be great progress. Small steps can be a big thing for you. Take the steps and feel the change where you are safe.

Makeup and clothes wont change anything for me. This is hopeless.

Ask your parents if they can help you to find a good therapist for depression. Just keep in mind, best results are not only meds, therapy should be included. Anti depressant medication made me come up from the dark pit. But I also had therapy to cope with anxiety and sleeping problems. It won't change over night, but you have plenty of time to become well again.

Ask your parents if you have insurance and what help you can get. Depression is very hard to live with and you need help, now!

I know you might feel ashamed or embarassed, I felt that way. "What right do I have to be depressed when my life is perfect?" But depression does not care if you are rich or poor, healthy or ill, shy or outspoken. Anyone can get it, and you can't manage it alone. You need other people to help you.

Start here. Ask for help. Today! It can be scary to tell anyone but you need to.

Tony

Something needs to happen. Someone needs to help me. People expect me to just do things I dont know how to begin doing. Im going to end up homeless like my brother. I was able to be distraced through childhood and teens having nothing in my life. And I know Im allowing this to happen to me and I cant stop myself. I cant make myself go. If someone tells me to put makeup on to feel good about myself or act more feminine thats not going to work. If that makes me something different I dont care anymore. I dont know if I am just weird. Everything has been the same for over ten years. You have no idea. Im afraid how much longer I can go on holding to barely anything as I just get older and further from myself.

Do you have access to health insurance, or confidential assitance available at a nearby school or other local support resource?  The reason I am asking is you really need to find a way to get help, there are several ways even if you don't have health coverage.  If you might have insurance that can provide a shortcut to several things I think you can benefit from - for your immediate situation, and for the long term.

Since you mentioned makeup and feminine clothes - although I am definitely MtF, as time goes on I have discovered those things are less important.  A lot less important.  The most important thing by far is how I feel about myself, and I hope you can find a way to become more comfortable with yourself.  Take smaller steps and try not to be overwhelmed.  Talking to a qualified counselor can really help.  That's what helped me. 

You are very welcome to contact me directly and I'll fully respect any need you may have for privacy.  I'll send a Private Message.

Kendra